Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

TWC: Chapter 9 - Eat the Rich

Title: The Wedding Crashers (9/12)
Author: Das Mervin and Mrs. Hyde
Betas: gehayi and kermit_thefrog
Fandom: Twilight/Supernatural
Rating: R for language, themes, violence, and sexual innuendo
Word Count: 7,630
Summary: After two years on her own, and two more as a hunter with Sam and Dean Winchester, Leah thought she’d escaped her old life at La Push. But when she’s called home to attend Jacob and Renesmee’s wedding, she brings a little company, and the stage is set for her old and new lives to collide.
Author’s Note: Last of the Dean chapters! And remember how I yelled at Sam, about how he was a jerk for rambling for so many words? Apparently, his brother is worse. *grumpy* The chapter title and soundtrack is taken from the Aerosmith song “Eat the Rich.”
Spoilers: Spoilers for Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, and all six seasons of “Supernatural.”
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is the property of Kripke Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television. The Twilight Saga is the property of Stephenie Meyer and Little, Brown and Co. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made from this work.


While Dean had every intention of getting more food, it actually wasn’t because he was all that hungry—the cake had been considerably more filling than all the appetizers. The real reason he wanted to eat more was so that he could drink more. This bullshit was utterly intolerable, and only the solace of alcohol was going to get him through it.

He savagely grabbed a plate and then made an executive decision to ignore the forks and just started popping random items onto his plate with his fingers, muttering the whole way.

“Bloodsucking bastards tell me one more time I smell delicious, I’m gonna start swingin’—nasty bitches. Keep your stinkin’ comments—and your hands—to yourselves!” He turned around, glaring at the crowd as he stomped towards the beer. “‘Accident’ my ass, acting like it’s my fault you think I smell good, blaming it on me if you murder me—what, is my skirt too short, too?! Was I asking for it?!” He slammed his plate down on the table and then jammed his glass under the tap to fill up again, not caring that he was pouring a light beer over the remnants of a dark, keeping up his steady stream of angry complaints. “You can all go douche with a Roman candle, every last one of you. ‘Most delectable aroma you’ve ever smelled’—I’m not bacon, you dicks!”

His head jerked up when a great, booming laugh sounded nearby. He didn’t bother trying to look polite or contrite when he saw it was a vamp, and he didn’t even care that this guy was massive, bigger than even most of the wolves present. He was grinning merrily in the face of Dean’s obvious hostility, still sniggering.

Bacon,” he repeated, chuckling. “That’s fantastic.”

Dean glared daggers at the chucklehead, and then snatched up a fork and stabbed it viciously in his direction. “You listen to me, you sparkly snot-nosed shithead,” he snarled, “if you start going on about how I smell—”

The vampire raised his hands. “Dude, dude—chill. I don’t swing that way,” he said placatingly.

Dean stared, his itty-bitty fork still raised in warning, the vampire still smiling carelessly. Dean finally stuck his fork on his plate. “Well, all right, then,” he said grumpily, about to walk back to Cas and Sam.

“Hey, stick around for a bit,” the vampire said quickly, closing the distance between them. “I’m Emmett Cullen,” he added.

Dean was immediately on point, and not just because this guy was frickin’ huge. Oh, great—a Cullen, isn’t this just wonderful? “Dean Winchester,” he said tersely, and blinked when Emmett did not hold out his hand, but instead raised his fist.

“Awesome,” he rumbled when Dean warily bumped his knuckles with his own. “You’re one of the dudes who came in with Leah, right?” At Dean’s sharp nod, he sighed and said, “I would ask how she’s doing, but I already know.” He grimaced, looking the direction of Leah’s table; her head was bent low and her mother and cousin were leaning close and were speaking urgently to her; Leah’s fists were clenched where they rested on the tabletop. “Hope she’s been having a better time with you guys than she is here.”

“Uh—I like to think so,” Dean said slowly, not quite sure what to make of this.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she got out—but pardon me if I feel sorry for myself about it now and again. Things have been so damn boring since she left,” Emmett complained. “She was my football buddy—we’d always get together and watch the game on weekends when she was free. She was awesome to have around, really got into it. Nobody screams obscenities like Leah.” He tossed a grin at Dean.

Dean could only raise his eyebrows and nod in agreement. “Yeah, you have a point there,” he conceded, having seen her in action himself.

“After she left, though, I didn’t have anybody who’d watch sports with me. Rose certainly won’t—that’s my wife, by the way,” Emmett said, pointing out into the crowd. “She’s the hot blonde you totally wish you could have sex with.”

Dean followed Emmett’s finger to see he was referring to the blonde bridesmaid, and vampire or no, he did have to admit she was pretty hot.

“Anyway,” Emmett was going on, “Rose hates sports, and Alice does nothing but shop. Carlisle and Esme certainly don’t watch TV, and Jasper is a total stiff—and do not get me started on Edward.” Emmett leaned close to him, which Dean didn’t like, but all he did was whisper conspiratorially, “I thought Wardo would lighten up after he got married—you know, after he started getting laid on a regular basis—but no, all it did was drive that pole further up his ass.”

In spite of himself, Dean laughed. Emmett nodded knowingly, pulling back. “So now it’s just me, watchin’ the game all by my lonesome. It sucks.”

“Well, you’re one of about two people who missed her when she left,” Dean said, rapidly becoming disgruntled again.

Emmett’s mouth twisted. “Yeah. I know.” He huffed and glared out at the crowd. “I really don’t get why. She’s great company! She’d come over, have a beer or twelve, knows some awesome dirty jokes, and she’s way sexy. I never had any complaints. Have no clue why everybody hates her. Well, I understand why Rose hates her,” Emmett corrected himself. “It’s never a good idea to stick two smokin’ hot alpha bitches in the same room together,” he said sagely. “Fur is bound to fly—and did it ever.”

Dean snorted, but then darkly replied, “I think that if Leah had any alpha bitch status with these people, she wouldn’t be so frickin’ miserable right now.”

Emmett’s good humor faltered momentarily. “Point,” he conceded.

The silence they lapsed into wasn’t necessarily comfortable, but Emmett broke it easily enough. “So, I take it you are not having the grandest time, what with everyone here apparently treating you like Dean a l’Orange.”

Dean bristled immediately. “I swear to God—Leah warned me about a lot of crap that was gonna go down at this Dracula convention, but she never said anything about that. It isn’t just creepy, it’s driving me batshit insane! I haven’t met a single one of you things that doesn’t tell me how much they wanna eat me!” he snarled.

Emmett shrugged. “You do smell pretty ‘piquant,’ as my sister-in-law would say.” He rolled his eyes. “But I gotta agree—that’s a pretty dick move, to just come up and tell you all about it. I mean, I never told Bella that she smelled tasty when she was human.”

Dean set his plate down, crossing his arms in irritation. “I think ‘dick move’ doesn’t really encompass what telling someone to their face how much you wanna kill them is.” He took a drink of his beer.

“Well, to be fair, it worked on Bella,” Emmett commented dryly, and snorted at Dean’s revolted expression.

Dean stared down into his beer glass, and then gave Emmett a sidelong look; he was leaning against the side of the taps, sardonically observing all the prancing and preening going on around him. Figuring that it couldn’t hurt, Dean said idly, “But if you want the truth, it isn’t just the death threats that have ruined my day.”

He was pleased to see that Emmett understood right away—and what’s more, he clearly agreed with him. Emmett rolled his eyes, crossing his beefy arms. “Hoo, boy. Dean, consider yourself lucky. You’re only having to look at the end product.” Dean furrowed his brows at him, so Emmett grimly clarified, “I had to be there for the planning and preparation.” He glanced over at his niece. “She’s somethin’ else, isn’t she?” Dean only made a half-hearted effort to keep his snort in this time, but Emmett just echoed it. “If you can believe it, this was actually gonna be a whole lot worse. Ness wanted to accommodate everyone—she originally wanted there to be an extra set of taps next to the beer. You know—everyone could have a nice, warm glass of O, A, B—and even AB for those who like rare cuisine.”

Emmett gave a wry shrug to Dean’s sickened gape. “We talked her out of it.” He then waved a hand at all the decorations. “But this—no dice on going easy there, because she’s always been into stuff like this. And I know you met her—and that’s pretty much how she’s been her whole life. It was kinda cute—when she was little.”

Dean glared out at all the white before him. “There is no age in the world where this could be considered cute,” he informed the vampire.

Emmett chuckled. “Yeah—I think Rose learned that too late.” He looked out across the crowds and made a kissy face at his wife; her sour expression cracked for the first time since Dean had seen her when she simpered back at him. “For a while there, Ness could do no wrong in my wife’s eyes,” he said, rocking back on his heels. “I can’t blame her for Ness…turning out the way she did—not really. I mean, she did spoil her something awful, don’t get me wrong, but so did everyone else. It’s just that everyone else kept spoiling her; Rose stopped after about two years—and you know, I don’t think Nessie has ever forgiven her for it.”

He once again leaned down near Dean. “Truth be told, I think some good is gonna come out of all this. Rose likes to do this whole wedding thing once every few years herself—you know, have a big wedding where we renew our vows, make everybody do as she says, be the center of attention.” Emmett smirked. “I was never all that into it, but you gotta keep the women happy, know how it is?” He winked. “But, I think now that she’s on the receiving end of it…she doesn’t think it’s so hot anymore.”

Dean looked out at Rose. She was no longer smiling; instead, she looked mostly annoyed as she watched Jacob and Renesbait talk very loudly about the gifts (i.e., their price) that they’d received from the Cullens. “Yeah, she doesn’t exactly look like she’s having the time of her life,” Dean replied.

“Oh, she isn’t,” Emmett said matter-of-factly. “We almost had a genuine catfight a week or two ago. Nessie was bossin’ Rose around, and Rose doesn’t take too kindly to her HBIC position being usurped—by Bella or her kid—and she was this close to telling Nessie in no uncertain terms what she could do with her generous offer to be her bridesmaid.” Emmett rolled his eyes. “But, you saw the ceremony, so I’m sure you can guess how that turned out.”

Dean pulled a face. “Why the hell didn’t she just walk out? I would have.”

Emmett huffed irritably, ruffling the fringe on his forehead. “She had more than a few tantrums thrown at her, that’s why—and I ain’t just talkin’ about Ness.” He looked disgusted. “Wardo was all over Rose, telling her she wasn’t about to mess up his daughter’s big day, so she’d just better do what she was told. Had a good mind to deck him for that, but the runt can hear you coming a mile away. Knew it was no use. And then Bella went off on her, and I don’t hit girls, so I couldn’t hammer her, either—and then Nessie brought up the rear. By that point it was pretty much join or die.”

“Well,” Dean said carefully after a brief pause, “if it would make you feel any better…I’m pretty sure you could go punch ‘Wardo’ right now—I don’t think his little mind-reading powers are up to snuff today. If they were,” he added, “he’d’ve probably torn my head off a dozen times if he could hear what I’ve been thinkin’.”

“Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that,” Emmett remarked. “Wardo’s been PMSing all morning, ever since he came flying out of the prep tent going off on how his mind-reading got shut down. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” he asked, raising one eyebrow as he looked down at Dean.

Dean just smirked as he took a drink of his beer. “Not a damn thing.”

Emmett laughed, looking back out at the crowd, and Dean could tell he was staring at Cas. “So who is that little guy, anyway?”

“Just a friend,” Dean said mildly, and then, just ‘cause, added, “Leah has the hots for him.”

Emmett gave a bark of surprised laughter. “Seriously?” he asked, bemused, and at Dean’s nod, grinned. “Well—that’s sure going against her type.” He leered down at Dean and nudged him with his elbow. “I once thought about trying to get her in on a threesome with Rose and me.” At Dean’s approving look, he shrugged with resigned disappointment. “But, given that those two have nearly come to blows before, I figured that I wouldn’t make it out of there alive if I got caught between them. That is, if they didn’t rip my balls off just for suggesting the idea,” he added.

Dean snorted, and after a silence that was almost friendly, Emmett asked, “What have you guys been doing with her, anyway?”

“Odd jobs here and there—she doesn’t travel with us all the time. It’s mostly just me and my brother, Sam. We meet her sometimes, though, have a few laughs, work a few jobs, then go our separate ways—rinse, lather, repeat.”

“She’s really doin’ all right out there, then, huh?”

Dean considered. “I think so, yeah—right up until she got dragged back to this hellhole, anyway,” he said, scowling suddenly.

Emmett sighed, but didn’t speak. Dean turned around to refill his beer halfway, and then, spotting his forgotten plate, picked it up and dug in.

Emmett was watching him interestedly; the hairs on the back of Dean’s neck prickled at being examined so closely by a vampire, especially after today, but Emmett only asked, “That stuff any good?”

Dean nodded, seeing as his mouth was full of meat Jell-O again (who knew that could be so damn good?).

“Just curious,” Emmett said. “I didn’t even know what half the stuff was, honestly. I was fourteen in the big Crash of ‘29, see,” he went on, “and then got turned in ‘35—not a lot of time or opportunity to enjoy ‘the finer things in life’ before I went vamp.”

“That bites,” Dean said before he thought about it, but Emmett seemed to get a kick out of it.

“Exactly,” he agreed. He looked contemplatively at the beer. “I was changed before I turned twenty-one, too, and my momma was totally on board with Prohibition—so I never even had a chance to have a beer.”

Dean nearly choked on his food. “Goddamn—you never hung out in a bar or had a shot of whiskey, or—or—” He flapped his hands a little. “—or did a keg stand or got hammered with your buddies?” Dean gawped at Emmett’s wry headshake. “That’s just wrong!”

Emmett laughed, and briefly clapped a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Hey, it ain’t as bad as it seems. And while I never had a beer or a few drinks with buddies, there was one time where I snuck some of my uncle’s moonshine.”

Dean raised his eyebrows appreciatively. “How’d that turn out?”

“I went blind for three days,” Emmett replied cheerily. “It was awesome. Would’ve gotten away with it if that hadn’t happened—the whippin’ Momma gave me when she realized what I’d done was enough to keep me from going back for more.”

They both laughed and then Emmett continued, “But seriously—you can’t really miss what you never knew, eh? Anyway, it’s a bit late for regrets, I think—so I just make the best of it. I’m living comfortably, I don’t hurt people, and I’ve got my music and my car and my hot wife.” His expression took on a dreamy quality. “Just the two of us, out on the highway, cranking the Deep Purple…”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Lemme guess: ‘Highway Star’?”

Emmett’s eyes snapped open and he nodded, obviously pleased. “Hey, a man after my own heart! Damn skippy it’s ‘Highway Star.’ But I’ll probably be getting back into the Charleston soon.” He grinned at Dean’s bewildered look. “Rose bought me an old Model-T for Christmas last year. We used to have one when I was growing up—that’s where I learned cars. Man, it looked like crap, but it was made of iron in all ways, lemme tell you.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “She and I have been restoring it over the past few months.”

Dean blinked. “She has?”

Emmett grinned, looking smug. “Doesn’t look like a grease monkey, does she? Lemme assure you—she is. She loves her cars.”

“What’s she got?” Dean asked, admittedly intrigued.

Emmett ducked his head, now looking sheepish. “Well…Rose and I kinda come from different planets. I was a dirt-poor farmer, but she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, so she’s…got a bit of a hang-up with new and shiny stuff. She prefers modern cars—but after she buys ‘em, she mods ‘em up herself.” Emmett tapped his own chest with his finger. “Me? I like classics. How about you?”

Dean did not bother trying to contain his self-satisfaction when he answered. “I got a ‘67 Impala.”

Emmett’s eyes went wide. “You son of a bitch,” he said flatly. “No shit?”

“No shit,” Dean replied. “And she is a beauty, lemme tell you.”

“Man,” Emmett breathed, sounding awed. “I’d love to get my hands under her hood—that is a machine.”

Dean pointed a threatening finger at him. “Hey—no ugly talk about my best girl, you—she’s not loose.”

Emmett laughed, and then said, “You really gotta show her to me after this party’s over.”

Dean decided to have the conversation take a little detour, mostly to avoid the fact that they didn’t exactly travel here by conventional means. “Don’t mind me asking, why don’t you just get one of your own? I mean,” he gestured vaguely all around them, “it’s not like money’s a problem for you guys.”

Emmett frowned. “No, money isn’t the problem. Everyone else is the problem. Wanna know what everyone else goes for?” Dean nodded with no little trepidation, and Emmett started ticking off his fingers. “You saw the photo of Ness’s new car—the rest of my family likes Porsche, Ferrari, Mercedes, Rolls-Royce, Lamborghini, and Aston Martin. Wardo also has a soft spot for Volvos. The fact of the matter is that our garage is a little full right now,” he finished mildly, and then threw back his head and laughed at Dean’s utterly horrified expression.

“Your garage is full of plastic foreign crap, dude,” Dean declared.

Emmett looked mock-affronted. “Are you daring to question my brother’s taste?” he said pompously. “He is very much into cars, and he knows what is good, thank you very much, as he very often told me when I mentioned I wanted to get a 1970 Ford Mustang a few years ago.”

“Your brother couldn’t tell a gopher hole from his own ass,” Dean blurted out.

Emmett cracked up, and then pounded Dean on the back good-naturedly. “My sentiments exactly. ‘Course, because he whined that there wasn’t room in the garage, I didn’t buy it, ‘cause there is no living with Wardo if he doesn’t get his way. Couple months later, he had Ness’s very first car where I wanted to put the ‘Stang. It was a ZR1 Corvette convertible, in case you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t,” Dean said sourly.

“Rose pretty much went behind everyone’s backs with the Model-T,” Emmett continued. “Had to, really; none of them like the classics, and outright refuse to let me buy any. You know they have the nerve to say they aren’t safe?”

Dean gawped. “They’ll slander the classics and then turn around and buy Mercedes?!” he spluttered. “Those shitty cars routinely get ranked as some of the most unreliable pieces of crap out there!”

“Well, not all of them,” Emmett shrugged, but then he smirked. “Just the ones Carlisle tends to buy.”

Dean didn’t grin back, just asked incredulously, “Why? Why the hell would he buy unreliable car after unreliable car instead of something with integrity? And class, dammit,” he added grumpily.

“Well, you already answered your own question earlier, dude,” Emmett shrugged. “Because money ain’t a problem—and everyone else in my family has pretty much gone beyond ‘money ain’t a problem’ and straight into ‘spend as much as you can because you can.’ Reason Carlisle and everyone else buys those kinds of cars is because they’re expensive, and I guess they figure that the more they cost, the better they are.”

“I’ve already seen that attitude,” Dean groused. “Alice tried to rip off Leah’s clothes because they weren’t expensive enough.”

Emmett grimaced. “I actually think my sister Alice is under the impression that her excessive spending on clothes is cute,” he muttered. “I put up with it for a few decades before I told her to stay out of my closet. She pouted for three years.”

He looked thoughtfully out at the crowd. “I suppose that’s why this whole setup is probably one of the more…extreme cases I’ve seen when it comes to my family throwing money around. We all started out human, and while pretty much everyone in my family except myself had money growing up, they weren’t insanely rich like this—because, you know, they didn’t have insider trading tips.” He glanced down at Dean. “Don’t tell anybody that. Anyway—they’re all pretty ridiculous with their spending, but this is Ness’s wedding—and she grew up with all that dough. She’s never been denied a damn thing in her whole life, never once thought about where the money is coming from, and always believes that there will be buckets more.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Guess the best way to put it is she’s never really lived in reality.”

“No,” Dean said firmly, “the best way to put it is that she needs a good kick in the pants, and needs to be told that the goddamn world doesn’t revolve around her.”

The snort in response was not entirely humorous. “I approve of the sentiment, but I have to ask: how do you get that through to someone who for her entire life has not only been told that the world does revolve around her, but has also had two or three demonstrations that could be used as proof?” Emmett gave a half-smile. “Little bit hopeless.”

“You want to know what is hopeless?” a voice suddenly purred nearby. They both glanced up to see it was Rose, sauntering forward with a hand on her hip. She slid her arms around Emmett’s neck. “You are, dear.”

“Oh? Why is that? Tell Dean why I’m hopeless,” he grinned back.

“Because you said I’d rip your balls off if you suggested we have a threesome with Leah Clearwater,” she replied. “Silly man—you act like I don’t own them already.”

“I’m terribly sorry, Rosey-Posey,” he simpered ridiculously. “You’ll have to remind me of it later.”

“I have every intention of doing so,” she murmured, and then released him and turned to Dean, looking him over. “I understand you are not fond of my niece.”

Dean eyed her, unsure. “Uh…not especially,” he said, and then, because he didn’t know what else to do (and because, since she hadn’t sniffed him once, he was more inclined to think a little better of her than the others), extended his hand. “Dean Winchester.”

She raised an eyebrow for a moment, regarding him haughtily, but eventually she took it, her freezing grip dainty as she answered, “Rosalie Cullen.” She eyed him. “I also understand you find this event not to your tastes, Dean Winchester,” she continued. Dean smiled dryly and shook his head. “Then I believe that we’ll get along tolerably well,” she finished, giving him a speculative smirk as she released his hand. She turned to Emmett again. “You had best watch what you say, darling,” she said, her bored tone taking any sting out of her words. “Our dearest niece does not like what she is hearing from you.”

“Eh, she hasn’t liked anything I say for years,” Emmett shrugged.

“True enough. But, while I think a bit of dissention would do everybody a world of good, she does not, and she is in charge—as dearest Bella and Edward were kind enough to remind me,” she said, looking displeased.

“Oh, don’t feel bad, honey,” Emmett said, and the sudden sugary-sweet quality of his voice was damn near disturbing. “You know you’ll always be in charge of me, right?”

“Of course I do,” she replied, her voice just as gooey, and then she wrapped herself around him again, and Dean was treated to a much more interesting floorshow as they made out.

He voyeured for a bit, but when he finished his beer, he set the glass down on the table and cleared his throat.

Emmett resurfaced briefly.

“I’m out, dude. Nice meeting you, Emmett, Rose,” Dean said, nodding and giving them both a thumbs up.

Emmett beamed. “Same to you, buddy—remember, I wanna see the car.”

“Yeah, I’ll remember,” Dean replied, and then excused himself from the vampire petting session.

He looked out across the dance floor, peeking through the gaps in the crowd for Sam and Cas. He found them easily enough—just had to look for the vamp-free zone. They were over on the opposite side of the party, standing near the cake. That was a nice place to be; Dean figured he’d finish off the event with a little more chocolate before calling it quits. He looked one more time at Rose and Emmett, who were clearly going for some kind of record (despite—or perhaps because of—the disapproving looks they were getting from passing members of their family), and then started to make his way around the dance floor.

He had barely taken three steps when he saw Leah again. His eyes narrowed; her face was buried in her arms, and while all three of the women had their backs to him, he could tell by the way the other two were leaning in that they were speaking rapidly and intensely.

Doing his best slink, he maneuvered between the tables and silently made his way over to them, keeping firmly out of sight, until he came to rest behind a nearby potted plant about ten feet away.

Sue was talking when he got within earshot. “And this is exactly why I didn’t want you to leave, Leah, because I was afraid you might do something like this,” she lectured.

“I haven’t done anything,” Leah answered, and even though her voice was muffled, Dean was alarmed to hear the note of desperation in it.

“Leah, stop it,” Emily pleaded. “You keep saying how you’ve moved on and gotten over it—how can you even say that? You and…Sam were high school sweethearts, engaged to be married, and you just flippantly say you got over it? That fight you had after our wedding—”

Don’t,” Leah snarled, her head snapping up. “Don’t try and use that as proof that I’m still hung up on your goddamn husband, Emily—”

“We don’t have to try,” Sue said sharply. “Listen to yourself, Leah! Anyone so much as brings that up and you immediately go on the defensive.”

“Or maybe I’m just tired of everyone acting like that was somehow my fault!” Leah snarled right back.

“We’re not pinning blame,” Emily said gently. “I’m just saying…that wasn’t a ‘we’re through’ fight, and I know it. Just because you had a little explosion at him…” Emily put a hesitant hand on Leah’s shoulder, and Dean could tell by the way she tensed that she wanted nothing more than to slap it away. “Leah, it’s all right to still be…to still love him, but this is not the answer.”

“I don’t love Sam Uley anymore,” Leah growled through her teeth. “I came to terms with the fact that we were over years ago.”

“I suppose that’s why you suddenly bring a date named Sam to the wedding where you knew Sam Uley would be,” Sue replied tersely.

“Do I even need to point out that ‘Sam’ is a very common name? It’s not my fault his parents named him that—”

“Why have we never heard of this person before?” Sue went on. “You never told anyone you were dating, never told anyone you even were traveling with other people until today. Surely you aren’t pretending you don’t know what that looks like.”

“No, I’m not pretending,” Leah hissed. “I just don’t care.”

“Well, you should!” Sue suddenly burst out. “You disappear for four years and come back hanging all over three men! This is why I didn’t want you to leave, Leah, because I was afraid you’d—you’d start going to cheap bars and picking up—”

Sue didn’t get to finish. Leah jerked away as if she’d been slapped, standing up so fast she sent her chair skittering backwards across the floor with a loud scraping sound. Dean stared, stunned and angry, when the other two stood up as well.

“Leah,” Emily implored, “please, I’m sorry—Sue, don’t lose your temper, it isn’t helping. Leah, we’re just trying to help—we know you, Leah, we’re you’re family—”

“No,” Leah said, her voice trembling. “If you knew me, you wouldn’t be saying this—you wouldn’t be doing this. You don’t know me at all.” She whipped around, and Dean moved forward into view.

“Hey, Leah—are you—”

Leah met his eyes, and he was shocked and appalled to see something he had never seen before in the two years he’d known her: her eyes wet and glistening with tears, her face crumpling even as he watched. “Not now, Dean,” she whispered, and then she flew past him, her hand over her mouth as she rushed off and out of sight.

Dean watched her go, gaping, and then slowly turned back to face the two women still standing in front of him, and they were staring at him with angry suspicion bordering on accusation.

Fury exploded in his midsection, and he clenched his fists. “Oh, I’m sorry—was I interrupting something?” he growled.

Up their noses went, and they didn’t bother saying anything to him, just walking off together to probably go shake their heads and talk about how stubborn that clingy slut Leah Clearwater was.

Those sorry bitches.

He took a page out of Leah’s book, glaring hard at their backs and being disappointed when they didn’t burst into flames. After they disappeared into the crowd, he started his trek again, this time with much more purpose; Sam would just love to hear this particular story.


Dean nearly stopped short at the sound of his name, but then just clenched his teeth. “No, no, no,” he snarled to himself, picking up his pace and storming in the direction of his brother and Cas—and then jumping back with a startled shout of, “Shit!” when the four vamps just appeared all around him, blocking his path to freedom.

“Dean, please, I just want to talk,” Amun begged, reaching out to grab his shoulder.

“Don’t you touch me!” Dean growled, jerking away. “What is with you people?! You all have grabby hands!” And it was true—this was the third time some vamp had tried to reach out and grope him.

“I hardly think a simple gesture to stop you from leaving—” Kebi began, looking offended.

“No, that is exactly what is wrong with it,” Dean said angrily. That blonde skank had been petting him all over before the wedding—and then there had been Randall, of course. Dean hadn’t even seen or heard him coming; one minute, he’d been eating his marshmallow, minding his own business, and the next, freezing cold hands wrapped around his arms from behind. He didn’t like thinking about it—he had a nasty feeling that his yell of surprised indignation and the attention it had drawn were the only reasons that Randall had let go.

And now this.

“Fine, I apologize,” Amun grumbled dismissively, his intent red eyes never leaving Dean. “Now, I wanted to know if you had reconsidered—”

“What part of ‘no’ don’t you people get?!” Dean flapped.

“Dean, please—you don’t seem to understand what I am offering,” he countered patiently.

“Believe me, I understand better than you could possibly know. Leave me the hell alone!

“Please calm down,” Kebi begged, and then looked imploringly at Benjamin.

The tall, careless-looking vampire just rolled his eyes down at Dean, which just pissed him off even worse, but spoke up. “Look, it’s like this,” he said, like he was talking to a stupid kid, “some people are just…meant for greater things, I guess. That’s why Amun changed me, after all.” He grinned, looking oh-so-proud of himself. “I had potential like you do. I was a bit mad at first, but once I realize all that I had gained? Everything I lost was nothing compared to this.” His arrogant smile was undoubtedly supposed to be reassuring. “Really, some people are just born to be vampires, but even then they aren’t always lucky enough to have a chance to be who they are meant to be, instead just living out their short human lifespan without doing anything great.” He looked down at Dean, and his patronizing face was just begging for a fist. “I really don’t think you want to spend the few decades you have left trapped in that weak form, Dean. Trust me on this; I know what I’m talking about.”

Dean swelled with anger. “Yeah? Well, you can take all that and cram it up your ass,” he shot back.

“Now, really!” Tia said, looking affronted. Dean just sneered at her and tried to go around—but no matter what he did, they just moved to stand in front of him. Dean’s jaw clenched; now he was becoming pretty concerned as well as infuriated. “You are being deliberately obtuse—” she started again.

“Don’t you call me ‘obtuse,’ you frigid bitch,” he snapped at her.

He couldn’t help but jump; Benjamin was suddenly in front of him, his angry growls rumbling through the air between them. “Don’t you dare insult my mate!” he spat. “Especially when she is the one in the right.”

Dean didn’t move, just glared at him. “You dicks haven’t been right about anything since you agreed to let Asshat Amun give you his little love bite,” he said flatly. “Just because you’re a soulless monster who was glad to throw away his humanity so he can be a sparkly murdering freak doesn’t mean the rest of us are.”

“You listen to me, human,” Amun suddenly hissed, his voice low as got up in Dean’s business. “I am making you an offer that many humans would do anything to have, and you are throwing my generosity back in my face!”

“Oh, yeah—an offer to become your little stooge, just like Captain Planet there. Real generous,” Dean sneered.

“How dare you speak to me like that—” Benjamin began furiously.

“Pretty easy—even though I’m just a pathetic human and not one of you glittering homos,” Dean cut across him.

Amun bared his teeth, but Dean didn’t back down. “I have been asking nicely that you to join us, Dean. I have been patient and I have been excessively kind, even in the face of your ignorant belligerence.” He loomed in closer. “Perhaps instead I should simply take what I want, and force you to see that I am right,” he snarled.

Dean’s spine stiffened, and he was never more aware of the comforting weight of the gleaming angelic blade up his right sleeve, the weapon that Leah had insisted both he and his brother carry. Amun had triumph in his greedy face, and Dean set his jaw. “Well. I will tell you this, asshole,” he said in a low voice. “You say I have all kinds of potential to be a super-powerful vampire?” He stared right back into those red eyes. “You change me, and the first thing I’ll do is annihilate every last one of you motherfuckers.”

Amun pulled back, hissing.

Dean heard a low rumbling to his left, and now Benjamin was getting up in his face again, and Dean tensed his hand, ready to flick his wrist and send the blade right into his waiting fingers. “You have the nerve to threaten me, you pathetic lump of flesh? I’m not particularly interested in changing you, and right now I’m infinitely more inclined to just—”

“Is there a problem here?”

All five of them froze, turning in unison to see that Renesbait and Jacob were standing right next to them, their faces pinched and superior. And Dean was not calmed in the slightest when he saw that both of the bastards were looking at him.

“No,” Amun said, keeping his voice controlled. “Just a slight misunderstanding.”

Dean couldn’t help it. “Oh, yeah, just a tiny little disagreement involving death threats,” he spat.

“Yes, I heard them,” Renesbait said sharply, and Dean could only blink at the way her eyes narrowed at him.

“All that talk really doesn’t make for a good party, you know,” Jacob suddenly threw in, his disapproving voice eerily reminiscent of good ol’ Wardo.

Dean just stared at them. “Well, I couldn’t agree more,” he said finally, his voice deliberately light. “I mean, they certainly ruined my day.”

“Then perhaps you should keep your mouth shut if you can’t be pleasant,” Renesbait all but ordered him.

Dean gaped, and then started to furiously reply, but she spoke over him again. “I think you should probably go back to your brother and friend and leave the rest of the guests alone,” she said imperiously.

“Oh, you think so, do you?” Dean simpered, recovering his voice. “Well, I’ll just get right on that, because God knows we must all do what Renesmee Carlie Cullen-Black hath decreed.” He clicked his heels and shot his arm straight into the air. “Sayonara, freakshow!”

He ignored the outraged glares he was getting from the entire crew—most of all from Renesbait and her bitch husband—and stormed away. Going around the crowds was now officially way too long. He just plowed straight through them all, towards where his brother had been standing, glaring right back at anyone who even thought about giving him the stinkeye.

It was quicker—but it wasn’t better, because now he could hear all of them talking.

“—had the nerve to threaten Benjamin. What a presumptuous little fool. Does he honestly think he could stand a chance against any one of us—”

“—not so sure he deserves to be changed. You saw how he was behaving—he is rude and uncouth. Becoming a vampire would be an improvement, certainly, but not even that would teach him manners—”

“—both of them, really. Little wonder that they came with Leah, of course she’d find friends just as horrid as she is—”

“—so tired of everyone going on and on about them. Why does everybody think they are so special? Aro said I was the one who had the greatest potential he’d ever seen. I mean, they’re impressive and all, but they’re not that great, and vampires can’t have multiple abilities anyway, so—”

“—they both said no, but really, I doubt that will last. Not only do I love a good chase, but I have a feeling they were just being contrary. And anyway, I have no intentions of being turned down by those two humans—”

“I’ve spoken with both of you, Sam. You are so much more intelligent than your brother—please tell me you too are not going to be stupid and refuse to see that you were meant for something better than just a paltry human life. Show more sense than Dean! I can sense his potential, yes, but it is not nearly as distinct as yours—you are meant for this more than he is, surely!”

That was Eleazar.

And that was it.

Dean poked the cocksucker hard in the back. The vampire turned, not at all surprised to see him there, only affronted that Dean dared to interrupt him, he and his wife giving him identical disdainful glares.

“Get away from my brother,” Dean said flatly.

Eleazar sneered. “I don’t believe I was talking to you.”

“Fine, then I’ll say it—get the hell away from his brother,” Sam said bluntly.

The vamp looked frustrated. “I don’t understand you two—why are you so—”

“These boys have asked you twice to leave. Don’t make me ask you as well.”

Eleazar’s eyes widened and he shut up, both of them flinching back. There was Cas, staring up at him with a very serious glare; Dean knew from personal experience it was never good to be on the receiving end of it.

The leech took the hint and left, taking his demure little wife with him and slithering back to the rest of his group. Dean stared stonily at them until they were gone, and then turned back to Sam. “Why’d you leave Cas?” he asked him. “You had a nice electric fence to keep the dogs out.”

“I was coming to get you,” Sam replied hotly. “I saw that those pricks caught you—it looked serious.”

“Oh, it was,” Dean said. “They were very serious about killing me—or maybe just taking me out back and raping some vampire into me—until Renesbait came over. I really need to learn my place, don’t you know?”

Sam’s jaw tightened. “Sons of bitches.”

“Sons of bitches,” Dean repeated in agreement.

Sam ran a hand through his hair. “You know, I think we’ve seen enough. I say we ditch, if anything just for our own damn safety. Where’s Leah?” he asked.

Dean’s hands flexed and he crossed his arms. “I think she’s probably in the bathroom,” he said simply. “Because remember how Mommy and Cousin Emily came over to talk? They talked—and made Leah cry.”

Sam’s brows shot up. “Are you serious?!”

Dean nodded grimly. “Oh, yeah. Told her to her face that she needs to stop clinging to the past, and that’s why they didn’t want her to go off on her own—because without them, she’s nothing but a whore who sleeps around with anyone, and brought us here strictly to try and get at her fucking ex. She really needs her family to make sure she stays in line.”

Sam looked like he wanted to punch something. Dean glared out at the crowd—out at all the vampires and wolves, who were still throwing nasty looks their way, still probably muttering about his rude behavior.

He’d been insulted. He’d been groped. He’d been mocked. He’d been threatened. He’d been treated like dirt. He’d watched everyone here throw insult after insult at Leah until she cried. He’d watched them stroke their own egos and lord over everyone here with their oh-so-superior attitudes. He’d watched them flaunt their money and act like because they had it, they were better than him. He’d watched them mingle with murdering monsters and then treat him like the freak. He’d been told he was just a worthless human—that he was nothing. He’d just watched one of them try to make a deal with his little brother.

And now, he’d had enough.

“Sam,” Dean whispered. “I don’t think we should leave just yet.”

Why?” Sam asked, incredulous.

“Because we haven’t been on good behavior,” he muttered back. He stared hard at Sam. “And we promised Leah we’d be on our best behavior, didn’t we?”

Sam’s brow furrowed for a moment, but then his eyes widened. “Ah.”

“I don’t like going back on my promises,” he continued, looking back out at the monsters. “So I think we should do right by Leah now, Sammy.”

He could see Sam’s resolve strengthen, that familiar upward-twist of his mouth giving him a naughty-little-kid look. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Dean gave him a dark smile in return before looking to their wingman. “Cas, you ready to pull double-duty?”

“Double-duty?” he repeated, looking confused.

“Keep a real close eye,” Dean clarified, rolling his eyes. “We’re about to go…mingle with the masses, and I’m sure you know they’re pretty pissed off right now.”

Cas nodded. “They are not at all happy with you two, no.”

“Well, make sure they don’t try anything—but just make sure you don’t step in unless we give you the high-sign, unless it’s absolutely necessary. I mean, brink-of-destruction kind of thing. You got it?”

He nodded again. “I have it.”

Dean snorted. “Okay,” he said, his voice low even though he knew it was pointless. “Take the right, Sammy. I’ll go left—we circle around, meet at the buffet.”

“Roger that,” Sam said, and took off, his stride long but lazy. Dean went soon after, giving everyone a wide berth but still keeping them all in his sights.

Well, here we go, he thought to himself, feeling a little fizzle of excitement in his belly for the first time since he’d arrived here. Time to crash this party.

Author’s Note: I’m sure everybody knows it, but just in case there are a few of you who don’t—calling Edward Cullen “Wardo” is not our invention. That is from balcarin’s hilarious creation “Growing Up Cullen” and if you haven’t read that by now what in the hell is wrong with you?

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Tags: fanfic, fic: the wedding crashers, public post, ship: leah/castiel, twilight series
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