Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

TWC: Chapter 3 - Indian Love Call

Title: The Wedding Crashers (3/12)
Author: Das Mervin and Mrs. Hyde
Betas: gehayi and kermit_thefrog
Fandom: Twilight/Supernatural
Rating: R for language, themes, violence, and sexual innuendo
Word Count: 3,580
Summary: After two years on her own, and two more as a hunter with Sam and Dean Winchester, Leah thought she’d escaped her old life at La Push. But when she’s called home to attend Jacob and Renesmee’s wedding, she brings a little company, and the stage is set for her old and new lives to collide.
Author’s Note: *wincing* Oh, God. This chapter…requires some explanation. First off, Mrs. Hyde wishes to make it known that while her name is still up there as an author, she had nothing to do with this. Mostly to make sure that you direct your hatred at me, not her. And really? I can’t blame her. This is an affront to the human eyesight, and the worst part about it is that I did it all on purpose.

This chapter is the first of our POV switches—specifically, it’s a short little thing from Jacob’s POV. It’s mostly done to show how almost everyone at this shindig is going to be viewing our intrepid hunters, because we figured that would be useful for the narrative. But you know us—we like everything to be as canonically accurate as possible, no matter how painful or stupid the canon in question is. So, when we decided to write from Jacob’s POV, I…I suggested we not only do it in first person, but…try to do it in Meyer’s sucktastic style. I don’t mean an exaggerated, over-the-top version, either, the one that most people use when writing Twilight parodies, using the word “chagrin” every other sentence and with levels of purple prose that Meyer never achieved. I mean the real deal—that we should try to write just like her. Apparently, my attempts were successful. I don’t know if I should be strangely proud or utterly horrified that I possess the insane ability to emulate Meyer’s terrible writing.

So there’s your warning. This chapter? It sucks. But it sucks on purpose. I threw out all of my own style and didn’t even outline the chapter—I just buried myself in mediocrity and wrote by the seat of my pants. I didn’t correct errors even though every fiber of my being was screaming at me. I pumped unnecessary adjectives into it and forced it to fit into first-person pronouns even as I wrote it so third-person. I threw dead fish all over the finished product even as I held my readers’ hands through the whole thing. I trashed the characters I loved and gushed over the ones I hated. And now I feel incredibly dirty.

I will end this long A/N by apologizing profusely for the pain I am about to inflict on you, but please remember, it was all done for the sake of art. If nothing else, I can gauge my “success” by how ill I manage to make you. Oh, and the song in the title and the soundtrack for this one is “Indian Love Call” by Slim Whitman.
Spoilers: Spoilers for Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, and all six seasons of “Supernatural.”
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is the property of Kripke Enterprises and Warner Bros. Television. The Twilight Saga is the property of Stephenie Meyer and Little, Brown and Co. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made from this work.


The sun was shining bright, a few picture-perfect white clouds the only things marring the clear blue sky. There was a very light breeze, but it wasn’t strong enough to cause problems at the party. Alice’s predictions about how the weather would be today had turned out to be 100% true—and it was very lucky for her they had. Her powers were unreliable enough as it was; I wasn’t going to let her screw up Nessie’s wedding day.

I glanced up the long, decorated walkway that served as a well-marked trail all the way to the pavilion where I would soon be getting married to the most beautiful, most important person on the face of the earth.

My stomach twisted a little nervously, but I knew a lot of it was anticipation—even though all of this was ultimately for Ness, some small part of it was for me. She was going to be my wife. We were going to be together.

I’d agreed immediately to wait, of course, even though I’d wanted to three years ago. But she hadn’t been ready—she had wanted to go through a year or two of high school, and to just travel around. I admit, going around the world with her had been a lot of fun, but I ultimately just wanted to settle down with her.

A new thrill ran down my spine—because I was finally getting to settle down with her. In a few short hours, she’d be my wife. We already had a house ready for us to move into after the honeymoon, nearby the rest of the Cullens; Nessie couldn’t stand to be away from her family for very long. We’d spend the day with the guests and her family, and then off for a month, taking a circuitous route to our final destination in Athens, the Royal Villa at Grand Resort Lagonissi. Nessie had insisted, saying she didn’t want to spend her honeymoon in the same spot her parents did—said it would feel weird, and to be perfectly honest, I agreed. She’d decided on the Royal Villa when she had discovered how exclusive it was—it was perfect for the privacy we both wanted on the trip. Edward—that felt weird, too, knowing he was now going to be my father-in-law—had already promised to foot the entire bill, insisting that money was no problem.

I gave another unnecessary glance up the walkway, my sharp eyes looking for any imperfection, anything that needed correcting, anything that might spoil this day in the slightest for my Renesmee. I looked back the opposite direction, where the walkway curved around a massive piece of driftwood and out of sight, searching for the same thing. Of course there was nothing.


I felt my brows pull together as an automatic scowl marred my features, a result of my being rather forcefully reminded of just why I was out here. It wasn’t just to enjoy a few more minutes before I put on a tux and got all fancy (but it was ultimately worth it, because I was doing it for Ness)—I was here to greet a guest.

A very unpleasant guest.

I still wasn’t sure why Nessie wanted Leah here. I couldn’t think of anyone who really did want her to show back up for the wedding—Bella certainly hadn’t been eager to see her stepsister again, and none of the pack members thought she really needed to come to the wedding, not even Seth. I guess Nessie’s love of large crowds had superseded her dislike for Leah. That, and her unending generosity—even after the way Leah treated her, she was still kind enough and generous enough to invite her to her wedding and spend money on her and make her feel welcome. I couldn’t help but smile slightly—Nessie had always been one to smile in the face of adversity. Right from the moment she was born.

I knew Leah wouldn’t come, though, unless told to—before she’d left, she was overly-fond of making Nessie mad, being deliberately contradictory, refusing to do anything Nessie wanted. My poor girl had come running to me more than once, upset and nearly crying, because of something Leah had done. I thought it was horrible, the way Leah resented her. There had been a time where I was sure Leah had gotten over her fits of jealousy that she was prone to. Apparently not. Who knew what she’d do once she saw this wedding; just another reminder of something she’d never have. And whose fault was that, I wondered.

And that was why I was here—waiting impatiently for her to finally show up. Even though I’d made sure she wouldn’t have a chance to throw Renesmee’s gesture back in her face just out of spite, by ordering her to come to the wedding, I’d called her repeatedly over the past two weeks, trying to pin down exactly when she planned on arriving. Nessie had fortunately had the foresight to remember that Leah didn’t exactly have a car. Running to the wedding in whatever dress she managed to find would dirty it up. Yeah, that was something she’d probably do just to get out of the wedding, or even just to call attention to herself. I’d finally managed to make her promise to show up at nine—that’d give her plenty of time to get cleaned up by the rest of the girls. Alice had been particularly insistent that she get there early. She didn’t need her vision to know that she would be wise to ignore Leah’s petulant demands that she get her own dress. They still had her measurements from when Leah had been a bridesmaid at Sam and Emily’s wedding. So now they had a dress on hand for her. We all knew there was no way Leah would find a dress that would go well with the wedding. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d even seen her in make-up. Not to mention she wouldn’t have a single bit of jewelry to wear.

I was not going to allow her to ruin my girl’s wedding just by looking like her usual ragged self.

I glanced back down at my watch—it was only a few minutes until nine, and she still wasn’t here. She was really trying my patience—I was irritated enough, having to spend an entire twenty-four hours without seeing Renesmee. She’d wanted to go by the old “can’t see the bride for twenty-four hours” routine, for good luck. I’d agreed, of course, but that didn’t make it any easier.

I comforted myself trying to imagine just what she’d look like, walking down the aisle. Stupid endeavor, though. I knew my imagination couldn’t possible come up with anything that would could possibly compare to what she’d really look like all dressed up in her wedding dress. For seven years she spent every day becoming more and more beautiful, but it hadn’t stopped there—she was truly a miracle that way. I didn’t know what kind of dress she would be wearing today; all I knew was that Alice was putting even more effort into this one than she had for even Bella’s. And rightfully so.

I wanted to get back and get ready myself—even if Leah would probably only be passable at the party, I at least was going to be just what Nessie wanted.

As I turned on my heel to pace the opposite direction for the four-hundred-and-eleventh time, I suddenly froze. Almost every hair on my body suddenly stood on end as the air seemed to…charge for a second, all of it seeming to bend and push outward from some point nearby. My ears heard a strange noise—a weird rustling sound that I swore was almost like wings flapping. But it was impossible—the sound was too huge, too deep, and there was something else with it, some strange hum that both felt and sounded like pure, raw electricity. A strong breeze ruffled my hair, and I cringed as the smell of—I swore it was ozone—got up my nose.

And then it was gone. All of it, as quickly as it had come. It had barely lasted more than a second, but it left me shaken and rattled (and almost itchy) and glancing wildly around for whatever had caused it.

That’s when I heard footsteps—four sets, coming around the driftwood tree on the walkway. I stared, my ears now catching the faint thud of three heartbeats, and then…four people came around the corner.

I blinked. It took me a few seconds to realize that one of them was Leah. She was wearing a deep red strapless dress that hugged her figure, no wrinkles visible in the smooth fabric. She had a tiny black purse in one hand, and the red wrap that was on her elbows fluttered slightly in the breeze. The heels of her black T-buckle shoes clicked methodically up the path, and the gemstones around her neck and dangling from her ears glinted in the sunlight. But her surprisingly decent (and feminine) appearance couldn’t hold my attention for long—not when I saw the three men she had with her.

Two of them weren’t worth a second glance. Humans, both kind of tall, dressed in tuxes and obviously here for the wedding. The taller of the two had longer hair that was a little shaggy. Both of them were looking at me with a bit of a wary expression, even though the shorter one had a fading grin, each of them with one of Leah’s arms through the crooks of their elbows.

It was the third man that caught my attention after I’d given him the first perfunctory glance. He was easily the shortest one present—Leah’s heels apparently gave her a few inches over him—and he wore a beige trench coat over his tux. He wasn’t touching any of them, and was keeping one step behind the other three, and he was staring right at me—actually, it was more like through me. His bright blue eyes burned with an unblinking intensity that was unsettling. But even that wasn’t the part that had me uncomfortable.

Three heartbeats. Four people.

As they drew closer, I could tell—that man had no heartbeat.

I didn’t say anything, keeping my eyes on Leah—I didn’t want to look at that guy anymore, even though he still hadn’t stopped staring at me. Leah finally came to a halt five feet away from me, her companions stopping with her.

My hair stood on end again, that weird electric feeling in the air—barely there this time, but still there, as if I were standing next to a power line. Just a low vibration that was a hum just a little too deep for me to really hear, but so deep that I could feel it, almost right down to my bones. The breeze wafted their scents over me—Leah’s familiar wolfish scent, somewhat masked by some cheap perfume, and the smell of two humans—wait, was that sulfur I smelled? And the guy in the coat—did he even have a smell?!

“Well,” Leah said suddenly, nearly startling me. “We have a welcoming committee. Hello, Jacob.”

That snapped me back to attention. I cleared my throat, straightening up to my full height (which was taller than all of them) and regarding all four of them. I gestured at her companions. “What is up with this?” I asked, wanting to know just why she had brought three people with her.

Leah glanced at them all. “They’re my dates,” she said, shrugging. “Renesmee said people could bring them.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Your dates,” I repeated flatly. “All three of them?”

Leah nodded. “Yes. I converted to Mormonism while I was away. These are my wives,” she said blandly.


“Yeah,” said the one to her right, with the shorter hair and the smug smile. “I’m Mrs. Dean Clearwater,” he began, and then he pointed to the tallest with the long hair and the weird smell. “That’s my brother, Mrs. Sam Clearwater.” He pointed to the last one, with the trench coat, who was standing unnaturally still—as still as a vampire. “That’s Cas.”

I pursed my lips. “Leah, Nessie didn’t exactly expect you to bring a date, much less dates, and considering they are—”

“Human, yes,” Leah interrupted. “But Renesmee didn’t even ask if I had a date. I assumed it was allowed, because she said other people could bring people if they wanted to. Plus, they’re all three in on the secret. They know exactly what to expect.”

I glared at her. “What—you just told them? You know that’s not allowed. How did you do that?”

“She didn’t exactly tell us, but she saved us when we were in a tight spot,” Sam suddenly said. “And we’ve known about vampires for a while. Much longer than we’ve known her, at any rate.”

“Basically, we already know it’s gonna look like we just got thrown back into a seventies dance club,” Dean added. “So no worries.”

His almost mocking demeanor vaguely confused me—I’d never met a human who knew the truth that acted this way around my kind, or talked about vampires like that. I wasn’t really sure he understood just what he was going to be hanging around with—Leah must have underplayed them to make herself look better.

Speaking of, Leah sighed, and the sound brought me back to her. “They’re just good friends of mine, Jacob, it’s really no—”

I cut her off. “You still should’ve told us they were coming. Bringing one friend is one thing, but three? Especially when Ness expected you to come alone.”

Leah was giving me that insolent look she always did when she knew she was in trouble, but she thankfully stayed quiet.

I cleared my throat, turning to her friends. “I’m Jacob Black—you said your name was Dean?” I said, holding out my hand to the shorter one of the brothers.

“Yeah—Dean Winchester,” he replied, taking my hand with obvious wariness, but giving it a firm handshake for a human.

I turned to his brother. “Then you’re Sam Winchester?” I asked with a raised eyebrow as he too gripped my hand with surprising firmness—and surprisingly high temperature. He nodded an affirmative.

I glanced briefly at Leah, knowing she wouldn’t miss the pointed look. She didn’t disappoint, and her eyes narrowed. I turned to her third companion, mostly to make it clear I wasn’t interested in any comments from her, almost holding out my hand but deciding against it.

“And you are Cas…?” I trailed off, waiting for a last name. When he didn’t offer anything but a small nod, I felt the need to prompt him. “Cas what?”

His head tilted very slightly. “Castiel.”

His voice was low and gravelly, like he was just recovering from a sore throat. I’d never heard of a name like Castiel—at least, not for a human. There would be plenty of weird names at the wedding today, but so many of them went to vampires. And that wasn’t all he had in common with them—it wasn’t possible, but I heard no heartbeat, heard no breathing, and I was positive that he hadn’t blinked once this whole time. The only things moving on him were his coat and his hair, ruffled slightly in the breeze on the beach. But he wasn’t a vampire. That was impossible—he looked human, and there was no sickly-sweet smell. I still couldn’t get over that there was no smell.

I could only hold his gaze for a few seconds longer as his piercing sapphire eyes felt like they were boring into my skull. I turned away, straightening and focusing solely on Leah. She spoke before I could.

“Jacob, I have to ask,” she began somewhat delicately, but she wasn’t fooling me—I could still hear that tone that meant she was gonna bring something up she knew she shouldn’t. “These guys are my friends, but they are humans—there isn’t going to be a risk of someone thinking they’re part of the catering, right?”

I rolled my eyes. “Leah, you seriously think we’d overlook something like that? There is no chance of that—we gave very clear instructions. All the vampires have already eaten, so nobody will be hungry. Your friends’ll be fine.”

I didn’t miss the way Leah’s jaw clenched—it was impossible, what with the way her teeth were grinding. The Winchesters were staring hard at me, and I recognized that look—it was close to the one Leah gave me when she first found out about the vampires who came down to protect Renesmee ten years ago.

I ignored it—as much as they bragged that they knew all about the vampires and werewolves, they very clearly didn’t. I instead decided to change the subject and finally get to the main point of this meeting.

“Well,” I began, gesturing to her outfit. “You look all right.”

“Thank you,” she said flatly.

“We bought a dress for you anyway, though—we didn’t think you’d have one,” I continued.

“I did say I’d find something appropriate,” she sighed.

“You be sure and find Alice anyway,” I said, letting a little authority seep into my voice. “You know Ness wanted everyone to match—Alice knows more about fashion and matching than you ever will. You should have plenty of time to change and clean up just in case.”

I saw Leah’s chin jut a little, and there was no way I was gonna tolerate that—not today.

I crossed my arms across my chest. “Leah, this is Nessie’s big day. She doesn’t want anything going wrong,” I growled.

“I have no intention—” she began, that huffy whine that she’d never gotten rid of seeping into her voice.

I cut across her. “Oh, I know you don’t. That’s just it—sometimes, I don’t think you intentionally do what you do. Can’t help your personality.”

Leah’s eyes tightened angrily, but she said absolutely nothing. The Winchesters stared incredulously at the scenario unfolding before them, their gaze switching between me and Leah rapidly.

I resisted snorting with laughter—which was partly because Castiel was observing the whole thing with an expression that was making me edgy.

“Look,” I said. “You know why I came down here to meet you—you didn’t exactly leave us on good terms. I let you go, but now that you are back, I expect you to at least fake the most pleasant expressions you can manage. Don’t you dare say anything to my Nessie to upset her. After all the crap you put her through while you were here, you’d better appreciate her inviting you back and trying to make you feel like part of the family again.” I wasn’t using the Alpha order, but my tone made it clear that I was not afraid to do it.

Leah stared at some point behind me in the sand, her head ducked a little. She finally raised her eyes to meet mine, her face a smooth mask.

“I understand, Jacob,” she murmured, and then went back to looking at the ground.

I nodded briefly, pleased that it hadn’t taken any time at all to make her remember her place and reign in that insufferable attitude. I was afraid that four years away from the pack would make her get uppity again.

“Okay. You guys go on—I’ve gotta get ready. Remember to sign the guest book, and you remember to see Alice,” I ordered.

Leah just nodded, her eyes still on the sand, only looking back up when they started walking away. Sam and Dean gave me one last amazed look before moving with her. Castiel lingered for a small second, regarding me steadily and silently, and as he stared not at me but through me, eyes hard as the gemstones they resembled, that weird electric vibe seemed to pulse, and I instinctively cringed back—

And then he turned and walked that single pace behind the other three, his trench coat flaring slightly in the breeze. The low thrum faded, and then I was alone, just watching them stride up the walkway silently.

Once they disappeared around the turn, I shook myself and began trotting to where I’d be getting ready with Seth and Quil—Quil being my best man. I put them out of my mind—I didn’t know exactly what was up with that guy, but I really didn’t have a lot of time to worry about it. I thought back on the conversation that had gone down, but more importantly that I was getting even closer to finally marrying my Ness, and that thought cheered me bit, and soon I had put Leah’s trench-coated friend out of my mind.

Everything had gone well. I was positive I’d have no trouble from Leah now. And her guests—her dates, if that was really what they were—it was more than obvious that Leah had been lording over them while she was away from the pack.

I smirked. Judging from their expressions, they were rather surprised that she had been made to submit to someone. Well, hopefully that would teach them to realize that there was always someone—or something—more powerful down the line.

Author’s Note: *ducks flying vegetables* I know, that was just a total poke in the eye with a sharp stick after the previous two chapters. I am so sorry. And for anybody who noticed it…yes, “reign in that insufferable attitude” was intentional. Meyer makes that error in pretty much every single one of her novels, so I figured, you know. Realism. *gladly takes a tomato in the kisser for that one*

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Tags: fanfic, fic: the wedding crashers, public post, ship: leah/castiel, twilight series

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  • Update time.

    So, this is my life so far from the last post. So frickin' much. Firstly, tomorrow my new roommate moves in. Yep, much sooner than anticipated. I…

  • Update.

    Bobby, my best bud, is home now. The infection got worse before it got better, but he is now out of the hospital and on the road to recovery. He says…

  • Update.

    The infection got worse; he had another surgery today, and now his oxygen levels keep going all over the place, so they have moved him to the ICU and…