Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Part X)

Okay. Part IX was a recap AND a spork. Riley ditched, Bree “woke up” and realized that Diego was dead, she was captured and chucked into a tree by Carlisle, and then Jasper “Sadist” Cullen took over from there and had a grand time mentally torturing her, making her close her eyes and poking her and setting her next to a bonfire full of the smoking remains of her fallen comrades. Don’t you just love the Cullens? They’re so noble. *rolls eyes*

*straps on a helmet* Let’s dig in, folks.

Part X

Mervin: Hello, Sands. Thank you for joining us today.

Sands: Tell me again why I am about to basically spork the same thing I sporked last September when you first recapped Eclipse.

Mervin: Because I’m making you. I need a partner in this, Hyde becomes physically ill just looking at this shit, and since you can’t look at it, you volunteered.

Sands: *very sour expression* I’m going to kill you some day.

Mervin: Yes—but not today. Let’s get started.

One whole field of my vision was obscured by the dark smoke.

Sands: Which field—the field where this battle was fought? THANK YOU!

Mervin: *facepalm*

Close by, Jasper was frowning. His teeth were gritted together and he was looking at me with an expression that was almost… frightened.

Mervin: That makes zero sense.

Not like he was scared of me, but like he was scared because of me.

Sands: It still isn’t making sense. Wasn’t he just putting me to shame in the gleeful torture department up there?

I remembered what he’d said before, about my putting them in danger with something called a Volturi. I wondered what a Volturi was. I couldn’t imagine what this scarred-up, dangerous vampire would be afraid of.

Mervin: *pinches bridge of her nose* I’m not even going to bother with my picture again. I’m just…not going to bother.

Sands: Is she still so convinced of her own superiority that the idea of vampire law enforcement just can’t penetrate her thick, sparkly skull?

Behind Jasper, four vampires were spaced out

Mervin: They’re high?

Sands: (Rosalie): Don’t bogart that joint, Emmett—pass it around.

in a loose line with their backs to me. One was Esme. With her were a tall blonde woman, a tiny black-haired girl, and a dark-haired male vampire

Sands: Because apparently, the only way to delineate between people is by HAIR-COLOR.

Mervin: That is such an amateur-author device.

so big that he was scary just to look at — the one I’d seen kill Kevin.

Mervin: Why does Meyer place all of this emphasis on Kevin? It’s all about Kevin! Kevin this, Kevin that…

Sands: Well, he does steal kidneys.

For an instant I imagined that vampire getting a hold on Raoul.

Mervin: Shouldn’t that be “getting a hold of”?

It was a strangely pleasant picture.

Sands: I agree. It sounds like Bree is imagining Emmett grabbing Raoul’s dick. That’s a very pleasant picture, nothing strange about it!

There were three more vampires behind the big one. I couldn’t see exactly what they were doing with him in the way. Carlisle was kneeling on the ground, and next to him was a male vampire with dark red hair.

Mervin: *double take* Say what now?

Sands: Who the hell in the Cullen clan has red hair?

Mervin: I think she’s talking about Wardo.

Sands: Ed doesn’t have red hair!

Mervin: No, he has bronze hair, as is reiterated about fifty million times over the course of her novels. What the hell, Meyer?!

Lying flat on the ground was another figure, but I couldn’t see much of that one, only jeans and small brown boots. It was either a female or a young male. I wondered if they were putting the vampire back together.

Sands: Oh, Christ. *rubs forehead*

Mervin: Yes, let’s chop down that tree with a dead herring. That works.

So eight yellow-eyes total, plus all that howling before, whatever strange kind of vampire that had been; there had been at least eight more voices involved. Sixteen, maybe more.

Mervin: You know, this is really stupid.

Sands: You noticed that, huh?

Mervin: Shut up. I am simply pointing out that there is nothing else you can say about this right now except that it is…so stupid.

Sands: You forgot the other word that describes it—bad. This is just bad writing, all of it. Mort Rainey would be pissed.

Mervin: Yeah, and so am I. *slaps him upside the head* DON’T DO THAT.

More than twice as many as Riley had told us to expect. I found myself fiercely hoping that those black-cloaked vampires would catch up to Riley, and that they would make him suffer.

Mervin: That’s a way to show true love—a desire to torture people who put you out.

Sands: I’m more amused by the fact that she suddenly is wishing for Riley to be tortured after she starts thinking he lied to the newborns about the number of vampires waiting for them. Not because he killed her precious Diego, but because he was lying about their clear advantage.

Mervin: I hate these people.

The vampire on the ground started to get slowly to her feet — moving awkwardly, almost like she was some clumsy human.

Sands: *laughs*

Mervin: *stony glare* Okay. That’s it. *slams some endless tequila bottles on the table* We are making a drinking game out of this. *taps the Keyboard of Power* As a precaution, I’ve just made sure we can’t get alcohol poisoning. We are taking a shot every single time Meyer does that—these are some of the worst dead herrings I have ever seen in my life.

Sands: Not to mention that we get yet another jab at humanity. *gropes his crotch* Lick my salty balls, Meyer.

The breeze shifted, blowing the smoke across me and Jasper. For a moment, everything was invisible except for him.

Sands: Oh, please. If Ed and the rest of the Cullens can miraculously see right through fog and mist and rain so they can drive 100 mph no matter what the weather, you truly don’t expect me to believe that something as pathetic as smoke can blind your vampires?

Though I was not as blind as before, I suddenly felt much more anxious, for some reason. It was like I could feel the anxiety bleeding out of the vampire next to me.

Both: *fling back Shot #1*

Sands: This is such shit.

Mervin: *pours another shot* I concur, my good man.

The light wind gusted back in the next second, and I could see and smell everything.

Jasper hissed at me furiously and shoved me out of my crouch and back onto the ground.

Mervin: (Jasper): Dammit! I knew I shouldn’t have been sneaking off those little silent ones—should’ve realized she’d eventually smell them…

It was her — the human I’d been hunting just a few minutes ago.

Sands: So much for looking for Diego.

Mervin: Eh, he’s secondary to Bella Swan. She’s the center of the known universe.

The scent my whole body had been focused toward. The sweet, wet scent of the most delicious blood I’d ever tracked.

Mervin: Wet? You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?

Sands: She knows she’s talking about Bella and knows she’s talking about the bestest blood in the world. Bet you wish you had her blood.

Mervin: Oh, believe me—I do. *lovingly strokes a knife*

My mouth and throat felt like they were on fire.

I tried wildly to hold on to my reason — to focus on the fact that Jasper was just waiting for me to jump up again so that he could kill me — but only part of me could do it. I felt like I was about to pull into two halves trying to keep myself here.

Mervin: *wryly* Why don’t you concentrate on the perfectly calm, rather bland and rational prose you’re using to describe your supposed uncontrollable bloodlust?

Sands: *clears throat and speaks in the most uninterested voice he can manage* “Oh, it was a terrible agony that bloomed across my ocular cavities. The pain was so unimaginable. So allow me to describe it.”

The human named Bella stared at me with stunned brown eyes.

Mervin: *STAB*

Sands: OW! *thwap*

Looking at her made it worse. I could see the blood flushing through her thin skin.

Mervin: You know, I’m starting to believe she really is translucent.

Sands: Actually, “thin skin” is a very good way to describe Bella “He Was So Mean” Swan.

I tried to look anywhere else, but my eyes kept circling back to her.

The redhead spoke to her in a low voice. “She surrendered. That’s one I’ve never seen before. Only Carlisle would think of offering. Jasper doesn’t approve.”

Carlisle must have explained to that one when my ears were covered.

Mervin: *tiredly* Clearly, she is insane with bloodlust.

Sands: It’s very kind of her to manage to fight it off long enough to explain everything to us.

Mervin: Actually, that is quite enough to take another shot. *slams back Shot #2* Because, as you said—she was kind enough to take a break from her bloodlust to tell us that CLEARLY, CARLISLE EXPLAINED THINGS WHEN SHE COULDN’T HEAR ANYTHING, when we already know that Wardo knows about that because he just read everybody’s mind.

Sands: *finishes his shot and holds out his glass for another* This is going to be a fantastic game.

The vampire had both his arms around the human girl, and she had both hands pressed to his chest. Her throat was just inches from his mouth, but she didn’t look frightened of him at all.

Mervin: *wide-eyed* Did…did Meyer just do what I think she did?

Sands: *guffawing too much to answer*

Mervin: *laughing with him* OH. MY. GOD. *yanks up “Sins of the Father”*

At length she reached the door and opened it to find her husband sitting in the barber's chair in his usual manner - thighs spread with feet on either side of the footrest - and looking at the razor in his hand, almost as if willing it to speak.

Gethsemane and Meyer, separated at birth! Both taking movie posters and writing them into their stories. But that’s not even the best part. The posters she used? It’s quite obvious what she wrote into her story.


Sands: *falls out of his chair he’s laughing so hard now*

And he didn’t look like he was hunting. I had tried to wrap my head around the idea of a coven with a pet human, but this was not close to what I had imagined. If she’d been a vampire, I would have guessed that they were together.

Both: *Shot #3*

Mervin: Bring that glass back, Sands, that was a double! *pours again*

Sands: *guzzles Shot #4* Hoo, baby, was that ever a double!

Mervin: Indeed. If I wasn’t already feeling buzzed and still gigglesnorting over the previous bit, I’m sure I’d be enraged by Bree basically saying that, just because Bella isn’t a vampire, there is absolutely no way the VERY OBVIOUSLY ROMANTIC AND INTIMATE WAY that Wardo is holding her is, you know—romantic and intimate.

“Is Jasper all right?” the human whispered.

Mervin: “The human”? Everyone else has gotten names—but Bella doesn’t?

Sands: Of course she doesn’t. Did you expect anything less?

Mervin: Meyer, I was supposed to like Bree why?

Sands: If she wanted to make it really creepy, she’d refer to Bella as “it”. But she won’t. She’ll dehumanize her just enough to make it clear that killing her won’t be a problem because she’s not a person, but not too much so we won’t all forget that Bella is the center of the universe.

“He’s fine. The venom stings,” the vampire said.

“He was bitten?” she asked, sounding shocked by the idea.

Who was this girl?


Why did the vampires allow her to be with them? Why hadn’t they killed her yet? Why did she seem so comfortable with them, like they didn’t scare her? She seemed like she was a part of this world, and yet she didn’t understand its realities. Of course Jasper was bitten. He’d just fought — and destroyed — my entire coven. Did this girl even know what we were?

Mervin: Thanks, Meyer. I really wanted to suddenly be thrown violently into what is basically Wardo’s POV from Midnight Sun. I didn’t read that shitty fanfic for a reason, dammit!

Sands: I think one shot will cover all of that. *wiggles his glass at her*

Mervin: I agree. *pours and drinks Shot #5* Oof. I think it’s working—it’s not burning anymore.

Sands: Did you water this stuff down?

Mervin: No, it’s just the thing I did to make sure we didn’t die of alcohol poisoning…


Mervin: *STAB*

Sands: *yanks the pen out of his thigh and jams it into Mervin’s side* Would you stop that?!

the burn in my throat was impossible! I tried not to think about washing it away with her blood, but the wind was blowing her smell right in my face!

Sands: *dryly* Well, I’m terribly sorry that this is putting you out so.

Mervin: Does Meyer not realize that she just made the uncontrollable bloodlust sound like a petulant tantrum?

Sands: (Bree): *throwing herself down on the ground, kicking her feet and beating her fists* THIS ISN’T FAIR, I WANNA KILL THAT PERSON AND EAT HER, DAMMIT!

It was too late to keep my head —

Sands: No kidding—Jasper the Southern Man set this up perfectly so you couldn’t.

Mervin: So they didn’t just stick her around Bree, they put her right where her stink would blow up Bree’s nose?

I had scented the prey I was hunting, and nothing could change that now.

Mervin: *throws up her hands* You weren’t hunting her! You were hunting for DIEGO, you stupid bint!

“He was trying to be everywhere at once,” the redhead told the human.

Mervin: Dammit, he is not a redhead! BRONZE IS NOT RED!

“Trying to make sure Alice had nothing to do, actually.” He shook his head as he looked at the tiny black-haired girl. “Alice doesn’t need anyone’s help.”

Sands: *sucks on a cigarette* Actually, I think it was less about Alice and more about killing the most newborns. He’s finally got a legitimate chance to play Executioner again, and he didn’t want to share with the rest of the Cullens.

Mervin: Maybe that’s why he was so reluctant to ally with the werewolves. That cut his number of prospective victims in half!

The vampire named Alice shot a glare at Jasper. “Overprotective fool,” she said in her clear soprano voice. Jasper met her stare with a half smile, seeming to forget for a second that I existed.

Sands: (Jasper): Silly Alice. You’re a woman—you truly expect me to let you try and fight and actually do something? You will notice that the only mention you ever saw of anybody fighting when this chick showed up were of the MEN fighting? Women don’t do this kind of stuff. Might cause them to break a nail! Now, why don’t you go lay down? You might go into hysterics soon if you don’t.

I could barely fight the instinct that wanted me to make use of his lapse and spring at the human girl. It would take less than an instant and then her warm blood — blood I could hear pumping through her heart — would quench the burn. She was so close

Mervin: I have read that before. Several times. From better authors.

Sands: Maybe it’d be better if it had emotion.

The vampire with the dark red hair

Sands: He doesn’t have red hair, Meyer.

met my eyes with a fierce warning glare, and I knew I would die if I tried for the girl, but the agony in my throat made me feel like I would die if I didn’t.

Mervin: So why don’t you just hurry up and die so you’ll SHUT UP?

It hurt so much that I screamed out loud in frustration.

Sands: Beautiful. Not satisfied with mental torture, Jasper decided to throw in physical torture. It’s not simply hunger—it’s good old-fashioned pain. Beautiful.

Mervin: You know he’s getting a boner from this. So is Wardo, probably.

Jasper snarled at me, and I tried to keep myself from moving, but it felt like the scent of her blood was a giant hand yanking me off the ground.

Mervin: I can’t imagine why that whole bit just suddenly put me in mind of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Sands: How odd. You might want to get that looked at.

I had never tried to stop myself from feeding once I had committed to a hunt.

Sands: Yes, and neither had anyone else. Hence the reason there were so many cock-ups in your little group and why the entire nation should’ve been gripped in a panic because Seattle was apparently under terrorist attack.

Mervin: Meyer is really slathering on the attempted juxtaposition, isn’t she? *rolls eyes* Leaving this bit untouched.

I dug my hands into the ground looking for something to hold on to but finding nothing. Jasper leaned into a crouch, and even knowing I was two seconds from death, I couldn’t focus my thirsty thoughts.

And then Carlisle was right there, his hand on Jasper’s arm. He looked at me with kind, calm eyes. “Have you changed your mind, young one?” he asked me. “We don’t want to destroy you, but we will if you can’t control yourself.”

“How can you stand it?” I asked him, almost begging. Wasn’t he burning, too? “I want her.” I stared at her, desperately wishing the distance between us was gone. My fingers raked uselessly through the rocky dirt.

“You must stand it,” Carlisle said solemnly. “You must exercise control. It is possible, and it is the only thing that will save you now.”

Mervin: So! Exactly same dialogue as before, mostly same actions, just a few extra sentences from Bree thrown in that are bland and emotionless. However, despite the bland and emotionless prose we’re getting, we still have a few more sentences of new info. Namely, that Bree is not just being driven crazy by Bella’s delicious bacon. No, she’s supposed to be in actual physical agony. And that is Carlisle’s compassion.

Sands: (Carlisle): I demand that you exercise control over something that Meyer set up as something completely uncontrollable.

Mervin: Not just that, weren’t we just told all about how unrestrained and wild she was supposed to be?

Sands: Didn’t they do that with Ed? “Well, we know she’s got bacon blood, but we’re not only gonna make you do the sucking, but we’re also not going to help you stop—you know, so you can live for all eternity knowing that you’re the one who murdered your girlfriend.”

Mervin: Lemme guess, Meyer—it’s not like you’re thinking about what you’re writing.

If being able to tolerate the human the way these strange vampires did was my only hope for survival, then I was already doomed.

Mervin: *laughs hysterically* Oh Lord.

Sands: *chuckling* No, she really doesn’t think about what she’s writing.

I couldn’t stand the fire. And I was of two minds about survival anyway. I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want pain, but what was the point? Everyone else was dead. Diego had been dead for days.

Mervin: *sobers immediately* Right. This is healthy, everybody. Life is already not worth living for Bree because that dude she met less than a week ago and had about twenty-four hours of interaction with is dead.

Sands: Kind of like how I was just devastated when the guy who gave me my order at Taco Bell died.

Mervin: Meyer, quit doing this, okay? Quit making it “okay” that Bree is dead to exonerate the Cullens from all blame. This is just wrong.

His name was right on my lips. I almost whispered it aloud. Instead, I gripped my skull with both hands and tried to think about something that wouldn’t hurt. Not the girl,


Sands: Jesus Christ, she really is just the perfect blend of Ed, Bella, and Jerkoff, isn’t she?

and not Diego. It didn’t work very well.

“Shouldn’t we move away from her?” the human

Mervin: That isn’t any better.

whispered roughly, breaking my concentration. My eyes snapped back to her. Her skin was so thin and soft. I could see the pulse in her neck.

Sands: *yawns* You really aren’t holding my interest very much.

“We have to stay here,” said the vampire she was clinging to.

Mervin: Mmm. Telling.

Sands: Sandburrs are a bitch.

They are coming to the north end of the clearing now.”

Mervin: And the reason he couldn’t say “the Volturi” is…?

They? I glanced to the north, but there was nothing but smoke. Did he mean Riley and my creator? I felt a new thrill of panic, followed by a little spasm of hope. There was no way she and Riley could stand against these vampires who had killed so many of us, was there? Even if the howly ones were gone, Jasper alone looked capable of dealing with the two of them.

Or did he mean this mysterious Volturi?

Sands: *thrusts his shotglass under Mervin’s nose* So we could DRINK!

Mervin: *shaking her head and tipping the bottle* Again—not gonna bother with my pictures. They obviously do absolutely nothing. *Shot #6*

The wind teased the girl’s scent across my face again, and my thoughts scattered.

Sands: So, Meyer inadvertently wrote Diego as a flamingly gay man who was slippin’ it to Riley all the time, and now has written Bree as a total lesbian who wants to bone Bella Swan right here and right now. “Repressed” doesn’t even begin to cover this affliction.

Mervin: *faintly cross-eyed* I think “naïve” does.

I glared at her thirstily.

Mervin: *facepalm*

Sands: Ye gods, would it have killed you to just say “hungrily”? Speaking of, there any pibil here?

Mervin: Not when we’re getting drunk.

The girl

Mervin: STOP THAT.

met my stare, but her expression was so different from what it should have been.


Sands: I read Midnight Sun. That IS Ed. It’s almost straight out of his mouth.

Though I could feel that my lips were curled back from my teeth, though I trembled with the effort to stop myself from springing at her, she did not look afraid of me.

Sands: Considering she’s surrounded by seven very powerful vampires who kiss her ass on a daily basis, while you’re a three-month-old small fry with delusions of grandeur, explain to me exactly why she should be afraid of you.

Instead she seemed fascinated. It almost looked like she wanted to speak to me — like she had a question she wanted me to answer.

Mervin: I am counting that as a shot strictly on the basis of a very bad tie-in to Eclipse. *Shot #7*

Sands: We are going to be so drunk by the end of this. ‘Course, we’re already pretty pissed…I’ve got cotton in my ears.

Mervin: That’s what I’m counting on.

Then Carlisle and Jasper began to back away from the fire — and me — closing ranks with the others and the human.

Mervin: Meyer, as I often ask, please explain to me why I should give Bree any kind of sympathy or even consideration when she is kind enough to call other vampires by name when she finds them out, but doesn’t bother calling a human being—my species—by name even though she knows Bella’s name?

Sands: That implies Bella was ever human.

They all were staring past me into the smoke, so whatever they were afraid of was closer to me than it was to them.

Sands: Yeah, and they’re basically throwing you to them, backing away and abandoning you to whatever it is out there that scares them. Still intent on kissing their asses?

Mervin: Don’t be an idiot, Sands. Of course she is.

I huddled tighter to the smoke in spite of the nearby flames. Should I make a run for it? Were they distracted enough that I could escape? Where would I go? To Fred? Off on my own? To find Riley and make him pay for what he’d done to Diego?


As I hesitated, mesmerized by that last idea, the moment passed. I heard movement to the north and knew I was sandwiched between the yellow-eyes and whatever was coming.

Sands: Honey, it’s not so much “sandwiched” as much as it is “you’re out in front to be the distraction”.

“Hmm,” a dead voice said from behind the smoke.

In that one syllable I knew exactly who it was, and if I hadn’t been frozen solid with mindless terror I would have bolted.

It was the dark-cloaks.

Mervin: Why, exactly, are you so terrified of them? I really don’t get it at all.

What did this mean? Would a new battle begin now? I knew that the dark-cloaked vampires had wanted my creator to succeed in destroying these yellow-eyes. My creator had clearly failed. Did that mean they would kill her? Or would they kill Carlisle and Esme and the rest here instead? If it had been my choice, I knew who I would want destroyed, and it wasn’t my captors.

Sands: *taps his glass*

Mervin: Of course. Let’s take two for that. *slugs back Shot #8 and immediately starts pouring Shot #9*

Sands: I feel floaty.

Mervin: I should get drunk for these recaps more often. I’m starting to not care!

The dark-cloaks ghosted through the vapor to face the yellow-eyes.

Sands: *slurring slightly* Dark-cloaks, yellow-eyes—what the fuck is this?

Mervin: It’s bullshit, and that’s really *hic* all we need to know. Ngh, I think the alcohol is really working now.

None of them looked in my direction. I held absolutely still.

There were only four of them, like last time. But it didn’t make a difference that there were seven of the yellow-eyes. I could tell that they were as wary of these dark-cloaks as Riley and my creator had been.

Mervin: *clinging to the sides of her chair and swaying* Bleh, I can’t think of anything funny to say.

Sands: I can—PENIS.

Mervin: That—that don’t apply to any of this!

Sands: But it’s FUNNY. Because we’re drunk.

There was something more to them than I could see, but I could definitely feel it. These were the punishers, and they didn’t lose.

Sands: ‘Cept when they let guilty vampires go home even though they’ve broken serious laws! I say that counts, gimme my drink.

Mervin: No, no—not gonna drink to that… *pushes the tequila away from Sands’s seeking hands*

“Welcome, Jane,” said the yellow-eyed one who held the human.

They knew each other. But the redhead’s voice was not friendly — nor was it weak and eager to please like Riley’s had been, or furiously terrified like my creator’s. His voice was simply cold and polite and unsurprised. Were the dark-cloaks this Volturi, then?

Mervin: We’ll drink to THAT. Mostly ‘cause that’s shtupid.

Sands: *manages to get most of Shot #10 in his mouth* Thanksh for explaining it, Bree, not like we di’nt already read that crap. *burp*

The small vampire who led the dark-cloaks — Jane, apparently —

Mervin: *jabbing her wobbling finger at the screen* She gets a name. She’s a person.

Sands: *falls off his chair*

slowly scanned across the seven yellow-eyes and the human, and then finally turned her head toward me. I glimpsed her face for the first time. She was younger than me, but much older, too, I guessed. Her eyes were the velvet color of dark red roses.

Sands: And is she a little thorny?! *laughs hysterically from the floor*

Knowing it was too late to escape notice, I put my head down, covering it with my hands. Maybe if it were clear that I didn’t want to fight, Jane would treat me as Carlisle had. I didn’t feel much hope of that, though.

Mervin: *drunken rage* Yeah—kinda—kinda like how the—gah. *rights self* Kinda like how none of the people you scarfed down had any hope that you’d let ‘em live! *stomps feet*

“I don’t understand.” Jane’s dead voice betrayed a hint of annoyance.

“She has surrendered,” the redhead explained.

Mervin: *looks around* Who’s the redhead? That Victoria?

Sands: Who’s Victoria? *waving his hands in the air*

“Surrendered?” Jane snapped.

I peeked up to see the dark-cloaks exchanging glances. The redhead had said that he’d never seen anyone surrender before. Maybe the dark-cloaks hadn’t, either.

Mervin: *suddenly screaming* STOP CALLING THEM THE DARK-CLOAKS, YOU TROG!!! Woah—ack— *falls on the floor*

Sands: *cackling hysterically*

Mervin: Where’s my tequila?!

“Carlisle gave her the option,” the redhead said. He seemed to be the spokesperson for the yellow-eyes, though I thought Carlisle might be the leader.

Sands: Yeah, right—he’sh the leader of my butt!

Mervin: *rolling around on the floor* Shure, Meyer. Give Wardo all the *hic* importance. Asshole.

“There are no options for those who break the rules,” Jane said, her voice dead again.

Mervin: *drunken rage again* TELL THAT TO BELLA SWAN, FUCK! *drunken happy now* No second chances—‘cept when you give ‘em! HA! Oh meeble, I’m so drunk…

Sands: I spilled. *points at his pants*

Mervin: *hic* Ooooooh ‘kay, we sober now. *fumbles on the Keyboard of Power*

Both: *are immediately and painfully zapped into sobriety*

Sands: *clutches his head* OH SWEET CHRIST!!!

Mervin: Owwww… *keeps her eyes shut* Okay…okay, that game was a very bad idea. Why is my bra on backwards… *rights it and cracks one eye open* Uh…you didn’t spill, Sands.

Sands: You better clean that up. Your fault I pissed myself.

Mervin: *gingerly taps the Keys* There. Urgh. I really don’t feel good still. Maybe we shouldn’t have used coffee cups for our shotglasses…

Sands: That’s what you get for not doing your dishes, bitch.

Mervin: I’m…going to call it a night. I really wanted this to be the final part, but…it’s been way too long since I posted something, and I really need to finish this. So…I’m going to wrap this up here and for the next part (not going to bother saying “final”, because that’s worked out so great the past few times…maybe not saying it’s the last one will be the trick), I’m going to bring in a brand new recapper I have never used before. Got inspired. You’ll see when I get it done. Ta!

Part IX | Table of Contents | Part XI

Yeah, uh—I’m really sorry, guys, I’m sorry this is so late and I’m sorry it’s so incomplete, but…I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I decided I’ve delayed long enough and have cut it off here. And also, my updates may be sporadic—Hyde has come home for two weeks, so I am busy with her and we’re having fun. But hopefully I’ll get things going still while I’m aboot. Thanks for your patience, and sorry I am so unreliable right now.
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