Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Part VIII)

Part VII involved Riley having the most hilarious tantrum ever, him finally explaining that there are rules and the newborns need to follow them, telling them that there are other vampires out there and that there is a coven gonna try and take over Seattle, and that they are going to start training and head out and attack them in four days. After Bree preferred to play cards with Fred instead of train with those plebes, they all promptly went out and murdered dozens, perhaps over a hundred innocent men, women, and children. Which is all fine by Bree.

Fun times.


If you will remember, Riley lead all of the newborns home. Because it detracted from the impact of their little business on the ferry, I didn’t mention that he started blathering on about dessert. He leads them all home, they have a bit of a party, all doped up on fresh and very tasty blood, and then Riley calms them all down to do some more talking. Yes, that’s what this story needs more of—TALKING.

Riley starts to explain things—he says they need to keep three important facts in mind for the battle tomorrow. One, that the enemy coven? They’ve got YELLOW EYES. Somewhere, Scut Farkus is laughing. Riley explains to the confused group that their eyes are yellow because they are all old and weak and stuff. But, since it’s not like they’re the oldest vampires out there, they’ve got another identifying factor, which brings us to point number two—this coven of vampires has a pet human.

"Like… how?" Kristie asked. "You mean they carry meals around with them or something?"

"No, it's always the same girl, just the one, and they don't plan to kill her. I don't know how they manage it, or why. Maybe they just like to be different. Maybe they want to show off their self-control. Maybe they think it makes them look stronger. It makes no sense to me. But I've seen her. More than that, I've smelled her."

Well. Isn’t that just special.

1) How odd it is that this whole conversation really just brings to mind Laurent asking if they brought a snack back in the first book.

2) How would you know that they don’t plan to kill her?

3) Naturally, they make sure to phrase the Cullens keeping a human in a way that always makes the Cullens look good. Why are you so incapable of having EVEN YOUR VILLAINS speak ill of them unless it’s blatant lies?


Meyer is so good at using plot holes, don’t you think?

Well, with Riley’s announcement, he pulls out a ziplock (what is with the ziplocks, they’re all over this story!) with the red shirt we all remember, and says he grabbed that on one of his forays so they’d have a scent to track. He starts passing it around for everybody to sniff, and I swear by all that is holy, it looks like they are passing around a bag of grass.

Now, sorry for the large quote, but I want to put it in. The only person we’ve ever seen talk about Bella Bacon is Wardo in Midnight Sun. Now let’s see how everyone else feels about it.

He handed the bag to Raoul, who opened the plastic zipper and inhaled deeply. He glanced up at Riley with a startled look.

"I know," Riley said. "Amazing, right?"

Raoul handed the bag to Kevin, his eyes narrowing in thought.

One by one, each vampire sniffed the bag, and everyone reacted with wide eyes but little else. I was curious enough that I sidled away from Fred until I could feel a hint of the nausea and knew I was outside his circle. I crept forward until I was next to the Spider-Man kid, who seemed to be at the tail end of the line. He sniffed inside the bag when it was his turn and then seemed about to hand it back to the kid who had given it to him, but I held my hand out and hissed quietly. He did a double take — almost like he'd never see me before — and handed me the bag.

It looked like the red fabric was a shirt. I stuck my nose in the opening, keeping my eyes on the vampires near me, just in case, and inhaled.

Ah. I understood the expressions now and felt a similar one on my face. Because the human who had worn this shirt had seriously sweet blood. When Riley said dessert, he was dead right. On the other hand, I was less thirsty than I'd ever been. So while my eyes widened in appreciation, I didn't feel enough pain in my throat to make me grimace. It would be awesome to taste this blood, but in that exact moment, it didn't hurt me that I couldn't.

And thus we see what the world truly revolves around. Thought it was gonna be the Cullens? No way—it all ultimately comes back to Bella and how she is the most AWESOME. BACON. EVER.

And you know what? After dealing with so much of this crap so far, I’m just going to let you all draw your own damn conclusions and move on.

Riley says that the only rule with her is basically whoever gets to her first gets to eat her. That prompts Bree to go all introspective again.

Simple, yes, but… wrong. Weren't we supposed to be destroying the yellow-eyed coven? Unity was supposed to be the key, not a first-come, first-served prize that only one vampire could win. The only guaranteed outcome from this plan was one dead human. I could think of half a dozen more productive ways to motivate this army. The one who kills the most yellow-eyes wins the girl. The one who shows the best team cooperation gets the girl. The one who sticks to the plan best. The one who follows orders best. MVP, etc. The focus should be on the danger, which was definitely not the human.

I looked around at the others and decided that none of them were following the same train of thought. Raoul and Kristie were glaring at each other. I heard Sara and Jen arguing in whispers about the possibility of sharing the prize.

Well, maybe Fred got it. He was frowning, too.

*wryly* Since you’ve been such a brilliant tactician thus far, meathead.

Look, Bree, it really doesn’t matter how he did it. They are going to be squabbling amongst each other no matter what. Since Bella is just sooooooooooo nommilicious and tempting, they would find a way to sabotage the others so they would get the most kills or whatever it was you said. So that was a ballpoint banana again, and I’m just gonna move on and ignore it.

Now—as interesting as the idea was that Victoria and Riley keep them contained and afraid by drilling the vampire myths about the sun killing them into their heads, I knew eventually, something was going to change about that. Because, if you will recall from Eclipse, the newborn army attacks in the day. Thus far? There has been no reason for them to attack in the day. Attacking at night would be more logical—their prime time, what they are used to, when they are the most active, etc. Add on the fact that they are terrified of daylight, it makes even less sense. So, unless Meyer was going to do the biggest plot hole and canon violation/contradiction yet, this would not be allowed to last.

She didn’t forget. She remembered the time of day they attacked.

And any stupid you have experienced thus far? Anything that drove you insane because it was SO FUCKING STUPID?

Throw that out the window. Because next to this? It is smart.

"There are so many things you have yet to learn about being a vampire," Riley said. "Some of them make more sense than others. This is one of those things that won't sound right at first, but I've experienced it myself, and I'll show you." He deliberated for a long second. "Four times a year, the sun shines at a certain indirect angle. During that one day, four times a year, it is safe… for us to be outside in the daylight."

Every tiny movement stopped. There was no breathing. Riley was talking to a bunch of statues.

"One of those special days is beginning now. The sun that is rising outside today won't hurt any of us. And we are going to use this rare exception to surprise our enemies."

*stares, mouth hanging open*

I’m…I’m speechless. I am so speechless that all I can do at this point is just…I am in awe.

And I continue to be in awe. Because this is no mere idiot plot. This is an idiot fractal. I said for good reason to no longer think of anything you previously thought was the dumbest thing ever in this series, because this right here is the dumbest thing ever.

Because this gets Bree to thinking (well, the budget, off-brand imitation of thinking she tends to do, anyway). Bree actually considers that maybe she and Diego just got lucky and landed in one of the special days where the sun shines indirectly (*sporfle*). She quickly realizes that that is impossible, seeing as he’s making this out to be “some kind of solstice-y seasonal thing”. She just can’t figure out why he would suddenly tell them to go out in the daylight now! (*headdesk*)

Lightbulb! Of course, it must be “those scary dark-cloaks”. After all, it’s not like they’d promised to let her live. Bree guesses that Victoria will have the newborns take care of the “yellow-eyes” (*rolls eyes*) and then ditch, and then she also guesses that she’ll also be ditching everyone else as well (did you forget how Jane said running and hiding would do absolutely no good?). “I would have to get to Diego quick so we could bail, too. In the opposite direction from Riley and our creator. And I ought to tip Fred off. I decided I would as soon as we had a moment alone.” Because, clearly, Diego is alive and well and waiting for her, just scouting out surveillance.

Even after what Riley just said—she still assumes Diego is alive and he wasn’t lying to her.

*double-facepalm* This has got to be the most empty-headed character that has ever been put to paper. Yes, folks, we have found someone who is dumber than Bella Swan, and her name is Bree Tanner.

On the other subject of that statement—notice the deeper meaning. The only one who refuses to attack the Cullens is the good one. In other words, the only one who doesn’t kiss their perfect white asses is BAD BAD BAD. This is not a perspective flip!

We get another mention about Diego, because if he was here, they “could analyze it together”. Because, apparently, she needs him here to POINT OUT THE FUCKING OBVIOUS. OH MY GOD. THIS STUPID IS KILLING ME.

*shakes self* Okay, just get it together, Mervin, PLOW THROUGH THE STUPID. Bree babbles about all of the manipulation, and how she isn’t sure she is “catching it all”. I can tell you right now that you aren’t, you who has the brain of a gnat. Bree holds our hands and tells us why Riley would lie like this, because he’s been lying this whole time about the sun, so to suddenly spring the whole truth would get him into trouble. Bree? We didn’t need you to tell us that. Because we are actually intelligent enough to figure that out for ourselves. In fact, we figured it out a long time ago. It’s so nice to see you finally starting to catch up. Even though we’ve already lapped you about a dozen times.

Bree’s brain-surgeon ponderings are interrupted by Riley talking again, saying it’s fine to be scared, but that they’d better man up and walk out when he does. People start whining, but he says they need to do this now because the “yellow-eyes” (that’s really stupid, Meyer) don’t know that their group knows about this miracle day (and that’s really stupid, too, Meyer), and throws open the basement door and starts trotting right up the stairs. Bree demonstrates how profoundly intelligent she is by not scooting back when everyone else does. Fred eyes her, and she mouths (right in front of everyone) that the sunlight won’t hurt them. Fred boggles, asking if she trusts Riley, and she confirms that she doesn’t.

Well, you apparently trust him enough to not BLOW THE LID OFF OF EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. You’ve caught him in a lie! SAY SOMETHING, YOU MORON!

Riley finally opens the main door, and in comes the light. Everyone flips out, and we have some emphasis of how eeeeeeeeeeevil Kristie is because she’s using other newborns as a shield. Listening to Meyer vilify Kristie for that after she just had her protagonist and narrator help slaughter 150 innocent men, women, and children pushed my Paul button.

*growls and simmers down* Bree continues to be an absolute idiot, not bothering to even pretend to look scared, and Riley calls down, “I'm curious to see who is the bravest one of you. I have a good idea who the first person through that door is going to be, but I've been wrong before.” Bree has an exaggerated sarcasm moment of how she thinks that’s reverse psychology for the group, but, because—repeat with me—SHE IS AN IDIOT, she never once considers that maybe Riley was trying to catch her out by implying it would be HER.

Riley then stomps back down after calling them babies and drags Kevin upstairs and shoves him out into the sunlight. Kevin confirms that he’s fine, and he, too, has an unrealistic reaction to that. Do these people not realize that they are sparkling, and that it makes them look flamingly gay? No, they don’t. I still wanna know just what the hell Meyer thinks sparkling looks like.

Well, Bree starts talking about how clever she’s gonna be, choosing to emerge with Fred after about half of the group has gone up. Considering you’re still not going to look phased by all this, that does not help. As they go up, Bree confirms that she knew all about this to Fred, and he marches up without slowing. Bree pauses to get in a dig at Kristie: “Kristie was a better example of how well Riley had indoctrinated us. She clung to what she knew regardless of the evidence in front of her.” Considering that’s all you’ve been doing this whole time, dumbass, I find that comment rich.

Oh, by the way—missed this line previous, but in the face of the sudden Kristie-bashing that Meyer’s cramming in here, I went back and looked and would like to point out that Kristie? Is a blonde.


Everyone is all dazzled (naturally), and Bree has an aside, noting that Fred is all calm and analytical and she wonders just how much he’s already guessed or knows about Riley and all his lies. My guess? More than you. Because a HAMSTER knows more than you at this point. Riley gets everyone to focus with one more bit of practice, which lasts an hour (at least, that’s what she tells us, ‘cause we don’t see it), and it works because everyone gets focused and excited. Afterwards, Bree notices Fred starting to back away, and she sticks with him, ‘cause despite all her pondering, she couldn’t make this move on her own—a Man has to lead the way. He’s obviously got his Fart Bubble of Invisibility up, because nobody notices him leave. Riley talks about how they’re all ready to eat again, and Bree confirms that (even though you haven’t mentioned it once before this), and he passes around the bag of Bella weed just to get everyone salivating some venom again. He also SIGNIFICANTLY mentions that Victoria and Diego are waiting to meet them, and naturally, Bree is still buying that story. Jesus Christ—he’s been lying this whole time and you know it, but you think that he’s telling the truth JUST THIS ONE TIME?

DUMBASS. Oh, don’t worry, you don’t have to run—I know I’ve slapped you every time I say that, but I won’t do it this time. *slaps her* DUMBASS.

Riley gives the call to battle, and off they go—except Fred doesn’t move, and Bree stays with him against her better judgment. “If I were going to get to Diego and pull him away before the fighting could start, I would need to be near the front of the attack. I looked after them anxiously. I was still younger than most of them—faster.

Because Diego is waiting, of course. He’s totally not dead.

Fred then starts talking, saying that Riley won’t be able to even think of him for twenty minutes without feeling sick. *throws her hands up* Now you’re just pulling powers out of your ass for convenience! *sighs* What am I complaining about. Isn’t that exactly what she does any time she needs something done? We need to be able to predict our enemies’ moves! So Alice sees the future. We need to show off the depth of Wardo and Bella’s relationship! So Marcus senses relationships. We need to keep Victoria hidden for the next two books until the climax! So she has the power of running away really well. We need to verify the story of Death Baby! So someone has a lie detector power.

Fred continues, saying that he’s not going because it is obvious like woah that Riley’s lying, and he’s not about to be a “pawn”. Bree unnecessarily tells us that “Fred had figured it out on his own”. We never would have guessed. Fred says he wanted to tell Bree about this, but they never had a moment alone. Bree tells him in turn that what he told them about the four days is bullshit, and says that there are more than just the Cullens out there that are enemies. And she reiterates that she has “to get to Diego”. ‘Cause he’s alive, you see. Fred continues, saying that he’s completely done with all this nonsense. He makes an offer to Bree, telling her to join him because he can make sure nobody can get near them or follow them.

And, of course, Bree turns it down, because she has to get to the totally-alive-totally-not-dead-totally-waiting-with-Victoria Diego. Fred nods and says to bring him along, and that they can start their own little coven. Bree then tells Fred about the Volturi that get pissed off about exposure. Hey! They never mentioned death if the secret’s exposed! Plot hole, dammit.

Bree tells Fred that she has to go, because she has to find totally-not-a-pile-of-ashes Diego! He says peachy, and that he’ll wait for her in Riley Park in Vancouver for one day. Meyer’s hilarious. More emphasis on how Bree is going to get completely-still-standing-and-playing-chess-with-Victoria Diego and meet him there, and they split.

I have a feeling I’ll be able to round this out with one more part, as that was page 138. We’ll end here, and I’ll post the final part tomorrow, and then finish up afterwards with final thoughts on the whole piece (I will tell you now, those are not gonna be pretty).

Will Bree find Diego? Because he is alive, after all. He totally didn’t die four days ago.

*hands out boards with pillows stapled to them* Go ahead. Start whacking yourselves. I’ve been doing it for a while now—it’ll help beat the stupidity out of your head, and it’s safer than headdesking.

Part VII | Table of Contents | Part IX
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