Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Part the Fourth

The only good thing that might have come out of this scene is that the fic “Celebrían” never would’ve been written.

“Your Naneth, has prevailed upon me to accede to her a journey to Lorien, she longs to visit her kin again,” said Elrond.

Sands: Elrond, would it kill you to say, “Celebrían wants to go visit her mommy?”

If I was worried before, nothing compared to what I was now feeling.

Mrs. Hyde: And it was showing in his pants.

“That is troubling,” I replied, “the journey would be unnecessarily long during this time of year as the High Pass is frozen closed.

Snape: Are you sure you’re not referring to your dear little wife’s quim? Repeated sessions of your bumbling attempts to poke your shriveled little carrot in her would likely freeze the passions of even the most ardent female.

The next logical route through the Misty Mountains would be the Redhorn Pass, and after that the Gap of Rohan.

Mervin: I’m all for it! She could pick up some new clothes and shoes there!

Travelling problems aside Ada, you know of my recent scouting of the Misty Mountains.”

“The ‘secret’ Orc dens you sensed,” nodded Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah—it was a great disturbance in the Force.

“Correct, I have no doubt that any party trying to cross the Mountains would be subjected to some kind of

Mervin: —party clowns—

harassment or attack from orcs. The Gap of Rohan would be far safer in that regard, as the Rohirrim slay any orcs that dare venture into their land,” I explained

Snape: Since far-seeing Elrond wouldn’t already have some notion concerning the goings-on of Men.

and with some distaste I added: “and Saruman the White is now resident in Isengard, his sphere of influence allows no orc to come near the Gap.”

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): Whereas I’ll let anyone come near my Spheres of Influence, if you know what I mean.

Mervin: “Said with distaste,” hmm? Meaning he’s displeased that Saruman is doing something good for Middle Earth?

Snape: Of course—it cannot be accredited to him, and he’s rather jealous.

Sands: *is quietly and steadily getting drunker*

“Could you not enchant a device that would allow her to travel to Lorien safely?” asked Elrond with undisguised hope flowing in his voice.

Mervin: Yes, he could—see, author, this is what happens with you start god-moding—the plot just starts to fall apart.

“I can,” I grimaced, “but Ada you of all people know what Celebrian would say to that.”

Mrs. Hyde: …which is?

Elrond stood restlessly and walked towards to pedestal that held the

Snape: —self-erected shrine to his meager endowments—

fire aloft and rested both his arms against it.

Mervin: It’s on fire, but he stuck his arms on it?

Sands: Idiot.

I could clearly see his eyes were glaring daggers at the tongues of flame that were dancing in front of him.

Mrs. Hyde: *writhes* Oh, the mixing of the metaphors—it burns!

Sands: I’d probably say something scathing about that if I wasn’t so incredibly drunk right now.

Mrs. Hyde: Well, whatever you’d be doing, I suspect it would be pissing me off. Get back in your own chair.

“She would say no,” grumbled Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: And why the hell not? Spite? Stupidity? What? Are females just that dumb, here?

“Ada, have you Seen something?” I asked in a tentative voice.

“Yes,” replied the Chief Eldar,

Mervin: (Elrond): You, naked in the shower, cracking one off. It was hideous.

“I have seen a future that my beloved will depart over the Sea before the end of next year.”

Mrs. Hyde: Yes! Run, Celebrían! Get as far away from this wanker as possible!

“WHAT?” I asked in alarm and stood clutching my Phoenix staff reflexively.

Sands: What a cute little nickname for the knob! Hey, Harry—if I set your dick on fire, will a new one be reborn from the ashes?! *laughs too loudly and flails in his chair, spilling tequila on himself*

Snape: Mervin, I suggest you do something about him—he is becoming alarmingly intoxicated.

Mervin: I’ll fix it if it gets out of hand.

Sands: Harry’s out of hand!!! *takes another swig of tequila and laughs and shrieks as it comes out his nose*

“I wish it were not so, but it is the truth,” replied Elrond in a voice of sorrow.

Mervin: This is so clunky.

Mrs. Hyde: Good and original, Mervin. Good and original.

“What is it with the bloody stubbornness in all the females of my life?!” I asked rhetorically in a voice barely below an angry roar.

Snape: Oh, yes—the females are stubborn because they will not do what you want them to do. Sounds like the author has rejection issues.

Sands: *sticks a couple of lime peels in his eye sockets* Forget about sticking the orange peel in the mouth and grinning as somebody goes by—this is the way to do it!

Mrs. Hyde: Is he paying any attention to what is going on?!

Mervin: *looking at him* No. I don’t think he is.

I could no longer repress my mood and started pacing.

“Truly,” agreed Elrond weakly.

Mrs. Hyde: Now Elrond’s just a pussy.

“I’ll stun, bind and transfigure her if I have to,

Sands: And he’ll enjoy it! *cackles*

if that would get her to take a Portkey trip to Lorien!” I declared.

“I wish you luck and good health when you revive her,” said Elrond dryly.

Mervin: (Elrond): Because if you dare lay a finger on my wife, I will see that you do not live to regret it.

“It is better that she is angry with me than dying in a boat sailing into the West!”

Mrs. Hyde: She didn’t die, you bonehead! She left!

Snape: Ah, but she didn’t ask for his permission first.

I snarled hitting my staff into ground causing a resounding boom to shake the earth beneath the house.

Snape: Potter, if you could kindly stop paying excessive homage to the withered little root between your legs and continue with this so-called story?

“Calm yourself Istar-ion,” instructed Elrond. I took a few deep breaths regaining control over the power within me.

Mervin: That’s just heartburn.

“I have lost enough loved ones in my native realm,

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah—but what about the ones that you currently have, but haven’t thought about in 400 years?

and it will not happen here as well,” I stated with conviction and power radiating from me.

Mervin: Oh, he’s radiant with power now.

Sands: That’s nice. *staggers out of his chair and falls on Snape, groping at him* You don’t feel like you sound, Mrs. Hyde!

Snape: *forgets his prejudice against Muggle barbarism and cold-cocks him* Pig.

Mervin: I think a little Keyboard Intervention is required here… *sobers Sands up*

Sands: Oww…why does my mouth hurt?

Mervin: Because that’s where Snape punched you. You should be ashamed of yourself—forcing Snape to have to resort to Muggle methods of dueling. Anyway—you need to be sober for this.

Snape: Sands, regardless of whatever misguided notions you have concerning your own attractiveness, I assure you that I can find an endless supply of tasks that I’d rather be doing than buggering you over the back of the chair—starting with going over my own old childhood photo albums with Potter.

Sands: *rubbing his jaw, straightening his shades* I suppose I haven’t got a chance with you, have I? *nasty grin* After all—I sporked “Believe me” and “Jaden” with Mervin, and I’ve seen where your tastes lie.

Mervin: *quickly* Uh, hey! Look what’s about to happen!

There was not much more to be said between us and I stormed out of the Hall of Fire.

Snape: Canon or no, that certainly has new meaning, given Potters proclivities.

My staff echoing around the hallways as it tapped on the floor.

Mrs. Hyde: All I can see is him doing the whole movie-verse Durmstrang entrance bit.

The Elves who saw me hurriedly backed out of the way their eyes wide in awe and even a little fear.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, how I hate him.

Snape: It’s how Potter normally perceives himself, really.

I did not blame them I suppose; I must have looked a fright.

Sands: No kidding.

My destination was the library. I burst through the doors and spied Elladan and Elohir sitting opposite Celebrian, all were buried in

Mervin: No, to all involved!

Sands and Hyde: *grouse*

books as they were clearly looking for something.

Snape: Potter, truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

This did not faze me in the slightest, nor give me pause for taking my next actions.

Snape: As per usual—really, this author manages to surprise me with his occasional bout of in-character behavior, where Potter is concerned.

All three’s heads snapped up in my entrance and my adopted family gazed at me in concern.

Sands: Which rapidly turned to horror when they saw his raging hard-on.

I raised my staff and sent a jet of

Mrs. Hyde: —man-gravy—

Mervin: Damn you.

Sands: Rock on!

red light at Celebrian

Mervin: Thank God it wasn’t lavender.

that caused her to slump into sleep.

Mrs. Hyde: Harry quickly unbuttoned his pants.

The Twins reacted and Elladan flung his dagger at me, while Elohir had drawn his sword and was advancing towards me.

Snape: I believe the twins just spoke for all of us.

The dagger rebounded harmlessly off my shield charm

Mervin: Oh—this is new.

while I threw a disarming charm at Elohir that threw his sword away and sent him sprawling into a bookshelf.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, look! It’s Rose Potter! Is he going to carve words in his face next?

Elladan had also drawn his sword and started to attack as well but a simple stunning spell sent him crashing to the floor.

Sands: And more senseless violence! This is a man after my own heart!

I whirled and slashed my staff upwards

Mrs. Hyde: You like it a little rough, do you?

which caused the few Elves who had heard the commotion and wanted to intervene to fly backwards.

Snape: I can’t help but feel that Potter’s random violence towards the Elves is a misguided attempt to assert his dominance.

I threw a complex shutting spell on the doors to the library.

Sands: So, basically, he’s ripping off the World Wizard Federation movie scene, here.

Grumbling angry words under my breath at my Naneth’s stubbornness

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, so it’s her fault that you came in and assaulted her?! You son of a bitch!

Snape: Oh, how charming. Naturally, nothing he ever does is his fault. He feels himself justified in inflicting harm on whoever stands in the way of his perceived justice.

Mrs. Hyde: God, his wife probably apologizes after he hits her—for surely, she made him do it!

I lifted her sleeping form easily by placing my arm around her waist and flinging her left arm around the back of my neck.

Sands: Suddenly, she sprung to life, having only been faking unconsciousness, and strangled him.

I closed my eyes and concentrated for a few moments, and with a pop, of displaced air I

Mervin: (Not!Harry): —ripped a huge fart.

apparated myself and Celebrian smack into the hall of Caras Galadhorn, just before the seats of Celeborn and Galadriel.

Mervin: So, you’re telling me that the Elves you’ve “created” here have knowledge of Occlumency and magic in the style of Harry Potter, and that the Istar are nothing more than glorified HP wizards—and yet you expect me to believe that Lothlorien doesn’t have some variant of anti-apparition wards?

Mrs. Hyde: I’m surprised that Sauron hasn’t just popped in and killed them all.

Our sudden appearance caused a few of the guards to draw swords but they sheathed them

Snape: —to the quillions right in his solar plexus—

again when they saw who it was. I looked forward and saw that only Galadriel was seated and Celeborn was nowhere in sight.

Mrs. Hyde: —because he didn’t have much of a role in the movies, so the author can’t be buggered to write him.

Sands: I wish I was wherever he was.

I slowly lowered my adopted mother to the floor and conjured a pillow for her head, this would take some explaining.

Mervin: Namely about why you speak in nothing but run-on sentences.

“Greetings Daer-Naneth,” I bowed my head slightly, in respect for Galadriel.

Mrs. Hyde: Respect my ass! Where does he get off calling her “grandmother?”

Sands: Shut up, bitch—he does what he wants. Like me.

The Lady of the Wood for her part wore a confused frown and the sight of her unconscious daughter was more than worrying.

Snape: If it had been Potter unconscious, I’m sure that would have warranted tearing of her hair and beating of her breast.

“I pray you have good reason for

Mrs. Hyde: (Galadriel): —attacking my daughter and grandchildren. *snaps her fingers and the guards kill him immediately*

dropping in so unexpected,” said Galadriel.

Mervin: (Galadriel): Because I, apparently unlike my son-in-law, have better things to do than wait on you.

“Yes I do,” I replied, “my Naneth was determined to travel to Lorien in a few days time and had convinced Elrond to the idea. I have merely acceded to her desires.”

Snape: Oh—so she was asking for the rape as well as the beating?

Galadriel sighed and knew her daughter would have wanted to travel the old fashioned way, to her it was the journey that was important not the destination.

Sands: So—in order to stop and smell the roses, she’ll risk life and limb. What a stupid bitch.

“And your means to achieve this seems rather rash,” said Galadriel.

Mervin: They most certainly does.

Mrs. Hyde: I don’t think Galadriel would be all kind and understanding about this—instead of trying to talk Celebrían into using magical means to get to Lothlorien, he barges in, hexes her, physically harms her sons, and unnecessarily attacks the surrounding Elves who dare show concern and try to interfere with what certainly looks like an attack on the Lady of Rivendell. And all she says is, “Well, this is rather rash.”

Sands: Wrong—she says, “This are rather rash.”

Mrs. Hyde: *dryly* Oh, my mistake.

I related the news of my scouting of the Misty Mountains

Sands: He told the Misty Mountains about his scouting? Man—this guy will brag to a fencepost!

Snape: You have no idea.

in response to this. “Most worrying, Sauron is clearly trying to isolate parts of Middle-Earth from each other, using the Misty Mountains as his shield from the West,” said Galadriel.

Mervin: *scowls* We have to listen to layers of purple prose about his greatness, but that irritating plot stuff is crammed into a few sentences?

“Yes,” I replied and with a light touch of my staff to her head I ended

Snape: —her life, caving in her head like a cantaloupe.

the sleeping spell on Celebrian. She took a while to properly awake but eventually her eyes snapped open and quickly assessed her surroundings.

Mervin: So, did she snap awake or take a while? Make up your mind.

Celebrian stood slowly and greeted her mother with a hug murmuring words to each other.

Mervin: That is a very strange hug.

Sands: Sounds kind of hot to me—but I’m always up for girl-on-girl action.

She then turned around and regarded me impassively. I stood resolutely my staff clutched in my right hand and raised a defiant chin.

Mrs. Hyde: In other words, you stared down your nose at her, daring her to speak.

“ISTAR-ION!” burst out Celebrian in anger.

Mervin: I thought she was impassive?

It turns out my Naneth has an impressive temper when properly inspired, which I just did.

Snape: I find that you have that effect on me as well.

“Be angry at me all you want Naneth,” I invited,

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): But I’ll take it out of your ass if you piss me off.

“but I am not sorry for the outcome of my actions, I am sorry for the means though.”

Sands: Oh, the end justifies the means—I love that logic.

“What did you do to the Twins?!

Mervin: (Not!Harry): I toasted their asses!

They would surely have not stood by while you cursed me!” roared Celebrian. Galadriel was now wearing a look of amusement at her uppity daughter’s temper.

Snape: Uppity? Uppity?! She expressed quite legitimate concern for her sons and rage at being assaulted, and you, Potter, you whose head is so swollen with his own smug superiority that he can barely fit through doorways, have the nerve to call her uppity?!

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, that’s it, you fudge-packer! Who the hell do you think you are, you arrogant asshole?! You’re the rudest, smuggest, smarmiest, self-absorbed sonofabitch I have ever had the misfortune to run across, and then you have the unmitigated hypocrisy to call others uppity when they don’t do exactly what you tell them to?! And it’s all the worse now because Galadriel thinks it’s funny!!!

Sands: *shifting in his seat with a rather foul grin* I’ve got wood.

Mrs. Hyde and Snape: *freeze*

*dead silence*

Mervin: *horrified* Sands!!

Sands: Come on, guys, you were really revving up! Don’t stop—I’m so close!

Snape: *fingers flexing as though reaching for his wand* Don’t you speak to me.

Mrs. Hyde: *sullen silence*

“I did not curse you!” I countered hotly,

Mervin: (Not!Harry): I just cursed your children!

“I enchanted you to sleep. And the Twins will merely have a few bumps and bruises, nothing my wife can’t fix up in a trice.

Sands: *thoughtfully* Harry and I have something in common.

Snape: Amazing. I never thought I’d ever hear you actually admit that you are both utterly revolting little monogloids who are quite obviously compensating with your obsessions with weaponry.

Sands: Sit and spin, shithead, nobody asked for your opinion—anyway, that read of the old standby of, “Why you gotta make me hit you, baby?” It wasn’t Harry’s fault that he threw Elrohir into a very solid object and probably hurt him, and then needlessly attacked everyone else that came to Celebrían’s aid—it’s Celebrían’s fault! And it was Jessica’s fault that I stuck a gun in her mouth and blew her goddamned head off.

Mrs. Hyde: In other words, you’re both abusive sons of bitches who deserve whatever ill befalls you.

Sands: Well, I wouldn’t say that about me, but about him? Yes.

Did you not listen to Ada when he told you of my discovery of the Orc dens in the Misty Mountains?!”

Mervin: Anything of yours is crap—why should she?

“A risk we all take!” roared Celebrian.

“A risk you are totally disregarding for some reason,” I shouted, “you can clearly

Mervin: —see now, the rain is gone.

wait the six months it would take for the High Pass to become accessible again, it is the only pass that can be relatively secured for your journey.

Mrs. Hyde: …you mean to tell me that she was quite literally asking to be attacked? *buries head in hands* Good gravy, but it says a lot about the author that he had to make the canon characters this dumb in order to make his avatar look smart.

But there is no dire need for this journey!”

“Yes, but thanks to you there is no journey now, is there?” she sniped back.

Snape: (Potter): *belts her across the mouth* And remember, you fell down the stairs!

“I will most surely regret saying this, but not twenty minutes ago Elrond glimpsed with his Foresight that you would depart over the Sea before next year is done with the malice of death hanging over you,” I countered. The shock this caused in all present was clearly evident. I could see Galadriel shed a single tear and look down not wanting anyone to witness her discomfort at hearing those words. My words had clearly taken the winds from my Naneth’s sails.


Snape: Yes, in point of fact, he does—after watching him spend a year doing just that, I confess that I find this entirely in character. This is just the next step for the little mongrel—first he started with stepping on his so-called-friends, then he moved on to throwing his perceived weight around with the Order, then on to the staff and the other students, so now he clearly thinks himself above showing respect to the Lady of the Golden Wood and her daughter.

Mrs. Hyde: This little craphead can just roast in hell for all of me—do you have any idea how close I am to going full-out Hyde the Destroyer on this asshole?!

Snape: Probably as close as I am to forgoing magic all together and strangling this little pissant with my bare hands.

Sands: *sighs in satisfaction, leaning back and lighting up a cigarette* That was good for me. I hope it was for you, too. *tips back a good-sized shot of tequila*

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, dear GAWD, Sands, why do you DO that?!!

Sands: Because it pisses you off so bad—it’s great.

Snape: Because it’s the only action he’ll ever receive.

Sands: Well, that’s more than what you get, ya limp noodle!

Snape: *sneers*

“The future is always in motion, it is not certain,” said Celebrian weakly, it had clearly taken a lot out of her to be this angry with me.

Sands: Hate-sex, yeah!

“That is true,” I replied softly and closed the distance between us.

Mervin: *frantically* He was kidding!

Sands: I was?

Mervin: Shut up!

She flung her arms around me and hugged me; I hugged back for all I was worth, staff not withstanding.

Sands: I’m apparently not the only one who was getting off on you two…

“But I do not want you take unnecessary risk.” I reached into the pockets of my robes and pulled out

Mrs. Hyde: Put that away, little man!

a Phoenix pendant and placed around her neck.

Mervin: —as a symbol of ownership.

“This is a device that will allow you travel between Imladris and Caras Galadhorn instantaneously. Just hold it in your hands

Sands: —and bob your head up and down.

and clearly think of your destination and then speak ‘Lend’”


“Thank you son,” murmured Celebrian,

Mrs. Hyde: …she did. She thanked him for attacking her and beating her sons. Kill me now.

she sniffed slightly and I cleaned a few tears away from her face with pad of my thumb.

Mervin: EWW! That is not the kind of description I want to hear concerning someone you supposedly consider a mother!

Snape: Have you seen Miss Weasley, Mervin? Potter is clearly suffering from an Oedipus complex.

Mrs. Hyde: Someone—anyone—why didn’t he just tell her this? Why all the posturing and the unnecessary violence?

Sands: Might as well ask a dog why he lifts his leg, sugarbutt.

( Harry joins the Fellowship and calls the hobbits “dead weight.” )

  • Update time.

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  • Update.

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  • Update time.

    So, this is my life so far from the last post. So frickin' much. Firstly, tomorrow my new roommate moves in. Yep, much sooner than anticipated. I…

  • Update.

    Bobby, my best bud, is home now. The infection got worse before it got better, but he is now out of the hospital and on the road to recovery. He says…

  • Update.

    The infection got worse; he had another surgery today, and now his oxygen levels keep going all over the place, so they have moved him to the ICU and…