Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Part the Fifth

Harry joins the Fellowship and calls the hobbits “dead weight.”

I sat in contemplation and dared not venture an answer, but I knew one thing for certain, I would be one of the messengers.

Snape: Naturally—after all, if you didn’t go, you couldn’t claim credit for something great and glorious and the focus wouldn’t be solely on you. We can’t have that, now, can we?

I had long ago vowed to Elrond to bring down Sauron using all of my means,

Mrs. Hyde: Before you say anything, Snape, Harry here really does have all the necessary means to completely destroy the Ring all by himself. The author gave him those abilities—just wait for him to say why he won’t before being derisive.

and destroying the One Ring was right now the only real attainable means of brining about the Dark Lord’s end.

Mervin: Is Sauron that sensitive to sodium in his diet?

I suppose I could have apparated into Mordor in this very moment and infiltrate the Dark Tower and fight Sauron,

Snape: I adore how casual he is about that statement.

Mrs. Hyde: Author, THINK. If he’s THAT CASUAL about bringing down SAURON, what makes you think your epic battle involving Mr. God and Voldemort very exciting?

but it would be fruitless, I would only be fighting him partially.

Sands: You should secure your cock more firmly to your crotch, then.

Just like I could not kill Voldemort all those countless years ago in my youth when he was still a shade of spirit,

Mervin: Or maybe it was because you weren’t a murderous little piece of shit when you were eleven.

and not alive, similarly, I could not kill Sauron, though it was certainly within my means to do so had he been a complete being.

Sands: So give him the Ring and kill him, if it’s so easy. God—I hate people who brag about their prowess and never follow through.

Suddenly, a voice spoke, breaking the silence, it belonged to Frodo.

“I will take the Ring,” said the young hobbit, “though I do not know the way.”

Mrs. Hyde: What a great and very dramatic way to show that Frodo is taking this task upon himself.

I turned to look at the hobbit and my heart was torn

Sands: —from your chest in an orgy of blood.

with compassion for the young Halfling. It flung

Mervin: —dung—

my mind back to remember how a fifteen year old boy was being told he was the only hope for the salvation of an entire world.

Mervin: Which he very quickly drops in favor of talking about his own angst, which is obviously that much greater than the dumb hobbit’s.

Snape: Potter, you never cease to amaze me. Just when I think that your arrogance has surely reached its peak, you manage to outdo even yourself.

“If I understand all that I have heard,” said Elrond staring piercingly at Frodo, “I think this task is appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will.

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): Whatever, man—I will!

This is the hour when the Shire-folk will arise to shake the towers and the counsels of the Great. But it is a heavy burden. So heavy that none could lay it on another. But you take it freely; I would say that your choice is right.”

Sands: Yep—it’s his task. So, Harry? Fuck off.

“But you won’t send him off alone surely, Master?” cried Sam, unable to contain himself any longer, and jumping up from the corner where he had been quietly sitting on the floor. My mouth twitched in amusement as the chubby hobbit

Mervin: Yes, let’s all call Sam, the hobbit that carried Frodo up Mount Doom and was willing to give his life for his friend, a stupid fatty just for your amusement, you mincing little PIGFUCKER.

Sands: Not bad, Mervin—not bad.

had clearly thought he was unchecked in his hiding place.

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): Remember—I know everything.

“No, indeed!” said Elrond, turning towards him with a smile. “You at least shall go with him. It is hardly possible to separate you from him, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not.” Sam sat down, blushing and muttering to Frodo.

Snape: I find this particular bit of plagiarism particularly vile, seeing as Potter is inserting himself into it and reducing it to movie!verse strictly to save time.

Gandalf stood and placed his hand on Frodo’s shoulder giving the young hobbit a crooked grin.

“I shall help you bear this burden Frodo,” said Gandalf,

Mrs. Hyde: Why did Gandalf just call Frodo a burden?

Mervin: I’m sure that to Harry he is.

“with all that is in my power.”

Snape: (Potter): And you’d better make mention that all that is in your power is less than my power.

Gandalf now took a place behind the hobbit.

Sands: *rubs his hands together, snickering*

I walked forward and knelt in front of Frodo,

Sands: And it just keeps getting better and better!

Mervin: Put a sock in it.

I looked into his eyes with an empathic glance.

Mervin: How come nobody else in the Fellowship goes through this routine? How come EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED SUE has to go through this whole routine where they list off their abilities, empathize with Frodo, and are just that much more sincere than everybody else? WHY???!!!!

Snape: Because they are all similar to Potter in that regard—they are arrogant, narcissistic, and utterly useless, and so go through great pains to establish themselves as better than everybody else present.

“A wizard is going with you, and some would think that one is enough,


but I long ago swore an oath to defeat Sauron.

Mrs. Hyde: Which is why you’ve spent the last 2500 years with your thumb up your butt.

If through my help, you can achieve this quest; my pledge to this world will be fulfilled.

Sands: There is no “Fellowship” in “Potter,” bitches!

I lend you my power, my strength, and what wisdom I have,” I said with sincerity.

Snape: Which is nil on all counts.

Mrs. Hyde: I love how he took the time to list all the wonderful things he was bringing to the Fellowship—just like every other Sue who falls into ME and joins the Fellowship. The bastard.

I stood and walked next to Gandalf.

Mervin: (Not!Harry): Beat that, bitch.

Aragorn came forward and kneeled before Frodo and said simply: “You have my sword.”

Legolas rose from his chair:

Sands: (Leggy): But it’s my fleshy sword!

“You have my bow!”

Gimli, Gloin’s son stood not missing a beat: “And my axe!”

Mervin: And here’s a nice little Rose Potter flashback for us—plagiarized movie!verse mixed with plagiarized book!verse. How cozy it makes us all feel. Ratbag.

Boromir, stood and walked slowly forward, glancing at the members of council:

Mrs. Hyde: (Boromir): *points at Harry* I’m not going if he is. It’s either him or me.

“You carry the fates of us all little one,” he said, “but if this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor shall see it done.”

Snape: (Potter): And you can only come if you do exactly as I say, you pathetic human. Never forget this—I am in charge.

“Hey! Don’t forget about us!” came a chorus of two voices and two more hobbits, that I had seen come with the Frodo and Sam, scurried out of their hiding place. “There is no way we will not be going,” stated one, who had curly pepper hair.

Mervin: He’s graying?

“Yes, Master Elrond will have to clap us in chains and put us in a bag to stop us,” said the other, who had blonde hair.

Mrs. Hyde:*claps hands over her ears* AUUUGHHHH! Movie and book verse mixed in one sentence?! I can’t take it!

“He might just do that,” I laughed, “but who knows what part you will play in this quest if you do come along.

Snape: (Potter): You obviously will play no major part—the role of the hero belongs to me.

I for one am of the opinion: the more the merrier.”

Sands: (Not!Harry): I’m a swinger, man!

“Good one, Master Harold,” said Bilbo,

Mervin: …how was that a “good one?”

Mrs. Hyde: Just like it is in every Sue-fic—it wasn’t.

“I’ll have to remember that for my book.”

“Yes,” said Elrond, “I happen to find a strange wisdom in that Harold,

Snape: I don’t.

and you two will indeed be going along on this quest. Ten companions...


you shall all be the Fellowship of the Ring.”

“Great,” said one of the hobbits with a smile, but it suddenly disappeared, “where are we going?”

Mervin: And back to movie-verse.

Mrs. Hyde: Life hates me.

Sands: I don’t. *waggles eyebrows*


So it was that scouts were sent forth from Rivendell, in an effort to attain the whereabouts of the Riders and all the servants of the Enemy. A safe path for the Fellowship to travel had still to be decided, and there was much musing I did in the next two months on the coming quest.

Mervin: Don’t hurt yourself, you witless wonder.

Of the perils and dangers we would face, both from the Enemy and from nature.

Mrs. Hyde: …yes? What about them?

The journey to Mordor would be long and arduous.

Sands: Like my cock.

For a while I considered taking the Ring and apparating directly into Mordor, surely it would make things easier.

Snape: Yes, you imbecile, it would. Hence the reason the two canons as they stand do not mix!

But with the One Ring now fully reawaken it would surely take me the instant I touched it.

Sands: Yes—since it’s that difficult to avoid touching the Ring, after all… *snorts*

Mervin: The author wrote himself into a hole by giving Harry all these super powers and still trying to include the Fellowship—and that was a very poor attempt to write himself out of it.

Mrs. Hyde: Harry? Uh, would it be that difficult to stick the Ring in an envelope, or perhaps a pouch of some kind? Or, if you want to avoid all those risks, Side-Along with Frodo!

Snape: I can tell this was written before Half-Blood Prince, so he would undoubtedly argue that he wasn’t aware of Side-Along. However, he has been making portkeys right and left in this story, all of them able to go wherever he damn well pleases.

Mrs. Hyde: Like I said—when Suethors start piling on all the super powers, they simply have to force out the canon elements to make room, and plot is invariably the first thing to go.

Sands: To sum up all of our opinions of that pathetic explanation as to why Mr. Super-Harry doesn’t just pop over to Mordor and take care of the pesky little Ring all by himself, author? You’re a stupid wanker! Cheers!

Not to mention the wisdom of Albus: “To choose what is easy and what is right, are very different things. The former is that path to darkness while the latter is the light.”

Mervin: Well, thank you for spelling that out for us, cha-cha—I didn’t know until now what that meant!

The thing that worried me greatly was my beloved’s reaction to me going on this quest.

Mrs. Hyde: Somebody’s sleeping on the couch.

It would surely be the most perilous one I had ever undertaken.

Mervin: Not really. Nothing bad will happen to you, and you know it.

Her response heartened me greatly and made me thankful that I had such a precious companion, in whom I had vested my love and my life.

Sands: She dropped her drawers.

“Long ago, you swore to do this Thuardacil,” she said

Snape: He’s fucking himself again. I’m starting to wonder if it is a mere comma error, or perhaps something more Freudian.

stepping forward to embrace me in the shadow

Mrs. Hyde: I hope he falls in it.

of a private grove in the nearby forest, her delicate hands traced the lines of my face and even my scar; it was the most intimate of gestures between us.

Sands: What? You’re telling me that her poking your scar is more intimate than you sticking your prick in her cooch?! That’s like saying a woman sticking her fingers in my eyesockets is the sexiest thing she could possibly do to me!

“I knew it when I agreed to marry you, and I accepted it then. You will go on this quest,

Mervin: —and undermine every single great thing all the canon characters do in an effort to make yourself look better about it.

with my love and blessing, it will give you the power you need to come

Sands: Ah—that explains it. *stubs out his cigarette and immediately pulls out a new one*

back to me. I will await you in the Grey Havens.”

Snape: Is she planning to leave Middle Earth? Under no circumstances is the weepy little baggage to darken my canon!

With that we kissed and expressed our love anew with no words needed between us.

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah, but do you have to have that layer of peanut butter between you?

We made love right there in the grove.

Sands: *yawns* That’s it? I was rather hoping for some leather, at least.

I was filled with a power that made the dark seem like a pathetic mockery of a shadow.

Sands: Best orgasm I ever had made me black out—so, in this case, he whites out? *thoughtfully* That’s a lot of jizz.

Snape: Do you need a handkerchief? You’re salivating.

At that moment, I knew we would be never be separated, not in death nor in life.


I also tackled another task during the two months before the scouts were scheduled to return. I took all four hobbits that would be going,


and gave them intensive weapons training, especially with a bow.

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): Taking it across their puny backs was quite satisfying.


Sands: Let’s “fix” him, how ‘bout? And then make him eat his bloody, mangled testicles—I can assure you, that’s always a very effective punishment, as I’ve done it to someone before.

Snape: You are far too merciful.

The sword was not a weapon in actuality that would be useful for a hobbit,

Snape: Oh, yes, for they are lowly, short little gnomes who will serve no purpose but to get in the way of the real hero of the Fellowship.

except for very close quarters fighting where they were to use it as a last ditch defensive measure.

Mervin: Yes, hobbits—you just sit back and stay out of the way of the big boys. If you all join the fray with your swords, you’ll just be underfoot and useless.

I had the elf smithy make bows and a quiver of arrows for each of them; they already had swords, given to them by Aragorn on their flight from Weathertop.

Mrs. Hyde: *in radio voice* Flight 207 from Samwise Airlines, now boarding…flight 421 from Frodo Flights is delayed twenty minutes because of Ring Wraiths…

As December was passing, and the scouts that had ventured to the springs of Hoarwell into the Ettenmoors returned, I had all four hobbits

Sands: —in bondage gear and covered with Thousand Island Dressing.

at least proficient with their bows and swords to a degree where they could defend themselves adequately.

Snape: Oh, what would they have done without you? Truly, you have just saved the Fellowship.

Sands: If my memory is correct, I believe they were perfectly fine on the journey without Drill Seargent Fucktard ordering them about—movie!verse and book!verse.

It had been no small feat to train them; they were stubborn to a fault and did not even want to learn at first.

All: *silent*

Mervin: Did…did you hear what he just said?

Sands: Ayup. I never thought I’d be able to see red again.

I had rather quickly changed their minds.

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): —to suit my way of thinking. The right way.

“If you want to go on this quest and help Frodo, you will do as I say!”

Mervin: They’d better just do that no matter the situation.

I glared at the Sam, Merry, and Pippin. “Otherwise, you will be dead weight and useless to the Fellowship.


Snape: Oh, how magnificent—you, the miserable little wastrel who spent an entire year angsting about how the rest of the world wasn’t paying him enough attention, the useless louse who whined because Dumbledore wouldn’t drop everything he was doing to cater to his childish whims, the brat who did nothing to try to block the Dark Lord from his thoughts, but rather reveled in the contact he made, because it made him feel important—you have the nerve to deride the hobbits who were willing to give their lives for their friend?! Oh, how I will enjoy watching you grovel at the Dark Lord’s feet.

Sands: Dammit. I’m hard again.

This is not some journey of leisure!

Mervin: Oh, yeah, that’s EXACTLY why they wanted to go with Frodo—they were JEALOUS, because HE was getting to go on a little jaunt through the land and didn’t want to be left out! YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

We will be traveling alone, unaided, with the Enemy all around us, hunting us.

Sands: Unaided?! What about Lothlorien?! What about the Ents?! What about Rohan?! Kiss my ass, you cocksucking, jizz-eating, turd-burglaring fuckmook!

Mrs. Hyde: Geez—Not!Harry sounds like William Shatner.

Sands: Emphasis on the “shat.” *gives the computer the bird*

You will pull your weight!

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): And my weight—I expect you to carry me about on a litter!

If it means carrying supplies, hunting for food, or guarding each others backs during a fight, so be it!

Snape: Implying you believe the cowardly little midgets will run at the slightest sign of danger? Don’t project upon those who are truly courageous, Potter.

And if I see you three not doing so, I’ll turn you into rabbits and let you be on your merry way, for all the good that you did!”

Sands; And I’m going to turn you into a fucking grease-spot, for all the good you’ve done this canon, fuckwad.

All three hobbits gulped audibly and said that they would rather learn further.

Snape: And Potter masturbated to the memory for weeks.

Mrs. Hyde: …just what was he teaching them?

Snape: The tricks he picked up from Malfoy, no doubt.

Sands: Let’s run away and get married, all three of us.

At last all the scouts returned and in no region had they discovered any signs or tidings of the Riders or other servants of the Enemy.

Snape: Nor any original writing, it seems.

Even from the Eagles of the Misty Mountains they had learned no news. Nothing had been seen or heard of Gollum;

Mrs. Hyde: He bugged out of here the minute he smelled you.

but the wild wolves were still gathering, and were hunting again far up the Great River. Three of the Riders black horses

Mervin: That sounds like some sort of Emo gawth band.

had been found at once drowned in the flooded Ford.

Sands: Ted Kennedy must have been driving.

Of the Black Riders no other trace was to be seen, and nowhere was there presence to be felt.

Mervin: Well, what about here presence?

It seemed they had vanished from the North.

Snape: Normally, I would feel somewhat awkward inserting commentary like that in plagiarized material—however, Potter butchered that passage to the point where I couldn’t recognize it, so I feel much better about lambasting it.

“Eight out of the Nine are accounted for at least,” said Gandalf. “It is rash to be too sure, yet I think we may hope that the Ringwraiths were scattered, and have been obliged as best they could to their master in Mordor, empty and shapeless.”

Mrs. Hyde: This sorry excuse for a character is pretty empty and shapeless—and what little there is to him is pure evil.

“If that is so,” I replied, “then it will be quite a while before they can begin to hunt again.

Snape: (Potter): However, if it had been me, that wouldn’t be a problem—in my glory and magnificence, I wouldn’t be stopped by a mere natural disaster.

But the Enemy has other servants, but they will have to journey all the way to the borders of Rivendell to pick up our trail. And if we are careful that will be hard to find. But we must delay no longer.”

Snape: And we finish off this travesty with one last, stolen, plagiarized line. If that isn’t adding insult to injury, I don’t know what is.

Mrs. Hyde: *hollowly* …that was awful.

Mervin: …yeah, it was.

Sands: Well, I had a good time. Especially when Snape and Hyde were going off, if you know what I mean.

Snape: Thank you; we all needed a reminder of your lack of restraint and stamina.

Sands: One day, Snape, I will have you on your knees, and you will eat your words—among other things.

Snape: Rest assured, Sands, nothing you could offer would impress me.

Sands: Only one way to find out, now, isn’t there? Come and get it, big boy.

Mrs. Hyde: I can’t take much more of these two.

Sands: Well, could you take me alone?

Mrs. Hyde: Mervin, get them out of here!

Mervin: Gladly. *whisks them back to their appropriate fandom, and turns back to Hyde, only to find her standing inches away, regarding her with a twitching eye*

Mrs. Hyde: *quietly* You made me spork that.

Mervin: *placatingly* Now, Hyde—

Mrs. Hyde: *kills Mervin before blowing herself away*

Back to Deleterius


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