Ah, Twilight. The story of an epic romance between the hot and sexy vampire Edward Cullen and the ordinary human Bella Swan. That’d be all well and good, except for one problem with the equation.
Edward Cullen is gay.
Wait! Don’t go! I wouldn’t throw out that statement unless I had proof. And proof I’ve got, y’all. Five pieces of evidence, to be exact—and it’s photographic! You can’t deny that. I present to you five men that Edward Cullen would much rather be making out with. Shall we?
While the first film didn’t provide a lot of evidence for the slash ship of Edward/Jacob, from the get-go the second one was pushing for them. You see that poster up there? Yeah, Edward and Jacob are all smoldering at one another and it’s quite clear who the third wheel is. Same with that confrontation at the end—Bella pretty much had nothing to do with it. Those two get together and the world just fades away. It gets even worse in Eclipse—any time a message has to be delivered to the Cullens from the wolf pack, Jacob eagerly volunteers, and always makes sure he delivers it to Edward.
I’ll be frank, folks. First, Aro held his hand and was all breathy and excited while doing so, and then he forced Edward to his knees in front of him. There’s also the fact that Aro is always looking for a chance to hold his hand. Think it’s too one-sided? Take in the fact that Edward knew the Volturi guard would crush him like the Rocky IV boxer and prostrate him before Aro and still tried to get uppity. You want my opinion, Edward there was asking that Aro spank him because he’s been a very bad boy.
Okay. Let me get this straight. Carlisle finds a young, lithe, pretty seventeen-year-old boy who just got orphaned by influenza and is about to be dead himself, spends lots and lots of time at his bedside just watching and talking with him, offers to turn him into a vampire because he is lonely and wants a lifetime companion, and Edward jumps at the opportunity—so Carlisle holds his hand, crawls into bed with him, strokes his hair, and starts licking his neck. All while Edward is all sweaty and orgasmic.
…yeah. *cough* Father and son indeed.
Edward flings himself at Felix, throwing Bella out of the way just to get to him, jumps on him, straddles him, gets manhandled and put into some S&M chokeholds, then gets BACK up, attacks the SAME person, coming back for more, almost as if he is eager to get Felix’s hands around his neck again. And then Felix grinds his groin against Edward’s butt. I really don’t need to say anything else about that one. The pictures speak for themselves. They clearly say, “TAKE ME, I’M YOURS!!!”
There simply is no way to deny this one. All of the evidence is RIGHT THERE. From the first moment they get in the same scene, their sexual tension goes off the charts. All they do during the part on the baseball field is make eyes at each other. When they meet again, Edward once again gets himself into that chokehold (Edward is not only gay, he’s exceedingly kinky), and James actually strokes his face with his thumb, all while telling him how strong he is. Then they do ballet together. Finally, to end their first and unfortunately last date, they decide to hump each other. Don’t try to tell me they aren’t—there is photographic evidence of humping. *points* And the scene ends with a blazing fire—anybody who has seen a movie knows that scenes fading to blazing fires represent hot monkey sex between two people.
There you go, folks. Five men that Edward Cullen wishes he knew how to quit. He’s not fooling anyone, you know—well, except Bella, apparently. And I really don’t know how—all but one of those situations were done right in front of Bella, and he eagerly told her all about the Carlisle incident. Edward isn’t the only one who knows about that river in Egypt, it seems.
All pictures found at Lion and Lamb Love.