Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Eclipse: Chapter 27-Acknowledgements

( Chapter 27 – Needs )

( Epilogue: Choice )


Sands: (Meyer): I’d like to thank me for being so brilliant.

Ket: (Meyer): And high-grade cocaine, without which…

I would be very remiss if I did not thank the many people who helped me survive the birthing of another novel:

Sands: Ah ha! She admits that this entire wet dream came straight out of her vagina! Like a yeast infection discharge, I imagine.

Ket: …goddammit. *sets rice aside*

Sands: Yogurt? It’s strawberry.

Ket: Shut up, Sands, or I’ll puke in your lap.

My parents have been my rock; I don’t know how anyone does this without a dad’s good

Sands: *opens his mouth*


Sands: *glower*

Ket: Uh…I’ll just keep my mouth shut too, then…

advice and a mom’s shoulder to cry on.

Sands: (Meyer): Mommeeeeeeeeeeee, people are saying mean things about me on the internet!

Ket: The more I hear about her, the more I realize that she’s a big damn child…

My husband and sons have been incredibly long-suffering—

Sands: I don’t blame them. She says she’s would rather have a date-raping bastard and a stalking psycho than any of them, and they’re fictional.

Ket: Personally, I would be jumping for joy that my psychotic wife was suddenly ignoring me. I’d use the time to grow a mustache, change my name, and flee to Canada.

anyone else would have had me committed to an asylum long ago. Thanks for keeping me around, guys.

Sands: (Meyer): Tee hee! I’m so crazy, people think I’m so crazy! See how crazy I am! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!

Ket: Unfortunately, wouldn’t do us much good. Marquis de Sade was committed, too, and he still got to write.

My Elizabeth—Elizabeth Eulberg, publicist extraordinaire—has made all the difference to my sanity both on and off the road. Few people are lucky enough to work so closely with their BFF,

Sands: Oh, good. Now she’s using chatspeak in an idiotic author’s note. So, let’s see, she’s called herself insane, is using chatspeak—you gonna tell us you want at least one-hundred reviews before the next chapter? Oh, wait—you already did pretty much that with your Midnight Sun flounce.

Ket: *deadpan* we r like, ttyl tyte. LOL.

and I am eternally grateful for the wholesomeness of cheese-loving Midwestern girls.

Sands: Yeah, wholesomeness is nice, isn’t it? I can understand why you’d be so fascinated, seeing as it’s a completely foreign concept to you.

Ket: She’s definitely snorting some high-grade cocaine. I’m a cheese-loving Midwestern girl, and I’m anything but wholesome.

Sands: Well, considering Meyer thinks pedophilia, rape, stalking, psychosis, sociopathy, murder, mayhem, obsession, and apathy are romantic, maybe pretty much anyone is more wholesome than she is.

Ket: …that’s starting to sound frighteningly like me, without the pedophilia. Moving on quickly…

Sands: Don’t feel bad—I didn’t say sexy or appealing or preferred characterization. I mean, you don’t think it’s breathtaking and True Romance and what everyone in the whole world should aspire to, right?

Ket: Oh, hell no.

Sands: Well, then there is the difference. You acknowledge it’s fucked up. Meyer doesn’t.

Ket: I acknowledge I’m fucked up, and Meyer doesn’t. …I feel better now.

Jodi Reamer continues to guide my career with genius and finesse. It is very comforting to know that I am in such good hands.

Sands: (Meyer): Seeing as I am completely incapable of doing anything with regards to that. Where my career goes is none of my business, after all!

Ket: (Meyer): Here’s some stuff with words. Make money with it.

It is also wonderful to have my manuscripts in the right hands. Thanks to Rebecca Davis for being so in tune with the story in my head and helping me find the best ways to express it.

Sands: Is that the editor? ‘Cause if that’s the editor, I’m hunting her down.

Ket: Beat her with a golf club while screaming “spell ‘whiny’, bitch!”

Thanks to Megan Tingley, first for your unwavering faith in my work, and second for polishing that work until it shines.

Sands: Yes, shines like blister straining hard against the thin film of skin just barely holding back an even shinier burst of pus and fluid and blood.

Ket: *slugs him*

Sands: *slaps her back* I’m speaking the truth!

Ket: You are vile.

Everyone at Little, Brown and Company Books for Young Readers has taken such amazing care of my creations.

Sands: Don’t you love the words she chooses to describe her wet dreams? “Creations”. *snorts* The Mona Lisa is a creation. This is you taking a dump on paper and calling it art.

Ket: It would be like sticking a paintbrush between your buttcheeks, jumping up and down over a canvas, and calling it a masterpiece.

I can tell it is a true labor of love for you all,

Sands: (Meyer): You love me! You really love me!

Ket: *groans*

and I appreciate it more than you know.

Sands: I’d be willing to believe that—if Bella = You, you’re the most ungrateful little bitch that ever walked. They probably don’t know.

Ket: Why couldn’t she have just done what the rest of us do with our shameful writing jerkoff fantasies: Put them in a secret notebook and never, ever show anyone…

Sands: Or what I do—find somebody and reinact ‘em.

Thank you Chris Murphy, Shawn Foster, Andrew Smith, Stephanie Voros, Gail Doobinin, Tina McIntyre, Ames O’Neill, and the many others who have made the Twilight series a success.

Sands: Who are these people?

Ket: After she got her money, she arranged for these people to act out the scenes for her amusement.

I can’t believe how lucky I was to discover Lori Joffs, who somehow manages to be both the fastest and the most meticulous reader at the same time.

Sands: *points and laughs hysterically* And yet THIS is the end result?!

Ket: I think you’re mistaking a speedread and a hurried “yeah, it’s great” for being encouragement.

Sands: When Suethors beta Suethors, Sues are the result.

I am thrilled to have a friend and accomplice who is so insightful, talented, and patient with my whining.

Sands: Oh, never mind—she obviously has super powers beyond anything we mere mortals can comprehend if she can put up with Meyer’s whining for more than a second or two.

Ket: I’m guessing imaginary friend, actually.

Lori Joffs again, along with Laura Cristiano, Michaela Child, and Ted Joffs, for creating and maintaining the brightest star in the Twilight online universe, the Twilight Lexicon.

Sands: Oh, great. Now she’s going to start listing all of her fansites.

I truly appreciate all the hard work you put into providing a happy place for my fans to hang out. Thanks also to my international friends at for a site so amazing it transcends the language barrier. Kudos as well to Brittany Gardener’s fabulous work on the Twilight and New Moon by Stephenie Meyer MySpace Group, a fan site so large that the idea of keeping track of it boggles my mind; Brittany, you amaze me. Katie and Audrey, Bella Penombra is a thing of beauty. Heather, the Nexus rocks. I can’t mention all the amazing sites and their creators here, but thank you very much to each of you.

Ket: Holy hell. She DID list of all of her fancrap!

Sands: (Meyer): Look at all the fansites I have! See how many people love me? And just so you know, I wrote those books. You know, ME—Stephenie Meyer? Yes, that’s me. And did I mention how many fans and fansites I have?

*tips back his drink* Yeah, these are acknowledgements, all right—just her sitting around and acknowledging how great she thinks she is.

Many thanks to my cold readers, Laura Cristiano, Michelle Vieira, Bridget Creviston, and Kimberlee Peterson, for their invaluable input and encouraging enthusiasm.

Sands: Are there any men in this system? It really doesn’t help your writing if you surround yourself with a bunch of idiotic, bouncing fanbrats—oh, wait, that’s how you planned it because you can’t stand criticism of any kind. I just gotta remember—fanfic Suethor.

Ket: Were any of her men manly in this crap? No.

Sands: Good point.

Every writer needs an independent bookstore for a friend; I’m so grateful for my hometown supporters at Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, Arizona, and especially to Faith Hochhalter, who has brilliant taste in literature.

Sands: *raises eyebrow* Hmm. I am suddenly reminded of her, “It’s not like I’m thinking about what I’m writing,” quote. It couldn’t be more evident here.

I am in your debt, rock gods of Muse, for yet another inspiring album. Thank you for continuing to create my favorite writing music. I am also grateful to all the other bands on my playlist who help me through the writer’s block, and to my new discoveries, Ok Go, Gomez, Placebo, Blue October, and Jack’s Mannequin.

Sands: You know, if it weren’t Meyer, being a fan of all of that would not be a problem. As it actually is Meyer, it does not seem like someone who just likes that sort of music. It reeks of somebody clinging desperately to all of current the “hip” and “in” bands in an attempt to reclaim her teen years. Not to mention that the bands she chooses are mostly whiny and emo bands. If she weren’t Mormon, I’d ask her how she likes her coffee.

Ket: Meyer RUINED Muse for me! I still like their music, but I can’t tell anyone that now without expecting her to pop out of the bushes!

Most of all, a gargantuan thank-you to all of my fans. I firmly believe that my fans are the most attractive, intelligent, exciting, and dedicated fans in the whole world.

Sands: *chokes on his food* Did—did she really just describe all her fans like that?!

Ket: *cracking up* (Meyer): My fans are sexy, sexy bitches!

Sands: They are smart and exciting strictly because they like her work? And the very first adjective she could bestow on them was—surprise surprise—ATTRACTIVE? Meaning anyone who isn’t is the opposite?

Ket: Ah, of course. I forgot, beauty is everything. You can kiss my ugly ass, Meyer.

Sands: And she can live forever knowing that I, as one of the beautiful people, can’t stand her and think she needs to have her books ground down into pulp, mixed with barium, and delivered back to her via an enema.

Ket: And then sealed in with a buttplug.

I wish I could give you each a big hug and a Porsche 911 Turbo.

Sands: Don’t touch me. And, contrary to what you seem to think now that you’re a nouveau-riche snob, there are plenty of people who can’t be BOUGHT. I do it regularly and even I know there are some who can’t.

Ket: *Scoffs* I don’t want your Porsche. They’re ugly cars that cost way too much money.

Sands: Studebakers are the way to go. That’s what I had. *blissfully* It was black and red, had a massive trunk, purred like a cougar. I miss that car.

Ket: …holy shit, we’re done.

Sands: And it’s about damned time.

Mervin: *arrives again, raged out* Hey, guys. Brilliant work, I gotta say.

Ket: I don’t know how you made it through all of this on your own, Merv.

Sands: *fanning himself* Oh, she didn’t. She had help. Isn’t that right, Merv?

Mervin: *whirls on him* Yes, Sands. That’s right. I desperately needed your help. *snarling* I needed the help of your biting wit, your sharp intelligence, your rakish good looks, and most especially the molten dark chocolate of the limpid depths of your gorgeous EYES!

Sands: *deadly silence*

Ket: *freezes, between the two of them* Uh—

Sands: *launches himself at Mervin, taking Ket with him and kicking and punching and biting anything he can get*

Ket: Ack—! *flails fists wildly at Sands* Get this crazy fucker off me!

Mervin: I would, but—OW! *shakes Sands’s teeth off of her arm and punches him in the nose* I’m a little occupied myself!

Ket: *manages to reach the Keyboard of Power and starts hitting buttons randomly*

*all three are blasted away from each other—and into each others’ clothes*

Mervin: ACK!!! *claws at Sands’s pants* DEAR GOD, YOU’RE SKINNY!!!


Ket: *pulling at shirt* You’re wearing MY clothes, you asshole. Merv, yours are too small—

Mervin: *grousing* Here, I’ll take care of it— *wincing as she Keyboard of Power’s everybody into their appropriate clothes*

Ket: Phew.

Sands: *points at Mervin* Fuck you. *points at Ket* And fuck you. Fuck you both.

Ket: Go French a light socket, you shiftless bastard.

Sands: *nastily* And you can go douche with a roman candle.

Ket: *getting ready to leap on him*


Ket: … *relaxes* …okay. Let’s try not to kill each other.

Sands: *still glowering* I want to go home. Anywhere you guys aren’t.

Mervin: And I most certainly agree. *sends him back to Mexico—sighs* Ket, sorry you had to put up with that bastard.

Ket: Ah, I’m used to him. He’ll hate me until the next time I see him, then he’ll grope me again. And I’ll punch him in the face.

Mervin: Still—doesn’t make it any easier or more tolerable. *lots of hugs and kisses* Thanks so much for bailing me out on those last two. I gotta sum up some final thoughts on this thing, but you’re free to go. Here’s some compensation. *gives her a gift basket of vodka, rum, and chocolate*

Ket: You’re such a doll. *after more hugs and kisses, takes the basket and heads home*

Final Thoughts

One of the biggest defenses from Twilovers and lolfans alike are that these books’ flaws should be somewhat excused because, hey, they’re just fun, or they are just fantasy. You know, I actually can get behind that logic, in a way. Take movies, for instance. If the people who made it don’t really care about accuracy and stupid messages and all that? I don’t care, either. You wanna throw logic out the window, I’ll even help you do it, because sometimes, I will concede that there is nothing wrong with leaning back and allowing a movie’s stupid to wash over you. I do it all the time with my bad movies.

Except Meyer does care, enough to constantly tell the world how great her novels are, enough to construct elaborate and ridiculous excuses as to why the so-called science in her novels works. Now I do care. But, even throwing out the fantasy angle?

This book was not fun.

Nothing about this book was fun. From the first chapter, it’s not fun. As a matter of fact, it is the opposite of fun. It is infuriating, stupid, outrageous, and sickening. This book proudly and seriously defends stalking, obsession, control, abuse, rape, and pedophilia. Does not just defend them, folks—either completely dismisses the accusations as completely untrue or glorifies them as perfectly proper and right, the ideal for all people in the world. Nothing about that is fun.

Of course, then we have the entire fiasco involving Jacob Black, who went from Plot Device to Jacob to Jerkoff over the course of the three books recapped thus far. How Meyer could take a relatively likeable character and turn him into such a complete dick within a few chapters is beyond me. My guess is she either got mad that people seemed to like Jacob more than Wardo, so she wasted no time in turning him into Jerkoff to make Wardo look better, or she honestly thinks he is better like that, as she was not originally wanting to bone him as well as Wardo. Seeing as Wardo is her ideal man, I truly think the latter is actually the more feasible situation here. I’m sure this is how Meyer imagined the Jerkoff/Bella relationship.

Yeah. We didn’t get that.

Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess named Bella…

Now, Meyer has a few arguments for my final thoughts—her Eclipse FAQ. So, I’m gonna respond to her responses. I think that’ll help gather my own opinions pretty well.

Q. Did Jacob imprint on Bella?

A. No. And this is how you can be sure: in New Moon, after the first time Jacob becomes his wolf phase, he is mean to Bella. He won’t tell her what is wrong. He says he can’t see her anymore. If he’d imprinted on Bella in that moment (and it happens the first time you see the person after you’ve phased), he would have answered all her questions. Pretty much, he would have given her anything in the world she wanted. (When he’s staring at her on the bottom of page 173 in Eclipse, he’s trying to make himself imprint on her. But that’s not something you can force.)

Did some people honestly believe he’d imprinted on her? Well, I can see why—the werewolves who imprint are routinely abusive, obsessive, and won’t take no for an answer. That pretty much describes Jerkoff (and Wardo) very well, I think. Perhaps Wardo’s the one who imprinted on her—after all, Bella often describes their love as similar and even “stronger” (i.e., worse) than imprinting.

Also, examine that last bit. He was trying to force himself to imprint on her. How, Jerkoff, would that have helped the situation? Would you have felt more justified in tearing her to pieces when she refused you, like Sam did to Emily? Were you attempting to imprint so you could legally say “If I can’t have her, no one can”?

Q. Who was in Bella’s house—the scent no one recognized?

A. It was Riley. He is not a totally wild newborn—he’s past his first year and better able to keep his perspective. If he’d been as strong as the younger newborns in the clearing, Seth might not have won that fight. Also, Victoria prepared him very carefully for the foray. He was (to phrase it delicately) quite well fed before he went to Forks.

How come Seth would have lost against a strong but uncoordinated newborn when everybody else didn’t? Nobody had any trouble with the newborns. They were easily and quickly eliminated. So, by that logic, Riley is actually more dangerous than a newborn. Logic flaw, my dear.

Q. What is the most pivotal plot development that happens in Eclipse?

A. In both Twilight and New Moon, Bella commits to becoming a vampire without once really examining what price she’ll pay. In Eclipse, Bella fully comprehends that price. And then she chooses to pay it. Every aspect of the novel revolves around this point, every back story, every relationship, every moment of action.

Yeah. Except, you know, it doesn’t. Bella still doesn’t care about the price, and showed no character growth in relation to it. She acknowledged that maybe it’s not everything she’s thinking it is, and then immediately dismisses it. That’s not acceptance and making a choice—she just doesn’t care.

Q. What are the characters’ biggest mistakes in Eclipse, their tragic flaws?

A. Bella’s is a lack of self-knowledge; she never would have pursued her friendship with Jacob if she had realized how much more than friendship it really was. You don’t give up your friends when you fall in love; however, you do give up your other romantic interests. If Bella had understood herself better, she could have saved everyone a lot of heartbreak. Sometimes that happens when you try to do the right thing.

What about how Bella actually did pretty much give up all her friends in favor of Wardo? How she’s pushing everything except Wardo completely out of her life?

And her continuing to chase after Jerkoff was not “lack of self-knowledge”. It was selfishness, something you refuse to acknowledge she actually is in spades. She knew how he felt about her, but instead of doing the right thing, as you claim she did, she continued to pursue him and lead him on and treat him the exact same way she did while she was with him in New Moon.

Edward’s big mistake is overreaction. It’s in his nature to be too extreme (see: New Moon). He’s a very all-or-nothing kind of person, and it makes him unreasonable. In the beginning of Eclipse, he’s too overprotective. When he sees the error of his ways, he goes too far in the other direction. He could have chosen a middle ground—maybe admitted to his jealousy and asked Bella to choose him, rather than watching her get in deeper with Jacob. Of course, he has other issues that make forcing this issue problematic. What if Jacob is better for her? What if Bella could have a more complete life with him? Should Edward really insist that Bella give everything up for vampire life? Or would it be better to let her make a fully informed choice? Can you see his dilemma? Part of Edward wants Bella to choose Jacob (and life).

That right there is pretty much the exact same argument I have heard out of so many different Twifans who defend his actions. The root of everything there is you saying he does it out of love for her. Well, you know what? Lots of people beat their spouses and children out of love, too. You gonna defend them, too?

Jacob doesn’t have a tragic flaw. He has one goal and one hope. His goal is to save Bella’s life. His hope is that he’ll win her heart in the process. He fails at both. But that doesn’t mean he regrets trying. If he could do it over again, he’d do the same thing. Jacob couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t give saving Bella his best effort—he knows it’s going to hurt when he loses, but he knows it would hurt worse if he didn’t try. Does he do everything right? Heck, no! But he’s sixteen and he’s making it up as he goes along. Those who are upset by some of his tactics should consider his youth and the fact that he is, after all, right. Bella is in love with him. (In the end, it’s truly healthier for her to be aware of this as she goes forward with unalterable decisions.)

Ah, so because he’s young and because he was totally right, I should forgive him for being a psycho, woman-hating rapist in the making. But he doesn’t have a flaw. *thumbs up* You go, Meyer, sending those fantastic messages.

Q. What’s the deal with Bella just falling in love with Jacob in the eleventh hour of Eclipse? Don’t you believe in true love anymore? What happened to blacken your soul, woman??

A. First of all, let me say that I do believe in true love. But I also deeply believe in the complexity, variety, and downright insanity of love. A lucky person loves hundreds of people in their lives, all in different ways, family love, friendship love, romantic love, all in so many shades and depths. I don’t think you lose your ability—or right—to have true love by loving more than one person. In part, this is true because you never love two people the same way. Another part is that, if you’re lucky, you learn to love better with practice. The bottom line is that you have to choose who you are going to commit to—that’s the foundation of true love, not a lack of other options.

*flatly* I have yet to see any kind of love in these books. Blaming everything that goes on in these books on “the insanity of love” is the worst excuse you’ve made up yet to handwave your leads’ behavior.

Next, Bella does not fall in love with Jacob in Eclipse. Bella falls in love with Jacob in New Moon. I think it’s easy to understand why this fact doesn’t occur to her. Bella has only fallen in love one time, and it was a very sudden, dramatic, sweep-you-off-your-feet, change-your-world, magical, passionate, all-consuming thing (see: Twilight). Can you blame her for not recognizing a much more subtle kind of falling-in-love?

Yeah, except she did not fall in love with Jacob! There was ABSOLUTELY NO HINT AT ALL she was in love with him, because she never stopped thinking about Wardo!!! Everything she did with Jerkoff went right back to Wardo!

And becoming obsessed with someone is not love. We’ve said it time and time again.

But you know what? The worst part is—in New Moon, before Meyer took a dump all over Jacob’s character? They totally did have way more chemistry, interaction, and common ground than she and Wardo ever did. I think, Meyer, that you were so obsessed with writing a sudden, dramatic, sweep-you-off-your-feet, change-your-world, magical, passionate, all-consuming thing, that you didn’t recognize the much more subtle kind of reality that you’d written in the background. Hence the wild deviations in characterization and plot once someone pointed it out to you. Oh, and that statement goes completely against your Imprinting/Renesfail crap. If she really did fall in love with Jacob, then why did that love just vanish once she’s splooted her spawn?

Does this love devaluate her love for Edward? Not for me. For me, it makes that perfect true love stronger. Bella has another option. She has a really good one. An option that’s easier in many ways, that takes nothing—like her family, present or future—away from her. She would have love, and friendship, and family—an enviable human future. But she chooses Edward over all of this. This makes it real for me.

Of course it doesn’t devaluate her love for Wardo—because there is absolutely no love to have here. She’s obsessed with Wardo and flattered that every little thing he does revolves around her without thinking of how dangerous that is (like any victim of a stalker), and she’s justifying all of Jerkoff’s assaults by convincing herself that she actually wanted it, something plenty of rape victims do to try and reassure themselves that what a person did to them was not wrong. You know, if your brother didn’t screen your mail and you looked around on the internet a little more, you might notice that your books are textbook examples of this sort of behavior.

Q. Can a werewolf imprint on a vampire? What happens if a vampire bites a werewolf? Will Renee and Charlie flip out about the engagement? Is Jacob gone forever? Will Bella have a superpower as a vampire?

A. I’m not going to comment on any speculations about future events. No matter what the answer is (ex: *snort* “No, that’s crazy!”), I’m still giving you something about the future. I don’t want to spoil anything about book four.

And anything not answered in BD? You never explain—in fact, it seems that you can’t explain it. Bad form.

Q. Are you going to post outtakes and extras for Eclipse?

A. Outtakes, no. Why? Because I don’t have anything good. I didn’t cut anything major or funny this time.

Extras, not for a while. I do have a couple of fairly large extras I want to do, but I can’t work on them until I’m done with book four. Eventually, I’m planning to write the story from Bree’s perspective—how she met Riley, how life was amongst the newborns, how she found and lost love in the middle of the chaos, how the Volturi were involved, etc. I’d also like to write the alternate ending that I once considered for Eclipse, back when I was under pressure to end the series at three books. I’m looking forward to writing these both up, but don’t hold your breath; it’s going to be a while.

Indicating that the other times, you actually did have something good?

*throws up her hands* You cannot write ANYTHING without involving some sick and twisted version of love, can you?! There you go, confirmation as to why Bree’s dead now, folks—we jokingly commented about that in chapter twenty-five, “Mirror”, but we find out she really DID kill her after she wound up single! And I would hate to read anything involving Bree’s POV with you, because she’ll do nothing but praise the Cullens and talk about how evil the Catholics are, even though it’s more than clear that they are ten times worse than the Catholics.

This book was very bad. The writing has not improved, and I actually find it worse in that this book has the most plot and action out of all of them, because you all saw how very LITTLE it had in it. The thematic elements were downright disturbing, and the characters were all over the place and completely inconsistent and Meyer tried to pass it off as character growth, which pissed me off.

Conclusion? New Moon just enraged me. Eclipse is the one that broke me.


*stomps out and slams the door on her way*

A Few Final Tallies

Chapters: 29
Page Count: 629
Word Count: 149,788

Ugh Count: 20
Chagrin Count: 4
Perfect/Perfection Count: 34
Russet Count: 6
Beautiful Count: 31
Marble/Stone Count: 17
Cold/Cool/Icy Count: 65

Paul Count: 61
Nuke Count: 2
Mister Darcy Count: 34

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!
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