Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Eclipse: Chapter 26

*crawls up to the lappy*

Thirty-six pages.

I can do thirty-six pages. I can handle it. Two chapters to recap left, and then the rest is sporked. I can totally handle this.

PJ, Buzz, Marten? Your huge, flabby, fuzzy tummies might be required. Y’all had better be ready for duty. Okay? Okay.

*cries*



Chapter 26 – Ethics

Don’t you even think about giving me a lecture on ethics. Nobody in this story has any.

Well, naturally, we open the chapter with whining. And lots of it. Bella’s with Alice in the bathroom, and the counter is “covered with a thousand different products, all claiming to beautify a person’s surface”. Bella informs the audience that all of them are intended for her, “since everyone in this house was both perfect and impermeable”. Impermeable? Bella also says that she is “struck by the waste”, but is once again too numb to think much of it.

Bella…you just now noticed that the Cullens piss away money simply because they can? Not to mention that she is pulling the numb card again to handwave it.

Alice is brushing Bella’s hair for no reason, but Bella “tonelessly” tells Alice to knock it off, because she wants to go to La Push and maybe emotionally torture Jerkoff a little (why are the Catholics evil for being toneless, but it’s perfectly fine for the protagonists to do it and it makes them caring?). For once, I’m in support of this, given his behavior. Bella then starts whining about Charlie along with professing how selfless she is and how much she cares for Jerkoff because, you see, she loves him too now. I already pointed out why she doesn’t. Alice tells her to stop that, because Jerkoff’s passed out at the moment and she needs to see Charlie anyway, to make sure they keep him nicely in the dark. Bella pretty much says she doesn’t give a damn about Charlie. Thanks for coming out and actually saying it for once, rather than trying to tell us all about how you care for him. Alice chides her, not about the fact that she doesn’t give two shits about her father, but rather telling her that she’s got to keep up the front: “Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do what you want. Part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible.

Yes, the flashy cars, the expensive clothes, the elaborate houses, the glamorous parties, the stellar performances in school, the random feats of strength in the cafeteria, just blurting out your story to anyone you think may suspect you’re a vampire—oh, do continue, Alice. I believe you were saying something funny.

Bella then throws out this random sentence: “Carlisle would never have been able to talk me into leaving Jacob’s side, unconscious or not.” Please. Maybe not Carlisle, but the minute Wardo ordered you to, you would be out of there like a shot.

In lieu of Wardo not being there, Alice is still bossing Bella around to make her feel comfortable, ordering her about as often as possible. She talks about how great her new clothes are, and Bella says thank you “out of courtesy rather than real gratitude”. Are we surprised? No. We are not. Alice then starts blathering on that she bought all the clothes simply to keep up the façade that they were on a shopping trip that weekend, and I’m still supposed to think she’s perky. Oh, that Alice. Needlessly wasting thousands of dollars on a bunch of high-dollar clothes Bella will never wear. Bella is too busy being selfless to even “remember what [she was dressed in]”. Or apparently to glance down at herself and see.

Alice tells Bella that Jerkoff’s fine and conked out due to tons and tons of morphine. See, Carlisle has him strung out on the stuff, pumping him full of huge doses because his temperature runs so high—apparently, his high temperature causes him to burn it off super-fast.

Excuse me. Meyer? You ever encountered an overdose involving an IV painkiller? I have. I was in the recovery room and the nurse gave me too much. My heart rate slowed to about forty, and I literally had to remind myself to breathe because my body simply wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I don’t remember the entire incident, but I do remember that machine waking me up out of a doze several times with a very loud and shrill BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! and the nurse snapping her fingers in my face and telling me that I had just better breathe and stay awake and to stop flailing the arm that had the IV in it or she’d give me the antidote and who cares how much pain I’m in (I breathed after she threatened that).

That was a minor case. That wasn’t a very strong pain killer, as it was just a minor surgery. Morphine is one of those pain killers in the BAMF category, in case you didn’t know. I know you probably just picked it because HEY, MORPHINE, THAT’S ALWAYS IN THE MOVIES AND EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT. Except you clearly have no idea how it works. As is the case with almost everything you write about. It doesn’t matter how fast his body burns it off—if you dump a huge dose of it in his system, it’s going to have extremely adverse side-effects. Doctors inject painkillers as they are needed, you idiot, always keeping to the recommended dosage. And I’m supposed to believe Carlisle is a doctor with 300 years of experience?

Not to mention that research has shown that there is a high risk of morphine raising your body temperature, depending on how you react to the drug in general. Typically, they do not administer morphine to people who have fevers for just that reason.

On the bright side, if I were to give this book a reality enema right about now, Jerkoff would be dead. Let’s just think about that.

Alice still wants to talk—she’s wording it so that she sounds like she’s trying to help Bella, but in reality, she’s being a gossip. And Bella has the nerve to be down on Jessica for that. So, while we’ve spend the entire first few pages talking about oh, how worried she is for Jerkoff, how much she cares for Jerkoff, she’s so selfless, oh, whatever shall she do—

…her first question is about herself. Not just herself, but to whine about how she is going to be like Bree when she’s turned. So, her immediate reaction to being asked if she wants to talk about anything is to whine about what she’s been begging for for three whole books thus far. *facepalm*

Alice tells her it might be like that, but Bella’s so Unique and Special it might not be, as she’s willingly entering into this. And then for no reason we’re back to Carlisle and Wardo, and Alice says that “Sam’s beginning to trust [them]”. Pay no attention to their own complete distaste and mistrust of the werewolves that we have seen displayed countless times. Alice, ever sensitive to Bella’s delicate constitution, then starts talking about how they had to rebreak some of Jerkoff’s fractures because Jerkoff’s bones started healing too fast and set wrong. Bella whines, and then starts asking some more questions. Turns out she wants to know why certain powers work on her and others don’t.


Alice, however, found the question very interesting. "Jasper, too, Bella—his talent works on your body just as well as it does on anyone else's. That's the difference, do you see it? Jasper's abilities affect the body physically. He really does calm your system down, or excite it. It's not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and thoughts behind the decisions that create them. It's outside the mind, not an illusion, either; reality, or at least one version of it. But Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri—they work inside the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesn't really hurt your body, you only think you feel it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. It's no wonder that Aro was so curious about your future abilities."

I’d first like to state that this whole huge block paragraph is basically just Meyer pausing the story and answering a fan question. Bella had no reason to ask why some powers work and some don’t—it was completely out of left field. It feels like this explanation should be followed by “The More You Know!” music.

So, now that you’ve got the actual text, let’s see the author herself answering that same question in the New Moon FAQ.


Q. How come Alice and Jasper can affect Bella with their supernatural powers, but Edward and Aro and Jane can’t?

A. This question comes up at every single signing! The answer is explained in Eclipse, but I’m going to tell you all anyway, just so there’s less confusion.

Bella has a very private mind. She can’t be touched there. What Edward and Aro do is clearly a mental thing; Jane, also, works inside the head (Jane doesn’t actually inflict pain on anyone’s body, she just puts the illusion of pain inside her victim’s head. It’s a very effective form of torture). Conversely, what Jasper does is no illusion. He affects the physical body, slowing the pulse and upping the endorphin levels to calm someone, for example, or raising the pulse and pumping out the adrenalin to excite them. Alice, also, works outside the mind in the realm of possible realities. She doesn’t see the thought process behind the decisions, just the outcomes.

If the question comes up all the time, Meyer, that should tell you something about how unreasonable and dubious it is as a plot device.

So, first off—as that’s the only explanation we ever get as to why Bella is immune to people reading her mind, I can safely say that is total crap. Meyer basically just said that nobody else in the whole world is as private as she is. Which we also know is crap, because she is very fond of wailing to anybody who will listen what her current woe is in the hopes that they will feel sorry for her. She’s doing it right now.

Second, Jasper’s ability has clearly been emotional this entire time, but fine, she’s trying to use science to explain it again. Okay, so now Jasper’s ability is physical. Except your talking about pulse rates and endorphins and adrenalin—something your vampires don’t have. So how does his ability work on vampires? How was he so effective during the Mexican vampire wars if his power would clearly have no effect whatsoever on them?

Third, Jane causes the illusion of pain. Okay, fine. Except, how does that work? Just how far does Bella’s privacy shield work in her brain? Being private, meaning not wanting anybody to know what you’re thinking and keeping it all on the inside, has little to do with somebody making you feel pain. It would make more sense if she causes the pain receptors in the body to go insane, which would clearly be physical (yes, I am all for torturing Bella).

Fourth, you completely contradicted Alice’s power. She only sees outcomes, yes—except they are completely decision-based, so it does involve the thought process.

Fifth—Marten, what do you think of all this?


Thank you.

In summation, that was a stupid interlude, Meyer, and you just dug an even deeper hole. You should’ve just let it lie and answered, “Because.”

Bella tells us that she tries to pretend that she understood it because she stopped listening the instant Alice started talking. Things go for the slashy when Alice starts stroking her cheek and imitating Wardo to a frightening degree, murmuring how Jerkoff’s gonna be fine and petting her. But Bella has one more question! Is she definitely going to be a vampire? Well, of course, says Alice, she can see it perfectly well. Even though we spent this entire book (ostensibly) demonstrating that her power is not foolproof. Who cares about that, eh? That was, like, several chapters ago, and in true Airhead fashion, bad things happen and are quickly forgotten.

Alice then tells Bella that if she was going to pick Jerkoff, she would’ve noticed her future vanish. Bella whines that “that isn’t going to happen” like she’s all sorry her future is definite with Wardo and I honestly have NO CLUE how any of this works at all. She wants to be with Wardo forever, developed The Goddamned Hole™ when he left for a few months, is always begging to be turned into a vampire, has spent three entire books professing her love for Wardo and all things vampire…but is whining because of it? And is whining because she won’t change her mind…? I just—WHAT?

But things get even better when Alice continues to go all femslashy and says this:


She put her arms around me. "I'm sorry. I can't really empathize. My first memory is of seeing Jasper's face in my future; I always knew that he was where my life was headed. But I can sympathize. I'm so sorry you have to choose between two good things."

Everything about that is just completely WTF.

  • The first synonym for “empathize” is “sympathize”. The first synonym for “sympathize” is “empathize”. They…they kind of mean the same thing, Meyer.

  • She woke up and immediately saw Jasper. How? She hadn’t made any decisions to go a certain direction, and surely her first thoughts as a newborn and supposedly with no memories of anything before would have been “NOM NOM NOM”.

  • Two good things, huh? Alice, you’ve done little but hate on Jerkoff for two books. How come he is suddenly on par with Wardo?

  • Hmm, the choice of the abusive stalker and the abusive rapist. Yeah, that’s a pretty awful decision.

Bella tells her to keep her sympathy and tries to put on the dramatic selfless act again, and we don’t buy it. She says “there wasn’t any choice to make” and that “there was just breaking a good heart to attend to now”. Indicating she has no choice with regards to this? And yet Meyer is constantly telling me all about how free will is a huge theme in her books. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Yes, free will is a theme—the removal of it, that is.

And suddenly she’s home and bitching about Charlie. Gad.

So, Charlie’s suspicious for no reason I can fathom, and Bella says things “dully”. That sounds about right. He asks if she’s heard about Jerkoff, she says yes, but, as a good wimmins, she will make Charlie dinner before going out to see him. Charlie mentions that Jerkoff was awake when he saw him last. Which was…wait, when is this? I have no idea when we are or when these events are taking place in relation to each other. I am serious.

But we’ll just trip along in Meyer’s universe where time is warped. He talks about how he was using bad words, and Meyer makes a huge deal out of it. We also hear their excuse to why Jerkoff is mangled—they are saying he got into a motorcycle accident, and apparently, Charlie saw them bringing him in.

Uh-huh. Except their wounds heal super-fast—particularly lacerations. Even if Jerkoff had some, there would’ve been no evidence of any injuries on him. Charlie would’ve known something was up. Not to mention that they brought him home with severe injuries rather than take him to a hospital.

We also get the first in a three-part series of total Meyer fail. So, Jerkoff’s body was completely crushed. He’s in agonizing pain, as two guys are carrying him in, meaning…one of them is leaning on his right side. Beautiful. Plus, his bones are healing together at wrong angles, meaning they are grinding against each other, which is extraordinarily painful.

And yet can still throw out perfectly lucid comments to Charlie, such as, “Bet you’re glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?

Meyer also tries to continue to be funny by “editing” what Jerkoff said, mentioning that he was “insulting somebody’s mother and taking the Lord’s name in vain”. Except it really isn’t all that funny, because she won’t leave it alone. Yes, Meyer, we know you think dirty words and saying “God” and “goddammit” are terrible. They are your forbidden fruit, as you are making it quite clear. Now let’s move on.

Charlie says that Jerkoff was right about that, saying that Wardo is “more mature” when it comes to Bella’s safety. Charlie, that’s what you think. You haven’t seen the lengths he goes to keeping her what he deems as “safe”. He also says he doesn’t want to hear about her riding on deathcycles again, to which she replies, “No problem there, Dad. You won’t.” Yes. We know. Because you shall lie to him.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I’m skipping. Because this next part is stupid. STUPID. STUPID, I TELL YOU. IT WAS SO STUPID IT BURNED. IT’S THE DA VINCI OF STUPID. IT IS SO STUPID IT WHIPPED AROUND TO STUPID AND THEN PLUNGES INTO EVEN MORE STUPID. STUPID TIMES THREE.

I shall sum it up in a long sentence. Billy was nervous, heard the call of the wild, Charlie heard howling in the backyard, howling stopped the instant Jerkoff came back home, nobody suspected a thing, Charlie talks about how it’s great the Blacks are getting over their ridiculous prejudice against the Cullens who harbor no such ill will towards anybody ever because they are awesome, even Wardo, who was clearly faking concern the entire time.

MOVING. ON.

Charlie reassures Bella again that Jerkoff will be fine, mentions how big the Quileutes are, aren’t they all just such big boys, isn’t that odd, DEAR GOD, STOP IT!!!!!!

PJ! BE CUTE.


Aaaahhhhh…much better.

Bella starts blathering on about how breakable Jerkoff looked when she was angsting over him while he slept previously (I don’t know when that happened, either). She wangsts that she thinks that because she “was going to have to break him”. Ivan Drago, you are not.

I have a question, though. How are you going to break him? He’s known for quite some time that you don’t want him, you want Wardo. You’ve been making it clear for a while. How come this is breaking him, but ditching him back in New Moon in less than a second isn’t?

I would also like to point this out—until chapter twenty-three, we had to hear all about how she considered Jerkoff kissing her that first time an assault (which it was). She talks about how she didn’t want it, didn’t even consider it a kiss, was mad at him for it, etc. Except we have seen her talk about how she was lying to herself, and is now all miserable because oh noez, she has to go hurt poor widdle Jerkoff’s feelings. Maybe Meyer didn’t intend it this way, but this is how it reads—Bella truly believes that she did want it that first time, too, just like Jerkoff said, and did want it the other time, and was just in denial. She is saying that Jerkoff, her pseudo-rapist, was right the whole time.



And then more wangsting, her wanting to be hurt in some fashion. She mentions that “for the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose.” WHY??!!! WARDO IS YOUR EVERYTHING, YOU SAID SO YOURSELF!!!!

Not to mention that her saying it’s a sacrifice only because she won’t get to have a harem is disgusting.

Bella slaps Charlie’s dinner on the table and immediately tries to run out (how amusing. “Oh, choosing Wardo over Jerkoff is such a sacrifice—makes me think twice about being a vampire. Bye, Charlie! Won’t miss you!”). However, he stops her, and she immediately thinks she just forgot something on his plate because now Charlie has gone beyond not being able to cook for himself—now he can’t even fill his own plate without Bella there to help him. However, he says that it’s not that—he feels like she’s going to vanish from him soon. So Bella starts lying to him, naturally, telling him how that’s not going to happen all while telling us that she feels guilty (keep in mind for about two seconds later). He asks her to promise to just tell him before she runs off with Wardo, and she whines about it—which is stupid, because she plans on doing just that, and pretty much already runs off with him a LOT. She continues to lie, telling him that he’s stupid, and that she promises (lie, lie, lie), they exchange bland pleasantries, and she leaves. And, after bitching about how Charlie inconvenienced her with his stupid caring about her and not wanting his daughter to up and vanish and why can’t he just let her go be a vampire already, he is immediately forgotten and we never hear about it again.

*sigh*

Suddenly, we’re at La Push. GODDAMMIT, MEYER! MARTEN! DO SOMETHING ADORABLE.


Bella whines about how Wardo isn’t there, because she actually wants him to be there so she can lean on him for support while she tells Jerkoff she’s choosing the popsicle. Just—why? I know I am continually asking this, but WHY? He KNOWS. Then she talks about how she can’t live without Wardo, but then talks about how painful it’s going to be to tell Jerkoff that she loves him less.

I am TIRED.

Billy welcomes her in, tells her Jerkoff’s been waiting for her, she flinches for about the millionth time, and la, there he is, all dead-eyed. Bella talks about how she loves him, and “wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all the time”. What? Okay, my mind went into a dirty place.

Bella is glad he’s covered up because eeewwww, she doesn’t want to see his injuries. She greets him, and his immediate reaction is to say this:


"Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that." He sighed. "Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this." He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door.

I will spare a brief second to say how on earth was fighting one inexperienced vampire the best fight?

And now, I shall Paul.



OH, I SEE, JERKOFF. LEAH’S STUPID FOR EVEN THINKING SHE CAN BE AS TOUGH AND AS MUCH OF A FIGHTER AS THE BIG STRONG MEN. SHE HAS TO RELY ON YOU TO SAVE HER. I MEAN, COME ON—A FEMALE BEING TOUGH? BEING ABLE TO HOLD HER OWN? AS IF. I MEAN, IT WASN’T AS IF SHE WAS ALREADY DOING PLENTY OF FIGHTING AND EASILY GOT IN THE FIRST KILL. IT WASN’T AS IF THE VAMPIRE NEVER EVEN SAW HER COMING. IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S THE FASTEST MEMBER OF THE PACK AND PROBABLY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THE WAY. NO, SHE HAD TO HAVE YOU JUMP IN FRONT OF HER SO YOU COULD DO YOUR GLORIOUS AND DRAMATIC SACRIFICE.

FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU, JERKOFF, FUCK YOU, BELLA, AND FUCK YOU, MEYER!!!!!



*sits back down*

I believe I am experiencing an interesting phenomenon. Hyde went through the same thing, you know. When she wrote “The Darkest Hour”, she was in the middle of recapping Midnight Sun. She put the latter on hold to write and develop the former. Once TDH was done, she went back to MS. And she found it infuriated her ten times worse, because she had been working with Edward, and had to go back to looking at canon Wardo. I’m experiencing that myself now. I’m writing “Secrets”. I’m not only having to go through the books and find every single instance where the pack or the Cullens or pretty much everybody treats Leah like crap (and there are a lot, folks), but I am also kind of making her my own and giving her some reasons for what she’s doing, and writing out everything she’s going through. As such, seeing people treat her like this? Is making me want to curb stomp every single one of them.

And get used to this, folks. Pretty much every other sentence from here on out is completely and utterly infuriating.

Bella asks how he feels, and he says: “A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn’t sure how much pain medication I need, so he’s going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.” Oh, that’s even better. “We don’t know how much his system needs, so we’ll just GUESS!” Not to mention that you do not feel “a little stoned” when you’re on morphine, and I’m not talking about a little too much, either, I’m talking about normal dosage. Meyer, if you don’t know how these drugs work and how they make you feel once you are on them, LOOK THEM THE FUCK UP.

Yes, I am angry at her. And I’m going to get angrier. WHAT OF IT, BITCHES? *snarls at everybody in general*

Bella confirms he’s not in any pain, because that is all she cares about because she is shallow. Jerkoff is enjoying toying with her feelings, and is all dramatic about how it’s only the physical wounds that are not in pain, and you know what? You can just go get diddled with a lava lamp on high. How could your feelings possibly be hurt in this instance? How could you possibly be in any emotional pain when you fucking G-rated raped her all while tearing her emotions to shreds and making her think she’s in love with you? (get used to the word “fuck” too)

Bella whines some more, just to make us feel better. Jerkoff then asks if she is okay, and Bella is just stunned, because why on earth would he be worried about how she’s feeling. It’s an attempt to be selfless, you know—because, obviously, his pain is so much more than hers.

BUZZ BELLY.


Bald truly is beautiful.

By the way—Meyer, what is she attempting to do here? I have no idea. She keeps saying what she has to get through, but—what is it?

Jerkoff starts babbling about how he hopes that Wardo wasn’t mean to her, and talking like of course it happened, but dear God, man—why on earth would Wardo bitch at his girlfriend when you’re the one who assaulted her? Bella corrects him and says that Wardo wasn’t mean at all, except, you know, he was, but of course Jerkoff believes her and he’s completely horrified at the notion and Bella calls Wardo “unselfish”. Oh yeah, we can tell—just look at Midnight Sun. She also says that he wasn’t mad at either of them.

*pinches bridge of nose* Meyer, I hate you. Wardo has threatened death and destruction upon all who even look at Bella wrong. Jerkoff actually assaults her, but he doesn’t get mad in the slightest. Do you see what is wrong with this picture? I don’t wanna read about your sick rape fantasies, bint, no matter how G-rated they are.

Jerkoff then goes into fits, and yes, he mostly assaulted her in the hopes that Wardo would “give [her] an ultimatum”. What the hell? You really think she’d choose you even if he did? I mean, what the hell? She has never chosen you over Wardo! What makes you think she would now, especially after you assault her TWICE?!

Bella whines about it—not because it’s vile manipulation, but because oh, it means he’s still hoping for her and he’s going to hurt because she won’t choose him. WAKE UP, YOU BITCH!!!!

They have this dialogue:


"He's not playing any game, Jake," I said quietly.

"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am—I haven't been around long enough to learn all his tricks."

"He isn't manipulating me!"

"Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not a perfect as you think he is?"

And it made me angry, because Jerkoff is trying to get back into my good favor as a Hairy Stu and it is not working. Sure, he’s manipulating her and she’s in denial about it. Except you are sitting here talking about it like it is a good thing. What is WRONG with you, Meyer, that you think these two guys who do nothing but twist your SI and thus YOU into knots and constantly harm her with no thought to how she might be feeling about it—you think that they are the best thing ever?! WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT THESE DICKHEADS ARE THE BEST THING EVER???!!!



…I am so not going to survive this.

Bella brings up the fact that Jerkoff threatened suicide if she didn’t make out with him, but then she “flushed with chagrin”. OH, THANKS A LOT, THIS WASN’T ALREADY BAD ENOUGH, BUT YOU HAD TO THROW IN A BADLY-USED “CHAGRIN”. Bella says that she didn’t want to talk about that because she “didn’t come here to blame [Jerkoff] for anything”.

*SMASHES HER HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL*

DAMMIT!! DAMMIT!!! DAMMIT!!!

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

SHITFIRESONOFABITCH!!!!!!!!!

*THROWS SANDS INTO THE ROOM* FINE!!!! FINE!!!! YOU WIN!!! I COULDN’T FINISH IT ON MY OWN!!!! DO THE REST OF THIS GODDAMNED BOOK, YOU FUCKING JACKHOLE!!!!!!

*WHIRLS OFF TO TOKYO, SCREAMING AND ALREADY TURNING INTO MERVIN THE DESTROYER, BORDERLINE MERVIN THE TERRIBLE*

Sands: *staggering to his feet and feeling his way to his chair and table* I don’t even care that she threw me into a wall and nearly broke my glasses. *feels the back of his shirt as he sits down* Hmm. It appears she tore it when she threw me in. Guess I’ll just have to…take it off. *removes and stretches luxuriously* Hello, ladies. *smug* And I knew she couldn’t do it. I knew it. She’s just mad that she lost the bet—oh, she was all boasting that she’d finish it without my help, oh, I don’t need you, Sands, I can do this all on my own, you just stay out. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I cannot wait to collect. *rubs his hands together*

Hmm… *plays back all the previous* Right. Bella just said that she didn’t come to blame him for manipulating and torturing and pseudo-raping her. Off we go!

Jerkoff points out that he really did do that, Bella declares she’s not mad, and Jerkoff is smug, saying he’s not sorry, glad he did it, and knew she wouldn’t hold him in contempt for it and that he would repeatedly do that to her if he had the chance. Some of the most inane dialogue starts up afterwards, talking about whether or not it’s better he knows she now wants to boink him as well as Ed, as opposed to before, and honestly, I do not care. I mean, I really don’t.

Hmm-hmm-hmm, Jerkoff says it’s better if she knows she’s in love with him, too. ‘Cause he likes her to be in as much pain as possible. That, and the author likes giving her SI lots of things to whine about. I’m for the former, though I’d appreciate some physical pain to go with that. He says yes, saying that he “did everything [he] could”. To all guys out there? If you think a girl you like is making a wrong decision about a guy—particularly if you want her to get with you instead—rape her. Meyer clearly has great ideas.

Bella then leans down and applies her forehead to his face. Well, that’s weird. She starts apologizing for whatever, and he says it’s not her fault. Of course—because nothing is her fault, and all of the characters must tell her so. But Bella can’t be properly selfless if she just accepts it, so she starts talking about how everything is her fault. Does Meyer really think that battered woman syndrome is romantic, or something? Anyway, she then demands that Jerkoff bitch her out, so he does:


He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.

"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable." He spit the words at me. "If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it."

I winced and nodded. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't," I whispered.

"You should have told me to go die. That's what you want."

"No, Jacob," I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. "No! Never."

*raised eyebrow*

I’m not a chick and I have no conscience, so I can’t muster up the outrage I’m sure millions of women are feeling right now. So I’ll let you feel that and scream about it on your own and move on.

Jerkoff immediately stops when she starts sobbing, saying that he only did it because she asked him to and that he didn’t mean it. This guy is the most unbelievable excuse for a human being—maybe that is his excuse. He’s not human—he’s a Canis doucheus. Bella tells him it doesn’t matter because everything he said up there is true, and Jerkoff tells her everything is just gonna be fine. She whines about that. Jerkoff states that he’ll “be good” and that they can just be friends, and Bella whines about that, too: “How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?” Are they having an affair? Could be—they’re in bed together.

And then Jerkoff starts quoting the Bible. Not making this up. He pompously starts comparing this situation to the story of King Solomon when he threatened to cut the baby in half, saying that he totally loves her more because he’s willing to let her go. And, you know, if he wasn’t a date-rapist bastard who dearly needs to be castrated? He’d have a point. Ed here has never loved Bella enough to let go, even if he claimed he would in chapter twenty-two.

Jerkoff then starts babbling about how he’s “exactly right” for Bella, which is the worst part of it all—he and Bella are way more perfect together than she and Ed, and I must say, despite the fact that he’s right, he sounds incredibly arrogant. But Bella’s not gonna stand for that—anything he can do, she can do better.


I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul mate in that world—would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world.

Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was. Two futures, two soul mates… too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldn't be the only one to pay for it. Jacob's pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadn't lost Edward once. If I didn't know what it was like to live without him. I wasn't sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldn't imagine how I would feel without it.

Yes, folks. Bella Swan has just declared any other love that ever existed is completely beneath what she has with Ed. That they are BETTER than those stupid “soul mates”, even.

Brava.

And then he calls Ed a narcotic and that he’s the sun and while he’s more natural than Ed, he “can’t fight with an eclipse”.

We have a title! And in the stupidest way possible. Bonnie Tyler would have been better than this shit.

Well, he had his turn about “what’s the worst”, now it’s her turn. She says it’s the fact that she saw the life she never had flash before her eyes back when she was being assaulted by him—you know, the one with the kids back in chapter twenty-three. And she’ll never have it because the kids were clearly described as having brown skin. That’s not allowed. No way Meyer is gonna have her SI pop something out that isn’t the purest white possible. Then she goes and says that her and Ed’s relationship is like Sam and Emily’s, in that they “never had a choice” who to love and that it was always gonna be just like that. You know, I’ve never been in love, but I can honestly say I really, really don’t think it works like that.

Bella whines that she can’t have both Ed and Jerkoff at the same time (and I say why the hell not? A little threeway action never hurt anybody, and Ed is clearly gay. He can be the middle). Jerkoff once again declares that he’s going to be good. And the subject is abruptly switched to her getting married.

You know, we could turn these books into carnival rides. We’d make a ton of money from adrenalin junkies. I’m sure the profits would pay for all of the whiplash lawsuits.

Bella says she’s only getting married because Ed wants to, which says a lot about their relationship. Isn’t it usually the chick who withholds sex for the I dos? Jerkoff asks when it is, and Bella answers that it’s whenever Alice finishes planning whatever huge elaborate shit she’s got up her sleeve, and says she’s going to be changed after the marriage takes place. He asks if she is scared, she says yes—oh, man, you gotta see this.


"Yes," I whispered back.

"What are you afraid of?" I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.

"Lots of things." I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. "I've never been much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain…

They are so totally talking about her wedding night.

Bella whines about how she wants to get control of herself when changed, and Jerkoff makes it clear that he’ll attack anybody in the pack who tries to attack Bella if she goes crazy with bloodlust as a vampire. Psh. Some defender you are. Jerkoff asks if she’s worried about her dying in the process, and she tells him to not be stupid. Bella then says it’ll all be worth it. Not gonna stop her from whining about it, though.

They start talking about how much they love each other, and Jerkoff tells her, “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll always be the rebound should you get bored.” They talk about how he needs to stay in bed and get better—and then we get this conversation out of NOWHERE.


"I wonder when it will happen," I said. "When the right girl is going to catch your eye."

"Don't get your hopes up, Bella." Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. "Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you."

"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be."

"That part might be kind of fun," he admitted.

What—was Bella’s comment about how her True Love transcends all others not enough, Meyer? You just had to randomly insert a comment from her saying that no girl will ever be as good as she is for Jerkoff?

SUBTLE FORESHADOWING

*nearly falls out of his chair* What the fuck?!

*settles himself back in* Goddammit, Mervin. *grumbles*

They once again tell the audience how much they love each other, and Bella finally leaves.

Mervin: *temporarily halts her destruction and comes back in, dragging her feet*

Sands: *hears her coming and claps his hands together* Oh, MERVIN! How delightful. *grinning madly* Look at me—I’m not wearing a shirt. *gestures and stretches, making a big show of it* Now—you tell me how nice that is.

Mervin: *dully* How nice that is.

Sands: *waggles a finger at her* Oh, come on. You can do better than that.

Mervin: *casts her eyes skyward* Your bronze chest is so well-muscled, Sands, I don’t know how you do it.

Sands: *cheerfully* Well, I do try. What else about it do you want to say?

Mervin: It—it would probably be fine if you just—just left it off. *winces*

Sands: That is so very kind of you. I think I will. Now, why don’t you tell everybody how handsome I am?

Mervin: *buries face in hands* He’s handsome.

Sands: Oh, I don’t think they heard you, Mervin, you’re kind of muffled, there. You didn’t mention my high cheekbones. Did you notice my sharp and chiseled cheekbones, ones that clearly indicate good breeding?

Mervin: Yes, I noticed your sharp and chiseled cheekbones, ones that clearly indicate good breeding.

Sands: *snickering* And why don’t you tell the audience how pathetic and weak you are, and how you actually need and depend on me?

Mervin: *gritting her teeth* I am weak and pathetic and I actually need and depend on Sands.

Sands: Who do you depend on?

Mervin: I depend on the Grand High Duke of All Hot none other than Super Secret Agent Sands are you happy now?!

Sands: Not in the slightest. We’ll continue this next chapter. *glee*



( Chapter 27 - Needs )



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