Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

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Eclipse: Chapter 24

Well, let’s see if the massive explosion in the last chapter helped me overcome my rage, hmm? Yes, there will be Mr. Darcy if it gets particularly bad again, I’m sure, but I sincerely doubt that’s gonna happen again—at least, not until Jerkoff shows up . *scowl*

Away we go!



Chapter 24 – Snap Decision

So, Bella’s being the Grand Poobah of all whiners, once again laying on the ground like a slug and hoping she’ll die. Ah, nothing like a strong, independent woman. She is truly a role model for all young girls. Having a serious emotional problem in your life, particularly guilt over something? Under no circumstances should you attempt to actually do something about it. Just fall over and flail until a Big Strong Man comes to make it better.

And speaking of, here comes the Big Strong Man.

Wardo pokes the back of her head and she cringes, and when he inquires after her well-being, she says she wants “to die” and Wardo replies, “That will never happen. I won’t allow it.

I was supposed to think that was romantic, right? Not completely and utterly terrifying? Okay, just checking—you never can tell with Meyer.

Bella whines some more, and Wardo asks where Jerkoff is. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO READ MINDS, YOU JACKASS, FIND HIM YOURSELF. YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS OBVIOUSLY VERY UPSET WITH REGARDS TO JERKOFF.

Eh, since when has Wardo ever been sensitive to Bella’s wants and needs. Never mind.

Bella then informs us that because of Jerkoff playing out his little drama-rama in front of Seth, pretty much the entire pack knows what went down. And none of them want to tear him apart as a result? Of course not. All of the male werewolves are misogynists who think imprinting is just the greatest thing ever. I hope Leah does a little impromptu surgery and neuters him.

So, Wardo remembers that he can read minds and does just that, Bella whines some more about how she wants to die (hey—I’ll oblige you, just so you’ll SHUT UP!!!!), and Wardo actually laughs. Yes, she’s obviously miserable about this whole situation, and you have no idea why she’s miserable, do you? She could be crying because she just got FUCKING ASSAULTED, rather than bawling because she just realized that True Love Through Rape is a legitimate plot device in this universe, but no, Wardo just sits back and has a good laugh. “Oh, that Jacob. What hijinks that boy gets up to!”

I’m dead serious, that’s pretty much what he does. Meyer even describes Wardo speaking of Jerkoff with “grudging admiration” when it comes to his methods of dealing with women he supposedly loves—methods that involved Wardo’s own fiancée.

I just…why am I supposed to like these people? There is absolutely nothing likeable about any of them. Jerkoff G-rated rapes Bella. Bella realizes that she’s madly in love with Jerkoff because of said G-rated rape. And when Wardo finds out, he admires the fact that Jerkoff G-rated raped Bella. And this is all portrayed as good—these aren’t intentionally fucked up characters. Bella is a direct self-insert of Meyer, and Jerkoff and Wardo are her fantasy men—there’s nothing diluted, these are complete portraits of the men she masturbates to. And it’s quite established that she thinks they are sweet, wonderful, kind, and perfect.

I can’t wrap my brain around this today. I don’t know why. So I’m just going to eat my pimento cheese sandwich and move on.

Wardo then declares that because Jerkoff’s methods are worse than his (despite the fact that he admires them, WTF), that makes him much better. He also says that he is naturally not mad at Bella, because the Good and Pure couples in these stories don’t ever get mad at each other. Wardo also says he wishes she hadn’t obliged Jerkoff’s ordering her to tell him to kiss her. Why would that be? In fact, let’s have a big quote, shall we?


"Shh," he hushed me, his fingers soothing against my cheek. "That's not what I meant. It's just that he would have kissed you anyway—even if you hadn't fallen for it—and now I don't have an excuse to break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too."

"Fallen for it?" I mumbled almost incomprehensibly.

"Bella, did you really believe he was that noble? That he would go out in a flame of glory just to clear the way for me?"

I raised my head slowly to meet his patient gaze. His expression was soft; his eyes were full of understanding rather than the revulsion I deserved to see.

"Yes, I did believe that," I muttered, and then looked away. But I didn't feel any anger at Jacob for tricking me. There wasn't enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward myself.

Edward laughed softly again. "You're such a bad liar, you'll believe anyone who has the least bit of skill."

Ah, I adore bullet lists.

  • You know, I have to give it to Meyer. While she does have trouble with character consistency with the minor characters, when it comes to the main ones? She is excellent at keeping them right on track, never wavering from their patterns. Because all through their relationship, there has only ever been one person Wardo thinks of—himself. No matter what happens, he’s got himself on the mind. Bella might die from van? He’s thinking of how much pain that will cause him. Staying around her will cause either her death or vampirization? He either declares that staying away is too hard, or leaves not because he doesn’t want her to suffer that fate, but because the thought of her being like that hurts him (not that he was going to stay away permanently—he would’ve eventually given up). Keeping her away from Jacob? Not for her safety—only because he doesn’t want her hanging around with other men. And here, angry about Jerkoff G-rated raping her? He’s mad because now he doesn’t have a legitimate excuse to beat up Jerkoff, something he’s wanted to do since probably the first book.


  • On the subject of legit excuses…tell me, why don’t you have one now? You saw what happened through Jerkoff’s eyes—saw what happened through Seth’s eyes. She was clearly coerced into doing this. But, because she asked under extreme duress and obviously didn’t want to, well, now he can’t do it. Uh-huh. This is merely more of Wardo revealing himself to be a huge coward when it comes to Jerkoff—“Well, I would jump to your defense and try to defend your honor, but you asked him to do it! Obviously, that means you wanted it. I surely can’t beat him up now.”


  • Thanks for the recap of how incredibly stupid Bella is, Meyer. I think we all know that she probably deliberately fell for that, because she’s always looking for any excuse to drape herself across Jerkoff. That, and as I have already pointed out, Meyer wants to have her sparkly cake with furry frosting and eat it too, but can’t have Bella do that or else she loses her supposed virtue. So she just has Jerkoff rape her. There is so much wrong with that I don’t even know what to say.


  • But, of course, Bella isn’t mad at Jerkoff. Being angry at a guy is not an option. That’s why Leah’s always shat upon in this series—she has the nerve to be angry at a Man.


  • Why do we keep having all this insistence that Bella’s a bad liar? She lies quite well to a lot of people, including her father and Jacob (back before he was Jerkoff, anyway—not to mention that she ultimately lies a lot to Wardo, saying that she only wants to be a vampire to be with him forever when it’s made clear in her thoughts that he can’t see that she’s doing it to become beautiful and immortal).


  • And no, Wardo. Her being a bad liar is not the reason she believes anything a guy tells her. She believes anything a guy tells her because A) they are Men, and as a lowly wimmins, their Word is Truth, and B) she’s an idiot.

Well! We’re a few pages in—I think we’ve waited long enough.


OOOH MISTER DARCY OOH.

Bella starts whining about why Wardo isn’t angry with her. Because he enjoys your suffering, dear—that’s clear from Midnight Sun. That, and I’m pretty sure he’s getting off on the idea that even though you love Jerkoff as well, you are STILL choosing him over the BFD. Wardo cheerfully tells Bella that he knows the whole story, because Jerkoff was broadcasting his thoughts as loudly as possible with big mental images, and jokes about how all of the werewolves are revolted—not by his behavior, mind, just the fact that eeewwwww, kissing. These people are all twelve-year-old girls. Bella nonverbally whines some more, and then Wardo says this.


"You're only human," he whispered, stroking my hair again.

Oh. Oh, thanks, Wardo. This situation was bad enough—but now you have to throw that in, one of the most condescending, belittling, arrogant, pompous, aren’t-I-so-fucking-great comments you’ve said yet. From the mouth of anybody else, that might seem reasonable. But that’s from Wardo, the one who, from the moment he was turned into a vampire, has spent his immortal years boasting about how vampires are so much better than humans, and humans are worthless, and everything vampires do, feel, think, or have is infinitely better than a human’s.



ROAST IN HELL. ALL OF YOU.

Bella points out that that is stupid, and Wardo blathers on about— *slaps hand over mouth*


"But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he… There are holes in your life that I can't fill. I understand that."

"But that’s not true. That's what makes me so horrible. There are no holes."

"You love him," he murmured gently.

Every cell in my body ached to deny it.

"I love you more," I said. It was the best I could do.

*blurts* No kidding Wardo can’t fill certain holes! He’s gay!

*falls out of her chair screaming with laughter*

*after getting control of herself* Wardo then talks about how after his leaving devastated her so, Jerkoff was the one to “heal” her (except he didn’t), and saying that she only loves him because it’s his fault. I know this was supposed to be touching, but the way it is written merely sounds arrogant, patronizing, and incredibly bland. So, business as usual. Bella then starts whining some more, demanding that Wardo be mean to her, and he talks about how he is physically incapable of doing anything like that. Ignore all of the past times that he actually has. We get a random—and I mean very random—mention of how close it is to the battle that we’re not going to see, and Wardo says this:


When he finally spoke again, he was whispering. "I can be noble, Bella. I'm not going to make you choose between us. Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me you want, or none at all, if that's better. Don't let any debt you feel you owe me influence your decision."

*slaps forehead* You buttfuck! She already has told you time after time after TIME that she chooses you, and then said just up there that she “loves you more”, but you STILL want to hear her tell you all about how she’s choosing you over Jerkoff! How many times does your ego need to be stroked?! How many times do you need to hear about how you beat the dog?! Do you just want it as more ammo, saying that you didn’t make her choose, so he can’t be mad at you?! DEAR GOD!!!



Bella pitches a fit, and…basically says that she wants Wardo and Jerkoff to have a big epic fight over her.

Charming. Really.

But enough of that! Then she hurls herself at Wardo and demands he give her a good sexing immediately because surely a good sexing will make her forget all about Jerkoff. All right, then. She starts humping his leg and rubbing her face on his, and he tells her not to do that. She then says that he “said [she] could have any part of [him she] wanted”, and dammit, she wants his ding-dong. Bella mentions that her “body was making [her] intentions clear, giving [her] away”. Wait—what? She spelled it out already. Does she have an erection, or something?

Wardo then tells her that this is a bad time to do that, and Bella actually doesn’t realize why. For once, I am on Wardo’s side as he points out that it is freezing cold, the newborns are a few minutes away, and he doesn’t really want to be a rebound from her G-rated rape with Jerkoff. She promptly whines that he’s only saying all that because he’s a prude.

And then the fight starts. Somebody with attention deficit disorder edited this.

Bella starts whining some more about how the Cullens are all going to die down there, Wardo is patronizing, and now Seth has joined in with the whining. Then Wardo starts describing the battle.

And you know what? I’m skipping it. I mean, can you imagine anything more boring than just hearing Wardo in his dry, pompous, unemotional style telling us about a battle that is already quite boring in and of itself, because there’s no worry, no anxiety, no nothing about losing, so we aren’t scared or concerned for anybody? I certainly can’t (unless maybe it’s one of the Bella/Wardo makeout scenes). The only thing I will mention is the way Wardo is describing it—Meyer throws this line out there: “He was so intent on what he was hearing that he used the pack plural.

Meyer, since when has Wardo ever behaved that way with his ability? All he does is hear thoughts—despite what you tell us, we’ve had no indication shown to us at all that he has trouble distinguishing himself from the person he’s listening to (like we did in “The Darkest Hour”), and in Midnight Sun, all we see is that he hears mental dialogue and occasionally feels emotion and intent, but is completely separate from it. This makes no sense and I reject it.

Oh, and during the whole description, Bella’s whining and hyperventilating. Meyer is trying to make the audience feel stressed by going on and on and ON about how Bella’s stressed. It doesn’t work, because Wardo is BORING.

After a couple of pages of just…complete NOTHING, we get a total dramatic orchestra hit. I mean, it’s this level of overly dramatic:


(Ah, vintage.)

Wardo is still ramping up the flat, boring drama, and is so completely drama-llama that he doesn’t use the zipper to leave the tent, just rips it to shreds. Bella starts whining about herself while trying to pretend to be selfless (we’re not fooled) because she thinks somebody’s been killed. She sees Wardo and Seth and they are making out. This is not an exaggeration.


Seth was all I could see, right beside us, his face only six inches from Edward's. They stared at each other with absolute concentration for one infinite second. The sun shattered off Edward's skin and sent sparkles dancing across Seth's fur.

That last sentence was included because it sucks and I wanted you to see it.

But then Wardo and Seth realize Bella is watching so they break up their impromptu romantic kiss and Wardo tells Seth to go. So, off he goes. And—Jesus, I’m sorry this is so quote heavy, but Meyer won’t stop throwing shit like this at me.


Had two entire seconds passed? It felt like hours. I was terrified to the point of nausea by the knowledge that something horrible had gone awry in the clearing. I opened my mouth to demand that Edward take me there, and do it now. They needed him, and they needed me. If I had to bleed to save them, I would do it. I would die to do it, like the third wife. I had no silver dagger in my hand, but I would find a way—

*points* See that line about the third wife? Let’s keep that in mind. And I’d like to point something out to Bella that I believe she has conveniently forgotten—that Meyer has conveniently forgotten.

New Moon. Bella’s eighteenth birthday party. Paper cut. Single drop of blood. JASPER.

Moving on!

Wardo is still being overly dramatic in the hopes that the audience will bite their fingernails, but the only person his theatrics are working on is Bella because she does anything she tells him to. That, and she’s also doing her best to work the audience. It’s still not working. Anyway, Wardo basically backs himself into a corner and starts grinding Bella between him and a cliff face. Hey, look—it’s Scylla and Charybdis, the legendary rock and a hard place. Bella then finally realizes what’s going on by the way Wardo is doing his football crouch. The fight in the clearing is fine—somebody’s coming here. Oh, shock-horror. How does Meyer do it? She tells us that will never happen about fifty million times and then it does. Amazing use of dead herrings.

Although I really gotta say, these people are so stupid and confident in their own infallibility that they never prepare for the worst—like, say, somebody actually getting through the lines and coming up to find them. Or Victoria sending a small party around, but making sure they aren’t set in their decisions, since she knows how Alice’s power work through deux ex machina. They just put one plan into action and then ignore everything else. And these are our fearless heroes? These are the people that Bella claims know everything and are the smartest people in the whole wide world? Really, Meyer? How stupid do you think I am? As stupid as you are, apparently—but it’s okay, she’s got millions of people who actually are.

Oh, by the way. They just now figured out it was Victoria behind of all this—and not through any deduction, but because Wardo hears her thoughts.

Normally, I would say in a patient voice that we should all now put our hands to our hearts and our mouths and bulge our eyes and say how shocked we are. I would say that some of you should probably go out for a walk you are so shocked. We could all be nice to Meyer and pretend that we are just so stunned that what Wardo so flippantly dismissed was right, and also marvel at Bella’s excellent skills of deduction.

But these books suck royally, she just tried to shove a date-raping bastard on me as a good guy, and she’s an arrogant cock who thinks Wardo is better than Mr. Darcy. I’m not feeling generous at all. In fact, I’m feeling positively malicious.

Especially when I read this next part. Yeah, more quotes, people. Sorry.


Relief again. If it had been the Volturi, we were both dead. But with Victoria, it didn’t have to be both. Edward could survive this. He was a good fighter, as good as Jasper. If she didn’t bring too many others, he could fight his way out, back to his family. Edward was faster than anyone. He could make it.

I was so glad he’d sent Seth away. Of course, there was no one Seth could run to for help. Victoria had timed her decision perfectly. But at least Seth was safe; I couldn’t see the huge sandy wolf in my head when I thought his name—just the gangly fifteen-year-old boy.

Bullet list, how you comfort me in these trying times.

  • Yes, now is one of those times that Bella loves—a time where she can turn on the selfless act full throttle. Oh, look at how selfless she is, folks. She totally doesn’t care about her own life, only those around her. Isn’t that wonderful. She’s just a paragon of unselfishness and sacrifice. She can eat me.


  • And yet again, she’s all, “Great! Even though I’m going to die, Wardo will live—that’s perfect.” How—how many times is she going to just completely forget about New Moon, goddammit?! He tried to kill himself! He made it quite clear that if/when you die, he dies—and he keeps repeating this, too! It doesn’t matter if he is good enough to survive it, you braindead bimbo! He won’t, because he’s just as codependent as you are!!!!


  • I’m going to once again ask you people to keep a line in mind—Seth. The bit about Bella wangsting that he’s just a kid.


  • And on that same note, once again, we get to hear about how Bella thinks werewolves suck. I mean, one could technically interpret that as her saying that he’s very young and inexperienced, or that she doesn’t want someone so barely into life to be put at risk. Except, as always, this is Twilight, and she has done little but tell us all about how much the werewolves are inferior to vampires and don’t stand a chance against them despite all sorts of evidence to the contrary.


  • DAMMIT, MEYER. YOU JUST SPENT YOUR DEAD HERRING, AND YET YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO ANOTHER ONE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FUCKING DEAD HERRING. HOW MUCH PATIENCE DO YOU THINK I HAVE? OH, OF COURSE SETH HAS RUN AWAY, OF COURSE WARDO SENT HIM OFF, NATURALLY, IT’S JUST YOU AND WARDO, OOOH, WHATEVER SHALL WE DO. FUCK YOU, BITCH! FUCK YOU AND YOUR DEAD HERRING YOU KEEP TRYING TO CHOP ME DOWN WITH!!!!!


Sorry. But I am so SICK of her dead herrings. SICK OF THEM.

Bella keeps looking around and then the enemy arrives, Victoria and some other underling. Once again, Meyer kills a potentially serious situation by talking about sparkling. Did she think that telling the audience that the villains are glitzy made them more threatening, or something? Did she have a terrible experience as a child involving glitter glue? But no time for that—here comes the first payoff and connection to one of the lines I told you to remember. That one about Seth, right? Him being young? Here’s the connecting line.


I could barely look at the blond boy—yes, he was just a boy, though he was muscular and tall, maybe my age when he was changed. His eyes—a more vivid red than I had ever seen before—could not hold mine.

There it is. Random vampire is just a boy. Seth, at age fifteen, is just a boy. Too young. Bella keeps talking about how they are all too young.

And yet she wants to be changed into a vampire before she hits nineteen. Was horrified to be turning eighteen, meaning she wanted to be turned at seventeen.

Any other double standards you want to throw at us while you’re in this kind of a mood? Oh, wait—I forgot. After reading Midnight Sun, we all know how much Bella HATES double-standards. *stab*

Bella then launches into over 400 words of purple, ridiculously theatrical monologuing and angst about how she’s definitely going to die, spelling out for the stupid audience why Victoria brought one vampire with her, and how Victoria is going to kill her. I’m pretty sure this would be one or two pages at least in the actual book. In my Word document, it’s almost a full page. And it’s a show stopper. I mean, a literal show stopper. It’s so badly done, so badly written, and so just bad that any tension that may have been present just kind of evaporates. It doesn’t matter how flowery Meyer writes it and how many times she tells us how tense the situation is (it’s a lot, in case you wanted to know). It just doesn’t help any kind of action scene to stop and poetically (and badly at that) describe things.

And you know what? It doesn’t get any better. We just spent 400 words waxing poetic about Victoria the Beautiful Death, and then Wardo starts monologuing. OH MY GOD. I WANT TO DIE. THEY ARE DOING NOTHING BUT TALKING. HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO BREAKING DAWN IF I CAN’T EVEN TAKE HALF A CHAPTER OF MONOLOGUING INSTEAD OF ACTION?

LOOK OVER THERE.


IT’S MISTER DARCY. THAT IS MUCH BETTER THAN MEYER MONOLOGUING VIA HER CHARACTERS.

And you people have NO IDEA how hard it was for me to make that. I mean it. You really don’t know how many times I just kind of stopped PSing and stared, or started bouncing up and down in my seat, fanning myself, making little whimpering noises—okay, I’d better stop there.

I’m skimming. And really, I think that says a lot about both this scene and this story. This is the climax, what the whole book has been leading up to, and it is so bad and so boring I cannot think of anything funny to say about it, nor do I think anybody else should be bored by it. So, I am going to borrow Sands’s method of condensing a boring scene like he did up in chapter eighteen.

1) Wardo tells random vampire—Riley—that Victoria is lying. He is also completely pompous, talking about how he’s definitely without question going to kill him if he attacks him. This takes 350 words to do.

2) Victoria tells Riley that is nonsense and is completely insincere about it, but Riley is an idiot and believes her. Bella belittles him for being so hopelessly and brainlessly devoted to Victoria. I ran outside and wrestled a bear in my rage at that statement coming from Bella Swan.

3) Unexpected Seth is unexpected. Except by those who expected it. Like anybody with half a brain.

4) Victoria’s eyes fill “with a disappointment so ferocious that she looked deranged”. Disappointment. Really, Meyer?

5) Seth starts laying the smackdown while Riley smackdowns back.

6)Edward and Victoria were dancing.” These people couldn’t be any gayer if they formed a rainbow buttsex conga line.

7) Wardo is keeping one step ahead of Victoria because of his mind-reading.

8) Wardo is an ass to Victoria, trying to make her mad by saying how James never cared about her. She’s stupid, so it works.

9) Bella just sits there, vacantly watching things.

10) Wardo says this: “"Look more closely, Victoria," he murmured, pulling at the threads of her concentration. "Is he really so much like the monster James tracked across Siberia?"” Victoria expresses shock that he’s not like whatever that was.

11) Even though Seth is doing a good job holding his own against Riley, Bella still can’t resist getting in a few digs about the werewolves, saying that he’s only winning against Riley because he’s a newborn, since werewolves suck

12) Seth gets bitchslapped into the rock behind them, and Bella “instinctively” catches a sharp piece of rock. “Yeah, right,” said Mervin.

13) Meyer continually describes any actual hit on the vampires as “metallic screeching”.

14) Bella thinks the fights are turning sour and thinks about cutting her arm with the rock she has in her hand.

15) Wardo throws Victoria into a tree, rips off Riley’s arm, and then pistolwhips Victoria with it. This is all described as being “all but invisible with speed”. As in, maybe I could take enough speed so that I would go blind. That would be great.

16) Seth starts to disassemble Riley, and Meyer beats us over the head with how Victoria doesn’t give two shits about him.

17) Victoria turns to run, and Wardo gently bites her head off. Only it’s not described like that at all, just her hair.

And that’s it.

I took 2663 words and seven pages and easily pared it down 414 words and one page in Word.

But if you think it’s gonna be left with just that, you haven’t been reading my recapping style for long. That’s right—I’ve got some bitching to do about a few of those numbers. No way Meyer is getting off that easy (well, she would if it was just Wardo and Jerkoff, anyway).

7) Wardo is keeping one step ahead of Victoria because of his mind-reading.

So, you’re telling me this, Meyer—Victoria knew enough about Alice to be able to easily confuse her senses and keep herself secret. But she doesn’t know how to keep Wardo out, which by this canon, is actually not that hard? And if she were so crazy with hate on Bella, wouldn’t her moves be a little fuzzy in her head?

10) Wardo says this: "“Look more closely, Victoria,” he murmured, pulling at the threads of her concentration. “Is he really so much like the monster James tracked across Siberia?”" Victoria expresses shock that he’s not like whatever that was.

Spoiler alert. The payoff for this is a teeny, tiny paragraph or two at the very end of Breaking Dawn. We never hear about it again until then. This is not foreshadowing, Meyer.

12) Seth gets bitchslapped into the rock behind them, and Bella “instinctively” catches a sharp piece of rock. “Yeah, right,” said Mervin.

Mervin says that because you do not instinctively reach out to catch rocks that are falling on your head. What you do instinctively is cover your head. Bella apparently does not try to protect her head from having a very large and heavy object smashing into it. I think we all know why she doesn’t, don’t we?

13) Meyer continually describes any actual hit on the vampires as “metallic screeching.

Meyer, are they stone, crystal, diamond, or metal? Those four things are completely different and have completely separate properties. You cannot be all four at the same time, and don’t you dare try to write it off as, “Oh, that’s just what vampires are made of and it’s fantasy so I can do whatever I want.” If you do, I will deliver a cervical punch of epic proportions.

14) Bella thinks the fights are turning sour and thinks about cutting her arm with the rock she has in her hand.

That’s the payoff for the third wife. This is the parallel Meyer tries to draw. Except it doesn’t work, like, AT ALL.

The third wife not only killed herself, but she displayed no hesitation and did it immediately. It was a complete heroic sacrifice (but not viewed as heroic enough to merit her a name, seeing as she’s just a lowly wimmins).

Bella here kind of thought about it, pondering the situation for a while, and then prepared to…cut her arm enough to draw some blood, but really had to gear herself up first, thinking about it and wondering if she could do it. She spent a full page pondering it and comparing herself to the completely selfless sacrifice of the third wife, actually.

That’s not a parallel. What next—she gonna compare herself to Jesus? After all, that was kind of like dying for the sake of a whole lot of people, wasn’t it?

15) …This is all described as being “all but invisible with speed”. …

If they are invisible with speed, they are going faster than the speed of sound. And yet they are completely silent. Tell me—does this sound silent to you?


That’s a jet, breaking the sound barrier. And it does it so silently, does it not?

17) Victoria turns to run, and Wardo gently bites her head off. Only it’s not described like that at all, just her hair.

I can honestly say that it was the most boring decapitation I have ever read in my life.

And you know what? I suppose I should be more grateful. Spoiler alert! That scene right there was the only action scene between vampires we ever see in this series. That’s it. That one single scene. 2,663 words and seven pages, most of it just bloated monologuing and whining. So, probably about a thousand words and three or four pages. Including Midnight Sun, this series has a total of 2,800 pages and 682,791 words.



Looking at the numbers all spread out like that…kind of makes me want to die.

Well, that’s all for now. And I am so bored and blah and depressed by those tallies that I am not even going to offer up a stinger. Ta.



( Chapter 25 - Mirror )



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