Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Eclipse: Chapter 21

I know. No review yet, and no answers to the meme. I, um, do have an excuse for that. You see, I'm trying to finish the Eclipse recap by Thursday. So I've been working feverishly on it.

So, about the next chapter of the recap instead? I have that done, definitely.

Chapter 21 – Trials

Okay. I have to prep myself before diving into this one—I will NOT summon Sands back. I will NOT. I am going to FINISH THIS STORY BY MYSELF. I don’t need that bastard for these last 115 pages. I DON’T. I will use any other means BUT HIM to get this done.

Of course, I’m sure Meyer took that as a challenge, given what happens in said 115 pages.

Bella opens up with whining about how she has to sleep. Yeah, sleep—what a bummer. Dreaming and tuning the world out for a few hours is just awful. She wakes up to a windy day, taking the time to mention that Wardo leaves her when she gets dressed. She starts bemoaning the fact that she’s now engaged, and dammit, we already have to pause for a small digression.

Bella. Sweetie. Puddin’. Honey.

Nobody is forcing you to get married.

Yeah. That’s right. You could’ve said no and turned him down. Nobody’s forcing you into this. This is your own damned fault—you are that desperate for sex that you are willing to do something you really don’t want to do. You are willingly letting him manipulate you into doing what he wants just so you can get some nookie. So no, I don’t feel sorry for you in the slightest. One look around you at the vampires in the Cullen clan should tell you that you will be PERFECTLY FINE as a vampire, and no, blood won’t always be on your mind—and this is obvious even without knowing what happens in Breaking Dawn. This is simply Meyer’s attempt at some drama and some conflict and it is, as usual, failing miserably.

Speaking of fail, she decides now is a good time to start up some


with regards to her now looming marriage. We waste an entire paragraph of her talking about how the wedding won’t be any big deal and that she shouldn’t be bothered by it and how she’s going to wear sweats and how a mere fifteen-minute ceremony is worth the sparklepeen and how nobody’s gonna know.

And that’s when she says it.

Of course, it was very stupid of me not to think of Alice.

It was a pretty instant reaction. I violently twitched, snarled audibly, and had white-knuckle fists. I hate Alice. And I hate what she does next.

The Cullen hunting party comes back home, and we get a lot of emphasis on the fact that Alice is bitchy. Bella assumes it’s because of her racism towards the werewolves (and naturally bears her no ill will for it), which she vents loudly to Wardo. Apparently, she can’t see their future proper because Jerkoff is going to be with them and she sneaks in a good “dog”, complete with italics for 50% more bigotry. However, she tells them they are due for a bad snow storm in the mountains. Why they needed Alice to tell them this is beyond me—I’ve found that NOAA is ten times more reliable than Alice’s abilities, and it’s run by weathermen. However, with regards to said snowstorm in the middle of June, I must make mention of it now—I researched the weather in June of 2006, and discovered that there actually was a freak snowstorm in Washington extending all the way to Spokane, but the worst of it hit the northwestern portion of the state. It even hit on the exact dates the timeline of this book says it did. Part of me wants to give her a little credit for that—unfortunately, there is still a very large portion of me that is stubbornly insisting that she just got lucky, due to her track record so far of research (and the fact that she admits she doesn’t actually do that sort of rubbish).

Anyway, Alice then is sullen at Bella while Wardo grins smugly about it. Suddenly, we are at the Newton’s camping store. Yes, it was that abrupt. They buy a sleeping bag, a tent, and some dehydrated food, which Bella whines about. Wait—we weren’t at a camping store. We were in the Cullens’ garage. WTF, Meyer?! We get more mention of Alice, who is still doing some serious sulking and GODDAMMIT, I HATE HER. Wardo then gives Bella his phone so she can call up Jerkoff—because Wardo apparently can’t—but it turns out he’s not home, so Billy promises to relay the message. He’s rather disappointed to not get to go out and fight himself, seeing as he’s old and stuff. Bella declares that “the urge to fight must be a characteristic of the Y chromosome” and that “they were all the same”.

1) The way it is written in this story? Yes, it apparently IS a characteristic. That should tell you something, MEYER.
2) One could argue that the werewolves are simply anxious to protect their homeland and prove their worth. The Cullens? Eh, they just want to go out and kill something. They get off on that.
3) Oh my—lumping the Pure and Sparkly White and Delightsome Cullens in with those stupid, smelly dogs? Wardo might push you down the stairs for that.
4) And there you go again with your, “Oh, BOYS,” routine. You know, I didn’t have a penis when I was younger and I LOVED to fight. I still don’t have one and have urges to fight. Granted, I don’t indulge them because I have half a brain now. Point is—stop classifying anything not typically female as something only boys do. It’s annoying. Not to mention that I really shouldn’t need to point out what you yourself go and do in Breaking Dawn.

Billy wishes everybody luck, and when she hangs up, Bella sees that Wardo and Alice are having one of those irritating silent conversations. The minute Alice sees the phone conversation is done, she demands to talk to her. Wardo turns on some dramatics, telling Alice that she’s “about to make [his] life harder than it needs to be”. Dude—you have never had it hard in your life ONCE. And what’s about to happen is not arduous, so can it. Alice tells him to butt out, because it “isn’t about [him]” and that it “is a female thing”.

Bella agrees to let Alice talk to her and Wardo goes prancing out of the garage. And the minute he is gone, that slimy, conniving bitch turns on the theatrics and goes into full drama llama, sounding as miserable as she possibly can before doing this.

"What's wrong, Alice?"

"Don't you love me?" she asked in that same sad tone.

"Of course I do. You know that."

"Then why do I see you sneaking off to Vegas to get married without inviting me?"

Starts off…semi-reasonable. Bella quickly informs us that she bought into this patently fake act that Alice is putting on so she can get her own way, talking about how she “had seriously hurt her feelings”, except I know the lack of an invite is not what Alice is whining about. Bella quickly tells her she’s invited, and the very next words out of that twat’s mouth are, “How much do you love me, Bella?” And then she decides to trump them a single sentence later.

She stared at me with pleading eyes, her long black eyebrows slanting up in the middle and pulling together, her lips trembling at the corners. It was a heart-breaking expression.

"Please, please, please," she whispered. "Please, Bella, please—if you really love me… Please let me do your wedding."


*fingers curl into claws*

*head lights on fire*

*icily* FIC. TIME.

I dropped my arm instantly and stood, taking a few steps back from her. My mouth had drawn immediately into a thin line, and I crossed my arms across my chest. “No,” I said flatly, and then turned on my heel to leave the garage. I wasn’t surprised when she appeared in front of me, that same expression on her face.

“Bella, I thought you said you loved me—now I see it really was just words,” she said dejectedly, her eyes casting downward.

“I guess they just were,” I said coldly. “Now get out of my way. I’m going inside.”

Alice’s expression faltered a little, but she quickly recovered. “But it would make Edward happy, too—even though he wouldn’t admit it!”

“Ah, but this isn’t about Edward. You said so yourself,” I easily countered.

Alice grimaced briefly. “What about Esme? It would mean so much to her to get to take part in a traditional wedding!”

“I’m sure it would—so why don’t you get to planning the next one that Rose and Emmett will undoubtedly do, or perhaps your own and Jasper’s? I know you guys get married every decade or so,” I snapped, my nails cutting into my palms now they were curled so tightly.

“Bella,” Alice groaned, “I don’t know how Edward puts up with you—you are so difficult.”

Fury flashed white-hot through me, but I kept it under control—these people only laughed when I got mad. “Alice,” I growled, “I think I need to remind you that this marriage is about me and, contrary to your comments, Edward—not you. I am not your own personal mannequin that you can dress up and play with. I don’t even want to get married—so why the hell would I want the huge froo-froo wedding that costs thousands of dollars that you would undoubtedly plan?”

“Money’s not an issue—” she started flippantly.

“Yeah, I know,” I interrupted her. “It’s disgusting the way you guys toss it around.” Alice’s jaw dropped, but I pressed my advantage. “I don’t like excess. I don’t want a huge wedding. I want to go to Vegas, I want to get married quickly, and I want it to be over. Maybe later, when I’m turned and officially into the Cullen clan, I’ll let you plan another wedding. But not this time. I don’t want it.” I could see Alice attempting that same sulky expression she was using earlier, but it was too tinged with anger that her plan had obviously gone awry. I unfolded my arms and strode past her, half-afraid she’d stop me and I’d have to resort to calling Edward back in here to get her to let go of me. But she didn’t, merely sighed dramatically. I pursed my lips and paused at the door, my hand on the knob.

“And you can consider yourself uninvited to the ceremony,” I said sharply. Alice whirled, and I could tell that if she could, she’d be turning on the tears. “I get enough manipulation from Edward. It’s not like I need more from you.” And I swung the door open, strode back into the house proper, and slammed the door behind me.

Yeah. Bella doesn’t do that.

"Aw, Alice!" I groaned, pulling away and standing up. "No! Don't do this to me."

"If you really, truly love me, Bella."

I folded my arms across my chest. "That is so unfair. And Edward kind of already used that one on me."

"I'll bet Edward would like it better if you did this traditionally, though he'd never tell you that. And Esme—think what it would mean to her!"

I groaned. "I'd rather face the newborns alone."

"I'll owe you for a decade."

"You'd owe me for a century!"

Her eyes glowed. "Is that a yes?"

"No! I don't want to do this!"

"You won't have to do anything but walk a few yards and then repeat after the minister."

"Ugh! Ugh, ugh!"

"Please?" She started bouncing in place. "Please, please, please, please, please?"

"I'll never, never ever forgive you for this, Alice."

"Yay!" she squealed, clapping her hands together.

"That's not a yes!"

"But it will be," she sang.

I hate that bitch.

I hate that bitch.

I hate that goddamned bitch.


And, of course, I hate Bella, too, for allowing this, and I hate Meyer for it as well—not one, not two, but THREE “ughs”, and all right there in a row.

*pleasantly* Moving on.

Bella stomps her way out of the garage, summoning Wardo. For some reason, she wants to yell at him for what just happened.


But she doesn’t, instead “hiding [her] face, just in case the angry moisture in [her] eyes made it look like [she] was crying”. Uh…angry tears are still tears, Bella. Wardo says they’ll still go to Vegas, but Alice smugly informs us that it’s not going to happen because, once again, when it is convenient, her power becomes less objective and more definite. She also gets in a few digs at Wardo while she’s at it. Then this happens:

"Don't be mean," I grumbled at her. "He's trying to make me happy, unlike you."

"I'm trying to make you happy, too, Bella. It's just that I know better what will make you happy… in the long run. You'll thank me for this. Maybe not for fifty years, but definitely someday."

"I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be willing to take a bet against you, Alice, but it has arrived."

She laughed her silvery laugh.

Again—can somebody please give me a valid reason as to why I should like that bitch? She’s just a bubblier, brighter, more aggravating version of Wardo. She’s the Scrappy to his Scooby.

Alice immediately demands to see the ring and starts pawing at Bella, shows off her ability for no reason, and Wardo says she’s not wearing it because she “has issues with jewelry”. And this is where it is revealed that we weren’t supposed to think that charm he put on Bella was a diamond, as when Alice says, “What’s one more diamond?” Wardo has a snit and Bella vacantly asks, “I don’t understand. What’s that about diamonds?” Bella, you’ve known the Cullens intimately (as intimately as she can, anyway) for about a year. Do you really, truly, honestly think that he would give you anything LESS than a diamond? Especially when in relation to anything Jerkoff is offering you? He doesn’t hold back when it comes to trying to one-up Jerkoff with his oodles of cash. He looks for the most expensive stuff possible, just to assure you and himself of his own inherent superiority and penis-size. You would know this if you weren’t busy sticking your head up either Wardo’s or your own ass all the time.

Alice quickly sends Bella on her way, not answering her question, reminding them that the storm is coming and they need to dress warmly. Everyone is rather tense about the weather situation, and we would all do well to remember it for later. Wardo and Bella depart, heading to the clearing to let Bella pee on all the trees, or whatever it is they’re doing. Wardo tells her what to do (as usual) and she starts going through the woods, pawing the trees as she does—but not before Wardo patronizingly smiles at her lack of direction. Thanks for that.

So, Bella decides to rip out her hair and drape it over stuff just to get the scent to be stronger, and after she does this, Wardo tells her that they really don’t need to let Alice plan the wedding. Bella replies that it doesn’t matter, and that she “had a sinking feeling that Alice was going to get her way, mostly because she was totally unscrupulous when there was something she wanted, and also because [Bella] was a sucker for guilt trips”.

Sucker for guilt trips. An honest character trait, and one that can be used as a character flaw to help flesh out someone you’ve written.

Pity Bella doesn’t actually have said character flaw.

Oh, she says she does, sure. But, as we have learned already, while Meyer adores telling us what to think and feel about her characters because it is infinitely easier than showing, she has a nasty habit of showing anyway—just the exact opposite of what she’s telling.

We have seen quite a few characters lay on some guilt trips, because the whole town revolves around her. However, she has only responded to a select few—namely, vampires and one Jacob Black. Her father tried to resort to some when actual discipline failed to do anything, and she brushed him off easily. A lot of human boys in town tried that method to get her to date them—didn’t work. Several human girls have done it to her—nope. However, when it comes to the two men she claims to love—i.e., the ones that abuse her the most—she is still not a sucker for guilt trips—there is a difference between being one who gives in if someone lays it on thick and someone who meekly submits to anything that is asked of them when it comes to a certain group of people. And she is most certainly the latter with regards to vampires and werewolves. Seriously, Alice—you could’ve completely skipped the guilt trip, and she still would’ve let you. You’re a vampire—she does whatever they tell her.

But, really, this whole situation is quite a disgusting bit of writing on Meyer’s part. She is a Suethor, and Bella is her self-insert Sue. Bella gets to do and have everything she ever wanted and/or didn’t get. And one of those things is to have a huge, massive, all-expenses-paid and no planning on her part required wedding with gorgeous, top-dollar dresses, outrageous decorations, the most handsome groom in the world, and, of course, the stunningly beautiful bride in the unique dress that is the envy of all—and speaking of all, all must be there to gaze in wonder upon her splendor and line up to pay her tribute. She wants it. And she is gonna get it. However, as Meyer likes to paint her SI as the portrait of humbleness and someone who dislikes people ooing and ahhing over her, she can’t have her actively ask for it. So, instead, she claims that she is a “sucker” for guilt trips and has Alice, the fashion mogul who is probably the only one who spends and wastes more money on Bella than Wardo, insist on planning the wedding. That way, Bella can protest the whole time and it will seem like she doesn’t really want to have the lavish fantasy wedding, but still get it all the same. In other words, Meyer was hoping to get some cake and eat it too.

Yeah. I didn’t buy it. At all.

Anyway, Wardo says he “[wants] this to be what [she wants] it to be”, which is an outright LIE. If that were the case, you wouldn’t be pressuring her into marriage at all, you asshole. But Bella does not call him out on it—nay, she actually refrains from saying anything for fear of hurting HIS feelings by saying she does not want to get married. *rolls eyes* Wardo suggests that they keep it small, even if Alice does plan it—Wardo, are you even on this planet anymore?—and that “Emmett can get a clerical license off the Internet”. When Bella sounds amicable to the idea, Wardo smugly smiles and says, “There’s always a compromise.

If there was, Wardo, you wouldn’t be forcing her into a marriage she very clearly does not want. Asshole.

So, they hit the trail where the newborns will arrive, and then turn around and go back to the clearing on the same stink path they just laid down. Fortunately, we skip to the end in a semi-well done piece of time condensation for once. Right before we get to the clearing, Meyer suddenly remembers, “Wait! Bella’s faux-flaw! I’ve completely forgotten about it!” And so Bella goes OMGCLUMSY and trips over her own feet, slicing her hand open with a stick. First she gets the idea to stick her bleeding hand all over the area to spread her blood (and getting all manner of filth in the wound—considering it’s a puncture wound, I can’t wait to see the infection that’s gonna get). While she does it, Meyer also remembers that Bella ZOMG HATES BLOOD and we get a lot of crap about that. And then, as if all of that wasn’t enough, we get a full page of ~*~* --> SUBTLE FORESHADOWING <-- *~*~, consisting of Bella telling us all about how WARDO CAN’T STAND THE SMELL OF HER BACONY BLOOD FOR IT IS DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS TO WARDO ZOMG REMEMBER SHE IS HIS OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN?

So, naturally, we are SO SHOCKED when he tells us it “doesn’t bother [him] anymore” because he “got over it”.

What? Okay. I admit—that did shock me. In the “I seriously can’t believe you just said that” kind of way.

Care to explain, Meyer? I’ll wait. *crosses legs and folds hands*

Bella starts by telling us how difficult it is for Wardo to smell her. (No, it’s not.) It’s because she smells so good to him, you see. (No, she doesn’t.) It appears to be that it is because he thought she was dead—it changed his whole outlook on things. (No, it didn’t.) As such, his love for her has now made him completely able to never, ever harm a single hair on her head—not even desire it. (You were dropped from a great height as a child, weren’t you, Meyer?)

You know, I’d buy it if his reaction to her blood was reduced, and his control escalated. But completely and utterly vanish? Meyer, there is only so much your purported True Love can conquer. By your own canon, Wardo wanted to slaughter an entire roomful of children just to get a taste of that Bella Beggin’ Strip. By your own canon, she drives him mad with bloodlust and a desire to crack her open and suck her dry. (Except she totally doesn’t.) I know what you were going for—she’s his own personal brand of heroin, right? So, her love made him give up the crack. Oh, goodie. Isn’t that romantic. (It’s not.)

Hey, Meyer. Heroin addicts that give up the vice? They crave it for the rest of their lives. It’s neurologic. Wardo craves blood all the time because he eats animals. (Except he doesn’t.) And Bella is mad-crazy tasty. You don’t just “get over it”.

In conclusion? Burn him anyway.

Bella, however, is oh-so touched by the sentiment and lets him put a heavy jacket on her. They head to the opposite side of the clearing, and Jerkoff comes stepping out of the trees in human form. One warning—this scene is rather revolting. Meyer is trying her ass off to make Wardo seem better than Jerkoff when it comes to racism.

So, even though Jerkoff has been smarmy and arrogant and perfectly relaxed any time he’s been around vampires thus far, well, suddenly, he’s all stiff and growly. But Wardo? Oh, he’s the epitome of politeness and Bella is sure to point this out as often as possible, along with pointing out every time Jerkoff does something indicating he’s not pleased to be around Wardo—such as, when Wardo points to a spot on a map they’re poring over together, Jerkoff recoiling backwards and Wardo “[pretending] not to notice”. You see, “Jacob seemed to have to work harder than Edward to keep the tone polite.” Mmm. Yes. All the times Wardo called Jerkoff a dog to his face, and all of the other times he called him an animal and told him he was subhuman? And this time, the subtle undertones of him saying that Jerkoff can’t do anything without his help and is mostly useless? Totally keeping the peace.

Anyway, Wardo prances off to get to the campsite, and the minute he’s out of sight, Jerkoff’s all smiles. He’s quick to sweep Bella up in his arms, and off he goes, jogging across the terrain. And Bella immediately tells him not to run because surely he’ll “get tired”. You know—inferior to vampires, and all. He tells her that’s silly, and she asks him about the parka he brought. He says that’s for her, because the weather’s looking bad. It’s obvious—because all the animals have gone away or have gone into hiding. He’s a redskin, you know—they sense that stuff. You probably should’ve done a dance to bring the sunshine, chief.

No time for that. Jerkoff is quick to notice the diamond on her bracelet—Bella is still calling it a crystal—and he also proves to be smarter than her by saying it is “a rock”. Bella thinks this in return:

A rock? I was suddenly reminded of Alice's unfinished sentence outside the garage. I stared at the bright white crystal and tried to remember what Alice had been saying before… about diamonds. Could she have been trying to say he's already got one on you? As in, I was already wearing one diamond from Edward? No, that was impossible. The heart would have to be five carats or something crazy like that! Edward wouldn't—

You know, Meyer, I’m really not sure how you do it. You just dumb her down even more every single chapter, and still expect me to believe that she’s oh-so smart because, after all, she’s you, isn’t she? And you’re the greatest thing since Shakespeare.

Jerkoff whines that Bella hasn’t come to visit him. Yeah, Bella, shame on you! Don’t you know you need to have continued and repeated visits with people who assault you? Bella says that she really didn’t have a desire to go to La Push, and he chides her for not being more forgiving.

*twitch* Hold it together, Mervin. You’ve got eight pages left. And six of them are Jerkoff telling Bella all about how she wanted it and that she obviously wants more. You cannot Paul out yet.

*eyes her nuke* I refuse to use that one twice in a chapter, though. That’d just be overkill.

He says she’s obviously been thinking about their last visit, and she denies it—naturally, he laughs and says of COURSE she has been thinking about it. She whines about their closeness, and Jerkoff tells her that “a smart person looks at all sides of a decision”. You’re out of luck then, Jerkoff—Bella has the intelligence of a turd. Jerkoff pompously declares that she’s clearly lying if she says she hasn’t thought at all about the G-rated rape.

Here, Bella. I’ll help you.

I rubbed my forehead with my hand. “Yes, Jacob. I’ve thought about it.”

He smirked in triumph. “See?”

“Yeah. Believe me, I see,” I said coldly, holding my right hand up in his face—the one with the brace. “It’s hard to ignore this. So every time I see it, I get to be reminded of the fact that my last encounter with you ended with my hand broken. I get to think about it every time I flex my hand by accident, too, or press against it too hard—because it hurts like hell when that happens. Oh yes, Jacob, you’re constantly in my thoughts.”

Jacob rolled his eyes. “You know, you really should just accept that that part was your fault.”

“Is that so, Jacob,” I said acidly. My left arm was pressed against his chest, pinned in between us. I started wriggling, shoving my arm down. Jacob’s stride faltered and he looked down at me, obviously confused, and I glared right back at him. When I knew I was close to my target, I hissed, “Then this part is decidedly your fault.”

And my seeking fingers found their goal; Jacob’s eyes widened as I clenched my hand into a fist, crushing his balls in my grip, my nails digging in deep.

Jacob all but threw me away from him, which proved to be a mistake. He screamed in agony as I refused to let go, my whole weight jerking hard on my handful as I fell to the ground, my knees thumping and scraping painfully on the rocks. His howl spiraled upwards as his huge hand closed over my wrist and squeezed. I yelped in pain myself, finally releasing him, and he stumbled backwards, freed of my grip. He doubled over, clutching at his crotch, moaning.

I laughed spitefully, rubbing my skinned and bruising knees. “Jacob, I admit, I am surprised—out of all the things to not get hard after that werewolf transformation of yours, it has to be your dick,” I sneered.

You know, that was extremely therapeutic. Why don’t we all now assume our favorite yoga positions…let go of all our tension…and imagine crushing Jacob Black’s balls.


*brightly* So! Instead of that, Bella tells him that what happened “isn’t relevant to [her] decision”, and he tells her she’s deluded. She throws it back in his face. Oh, look, now we’ve been reduced to the level of Pee-Wee Herman. Jerkoff is now glum because he thinks Bella thinks Wardo’s a better kisser. Bella tells him that she doesn’t know, because she’s only ever kissed Wardo. Jerkoff reminds her of their “kiss”, and Bella says that was “more…an assault”. Jerkoff says “that’s cold” and that he “did apologize about that”. Bella tells him that “it doesn’t change the way [she remembers] it”, so Jerkoff pouts. A little silence, and then:

"I still think it's pretty irresponsible," Jacob suddenly said.

"Whatever you're talking about, you're wrong."

"Think about it, Bella. According to you, you've kissed just one person—who isn't even really a person—in your whole life, and you're calling it quits? How do you know that's what you want? Shouldn't you play the field a little?"

I kept my voice cool. "I know exactly what I want."

"Then it couldn't hurt to double check. Maybe you should try kissing someone else—just for comparison's sake… since what happened the other day doesn't count. You could kiss me, for example. I don't mind if you want to use me to experiment."

*raised eyebrow*

Well. Let’s see… *digs around in Airhead Year 7* It’s a very large quote, but I think it’s the best time for it. I’ve been holding out, unable to find a good spot for this, but this is simply too perfect. This is from Chapter 24 of “Ariana and the Prophesy of Gaea”.

“Ariana, wait up.” A voice called across the lawn. Ariana recognized it as Reginald’s voice.

“Reginald, I told you to leave me alone.” She said, turning around to face him. He caught up to her and stared down at her.

“I told you I’m sorry, Ariana.” He said gently. “What more do you want from me?”

“I want you to leave me alone.” She replied harshly. “I want you to never have kissed me. I want to go back in time and prevent it. Is that enough?”

“You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that kiss.” He said. Ariana turned away from him, angry at him and herself.

“Why are you doing this to me, Reginald?” she asked softly. “You know I love Neville. I told you I don’t love you. Why can’t you just leave it at that?”

“I love you too much. I’m not trying to be cruel or mean to you. I just don’t want to see you bind your life to him if you aren’t sure you love him.”

“But I do love him.” Ariana said, whipping around to face him. “I can’t live without him.”

“Ariana, he’s the only one you’ve ever been with. How can you decide your life having only been with one man?” he asked, his fingers gently brushing against her face. “How can you know what love is if you’ve only known one kind of love?”

“I’m an Empath, Reginald.” She reminded him. “I know what true love feels like. I feel that for Neville, and he feels the same. It’s the same for Ron and Hermione, and Ginny and Harry. It doesn’t matter that Neville is the only boyfriend I’ve ever had. I was just lucky enough to find my true love the first time I tried.”

“If that’s true, then why did you let me kiss you?” he asked, staring into her eyes and leaning closer.

“I didn’t let you.” She protested. “You surprised me.”

“You still could have pushed me away once you realized it. But you didn’t.” he said, his breath tickling her neck.

“It was your love. It was so strong it overpowered me. It’s the same reason powerful hatred can make me pass out. Powerful love seems to override my common sense.” Ariana mumbled weakly. She wanted to run away, to get out of there. But his love was too powerful. It was making her stay, no matter what she was telling herself to do.

“You know I love you.” He told her. One of his hands cupped the side of her face, raising her eyes back to his.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Reginald, but I don’t love you. A friend is all you’ll ever be to me.” She managed to say.

“I can’t just stop loving you.” He told her. His fingers laced into hers, and he raised her hand to his lips, kissing it softly.

“Please, Reginald, don’t do this.”

“You’re too young to have decided your future like this.”

“I’m eighteen. That’s not young.” She replied. “I’ve loved him since I first met him.”

“You were only twelve then. That is young to decide your life.” Reginald told her.

“It’s my life to decide.” She said weakly. His love was taking all the fight out of her, no matter how much she wanted to resist him. “Marrying Neville is the only thing that has ever made sense in my life. He is my life.”

“You’ve hardly lived at all, Ariana.” Reginald whispered in her ear. He kissed her hand again and moved closer to her.

“Reginald, don’t. Let me go.” She protested weakly. His lips brushed lightly against her cheek.

“Let me love you, Ariana.” He whispered. “Live a little.”

“Please, Reginald, don’t do this to me. Your love is too strong. I can’t resist it even though I want to.” She whispered back. She found herself resting her head on his shoulder, despite the orders her mind was screaming. “I want to push you away, but your love won’t let me.”

“I can’t help it. I love you so much.” He said, kissing her cheek. His hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. He placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

“Reginald, let me go. Please.” Her body had stopped obeying her. Her hands slid up his chest and around his neck. “Someone could see us; they could tell Neville. Don’t make me hurt him.”

“He won’t have to find out.” He told her, kissing her again.

Dude. Meyer did not dream this. She read the Ariana Black series and thought it to be the greatest thing ever written. But, because that’s fanfiction, she can rip it off all she wants with great impunity.

That said?

Jerkoff pulls her closer and she threatens him with Wardo again. JESUS, Bella, HE’S NOT SCARED OF WARDO!!!! He hears me, and grins in the face of her petty threats, telling her to simply ask him to kiss her. Right—if she asks for it, it’s not rape. See? That’s consent. We have what is supposed to be humorous banter, except it’s not, and especially so considering the subject matter. Bella says she likes him better as a wolf because he doesn’t talk, but, as usual, Jerkoff finds a way to twist those words as well, talking about how it’s just because she doesn’t “have to pretend that [she’s] not attracted to [him]”. Bella’s mouth falls open, and somehow, that…confirms what he said. Uh, moving on. He insists that she is aware of him “physically”. No, Jerkoff, she does not want a dicking from you. Even I can confirm that. She’s a horny bitch, yes, but she wants the popsicle, not the hotdog. Anyway. More pointless banter, Jerkoff leans in for a kiss, Bella threatens him with Wardo again, and he laughs at her. He arrogantly declares how he could easily kill Wardo if he wanted to, but “wouldn’t want to leave the Cullens one short”, which is a perfectly marvelous way to lead into Bella’s current angst! “The sudden, unexpected swell of shame distorted my expression.” Well, then I think somebody should adjust the rabbit ears on your set. Go cable, Bella—much easier. Jerkoff continues to blather on, unaware of what she’s thinking, and then sees her expressions and talks about how he was “only kidding” and is anxious that he hurt her feelings.


Bella then starts confessing that she did something “bad”, and that Wardo will not be fighting, but instead, will be camping with her. She babbles the exact same stuff that we had to hear her whine about two chapters ago, so I won’t repeat it. Jerkoff gets cranky at the thought of Bella not being able to live without Wardo, says that he “wouldn’t miss [the fight] for anything”, and that that totally “doesn’t mean that he loves [her] more than [Jacob does]”. I can agree to that. You both physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abuse her. You just have different methods. And different does not mean unequal! My grade school teacher taught me that.

Bella mentions that Jerkoff wouldn’t stay, so that means he doesn’t love her as much. I’m…not even going to bother with what happens next. It’s all about how great Bella is because she worries so much about the people she supposedly loves and Jerkoff manipulating her with another guilt trip, trying to get her to say she loves him. I’ll spare you, because I actually DO love you guys. When it doesn’t work, Jerkoff says that “it’s possible to love more than one person at a time” and that he’s “seen it in action”, the implication being that imprinting shit.

Yeah. Allow me to quote you, Jerkoff.

"It's not like that; you've got it all wrong," Jacob defended his friend, suddenly vehement. "I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all, not for Quil, not now." He took a deep breath, frustrated. "It's so hard to describe. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.

No. You have not “seen it in action”. Because you love absolutely nothing but the imprintee. Sam has no feelings for Leah. Sam’s loyalties do not ultimately lie with the tribe and the pack. No wolf who has imprinted has true loyalties to the pack.

I’m going to answer my own question before I ask it—yes, it is too much to ask for consistency in Meyer’s own canon, for she is far too busy fapping over herself and using her dream men fapping over her to fap over herself to bother with things like consistency.

The subject is abruptly closed (temporarily) when Jerkoff mentions he can smell Wardo. Good thing, too—the storm is quickly rolling in, all black and nasty. It also turns out that Jerkoff is staying with them for the night, and then going to the fight in the morning. No, this makes no sense, no, it is not done for any reason whatsoever, because it was Seth’s job, and he’s only taking over for tomorrow. I smell


And I know I smell it, because I know what’s coming up.

Bella asks if there is any way to get him to stay out of the fight, and he says no. He randomly mentions Sam as being in charge, with leads us into a whole huge discussion that is genuine


Pretty strong about it, too. Bella mentions that Wardo told her about how he’s second in command, but knows he was supposed to be the Alpha. He says he got second in command, even though he didn’t transform second, because of his lineage. Bella points out that, by that logic, he should be in charge. Jerkoff evades the question for a while, talking about how there is only one Alpha, this is seriously dragging, and FINALLY, we hit the point—YES, Jerkoff was supposed to be the Alpha, and was even offered the position, but he turned it down for no reason because he’s an irresponsible little prick who’d rather be assaulting the girl he claims to love because it’ll be so dramatic in Book IV when he’s forced into leadership because he “didn’t want to be some legendary chief”.

You know, the guy who only turns down leadership until it’s convenient for him to do so is hardly something to be impressed with.

And then the storm arrives. Well, hurrah. Wardo’s at the tent, and thanks Jerkoff for bringing him his property in one piece, and naturally, “his tone was unmistakably sincere”. Never mind that whole “I’m a fantastic liar” speech he gave in New Moon. No, he’s definitely so much more civil and wonderful, and Jerkoff’s just prejudiced against whitey and it is in no way reciprocated.

We end with Jerkoff reminding us that the storm is going to be terrible and then he goes into the forest to strip and turn into a werewolf.

See you guys next time in Chapter 22 – Fire and Ice.

Paul Count: 2

Nuke: Positive

Stinger: “"Think about it, Bella. According to you, you've kissed just one person—who isn't even really a person—in your whole life, and you're calling it quits? How do you know that's what you want? Shouldn't you play the field a little?"”

( Chapter 22 - Fire and Ice )

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