Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Eclipse: Chapter 20

1) Get your questions in!

2) I see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince at 7:30 tonight. I will read the reviews that popped up on my flist from the midnight showings and time differences when I get back.

3) And here is the latest chapter in the Eclipse recap. It was going along so well, and then I got mad again. Dammit. Most important thing, however, is that we’ve only got 113 pages and 40,000 words left until we’re done. That’s exciting. Let’s get started, then.

Chapter 20 – Compromise

So, we get a summary of what is going on. Bella’s going to be gone for two days, the concert tickets that we’d long forgotten about—the ones Alice predicted Bella would buy for her as a graduation gift about ten chapters ago—went to her “friends”, Charlie’s going to be at La Push with Billy, the two youngest werewolves (not gonna bother with names, because they aren’t gonna come up again and/or be any importance, guaranteed) will stay behind and protect La Push, and everything is set. I’m sure this would be interesting if I gave a damn.

Bella tells us how Wardo “requested” she calm down, so, naturally, as a subservient little wimmins, she intends to do her best to do as Her Man orders. Oh, Meyer phrases it in a romantic way, but, really, he’s just bossing her around as usual because they both get off on that. The subject is quickly changed to what Bella plans to do with their little night alone. First, she gives us a long speech about how she’s ready for vamping now (and damn if it doesn’t sound like that whole giving up the virginity thing again), and tells us all about how she has no more guilt or fear with regards to vamping, and spews off this crap: “The next time something came at us, I would be ready. An asset, not a liability. He would never have to make the choice between me and his family again. We would be partners, like Alice and Jasper. Next time, I would do my part. I would wait for the sword to be removed from over my head, so that Edward would be satisfied. But it wasn’t necessary. I was ready.

Right. I won’t mention the events of Breaking Dawn with relation to said sword. But I will mention that if she thinks she’s ever gonna be in an equal relationship with that controlling fucktard, she’s as delusional as a Harmonian after Half-Blood Prince. I will also mention that, if that is a reference to the Sword of Damocles, chalk one more up for Meyer taking stories better than her own and completely missing the entire point because she can’t even properly interpret Rice-a-Roni instructions. Although the actual moral of the story in relation to Bella here is actually very funny.

Anyway. Bella then declares that there is only one thing about humanity she doesn’t want to lose. I think you all know where this is going. If anybody here thought it might be maybe her family, what the hell have you been reading? I think we can all see what’s coming (*snerts at her own word choice*). But she still talks about it without mentioning it, hoping nobody will guess, because Meyer is an idiot.

Wardo and Bella are driving over to Casa Del Cullen, with Wardo being all patronizingly smiley at how slow Bella is driving. When they arrive at the house, Bella says, “As soon as I cut the engine he was at my door, opening it for me.” Again, Meyer—yes, you can blather on and on about how fast your vampires are, but how the hell do they defy simple laws of physics—such as being able to apparently soundlessly open and close the truck door there and not damage it? But no time for that—Wardo’s carrying Bella (because, as usual, the author gets off on that). They have a nice not-passionate kiss all the way to the door, and this is supposed to be sexy. It’s not. It’s drab, laundry-listed, boring, and full of the typical cliché phrases that populate so many other badly-written stories where the author is trying to be risqué or romantic. It does not excite me, and it does not interest me.

Bella says this with regards to Wardo actually being something more than a cold dead fish when it comes to intimacy (except, as I said up there, he could’ve fooled me): “I began to feel cautiously optimistic. Perhaps getting what I wanted would not be as difficult as I’d expected it to be.” Bella, when do you ever get what you want when it comes to Wardo? Or rather, I should say when do you ever get what you want if it is something Wardo doesn’t want for you? Fortunately, she agrees with me this time, and Wardo ceases the…whatever it was they were doing and whisks her upstairs to give her that hand-me-down mentioned earlier. Bella gets on the bed and tells him to “let [her] have it”, and I was in a sporking mood because I automatically tacked on, “And so he did, smacking her so hard she flew out the window.” Wardo sits down next to her after coming out of the closet with her gift (read what you will out of that), and Bella is flipping out with them in bed together. This is more of that patented


that Meyer is so fond of using. But, before Meyer can reveal what she is so subtly foreshadowing, he gives her the present.

I examined it cautiously. On the opposite side of the chain from the wolf, there now hung a brilliant heart-shaped crystal. It was cut in a million facets, so that even in the subdued light shining from the lamp, it sparkled. I inhaled in a low gasp.

"It was my mother's." He shrugged deprecatingly. "I inherited quite a few baubles like this. I've given some to Esme and Alice both. So, clearly, this is not a big deal in any way."

I smiled ruefully at his assurance.

"But I thought it was a good representation," he continued. "It's hard and cold." He laughed. "And it throws rainbows in the sunlight."

"You forgot the most important similarity," I murmured. "It’s beautiful."

"My heart is just as silent," he mused. "And it, too, is yours."

I twisted my wrist so the heart would glimmer. "Thank you. For both."

Well, here is my little list with regards to all that.

1) That was the most revoltingly sugary and sappy dialogue I have ever seen.
2) How the hell did you inherit all of your mother’s jewelry? You were DEAD.
3) I just adore the flippant, “Oh, I just have stuff like this lying around all over,” attitude he’s got regarding what is obviously a very expensive and very large diamond. Not to mention the fact that his oh-so-precious gift clearly meant nothing to him, so any attempt at sap and sentiment is lost.
4) And on that subject, no, Bella does not know that’s a diamond. Because she’s an idiot.
5) “Most important similarity”. Is that so, Bella. It’s always fun when Meyer accidentally writes in stuff that pretty much proves Bella’s only attached herself to Wardo because he’s hot.
6) What, may I ask, Meyer, is so sardonic about the fact that this piece of jewelry used to be his mother’s?
7) Yet again, Wardo and by extension Meyer lets us know that yes, you can buy happiness and memories and love. Because, obviously, Wardo is totally better than Jerkoff because of his gift. At least, that’s what Wardo thinks, and, considering Wardo is Meyer’s ideal man and Bella, as her self insert, never calls him out on any of this, it’s safe to say she feels the same way. I already discussed that with regards to her deathcycle, so I don’t think I need to go into that one again.
8) Look—it’s Airhead.

I pulled out my clock among other things. It was gold, with the numbers made of rubies, and emerald hands. It had been a present for getting my Hogwarts letter.

~ God I Hate That Ariana Black


“Oh my gosh Neville. Where did you get this?” she held up a silver heart-shaped locket, with a gold patterns laid into it.

~ Ariana’s Hidden Power, Chapter 11


Ariana opened it to find a silver ring, with an emerald heart set in it.

~ Ariana’s Sacrifice, Chapter 9


It looked like a normal trinket. A round silver plate, which looked a bit like a mirror, with tiny rubies, emeralds, and diamonds set around the edge. It looked like someone had put a small decorative mirror on a chain.

~ Ariana and the Empath’s Power, Chapter 17


Carefully, she opened the lid and found a note inside, resting over a beautiful necklace. On a delicate gold chain, there was a deep red ruby cut in the shape of a rose. Tiny emerald leaves framed it, and the stones glittered in the light.

~ Ariana and the Prophesy of Gaea, Chapter 15


“I promised to marry you someday, when I gave that to you. I’d like to keep that promise.” he said, opening the box. Inside was the most beautiful sapphire and pearl ring Ariana had ever seen. She gasped when she saw it glittering in the dim light.

~ Ariana and the Prophesy of Gaea, Chapter 18
In other words, it’s a bunch of overly-elaborate, impossibly intricate, and incredibly tacky gem-encrusted crap that both authors are obsessed with because they both wish to be showered with diamonds. Personally, I think that’s ultimately what the sparkling is—Meyer places so much on material wealth, it wasn’t enough to eventually have a fantasy marriage with a guy who could buy whatever he wants and can bury her him gemstones—no, she will not be satisfied until she is actually made of diamonds.

Moving on.

Wardo is all mocking towards her for no reason after she expresses gratitude in the form of gushing all over him, telling her she’d better get used to accepting his gifts, as this is probably going to be the first of many. Because Meyer totally gets off on the idea of a guy who can buy her anything, but she has to make Bella seem humble, so that’s why she writes her as “conflicted” with regards to the presents. Meyer, if Bella was truly conflicted, she wouldn’t accept it. But A) this is all a front to make the audience believe she’s humble and simple, B) she’s an utter doormat who can’t tell Wardo no, and C) every time he thrusts something new and gaudy into her hands, she marvels at its beauty and costliness before immediately accepting it and gushing over it.

Bella opts not to comment on his remarks, instead leaning over and attaching herself to him. She says that “it probably felt similar to snuggling with Michelangelo’s David”. In other words, it felt gay. Bella then decides now is a good time to make her request. She opens with, “Can we discuss something? I’d appreciate it if you could begin by being open-minded.” And Wardo’s response is written such that everybody involved acknowledges that most of the time, he isn’t. That’s lovely. Meyer, I’m a blonde—believe me, you are not making me feel any kind of jealousy by making that dickweed falling for the brunette. Bella talks about negotiation and compromise—what compromise?! There is none! Ever!—and is discussing this whole situation as if it were a business deal. Considering what she is attempting to discuss, I’ll just say she is negotiating a merger. Wardo spouts some disgustingness about her heartbeat. Seriously, guys—Meyer is drawing this out for an unbelievably long time and it is irritating me. So I’m not gonna put up a pretense anymore and just kick Bella in the pants.


It’s not that hard (well, it would be, if Wardo wasn’t a gay, impotent, uptight prissy vampire). Stop dancing around the subject. I know you’re a virgin, and I know you’re nervous, except you are not portraying it realistically at this point. This is merely you trying to manipulate him—AGAIN—into basically saying that he wants to “do it”.

Bella does not listen to me. Instead, she starts talking about whether or not she can negotiate her merger on the back of the marriage condition that Wardo has imposed on her. Wardo pompously declares his “concession” with regards to vamping her is way bigger than anything else, and as such, she owes him. Uh, Bella? If you want to avoid the marriage, just have Carlisle turn you. You were perfectly fine with begging Alice to do it one book ago. But Bella handwaves that and asks what Wardo wants in particular. She balks when she learns it’s not just marriage he wants. Oh no. He wants to send her off to Dartmouth, make her accept any amount of money he wants to throw at her, make her spend more time as a human, and to buy her a ridiculously expensive car. In other words, he just said he wants to control even more of what she does and has.

You know, a lot of people said that the controlling what the woman spends option on that list of points outlining signs of abuse didn’t apply to Wardo. He got every single one except that one. I say bull on that. He just reverses it—he doesn’t limit what she spends. He simply makes her accept his gifts and spend as much money as possible. By God, she is going to be pretentious and rich as fuck and she has no choice in the matter. I guess this is yet another of Meyer’s attempts to make sure her avatar is somehow humble. See? She doesn’t WANT to be pretentious and flaunt her wealth. Poor, poor Bella—forced to live the life of an impossibly wealthy and ostentatious socialite. Whatever shall she do.

Hmm. Yeah, I’ll do it. Just in case.

Because I think you all already know how I feel about Meyer’s materialistic views on everything. Paul sums it up beautifully, as usual.

Bella talks about how worried she is with regards to vamping—specifically, about how she’s going to change. The bad parts—you know, the parts she hasn’t thought about once during this whole endeavor. She talks about how worried she is that she won’t want the sparklepeen when she gets turned, as she’ll be rather preoccupied with wanting to drink blood. Wardo assures her that it’ll fade, and Bella declares that “he was missing the point”. Well, you see, Bella, you haven’t actually gotten to a point that he can miss. And frankly, even if you had, I don’t see how he would’ve missed it. He just told you that the bloodlust leaves, and you calm down and relax. Just look at him and his family—they show pretty much no signs of wanting to eat anybody. Bella starts really ramping up the melodrama, talking about how she wants to do something before being turned, and flat-out admits that she’s trying to manipulate and “trap him” into agreeing to what she wants. Bella, you forget something important. Wardo can manipulate and twist you into doing what he wants for two reasons.

1) You’re a doormat.
2) Even if you do stand up for yourself, he’s a million times stronger than you and can easily force you into it.

Wardo, who is gay, has no idea what Bella’s talking about. I mean, she’s been very obvious that she’s talking about sex and he hasn’t caught on yet—that, or he’s deliberately ignoring it. Meyer writes in something faintly realistic, about how Bella’s got absolutely no idea how to go about being all seductive (it’s impossible, sweetie, even if you were Salome herself—you’re distinctly female, and he’s not into that), and then out of nowhere has her little avatar attempt to jump his cold dead bones and tear his clothes off.

Well, Wardo hasn’t shat a brick in a while, so he promptly does so, tossing her away from him and scolding her like a wayward child. She whines at him, and he tells her that he’s totally gay they are “not having this discussion”. Bella promptly tries to tear her OWN clothes off, which Wardo is quick to put a stop to as well. Bella immediately starts whining again, making a halfway valid point about how Wardo is allowed to demand whatever he wants of her but she can’t ask for anything in return (oh, you just now catching on, eh? Thanks for joining us, Einstein), and he actively shuts her up with his hand. No, he doesn’t hit her—he just grabs her mouth.

And so what is Bella’s immediate thought from this situation? Her immediate reaction to Wardo, the same guy who’s got a chastity belt on, has never had an erection, never jerked off, never kissed her with more than maybe a little tiny lick or two on her closed mouth, refusing to go through with the sexytimes?

Yep, you guessed it.


That is exactly what I wanted to see during this particular scene.

Wardo asks why she’s quite obviously upset and she pretends to bravely carry on so he’ll sweep her up in his arms and comfort her—which he does. He informs her that he does so want her—I fail to see any evidence, considering your nads tend to withdraw up into your pelvis at the mere sight of a girl—and she doubts his claim. So Meyer dumps this on us:

"Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl." He laughed once, and then his voice was bleak. "Doesn't everyone? I feel like there's a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake… You're too desirable for your own good."

"Who's being silly now?" I doubted if awkward, self-conscious, and inept added up to desirable in anyone's book.

"Do I have to send a petition around to get you to believe? Shall I tell you whose names would be on the top of the list? You know a few of them, but some might surprise you."

Thanks for that.

1) Any time you’re done masturbating to your own beauty via your imaginary dreamboat, Meyer, we’d like to get on with the story.
2) “Jockeying for position”, written during this particular scene and in relation to everybody wanting to plunder the treasures of Bella’s love box—just a bad choice all around, Meyer.
3) Your boyfriend. Reads. Minds. He KNOWS what people are thinking. There’s a certain point where I stop relating to the self-deprecation and call bullshit. This is that point.
4) Personally, I doubt bitchy, selfish, arrogant, overly-dramatic, whiny, insufferable, manipulative, abusive, petty, shallow, and sociopathic add up to desirable, but that doesn’t stop anybody in this blasted series—so why should they care about those three traits?
5) For those who do not know? Meyer sort of told people about that long list of men slobbering after Bella (i.e., her). And she neglected to mention that the surprise would be an unpleasant one.

Most of the boys at school, of course you know about Mike and Tyler and that, and uhm, the one that is on the list that she would be surprised about was the one that was kind of inappropriate, and that was the biology teacher Mr. Banner. Very bad.
And with that in mind, it should come no surprise to learn that the original reason Bella was set to leave Phoenix for Forks was because her new stepdad was coming on to her.

Bella is not to be deterred from her ultimate goal of a cold salami hot beef injection, and immediately brings the subject back around to said injection. She lists his demands again, and calls it a “hefty list”. Actually, it’s not—only one of those, the marriage nonsense, is in any way “hefty”. The car thing is just more of that ostentatious crap he’s trying to force on you, the more time issue is part of that weird, twisted belief in souls he’s got, but could be argued that he’s trying desperately not to damn you to Hell, and as for the tuition part, does it matter now or later, Bella? All of the Cullens have repeatedly gone to college (impossible though that may be). Why so drama queen over that one, particularly because, due to your wording, it merely makes you sound like an ungrateful little shit?

Well, after listing all those, they have…this conversation. I tried repeatedly to sum it up, but…well, see for yourself.

"Only the first is a demand." He seemed to be having a hard time keeping a straight face. "The others are merely requests."

"And my lone, solitary little demand is—"

"Demand?" he interrupted, suddenly serious again.

"Yes, demand."

His eyes narrowed.

"Getting married is a stretch for me. I'm not giving in unless I get something in return."

He leaned down to whisper in my ear. "No," he murmured silkily. "It's not possible now. Later, when you're less breakable. Be patient, Bella."

I…really have very little to say with regards to that. ‘Cept this.

Ah, much better.

Bella keeps whining that she won’t be the same person after she’s turned, Wardo keeps reassuring her that she will be, sneaks in a racist remark with regards to Jerkoff, and Bella continues to whine that she won’t be the same person because she’ll want to drink blood, Wardo continues to reassure her that she will, and then she whines that she doesn’t wanna wait eighty years to calm down.

*throws up her hands* Bella, you idiot, he’s telling you that you’ll be the same, you calm down after a year or two, he’s a 108-year-old vampire and the one who turned him is over 300 years old and has no reaction whatsoever to blood anymore AND FOR CHRIST’S SAKE YOU ARE GONNA BE FUCKING IMMORTAL AND HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????!!!!!!!!!


Bella again tries to put the moves on him and he shows a TINY bit of maybe what could be a hint of feeling the slightest bit of desire towards her, and decides to do the “I Could Kill Bella” dance instead. She disagrees, so he rips part of the bed off and turns the wrought iron to powder. Thank you. Bella says that he wouldn’t hurt her during sex because he looooooooooooves her so much he’d keep control of himself.

Question—why do vampires go nuts during sex in the first place? You’ve sterilized the vampire biting = sex metaphor completely. Far as I can tell, this is pretty much just Meyer secretly wanting to have rough-and-tumble sex, but apparently doesn’t get it much.

Wardo continues to say it’s too risky, and she continues to say that, because they don’t KNOW he will kill her, that means it’s okay to go ahead and do the bump. Wardo’s “face was torn”, and again, the sporking side came up—torn clean off, I say. Bella grabs hold of that immediately and starts babbling about what she wants to promise him and says she’ll do anything he wants just to get some of that ding-dong and is pretty much begging at this point, and you just know Wardo is having the grandest time with this, even though he is pretending not to. We have a total, “his mouth says ‘no no’ but his eyes say ‘yes yes’” moment from Bella—you’ve taught her well, Jerkoff—and they kind of sort of not really no not at all assault each other and again, it’s supposed to be sexy, but I’m rather more interested in watching PJ right now, and he’s licking his own butt. You lick that butt, PJ.

Bella again starts trying to get the clothes off and Wardo immediately says HELLZ NO, and then has his moment of brilliance. He’s tried everything to get Bella to marry him, right? Well, here’s the ultimate. Bella’s desperate for sexy times. And he says no sex before marriage, complete with this baffling line: “That’s the deal—take it or leave it. Compromise, remember?

That…doesn’t work, Wardo.

But his not-at-all-dear-God-this-is-boring kissing apparently does, and he’s again attempting to make her do what he wants—she even describes it as “coercion”. And at this point, now I’m so uninterested I’m watching Buzz, and she’s completely asleep next to PJ, who is now licking his foot. What a cute little black sausage. Right, right—recap.


"How did this happen?" I grumbled. "I thought I was holding my own tonight—for once—and now, all of a sudden—"

"You're engaged," he finished.

"Ew! Please don't say that out loud."

"Are you going back on your word?" he demanded. He pulled away to read my face. His expression was entertained. He was having fun.

I’m…totally baffled. There’s no word to go back on—she never agreed. I read through it three times looking for where she agreed to marry him for some human/vampire coitus, and she never did. It so confused me that I didn’t even bother getting mad at this whole situation, what with her obviously very, very opposed to getting married and hating it and being miserable and him just so delighted by her unhappiness.

Well, now that I said it, of course…

Bella spouts off another “ugh” (GODDAMMIT), and says that she is pretty much very, very unhappy. Wardo just laughs at her, and then says how very odd it is that he’s the one wanting to wait for marriage and she’s the one wanting premarital boinking. Right, because all guys want to get into a girl’s panties without that troublesome marriage in the way. Isn’t Wardo just so much better than all those nasty guys in the real world? Suck my nonexistent dick, Meyer.

Sands: You yelled at me for that!

Mervin: That’s because you actually have one and you meant it. Get out of here—I wasn’t allowed in your recaps, you aren’t allowed in mine.

Bella again starts to wheedle for some sex, saying that because she agreed, she should get some now. He says no. Again. You know what this whole scene reads like?

*points and laughs*

Meyer then spouts another very telling line: “You always win.” Yes, Bella. We know. BECAUSE YOU LET HIM. Invest in a vibrator, my dear. Wardo says that he promises to sex her all up ONLY after marriage. Then we get this.

I shook my head, and laughed glumly. "You make me feel like a villain in a melodrama—twirling my mustache while I try to steal some poor girl's virtue."


That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Not only did she insert the very description applicable to pretty much every single villain she has, but she just called Wardo a girl. That’s almost as awesome as Jerkoff calling Wardo controlling and abusive.

Bella then starts laughing at him when she realizes he is “trying to protect [his] virtue”. He claims it’s not—he says he’s trying to protect hers, rather. She tells him that’s stupid. Hear, hear. Wardo spouts off more of that nonsense regarding the fact that he thinks he has no soul and no shot at heaven, and that he wants to follow human rules as well as vampire rules—so, basically, Bella and Wardo just said that morals and belief systems and, well, anything about right and wrong? Those are human traditions. Vampires are above that. Don’t believe me? Wardo says it’s too late for him:

"'Thou shalt not kill' is commonly accepted by most major belief systems. And I've killed a lot of people, Bella."

"Only the bad ones."

He shrugged. "Maybe that counts, maybe it doesn't. But you haven't killed anyone—"

"That you know about," I muttered.

He smiled, but otherwise ignored the interruption. "And I'm going to do my best to keep you out of temptation's way."

These people are freaks. Psychotic, unfeeling, unsympathetic, sociopathic, murdering, blood-thirsty freaks. That’s really all I can bring myself to say on that subject, otherwise, we’ll be here all night.

Wardo continues babbling on about how he doesn’t want to break that one rule with regards to virtue, Bella somehow implies that because she lies, that means it’s okay for him to do that, no, I have no idea what is going on, my God, END. *sticks face in PJ’s hairy belly*

I’m skipping. Sum up—Wardo won’t sex Bella up until they are married, because he controls every aspect of their relationship.

Bella blathers mentally about how she is not gonna be able to bear the gossip with relation to her getting married right out of high school, complete with an “ugh” (GODDAMMIT). She brings up the fact that…dude, what does it matter, because you are gonna vanish off the face of the Earth directly afterwards. She states the obvious: “Was I really so oversensitive that I couldn’t bear a few weeks of sidelong glances and leading questions?


And that’s when Wardo gets creepy.

Edward interrupted my fretting. "It doesn't have to be a big production. I don't need any fanfare. You won't have to tell anyone or make any changes. We'll go to Vegas—you can wear old jeans and we'll go to the chapel with the drive-through window. I just want it to be official—that you belong to me and no one else."

Really. Really. Creepy. So creepy, in fact, that I retreated back over to the PJ-gut for a short hiatus and some kitty-comfort.

Wardo says he’s got the ring ready, asks if she wants to see it, she freaks out, and he guilts her right into changing her mind, complete with refusing to show her just so she’ll beg. Kind of like Sands refusing to finish Snape off in “Foul Play” until he said please. I see a similarity, here. Both are arrogant jackasses who get off on themselves along with humiliating their “partner” by reducing them to begging. But there the similarity ends, because “Foul Play” gave me happy panties and this is about as exciting as an unsalted peanut.

Wardo collects the ring after sufficient pleading, and just because you called it “illogical” does not make it acceptable, Meyer—the utter ridiculousness of her freak-out over this situation is grating. If she genuinely had gametophobia, I’d buy it. This is just forced, stupid, and your response to people saying there is no conflict. Shoehorning in something as stupid as this is not conflict, pinhead.

Well, Bella spends a whole page opening the damned box, and we finally get a good look at what used to be the wedding ring Wardo’s mom wore.

Nestled into the black satin, Elizabeth Masen's ring sparkled in the dim light. The face was a long oval, set with slanting rows of glittering round stones. The band was gold—delicate and narrow. The gold made a fragile web around the diamonds. I'd never seen anything like it.

Never seen anything like it, huh?

In order, Macy’s, Sears, Bogart’s Jewellery, Gifts.Com, and Palm Beach Jewelry.

Well. Obviously, it is SO old-fashioned and unique. Not to mention just one more tacky, nouveau-riche, gem-encrusted piece of crap Meyer has littered these stories with since the start. Not to mention that that type of ring is actually quite “in” these days, because, with regards to cost, that type of ring is actually cheaper. Small stones are typically of lower quality than bigger ones, as they are much easier to acquire.

You’re showing your nouveau-riche panties again, Meyer.

Bella talks about how lovely it is, but still pretending to be uninterested. Wardo suggests she try it on, and she flips out AGAIN (this is getting irritating), but tries it on anyway. Oh, look, perfect fit. La. Wardo does a victory dance—Meyer tries to say it’s mostly joy, but it’s not, he’s pleased he’s yet again put Bella firmly in her place.

And I’m not gonna recap the last page. Wardo formally proposes, it is the stupidest thing ever, I don’t care, because dammit, I finally finished this freakin’ chapter.

Thus I begin why this whole thing, this whole scenario, this whole situation, is so infuriating I pretty much have already lost that Sands-induced mellow I had a chapter ago.

To start? I don’t know who I hate more right now. In one corner, there is Wardo. He pretty much guarantees himself control over every aspect of her life in one single chapter by using one of Bella’s desires against her. He now controls where she goes to college, when she goes to college, what kind of car she drives, how much money she spends, what she wears, when she gets married, and when and how she gets to have sex. He knows she wants two things—for him to change her and to have sex with him before she is changed because she’s an idiot and for some reason believes that she will never, ever have the same level of desire for Wardo that she does now (do you not pay any attention to the other vampire relationships in this story? Oh, right—no, you don’t). And his immediate reaction is swift and calculated manipulation to force her to do not what she wants, but what he wants. So once again, what Bella wants pretty much has no bearing on what he does—no, anything and everything he does with regards to his supposed One True Love Forever and Ever Sealed in the Temple for Time and All Eternity is about what he wants. She gets no say whatsoever in this relationship. Even sicker, he spends most of the chapter making her beg. He actively enjoys twisting her emotions so that she is begging him for stuff she doesn’t want, so he can absolve himself completely of any accusations of forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do. “See? She asked for it—I’m not a controlling asshole because she obviously wants it.” He’s no better than Jerkoff.

Of course, in another corner, there’s Bella. It really doesn’t matter where anybody else’s views on the subject lie—Wardo obviously does not believe in sex before marriage. Plenty of people believe in that sort of thing, whether it be religious or other reasons. I don’t understand Wardo’s reasons in the slightest, but we’ll ignore that. Point is this—he does not want to have sex before marriage. And Bella pretty much refuses to acknowledge this. In fact, she ridicules and mocks him for believing in chastity, laughing in his face about his so-called virtue (we all know he has none, but work with me, here). She is pretty much attempting to belittle him into giving in. And then there is the begging itself—saying that he owes her sex for all of the demands and limitations he puts on her. You know, I don’t care HOW controlling he is—nobody EVER owes ANYBODY sex. Yet again, Meyer is finding ways to strike personal and enraging notes with me, because that right there is pretty much straight out of a date-rapist’s handbook. “Look at all the stuff I’ve done for you—you OWE me!” Completing her picture is the whole reason she wants the sex in the first place. She is going to be immortal, she sees the other vampires around her and notices that they are fine, sees that Carlisle can be around blood all day long and is not affected, sees the relationships that the other vampires have, hears about how they, as awesome Sparkly White Is Right Mormon Vampires, have relationships ten times better and more passionate and deeper than any pathetic human relationship, but she is foot-stomping because she might have to wait a couple of years before wanting blood less. Also consider that sex is the one human thing she doesn’t want to give up. Her parents? Her friends? Being able to taste food? Being able to sleep? Being able to live a normal life? Being able to walk in the sunlight without fear of somebody seeing you? Living without fear of doing something wrong to cause the vampire leaders to sweep in and kill you? Pretty much all those things she knows and has lived with as long as she’s been alive? Nope—all that can go to hell. She wants something she’s never even felt before in her entire life.

And in the third corner of this triangle, we’ve got Meyer herself. Thanks, Meyer—thanks for writing a sex-starved woman who needs a Big Strong Man to rein her in and make sure she doesn’t sully her virtue. Thanks for writing women as eager to be what you view is promiscuous, but so long as they’ve got a caretaker, they’ll be saved from Hell and damnation. Thanks for writing that, if a woman has sex before marriage, she’s viewed as having no virtue. Thanks for saying that all guys want sex before marriage and only girls even consider not sleeping with anybody before marriage. Thanks for writing Bella’s attempt at getting sex as though she were offering herself up as a virgin sacrifice, sounding something like Neil and his writing of women referring to their virginity as a “gift” that they long to give to a man (specifically, him) for their whole lives. Thanks for writing that, if you are an unapologetic and prolific serial killer who ate his victims but maintain your so-called virtue and stay chaste until you are married to your One True Love, you are so much better than anyone who has ever slept with someone outside of marriage and are therefore guaranteed a place in Heaven. Yeah, thanks for all of that.

Lastly, buried under all of these horrible messages she’s sending to her readers, she included one that’s a little less obvious, but there all the same. Bella honestly thought she was gonna get her way. She honestly thought she was gonna get some sex. She thought it through, made her decision, planned her “assault”, as it were—this was not a spontaneous and impulsive moment. This was hardly emotional. It was described as if it were a tactical strike. But, for all the planning here, I must say, there was no mention of any kind of contraceptive. You can argue that she thinks vampires can’t have children, but Rosalie said nothing about male vampires not being able to have kids—Rosalie only wanted Bella to remain human so she could have children, and knew for a fact that Wardo was the only man she would ever sleep with.

All in all?

Yeah. Thanks for that chapter, Meyer. Really. I was so calm and collected, too. *sigh*

Paul Count: 5

Stinger: “I shook my head, and laughed glumly. "You make me feel like a villain in a melodrama—twirling my mustache while I try to steal some poor girl's virtue."”

( Chapter 21 - Trials )

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  • Update time.

    So, this is my life so far from the last post. So frickin' much. Firstly, tomorrow my new roommate moves in. Yep, much sooner than anticipated. I…

  • Update.

    Bobby, my best bud, is home now. The infection got worse before it got better, but he is now out of the hospital and on the road to recovery. He says…

  • Update.

    The infection got worse; he had another surgery today, and now his oxygen levels keep going all over the place, so they have moved him to the ICU and…