Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Midnight Sun: Chapter 9

Well, while you wait for my sporking of Eclipse, why don't you see the fruits of Hyde's labors? She finished another chapter of Midnight Sun for your enjoyment. She doesn't have very much left to go! Cheer her on, folks--she needs it.

Chapter 9: Port Angeles

All-righty, then. Back to Midnight Sun!

From the chapter title, you can all see that we’re back to a chapter that directly corresponds to one in Twilight. And said chapter title already tells us all that we know what’s coming up next. Strap in, everyone.

So, we pick up right where we left off, with our anti-intrepid hero racing to Port Angeles to stalk Bella, ostensibly defending her from the looming threat of Jasper’s vampire buddies who are, in fact, going the opposite direction. Right.

There is, shockingly, a nod to her own canon, in that Wardo is skulking off in an empty driveway rather than drive into town because it’s too bright out—can’t risk a public sparkling. But then SMeyer contradicts herself with it immediately, saying that he does have tinted windows, but that’s not dark enough—in direct opposition to her tinted window excuse for when Alice and Jasper are freaking driving through Phoenix, AZ in broad daylight.

Anyway, Wardo is lurking in the bushes and using his Powahs to run through everyone’s minds to find Bella. Jessica the Scary Sue’s thoughts are loud and easy to find (because she’s loud and she sucks, just in case anyone forgot that). She’s being vain and bitchy and shallow, of course, because that’s what an SS does, looking at herself in a mirror as she tries on dresses for the dance and being mean to Bella and bitching over whether or not Mike likes her or Bella more and being all suspicious of Bella’s opinion, thinking that she’s deliberately sabotaging her appearance for no good reason.

Wardo is swiftly tired of listening to that crap, as am I, albeit for different reasons, and he hops over into Angela’s head—oops, but she’s in the dressing room, so he’s all chivalrous and looks away.


Well, Wardo reassures himself that even Bella couldn’t get into trouble in a department store, and so he looks off and waits impatiently for sunset and the clouds that are rolling in, because that means it’ll be cloudy tomorrow and he can once again “monopolize her attention at lunch”. Because cutting her off from her other friends clearly means that you care. But it’s okay, Wardo—later on, she’ll be doing this on her own so you won’t have to.

He sits there for I don’t know how long, but it’s all lumped into two paragraphs, during which he is a condescending and controlling asshole, hoping to be there to see Bella’s reaction to Tyler’s pseudo invitation to prom so he can laugh at her, and pondering asking Alice to come visit him so he can have an excuse to sit in and spy on Bella at their restaurant under the pretext of eating as well—but quickly decides against that, because then “she would also want to talk to Bella”, and, well, he just can’t allow that. Bella is only allowed to talk to him.

Well, for all this time, despite shadowing her for every minute of every day previous, Wardo has conveniently forgotten to watch Bella here. So, when he peeps back in on Jessica—gaspshock, Bella isn’t there! The other two girls are of course, obsessing over this, complete with some totally random insertion of Wardo for absolutely no reason, as well as Jessica being a bitch about Bella, and mention that she’s gone to a bookstore, and Wardo immediately starts getting panicky.

Well, the sun is apparently low enough now—or Bella is just worth the risk, whatever—for him to drive into town and stalk her some more. He drives all around and finds a bookstore, but it’s all “too new age for a practical person”. We needed to hear that, since we hadn’t had an assurance of Bella’s many virtues in this chapter yet.

There is a perfectly and conveniently placed path of shade to the store, so Wardo gets out and sniffs for Bella—since he knows what her panties smell like—but no soap, she isn’t there and hasn’t been there. He is totally rude and blows off the clerk and runs back outside to sniff some more, but her trail goes off into the sunlight, and SMeyer tosses in some stupid angst to the effect that oh, he feels so limited and inhuman by the sparkles. If he spontaneously combusted, I’d buy that, but not here, SMeyer, sorry—you’re written you precious sparklepires as pretty much totally without limits, so your attempt at angst falls flat with me.

So Wardo minces back to his car and drives around and tries to smell her out.

He drives all around town, back by the restaurant (Jessica and Angela have apparently teleported there, and Jessica is being a bitch about Bella and wants to just eat without her) and to other bookstores. But oh, dear, he can’t find her, whatever shall he do? Why, root around in other people’s heads, that’s what! So he does just that, and still can’t find her, and is quite creepy by curtly expressing his displeasure with her behavior—I’m sure he’ll have to punish her later.

He’s getting more and more wound up, whining about being helpless because of the sunlight and counting the seconds until the sun goes down and he can take a more active approach to stalking her. He tosses out this line as well:

Just a few more minutes, and then the advantage would be mine again and it would be the human world that was powerless.

I had some seriously mixed feelings about that line, largely culminating in me being pissed off. Seriously—that right there was an honest-to-goodness vampire thought. None of the angel marble cupcake Adonis sparklepire crap—that was something an undead bloodsucking fiend would think. And as a standalone? That was good. That was an honestly good line for a vampire novel.

But no, it wasn’t Dracula or Count Orlock or even Varney who said that—it was in fact coming from one of the angel marble cupcake Adonis sparklepires—and not just any sparklepire, but one of the Unique and Special Snowflake Mormon Cullens. And after that, SMeyer expects be to believe that they are “good” vampires with consciences who don’t eat humans because they think it’s wrong and don’t like being vampires and wish that they could be human again?

Get bent, SMeyer. And you missed a comma. Bitch.

Anyway, Wardo rummages through all the “trivial” thoughts of all the stupid useless humans until finally, a ha! He’s found her! She’s off walking down a dark alley away from all the people, because she’s smart and practical like that. He is relieved that he has once again found the object of his obsession for all of a second until—DUN DUN DUN. He realized that the man whose head he is in “is familiar to [him]. [He] had once hunted exactly such minds.” Meaning—it’s a bad guy. Since, you know, Wardo has the right to decide who is good and who is bad.

Unsurprisingly, Wardo pitches a grand mal hissy right there in his car and slams on the gas to drive to her rescue. Being the smooth operator that he is, he is doing this without knowing exactly where she is, so he mind-rapes everyone else in the immediate vicinity to try and figure out where to go.

He goes peeling all through the streets like a madman—no cops to be seen, apparently, and don’t try and tell me that he was using his mind to avoid them, because he is clearly not thinking about that—and is frothing at the mouth and snarling and “the sound of [his] growls shook the frame of the car”, and I might be confused as to exactly how the hell that could work if I wasn’t getting the image of RPattz doing his so-not-scary dramatic prairie dog from that scene in the movie and laughing my ass off.


So we get this recounting of all the mean old men coming after Wardo’s property Bella. Lonnie is the ringleader, and the rest of them are all stupid and drunk and apparently have no idea what is going on, and Lonnie is totally about to go rape o’clock on Bella (although he has to pause to let us know that Bella is clearly brave for standing there with her thumb up her butt while they come for her), and it would not be the first time he’s done this, either, and once again, this scene does have potential for drama, but, as it is written in that same dry, boring, pompous style as usual…I have trouble working up much enthusiasm. Particularly when we hear about Lonnie liking the way Bella cringes—because it really does sound too much like WARDO, with the way he likes seeing her do what he says, etc. ARE YOU LISTENING, SMEYER?

So Wardo is driving like a complete maniac and never caught, Lonnie’s mental dialogue is extremely dry and stupid, Bella is literally stupid and is just standing there like a deer in the headlights (and we’re still supposed to think this is bravery—man, even though KStew was half-asleep through the whole movie, at least she DID something in this scene), and then Wardo says this:

I was a block away; the monster could hear the roar of my engine now, but he paid no attention, too intent on his victim.

I would see how he enjoyed the hunt when he was the prey. I would see what he thought of my style of hunting.

In another compartment of my head, I was already sorting through the range of tortures I’d born witness to in my vigilante days, searching for the most painful of them. He would suffer for this. He would writhe in agony. The others would merely die for their part, but the monster named Lonnie would beg for death long before I would give him that gift.

Okay. Let’s deconstruct that delightful little piece of narration, shall we?

First off, the obvious—see what I mean about the dry and toneless narration? This is the dramatic lead him to the Knight in the Shining Volvo riding to the rescue! And it’s…boring. Flat, no emotion, no sense of urgency…nothing. Just dull.

Second: SMeyer—Wardo is SO not sorry for said “vigilante days”. He has expressed no remorse, no hesitation at the thought of killing them all, no indication that he is sorry for hunting people, even if they were people like this—in fact, his complete disgust and outrage over them for daring to touch his property indicates to me that he hasn’t changed a bit from those days, that he had no problem hunting them then, and that he’d have no problem starting back up again—that he only stopped so Carlisle would think well of him and so he could be a smug bastard about it.

And lastly—I don’t know if this is simply writing fail, or if it’s outright character fail, but see that cold and analytical way he’s going about cataloguing what he’s going to do to these people, Lonnie in particular—literally compartmentalizing his actions? Those are not the thoughts of someone about to commit a crime of passion, of a man driven wild by fear and anger and concern. Oh, no—that is cold-blooded and premeditated murder, SMeyer—and that is not romantic. So, is it just because you suck at writing, that your flat and emotionless style makes Wardo sound like this? Or do you really think it’s hot for your ideal man to go totally David Parker Ray on the asses of men who bother your SI?

Well, anyway—Wardo comes careening around the corner, and the Volvo of Great Justice has arrived! He spins around, deliberately not hitting the ringleader—even though he could have—not because it would be murder, but because “that was too easy a death for him”, how charming, and throws open the door for Bella. I don’t know about you, honey, but after listening to Wardo’s thoughts on yaoi the situation, I’d actually be debating taking my chances with the boys in the alley.

Not so Bella, however—she jumps right in the car, no questions asked (just the way Wardo likes it), and then I just about vomited all over myself when she does, because she “looked up at [him] with the most trustful expression [he] had ever seen on a human face, and all of [his] violent plans crumbled”.

That just…is awful. I know it’s supposed to be True Love and whatever else, but it is just so icky with these two—more of that creepy father/daughter aspect of their relationship, the sick, obsessive need for Wardo to protect and shield his Precious Snowflake, Bella being a complete and utter doormat who is perfectly willing to do whatever Wardo tells her in any situation—not to him mention somehow managing to come off as condescending towards humans again. So I’m just going to go on.

Well, no, I’m not—because Wardo isn’t. He fusses and frets, is actually upset that he can’t go kill all those people, because that would not be in keeping with the spirit of making sure that Bella is wrapped up away and safe from all harm—yeah, that doesn’t reek of “You guys are lucky my girlfriend is here, or you’d be so dead,” or anything. But he can’t even let her go and then go back after them, because after all she’s a huge Sue and if he isn’t there to protect her, more bad guys will get her—because “like a magnet, she drew all things dangerous toward herself. [He] could not let her out of [his] sight.

Yeah. Like I needed more reminded of the Sue “Everything you can do I can do better” routine, on top of Wardo being creepily stalkery. Not to mention that just before that he was ranting in anger to himself that the reason he couldn’t go take these guys out is because Bella wouldn’t do what he told her to do. Because it’s always the woman’s fault. And, on top of that, more C&P crap—Bella calls herself a danger magnet, so naturally, Wardo has to as well.

So he speeds off, and yet is still thinking about killing these people. And I’m serious, guys—he’s going to kill them—violently—and like it. And this guy has the nerve to be rude to and contemptuous of Rosalie for doing the exact same thing to the people who raped and murdered her?


I do not like this, and I do not like him. This is not a good character trait. If it was meant to be negative, I’d be all for it—but it’s not. This is romance, remember? See? He’s not going back there to kill those guys, even though he “has to”. He’s going to wait for it, because precious little Bella is there, and she will of course get the vapors if he does.

So he is thoroughly creepy, ordering her around, demanding that she put on her seatbelt (she complies immediately, of course, like the good little wimmins she is).

I just want to toss out there that he mentions that his voice is “rough with hate and bloodlust”. He then goes on to say that he doesn’t mean the hunger kind of bloodlust—no, he isn’t going to “sully” his perfect Mormon sparklies by eating Lonnie.

…which just means that any and all excuses that he may have ever had, of being driven mad by blood, of not knowing what he was doing, of not meaning to hurt people, etc, just went sailing right out the window. That he is intending to “peel him slowly apart” strictly for revenge and his own amusement, and wouldn’t at all be tempted by fresh and flowing blood.

Fail, SMeyer. Your Sparkly Right Is White Mormon vampires are a bunch of psychopathic murderers—and Wardo here is one of the worst.

Then I did a double-take at the bit about “sullying” himself. And my slash-mind went into overdrive, because this is that sentence in its entirety:

I would not sully myself by taking any part of that man inside of me.


“Surprise!” Lonnie said, as he boned young Wardo up the ass.

Is that more Mormon propaganda in disguise, I wonder?

Does SMeyer have even the slightest idea of what she is writing? Oh, no—she doesn’t actually think about what she’s writing—and it shows!

Moving on.

Oh, wait—one other, more serious thing before I move on from this bit: SMeyer, you want me to believe that in this scene Wardo is driven by panic, by terror for Bella’s safety, etc…and yet I see no mention of any sort of relief that she’s safe now. All he’s thinking about is how he’s going to brutally torture and murder these people for getting too near his property—for making him angry. Yep—once again, SMeyer’s True Love is toppled by the fact that during this dramatic and romantic scene, Wardo is only thinking of himself.

And, since Bella only defines herself by her man, she’s thinking of him too and wants to know if he’s okay. Yes, she’s so brave and selfless, gag. And Wardo’s reaction is extremely telling—he’s all stunned to think that she’s asking him if he’s okay—but doesn’t say why, so he was obviously not really thinking about her emotional state. And then, rather than upbraid himself for being obsessed with revenge and whatnot and not asking how she is—he just goes on about himself, his “tone seethe[ing] with rage” (what? It’s seething, but not chagrinned?) and once again tells us how much he wants to violently torture and murder the Bad Guys—so violently that the bodies can’t be identified—but can’t without missing out on stalking Bella for an unacceptable length of time.

He finally pulls his head out and asks if she’s okay (not that he cares) and tries to backpedal and tell us that her wellbeing is his first priority, rather than his revenge (it’s so not). Then SMeyer starts her usual floor routine of telling us something REALLY REALLY OFTEN BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEST WAY TO MAKE SURE WE BELIEVE IT BEFORE THE DRAMATIC REVEAL, and has Wardo go on and on about how scared Bella must be (because she’s a helpless female—asshole) blah blah, even though we know that she isn’t from Twilight, and he’s going to keep insisting that she’s scared, and it’s going to be such a big deal because Wardo will be so shocked to see that she’s fine.

No, she’s not fine—SHE’S AN IDIOT.

So Wardo goes on some more about how he is burning with the desire for revenge, and I am not a Bible-thumper, but as SMeyer is, I really feel the need to counter with a Bible argument of my own, here. You know, SMeyer, for all your Mormon/Christian ideals you pound into our heads with your books, you seem to have missed the “vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord” and “turn the other cheek” and “do unto others” parts.

I guess Perfect Sparkly White is Right Mormon Vampires are exempt from all that. Well, whatever.

Wardo orders Bella to distract him, to “prattle about something unimportant”, and “force[s] her to speak again”, so as to get him to chill out, because Bella “needed him in the car”. And I got seriously pissed—why, you asshole? Is it just because Bella is a Unique and Fragile Snowflake, or is it because she’s female and can’t be safe and happy without a man around?

But then I just lolled, because when Bella hops to following her orders, just guess what she starts talking about? HERSELF. HA! Her own selfishness creates a moment of unintentional hilarity. Thank you, SMeyer.

Then I get annoyed—because Wardo, even in his sick killing mode (and I don’t say rage, because despite his insisting that it is, he’s still being completely cold and dispassionate about it), he has to assure us that Bella is Unique and Special and everything she says is always unexpected and she is just oh-so-clever and her comments are just so funny when filled with her “tiger-kitten outrage”.


Sorry, Wardo—it’s not funny. You’re being a condescending asshole (AGAIN), and she’s really just being obnoxious, smug, selfish, and rude, talking about Tyler’s assumption that he’s taking her to prom. Wardo, of course, gets off on this behavior (because it's what he does too), and of course reminds us again that Bella is Just That Hot, that all the boys want her, but that she is so selfless and humble that she doesn’t notice it.

Okay. I’ve been keeping a lid on it, but this is getting ridiculous. My turn:

Ahh—that’s better. Just needed to blow off a little steam, there.

Things go totally creepy again, though—in a rather different fashion that before. Bella is going off on Tyler, about all the ways she wants to kill him—wow, that’s familiar.

…and Wardo likes it. Wants her to keep talking. Because it calms him.

He insists that it’s because in her case it’s only sarcasm (or hyperbole, Professor SMeyer is kind enough to tell us), but that was totally not the vibe I was getting. Last time I referenced Natural Born Killers was hyperbole too, SMeyer—but this time? So not.

…I think she heard me. That’s the only explanation for what she has Wardo say next. There is no other reason she could have said this but to piss me off. When Bella appropriately “timidly” asks Wardo if he’s done with his bout of psychopathy, he thinks to himself:

No, I was calmer, but not better. Because I’d just realized that I could not kill the monster named Lonnie, and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in the world. Almost.

The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highly justifiable murder, was this girl. And, though I couldn’t have her, just the dream of having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight—no matter how defensible such a thing might be.

Bella deserved better than a killer.

I’d spent seven decades trying to be something other than that—anything other than a killer. Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting beside me. And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life—the life of a killer—for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn’t drink their blood—even if I didn’t have that evidence blazing red in my eyes—wouldn’t she sense the difference? I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keep trying.


Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her…she still made my mouth water.


I just…I can’t even…I don’t…


*headdesk headdesk*

I am not going to go into all that is wrong with that. BECAUSE I’VE SAID IT ALL A DOZEN TIMES OVER ALREADY. She crammed everything I’ve been railing against for this entire book into that one segment.

  • Our Hero is a Raging Psychopath who enjoys killing

  • Wardo has no conscience, blithely makes decisions on who deserves to live or die, and has no compunctions about killing humans that he doesn’t think deserve to live

  • Treating Bella (and by extension all women) as an object

  • Choosing not to kill not because it’s wrong, but because he wants people to like him

  • Wardo is obviously not in the least bit sorry for killing in the past, and would probably do it again if it weren’t for the fact that he enjoys being a smug bastard

  • The really bad writing, this time with the eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil red eyes (which are red for no reason)

  • Inconsistencies regarding Bella Bacon Bits and her Smell of Power

  • Insisting that Bella is a paragon of virtue when she is nothing of the kind

  • Love Pastede on Yey

I’ve already had several discussions and arguments and rebuttals to these points through the course of this waking nightmare, so I’m going to leave those alone. What I will point out is new piece of fail that SMeyer has tossed into the mix. Oh, look, Wardo was so mean, he was a bad boy, he was a killer, but now that he’s found Bella, he’s a new man—she’s changed him, Mamma!

I hate that. I really, really hate that. I hate it when women convince themselves that the power of their love can change a bad man into a good one. Because they are only setting themselves up for heartbreak—at the best. Change only comes from within. It is stupid to think that you can force change—and that’s just what SMeyer is doing here. The Rebel Bad Boy has been Changed by the Love of a Good Woman. There’s exactly the sort of message we need to be sending to young girls today.

And the both best and worst part of it all? She’s assuring us that Wardo has changed—but the writing has made it all-too-obvious that he hasn’t! He still wants to rip these guys’ heads off and bathe in their blood! Not doing it just to keep Bella happy isn’t change! That’s him pretending to be what she wants to see to keep her happy and compliant! But, why split hairs in this mad world! Fap away, there, SMeyer! You Your avatar has clearly changed Wardo for the better with the Power of Love!

Argh. I have to get past this, or I won’t make it. *slaps self* Keep it together, Hyde. Keep it together.

Wardo confesses that he “has a problem with [his] temper”. Yeah, no kidding, if Mike Newton simply talking to Bella inspires skull-crushing rage. Wardo says that he hopes Bella realizes how dangerous that makes him—but then promptly takes it back, because if she actually had a brain and got that this guy is a total wacko, she’d leave, and we know where Bella’s safety ranks when compared to Wardo’s own happiness.

Bella sits there like an idiot, and Wardo snottily informs us that she’s sure to start screaming in terror any minute now, a delayed reaction or something to her traumatic experience. Because she’s obviously scared. Because she’s a female, and all females are scared of mean men. So Bella is scared. Because she is. Obviously.

Bella *gasp* appears to think about her friends for once, that they will be worried that she was gone. Wardo, of course, thinks about himself when she says that—does that mean she wants to leave him? *panic* And then he’s back to justifying murder again. Man, but I hate this guy.

And then—BAM. They’re at the restaurant. *dizzy*

Jessica and Angela are apparently terribly worried about Bella—because that’s all anybody does around here, worry about Bella—and are already headed out to look for her. And I feel the need to interject at this point—wait—how long did all this take? I remember doing a doubletake in Twilight when I read this. The sun is almost down when Wardo hears that Bella is missing—and Jessica and Angela hadn’t even left the department store yet. He drives around a bit, and then bam, they’re already at the restaurant. He then finds Bella, we have the Volvo of Great Justice, and then when they get back to the restaurant, the two of them have already ordered, eaten, and paid, and are on their ways?

I know that that much time could have passed, but…it really didn’t feel like that. Chalk one up to SMeyer’s crappy time-condensing in the name of contrivance—because that’s exactly what it was. Just a way to get those annoying incidental characters out of the way so that Bella and Wardo could have their nice romantic dinner. Bleh.

Bella notices that Wardo knew where to go, to which restaurant she was going, which would be a semi-decent flub on Wardo’s part that would have helped to give him away—if Bella didn’t just laughingly shrug it off, because of course Wardo is a special like that and just knows things. Never mind that the logical conclusion that he knew where she’s been where she was, and where she was going would be that, yes, he was stalking her, and as such should inspire fear.

Wardo has to puzzle over the way she just accepts this—because she’s Unique and Special and all—and then he gets out of the car. She’s all startled by this, and wants to know what the deal is—why isn’t he just booting her out? And he answers that he is taking her to dinner, and from what we know in Twilight, that tone brooked no argument. Romantic, no? Particularly when you hear what he was thinking when he said it:

Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In that order.

Ah, l’amour.

Oh, and by the way—in the next paragraph down, he’s pretending that he’s not crowing about being on a date with “the girl” (the object, you mean), he actually says that it doesn’t count as a date, “because [he] wasn’t giving her a chance to say no”. What a guy, huh?

Then he fusses about her getting out of the car before he had a chance to open it for her, and this is supposed to be SMeyer showing how wonderful and chivalrous and old-fashioned he is, when the way he does it only comes off as his getting mad at Bella for not behaving like a good, subservient little wimmins and waiting for him to play the Big Strong Man to take care of her.

Well, the other two girls aren’t being subservient little wimmins either, running off in the dark looking for Bella, so Wardo turns to the one who always does do what he tells her too and “order[s]” her to go stop them. Bella of course complies, and the two come running back, Angela bursting with relief that Bella is okay, because what would the town do without its new center? Oh, and Jessica, while (justifiably) annoyed, is relieved as well, so Wardo deigns to like her a bit more for it. Asshole.

Then I had to roll my eyes and try not to retch, because of course chances are that they wear a silly grin the moment Wardo comes into view, and we have to listen to them mentally rhapsodize about his hotness and how unfair it is that Bella seems to have snagged him and hear about how they’ve remembered ever singe snippet of conversation that they’ve had with Bella about the Cullens and it’s very irritating and so typically Suethor stuff that I just wanted to hurl.

Bella waves off their meeting, and is all calm and normal about it (because she’s an IDIOT), and Wardo assures us that it is BECAUSE SHE’S IN SHOCK, OF COURSE SHE’S TERRIFIED, SHE’S A FEMALE, and then is a creepy asshole because as he’s listening in on Jessica and Angela, he can hear how incoherent and dippy and compliant his mere presence as made them, and he pauses the narration to ask “why couldn’t [he] do that to Bella?

That just sounds really creepy coming from this nutjob. It really does.

Wardo asks if he can join them for dinner, even though he knows they’ve already eaten—to be polite, he assures us, but how is it polite when you plan to force yourself on their company anyway, asshole? What—you’re just assuming that they’ll leave Bella with you? Jerk.

But that’s exactly what they do—Angela says they’ve already eaten, which apparently means that they’re not allowed back in the restaurant anymore and so do in fact have to ditch Bella.

Jessica is mad, because she wanted the excuse to gaze upon Wardo’s fabulousity, and Bella just shrugs it off and says she’s not hungry, and she’s still calm and therefore TOTALLY IN SHOCK. Well, as per usual, Wardo is the one who dictates what Bella can and can’t do, so he informs her that she is going to eat anyway, BECAUSE SHE’S TOTALLY IN SHOCK, and he brushes off the other two girls—they have his permission to leave, because they’d be safe enough on the way home—“danger didn’t stalk their every step.

Yeah, we know—so why don’t you go back home and leave Bella alone, you asshole!

He doesn’t wait for Bella to say anything, just railroads the other two girls into letting him drive Bella home, because “he’d rather be alone with [her]”. Whether or not she wants to be alone with him is only considered second to his wishes, of course.

Jessica is reluctant to leave the Sparkles, but when Bella winks at them (to which Wardo is shocked, and I’m torn between mocking him for “being in love” with a girl who’s character he clearly knows nothing about, or just facepalming at SMeyer’s own characters pointing out how inconsistent the others’ characterizations are), and Angela drags Jessica away. Wardo says that he’ll have to thank her for it—ah, remember that? He’s mentioned that before—that he will have to find a way to bestow his good favor upon her. Well, keep it in mind, because it will come back to haunt us.

Bella watches to make sure the girls get back to their car, and Wardo tells us how concerned she is for their safety, which is crap, because we know from Twilight that she was no such thing.

Once they’re gone, Bella tells Wardo again that she isn’t hungry—and as usual, what she wants isn’t even considered.

Did she truly want to be alone with me—even now, after witnessing my homicidal rage?

Whether that was the case or not, she was going to eat something.

Again, he admits that he doesn’t know what she wants, and that being around him probably wasn’t the best idea—and then tramples all over her by forcing what he wants on her.

Gad, but I hate this asshole!

So he orders her in and opens the door and stands there until she moves—which she does, because even in her own mind, what Bella wants comes second to what Edward wants (well, except for her being pretty and sparkly and immortal, of course).

They go in, and Wardo is still marveling over how calm and collected (read: STUPID) she is, and tells us that he wants to put his hands all over her—for the sake of making sure she’s all right, of course. Uh-huh. Right.

Then we get to hear that, somehow, through this mad little ride to nowhere—Wardo has actually become a bigger Stu. Well, ostensibly, anyway. Because he assures us that, unless people are just stupid and shallow like Jessica, women are initially attracted to him, and then afraid. Well, fine, even though we’ve seen nothing at all like that in the text, I’ll play along. But now, you see—he’s not scary any more! It must be because of Bella, because he’s changing for her, Mamma! Now he’s no longer the mean scary bad boy—he’s just hot and wonderful!

*foams at the mouth*

Wardo is all smug and contemptuous of all the stupid plebes who think he’s hot. The hostess is all over that, and we get a positively revolting bit of Suethor circle-jerking, here. Of course, the hostess is all down on SMeyer Bella, in going on that she has to be related to Wardo, using throwaway characters to make sure we know that Bella isn’t a Sue, or anything, because there is no way that “he is with her”.

And then Wardo completes the circle with this:

Human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly. How could this small-minded woman find my physical lures—snares for prey—so attractive, and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the girl beside me?

And that is all I have to say to that.

The hostest seats them—deliberately at a large table in the middle, actually trying to sabotage what she believes is a date, can you believe this? Wardo is a smug asshole about it and passes her a $50 for a more private table, just because he can—not like, you know, just asking would have worked.

We have to listen to the waitress boggle at his perfection—since looks and money are the only important things in a man—and she does give them a more private place, fussing all the time that a hot guy like him shouldn’t be interested in Bella. If you’ll recall from Twilight, she was a bleached blonde, so she’s obviously a bitch.

Wardo smiles at her, but he’s really just deliberately flashing his suddenly teeth at her to scare her off. What a winner.

But, since Wardo has gone soft, changed by the power of Bella’s Love, she’s isn’t scared, and she just wanders off, thoroughly dazzled, no doubt, pondering ways to get his attention and thinking of writing her number on his plate with ketchup.


Bella scolds him for being dazzling—and I’m not kidding, he really was—to the point that the hostess is literally “semi-coherent” and had wandered off in a daze, actually listing to the side. Which is crap. But you guys didn’t need me to tell you that.

Wardo is an idiot, seeming all (falsely) unaware that he is dazzling. It’s Bella’s turn to point out his unrealism, asking him if he honestly thinks that normal people “get their way that easily”. Hello, SMeyer, anybody home?! *knocks on her skull*

Of course, Wardo brushes that aside and demands to know if he dazzles Bella—and she of course says yes. Wardo just puffs up like a toad when he hears that, and while his reaction is actually somewhat realistic for SMeyer, the writing is just as crappy as usual and so I still can’t relate to him.

The waitress comes up then, though, and ruins The Moment. Somehow Wardo didn’t seem to notice her approach, despite the fact that she’s apparently thinking all sorts of naughty things about him. But since he’s gay, he pretty much tunes all of that out just so he can stare meaningfully and creepily (and nauseatingly, calling her “radiant”) at Bella.

They order their drinks, and Wardo is still staring, and Bella finally asks what his problem is, and he gets all up in her business asking how she is, if she’s healthy or feeling bad, because he just CAN’T BELIEVE THAT SHE’S NOT TERRIFIED AND GOING INTO SHOCK. Then he smiles at her, and loves the way she goes stupid and vague at the sight—again, a boy realizing that a girl he likes thinks he’s good-looking could be very cute, but in this case, it just comes off as smug and creepy, how thrilled he is by the power he has over her and the ways he can manipulate her emotions.

She answers, tells him that she’s fine because she suppresses unpleasant things. I wish I had that ability—because this scene is going to be branded behind my eyeballs for Time and All Eternity.

Wardo takes her response as his cue to marvel at how dangerous her life must have always been, and then the waitress brings out their drinks and some bread, and once she’s gone, he orders Bella to drink. She, of course, “complie[s] immediately and without objection”. And Wardo is surprised by this, and let me tell you, but he sure gives me this vibe of really getting off on that—just what he’s looking for in a woman. Not to mention that looking back at this scene in Twilight adds a whole new dimension to the creepy. All through here, there are instances of Wardo telling Bella that she needs to do something—and when we see it from her POV in Twilight? The most commonly-used verb to describe his actions is “ordered”. I kid you not. He’s issuing commands to her without even thinking about it, not considering the fact that she might refuse.

And it doesn’t help things that she always does in fact obey. Like here, for example. Bella doesn’t just take drink as told—she drinks it all as told, all at once, because the Almighty Male has spoken. She then gets ridiculously, teeth-chatteringly cold from it, which is just an excuse for Wardo to be not-chivalrous and give her his coat. What next—is he going to lay it across a mud puddle for her to walk and beg to carry her colors at the next baseball game?

Wardo has to be a condescending asshole about her being so frail and breakable and human, and is very disapproving that she doesn’t have a coat. Yet another infraction that he’ll likely have to punish her for later. He then gives her that very stilted and insincere comment about her blue shirt looking “lovely with [her] skin”, and honestly, who talks like that? What—it doesn’t look lovely with the rest of her? Why don’t you just say what you mean—it looks good on her? Why do you have to be all faux-old fashioned and come off sounding like an idiot?

Oh—because those were SMeyer’s words in your mouth, and that’s exactly what she is.

Just FYI—though the course of this conversation, we’ll get all the same C&P’d rehashing of every single detail from this scene as we saw it in Twilight. I know because I went back and checked; Bella goes on about his jacket, about it being cold and not warmed up and the sleeves being too long—and so Wardo here has to point out that his coat is so cold that she actually shudders, and to go on about her rolling up the sleeves. And it just goes on like this—the same stuff that’s pissed me off so bad before, this childish and unskilled do-over of everything we’ve already seen. So I’ll just skip over those bits so you don’t have to listen to them, or to me ranting about them.

But I will have to do this, just to preemptively get it out of my system:

Okay. So Wardo demands that she eat some bread as well, and is in his own words “disapproving” over her not behaving like he thinks he should, which is not only creepy but off-pissing, as it’s used to assure the readers once again about how Special and Unique Bella is. Then he goes off on her instincts being off in that she’s apparently drawn to the predator—more obvious hints that she deserves to be culled from the herd, man. And of course Wardo laments that he can’t protect her from himself because neither of them want to be apart from the other. By this point, after my long rant here on his selfishness under the guise of True Love, I’m almost happy when I see him reference his inability to stay away from her, because I can just laugh at SMeyer shooting herself in the foot.

We then have yet another pointless and idiotic reference to Wardo’s eye color—since that’s what people always notice. He is, of course, simply stunned by how amazingly observant she is—more ham-handed insistence that she is special, when it’s really just made more than clear that this isn’t realistic at all. Wardo then, of course lapses back into being insulting—and the thing is, I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, which makes it all the creepier and more abusive. But then Bella tells him that—DUN DUN DUN—she does have a theory about what he is, one that she dug up somewhere else.

He has to wait to hear it, though, because the waitress brings Bella’s dinner. Wardo brushes her off, as before, and then demands to know what Bella thinks she knows. She expresses hesitance to speak in public, and really, this whole bit is very icky, because it’s supposed to be Wardo getting more and more tense that she might have found him out, but with SMeyer’s crappy writing, it really just sounds like he’s getting angry with her for not doing what he tells her to do. Really, when he starts growling at her for having conditions to talking with him, I half-expected him to backhand her.

She asks what he was doing in Port Angeles, and he refuses to answer—even thought he expects her to spill everything she knows later, of course. We have to hear about her every move while she thinks of what else to say, then we have to get that horrible and lame discussion where Bella tries to feel him out regarding his mind reading. Since that’s the logical conclusion to have from Wardo’s behavior. Personally, I’d have guessed that he just knew stuff because the Elf Princess told him.

Seriously, SMeyer—if your character jumps to these sorts of outlandish and, in this day and age, patently impossible conclusions based on practically zero evidence, it does not make her smart!

And then, you know how we’ve fussed that Wardo pretty much spills his guts for no reason in Twilight? Well, guess what—that is exactly what happens here, too. He’s all like, “Oh, well, since mind-reading isn’t a traditional vampire power, then it’s okay for me to tell her!”

Yeah. You’re blending in and looking normal and doing your best to keep secret.

What a maroon.

Bella wants to know how he found her, alluding to his being able to read minds, and Wardo takes the opportunity to both remind us of what a Sue she is, being always drawn to trouble, and to be a condescending asshole to her about her near-miss back in the alley. With you actually making fun of her for that, I can’t help but think that you aren’t as concerned as you claim to be, hon.

This scene is really stupid. I just wanted to say that. To the point that I really am having trouble recapping it, if you hadn’t already noticed by how rambly I’m getting.

Bella is all intense, wanting Wardo to trust her with his secrets—and he hesitates, of course, despite demanding her trust in earlier scenes. He has to pause to wax poetic about how good and wonderful she is for no reason, that she’s trustworthy and all. I have to pause to ask, though—don’t the Catholics come down hard on humans who know about vampires? And yet you’re just going to tell her? Guess this falls into the “Wardo’s petty desires taking precedence over Bella’s personal safety” category. He wangsts, talks about how whanderfol Bella is, is rude and arrogant as he was in Twilight, and this is all very boring and I’m skimming.

After lots of almost-but-not-touching and pseudo-romance, Wardo finally just comes out and tells her that he was stalking her. Remember how she was pleased by this in Twilight? Even Wardo comments how outrageous this is: “I’d just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling.

*smacks self a little* Get a grip, Hyde—you can make it. Only a little more. *breathebreathebreathe*

We have the lame and not-at-all romantic discussion that Bella’s “number was up the first time [Edward] met [her]”. Seriously, SMeyer? Is this supposed to be a good thing, for a man to admit that he wants to kill you?

I want to kill Bella, but that’s another matter entirely. And I want to kill Wardo, in no small part for the deluge of purple prose that he dumps on us next, bemoaning Bella’s fate as always being so in danger—not because she might get hurt or something, though—he’s only whining about how it makes his life hard.


They randomly bring up the VoD and his Bitchface back at their first meeting, and somehow Bella now knows that he wanted to kill her but is fine with this. I’M NOT!! THIS IS NOT HEALTHY!!!!

Nor is it healthy when, after making me sick with all his going on about how wonderful Bella is, he has to tell me AGAIN that she is CLEARLY IN SHOCK AND WILL BE IN HYSTERICS WHEN IT WEARS OFF (I GET IT, SMEYER! BELLA IS OH SO BRAVE! SHUT UP, ALREADY, DAMN!), and so once again, he dictates the “terms” of their interaction, demanding that she eat. She, of course, complies with all speed.

He recounts the same stupid dialogue from Twilight, only now interspersed with his marveling at how Sueish Unique and Special Bella is, what with her always being in such danger (and I just want to know, if she really is so marked for death, there, Wardo, how has she survived this long?). We get a few references to how panicked he was when he saw Bella in danger, but they’re mostly over shadowed by the return of the Extreme Killing RageTM again. But he controls his EKR, of course, by thinking of Bella—see how she’s changed him, Mamma?

Oh, but get this:

I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a hunter, a killer. I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself, focusing only on her face. The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skin—like silk stretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter. She was too vulnerable for this world. She needed a protector. And, through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, I was the closest thing available.

…I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or Paul-out. Wait a minute—yes I do.

While SMeyer may have no compunctions repeating the SAME DAMN THING over and over again, I do, so I’ll spare you the same rants that I’ve been shouting FOR THIS ENTIRE BOOK about everything that pisses me off with that paragraph. By this point, you all probably know them by heart anyway.

Wardo actually writes off his intended murders of the Bad Dudes as “defensible”, to which I say BULLSHIT, YOU MURDERING BASTARD. He dismisses it pretty quick, all of his tepid angst totally lost in the face of that comment, along with his control not to stemming only from wanting Bella to like him, rather than because it’s wrong.

Wardo has decided that Bella has “had enough truth for one night”, so he’s not going to tell her anything else, because he decides who lives or dies what Bella does or doesn’t need to hear (and who lives or dies). So he asks her if she wants to go home, and she gives her stupidly circular answer, which Wardo is too dumb to figure out. Also please to be noting that she’s totally fine with his admission of intent to commit murder up there.

The waitress comes hustling up—she was totally eavesdropping, and thinking about all the naughty things she’d like to do with Wardo. Being gay, her erotic fantasies only merit an eyeroll from Wardo, and he rudely ignores her but to ask for the check.

As he’s waiting for said check from the “inconsequential” human, he comes to a revelation, that he has apparently been trying to become human for Bella (she’s changin’ him, Momma!), and so that is why he is Not Scary anymore. In his words, he has “lost his edge”. Meaning…it was a good thing that you were supposedly terrifying before? That you liked scaring people to death?


He totally is—because next he’s laughing at the waitress for being dazzled. I really hate this guy.

The waitress, apparently, actually put her phone number in the check. Uh, SMeyer? In your haste to show how hot Wardo is and how shallow and lustful other women are in comparison to your Paragon of Virtue SI, I think you’ve neglected to consider that that could be construed as sexual harassment, and she could lose her job for that.

Oh, what am I doing? When has logic or reality ever intruded on this little acid trip? It’s fantasy, bitches—she can do what she wants!

Wardo doesn’t even look at it, just gives her the money and ushers Bella out, going back to his usual creepiness of analyzing her every move and obsessing over her every whiny sigh.

They get in the car and drive off in stony silence. Wardo’s endless C&P’d descriptions of Bella are very boring and annoying, not to mention off-pissing, what with the usual dash of condescension towards her. And even more so as the prose starts getting purpler and purpler as he goes, until finally it’s too much for even him to stand, and he whirls on her and informs her that now she is going to talk, and tell him what she knows.

And the chapter just ends. Big cliffie, huh? Or not. All I could say was THANK GOD.

I’ll catch you all next time, in Chapter 9 Chapter 10: Theory!

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