Sands: I was making profound statement about the quality of these books.
Mervin: You jerked off on them! Twice!
Sands: Oh, who cares about that?! This makes three chapters, Merv! I don’t wanna do this anymore! I’m gonna be ass-deep in Breaking Dawn, why are you making me do Eclipse, too?! What, you just gonna take a sabbatical for the rest of the goddamned story?!
Mervin: I’ve got a very good reason for making you do this chapter, Sands! I’ll hopefully join you for maybe the next one, or relieve you entirely of duty.
Sands: As if. What’s your reason?
Mervin: If I recapped it personally, there wouldn’t be anything but a bunch of garbled cursing. I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d just sit there and rant and rave about one point only, and the recap would be longer than necessary—which is saying something, if you take my typical recaps into consideration.
Sands: That’s hardly a reason, in my opinion.
Mervin: Well, how about because I’m making you? Look, you’re already doing this stuff on your own schedule. I’m not about to let you have a choice in whether or not you get to do it at all.
Sands: *scowls* Can I at least have a partner this time around?
Mervin: I know exactly what you’re talking about. And no. You may not.
Sands: FINE! See if I care. *drinks straight from the bottle*
Chapter 15 – Wager
Previously, on Chapter 14 of Eclipse…
"I'm in love with you, Bella," Jacob said in a strong, sure voice. "Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him. I know you don't feel that way, but I need the truth out there so that you know your options. I wouldn't want a miscommunication to stand in our way."
Not that you care. I certainly don’t.
Bella is actually shocked by this declaration. You know, it’s pretty impressive how she gets dumber with each successive chapter, isn’t it? After Jacob makes his big and supposedly shocking revelation, “the seriousness left his face” and suddenly he’s all smiles and jovial and happy-go-lucky. I can safely say that this is the first show of sudden and inexplicable character-shifts Jacob gets to go through in this chapter. Hoo boy. I take comfort in myself—I never changed, and never intend to.
So, Bella tries to leave and Jacob decides that, if it worked for Ed, it’ll work for him—he jerks her back towards him and spins her around, and then asks if she wants him to leave, she says no, and for some reason, that proves—I have no idea. That Bella’s truly in love with him, not Ed? Or both of them? It proves something, goddammit, and Meyer’s gonna repeat it until we accept it. Fuck you. Bella clarifies and says she’s not interested in the Ball and Socket Boogie-Woogie, like he is, but Jacob is undeterred, because her loving him as a friend obviously means she secretly does want to let him pierce her flower of maidenhood with his stamen. And then he tries to feel her up.
"Do you think you could behave yourself a little better, at least?" I asked, irritated.
"No, I don't. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am—bad behavior included—or not at all."
I stared at him, frustrated. "That's mean."
"So are you."
*raised eyebrow* I’m no woman, thank God, but if I was and if a guy told me that I’d just have to put up with his groping me and sexually harassing me if I still wanted him as my friend, I know what I’d do. *flicks the safety off of his gun*
Bella wrestles with her conscience again, makes it out like there’s some conflict—there isn’t—and then some shit happens that I’m supposed to care about with regards to her being unable to send Jacob away. Am I supposed to think there’s a love triangle going on here? Bella then starts talking about how much she loves Ed and how “he’s [her] whole life”, to which Jacob corrects her and says that him leaving actually inserted Jacob into her life, too.
*yawns* More nattering about how Jacob’s gonna keep trying to make Bella see he’s the one for her, all the way up until she turns into a vampire, he grabs her chin and looks like he’s about to rip her jaw off—nice, Jacob—she protests a little and makes it obvious that she doesn’t want him to touch her, and then Jacob assaults her.
His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. I shoved against his chest with all my strength, but he didn't even seem to notice. His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips molding to mine in a warm, unfamiliar way.
I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. He seemed to notice this time, though, and it aggravated him. His lips forced mine open, and I could feel his hot breath in my mouth.
Clearly, he’s a dirty rapist—look at that. Open mouthed kissing. The nerve. I also gotta say that it’s very strange that he’s angry and violent and crushing, and yet we hear about how soft and warm and molding it is, too.
And what’s Bella’s reaction to this? To lie back and Think Of England.
Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel… just waited for him to stop.
It worked. The anger seemed to evaporate, and he pulled back to look at me. He pressed his lips softly to mine again, once, twice… a third time. I pretended I was a statue and waited.
*cocks his head to the side* I think I hear Merv screaming in the background. *pauses the tape* Yeah, that’s her. Boy—she’s pissed. *waves his cigarette at the audience* I’m gonna assume most of you are, too, considering I know her flist is predominantly female. Well, I just find it funny. Meyer here admits to being madly in love with Jacob, too, who she not only based on her own fucking brother, but also wrote him as the type who would lovingly whisper into a girl’s ear, “Don’t struggle and just relax—it’ll hurt less.”
Talk amongst yourselves.
Bella asks if he’s done, he says yes and starts pondering jacking off right there, so Bella tries to punch him and breaks her hand. Reaction?
Jacob stared at me in shock. "Are you all right?"
"No, dammit! You broke my hand!"
"Bella, you broke your hand. Now stop dancing around and let me look at it."
*twitches and convulsively squeezes his tequila bottle*
Okay. Yeah, she now got to me. Know why? Because I sporked Rose Potter. Back me up, bitch.
“Dammit Hermione,” I said angrily. “You’re going to run yourself into the ground.”
I grabbed her by the shoulder and had to basically frog-march her out of the partying common room.
“Let me go!” shrilled Hermione, trying to unsuccessfully come out of the armlock I had her twisted in. “You’re hurting me!”
“Me?” I laughed. “You’re the one hurting yourself by trying to escape.”
“Rose Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban”, Chapter 13.
*dangerously* You wouldn’t do well to remind me of Rose Potter, Meyer.
*clears throat and continues* So Bella starts her grand trampling exit, but Jerkoff easily catches up to her and starts fondling her again, insisting that he drive her home. Her immediate instinct is to start threatening him with Ed. Right—the fact that he’s never been afraid of Ed before doesn’t even enter into this. Jerkoff hears me and ignores her, totally thrilled with himself for his G-rated rape. He also informs her that he didn’t even feel her punch him. She says she hates him. And then they get into a huge, long, “Your mouth says ‘no no’, but your eyes say ‘yes yes’,” argument. Actually, this is rather along the Freddy Krueger lines. “Your eyes say ‘no no’, but my mouth says ‘yes yes’.” I’ll spare you, mostly because I’m incredibly bored.
Jerkoff talks about how great he was, and says that she’s definitely going to be thinking about how great he was tonight. *sighs* Now he’s talking about how much better he is than Ed, how everybody likes him better, how he can guard her better than a vampire, how he can sex her up without fear of killing her and thus be better, and when Bella points out her hand, he blames it on her. See, Bella? If you choose Jerkoff, you can have a relationship about on par with Sam and Emily’s. He sliced up her face and it was her fault that he did it, and you always talk about how their love is just as good as yours and Ed’s. I think it works.
Jerkoff then indulges himself in a little Hairy Stu-dom.
"Jacob, I can't be happy without him."
"You've never tried," he disagreed. "When he left, you spent all your energy holding on to him. You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me."
For all the wrong reasons, but pointing out something that is totally the truth—she didn’t even try to move on. See? Classic Hairy Stu—he’s being a total asshole about it, but he still so right.
So, banter banter banter banter banter KILL ME KILL ME, I’m about to shoot myself in the eye socket, this is all so stupid. Jerkoff is still talking about how much better he is, how he never left and that Ed’s so totally gonna do that again, and then he says that Bella was totally kissing him back.
You know, if Meyer isn’t careful, Merv’s gonna come sweeping back in here and REALLY start screaming, because even I can see that this whole situation is pretty much a G-rated slap in the face to people who’ve been assaulted. It’s got everything:
- “You were totally asking for it—look at how you were dressed.”
- “Don’t struggle, it’ll be easier.”
- “It’s your fault if it hurt—I told you not to struggle.”
- “You obviously enjoyed it.”
- “And because you enjoyed it, that makes it totally consensual.”
- “You saying you didn’t is just you being coy.”
Did Jerkoff pick up a copy of The Rapist’s Defense Handbook yesterday, or something?
And despite all this, you know what the main point is that is probably infuriating to all you ladies? This whole situation? Yeah—Meyer’s writing it in a humorous light and, as you all know, in the end, Bella realizes that she is, in fact, madly in love with Jerkoff as well. But I’ll let Merv rant and rave on that when it gets here.
So, Jerkoff is still all amused that Bella broke her hand, because that’ll teach her to resist his affections in any way—it taught Emily to know her place, after all, and Sam is their fearless leader. That’s when Bella notices that he took her to Charlie’s house, and whines that Jerkoff couldn’t take her to Ed’s house—I also notice that this chapter contains the word “ugh” a lot. That’s getting irritating, having to hear the narrator do that all the time. Jerkoff makes a frowny face because Bella already considers Ed’s house hers instead of this one, but she merely points out that that is also where Carlisle lives. To avoid him as well, Jerkoff says he’s going to take her to the hospital, which Bella declines because it is “embarrassing and unnecessary”. For what she believes is a broken hand.
*pushes his sunglasses down and pinches the bridge of his nose* You know, I avoided hospitals. I had a reason to—I was staying off the radar. You have no reason to stay away, and your constant, rampant stupidity about any injury you have is very, very irritating. That, and Meyer is just talking about how great the Cullens are because they don’t need stupid things like hospitals and x-ray machines to know exactly what is wrong with someone, particularly in the case of broken bones—and if they do need it, they have it right in their house, apparently.
Mervin: They do, actually. In Breaking Dawn, you find that out.
*waves his hand* Moving on.
Jerkoff seems nervous about going inside with Bella’s dad home—he might not approve of him, you know, assaulting his daughter and all—so Bella says, “Go home, Jacob,” which is just hilarious if you’ve seen MST3K episode 904: “Werewolf” and can lead to quite a few more amusing quotes if you bring the whole series into it. But Jerkoff does not go home, and follows her inside, pestering her the whole time about what she’s doing and pretending to be some kind of gentleman, holding open the door for her.
Charlie’s there, sprawled out on the couch—probably in a stained wife-beater with a beer in hand—and is pleased to see Jerkoff, is highly amused to learn that Bella broke her hand, and tells Jerkoff it’s wonderful that she did it hitting Jerkoff because he assaulted her.
*pauses* It’s official. Any girlfriend I get after this? *points* I want them to have Charlie’s dad. Because that is awesome. I can beat her up and rape her and he won’t care. He actually encourages me to smack my bitch up.
*listens again* I don’t think Merv’s amused, though. Come to think of it, that sounds like the screaming of a whole lot of women, really. Anyway. *presses play*
So, after that bit of Komedy!, she phones up Ed and it turns out he’s already rushing to her side, and we get the whole story out in the open, and if you guys think anything is going to come of this, like a big fight or anything, then you’re all crazier than rats in a tin shithouse. Bella informs Ed that Jerkoff was improper, and Ed puts the pedal to the metal. Charlie seems to think that a fight is about to go down because he is a dumbass and hasn’t been paying attention to his own setting—nobody ever fights in these books. Jerkoff is annoyingly arrogant about the whole situation. Ed arrives, screeching his brakes and calling attention to himself because he can, Charlie remembers that, hey, he’s her dad! He asks about her hand, and when she tells him it’s getting worse, he says, “Maybe you should pick on people your own size.”
*snickers* I just heard Merv explode. That was funny.
So, she answers the door with her broken hand while the two boys lounge together on the couch. Men after my own heart. Ed is all tender and loving with the broken hand, and Bella takes that moment to remind us that, as a lowly human, she is pitiful and weak. Nah. That’s just because you’re a chick. Remember—this is MeyerLand.
Ed calls in Jerkoff, so Charlie takes that opportunity to butt in and tell Ed that he’d best not start a fight with the guy who assaulted his girlfriend. Bella suggests that Charlie arrest her, seeing as she’s obviously the only one who’s done anything wrong by punching the guy who assaulted her.
*rubs his forehead* ‘Kay. Now it’s getting to me, too.
Jerkoff is all cheerful and irritating, and Meyer is still playing this up as Komedy!, right up to the point where Charlie tells her to back off Jerkoff—yeah, let a guy have a chance there, Bella, even if you don’t want it. Ed starts dragging her off to the car so they can go see Carlisle—and “before [she winds] up in a jail cell”, because her attacking Jerkoff after his stunt is totally uncalled for, and Jerkoff follows them.
Now, the excellent thing to do here would be just to drive off and ignore him. Ever seen Casablanca, you two?
“You despise me, don’t you?”
“I would if I ever thought about you.”
That’s how you deal with upstarts like this. Just completely ignore them. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve destroyed not by shooting them, but by ignoring them. I’ve left many a girl sobbing because I wouldn’t even glance her way.
Shows how much you know, Ed, seeing as you pretty much do exactly what Jerkoff was hoping for—give him attention.
Ed is totally going, “Man, you’re lucky my chick’s here,” saying the only reason he doesn’t kill him is because Bella wouldn’t like it. Pfft. Yeah, right. You know, I met a guy who did that once. The conversation went like this.
Some Dude: You’re real lucky my girlfriend’s here—she can’t stand the sight of blood. If she was gone, though, I’d kick your ass!
Me: I’m sure. Fortunately for me, my girlfriend is not here.
And then I shot him.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Ed proceeds after cowardly weaseling his way out of defending his woman’s honor and says—oh, dude. Check this out.
Then he turned back to Jacob. "But if you ever bring her back damaged again—and I don't care whose fault it is; I don't care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head—if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that, mongrel?"
Mmm. Nothing like the sweeping romance of a guy who talks about his girlfriend like she is his property. I have to say, I’ve heard all of his proprietary quotes—I think that one is the best one ever. Not to mention that the whole time he’s delivering his little speech, he’s completely ignoring Bella.
Jerkoff continues to be a dick, saying that of course Bella will want to kiss him again later, and Ed says he’s perfectly fine with her wanting to make out with him if she truly wants it, but to rather wait for her to ask, rather than just do it. I sense bad foreshadowing with that. Then Jerkoff gets mad at Ed for reading his mind. Ed and Jerkoff have a big throwdown and spell it out for Bella (so she can wank to the thought, no doubt) that they’re both going to fight tooth and nail for her. Jerkoff says that should be entertaining, and Ed growls, “She is mine.” Bella gets no say in this. They have a dumb conversation that I won’t bother summing up, and they FINALLY drive away. Jesus, that was pointless.
We get one brief instance of throwing in our faces how hilariously clumsy Bella is before we’re immediately at the Cullen house. Bella takes time to ogle Rosalie’s “perfect legs…sheathed in jeans”. I always knew she was a rugmuncher. Said hot legs are sticking out from under the Jeep, and Emmett is acting as the carjack. I’ll give her that—I am mildly amused.
Emmett notices her hand and immediately wants to know what’s up, laughing at her the whole time. As Ed and Bella make their way inside, Rose declares that “Jasper’s going to win the bet”. Bella immediately starts bitching and whining about what the bet is, and it makes me want to pistolwhip her (again). After restraining her because he can, Ed tells her that they’re betting on how many people Bella is going to ice in her first year as a vampire.
Then we get this strange sentence: “I felt a little high. "Jasper's betting high."” Directly after, we learn that Jasper is doing that because “it will make him feel better if [she has] a hard time adjusting. He’s tired of being the weakest link.”
Yes, these are our upstanding, righteous, Mormon-allegory “good” vampires, folks. These are our paragons of virtue. These are the people I am supposed to think are the most wonderful characters of the whole series.
Here’s what you can do with that, Meyer. *unzips his pants and jerks off in her direction*
Mervin: FOR GOD’S SAKE, SANDS!!!!! *snarls as she uses the Keyboard of Power to clean up again*
Sands: Eat me. And get out.
Ed tries to make her feel better by implying he won’t change her at all, if she’s worried. They get to Carlisle, and he divines that it is “just a tiny fissure in one knuckle”. Question—if she punched him hard enough to cause a hairline fracture in her knuckle, why isn’t the skin of her hand split? That happens. I’ve done it before.
So, while Bella gets fitted for a brace—she’s too good (read: stupid) for a cast—she ponders life and its meaning. Meaning, herself. She’s pondering newborn vampires. The ideas have apparently been “percolating”. *stomps on the floor* Why don’t you make yourself useful, Merv, and throw out some synonyms or definitions for that word?
Mervin: *clears throat* With pleasure.
Main Entry: percolate
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: seep, drip (liquid)
Synonyms: bleed, bubble, charge, drain, exude, filter, filtrate, impregnate, leach, ooze, pass through, penetrate, perk, permeate, pervade, saturate, strain, sweat, transfuse, transude, weep
That’s the main entry from Thesaurus.com. Now here are the other three that went with it.
Main Entry: amble
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: walk casually
Synonyms: ankle, boogie, dawdle, drift, gander, hoof it, loiter, meander, mosey, ramble, sashay, saunter, stroll, toddle, wander
Main Entry: bubble
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: foam, froth up, especially with sound
Synonyms: boil, burble, churn, eddy, effervesce, erupt, fester, fizz, gurgle, gush, issue, moil, murmur, ripple, seep, seethe, simmer, smolder, sparkle, spume, stir, swash, trickle, well
Main Entry: cook
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: prepare food, usually using heat
Synonyms: French fry, bake, barbecue, blanch, boil, braise, brew, broil, brown, burn, coddle, curry, decoct, deep fry, devil, doctor, escallop, fix, fricassee, fry, griddle, grill, heat, imbue, melt, microwave, mull, nuke, panfry, parboil, parch, poach, pressure-cook, reduce, roast, ruin, sauté, scald, scorch, sear, seethe, simmer, sizzle, spoil, steam, steep, stew, toast, warm up
So, basically, here’s Bella.
Sands: In other words, Meyer is a fucking idiot.
Mervin: I wouldn’t put it that way, but yes, that’s pretty much it.
Sands: Just wanted to throw that out there for the folks at home.
So, Bella *cough* percolates. Mostly, she percolates this:
I'd always known that I would be different. I hoped that I would be as strong as Edward said I would be. Strong and fast and, most of all, beautiful. Someone who could stand next to Edward and feel like she belonged there.
*yawns* She outright tells us she’d been ignoring the part about how she’s gonna turn into a mad-crazy bloodthirsty newborn. But it doesn’t matter—Ed will keep her away from people. And, “most of all”, she’ll be beautiful! So who cares who she kills.
Meyer ends the chapter with Bella thinking that if her mind goes bye-bye with the change, maybe there is a human experience she might miss—but what?
I don’t really care.
Ta. I’m out. And hopefully, I’m STAYING out. You can do your own damned recaps now, you bitch.
Stinger: “"You've never tried," he disagreed. "When he left, you spent all your energy holding on to him. You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me."”
( Chapter 16 - Epoch )