Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Eclipse: Chapter 14

Sands: *looks up from his pibil* Oh. It’s you people again. Yeah, she’s not back yet. She never returned me to my couch—although she did put Snape in here for a bit to keep me company. We had sex.

Mervin: *just a voice* No. You didn’t.

Sands: How do you know? You don’t watch me all the time, unless you’re the Edward to my Bella.

Mervin: No, but I keep track of all of the yous I use for my writing. Only one of the three I use has ever scored with Snape. I know for a fact that isn’t you.

Sands: Goddammit. *pours another drink* Well, fine. She’s still not recapping, if you all didn’t catch that. You’re stuck with me until she finally gets off her fat ass and gets back in here and does her damned job.

Chapter 14 – Declaration

Well, all-righty then. Chapter 14? Chapter 14.

We open with dialogue, and it’s Bella—she’s whining. Are we surprised? No. Turns out that, even though there is a vampire army growing in Seattle and we don’t know who they are after, but there’s a big chance it’s the Cullens, Alice is still putting on her graduation party because “there’s no reason not to go through with it”. What did I just tell you?! Fuck it—I’m just trying to get this done as fast as possible. We find that Alice is yet again forcing Bella to do something she doesn’t want to do, because that’s how you can tell they’re best friends. Don’t your best friends treat you like Barbie dolls and make you do a whole lot of stuff you hate doing? Bella tries to interject some logic for once, but as this is Twilight it’s automatically shot down. Alice then gives her reasoning for why she is forcing her to do all of this stuff…

She sighed, and tried to be serious. "There are a few things we need to get in order now, and that's going to take a little time. As long as we're sitting here waiting, we might as well commemorate the good stuff. You're only going to graduate from high school—for the first time—once. You don't get to be human again, Bella. This is a once-in-a-lifetime shot."

…because if you have a good enough reason, then stripping somebody of their free will is perfectly okay. Which, you know, on a certain level, I agree with. I strip people of their free will all the time. Except, you know, I’m a bad guy who likes to subjugate those weaker than myself—and those that aren’t. That should tell you something, missy.

But Alice quickly shuts up—thank God—because Ed gets pissy that she’s talking about vampire stuff in a crowded cafeteria. That must explain why, one sentence later, when Bella asks about what they’re getting in order, he answers and starts talking about vampire stuff in a crowded cafeteria. They’re looking for some allies—Carlisle’s off trying to find some of his buddies, while Jasper is looking for those two idiots he ran around with—Peter and Charlotte. They’re all considering Maria—the Whitexican, if you’ll recall—but everybody’s hinky on that because she’s one of those Southern rednecks. Not really sure why, though. I am sure that Maria would probably tell them to eat dick, considering Jasper abandoned her back in the 1800s. I doubt she’d be pleased about that.

Bella then does something that completely contradicts both her previous and later behavior—she protests them trying to get help from the vampire friends because they aren’t “vegetarians”. Uh-huh. Yeah, I want every single one of you to remember this, okay? It’s important. Alice handwaves Bella’s worries about the non-Vegan vamps and excuses their behavior with a simple “they’re friends”. How that has any bearing on the fact that they are purple people eaters is beyond me. Alice blathers on about how Jasper has to teach them how to kill newborns, and—dig this, folks.

Edward gets that bright-eyed, super-excited look.

Meaning he’s getting a truncheon at the mere thought of getting to slaughter and tear apart a bunch of innocent vampires who don’t know any better and don’t understand what’s happened to them. And later on, we see that Jasper—our reformed vampire who was oh-so tired of killing and hated killing newborns, blah blah blah, is just as excited about this prospect.

*pours a shot of tequila* You lot can take your self-righteousness, roll it into a stiff cone, and ram it right up your asses.

Of course, Bella Bitch doesn’t note that Ed’s penis is leaking at the thought of killing things, but instead frets that one of the Cullens might not come back from the fight, mostest especiallyest Ed. I do notice that she doesn’t mention Jasper or Carlisle or Rosalie, and spends time demeaning the chicks and how they couldn’t possible fight because Esme is “so sweet and motherly” and Alice is “so tiny, so fragile-looking”. You know, I hate her, I despise her, and I’m glad I shot her, but I wish every single one of these people could be introduced to Ajedrez and Carolina at some point. That’s gonna be fun fun fun in the sun.

Ed tells Bella that they’re going to head to Seattle for some fun death and mayhem in a week, and Bella swoons, because that’s all she’s good for. Ed talks in what I’m sure is supposed to be a reassuring fashion, but, considering one chapter ago, Jasper was dooming them to losses for the sake of drama, that is not going to work.

Well! With all of this worrying about vampire armies and somebody dying and death and destruction and all, this is the perfect time for Bella Bitch to start harassing them about turning her into a vampire.

And then it occurred to me. Maybe I didn't need to sit behind. A week was more than enough time.

"You're looking for help," I said slowly.

"Yes." Alice's head cocked to the side as she processed the change in my tone.

I looked only at her as I answered. My voice was just slightly louder than a whisper. "I could help."

Edward's body was suddenly rigid, his arm too tight around me. He exhaled, and the sound was a hiss.

But it was Alice, still calm, who answered. "That really wouldn't be helpful."

"Why not?" I argued; I could hear the desperation in my voice. "Eight is better than seven. There's more than enough time."

*shoots Bella’s lower jaw off* That is what you can do with your desperation. Using a situation to get what you want is one thing—I do that all the time. It’s called blackmail. What you’re doing is deplorable. I don’t tolerate whiny little fuckers like you.

Alice shoots Bella down by reminding her of what Jasper said regarding newborn vampires—you know, how they’re insane with hunger all the time and have no finesse regarding fighting, and of course, Bella Bitch whines about it. Ed then repeats to her “not because you’re afraid” in reference to him turning her simply because she’s scared of being killed by a vampire, and that it needs to be a choice. Ed? She wasn’t begging to be changed because she was scared. She wasn’t scared during any of the other three-thousand eight-hundred and sixty-five times she begged for it.

Then Alice has one of her convenient and totally random visions and foresees a cancellation, and when she announces that now only sixty-five people will be attending her party, Bella flips out. Turns out the cancellation was Bella’s mom, which prompts Bella to put on the selfless routine: “For a moment, I just let myself enjoy the relief. Whatever it was that went wrong for my mother, I was eternally grateful to it. If she had come to Forks now… I didn’t want to think about it. My head would explode.” Fortunately, we aren’t fooled.

So, why did she cancel? Well, Phil—the stepdad—broke his thigh bone while demonstrating a slide after tangling up with the catcher.

*pauses* Excuse me?

Meyer, were you unaware of the fact that the femur is the thickest and strongest bone in the entire body? Were you unaware of the fact that it is extremely difficult to break that bone? Mervin, help me out here.

Mervin: Femur fractures, except for stress fractures, are caused by events that involve a lot of force. Because the femur is a very large bone it takes a lot of force to cause a fracture. Examples of accidents that might break the femur are falling from a height or having a high-speed collision, such as while skiing or snowmobiling…This type of fracture rarely occurs in common team sports.

Sands: Uh-huh. And how fast did you find that?

Mervin: It took 0.17 seconds on Google, and was the first result out of 15,600.

Sands: Hmm. Is that a Mormon thing, Meyer? Did Joseph Smith look into his hat and say thou shalt not research?

Mervin: Don’t be a bitch, Sands.

Sands: This isn’t your recap anymore. You relinquished all control. Butt out.


Bella demands to know why almost all of the Cullens are so la-dee-da about this situation when they were JUST BEING GRIM AND FOREBODING ABOUT IT ONE CHAPTER AGO, GODDAMMIT. Okay, it’s starting to annoy me, too. Bella calls her mom and talks about how selfless she is, and I don’t mean she’s talking about her mom. This is kind of negated when she talks about how she can’t concentrate on her mother—nay, anything—but Ed’s smile that “still knocked the breath out of [her]”. That’s halitosis, dear. She hangs up on her mom and then she makes out with Ed. Well, “makes out” is far too strong a term for what they do. We’ll go with Eskimo nose rubbing. Meyer also mangles a metaphor because Bella apparently “melted against his cold chest”. She was going for irony, but got morony instead.

Ed immediately decides that a kiss that lasts longer than three seconds is venturing into brazen hussy territory (thought it might have been, considering he “extricated himself from [Bella’s] arms and legs”), so he immediately puts a stop to that behavior and Bella whines about it. Ed says that he knows Bella thinks he has “some kind of perfect, unyielding self-control, but that’s not actually the case”. Personally, I think you’re a priggish asshat. You have no self-control. You just think that by abstaining, that makes you better than everybody else. Fuck you. I was having sex by age fifteen, jerking off by age twelve, and I am a billion times less repressed and jackassy than you. Boning does a body good.

Ed changes the subject from dirty kissing to how he’s going to go off and hunt for a few hours tomorrow and leave a few family members behind so they can be Bella’s keepers. She whines about that (you sensing a pattern, here?), and then has an idea. Or rather, she uses the exact same description the last time she got an idea—“And then it occurred to me”—as she did previous about trying to find another way to get vamped early. Her idea is to go to La Push and torment Jacob some more rather than sit around and be bored at home. Once Bella obtains permission from Ed to go—no, Twitards, just because she didn’t actively ask and he didn’t actively say it doesn’t mean it’s not there—she asks why he needs to hunt, because *twitches* his eyes are still I’M NOT DESCRIBING IT. GODDAMMIT, YOU’RE DOING THAT STRICTLY TO PISS ME OFF, YOU WHORE.

Ed says that they are hunting big game now and a lot because they want to be super strong. Bella asks if that does make them stronger, and he explains further, and it’s so awesome.

"Yes," he finally said. "Human blood makes us the strongest, though only fractionally. Jasper's been thinking about cheating—adverse as he is to the idea, he's nothing if not practical—but he won't suggest it. He knows what Carlisle will say."

"Would that help?" I asked quietly.

"It doesn't matter. We aren't going to change who we are."

I frowned. If something helped even the odds… and then I shuddered, realizing I was willing to have a stranger die to protect him. I was horrified at myself, but not entirely able to deny it, either.

Yep. Bella freaks out that human-eating vampires are going to be in Forks, and then a page later, is all for Ed killing a human just to make him a tiny bit stronger.

I’d also like to point out that he first says they’re not going to do it because WWCS—What Would Carlisle Say?—but then goes self-righteous again and says they aren’t going to change who they are.

Yeah, what you are are a bunch of high-and-mighty hypocrites with egos bigger than mine. I also love that Meyer has Ed and her vampires, her perfect Mormons, the ones that she thinks are the best and are morally superior over everyone they meet, refer to murder as “cheating”, which is what I believe the evil and much reviled Laurent called it, too. *sucks on his cigarette*

Ed continues to explain why newborns are so mad-crazy strong:

"That's why they're so strong, of course. The newborns are full of human blood—their own blood, reacting to the change. It lingers in the tissues and strengthens them. Their bodies use it up slowly, like Jasper said, the strength starting to wane after about a year."

Uh-huh. So, where does the blood go, exactly?

Mervin: Meyer claims vampires use blood like we humans use lipids.

Sands: I thought vampires didn’t metabolize—they’re dead.

Mervin: Why are you asking me this?

Sands: You’re the one that put me here—I expect a few answers. Now go away.

After that stupid explanation, it’s time to turn attention back to Bella and her upcoming makeover. She asks how strong she’ll be, and Ed strokes her ego by saying she’ll be able to take out Emmett if she wants. And then we abruptly switch to studying and stroking Ed’s ego, because Ed is “an excellent tutor—since he knew absolutely everything”. What, is he John Agar? *rubs his head* Christ. We’ve entered into the Laundry List style of filler that Meyer’s fond of. Bella calls Jacob to take a break from studying and Ed fondles her while she does so as to make sure she understands just who she belongs to. Bella informs Jacob that she’s making herself at home at his place tomorrow, and—

*falls out of his chair* Holy fuck. That scene change totally broadsided me. You have got to check this out, people.

I was pleased to have an option besides being babysat. There was a tiny bit more dignity in spending the day with Jacob.

Some of that dignity was lost when Edward insisted again on delivering me to the border line like a child being exchanged by custodial guardians.

"So how do you feel you did on your exams?" Edward asked on the way, making small talk.

That was I think the worst non-transition I’ve ever seen from this assmonkey. Ever.

Mervin: Man, I felt that, and I’m off on vacation!

Sands: Great tits, but that is serious. Where was I? Right—exams.

Bella talks about how she’s worried about Calculus, so Ed offers to bribe the teacher for an A. *raised eyebrow* I…don’t think Miss Mormon Prissypants knows the implications of that statement. Well, I guess we now know how all of these know-it-all (and gorgeous) Cullens keep their grades up so effortlessly!

I know she was probably going for the “We’re Rich as Fuck” angle, but she got the after-school oral examination angle instead. And don’t accuse me of being dirty-minded—you all were thinking the same thing.

Bella declines the offer of bribery—I wouldn’t, I’d tell him to get on his knees and suck puny human cock until the cows came home—but when they arrive at the border and see Jacob waiting, Ed immediately goes bitchface. Bella gets bitchface herself at Ed for listening in, and Ed says it’s all Jacob’s fault, since he’s the one shouting his thoughts to the wind. Oh, so now it’s everybody else’s fault that you can read minds. Jesus fucking jump-up Christ in a sidecar made of crackers.

She wants to know what Jacob’s thinking—probably to ask if it’s about her (but whatever it is, it’s a complete 180 from her moment up there of wanting Ed to give him privacy—I guess it’s okay when she does it)—but Ed says he’ll probably tell her later, and before they can ask more, Jacob starts honking his horn—then he starts beeping the car horn too. *ba-dum-pish!* Thank you, I’m here all night. Anyway, Ed says “that’s impolite”, because it’s only okay for him to pace impatiently and glare at Jacob when he doesn’t return his property to him fast enough. Bella Bitch doesn’t call him out on this and says “that’s Jacob”. And these two are friends again why? Is there any reason at all for Jacob there to be in love with Bella?

Mervin: Oh, he’s not.

Sands: Then what the hell is the point of this chapter? Isn’t this what is supposed to be the shocking declaration of love?

Mervin: Mmhmm. But he’s not in love with Bella per se. He’s only in love with part of her.

Sands: You don’t love a pair of tits or a nappy dugout, Merv.

Mervin: He doesn’t. At least, not hers.

Sands: Okay, now you’re being cryptic on purpose. Get out. *gets back to recapping*

Bella waves goodbye to Ed and mentions how upset he seems, and then attempts to handwave it to prepare us for what’s supposed to be a red herring: “But my eyes were weak and made mistakes all the time.” Never mind the putting humans down again to make the vamps seem awesome—her eyes are weak, because she completely fails to see that her boyfriend is a total queef.

*does his version of eye-rolling* Then we get this shit from Bella.

I wanted Edward to come to me. I wanted to make both of them get out of their cars and shake hands and be friends—be Edward and Jacob rather than vampire and werewolf. It was as if I had those two stubborn magnets in my hands again, and I was holding them together, trying to force nature to reverse herself…

You know, I think this could be a very effective new strategy for campaigning for world peace. Surely if enough people whine and complain loud enough and long enough in this completely bitchy and selfish manner, everybody who is at war will just kill themselves out of desperation to get away from that. I know I would.

And like I wanted to be reminded of the magnets. *flips off the air*

So now Bella and Jacob are going down the road, and Meyer alternates between “Jake” and “Jacob” in her narration, which is bad form. Jacob is obviously exhausted, so Bella suggests just going to his house to hang out for a while. Billy’s not there, as he’s hanging out around with the Clearwaters because “Sue gets lonely”, and yet again, I don’t think she knows the implications of these statements. Jacob elaborates on the subject saying that she’s having trouble with her kids, and he’s totally shifty about it, and we all know they are werewolves, but in order to maintain secrecy, Meyer makes Bella a complete idiot. We hear that Jacob is running on six hours of sleep for 48 hours because he’s busy running patrols. Apparently, the werewolves are all running around the area strictly to protect Bella. Not anyone else, though. Still not surprised.

Bella insists that he get some sleep, because she’ll “be fine”. Oh yes, since you have such a marvelous track record of taking care of yourself so far. Jacob changes the subject and asks about the whosit in her bedroom, she says they still don’t know who it was—idiots—so he says he’s not leaving. Bella actually describes what she starts doing next as whining, they make an old callback from the previous novel, and I’m about to drift off to sleep, here. Jacob has the audacity to be thrilled to kill vampires, and Bella gets mad at him for that because only the Cullens can get wood at the thought of killing vampires (or werewolves, for that matter) and not get the bitchface from Bella. Jacob brings up graduation, Bella mentions the party, displays obvious disgust at the thought of attending, and then invites Jacob. He says “sure, sure”—which is the second time in two pages, I notice he says that a lot—and then he has a fit of narcolepsy and falls asleep.

Well, time for Bella to be “deep” and “introspective”. Meaning she’s gonna whine for a few pages. *sighs* Strap in.

She first talks about how, when he’s asleep, he looks like old Jacob who existed strictly to be a plot device. Except the way she describes him sounds very motherly. Considering what goes down later in this book, that’s very squicky.

Mervin: Actually, it’s excellent foreshadowing.

Sands: Would you get out of here?! I’m tired of your cryptic messages about Breaking Dong!

*irritably starts things back up* She then decides to turn on the TV at a loud volume, because, as Jacob’s obviously exhausted, that’s a great thing to do. And even better, she’s not even really watching it—no, she randomly starts thinking about when she’s gonna get to convert to Mormonism. Sorry, get changed into a vampire. She has all of the excuses in the world to get changed, but we all know the only real reason. But she acknowledges that she’s not quite ready (which still came out of nowhere after her previous whining about it), and then starts whining that she wants Ed to be the one to change her. Why, you ask?

It was hard to define, even to myself, why it mattered. There was just something about him being the one to make the choice—to want to keep me enough that he wouldn’t just allow me to be changed, he would act to keep me. It was childish, but I liked the idea that his lips would be the last good thing I would feel. Even more embarrassingly, something I would never say aloud, I wanted his venom to poison my system. It would make me belong to him in a tangible, quantifiable way.

I really don’t see why more men aren’t into this series. Chicks say that Ed here is the perfect man—why don’t dudes see that Bella is the perfect woman? She actually wants to be property.

Things get stupid again. Bella brings up that stupid marriage subplot, and how telling people she was getting married would be harder than telling them she was turning into a vampire, and that her mother would object more to the marriage than to getting frickin’ turned into a vampire.

You know what, Meyer? Lick my asshole. This is ridiculous.

*yawns* Bella talks about her random vision of seeing herself married to Ed and back in the twenties or something. I’m not paying much attention. Then Jacob lays on her. We get that stupid, “Holy crow!” that Meyer is so fond of because she’s afraid of saying, “Holy shit!” When Bella shoves him off, he snaps awake, and then we find out that he apparently slept for maybe two hours. I don’t buy it—it did not seem like she’d been thinking about this, that, and the other thing for that long, because Meyer sucks. Bella makes to leave so Jacob can get to sleep, but he insists she stay and that they go for a walk. We learn Jacob’s irritated about falling asleep because he wanted to talk to her.

They go walking down the beach, small-talk happens, Jacob talks like he’s about to ask her to marry him, and she actually has no clue as to what this is leading up to. And what’s it all leading up to?

"I'm in love with you, Bella," Jacob said in a strong, sure voice. "Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him. I know you don't feel that way, but I need the truth out there so that you know your options. I wouldn't want a miscommunication to stand in our way."

Yeah, something we all already knew.

Wait—that’s the end of the chapter. Was that supposed to be the dramatic orchestra-hit ending that would make me so anxious to turn the page—or at least keep the tape going?

Didn’t work, Meyer. I just want to take a nap. And as a matter of fact, I am going to.

Mervin: You can’t do that! This chapter and the next go together!

Sands: Tough titty, bitch. You forked the recap over to me, that means I do it on my schedule, not yours. You recap it if you want these two chapters to go together. *kicks his feet up* Well?

Mervin: …damn you.

Sands: *smug*

Stinger: “Even more embarrassingly, something I would never say aloud, I wanted his venom to poison my system. It would make me belong to him in a tangible, quantifiable way.”

( Chapter 15 - Wager )

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!

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