Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Eclipse: Chapter 12

Hmm. *scrolls forward a bit* Damn. Only two chapters more before Jacob completes his transformation into the Big Furry Douche. So not looking forward to that. Like, at all.

Oh well. Onward and upward, I guess.

Chapter 12 – Time

So, we open up with attempted humor—Alice is being all gypsy-like with her visions. Wardo tries to elbow her, she dodges, and then informs Bella in no uncertain terms that she is throwing a graduation party, that it is basically for Bella, and that she has no choice but to attend. Alice, remember what happened the last time you did that? These people never learn. Anyway, then she says she “loves [her] gift” and is very smug about knowing what Bella will be getting her even though she hasn’t even gotten it yet, and once again, I’m sitting here scratching my head, trying to figure out just how the hell her stupid power works—because Bella, at this moment, has clearly not made a decision to get Alice anything, and yet Alice already knows—and it has been established that Alice can only see what people have decided upon. The thought has to be in their minds.

Meyer? You care to explain?

Wardo calls her annoying, and then Bella is stupid again. She apparently has no idea that it’s one week until graduation. Well, maybe if you took your head out of Wardo’s ass for a few minutes, you’d notice the date. Yet again, Meyer tells me one thing—oh, Bella is so observant and sharp—but shows me another. She’s not observant, nor is she sharp. She’s a vacant little bimbo.

So, Bella can’t “figure out where the days had gone”, and personally, neither can I—I didn’t think a few weeks had passed, either. More like a few days. And then…this happens.

I felt like someone had kicked my legs out from under me. The weeks of stress, of worry… somehow in the middle of all my obsessing over the time, my time had disappeared. My space for sorting through it all, for making plans, had vanished. I was out of time.

And I wasn't ready.

I didn't know how to do this. How to say goodbye to Charlie and Renée… to Jacob… to being human. I knew exactly what I wanted, but I was suddenly terrified of getting it.

In theory, I was anxious, even eager to trade mortality for immortality. After all, it was the key to staying with Edward forever. And then there was the fact that I was being hunted by known and unknown parties. I'd rather not sit around, helpless and delicious, waiting for one of them to catch up with me. In theory, that all made sense.

In practice… being human was all I knew. The future beyond that was a big, dark abyss that I couldn’t know until I leaped into it.

This simple knowledge, today's date—which was so obvious that I must have been subconsciously repressing it—made the deadline I'd been impatiently counting down toward feel like a date with the firing squad.

That’s right, folks. She’s been begging and pestering and whining and foot-stomping for immortality and eternal beauty for about three books now. She coerced Wardo into it, she coerced his whole family into it, she’s said repeatedly that she doesn’t give two shits about her friends and her family, told Jacob to his face that he wasn’t worth a hill of beans to her when it came to being turned into a vampire, has said multiple times that she thinks humanity sucks, she has done everything in her power to get her own way…and now she’s getting cold feet.

And you know what? It doesn’t work. At all. Because not only has Bella never mentioned any kind of hesitation when it comes to being turned, but that deadline is also not set. She could request not to be changed at any time. She’s not being forced into this, as she implies (unless it’s her fear of getting OMGSOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOLD!). This was her choice. If she’s not ready, she can just say, “I’m not ready.” It’s not that hard. Wardo would probably be thrilled (well, I would say that, except having heard about Midnight Sun from Hyde, I know he’s just as selfish as she is and, despite what he says, really does want to change her so he can keep her forever and ever).

Meyer, I know what you’re doing. People complained about lack of conflict in these books. People complained about how Bella is all ZOMG I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT I WANNA BE A VAMPIRE, so now you’re shoving this pastede on yey conflict in our faces. But that’s just what it is—pastede on yey. It doesn’t jive with anything we’ve read so far, it’s pointless, because she could just tell them to delay it, and it actually just sounds like she’s grasping at anything now so she can whine about it. I mean, she’s about to get her way in regards to vampirism—won’t have that to whine about anymore. So now she’s going to whine about GETTING vamped, because Bella can’t go two minutes without whining about something.

Not to mention that it actually sounds like she’s preparing to lose her virginity instead of her humanity.

So, all in all—yet again, Meyer, PHAIL.

Bella’s all pensive now, and then she says this: “Edward seemed to realize I was only there in body; he didn’t try to pull me out of my abstraction.” That is the second time Meyer has misused the word “abstraction”. Am I going to have to start including that in the Chagrin Count?

After throwing Alice out, they go to Bella’s house, and she continues to try and force conflict on us, and we still don’t buy it, and finally Wardo asks her what’s up. Actually, he grabs her face, forces her to look at him, and pretty much demands he tell her what’s up, not caring if she doesn’t want to talk about it or not. Sweet, Wardo. Bella finally spills the beans, continuing this contrived and patently fake drama, and Wardo cottons on to the fact that she’s not ready to be changed all of the sudden, but she continues to try and insist that she needs to be because of whoever pilfered her stuff before. Wardo says that’s nonsense, and that he’s not going to change her if she’s in danger, because this is about choice, after all—you know, that thing Meyer won’t let any of her characters have. Wardo talks about vampirism as though it is sacrifice, and how they all regret not being human, which is TOTAL BULLSHIT, because we’ve all seen Midnight Sun and how utterly contemptuous of humans Wardo and every other member of the Cullen clan are, and how everybody in this story, Bella, the Cullens, the Catholics, and Meyer all talk about how vampirism is awesomesauce and humanity is awesomenot. BULLSHIT.

Anyway, Bella keeps being “contrary out of habit”. That is a Meyer quote, not mine. Telling, isn’t it?

Wardo is patronizing some more, and he sounds very fatherly when he does so, which is creepy. Bella wants to ask a question—she wants to know what she’s supposed to be getting Alice. Wardo tells her it’s concert tickets, and THAT’S when Bella remembers that she considered getting them concert tickets, and that still doesn’t float with me, Meyer, because she hadn’t made a decision, and you really hammer it into us in this book that her power is all about decision. So, PHAIL. But Wardo is too, ahem, “canny” for his own good and knows Bella wants to ask something else, and she finally asks why he doesn’t want her to become a vampire.

Bella, he has answered this question numerous times. He has told you repeatedly why he doesn’t want you to be a vampire. He thinks it would be the destruction of your soul and condemn you to hell. It’s a religious thing. I have no idea why you can’t get this through your head.

So, Wardo explains yet again that he doesn’t want to condemn her soul, and he’s very—well, as earnest as Wardo can be, and then talks about some stuff mentioned in Midnight Sun—you know, how he’s willing to vamp her so he can keep her forever. He calls himself selfish, and as we all know, when you admit what you’re doing is bad, that makes it all A-OK! He also says this: “If there were any way for me to become human for you—no matter what the price was, I would pay it.

Now, how do you think Bella replies to this, hmm? Come on, guys, how does she ever reply to people opening up to her?

I sat very still, absorbing this.

Edward thought he was being selfish.

I felt the smile slowly spread across my face.

"So… it's not that you're afraid you won't… like me as much when I'm different—when I'm not soft and warm and I don’t smell the same? You really do want to keep me, no matter how I turn out?"

He exhaled sharply. "You were worried I wouldn't like you?” he demanded. Then, before I could answer, he was laughing. "Bella, for a fairly intuitive person, you can be so obtuse!"

I knew he would think it silly, but I was relieved. If he really wanted me, I could get through the rest… somehow. Selfish suddenly seemed like a beautiful word.

*sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose*


1) The concept of a soul just never even enters into her head, does it? He clearly doesn’t think they have one, but no, no, she doesn’t give crap about that. Who cares about his beliefs, eh? Not caring a lick about each other’s wants and needs is definitely True Love, I can tell. I mean, the less you care about them—especially about their big issues, like religious and moral beliefs—is the road to a long and healthy relationship!
2) And this whole time, of course, who was Bella thinking of? HERSELF AND WHO LIKES HER. That is all she thinks about. I swear, it is so annoying. All she cares about are what people think of her—specifically, beautiful people. She doesn’t ever say, “Screw it, I don’t care what they think of me.”
3) That’s very telling, Wardo, don’t you think? She believed you wouldn’t love her anymore if she changed into a vampire—and yet she was going to go ahead and do it anyway. I was tempted to write a fic using Wardo there, but the words wouldn’t flow.
4) And, of course, yet again—I’m supposed to think this is the Truest of True Loves, and how these two in their True Love can look past species, their Love is so True, and yet at every turn, Bella is making up reasons he’ll stop loving her so we can have some drama. If you’ll notice, Meyer, Buttercup and Westley—you know, that couple that is just SOOOOOO inferior to yours—never doubted their love.
5) That is all bullshit and you know it, Meyer.

So, then Wardo says something absolutely disgusting: “I don’t think you realize how much easier it will be for me, Bella…when I don’t have to concentrate all the time on not killing you.” Yeah. He’s more receptive to the idea because it will make things easy. He’s willing to compromise his beliefs and damn the soul of his One True Love to make things easy.


Wardo starts cataloguing all the things he’ll miss. He’ll miss her blushing, he’ll miss her heartbeat (yeah, I would miss the sound of a dinnerbell, too), and then he says they don’t matter, that is right, he said her being alive doesn’t matter, my GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MEYER????!!!!!!


He continues to talk about Bella as if she were a possession he was going to make more durable, rather than his True Love that he’s condemning, what a sweetie, and then he wants to ask a question. He wants to know why she won’t marry him. And, when he asks it, she, like, goes into shock or something. Tachycardia makes its tiresome appearance, she immediately breaks out into a sweat, and goes icy cold all over. And it’s extremely stupid. She tries to evade the question, and he prods until she agrees to answer, and her “face went from white to scarlet in a sudden blaze of chagrin”. That doesn’t work. She declares that it is just sooooo embarrassing, and you just know that once again, all she’s thinking about is what other people would be thinking about her. So, here you go.

I tilted my head back and glared at him, embarrassment making me lash out, belligerent.

"I'm not that girl, Edward. The one who gets married right out of high school like some small-town hick who got knocked up by her boyfriend! Do you know what people would think? Do you realize what century this is? People don’t just get married at eighteen! Not smart people, not responsible, mature people! I wasn't going to be that girl! That's not who I am…" I trailed off, losing steam.

Let’s make another little numbered list.

1) So, yes, I was right—once again, “What would everybody think?!” Well, Bella, what do you think everybody’s gonna think when you become a vampire? What do you think everybody’s gonna think when you completely cut them out of your life when you change? Do you not care about that? No, you don’t. So why care about this?
2) Plenty of people get married at eighteen, Bella. And they aren’t small-town hicks, either. They’re people just like you—gold diggers. Some women still go to college hoping to find themselves an MRS degree.
3) Oh, not smart and mature people, huh? Well, no worries with you, then. I have yet to see you be smart, responsible, or mature. So go ahead and get married.
4) Yet again, why are you so against getting married? Isn’t this guy your Truest Love of All True Loves? Makes no sense. None at all.

And then…well, their conversation goes thusly. Pay close attention to the two sentences I bolded, please.

"It's not that you were… more eager for immortality itself than for just me?"

And then, though I'd predicted that he would laugh, I was suddenly the one having hysterics.

"Edward!" I gasped out between the paroxysms of giggles. "And here… I always… thought that… you were… so much…smarter than me!"

He took me in his arms, and I could feel that he was laughing with me.

"Edward," I said, managing to speak more clearly with a little effort, "there's no point to forever without you. I wouldn't want one day without you."

Uh-huh. Well. Another list so soon? Yes, I think it’s necessary.

  • The majority of your begging to be turned has been because you don’t want to grow old. Sure, there are a few sprinklings of how you want to be with Wardo forever, but, yes, it’s mostly been about getting to be immortal.

  • When Wardo left in New Moon, you continually complained about how you wouldn’t get to be a vampire anymore.

  • When you were on a plane in New Moon, you begged Alice to change you—even though you still thought Wardo didn’t want you anymore—and was in danger of death if he didn’t see you alive and well.

  • When you were before the Catholics, you begged Wardo to change you—even though you still thought Wardo didn’t want you anymore.

  • You went around Wardo’s feelings on the matter and went straight to his family to get changed. You don’t care how he feels about it, and you have never cared how he feels about it.

  • Most importantly, and most recently, not one page ago, you revealed that even though you feared he wouldn’t love you anymore when you became a vampire, you were going to go through with the change anyway.

You are a LIAR, Bella. And I wish somebody would call her out on it. I would do it in fic form, but, like I said—I cannot write Wardo properly. I tried. It just didn’t work. I’m just so much better at pwning him then having him pwn somebody else.

Bella then says that it doesn’t matter either way, she doesn’t want to get married. Then Wardo says that she could try to consider his perspective on the matter. As Bella is a walking contradiction, Wardo, she cannot see anybody’s perspective but her own as well as automatically deferring to your perspective at the same time. She’s talented that way. So, it’s now time for Wardo’s perspective!

"You see, Bella, I was always that boy. In my world, I was already a man. I wasn't looking for love—no, I was far too eager to be a soldier for that; I thought of nothing but the idealized glory of the war that they were selling prospective draftees then—but if I had found…" He paused, cocking his head to the side. "I was going to say if I had found someone, but that won't do. If I had found you, there isn't a doubt in my mind how I would have proceeded. I was that boy, who would have—as soon as I discovered that you were what I was looking for—gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. I would have wanted you for eternity, even when the word didn't have quite the same connotations."

‘Kay, first off.


Second, there’s more of that predestination and lack of free will crap that Meyer’s always shoving in our faces. Nope, it was never going to be anyone else—he was changed into a vampire because he had to wait ninety years to get to his Two Wuv. Well, SHIT ON THAT, Meyer.

Third, yeah, you “endeavoring” to secure her hand in marriage, that’s not creepy at all. Nice to see that even if he were human, he’d still stalk her and obsess over her and manipulate her into being with him.

Fourth, what the hell does that have to do with anything? That didn’t explain your viewpoint at all. All that said was you were too busy being gay thinking about joining the army to get a girl. Okay, so…what does that have to do with Bella not wanting to get married?

This is all so goddamned forced and pointless. Anyway.

Wardo does that stupid, stupidcrooked smile” again, and there are some days when I’d just like to carve it into his face, since Meyer’s so fond of it—just make it permanent. He has to remind her to breathe, because his rather pointless narrative up there has sent her into a terrible, panicky tailspin. Why, I do not know. He asks her if she could see his side of it now, whatever that may be—I still don’t know it, because that up there was so ridiculously idiotic—and Bella has “Anne of Green Gables flashbacks” for no reason whatsoever. And what do you mean by flashbacks? What—you actually played Anne at one point, or something?

And so she tells him no, she can’t see his side, because she’s got such a narrow range of vision, Wardo, she can’t see anything but her own. We all know this, why won’t you wake up and smell the coffee? So, they have this conversation to end the subject and this section:

"The thing is, Edward," I said in a shaky voice, avoiding the question, "in my mind, marriage and eternity are not mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive concepts. And since we're living in my world for the moment, maybe we should go with the times, if you know what I mean."

"But on the other hand," he countered, "you will soon be leaving time behind you altogether. So why should the transitory customs of one local culture affect the decision so much?"

I pursed my lips. "When in Rome?"

He laughed at me. "You don't have to say yes or no today, Bella. It's good to understand both sides, though, don't you think?"

"So your condition…?"

"Is still in effect. I do see your point, Bella, but if you want me to change you myself…"

"Dum, dum, dah-dum," I hummed under my breath. I was going for the wedding march, but it sort of sounded like a dirge.

Bella…what…what does that even mean? You want to be with Wardo forever…but you don’t want to get married? You declare him your soulmate and your destined and your True Love and you want eternity with him, one way or another, but marriage, well, that’s just out of the question. Because it has nothing to do with love, amirite? Yeah, Wardo’s Prince Valium, all right. I take one look at his dialogue and fall right to sleep.

It’s rather interesting to watch these two talk. It obviously means a lot to Bella to have Wardo change her. And, if you ignore A) she apparently doesn’t give a lick about the fact that he thinks she’s a Beggin’ Strip, and B) that it is incredibly cruel to want him to ultimately be the one to, in his mind, be the one who condemns her soul to Hell and look at it purely on the vampire = sex metaphor, she obviously doesn’t want her bloody neck cherry popped by Carlisle—she wants it popped by Wardo there. And what is the first thing Wardo does with that strong desire? Finds a way to manipulate it and make her do something that he wants. You know, I’ve heard of compromise. Compromise is a good thing in a marriage. But all these two do is sit around and think about ways they can use and abuse the other to best get what they want. That’s just wrong.

Oh, and Wardo? C’mere, you asshole. *heaves a sigh* I hate it when I’m on her side, but dammit, you drive me to distraction.


Stop looking for all the ways in the world to force your girlfriend to marry you. That’s just SICK. She doesn’t want to, the very thought sends her into convulsions, and you don’t give CRAP about it. Yeah, you really love her, all right. YOU FRICKIN’ ASSHOLE.

Man. Hyde’s right. You hate Bella the most if you just read the four published books. Then you look at Midnight Sun—even just a little bit—and suddenly, you hate Wardo SO MUCH MORE.

Scene change!

Bella talks about how she’s not gonna get all of her studying done for the finals, and it is completely random and a total contradiction from what we’ve been told previous—you know, about how awesome and smart she is and how Forks High doesn’t challenge her at all—and then she picks up the paper Charlie left on the kitchen table to look for an ad for the nameless concert so she can get the number and order the tickets, because you apparently can’t order tickets online in Forks. But lo! We are distracted by the front page. It’s a huge, long article about the killings in Seattle. And I’ve got a few bones to pick with it.

  • It opens up talking about Gary Ridgway. And I bring that up because, if you will recall, Hyde called Wardo Gary Ridgway in Chapter 1 of Midnight Sun in her recap. Independently. She didn’t know Meyer brings him up in this book. Just thought I’d throw that out there. MEYER.

  • So, in the last three months, 39 people have been murdered. And we’ve heard very little of it, because Bella’s been too busy sucking Wardo’s dick (figuratively, of course, since that sort of thing isn’t allowed in Mormonville) and worrying about how soon she’s going to become beautiful and immortal and rich. I tend to think that 39 people in three months would warrant a little more news coverage and attention—people everywhere would be talking about that, because that is bad. So, best I can tell, Bella’s simply been completely and deliberately ignoring it. No surprise—she gladly shoved the paper away from her when she was reminded that it was a newborn vampire, and she hates being reminded of the bad parts of being a Sparkly White Is Right Mormon Vampire.

  • The victims are racially diverse: Caucasians, African Americans, Hispanics, and Asians.” Well, there you go. That’s the only mention we ever get of people who Aren’t White and that they do, in fact, exist (well, exist to be eaten and dead’d by the Mormons vampires, anyway). Enjoy it while you can.

  • There is a part in here about every body being burned. Um, why? If they’re uncontrollable newborns, why do they have the wherewithal to burn the bodies? And then they talk about how it’s like the bodies were drenched in gas and torched, but they can’t find any evidence of an accelerant. No, this is never brought up again, and no, it doesn’t make any sense.

  • Apparently, our killer vampires here are so good they have no fingerprints—because I refuse to believe that a hungry newborn vampire would be cautious enough to leave no fingerprints behind.

  • Okay, Meyer lost me when she talks about the guy who was snatched out of a crowded movie theater and nobody noticed—not even his date, who was sitting right next to him. No. That is not believable. Not by any stretch of the imagination. PHAIL.

  • They still don’t know it’s Victoria. Idiots.

As Bella finishes up the article, Wardo pops up behind her and surprise buttsex ensues startles her. She shoves the paper under his nose, and he says that they really need to do something about this problem. Which just amused me, because at the first of this damned book he flippantly and firmly declared that it wasn’t their problem and the subject was closed until…pretty much now, actually. Oh, and when he saw the paper, “a frown creased his forehead”. That takes talent, you know.

He then says that Alice isn’t Seeing what’s going on, and his Forehead Frown deepens (seriously—that is making me laugh). He thinks it’s a big vicious cycle, because they won’t go until she Sees something, so she’s not Seeing anything. And then Wardo decides that today’s a good day to skip class so they can both go talk to Jasper. Don’t know why she needs to go, but, hey. We get a reminder that Jasper’s rather an outsider, and are also reminded that he totally doesn’t like to eat animals and has trouble sticking to the diet because he wants to nom people all the time—he only does he because Alice wouldn’t approve otherwise (great guy, huh). Which makes me wonder why Alice eats animals, anyway. Do we ever find out how she started that up? Surely she ate people for a while. I digress.

They head to the Casa del Cullen, where Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper have to be smug bastard vampires even when there isn’t anybody watching, because look at how awesome they are—they can watch TV with the volume almost on mute. They are way better than you. Alice is moping, having a fit because her Perfect Power is not working for the sake of the plot. Damn you, Meyer.

Emmett, fortunately, senses my distress and arrives to deliver some Awesome. Turns out he’s totally unruffled, and I so wish he had a beer in his hand. He’s all relaxed, and when Wardo talks about how they can’t allow the killings to continue (fuck you, you asshole, you’re the one who dismissed them in chapter one!), Emmett declares that they should go deliver the smackdown now because “[he’s] dead bored”.


Rosalie pitches a fit over that, and Emmett rolls his eyes. Then Carlisle… *snarls*

Carlisle says he doesn’t want to go because they “aren’t the Volturi” and that “it’s not [their] business”.

That is right, folks. You read that correctly. Meyer just put WARDO’S words into CARLISLE’S mouth—the one who’s the most sympathetic and feeling for humans in this whole damned series—just so make Wardo look better. She just shat on Carlisle’s character to make me think that Wardo is all full of empathy towards humans and is just that sensitive.

Well, guess what? It don’t work. Because Wardo says he wants to go simply because he doesn’t want the Catholics in their business. Not for the people. No, they don’t matter—we just don’t want the Catholics being nosey.

And don’t give me any sort of crap about how you feel badly about the humans dying, Esme. I DON’T BELIEVE IT FOR ONE GODDAMNED SECOND. YOU ARE ON MY LIST. YEAH, I’VE READ MIDNIGHT SUN. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HUMANS.

Then Wardo decides now is a good time to be smug about his telepathy and answers Jasper before he even speaks. You know, just to maintain all this mystery and have everybody ask what they’re talking about. Because we all enjoy that so.

*eats shards of hot glass*

Jasper fidgets for a bit, then says that Bella is probably confused—when is she not? If you weren’t such a completely peripheral and pointless character, Jasper, you’d be included in the story and know about that already.

And then Emmett is Awesome again by grumbling that Jasper and Wardo are being assholes by having a private conversation and not including anybody else in the conversation and getting to the point.

And so, with such drama unfolding in Seattle and a nice lure set before us and a hint that maybe Jasper and Wardo have an idea as to what’s going on up there, now is a perfect time for Story Time!

Emmett yet again knows I’m irritated and pretty much personifies exactly what I did when Jasper asked, “How much do you know about me, Bella?

Emmett sighed theatrically, and plopped down on the couch to wait with exaggerated impatience.

Because, you know, he’s Awesome.

So, Jasper decides the best thing to do is to totally overdramatize the situation and rips back his sleeves to reveal, like, fifty billion bite mark scars all over his perfect marbleness, just like the one she got from James. Oh, and check out this sentence: “I held out my hand, the silvery crescent more prominent against my cream skin than against his alabaster.” Once again, yeah, we can tell you really are totally self-deprecating, Bella. Cream skin indeed. You’re curdled. Not to mention that the first thing she thinks of upon seeing that someone used Jasper as a chew toy is herself.

Chapter ends with Bella asking just what in the hell happened to him for him to get all those. And, normally, I’d be doing the next chapter to go along with this installment, but I’m tired and I hate having such long periods between posts. So, there you have it.

Paul Count: 0

Stinger: “Emmett sighed theatrically, and plopped down on the couch to wait with exaggerated impatience.”

( Chapter 13 - Newborn )

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