Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

15 Reasons to See Twilight (And One Reason Not To)

*Warnings: A little language, innuendo, and make-out pictures.

Apologies in advance if some of the pictures do not appear to be as high quality as others. The movie isn’t out on Blue Ray yet—I had to make do with what I could find. I hope it doesn’t detract from the picspam. If it does, feel free to tell me. It’s my first one, after all, and constructive criticism is always nice.

As everyone knows, Robert Pattinson’s Hair is actually a separate, sentient being that acts as a security system to warn him of stalking fangirls. However, it has recently become more and more independent, causing RPattz to go so far as to hide it under a sock hat (most people thought he was just imitating a hobo). The Hair was most aggrieved when it did not receive separate billing in the credits and probably whispered evil things to RPattz every night afterwards. RPattz attempted to silence it by chopping most of it off, but that only angered it. I am quite positive that one night, he is going to wake up to find his Hair covered in blood, and then hear on the news about a series of freak attacks on raving fangirls that took place the previous night.

Very simply because he is. He wrestles grizzly bears, his girlfriend is way hotter than yours (and you, for that matter), he’s not afraid to tell anybody to put a sock in it and cool their asses down, never gives into despair, is always up for a fight, and goes through life thinking everything is for the lulz.

Can you do a high kick like that? Do you wear Tim Burton-esque stockings or a scarf when you play? Do you leap twenty feet into the air, collide with, and then roll around in the grass with your adopted brother? Do you look as good as Jasper? Why, no, you can’t, and you don’t. You suck.

Don’t you buy any of that nonsense in the source material about James being so plain as a vampire because he was hideously ugly as a human. This is movie!James, and he is as hot as hot can be—you just don’t want to admit it. Face it—this guy somehow manages to make clichéd mustache twirling sexy as hell. What’s even better is that it’s quite obvious that the guy who plays him is having the time of his life.

Edward sees what you did there. And he likes it.

Most people had been under the impression that you couldn’t take sharp, pointy objects—you know, like a cactus—as a carryon. But apparently not in the realm of Twilight! I am so taking a cactus with me the next time I get on a plane.

Here Rosalie’s been cooking—in her no doubt expensive leather gloves—for somebody she doesn’t even like, and she’s making food she can’t even eat. Bella admittedly tries to be polite and says she’ll be happy to eat, but Edward there has to ruin it all by informing the family that Bella already ate. The other Cullens get the politely downcast look. But not Rosalie! She smashes the bowl she’s holding and goes from zero to bitch in less than a second. I know that I’m supposed to not like her for that, but honestly, I just cheer her on—because she’s the only good-guy character thus far that doesn’t kiss Bella’s butt, which is refreshing. That makes her a badass in my book.

cleolinda put it best: This is Important. You know, for life in general.

Every single thing Jasper wears or carries or accessorizes with is awesome. I don’t know if it’s because he’s gay or because he just lets Alice dress him, but he looks great all the time. He’s got an old fashioned umbrella, too. You know someone’s pimpin’ if they carry one of those.

What is with these vampires and awesome hair? And I would like to note that, while wigs abounded on the set of Twilight, the girl in the upper right, Victoria? I understand that that is her real hair. *envy*

Yeah, yeah, Epic Romance and True Love are great and all—but who wants that when you can slash all these pretty men? Look at that! James and Edward are so totally making out. And don’t even get me started on Carlisle nibbling on his “son’s” neck there.

Edward and Bella in the books never got intimate—well, that’s probably not even the right word to use—so, never got kissy-face without three layers of heavy cloth between them. Frankly, I found this prudery at odds with the fact that Edward here is always crawling into Bella’s bedroom window in the middle of the night. Bella in the novel apparently wears Eskimo-wear to bed, I guess, and there must be at least two car-lengths blankets between the couple. Not so here—no, Bella wears what any normal person would wear to bed: Underpants! And does Edward have his sensibilities all offended as he probably would in the book? No! He just jumps her and starts getting into it before he suffers from a spaz attack and tries to punt himself through the wall. Would you rather have premarital underpants and loud, slurpy kissing, or just a little bit of good chaste cuddling that involves nothing but Edward humming? Oh, I think you know the answer to that.

In the movie, something HAPPENED. In the book, you didn’t see one bit of this. After all the dramatic lead up to the big fight between James and the Cullens, Bella just went and passed out while Edward and Co. disposed of James. In my book, that is Very Bad Form. In the movie, not only do we get to see James and Edward slapping each other around, but we also get to watch Alice jump up and tear James’s head off and all three of them dance around James’s burning corpse like they just scored a touchdown. So, for anybody who thought that the action sequence was short and not very good? Just remember that there was absolutely NOTHING in the book. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have that than nothing, because at least something happens. Not to mention that, as noted in #12, there’s all that slashy subtext.

I can see that you think I’m joking. I’m not—and neither was he. Shine on, you prissy diamond.

The great and wise Emmett hath spoken. It’s all for the lulz. Just look at all that up there and try to tell me that you didn’t LOL.

And now, I must play devil’s advocate. There is actually one very good reason why you should not see it—and all the lulz in the world can’t save this one.

OMFG. Sorry, guys—that is not romantic. That scene right there is something straight out of Halloween, and I freaked out so bad that the kid sitting next to me in the theater gave me a strange look.

And before you start ragging on the movie too hard for Edward and his stalky creepiness, remember—that’s in the book, too. In fact, it’s worse in the book, if you can believe it.

So, there you have it! If all that doesn’t make you go see Twilight, I don’t know what will.

Well, besides that last point, there.

Hail and farewell, gentle viewers.


Screencaps by janine83 and dj43 @ dj_capslock
Promotional stills from cleolinda and Google Images
“Premarital underpants”, shirtless James’s Importance © cleolinda’s Twilight recap @ m15m
“Shine on, you prissy diamond” © cleolinda
Homage to “Growing Up Cullen

Tags: picspam
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