Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Midnight Sun: Chapter 3

Well, I remember sitting there boggling when I read this scene in Twilight. Turns out that it's even more logic-defying from Wardo's POV.

Take it away, Mrs. Hyde!

Chapter 3: Phenomenon

Where were we? Oh, yes—last chapter, Wardo decided to come back to Forks, both despite and because of Bella Beggin’ Strips, and we the audience were nauseated by his already growing obsession after one stilted, stupid conversation during which he declares her a Unique and Special Snowflake. Oh, and he’s an asshole.

Moving on?

We open with Wardo and Carlisle out hunting—ostensibly to help him ward off Bella’s nomminess, but I really just think this was exposition time. There is some distressingly lover-like imagery between the two, what with Wardo commenting that they “hadn’t been alone together since [he’d] returned from Denali”. Which only further canons the weird, creepy, incestuous scene in the movie where Carlisle changes him. Wardo, despite his assertions that he blocks his family’s thoughts, is listening in quite cheerfully to Carlisle’s, probably because he is worrying over Wardo (who likes to hear people think/talk about him as much as Bella does)—at least, at first. Bella’s powers are quite strong, though, because soon enough the conversation comes around to her.

Carlisle wants to know why he came back, if he was afraid of eating her, and Wardo says that he didn’t like being such a pussy, to which I said he should just give up now. Wardo is then creepy because when Carlisle asks him if it’s his pride keeping him here, he says no, not anymore. He can’t leave, Carlisle—he has to go sneak into Bella’s room and sniff her underpants!


Carlisle then offers to pack up the family and move, but Wardo won’t have any of that, either, and even Carlisle doesn’t get his sudden obsession with staying, but says that he’ll respect his privacy, which is certainly more than Wardo’s ever done for anybody—especially Bella, and he actually admits it right here. Wardo needs a hit with the same clue-bat that Mervin wants to work Bella over with: Just because you acknowledge that what you are doing is wrong while you keep right on doing it doesn’t make it okay!

So now that the audience is both disgusted and disturbed, we can get back to the important part of our story—that being Bella (who is really SMeyer). Wardo is sitting by a river somewhere before school starts, angsting prettily again over Bella. It’s cold and it’s snowed/iced, and I’m sure you can see what’s coming next, particularly since his description of the snow and ice sounds oddly familiar—as in, nearly C&P’d from Bella’s description in Twilight.

Wardo tells us all how his absence can be pretty easily explained away, which really begs the question of WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE, YOU IDIOT?! If you really are that dangerous, and, as you tell us, Bella is so wonderful and delicate and precious that she shouldn’t be hurt, then why don’t you just get the hell out of Dodge? But no, he tells himself that he can handle this, won’t have to deal with her for too long, because she’ll be gone in a year and a half. Probably off to marry someone, he thinks, because that’s what wimmin are for, and then for no reason spins up some elaborate fantasy of her getting married, “dressed all in white and walking at a measured pace, her arm through her father’s”, all that crap, and then remarks on how it was “odd, the pain that imaged caused [him]”.

Did you guys get that? Did you see where SMeyer was going, there? Just wanted to make sure—I can see how it’s easy to miss, and all—she’s just so subtle.

Wardo angsts some more, tells himself that he should leave but won’t, and refers to his “obsessive curiosity”, and if it were anyone else, I’d direct him to Lucy Van Pelt, because admitting you have a problem is the first indication that you are no too far gone—but no, he’s definitely beyond all hope.

This is really all very boring. I don’t think there is quite as much of the random filler details that dogged Twilight, but it still reads like stereo instructions.

Wardo goes to get ready for school, and Alice is there, and she’s seen that he’s leaving—despite the fact that he’s going to go back to school today to get one last nosefull of Bella’s outrageous flavor. She suggests that she and Jasper could go with him on his flounce and calls Jasper “Jazz” again, as she does in Breaking Dawn, which is stupid because a) she never called him that until Breaking Dawn, b) because it really isn’t in keeping with the characters that SMeyer has tried to establish—although that shouldn’t surprise me—and c) because it reads like a typical Sue-fic wherein the characters all have to have clever little nicknames to show how awesome they are.

Wardo refuses her offer—he can’t do that to Esme, taking away “half her family in one blow”, because Family is Everything to the good little Mormon doormat that Esme is. Alice tries to reverse guilt Wardo into staying with the same tactic, Bella be damned, I guess, and they muse over what is right and what is wrong, and we get a tantalizing glimpse of some possible coolness of Alice’s gift by Wardo listening in on her thoughts. We see a swirling, dizzying mess of possible futures, too rapid to really see or interpret, which is kinda neat, but it’s promptly ruined by the one semi-clear one, and yes, it’s Wardo sparkling in a field with a nebulous figure that he can’t quite see and just the thought of that is enough to sour me on not just Alice’s gift, but really the whole chapter.

Alice tells him that things are all shift-y like that because he “is at a crossroads”. Oh, and what do you know—I’ve seen something like that before!

“Well, I thought it shifted anyway. It looks like you’re still in the stone corridor. I think you just triggered something. There’s curses flying through the air at you.”

“Have they hit us?” Ariana asked, suddenly very anxious.

“I can’t tell. They’re about to-hey!” he cried. “The damn ball just went blank!”

“That was odd.” Edmund said softly.

“I’ll say.” Ariana said. She noticed the very thoughtful look on Reginald’s face. “Something up, Reg?”

“Just thinking of something Professor Trelawney said once.” he said.

“And what’s that?” Edmund asked.

“Sometimes a ball will go blank if you’re seeing a Crossroads.”

“Crossroads?” Ariana asked.

“An event that can go either way. One that isn’t set in stone.” he explained. “I think that’s what I just saw. If that event happens, it can go either way.”

Airhead, Year 7, chapter 21.

Go figure, huh?

Back in our story, Wardo tells Alice that she sounds like a “bogus gypsy at a carnival”, which admittedly isn’t bad for a little ironic humor, but as these people have no senses of humor and are really just a bunch of smug dickweeds, I really can’t get behind it.

They all get ready and ride to school, and we get some nice SMeyer dead herring-ing with her constant emphasis of, “Yes, Wardo is totally leaving today. This is his last day at school. He’d definitely not coming back. Don’t even think that he might stay. Did I mention that he’s not coming back? Because he isn’t. Coming back, I mean.” Right.

Wardo whines about being alllllll alooooooone in the world, surrounded by his family, all of whom have found their One True Sealed in the Temple for Time and Eternity Loves already, and DAMMIT, SMeyer, we get it, okay?! Everyone in the world has a “perfectly matched lover” just waiting for them, and Wardo has found his but just doesn’t know it yet, but when he does, their Love will be the Love to End All Loves! GET ON WITH IT!!!

*trembling on the edge of a Paul, but gets a hold on herself*

Part of what made me keep from Pauling was the humor of the next lines. We all laughed about Bella’s tantrum to Wardo that “you wish you had just let me die!” right? Well, SMeyer once again unintentionally shows us something that she didn’t quite intend to—that Wardo and Bella are in fact made for each other, because Wardo’s next thoughts are, “WAH! Everyone would just be happier if I went away and never came back anyway!” You just know that if he’d been at home, he’d have run upstairs and locked himself in his room for an extended pout and wouldn’t come out for a week after that.

They get to school, and even Wardo knows he isn’t fooling himself when he claims that he looks for Bella first thing just to be ready for her Bacony Smell. That doesn’t stop him from doing it, of course. The rest of the Cullens are both awesome and sucky at the same time—awesome, because they ditch Wardo, “bored with [his] fixation”, and sucky because Wardo tells us it’s because they don’t get how any mere human could be that interesting.

Stuck-up racist bastards, the lot of them—and yes, that includes you too, Wardo.

Alice, being the fellow Special Snowflake that she is, sticks around while Wardo bores holes in Bella with his eyes. She had arrived, driving in her truck, and Wardo is an idiot and remarks that everyone is being careful because of the ice (I guess it didn’t occur to him because the Cullens are vampires and therefore above silly things like physics and the loss of traction), and even though everyone is being careful, Wardo somehow declares that she is being more careful, and is thus a Serious and Responsible Person.

Two words: Cliff Diving.

He is being mega-creepy again, obsessing over her every move. What could have been done as a typical teenaged boy agonizing over going over and trying to talk to his crush just comes across as him toying with the notion of preying on her (and I know SMeyer was going for the possibility of the eating kind, but that’s totally not the vibe you get).

We narration with that same C&P’d feel as before, with emphasis on how OMGClumsy! Bella is, and I can honestly say that at this point, I don’t know if the endless reiteration of all the exact same things that we saw from Bella’s point of view is merely SMeyer’s lazy, crappy writing, or the combination of both that and her crappy characterization of Wardo as the stalker to end all stalkers, obsessing over every single tiny thing about her. And the worst part is that it’s actually supposed to be all sweet, watching him watch her be all tender toward Charlie about putting the chains on her tires as he decides to go talk to her and to actually touch her.

But suddenly the animator suffers a fatal heart attack, the tender moment is interrupted when—GASP! Alice has had a vision! Wardo peeps as a matter of course, and OH NOES!! The Van of Doom! And it’s headed straight for Bella!

NOOOOOOOOOOO! Wardo goes totally Darth Vader on us—we can’t kill the “focal point of [his] world!” What would he have to obsess over then? Really—the use of the word “my” there is both creepy and telling—in that it’s distressingly possessive, and that he’s obviously thinking about himself, here.

Apparently the VoD is moving is slow motion, because Bella has time to get up, look vacantly around, stare at Wardo for a while, and then calmly turn to face the truck and wait to die. But no! “Not her!” Wardo cries in his head, because she is his One True Love Destined to be with him Forever and he must have her!

SUPER WARDO IS SUPER! He goes racing across the parking lot to “Chariots of Fire”, I’m sure, and I really can just see him charging with his head down to ram the thing, and leaps in to get to Bella. Despite his super-eyesight, “everything was a streaky blur except for the object of [his] focus”. That was actually relatively subtle, for SMeyer—except that I’m sure she didn’t mean to, and given all the previous stuff? Still creepy.

Wardo leaps into the fray and tosses Bella around like a sack of potatoes and cracks her skull on the ground—so now we’re getting some nice physical abuse imagery to go with the stalking. Good, that’s exactly that I wanted. And nice to see that his idea of saving Bella is still like it is in New Moon—to throw her around and do at least as much, if not more damage to her in the process. Although it doesn’t make much sense here—he “yanked” her out of the way, and he crashes to the ground with her in his arms, and yet she still whacks her head? I’m having trouble visualizing this. But that’s nothing compared to what’s next.

So Bella is safely out of the way, right? But OH NOES AGAIN, the car is still coming!

I am not kidding. SMeyer actually wrote that “it was changing course, arcing, coming for her again.

WHAT THE HELL?!! The car spun out, hit her truck, and when it realized it missed her, turned around and came back for more?! What is this, Trucks?!

Look—I know that SMeyer is an idiot when it comes to basic sciences, okay? But, dude—how can you not know just by common sense how elastic and inelastic collisions work? Or back to even more basic stuff than that, that an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force! A moving car won’t just spontaneously change direction mid-flight! If it hit her car, it would either stop—an inelastic collision—or bounce off—an elastic collision—probably in either the same direction that it came from, or at the same angle in the opposite direction.

But not in this mad little world! No—the VoD slams into her car, stops, changes direction, wraps itself around her truck, and then leaps into the air and tries to jump on her.


And again, in what is supposed to be a tense, rapidly-moving scene, Wardo has to take time out to ponder the meaning of life and how this will affect his situation. I think he’s being all deep again, telling us how he’s risking everything for Bella, and tells us that it’s stupid of him to be this obsessed over her in hopes that we’ll disagree with him, but we don’t, and his little time out here really ruins any pacing of the scene.

Then were back in the middle of things—the VoD can’t get enough and is still trying to crush Bella, so Wardo catches it, and somehow it the force of it falling down throws him backwards? Into a different car? Eh, whatever—I’m not even going to try anymore. Wardo curses, that naughty boy, you’ll have to wash your mouth out with soap (I bet he said “poopie”), and then hauls Bella out of the way again and drops the car, and best I can tell, he was standing there holding it over his head, because when he lets it drop, it’s enough to make “all the windows shatter in unison”.


Good GOD, but that was the stupidest car crash scene I have ever read!

And then any and all humor is immediately sapped by SMeyer walloping us with her “romance” that just comes across as predatory—yet again—with Wardo putting all his worries of being outed as a vamp in favor of drooling over the thought of “her soft body, pressed against [his]—even through the double obstacle of our jackets, [he] could feel that heat…

That could have been scary-creepy, in keeping with the eating/sex traditionally associated with vampires. But in the context of this stalking ass? Ick.

And then Wardo looks down at her, and—GASP. She wasn’t knocked out—and she’s looking right at him! Despite him moving faster than the eye can see and (ostensibly) an accident like that taking only a few seconds and the human mind often having trouble remembering with such events, she clearly saw it all!

But he can’t be bothered with that right now, because he has to make sure that his property wasn’t damaged. Er, I mean, that Bella’s okay. I mean, because he just feels “safer” when he has his mitts on her, and he doesn’t want to lose his Precious. There was no bleeding, which he’s happy about, so he won’t have to nom—and there we have SMeyer throwing away a possible good plot point, with him having issues being that close to her, but we get nothing of the kind—and then he’s all anxious that she might have internal damage, and he is “abruptly anxious to get her to Carlisle and a full compliment of radiology equipment”, and did I ever LOL at that, because Sweet Fancy Moses, was that straight out of “Growing Up Cullen,” or what?!

And then, yes, we go straight into the same old C&P’s Twilight dialogue as Bella the Idiot, who apparently just witnessed Wardo stop the car with the strength of ten Grinches plus two, just wants to know how he moved so fast. Wardo gets all stiff and cold, because oh, dear, she noticed him vamping out (but not really). He decides he needs some space because she smells good—and get used to this smelling good thing coming and going whenever its convenient—and so when Bella “struggled to move again…this time [he] allowed it”.

A reasonable turn of phrase. Nothing terribly sinister on its own. But taking into account that it’s Edward Cullen?

Anyway, Wardo and Bella look deeeeeeeep in each other’s eyes for a moment, and Wardo peeps on peoples’ thoughts to see that no one else saw him hoist the car over his head like the Stanley Cup (they didn’t), and then he goes back to Bella, who whines because it’s cold on the ground where he won’t let her get up (not because, you know, he won’t let her get up), and then she pushes again that he was way away across the parking lot—he could only have lifted the car off of her if he had been next to her at the time. Wardo informs her that he was right next to her, and in a surprising moment of defiance toward her Man, she denies it and asserts her own opinion—the last time we see that, as we all know.

Wardo patronizingly remarks how childlike she seems when being stubborn, which gives us a nice dash of pedophilia for their relationship, and promptly gets panicky because clearly a confused memory of something that is impossible by a girl who was just in a car accident is enough for her to know that he is a vampire. So he fusses over keeping her quiet, staring into her eyes hoping to force her to accept his version of the events, but still taking time to describe her as Unique and Special again, and begs her to…just trust him on that, that he was standing right there, and finds that he “wanted her to trust [him]. Wanted it badly…” Because that makes it so much easier to control, doesn’t it?

So she makes him promise to explain everything later, and really, I’m sorry, but this makes no sense. Seriously. It’s been said time and time again, but this is ridiculous. Even if she did somehow remember every clear detail about this accident—which she obviously doesn’t, as she doesn’t seem aware that Wardo just folded up a car like an origami crane—people just don’t do this. When people see something impossible, they tend to just…write it off. Honestly—most people don’t want to call attention to themselves for seeing something odd—other people will think they’re crazy. Or the person themselves will let logic take over, and just convince themselves that they must have been mistaken. Wardo hears in everyone else’s minds that all the people around them came to this conclusion (since all the people around them have nothing better to do than watch Wardo and Bella). Is this supposed to show how smart Bella is, to figure this out? Or to let us all know what a unique and special snowflake she is, or what?

Anyway, Wardo starts thinking of ways to discredit her and make her story sound foolish, as if it wouldn’t already, and its so nice to see that he’s already finding ways to subjugate her to his will, isn’t it? They both wait there—apparently, they have to move the VoD off of them, like it’s wrapped them in some kind of steel cocoon, and I’m not even going to try to envision that, and the EMTs are there. We hear nothing about them collecting Tyler, the driver of the VoD. After only a cursory glance at Wardo, they concentrate on Bella, and that being the case, those guys need to be fired—there’s a guy apparently wearing two tons of steel wrapped around his neck, but he says he’s fine so they let him go? Right.

Wardo tells them that Bella might have a concussion, and she “[shoots] him a fierce look of betrayal. Oh, that was right. She was the quiet martyr—she’d prefer to suffer in silence”.

…she’d prefer to silently suffer BRAIN DAMAGE?!

That isn’t being a martyr—that is being an IDIOT. And it’s compounded by her being all embarrassed and stuff at being seen with the neck brace that’s supposed to keep her from compounding a SPINAL INJURY, and DEAR GOD, CAN THIS BINT GET ANY DUMBER?!

Sorry—that just really, really pissed me off when I read that—in both these books. Yeah, we can’t have you looking anything but your best in front of Your Man, can you? Even at the risk of physical harm.

SMeyer sucks.

And she doesn’t score any points with me by taking the opportunity to remark on how different Bella is from the masses yet again. Yeah, she’s different—she’s stupid as hell.

Charlie shows up, and we get a nice insight into Wardo’s character—like we wanted to see any more of what goes on in that black cesspool between his ears. He says that Charlie’s head is full of “wordless concern” for Bella, but soon realizes that no, it isn’t wordless, he just can’t hear him very well. Well, that was almost an explanation for why he can’t hear Bella. Almost—not quite. If it was some kind of hereditary genetic quirk, maybe I could buy it—but not just that. And then Wardo tells us this:

I’d never spent much time around the town’s police chief. I’d always taken him for a man of slow thought—now I realized that I was the one who was slow. His thoughts were partially concealed, no absent. I could only make out the tenor, the tone of them…

I wanted to listen harder, to see if I could find this new, lesser puzzle the key to the girl’s secrets.

So—if you can’t hear them, they’re obviously stupid then, right? As if you, the Great and Perfect and Infallible Wardo, could be the problem? Oh, and what’s your first thought here, as Charlie is sick with worry for his daughter who is being loaded onto an ambulance? How you can mind-rape him for private and personal information about his daughter!


Anyway, Wardo just jumps right in the front of the ambulance—I guess you can do that if you’re a Sparklepire—and rides there to the hospital, spying on everyone all the way. But mostly Bella—even to the point that he tells us that as he goes to find Carlisle to tell him what he did, he keeps watching her through all the people around him.

Carlisle jumps up, and at the sight of Wardo’s face, he goes pale—nuh-uh, SMeyer! *wags finger* You said vampires don’t blush—then how can they go white? You lose!

Anyway, Carlisle has assumed Wardo gave in and chowed down, because apparently this situation is just an absolute catastrophe of that magnitude, and Wardo tells him no, it wasn’t that, and gives him the skinny on his saving Bella from VoD, because this has apparently but their whole family in terrible danger.

Um…I’m having trouble with that one. It’s be reiterated that humans pose exactly zero threat to vampires. Are we supposed to thing the Catholics are going to come after them? We certainly don’t see them worrying about that, so I’m not going to either. We get some pointless and unfunny crap about how Wardo has gone from “killer to protector”, and seeing how his idea of protection is dismantling his girlfriend’s car to keep her prisoner in her own house rather than allow her to go visit her friend, I think I’ll take the first one, thank you very much.

The scene changes—SMeyer seems to have gotten better with her time lapses, I’ll give her that much, because apparently Wardo has been camping out in Carlisle’s office for an hour, and we didn’t have to hear it all condensed down into a short list of what he did in the interim. However, he was apparently just pacing a hole in the floor, because it was “one of the longest hours [he had] ever lived”, which is a pretty crappy slap in the face for those waiting for news of loved ones on the brink of death, to use comparable descriptions of your anguish to see how some random chick is after she hit her head.

Oh, my mistake—Bella isn’t random, she’s the center of your universe. Bleh.

Tyler, the driver of the van, is mentioned, as Wardo is spying on Bella through his thoughts, and he remarks that he was hurt worse than Bella. But beyond that, really the only thought Wardo spares for him is to roll his eyes that he just won’t shut up, can’t he see that he’s bothering Bella with his constant apologies and concern born out of his feeling responsible for the accident?

Assholes. Both of them.

Tyler then asks how Bella managed to get out of the way, because apparently despite his driving and spinning out of control and being sliced and diced by his own windshield, he too had nothing better to do than watch Bella, and so of course saw that one minute she was standing right there, and the next she wasn’t. Wardo goes totally tense, because here’s where she could spill the beans: “Yeah, Tyler, Edward was totally way across the parking lot, but then somehow in the next instant he appeared right next to me and saved me!” and then Tyler will say “OMFGVAMPIRE!” and their secret will be out and all the Cullens will all be chased off by a mob wielding torches and pitchforks and will have to go back up to live with the penguins.

Or not—because Bella, since Wardo told her to and thus The Man Hath Spoken, just says that Wardo pulled her out of the way and leaves it at that. Which is what any normal human being would think, but Bella, being a Unique and Special Snowflake (and an idiot) knows better.

…and after a moment of relief that she didn’t rat him out—Wardo starts hyperventilating just like Bella does over him (Nuh-uh, Meyer! They don’t need to breathe! You lose again!) because OMG! She said his name! Oh, and he likes to hear that!

Guess the “Say my name, bitch!” scene from the movie really nailed it, huh?

Anyway, hearing her saying his name really turns him on makes him want to go in there an talk to her, but he doesn’t yet, just sits in there and spies on her some more with his mind—and yep, it turns out that Tyler really was just sitting there in his car staring at Bella the whole time. No wonder he lost control—I mean, he remembered her exact position and who was next to her with enough clarity to know that Wardo wasn’t there either…but SMeyer shows us how mundane and boring he is because, like any normal human being, he writes it off has happening all too fast for him to see. Then he talks about Wardo for a bit for no reason, mentioning that he wasn’t hurt, and that makes Bella all suspicious, because obviously he should be, it’s not like she keeps insisting that she wasn’t hurt, or anything…oh, wait…

Then Tyler, like every other male in this twisted little universe, thinks that Bella is pretty and now wants to get in her pants. And this is classic SMeyer, too, because his exact thoughts are, “Not my usual type, but still…I should take her out. Make up for today.

…Because, yeah, every woman is just pining for a man to take her out, and it’s just the best thing that any man can do for a girl, deign to bestow his attentions on her, and she’ll be appropriately thankful and forgive him for anything he might have done to her up to now.


Anyway, hearing someone who isn’t him lusting after his personal property is just too much for Wardo, who then storms out of the office and down to insinuate himself—who is this joker, than he can just wander in and out of the ER? And don’t try and tell me that it’s because his father is a doctor—it doesn’t work that way.

He skulks in the shadows and lies in wait, fuming over Tyler’s insolence, until they finish looking at Bella and then wheel her back in, and he sneaks in and peeks at her X-rays. Because he has degrees and thus is Knowledgeable, remember that. Carlisle sees him, congratulates him on a neat job of not hurting her, and Wardo wonders if he would be “approve if he knew [his] real motivations…” and that creeped me right the hell out again. I find it truly impressive that SMeyer can make anything out of this guy’s mouth come across as predatory.

We then have a lame-ass joke about “all the healed contusions” on Bella’s X-ray, because I really needed a reminder of how OMGCLUMSY she is, SMeyer, thanks, faux-flaws just really make my day, and then Carlisle tells Wardo to go in cover his vampire tracks with Bella.

He swaggers right into the room like he owns the place and angsts a bit that this will be the last time he will see her—because he’s leaving, did you forget? I sure did—to find Bella being a bitch and pretending to sleep so she doesn’t have to listen to Tyler, because GOD, people apologizing to you is so tedious. She of course snaps awake the minute she hears that EDWARD is there. Bella is all suspicious and stuff, yawn, and Bella whines that it isn’t fair that he’s not strapped to a gurney. Wardo confirms that yes, if your father is a doctor, you are above medical treatment.

Wardo reminds us that Tyler is all bloodied—hey, wait a minute. Isn’t the smell of fresh blood supposed to drive vampires into a feeding frenzy, to the point of being incoherent, such that Wardo and Alice have to skip the blood-typing biology class? Oh, but it’s because Bella is there, and she smells so much better that the blood isn’t even tempting him.

…dude, why isn’t he eating her like a steak right now? We finally get a comparison for just how extreeeeeme her Outrageous Flavor is, and it totally contradicts what has been said previously.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this by now. Oh, well. SMeyer still sucks. Anyway, Carlisle comes in and Bella thinks he’s hot, because vampire = hot, don’t forget, and for some reason, this makes Wardo groan, because she… “notices the resemblance”? I don’t get it either.

Carlisle is all compassionate and checks her out, and Wardo decides to angst over Carlisle having such good control that he can “touch her so gently, without fear, knowing that he would never harm her”, and I get freaked out again, because that just sounds like Wardo is wishing that he didn’t have to rough her up, but he “just can’t help it”.

Carlisle prods a bit, and when Bella winces when he pokes a tender spot, Wardo has to fight to keep from leaping out of his seat. I suppose it was SMeyer showing us how connected they are and that her pain is his pain, but really all I got out of it was that Wardo was mad that Carlisle was horning in on his territory.

Carlisle is pleasant and, quite reasonably, asks her if the place is tender, in looking for a possible injury. And the bitch DENIES IT. “No, there isn’t a bone hanging out of my leg, doctor, whatever do you mean?” And how does Wardo take this? “Oh, look she’s so brave and doesn’t like to look weak!”

No, she’s a FRACKING IDIOT!!!! Not to mention that this behavior is a complete one-eighty from the Bella that we know and hate in the later books—dude, she takes every opportunity to look weak and helpless so she can cling to and be carried around by a big strong man!

And then Wardo does it again: “Perhaps the most vulnerable creature [he’d] ever seen, and she didn’t want to appear weak. A chuckle slid through [his] lips.

Because all women are weak and vulnerable anyway, and the idea of them even trying to be tough is just laughable. Ha ha!

We then get a C&P’d recap of the dialogue from Twilight here, complete with Bella’s whining, only now with Wardo extolling her whinings as virtues, and we have to watch her be OMGCLUMSY again, and Wardo is creepily jealous and possessive when she trips into Carlisle’s arms. When he comments that she was lucky to be uninjured, Bella is all stupidly belligerent as before with the dramatic stress on how “lucky” she was that Wardo was “standing next to [her]”, and he responds quickly with, “Oh, well, yes.” Smooth, man. I can see how you managed to escape detection for all these years. You’d better add that, “I’m so not a vampire, by the way,” just to keep her from getting ideas. I understand that an author’s character can rarely be any smarter than the author him/herself, but…your creations really, really don’t speak very highly of your intelligence, SMeyer.

At least Carlisle has the dignity to realize that he sucks, although then he turns it over to Wardo, who sucks even more. Bella goes over and gets all up in Wardo’s business, and we hear about her outrageous flavor again—notice how it just kinda crops up whenever SMeyer feels like beating us over the head with it?—and Wardo’s idea of covering for his mess is to try and brush her off. He tells her that her father is waiting for her outside (only Wardo is allowed inside, not relatives or anything). Bella has no time for Charlie and only wants to talk to Wardo.

Wardo angsts, because he has suddenly decided that the best way to make her not think he is a vampire is to be all mean and stuff (WTF?), and it’s so hard to be mean to Bella, because she’s so Unique and Special, and it’s all the worse, because oh, yeah, he’s leaving, remember? “This was [his] farewell scene.

So now we see the first of the infamous Edward Cullen PMS. He goes total bitchface on her. Bella, of course, cringes in the face of his anger, and is all hurt and submissive. She tries to assert herself, but is just weak and whiny and pleading about it and actually starts crying because HE IS SO MEEEEEEEEN!!!

Wardo remains nasty, “even though [he] was in awe” of how clever and wonderful and observant she was for having seen everything. He mocks her, which is pretty great, really, as much as it pains me to say it, and then he claims that Bella is “trying to restrain her anger”, when it really just looks like she’s wilting under his disapproval like she always does. But she promises that she won’t tell anyone, and Wardo is all shocked and amazed about it, and we’re supposed to see again what a Unique and Special Snowflake Bella is. She wants him to trust her, Wardo realizes, just like he wants her to trust him so bad. “But this was a line [he] could not cross.” I think that about sums up the dynamic of their relationship, don’t you?

Wardo is mean, Bella whines, and it’s all C&P’d right out of Twilight and reading it once was bad enough. They glower at each other like the sky, with Wardo secretly all in anguish because can’t tell her the truth (which is crap, because he pretty much just spills everything a few chapters down the way), because“he is a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel”.

This one, perhaps?

Bella is all angry, though (at least Wardo says she is, but all I saw was her getting weepy and lip-trembly), and then we get possibly the most famous belittling line about her from Wardo because of it:

It was odd how endearing her anger was. Like a furious kitten, soft and harmless, and so unaware of her own vulnerability.

Me? I simply find myself darkly amused. SMeyer has said time and time again—to her own husband, even—that Wardo here is here ideal fantasy man. So, your ideal is a sexist, condescending bastard who follows you for your own safety, controls your every move, and is smugly amused by your anger? How great for you!

However, I know that a good many people got royally pissed off by that, Mervin included. So, here you go, Skippy—this one’s for you.

Bella takes the opportunity to start the “WAH! Why did you even bother, you should have just let me die since you hate me so much!” routine—what a level-headed, mature young woman she is. Wardo angsts, pretty much admits that he doesn’t know why he’s so obsessed (but that’s not going to stop him), and then takes one last, longing and pathetic look at her, and then walks off, and you can practically see the rain start pouring down on him as he leaves, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, to the soft strains of Evanescence.

And with that, I’m out. I’ll catch you guys next time with Chapter 4: Visions!

( Chapter 4 - Visions )

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