Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

Eclipse: Chapter 6

Well, now that I’m feeling a bit better, may as well sit down and start back up on Eclipse!

Chapter 6 – Switzerland

So, Bella starts on her way back home, thinking of how happy she was to have seen Jacob, and how she was definitely in the right and hadn’t been in any danger. Unfortunately, that’s when the Volvo shows up. Yeah—that Volvo. And he’s doing some serious tailgating. At that point, I felt it necessary to write the smallest ficlet ever—small, but highly satisfactory.

The Volvo followed inches behind me. I put up with that for a few moments more before making a snap decision, my second one of the day.

I slammed on the brakes.

That’s it. *happy sigh* I think that one right there might be my very favorite out of all the ones I’ve written or will write.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. Bella instead starts trembling and cowering in her truck. This is not an exaggeration.

Think I need a visual demonstration to help me expound upon my feelings here…

Anyway, as today was the day she was supposed to go help Angela with her invites, she quickly drives to her house (and it really feels like she’s driving to a girlfriend’s house to hide from Wardo, which is giving me battered girlfriend vibes like you wouldn’t believe), and Wardo goes speeding off and the abusive boyfriend vibes are really starting to both scare me white and make me Paul right the hell out. Bella knocks on the door, and Angela’s One True Love Ben answers it. He’s on his way out, and he has an incredibly disgusting and sappy moment with Angela, because that is how One True Loves behave around one another in Meyerverse. Ben dashes out, and I really need to include this little exchange:

"Thank you for doing this, Bella," she said. "From the bottom of my heart. Not only are you saving my hands from permanent injury, you also just spared me two long hours of a plot-less, badly dubbed martial arts film." She sighed in relief.

"Happy to be of service." I was feeling a bit less panicked, able to breathe a little more evenly. It felt so ordinary here. Angela's easy human dramas were oddly reassuring. It was nice to know that life was normal somewhere.

Now, normally, this would be something interesting. Bella’s life is rather hectic in Forks—considering she doesn’t have one outside of Wardo and his little enclave—and so it would seem strange to suddenly be immersed in normalcy. However, as it is phrased, it basically sounds patronizing, condescending, and like Bella is already thinking of herself as above mere humans as she has already extracted the promise of being turned into a White and Right vampire.

Anyway, as they go, we get very random info about Angela’s family—I say random because Meyer puts it out in front of us like we should already know about Angela’s family and know about these people, but we don’t. Because she never told us. Bella and Angela go into her room and it turns out she’s got a crapload of invitations to write out. They get to work, and then Angela asks why Bella is taking time out of her schedule of sucking Wardo’s knob to carouse with the lesser beings. Bella says that he’s out hiking, and Angela responds: “You’re lucky Edward has his brothers for all the hiking and camping. I don’t know what I’d do if Ben didn’t have Austin for the guy stuff.

I know that that shouldn’t have jumped out at me like it did. Guys like to hang with guys to be manly men, and girls like to hang out with girls to be girly girls. But for some reason, it just really sounds like more Meyer sexism—no way girls would want to do guy things, like hiking. I mean, what self-respecting girl goes hiking? That’s just absurd.

So, we get to hear Bella talk about how Angela is the best of all her mendicants, which really emphasizes how Meyer makes out all of the characters she thinks are the best to be subservient, quiet, women who cleave to the sides of their True Loves. Angela then notes that Bella’s all nervous and asks what’s wrong, and Bella dithers a bit before saying that it’s Wardo. She bashes Jessica a bit, then reveals that Wardo’s angry with her over Jacob. Angela pegs it immediately: “He’s jealous.” THANK YOU.

But, naturally, Bella refuses to even entertain the notion that Wardo has something like FLAWS and jumps to his defense. She says that “Edward thinks Jacob is… a bad influence…sort of… dangerous”, and that it somehow relates to the trouble she got into a few months ago. I nearly Pauled right out upon reading that, because that seriously implied she and Wardo have been going around blaming Jacob for everything that happened. But, as it’s so badly worded I’m not sure what she meant, I didn’t. Angela insists that the problem is jealousy, considering that Jacob wants to doodle her and makes that known at all times, and—oh, geez.

"It's not like that with Jacob."

"For you, maybe. But for Jacob…"

I frowned. "Jacob knows how I feel. I've told him everything."

Dude, we’ve already well established that Jacob has the hots for her, and won’t be stopping any time soon! Why the sudden denial?! And why does Bella stating that she doesn’t like him that way suddenly mean that Jacob doesn’t like her that way? It doesn’t work like that.

Anyway, Angela says something ironic, I yawned, and then we get this bit of disgustingness:

"You and Jacob are pretty close, aren't you?"

"Like family," I agreed.

"And Edward doesn't like him… That must be hard. I wonder how Ben would handle that?" she mused.

I half-smiled. "Probably just like any other boy."

She grinned. "Probably."

I hate how all women who have a True Love relationship in these books defer immediately to their men. IT’S DISGUSTING. Angela, come on—tell Bella to straighten her spine and tell Wardo that he can go suck eggs, because it’s HER LIFE, and she is FREE TO HAVE ONE.

And Angela? If only you knew—I don’t think Ben would dismantle your car engine or KIDNAP YOU (yes, that’s coming up) if you were doing something he didn’t approve of.

The subject is abruptly changed, and they talk about college. Ben and Angela are both going to the University of Washington, and somehow, that causes Bella to switch her thoughts to her favorite topic in the whole wide world—her becoming a vampire! But, because Meyer wants to add in some kind of strife and conflict where there has been none before, she has Bella suddenly be all worried that she’s going to nom on people as a newborn. She quickly dismisses it and goes on to say where she’ll be going, and Angela asks her to email her so they can stay friends. Tough luck, Angela—Bella will soon be casting you off for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, in which you have no part. You’re nothing but a ball and chain to her, just one more attachment to the human world that she is ever so anxious to snip. Don’t get your hopes up.

So, they finish up, and Bella is really truly afraid to go home because she knows for a fact Wardo will be waiting. Trembling kind of afraid.

I’m just sayin’.

So, they say their goodbyes, and Bella goes home unfollowed, and Wardo’s car is apparently not in front of Bella’s house, either. Of course, we know exactly where he is. She goes inside, says hello to Charlie, who already knows of her visit to La Push because he’s apparently discussed it with Billy. He makes no effort to disguise his pleasure upon hearing that she’d visited Jacob, and Bella, upon seeing that she can’t delay the “confrontation” any longer, trudges upstairs under the pretense of studying.

Fic time! Time to use Bella for my mouthpiece now, which shouldn’t be hard, since she is already an empty little shell for anyone to insert themselves into—and it’s gonna be a bigger one than usual, too. There is a little canon interspersed here, marked between little asterisks.

*Of course he was there. He stood against the wall across from me, in the shadow beside the open window. His face was hard and his posture tense. He glared at me wordlessly.*

My mouth tightened involuntarily into a thin line, but I quickly made my face a smooth mask and began to go about my business as if I hadn’t seen him. My backpack was beside my bed, so I opened it up and took out the books I needed before going over to my computer desk and clearing a space so I could spread my things out.

As I flipped my Calculus book open to the correct page, I could feel Edward’s eyes still on me. Well, I wasn’t going to play that game. He could make the first move.

I’d done three of the fifteen assigned math problems before Edward finally figured out that I wasn’t going to be the one to break the silence. So much for the patience of the immortals.

*“Bella,” he whispered. “Do you have any idea how close I came to crossing the line today? To breaking the treaty and coming after you? Do you know what that would have meant?”*

“Yes,” I replied in clipped tones, keeping my temper. “It would’ve meant you would’ve started a war with the werewolves.”

You would have started a war.”

I slammed my pencil down, the heel of my hand slapping the desk with a bang, and turned to him, my fury matching his own now. I’d wanted to remain calm for this, but that—that was too much.

Me? You want to explain what kind of twisted logic you used to come to that little conclusion?” I snarled as quietly as possible, my hands balled into fists.

“I told you repeatedly not to go to the werewolves,” he said slowly, his arms crossed tightly across his chest.

“Okay, Dad,” I sneered. “That still doesn’t explain why me going to see my best friend is somehow the reason why you would bring the werewolf pack down on your entire family and cause a lot of bloodshed.”

Edward growled, a low rumbling deep within him, and though I felt stupid, I wasn’t about to be threatened by him, so I growled right back, teeth clenched. “Don’t you growl at me, you self-righteous bastard.” Edward looked briefly surprised through his anger to hear me use such language, but at this point, I didn’t care. “In case you forgot, I spent a good long while around an entire group of werewolves earlier this year. When they were new. I’m clearly unscathed. Jacob is not dangerous.”

*“Bella.” He rolled his eyes. “You aren’t exactly the best judge of what is or isn’t dangerous.”*

Stop patronizing me!” I all but shouted. I closed my eyes and took a few breaths, struggling to get better control of myself so as not to alert Charlie. When I opened my eyes again, I felt a little calmer. “I know exactly what is and isn’t dangerous. There was one werewolf who might have been dangerous—and Jacob stopped him from attacking me. Jacob is in much better control of his wolf side than you want to give him credit for.”

“They are dangerous, Bella,” Edward repeated, allowing a little authority to seep into his voice.

“Yes,” I snapped. “And so are you.”

Edward blinked; for a moment, it seemed I’d pricked his balloon of self-righteousness, soundly deflating him. But it didn’t take him long to start swelling again. “When have I ever harmed you?” he asked calmly.

“Oh, who cares about that, Edward?” I continued. “You could hurt me, that’s the point. I mean, that’s why you left last year, right? Because it was too dangerous for me.”

Edward flinched in pain; normally, that would make me regret my words instantly, watching him cringe like that. But not this time—no, this time, I relished it. Time to stick the knife in deeper, I thought grimly.

“So go on, Edward!” I strode over to the window and threw my hand in its direction. “Get out! Get away from me! You’re too dangerous! If Jacob’s a danger, you’re a danger! This is all about my safety, after all!”

“Bella,” he began, and while his voice was mostly calm, I could hear the underlying currents of fury, anguish, and—though it was barely there—panic. “Bella, I have never hurt you. I would never dream of hurting you.”

“Liar.” Edward snapped his mouth shut, looking on the verge of telling me just how wrong I was, so I quickly spoke over him. “I distinctly remember you telling me all about how you wanted to kill me when you first met me.”

“But I didn’t, Bella—”

“And Jacob hasn’t hurt me,” I said curtly. “By your own logic, I should be allowed to see Jacob any time I wish. Because, even though he could hurt me, he hasn’t, and he would never dream of doing it. He’s just as much of a danger as you. As such, if I’m allowed to hang out with you any time I want, I should be allowed to hang out with him any time I want.”

“Bella, please stop being difficult.”

I tamped down the sudden urge to sock him right in the jaw—but only because I knew that would hurt me more than it hurt him. “It’s my life, Edward,” I ground out. “I will do as I please.”

“Bella, I love you. You know this. And if you loved me, you would please, please give me peace of mind.”

I nearly saw red. My fingernails cut into the palms of my hands, but I did my best to keep a level head. He wanted to play that game? Fine. We would play that game.

“If you loved me, you’d let me live my own life.”

Edward’s expression darkened. “You’re not being fair, Bella.”

“And you think that you are?” I snarled. “What gives you the right to pull that disgusting ‘if you loved me’ card on me?” I pointed to the window. “Get out. I guess I don’t love you, because I have no intentions of—how did you put it?—giving you ‘peace of mind’.”

“Bella, this conversation has not ended—I am not leaving,” he growled at me.

“Okay, fine.” I crossed my arms and turned to my door. “Dad!” I hollered. “Can you come up here for a minute?”

“Are you crazy?!” Edward hissed.

I glared stonily back at him. “No. I’m not. For the first time in over a year, I know exactly what I’m doing.”

Edward growled again, looked at the closet door, and vanished one second later. I grit my teeth in frustration, but quickly schooled my features into something more presentable when Charlie opened the door to my room a moment later.

“What is it, Bells? You okay?”

I sighed. “No, dad, I’m really not. Can you sit down for a second?”

“Sure.” He ambled into the room and sat down on the end of my bed, looking concerned. “What is it?”

“I…” I stopped, not really sure how to continue. My eyes flicked to the closet door, and my resolve strengthened. “I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize?” Charlie asked, looking confused.

“Yeah. I’ve…I’ve been really…well, I’ve been a real jerk lately, haven’t I? No, no, don’t disagree with me—I know I have,” I said, raising a hand to stop Charlie from protesting.

He hesitated for a moment, and then sheepishly said, “You kind of have, Bella.”

I gave him a wry and apologetic grin. “I know. And I realize why I have—it’s because, deep down, I knew you were right.”

“Right about what?”

I sighed—my somewhat staged confession had become totally sincere. “About Edward.” I moved over to the bed and sat down next to him, and made sure that my voice was clear and full of conviction. “He’s not good for me. You may as well know—I hadn’t gone to see Jacob all that time because Edward wouldn’t let me.”

Charlie’s face went red in an instant. “What?! That dirty, low-down—”

“Dad, calm down before you blow a gasket,” I said quickly, alarmed.

“What right does he have to tell you where you can and can’t go?!” Charlie roared, getting to his feet.

“None, and that’s exactly why I broke it off with him,” I said firmly, my eyes flicking again to the closet door.

Charlie abruptly stopped his tirade. “What?” he asked blankly.

“I broke up with him,” I repeated.


“This afternoon—I went to see Jacob, and he was waiting for me after I left. We had a fight, and I told him I never wanted to see him again.”

Charlie eyed me suspiciously. “This seems a little too familiar, if you know what I’m saying,” he said slowly.

I did know what he was saying—I reflexively touched the halfmoon scar on my hand. “Well, it’s obviously not too familiar—I’m not screaming at him, and I’m not leaving,” I said, smiling lopsidedly, more than a little sheepish.

Charlie relaxed marginally. “No, I suppose you aren’t.” He heaved a sigh and flumped back down on the bed next to me. “Bella, are you serious about him not letting you go see Jacob? And the bit about him waiting for you after you left Jacob—he was following you?”

“Yes,” I said unhappily.

I could see Charlie going from Protective Father to Protective Police Chief very quickly, and while it used to irritate me when he did that, I found it was making me very happy now.

“I really think I should do something about this,” he said.

“Well, not yet. If Edward doesn’t take no for an answer, yes—I’ll definitely want help from you—because I have a feeling that I wouldn’t be able to handle him alone,” I said, scowling. Charlie had no idea.

“Bella, are you—well, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for it, if it’s what you want—but are you sure that you really do want to break it off with him? Because…well, I remember the last time you broke up with him—”

I raised a hand to stop him. “That won’t happen this time, Dad. Trust me. I’ve had it with him.”

Charlie looked at me dubiously, and I looked steadily back. Eventually, he smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and he gave me a hug.

“I’m not one to say ‘I told you so’, but—”

“Yeah, yeah, Dad,” I laughed, my arms tight around him. “Go on and watch your game.”

Charlie rose and, after smiling once more at me, left, closing the door as he did. Not one second after the door was shut and Charlie headed back downstairs did Edward reappear. He stared at me, horrorstruck, furious, agonized, and I stared calmly back.

“You didn’t mean that,” he finally said, his voice a menacing whisper.

“I assure you I did,” I said frostily.

“No, you didn’t—it was a joke. A ruse—something to get Charlie off of your back.”

“No, it wasn’t. You shouldn’t need mind-reading powers to know when somebody is serious. And now, I want you to get out of my room. Right now.” My mouth twisted into a sardonic smile. “Consider my window closed from here on out.”

“Bella…Bella, please—”

I snorted. “Having trouble deciding what emotion to best use so that you can manipulate me?” I sneered. “Well, none of them are going to work now, Edward. Get out of my room. You aren’t welcome here.”

“You can see Jacob,” he blurted out. “You can see whoever you want—”

“I don’t need your permission for that—or anything else,” I cut across him. “I want to see Jacob, and I will—but I don’t want to see you. Now, I’m only going to say it one more time—get out of my room.”

Edward stared at me for a moment more, and then trudged to the window. He glared back at me. “This isn’t over,” he snarled.

“I’m sure,” I said sweetly. But Edward was already gone. I quickly marched over to the window and slammed it shut, locking it as I did. I would have to make sure to lock all of the windows tonight.

I went back and sat at my desk, staring at my Calculus book without really seeing it.

Edward was not going to take no for an answer. I knew that much. But what could I do? He was a vampire, I was a human. It would be no problem at all for him to kidnap me if he felt like it, and even though my house would be locked tight, he could probably find a way to get inside if he really put his mind to it. Not to mention the fact that he would be at school, and I would have to see him every day…what if he decided to keep following me wherever I went? He could easily outrun my truck, disconnect my phone lines, do any number of things, all because he didn’t want me to see Jacob—

It came to me in a flash of inspiration. Of course—Jacob. He and his pack were sworn to protect humans from harassment by vampires. And here I was, a human being harassed by a vampire.

Jacob was going to love this. And, judging by involuntarily grin that was spreading across my face, I was, too.

None of that happens, unfortunately.

Wardo again guilts her into thinking that it would be all her fault if he broke the treaty, and I just want to shake him because DUDE, YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK THE TREATY ANYWAY WHEN YOU CHANGE BELLA. Bella, of course, caves and says he can’t do that because “they’d use any excuse for a fight”, because in her twisted little mind, the vampires harbor no ill will towards the werewolves at all. They’re perfectly civil. Wardo says he’d be up for a fight, and Bella tells him to stop that this instant. Wardo goes off on his “I do what I do to protect you” nonsense, and Bella insists that Jacob isn’t dangerous. Wardo condescends her by telling her she isn’t “exactly the best judge of what is or isn’t dangerous”.

The misogyny here is KILLING ME. Gotta get some stress off my chest.

Ah, much better.

So, Wardo continues to be a stiff prick, so Bella decides to try and use sex to loosen him up—nothing doing, Bella, he’s an uptight nun (IN YO FACE, MEYER). When it obviously doesn’t work, she actually starts apologizing, and when Wardo sees that he’s got her feeling bad, he lays on the guilt trip again and he lays it on thick, saying how anxious he was and how long his day was, and how he didn’t even bother hunting as planned because he was so worried—we find out that it was once again Alice who revealed what she’d done. Thanks, Alice. Thanks a lot. Again—people like her…why?

Then they start going back and forth. Bella is trying to assert herself, and Wardo is asserting himself all over her. It didn’t quite make me TOTALLY Paul out, but it did make me want to yell at Wardo and tell him to go piss it up a well rope, so we’ll just give it this:

Do not tempt the wrath of Paul, Wardo.

Anyway, I’m still very confused at Bella’s sudden decision to be “strong”. It is completely OOC. However, it’s still not enough, because she’s not doing anything remotely like what I wrote up there—it’s mostly just petulant whining in the face of his condescending asshattery. Finally, Bella asks him if he’s jealous, thinking back on what Angela said. Wardo does his famous shit-a-brick routine at the very NOTION of Bella thinking he would be jealous. Speaking of shit, I call BULLSHIT, Wardo. Everything you do involving Jacob REEKS of jealousy. Anyway, instead of calling him out, Bella immediately backs down (again, more battered woman signs—he shows signs of becoming angry and she instantly cowers). Bella then uses the stupid analogy of saying she is Switzerland in the face of their vampire/werewolf dickery. Then she says this: “If Angela turns out to be a witch, she can join the party, too.

On the surface, it seems like just her emphasizing that she doesn’t care who is what.

Unfortunately, it jumped out at me as Bella basically saying, “The only way I will accept anybody into my life proper is if they are special and awesome and not human, because human is boring,” and saying that Angela is not welcome to the “party” as is because she is a lowly human.


Wardo drops the subject by saying that she “[smells] like a dog”. And yet again, Meyer’s favoritism towards vampires shows—and no, it’s not just Bella’s favoritism. I can understand us getting a slanted view of something if we were seeing it through only one set of eyes—that happened in HP with Harry in regards to several characters. It’s good writing and good characterization, because people naturally do that. But this isn’t the case here. Werewolves smell like dogs. Vampires? Smell sweet. “Sickly” sweet, to be sure, but still sweet. They don’t smell dead, because Meyer spends most of her writing trying to prove over and over that her vampires aren’t dead but are rather Mormon. It’s ridiculous.

Scene change! Wardo’s making up his lost hunting trip by going to Northern California because they have “a mountain lion problem”. Bella is confident about seeing Jacob again on Saturday, but on Thursday Alice picks her up from work instead of Wardo. Turns out they went on their hunting trip early, and Bella is going to the Cullens’ for a slumber party. Well, not a slumber party.

Alice is kidnapping Bella.

Oh, it’s all cleared with Charlie. It’s supposedly a slumber party. But Alice makes it very clear that Wardo bribed her with that Porsche he promised her in New Moon to kidnap Bella and hold her against her will so she couldn’t go see Jacob while he wasn’t there to supervise her behavior. And she’s completely and utterly content with this, and is all cheerful and smug and smirking in Bella’s face because she knows that there is no way Bella could get away from her.

THAT warrants a Paul.

Again—WHY DO PEOPLE LOVE ALICE SO? I am sorry—that right there just makes me hate her almost as much as Wardo, because that makes her as BAD as Wardo. Except maybe she might be a touch worse—she thinks this is funny. She thinks this is great and grand and that they’re going to have such a great time together.


So, they get to the Cullens’ house, and Alice dances out and shows off her new Porsche, and “[strokes] her hand along the length of her bribe”. MY GOD, MEYER, YOU ARE REPRESSED. WATCH OR WRITE SOME PORN. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. IF ANYTHING, YOU WON’T BE AS VERBALLY WANKY AS YOU ARE NOW.

Anyway, that’s when Alice drops an even better bomb—that wasn’t given to her to keep Bella from going to see Jacob this weekend. That was to keep her from going to see Jacob ever.

This is pretty much what happened when I read that.

If there was any way to do it, trust me, I would’ve written a short ficlet where Bella grabs a hammer, smashes it into the Porsche, and says, “Oh, I thought for sure you would’ve foreseen that and stopped me, bitch.” But there was no way to write it without Alice smugly zipping around all speedily and snatching anything she tried to use to put a good dent in her precious car.

Instead of that, we get this conversation:

"Alice, don't you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?"

"Not really." She sniffed. "You don't seem to grasp how dangerous a young werewolf can be. Especially when I can't see them. Edward has no way to know if you're safe. You shouldn't be so reckless."

My voice turned acidic. "Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior."

Alice laughed. "I’ll give you a pedicure and everything," she promised.

That’s almost Paul-worthy. Because I’m supposed to think this is funny. This is supposed to be humor.

Does Paul look amused?

No, he does not. Because there is COMMON SENSE there. There is Bella actually saying that vampires are no more dangerous than werewolves, not to mention finally seeming to clue into the fact that Wardo’s behavior is NOT GOOD. Alice’s response? To laugh patronizingly at her.

No, no, Mervin, no Paul. No Paul.

Bella then goes to say “it wasn’t so bad, except for the fact that [she] was being held against [her] will”. Kind of like how Wardo’s a great boyfriend, when he’s not being a controlling, abusive, smug, condescending, arrogant ass. Bella suspects that everything Alice does is probably stuff she pulled from TV, then asks where she will be sleeping. Turns out she’s going to sleep in Wardo’s room. She then asks if she can go get some things from her house—Alice already got them—then she wants to use the phone, which she can’t, and Alice pretty much is telling her she’s on lockdown. She whines loud enough, though, and gets to use the phone and calls Jacob. She tells him that she’s not coming over on Saturday, and Jacob knows exactly why immediately: “Can’t you have a life when he’s gone? Or does he lock you in a coffin?” Thank you, Jacob—you are fulfilling your Hairy Stu duties nicely. When he hears that Wardo’s gone now, he offers to come pick her up at Charlie’s. When she says she’s being “held prisoner”, Jacob goes werewolf and says that he and his buddies will fetch her.

Personally? They’re justified. The vampires are keeping a human in their company against her will. I say go Jacob—nice that he’s trying to fit in as much awesome as possible before Meyer turns him completely into the Big Furry Douche.

Bella tells him not to do that, and actually defends them against Jacob. HAVE YOU NO SPINE? Of course she doesn’t, why am I even asking? Anyway, she then says she’s going to bed and that she’ll call again. Response?

"Are you sure they'll let you?" he asked in a scathing tone.

"Not completely." I sighed. "'Night, Jake."

I really think the werewolves should act, man. This is ridiculous.

So, Bella then calls Wardo’s phone and leaves a message that is supposed to be threatening, but, dude—there is nothing you could do to him, Bella. You won’t do the one thing that needs to be done—you won’t break up with him. You won’t even refuse to see him for one night—yeah, I remember Chapter 2. Why should he be worried? You can’t hit him, you won’t send him away, you can’t escape him—he has nothing to fear.

Alice, of course, thinks all of this is hilarious.

Paul is still not happy.

So, they go upstairs, and she goes to Wardo’s room, and SHAZAM—there’s a huge bed in it now. A huge bed probably worth thousands of dollars. That description won’t do it justice. I had best give you the full picture:

The southern wall of glass reflected the scene back like a mirror, making it look twice as bad. It matched. The coverlet was a dull gold, just lighter than the walls; the frame was black, made of intricately patterned wrought iron. Sculpted metal roses wound in vines up the tall posts and formed a bowery lattice overhead.

I notice that with each book, the general Cullen vibe of “We’re So Fucking Rich It’s Not Even Funny” gets stronger and stronger. You know, as Meyer gets richer and richer.

You know, I am all for living nicely if you’ve got enough money to do it. But the Cullens do pretty much nothing but flaunt their wealth. Which I suspect is what Meyer does with her newfound wealth, as this is a Suefic and she is a classic Suethor. And that’s what classic Suethors do when they make their SIs rich—they give them ridiculously expensive things for everybody to see and gawk at because they are rich and everybody needs to know how rich they are.

This being the case, I’ve got three words for your precious Cullens.


Just because they have money and are supposedly from another time they seem to think that makes them automatically cultured and better than the rest of us. For one thing, the stuff that Meyer doesn’t just gloss over and say is “designer” and instead describes in loving Suethor detail? This monstrosity of a bed, for example? TACKY AS HELL. I have seen nothing to suggest that they are even the SLIGHTEST bit cultured or refined, and no, Meyer, having them speak with no contractions and be oh-so intelligent doesn’t make them cultured. It makes them SNOBS. Nouveau riche snobs, at that.

Suck on that, ya damned poseur.

Bella is, naturally, outraged by all this. Alice again just severely irritates me by being all giggly about the whole scenario, and Bella refuses to sleep in the bed and goes to sleep on the couch. But before she can drift off, somebody knocks at the door, and it’s…


Unfortunately, my ficlet made this chapter a bit too large, and Rosalie’s chapter is going to get me going, so it’s best if we save it for later.

See you in Chapter 7 – Unhappy Ending.

Paul Count: 6

Stinger: “"Alice, don't you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?"”

( Chapter 7 - Unhappy Ending )

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!
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