Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

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Eclipse: Chapters 2-3

Continuing forward with the recap of Eclipse! *blazes ahead*

Chapter 2 – Evasion

We open chapter two in school—graduation is getting closer, and Bella is…I have no idea. One second she is excited about graduation coming, the next she’s nervous, and it makes absolutely no sense at all. Either way, graduation is coming, and all of the seniors are excited. Bit Player Angela is getting screen time at the moment, talking about graduation and asking everybody about announcements. Bella isn’t bothering sending out any announcements and Alice, as she is perfect, has already sent out all of the ones she needs to. Angela laments that she has soooo many to fill out, and Bella offers to help—but not out of interest of hanging out with Angela in any capacity. It’s mostly to pretend she’s hanging out with other people besides Wardo to get her dad off of her back.

We hear about Angela’s “always-gentle brown eyes”, and that just jumped out at me in the worst way, because, once again, all of the “good” females of this story are submissive and meek and gentle. Bella talks about how she is un-grounded, and Alice immediately takes that news and literally starts planning to take her out of the country. Bella puts a stop to that, then the others talk about how they’ll have to celebrate in some way this weekend while Bella stews in silence about that ever-annoying hangnail, Jacob. It doesn’t last long before Alice goes all Dionne Warwick on us, and is only snapped out of her vision by Wardo stomping on her foot. She casually slips back into the conversation, but Bella is, naturally not fooled.

Unfortunately, all of her intentions to ask Wardo what Alice had Seen are thwarted, because Wardo—AND IT SEEMS ALMOST INTENTIONAL, I HMM, WONDER IF IT’S INTENTIONAL—refuses to let them ever have a moment alone, even going so far as to offer the plebe Mike help with his car. Of course, car trouble just reminds Bella of Jacob—well, at least she’s not complaining about The Goddamned Hole™. There is that, right? Anyway, Wardo and Bella get into the Vampire Volvo, and Alice immediately starts talking in a way that is surely not suspicious. *rolls eyes and shakes head* These vampires are lucky that Bella and her Sue presence made every single other human being on earth incredibly stupid, because they are terrible liars and if everybody else wasn’t a total lobotomy patient, they would’ve been discovered much, much sooner.

So, Bella decides to be patient, because she and Wardo will be alone together eventually and she’ll ask then. They drop Alice off, and then Wardo goes to take Bella home—although it makes much more sense to me that they would drop Bella off first if they were that anxious to keep information from her. But what do I know. Anyway, back to Charlie’s they go, and Wardo makes pleasant small talk and invites himself into the house even though that particular restriction was never really discussed, and then goes with Bella upstairs and makes himself at home on her bed. The way Wardo waltzes in and out of this house like he owns it sends ridges up and down my spine. Bella flicks on the computer and is all edgy until Wardo gets all up in her face and goes seductive for no reason other than the fact that Meyer hasn’t written one of their icy kisses yet. It’s all Airhead-esque, complete with some hot, steamy back action, but, as Wardo is a good Mormon boy, he immediately cuts it off when Bella whips out the tongue, because that’s dirty, filthy lust, and he won’t be having any of that. Bella, don’t you realize you are making it difficult for him to not jerk off to your visage every night when you bring the tongue into this?

So, Wardo is all Mormon and stuff, and he goes and distances himself by sitting on the bed—just a minor bitch, but a bitch all the same: if he was really the perfect, chaste Mormon boy with 1910s morals and values, why is he so comfortable sitting in a girl’s bedroom—sitting on her bed, no less?

So, the computer is finally up and running, and I’d just like to say that there is something wrong with her computer—my computer back in the 90’s didn’t take this long to boot up. I remain steadfastly loyal to my theory that Bella’s computer is so slow and so bogged down by popups because she has the biggest porn collection on this side of the Atlantic. Bella checks her email and finds one from Renée, and it turns out she’s being stupid again. And, as it’s so patronizing and self-aggrandizing, I know you’d feel terribly shorted if I didn’t quote it for you.

I scanned through Renée's e-mail, shaking my head now and then at some of the dippier things she'd done. I was just as entertained and horrified as the first time I'd read this. It was so like my mother to forget exactly how paralyzed she was by heights until she was already strapped to a parachute and a dive instructor. I felt a little frustrated with Phil, her husband of almost two years, for allowing that one. I would have taken better care of her. I knew her so much better.

You have to let them go their own way eventually, I reminded myself. You have to let them have their own life…

I'd spent most of my life taking care of Renée, patiently guiding her away from her craziest plans, good-naturedly enduring the ones I couldn’t talk her out of. I'd always been indulgent with my mom, amused by her, even a little condescending to her. I saw her cornucopia of mistakes and laughed privately to myself. Scatterbrained Renée.

I was a very different person from my mother. Someone thoughtful and cautious. The responsible one, the grown-up. That's how I saw myself. That was the person I knew.

Well, I know I’d go off on a very long tangent if I tried to point out everything wrong with all of that, so I’ll just prevent that by expressing my displeasure with a simple question:

Can somebody please point out where Bella has ever behaved responsibly or as like an adult? And I mean something legitimate. I’m open to suggestions—ones I can’t counter. Some example of where Bella has acted in some way like a responsible adult. Nothing is coming—all of the ones that could possibly be suggested are easily countered (Bella’s job—didn’t get it to raise money for a college fund or help out around the house, only did it to look responsible; deciding to keep the baby—under the pretense of loving the evil thing, mostly used it as a legitimate excuse to be vamped).

So, anyway, as Renée is never brought up unless Bella needs to advance the plot in some way, Bella starts thinking about Renée’s “most life-altering mistake”, that mistake being marrying Charlie straight out of high school and having Bella. Yeah, that was a HUGE mistake—wait, you weren’t talking about you. And I still do not understand Bella’s aversion to marriage—doesn’t she realize that this aversion because of Renée’s mistake really makes her look like she doubts the Truest of True Loves that she has with Wardo?

Then we hit the last line of her email, and it’s Renée wondering about Jacob. Bella is sure that Charlie’s getting his ex to ask Bella about Jacob, because the extent to which Charlie is trying to get Bella to hook up with that guy is absolutely ridiculous and positively 50’s. Bella replies with a “witty” quip, sends her email, and then turns around to discover that Wardo was apparently going through all of the stuff in her closet, because there is no other way he could’ve discovered the mangled car stereo from her eighteenth b-day. He’s utterly horrified to discover that she’s completely destroyed it, and vows to buy her a new one for Emmett and Rosalie’s sake. And then he has the plane tickets in his hand, and says that this weekend is the perfect time for them to use them and visit Renée down in Florida.

It couldn’t be more clear that this is a ploy of some kind to keep Bella away from some *cough* “unknown” danger, but, as Meyer needs to pad out her word count, she has Bella merely be suspicious instead of calling Wardo out on his bullshit. Bella insists that Charlie would blow a gasket if she went down to Jacksonville with Wardo, which is perfectly understandable, even though she does want to go and see her mom—again, not because she misses her, but mostly because she wants Renée to see “how happy [she] is with Edward [and] tell Charlie to ease up”. But Bella resists anyway and says she does not want to go this weekend because she just made amends with Charlie and she doesn’t want to fight with him. Wardo starts getting extraordinarily pissy, then Bella spouts off this line: “Suspicion returned. This kind of behavior was unlike him. He was always so impossibly selfless; I knew it was making me spoiled.” Yeah, that’s rich, Bella. Wardo’s about as “impossibly selfless” as, say, YOU. Bella insists they take her new freedom slowly and Wardo has a big huff, so Bella immediately asks what Alice Saw at lunch. Wardo spins an obvious lie or half-truth about Jasper and how Alice Saw something about him because she is worried, and Bella naturally swallows it. You’d think she’d be a little more cautious about that sort of thing ever since last September when Wardo easily and coolly lied to her when he left.

Oh, and this can’t be ignored…

But of course it made sense that Alice would be watching out for Jasper's future. He was her soul mate, her true other half, though they weren't as flamboyant about their relationship as Rosalie and Emmett were.

I won’t argue the existence of soul mates—some people believe in them, some don’t. But I will say this: If these couples—Wardo/Bella, Alice/Jasper, Rosalie/Emmett—are Meyer’s idea of soul mates, then that makes the idea downright repulsive, because these couples are DAMNED BORING.

Bella continues to swallow Wardo’s obvious lies, because she’s an idiot, and no, she won’t ever get mad at him for lying. Did you expect anything else?

So, they go downstairs and do homework—Wardo is incredibly smug about how fast he does his—and then Bella starts dinner. Charlie gets home soon after it’s done, and he appears to be rather content with things. After dinner, Bella and Charlie make small talk, and Charlie mentions that there is going to be a little get-together in La Push between the Clearwaters, the Blacks, and the Uleys and that they are both cordially invited, and Bella talks about how she definitely won’t be allowed to go because of Wardo and pretty much indicates that she doesn’t care that Wardo probably has no concern for Charlie’s safety and doesn’t connect the dots that Wardo is mostly keeping Bella from seeing Jacob because he’s a possessive jerk and doesn’t want her talking to any boy he considers competition. Unfortunately, that’s when Wardo chooses to waltz into the room.

He brings up the airplane tickets to Charlie, and then promptly manages to manipulate Charlie into agreeing that Bella should visit Renée before saying that he was going to go with her as well so he’ll have the high ground. Charlie does, in fact, blow a gasket as predicted, and Wardo is innocently patronizing to him. Charlie says that Bella won’t be going anywhere with Wardo and, even though she had no intentions of going earlier, because Charlie says she can’t, she promptly starts talking about how she can go if she wants. Bella once again pulls the “I’m an adult” and “I’ll move out” cards, even though we have already established that she has no intentions of doing that. Charlie’s expression calms her a little, and then she delivers this bullshit line:

I took a deep breath and tried to make my tone more reasonable. "I'll do my time without complaining when I've done something wrong, Dad, but I'm not going to put up with your prejudices."

And at that point, I decided it was high time I beat Meyer at her own game.

This is your little self-indulgent fantasy, right, Meyer? And everybody in these books is a perfect, empty husk, available for the reader to jump into and play out their own fantasy.

Well, what the hell is stopping me from doing just that? You hear that, folks? I am going to write a self-insertion Twilight fanfic. My canon SI of choice? Charlie. We shall pick up where that line left off.

Charlie’s face went flat and hard, and I saw his hands clench into white-knuckled fists.

“That’s fine, then, Bella,” he ground out with only the slightest hint of pain in his voice. “Fine. Since I am just so prejudiced and since you don’t want to put up with it anymore, you can leave. In fact, I insist.”

I blinked, unable to process his for a moment before I finally realized what he was saying.

“But—Char—Dad—” I spluttered. “I—I don’t want to move out, I just want—”

“You just want to have your own way,” Charlie cut across me smoothly. “Well, as you have consistently reminded me whenever you aren’t getting it, you’re an adult now. Time for you to start acting like one—and true, independent adults don’t live with their fathers. I’ll even help you pack. It might take a little longer to transfer your truck and its auto insurance over into your name, but we’ll get it done.”

“But—but—” My brain wasn’t processing this. “Charlie, I—I only have a part-time job, I can’t pay for that—”

Charlie snorted and turned his fiery gaze to Edward. “I’m sure you’ll find some way to pay for everything you need.”

I flushed in anger, but before I could speak again, Edward calmly raised a hand. “Charlie—”

“My name,” Charlie interrupted coldly, “is Chief Swan. You are not my friend, you are not my equal, and you are not my senior.”

I could see Edward suppressing a smirk when Charlie said the last point. “Chief Swan—please, let’s be reasonable about this. Bella is your daughter, after all—”

“—who has constantly reminded me that she is of legal age now and can do whatever she wants. Well, I’m afraid that people under my roof have to live by my rules, and she clearly isn’t willing to do that,” he said, speaking to Edward but looking at me. “So, it looks to me that these things aren’t compatible—so I guess her only option is to leave. You’d better call your family and tell them to set an extra place at dinner, because I know that’s where she’ll be running,” Charlie sneered bitterly, turning away from us both.

“Chief Swan,” Edward continued patiently, “you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re angry—you’ll regret this later, and you know it.”

Charlie whipped around and glared at Edward. “Well, then, I’ll say something that I definitely won’t regret: Get out. You get out of my house now.”

I finally got to my feet, shaking. “You can’t order him around—” I began, voice choked.

But then Charlie turned to me, his teeth bared. “It’s my damned house, Bella! I own it and I pay the bills, and I have a right to order anyone I want off of my property!” he shouted at me. He then stabbed his finger back at Edward. “Get out!

Edward, looking slightly alarmed, rose and left the room, leaving me alone with my quivering father. He watched Edward leave and waited until he heard the front door open and close before turning back to me and folding his arms across his chest. “Well?”

I swallowed. “Charlie, I—I’m sorry, I’ll—I don’t want to move, Dad, I really don’t—”

“Yes, Bella. You do. You do want to move,” he said his voice sorrowful but resolute. “As much as it hurts me to say it, you have clearly made a choice. You want nothing more to do with this family—this is nothing but a motel for you while you follow that…that smug little jerk around. I’ve made it clear that anyone living under my roof has to abide by my rules, and as you clearly aren’t able to do that, then I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to keep you here.” His face twisted in pain. “I don’t see why you’re so worried,” he said bitterly, turning away again. “I thought for sure you’d be thrilled and jumping at the first chance to move out of this house and in with your precious Edward. It’s more than obvious that he’s more important to you than your family or friends. Well, you’re going to live with that choice now.” He turned on his heel. “I’m going upstairs to start packing up your stuff. You can help if you want. But I expect you out by tomorrow.”

And then Charlie disappeared up the stairs, leaving me alone in the kitchen.

There. Since Bella is your mouthpiece, Meyer, I just used Charlie as mine. It was most satisfactory. I may do that again. *wriggles contentedly*

Unfortunately, none of that occurs. Bella instead points out that Wardo is the only one Charlie has a problem with, bringing up Jacob as an example and immediately feeling bad for doing so because it annoys Wardo and heaven forbid she annoy Wardo—she can give Charlie a heart attack and threaten to move out and devastate him, sure, but annoying Wardo by mentioning Jacob, well, that’s just out of the question. Then we get some shades of Rose Potter:

"It's not like I'm headed off to Vegas to be a showgirl or anything. I'm going to see Mom," I reminded him. "She's just as much my parental authority as you are."

He threw me a withering look.

"Are you implying something about Mom's ability to look after me?"

Charlie flinched at the threat implicit in my question.

"You'd better hope I don't mention this to her," I said.

Oh, and Bella? How come it’s okay for you to be all disparaging towards Renée and her lacking parenting skills, but the instant Charlie even implies she’s less than stellar, you get all up in his face?

Bella then declares the conversation over, informs Charlie that she is going out and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it, and then leaves with Wardo. Once she gets him alone, she demands to know what is up with him, and he is extremely condescending and smug about it all. Instead of saying that she doesn’t want to go to Florida and that she has no intentions of going, she pretty much wilts. Then we get this:

"Does this sudden urge to see Florida have anything to do with the party at Billy's place?"

His jaw flexed. "Nothing at all. It wouldn't matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn't be going."

It was just like with Charlie before—just like being treated as a misbehaving child. I gritted my teeth together so I wouldn't start shouting. I didn't want to fight with Edward, too.

Yeah. She’ll bow up at Charlie all day long. But she won’t dare argue with Wardo.


Anyway, Wardo neener-neener-neeners about having won the whole bit about them going to Florida, and they head over to his house. Aaaand the visit is completely skipped and suddenly we’re back at Charlie’s place. Wardo drops her off, and he looks in the know about something Charlie is thinking. This can’t be good.

When she gets inside, she finds that Charlie’s rather antsy, and tries rather vainly to get out whatever it is he wants to say. Turns out he’s trying to give Bella the Sex Talk. Bella informs him that Renée gave her that Talk when she was eight, and then reassures him that she is still a virgin with “no immediate plans to change that status”. In a fun world, Charlie would snort and say, “Oral, anal, and handjobs are still sex, Bella. I hope you realize that.” But this is not a fun world. However, Charlie is relieved to discover that his daughter is pure and untouched, which just kind of freaks me out because it sounds…proprietary.

The subject is closed after that, and Bella tells him that she’s going to be seeing Angela soon, and then goes up to bed. Bella briefly ponders her situation, and then goes back downstairs, determined to go see Jacob. Naturally, Charlie is okay with her going out to see him, and she goes out to her truck.

Now, this part has been transcribed countless times by countless sporkers and recappers. I’m not going to be any different. Big quote, folks.

My eyes were just beginning to adjust as I shoved my keys in the ignition. I twisted them hard to the left, but instead of roaring deafeningly to life, the engine just clicked. I tried it again with the same results.

And then a small motion in my peripheral vision made me jump.

"Gah!" I gasped in shock when I saw that I was not alone in the cab.

Edward sat very still, a faint bright spot in the darkness, only his hands moving as he turned a mysterious black object around and around. He stared at the object as he spoke.

"Alice called," he murmured.

Alice! Damn. I'd forgotten to account for her in my plans. He must have her watching me.

"She got nervous when your future rather abruptly disappeared five minutes ago."

My eyes, already wide with surprise, popped wider.

"Because she can't see the wolves, you know," he explained in the same low murmur. "Had you forgotten that? When you decide to mingle your fate with theirs, you disappear, too. You couldn't know that part, I realize that. But can you understand why that might make me a little… anxious? Alice saw you disappear, and she couldn't even tell if you’d come home or not. Your future got lost, just like theirs.

"We're not sure why this is. Some natural defense they're born with?" He spoke as if he were talking to himself now, still looking at the piece of my truck’s engine as he twirled it in his hands. "That doesn't seem entirely likely, since I haven't had any trouble reading their thoughts. The Blacks' at least. Carlisle theorizes that it's because their lives are so ruled by their transformations. It's more an involuntary reaction than a decision. Utterly unpredictable, and it changes everything about them. In that instant when they shift from one form to the other, they don't really even exist. The future can't hold them…"

I listened to his musing in stony silence.

"I'll put your car back together in time for school, in case you'd like to drive yourself, " he assured me after a minute.

There is very little I can add to the discussions that have been said many times regarding this particular scene. I will try, though.

1) I’ve been holding this bit back for the right moment and have decided that now is the right moment to say it. The drum Wardo constantly beats is how dangerous werewolves are, and how he’s only doing this to protect her and that he would never do anything that would put her in danger. Is that so, Wardo? Well, tell me—you left Bella in New Moon because you thought you and your vampire family were too dangerous for Bella to hang around with. You wanted to eat Bella the first time you smelled her, and still want to eat her. You constantly hunger for her blood. You are a perpetual danger to her. And yet you still hang around her. Why don’t you just stop with this safety pretense and speak the truth, hmm?

2) Isn’t it creepy how he never talks directly to her?


Well, I think that’s really all I need to say.

So, Bella leaves, and instead of saying that he won’t come in because he knows she’s angry, he says, “Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I’ll understand.” Mmm. I think we all know where that’s headed.

Anyway, Bella goes back inside, and instead of telling her cop father that her boyfriend just disabled her truck to prevent her from going to see her best friend and getting a restraining order on his ass, she says she had car trouble and goes back upstairs to sleep. And, predictably, she storms upstairs, slams the window shut, and then promptly opens it back up again.

Chapter 3 – Motives

Chapter 3—we’re on a plane flying back from Florida! If you really thought you’d get to see Bella and Wardo visit Renée, I really don’t know what books you’ve been reading. Bella is all pensive, thinking back on how the visits with Renée went. Wardo decides that now is a good time to be absolutely belittling to Renée: “Your mother has a very interesting mind. Almost childlike, but very insightful. She sees things differently than other people.

I don’t think I can take much more of Wardo’s “I’m so much better than you” attitude towards everybody—dear God, I’m only on chapter three…

So, Bella starts thinking about their last morning together when Bella and Renée had taken a stroll down the beach. We also learn how Wardo somehow managed to go to Florida without publicly sparkling—he stayed indoors pretending to be working on a term paper. Fortunately, Renée is an idiot and does not question why Wardo would even go with Bella if he had a term paper to work on and why he only works on it during the day. And I’m not going to go off about publicly sparkling. That particular bit has more plotholes than you could possibly imagine. I pretty much ignore it at this point.

So, we get emphasis on how the humidity just kills Bella (how dare the air have moisture in it and make Bella annoyed?), and we hear that Renée expressed concern that Bella and Wardo are much more serious than she’d originally thought. She also says Wardo is protective—oh, that’s what they’re calling that these days? Then we get this—a nice little call-back to New Moon:

"It's not just him." She set her lips defensively. "I wish you could see how you move around him."

"What do you mean?"

"The way you move—you orient yourself around him without even thinking about it. When he moves, even a little bit, you adjust your position at the same time. Like magnets… or gravity. You're like a… satellite, or something. I've never seen anything like it."

Meyer, you write this like it’s a good thing.

Bella immediately starts handwaving it, and the subject is quickly dropped. Well, that particular bit was highly informative, don’t you think? Yeah, establishing a bunch of nonsense we already knew. Good stuff. So, we snap back to the plane. Wait—no, we’re not on the plane. We’re back at Charlie’s house. Dammit, when did that happen? *shakes head to clear it*

So, Charlie is waiting, and he greets her enthusiastically even though Wardo is clearly stiff and uncomfortable about something Charlie is thinking. Then Charlie and Wardo have an exchange.

Charlie's eyes flickered unwillingly to Edward. "Did you have a nice time?"

"Yes," Edward answered in a serene voice. "Renée was very hospitable."

He just makes absolutely no effort to try and get on Charlie’s good side. He really doesn’t.

Anyway, Charlie then says that Jacob’s been calling like crazy and that she really needs to call him. Speak of the devil, the phone rings. Bella runs to answer it, and Wardo follows so he can eavesdrop on the conversation to make sure she doesn’t say something he won’t approve of. Jacob says that he needs to talk to Bella, and then…kind of doesn’t talk to her. He simply asks if she’ll be at school tomorrow. She says yes, and he pretends to be just curious. *rolls eyes* Yeah, that’s not conspicuous. And then Jacob says goodbye. Well, that was absolutely fascinating. And yes, I did say that like Natalie Burke from Werewolf, why do you ask?

Bella ponders Jacob’s cryptic phone call while we, the audience, keep screaming what it meant from the back row. We are, naturally, ignored and shushed by the Twihards. Bella continues to work at the problem, much like a chimp might try to figure out how to open a coconut. Finally, it comes to her—Jacob obviously thought that during those three days she had been in Florida, she’d been turned into a vampire. Yeah, that’s great, except A) Jacob’s been ignoring Bella, so he wouldn’t have known about it, and B) even if he did know about it, Charlie would have told her why she’d left with Wardo and where she had gone. She didn’t “vanish”. So, this is just more of Meyer doing her classic, “LOOK OVER HERE, LOOK OVER HERE, IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE THAT, STOP LOOKING AT THAT, IT IS CLEARLY THIS!!!!!!!!” style of dead herring.

Wardo, upon being informed of what Bella thinks his motives are, gets pissy. Bella says that, in order to change her, they’ll have to leave Forks, but this conversation is ended when Charlie arrives to watch her make dinner to make sure Wardo doesn’t fondle his daughter. End scene.

Pick up at school. Wardo is in EXTREEEEEEEEME pissiness, and wants Bella to stay in the car. Why? Because it’s Jacob! There he is, his motorcycle “parked illegally on the sidewalk”. Pardon me while I pop in Rebel Without a Cause.

Random train of thought—Jacob, standing outside Bella’s house, screaming, “BELLAAAAAAAAAA!!!” That’s the way this would’ve gone, had he been played by Marlon Brando.

So, Elvis here obviously took a hit off of Sam’s weed, but not enough, as he’s still very tense. And Wardo states the obvious—why, Jacob was asking about school to make sure he could talk to Wardo with witnesses! Thanks for joining us, you two.

Just a note, folks—this marks the beginning of a very long, very tiresome pissing contest that goes on between Wardo and Jacob. I’ll be keeping tabs for you in terms of who gets in what winkie. Just thought you might like to know.

Bella refuses to stay in the car, but Wardo gets in the first winkie by grasping Bella’s hand firmly when they go to meet Jacob. Everybody else is, of course, staring at Jacob in fear, because he’s Jacob Dangerous, coming this fall to TBS. Wardo keeps his distance and puts Bella behind him as if to say, “Yeah, this piece of ass is mine, bitch, and you’ll never have it,” and then says that Jacob should’ve just called. Jacob replies that he doesn’t exactly know their numbers, so Wardo kicks it up a notch and says, “You could have reached me at Bella’s house, of course.” There went winkie number two.

Wardo insists they should discuss this elsewhere—the hidden message here is “Elsewhere where Bella isn’t”. Jacob says to hell with that, and Wardo keeps trying to avoid saying why he’s here by reading Jacob’s mind and saying that he’s got the warning, yeah, yeah, he can go now. Bella naturally wants to know what is going on. Jacob expresses incredulity that Wardo didn’t tell her, and sensibly asks why on earth he should keep quiet and keep Bella out of the loop. So, Jacob tells her. It’s too funny to not quote.

Jacob raised his eyebrow at me. "He didn't tell you that his big…brother crossed the line Saturday night?" he asked, his tone thickly layered with sarcasm. Then his eyes flickered back to Edward. "Paul was totally justified in—"

"It was no-man's land!" Edward hissed.

"Was not!"

They’re gonna start kicking sand at each other and shoving next, I just know it.

So, the first thing Bella asks is whether or not Paul got hurt—the idea of Emmett being harmed is just ludicrous, of course. I mean, they’re just dogs. Wardo tells her that nobody got hurt, and then Jacob is going totally incredulous and disbelieving, stating that Wardo didn’t tell her anything, apparently, and Wardo goes TOTAL bitchface on him. Jacob is pretty serene about it, and I fully agree with him. He is totally saying, “What? You gonna go vampire on me in front of all the humans? Go right ahead.” And, finally, Bella snaps to the present and joins the rest of us. Wardo yet again lied to her about the vision Alice had and has been keeping her in the dark—it wasn’t Jasper, it was Victoria, making another foray to come get Bella.

Quick description of Bella’s reaction:

I heard the quick gasp, gasp, gasp, gasp of the air dragging through my lips, but I couldn't stop it. It looked like the school was shaking, like there was an earthquake, but I knew it was my own trembling that caused the illusion.

Are you EVER aware of your own actions, Bella?

So, Wardo continues to say that everything is fine, and then bitches out Jacob for daring inform Bella of stuff he doesn’t want her to know. Jacob says, “You don’t think Bella has a right to know? It’s her life.” Well said. Wardo insists that it was perfectly all right to lie to her because she wasn’t in danger and thus had no reason to be frightened. Jacob once again nails Wardo: “Better frightened than lied to.” Typical Hairy Stu (and isn’t THAT moniker so very appropriate for Jacob?)—he may be just as annoying and Stuish as the Gary Stu, but damn if he doesn’t say seriously spot-on things.

Bella angsts about Victoria never giving up and coming to kill her, and now you need to see this. It’s rather repulsive.

Edward wiped the tears from my cheek with his fingertips.

"Do you really think hurting her is better than protecting her?" he murmured.

Notice how, even though he’s looking at her and being all tender and stuff, he’s treating her like a fragile, delicate snowflake…and never really talking to her. Again. Like she’s not even there.

Woman, this guy treats you like property. When are you going to learn that?

So, Jacob says that’s bullshit, and then dredges up some memories of when Bella had The Goddamned Hole™. Good on Jacob—that’ll teach Wardo for always snooping around in his mind. But Wardo’s PAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN causes Bella to freak out and demand that Jacob stop that, because it’s okay if Wardo wants to attack you, Jacob, but don’t you even think of doing anything remotely hurtful towards Wardo. And—dammit, another thing that needs to be quoted. Jacob makes one more bit of sense:

"The principal's on his way to discourage loitering on school property," Edward murmured to me. "Let's get to English, Bella, so you're not involved."

"Overprotective, isn't he?" Jacob said, talking just to me. "A little trouble makes life fun. Let me guess, you're not allowed to have fun, are you?"

Edward glowered, and his lips pulled back from his teeth ever so slightly.

"Shut up, Jake," I said.

Jacob laughed. "That sounds like a no. Hey, if you ever feel like having a life again, you could come see me. I've still got your motorcycle in my garage."

Ah, Bella—that classic abused girlfriend. Always rushing to her boyfriend’s defense when somebody points out the goddamned truth about him.

Oh, and anybody notice that once Meyer finishes comparing one book to another piece of literature, she pretty much completely drops it? We had this whole “They fight, Paris falls” nonsense in New Moon. That never comes up again.

So, then Meyer decides that Jacob is making far, far too much sense and rapidly dismantles his character and turns him into a pathetic, sniveling little twerp who begs Bella to come see him and how he’s LONELY out in La Push and that she’s his onwy fwiend and it just about makes me gag. Wardo pretty much sits there and holds her still, and he can’t pull the “it’s not safe” routine now, because there are plenty of witnesses here to make sure Jacob doesn’t explode into a werewolf. He’s doing it because he’s a controlling asswipe, end of story.

Unfortunately, the principal arrives to break up this nonsense, does so, and sends a smartarse, irritating Jacob packing and orders Bella and Wardo to class (where the teacher is, I’m sure by coincidence, reciting a Robert Frost poem. I wonder which one it could be). Once there, Bella starts passing notes. She wants to know what happened while they were gone, first off. Wardo writes a big long response, saying that Victoria was around the Quileute border and that the werewolves and the vampires were both hunting her, and Paul thought Emmett crossed the border and forgot all about Victoria in favor of threatening him. Okay, so is it a prejudice against vampires or a prejudice against the Cullens? Because Victoria is an obviously hostile vampire and the Cullens aren’t, but Paul will attack a Cullen before he goes for a hostile vampire? STUPID, Meyer.

Bella ponders those words, continues to talk about the werewolves’ inferiority to vampires, then asks if Charlie was okay and says that going to Florida was not a good thing. Wardo’s response is to basically say that he had to go with her, because if he hadn’t, the plane would’ve crashed. I am so not joking. That leads to a very pointless and supposedly “humorous” note-passing conversation, and it’s so bad (and, at one point, extremely enraging) that I will spare you. Bella insists that Wardo tell her about the next time, and he sighs and concedes and she immediately trusts him (dude, he’s been lying to you from the start of all three novels thus far—what the hell is wrong with you?). Then the English teacher arrives, tries to catch them note-passing, and Wardo shows off his super vampiric speed for Bella and is very smug about it.

So, later on, during Calculus, it turns out that all the boys are putting bets on who will win whatever fight they see coming—Jacob or Wardo. They also make it clear that they know what—or rather, who—they are fighting over.

End chapter.

Paul Count: 2

See you guys next time with Chapter 4 – Nature.

Stinger: “"Overprotective, isn't he?" Jacob said, talking just to me. "A little trouble makes life fun. Let me guess, you're not allowed to have fun, are you?"”

( Chapter 4 - Nature )

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  • The Darkest Hour: Epilogue

    Well, here we are. The end. The Epilogue. The final installment of “The Darkest Hour”, which you all have so patiently waded through. Thank you so…

  • The Darkest Hour: Part VI (2 of 2)

    Only the epilogue is left. This is where all that character building pays off. This is the scene that, when I told one of our test subjects about it,…

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