Jacob, Mike, and Bella went to a movie. Bella and Jacob were assholes to Mike. Jacob officially began his transformation into the Big Furry Douche™ (BFD), © cleolinda, and it ended on a fairly well-written note of Jacob miserably telling Bella that there was something very wrong with him, that she had to stay far, far away from him, and that he would call when he was better.
That’s pretty much it, folks! Onward!
Chapter 10 – The Meadow
We don’t know for sure how long Bella waits before calling Jacob, because she doesn’t tell us, but she makes it clear that Jacob doesn’t call quick enough to suit Bella. It could’ve been an hour, for all we know (and considering how codependent she is, it wouldn’t surprise me if it had only been ten minutes). So, she calls up Billy, and he informs her that Jacob is very sick and still in bed, and reassures her that he has taken his son to the hospital. For some Unexplained Reason That Is Convenient To The Plot™, Bella is suspicious of Billy and, upon receiving no answer to her phone calls for two days straight, drives out to see Jacob but discovers nobody is home. She drives by the hospital to see if Jacob was there, but is told that neither Jacob nor Billy have visited the hospital.
1) I’m surprised she went to the hospital; wouldn’t the hospital be a reminder of the Cullens, and thus trigger a long and breast-beating monologue of her PAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIN?
2) Damn, but she gets obsessed with the people she claims to love. Well, it must be that, since Bella the Moon can no longer orbit Wardo the Planet, she is now orbiting Jacob the Planet. I wish Jacob would be a realistic teenaged male and, upon discovering this, promptly says, “Damn, bitch, give me some SPACE!” However, as Jacob is a male in Meyer’s universe, and since Bella is bestowing attention upon him, he’s probably jumping up and down. Well, he would be, were he not busy being a werewolf.
Anyway—Bella continues with her obsession and demands that Charlie call Harry Clearwater and find out what’s going on with the Blacks. Bella is irritated when Charlie first shows concern with Harry having visited the hospital for heart tests rather than immediately concentrating on her problems, but the conversation eventually comes around to Jacob. As it turns out, there has been trouble with the phone lines, and Jacob has mono. Billy says no visitors. Bella is absolutely outraged, because how DARE Billy choose to quarantine his sick son for the safety of others, but Charlie for once tells her to not annoy people (too little, too late, bub). So, instead of go harass Jacob and Billy, Bella goes upstairs and searches for mono on the computer. She then says this: “All I knew about mono was that you were supposed to get it from kissing, which was clearly not the case with Jake.” Oh, is that so, Bella? You are that confident in Jacob’s level of devotion to you, hmm? I guess that’s why she deems Jacob worthy of her attentions, unlike all the other boys in town. All of the other boys, upon finding out that Bella Freakin’ Swan won’t date them, go off and find girlfriends. Jacob pines away for Bella, remaining celibate and refusing to date any other person but Bella, even if he has no chance. He will pine for her until the day he dies and die a virgin who has never known the touch of a woman—or the touch of Bella.
In other words, I really hate Bella. And Meyer.
Anyway. Moving on.
Bella is still suspicious of Billy’s story regarding Jacob’s illness, and makes it very clear that her main concern is not that Jacob might be seriously ill, but that she won’t get to see him. How sweet. Bella is devastated to learn that the disease can last a month, but brushes it off by deciding that Jacob won’t obey Billy’s no-visitors policy—and then decides that she won’t obey it either, and gives Billy a week before insisting that he obey her commands as Head Sue and allow her to see Jacob.
That stupid nightmare shows up again—you know, the one that is basically her running around in the forest? The extremely boring one that, for some odd reason, has her screaming herself awake? Because Bella here does not have normal dreams and always has to dream about whatever is happening at the time or something all symbolick and forshadow-y? That, and that goddamned hole in her chest is back, and we get to hear about it. UGH.
So, Meyer sums up the week by saying, “Bella has nothing-nightmare for a week and wakes up screaming every time. Oh, and the hole in her chest is there—remember that? I thought you might have forgotten it—I mean, I went an entire chapter without mentioning it!” So she calls Jacob, determining that if the phone lines still aren’t working, she was going to drive to Jacob’s house, because she has no respect for his privacy in the slightest. Fortunately, Billy answers, and he’s still acting extremely suspicious and the poorest damned liar I’ve ever seen. He says it wasn’t mono, and that it was “just some other virus”. But, fortunately, as Meyer has no knowledge of biology and viruses and apparently has no idea what the word “research” is, that excuse’ll tide Bella over, too. He says Jacob is better, and that he’s in Port Angeles to see some movies and that he’ll be gone all day and that BELLA CAN’T SEE HIM AND SHE NEEDS TO JUST STAY AWAY STOP BOTHERING THEM GODDAMMIT CAN’T YOU SEE JACOB IS JUST TRYING TO BE A WEREWOLF IN PEACE???!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, Bella lies about how glad she is that he’s feeling good enough to go out with friends, and then says this:
Jacob was better, but not well enough to call me. He was out with friends. I was sitting home, missing him more every hour. I was lonely, worried, bored…perforated—and now also desolate as I realized that the week apart had not had the same effect on him.
Wow. That’s the whole package, isn’t it?
“WAAAAAAAH, HE’S NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO ME!!!”
“WAAAAAAAH, HE’S GOT FRIENDS OTHER THAN ME AND IS DARING TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM!!!!!!”
“WAAAAAAAH, WHAT ABOUT ME????!!!!!!”
“WAAAAAAAH, HOW COME HE’S NOT DEVASTATED WITHOUT ME????!!!!! HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT HAVING A LIFE OUTSIDE OF ME!!!!!!!”
Impressive, isn’t it?
So, Billy says goodbye, and Bella whines because she thinks Jacob basically did the very thing she’s been telling him to do—to not waste his time on her. And I’m supposed to think Rosalie is shallow for telling Edward she’d never have him, and then getting mad when he displays interest in somebody else? Anyway, Charlie shows up, asks her what’s up, and the way she responds alarms Charlie, as she appears to be going back into zombie phase without Jacob to cling to (Meyer, I am sick and tired of you telling me that, unless a woman has a man, she’s an empty, hollow shell that just wanders aimlessly through the world, waiting for death—I really am). Charlie offers to stay home, rather than go fishing, so Bella lies and says she’ll call Jessica and study for a Calculus test. Charlie says it’s probably smart for her to hang out with her other friends, because hanging out solely with Jacob will make them think she’s basically forgotten all about them—uh, Charlie? She kind of does forget all about her other “friends” when she gets a man to cleave to, whether it be Jacob or Edward. It’s just what she does. And then Bella says this: “I smiled and nodded as if I cared what my other friends thought.”
WOW. That is all, thank you.
Charlie says that Bella really needs to stay out of the woods, no matter what she does, because they’re finding big animal prints, and a hiker has gone missing. Bella, naturally, does not care about this sort of nonsense (how dare you bother her with news that people are dying horrible deaths by the claws of a crazed bear? She’s got a hole in her chest she has to worry about!). Charlie also goes from concerned parent to unconcerned parent in about three seconds, the prospect of fishing being much more appealing than worrying about whether or not his daughter is sinking back into a depression. I’m gonna have to take his side at this point—I’d pretty much give up on her after the whole zombie thing happening a second time. I mean, it’s pretty obvious she has no spine and no personality outside of a man, so I have no idea why he stays around the house at all.
Once Charlie leaves, she tries to figure out what to do. And that is when we get this gem of a line:
I wasn't going to call Jessica. As far as I could tell, Jessica had crossed over to the dark side.
Yes, folks, you heard it here first—anybody who DOESN’T like Bella is “the dark side”. Anybody who doesn’t think Bella is just the berries and worships the ground she walks on is a dirty, rotten, foul, evil person.
I believe that right there is Meyer’s little way of telling anybody who criticizes her stories and her characters and her writing exactly what she thinks of them. That’s very interesting—most Suethors insult their readers in an author’s note. Not so with Meyer—she insults them in the writing itself!
Moving on. She rules out the motorcycle, because she’s incompetent and needs someone else (read: a man) to help her in case she has yet another accident, so she decides on looking for the meadow. Marvelous—she not only lied to Charlie about what she’d be doing today, but she is going to do the very thing he told her not to do. What a great kid—I’d sure love her for my daughter. She feels the slightest bit of guilt for doing the opposite of what her dad told her to do, but quickly brushes it aside, because she doesn’t have time to think of people who aren’t Bella Swan. She finds the road they usually start at when searching for the meadow, and promptly starts out with her map and her compass.
The forest seems eerier during her hike, as she’s alone this time, and then she decides to bring up The Goddamned Hole™, because she probably sensed the audience wasn’t pitying her enough. And then, one paragraph later, BAM, she’s in the meadow. And, just as we knew would happen, no Wardo’s voice.
The disappointment of it all makes her collapse and tell us all about The Goddamned Hole™. Ahem—one moment, please?
*slapping Bella with every word* YOU! DO! NOT! HAVE! A! LITERAL! HOLE! IN! YOUR! CHEST!
*bows* Thank you.
So she whines for about a page more about how WAH, she’s all alone, all by herself, and Wardo’s not here, whine whine whine, WAH WAH WAH, and just as she gets to her feet to leave, somebody emerges across the way from the trees. It takes her a while, and she finally recognizes who it is.
Shazam, it’s Laurent!
Brief aside: it pleased me more than you know that they made Laurent black in the movie. The fact that all of the vampires in the books (actually, pretty much everyone) was white/Caucasian really, really bugged me, and really didn’t say very good things regarding Meyer, as she says vampires are the bestest thing that ever did best and made them all white (and, as we later see, you pretty much become white when you’re vamped, regardless of what color your skin was when you were human—see stoney123’s commentary, particularly the “white and delightsome” bit, as a rather eye-opening take on that). Aside over.
She gives us backstory regarding Laurent and how he’d been running with James, and beats us over the head that, even though when he’d been running with James he’d been perfectly fine with eating people and even going so far to be willing to eat our heroine here, he MUST have changed, because, after all, he’d SAID he was going to live in Alaska, and vampires don’t lie because they are
Anyway, because she’s so convinced that Laurent totally did exactly what he was going to say (even though what he said was that he thought he might go check out the Alaskans, not that he actually would), she’s actually extremely happy to see him, because seeing him means Wardo actually existed. Laurent is equally surprised to see her, and is smug for some reason, all while Bella spends most of her time saying there is something about him she can’t put her finger on. She and Laurent make pleasant conversation, her asking what he’s doing down here, and he admits to have gone to Alaska, then asks why she’s here if the Cullens aren’t. She puts on a good show of sadness, hoping that Laurent will pity her, and is disappointed when he doesn’t. She tells him that they did move on, and he asks why they didn’t take her with them, since she was their “pet”, as he puts it, which amused me for some reason. Bella doesn’t take offense, and is actually wryly amused and says she was “something like that”. Look, Bella, if even you can’t admit that you and Wardo weren’t actually in love, and it was more of a D/s relationship…
Unfortunately, that’s the exact moment when she realizes what the deal with Laurent’s appearance is. He’s got red eyes, unlike the “good vampires”, as she says. Bella, if only “good vampires” drink animal blood, how come you’re perfectly willing to accept help from “bad vampires” in Breaking Dawn? How come those “bad vampires” become “good vampires” once they devote themselves to your cause and are willing to sacrifice their lives for the sake of your demon spawn?
Oh, wait, I just answers my own question. Moving on.
So, now that danger has presented itself, Wardo’s imaginary voice shows up after Laurent asks if they visit. I’d also like to note that, even though she’s in terrible danger right now, she still has to tell us all about how gorgeous his voice is. Imaginary!Wardo tells her to lie, and she lies about as well as Billy does. I’d like to point out that she already admitted to the Cullens moving on. But she still babbles on about how she’ll be sure to tell the Cullens that he showed up, and is totally unconvincing, and Laurent doesn’t buy it in the slightest. She then asks about the Denali group, and Laurent says he has the hots for the one called Irina, then informs her cheerfully that the diet is not something he can totally handle and that he often cheats. Imaginary!Wardo keeps giving her advice, telling her not to run, and she tries to keep up the façade, and it totally isn’t working. Laurent keeps inching closer and closer and closer, until Bella asks if he ever met back up with Victoria. He stops at that, and then says that he came down to Forks again as a favor to Victoria, then says she’s not going to be happy with him because he’s going to kill Bella, so I’m still not exactly sure what favor Victoria wanted Laurent to do for her in Forks regarding Bella.
Bella has a panic attack, and Imaginary!Wardo growls like an empty stomach. Laurent continues to exposit, saying that Victoria is angry at Bella because Wardo killed her mate, and because Laurent says Wardo’s name, Bella takes time out of her schedule of being threatened by random vampires to whine about The Goddamned Hole™. Laurent continues on by informing her that she wants to kill Bella in order to get back at Wardo—which means she isn’t put out with Bella, but is put out with Wardo. Get your facts straight, Laurent.
Brief aside: Gotta admire Victoria! James was her True Love Forever and Ever, and when he vanished from her side, what did she do? Well, she sure as hell didn’t curl up and whine about some Goddamned Hole™! Despite the fact that she is defined only by her man, she still went out and started seeking revenge! Now there’s an empowered female! And she’s pursuing the noble cause of bringing out Bella’s death! Go Victoria! Go!
Laurent decides to inform us of what the favor was, and tells us he came down here to get the lay of the land—why Victoria couldn’t do that herself, or how she didn’t get the lay of the land she last time she was down here is beyond me. Laurent delivers a totally awesome and inadvertent blow to Bella’s delicate ego, by saying her plan for vengeance wasn’t all that great, seeing as Bella must not mean all that much to Wardo because he left her here completely unprotected. He’s actually right in this instance, you know. So, Laurent muses that she’ll be mad anyway, but I don’t think she will, because, if Victoria’s ultimate vengeance is the death of Bella, she might be a little irritated that she didn’t get to kill Bella personally, but the girl’s still dead, and tit for tat has been achieved. Unless, of course, Victoria twirls her mustache as much as James did—in that case, she’ll have a giant tantrum because she didn’t get to kill Bella personally and make a huge production of it.
Bella tries to stall for time by saying he should wait for Victoria, and he says he’s hungry and she’s just absolutely mouthwatering. Imaginary!Wardo tells her to try and threaten him, and Bella still has to tell us all about how beautiful the voice is. She tells him that Wardo will come and get him if he kills her. Fortunately, Laurent brushes this off by saying, “Dude, he left you here with no protection, and you aren’t fooling anybody by saying he visits—I’m not going to leave any trace behind, and the next time it rains, my scent will be gone.” Imaginary!Wardo continues giving her orders (business as usual with that dick), because Bella apparently cannot operate on her own and has absolutely no instinct for self preservation and tells her to try begging, which she does. Laurent tells her he should thank her that he’s the one to kill her—he’ll make it quick and painless, but Victoria was going to draw it out and make her suffer. Imaginary!Wardo lets out a great big roar, and Bella just sits there like a stump, waiting for Laurent to kill her. What is with this chick and just sitting around waiting for predators to kill her? She has absolutely no “fight or flight” reaction. Let’s take a moment to examine Bella: she’s got crippling clumsiness, no “fight or flight” instinct, physical attraction towards predators, and desires to mate with creatures that are not actually her species. Well, I think it’s quite obvious here that Bella is one of those humans not meant to reproduce—everything about her screams “REMOVE ME FROM THE GENE POOL”.
Unfortunately, before Laurent can do just that, he looks to the left in shock and starts backing away. Bella has no idea what he’s looking at, and then it appears—a big giant thing with a mouthful of hyperbole. Bella knows that had to be the bear they were talking about, but she knows it isn’t a bear. Imaginary!Wardo tells her to stay still, while she tries to comprehend that she’s looking a wolf the size of a horse. Bella can’t comprehend that a vampire would be afraid of a wolf, no matter how big it is, and then more wolves appear, bringing the group up to five. Bella has Delayed Reaction Syndrome and gasps and jumps back after one of the wolves gets close enough for her to touch, and spends a good long while saying that because of that, she’s now drawn the wolves’ attention to herself and now they’re going to kill her, blah blah blah, naturally, they don’t.
And then, Meyer does something that is basically a near word-for-word imitation of Airhead—a herring so dead that it’s nothing but a skeleton.
The wolf closest to me, the reddish brown one, turned its head slightly at the sound of my gasp.
The wolf's eyes were dark, nearly black. It gazed at me for a fraction of a second, the deep eyes seeming too intelligent for a wild animal.
As it stared at me, I suddenly thought of Jacob—again, with gratitude. At least I'd come here alone, to this fairytale meadow filled with dark monsters. At least Jacob wasn't going to die, too. At least I wouldn't have his death on my hands.
Oh, you don’t think that’s straight out of Airhead? Well, look at this, a direct quote from “Ariana’s Hidden Power”, the second year of Ariana’s reign at Hogwarts:
She was sitting on the grass, watching the clouds, when she heard a rustling in the leaves of a nearby bush. She looked at the bush, just as a small brown rat scurried out of it.
“Well, hello there.” She said. She wasn’t sure if she should approach it. She remembered Ron telling her about Wormtail, who had posed as Ron’s pet rat for years. But he had been gray, not tan like this one, so she relaxed. There was no way this could be Scabbers. Animagi couldn’t change their markings.
And, of course, the rat turns out to be Pettigrew.
Need I say more? I didn’t think so.
Continuing with our story—Laurent stares at the pack for a moment more, and then turns tail and runs, the wolves fast on his heels. And Bella has a realistic reaction after a dangerous situation has passed for once: she goes weak in the knees and starts crying, frozen for a bit out of fear and horror. However, then Bella contradicts herself by first saying that her mind is completely numb and she can’t move past the fear and horror of what just happened, and then gives a rational discussion as to why it was not logical for the wolves to pursue Laurent instead of her. Finally, Bella snaps out of it and runs away, and, had Meyer not condensed her trek through the forest back home into less than half a page, it actually might’ve been vaguely creepy and tense. Unfortunately, she did condense it into less than half a page, so it was highly ineffective.
She reaches her truck again, sobbing now, and drives as fast as she can home. Charlie’s already there, as she’s been out for a while, and he’s not happy with her. She tells the truth for a change, and, though it takes Charlie a while to catch on, he finally figures out that she is very shaken and asks what happened. She tells him about what she saw, excluding the vampire part, and Charlie snaps back into Concerned Parent mode. Bella really ought to at least get the software in her Dadbot model 1.0 upgraded, if not just spring for model 2.0. He tells her no more hiking, and she readily agrees. And, for once in her miserable life, Bella lies for the sake of other people—she lies about where she saw the wolves, because she doesn’t want anybody searching around where Laurent might be. Hallelujah.
Bella then tells Charlie that she is very tired and sets to go upstairs to sleep, but not before Charlie mentions that he saw Jacob in town, that he didn’t acknowledge Charlie’s friendly wave, and that he looked different and even bigger than he had before. He also mentions that he was arguing with his friends. Bella chalks up the argument to Jacob trying to clear things up about Embry joining Sam’s little “cult”, and goes to bed.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like a restful night—she can’t stop thinking about Laurent and Victoria being out for her blood. And Bella shocks us all by being actively concerned that they might kill Charlie after they killed her. Then Meyer presents us with another Airhead parallel:
To calm myself, I fantasized the impossible: I imagined the big wolves catching up to Laurent in the woods and massacring the indestructible immortal the way they would any normal person. Despite the absurdity of such a vision, the idea comforted me. If the wolves got him, then he couldn't tell Victoria I was here all alone. If he didn't return, maybe she'd think the Cullens were still protecting me.
If only the wolves could win such a fight…
You really shouldn’t tell us your plot and future events like that, Meyer. It’s just bad story-telling.
Bella whines about how she’s alone and unprotected, and we end the chapter with Bella being terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought regarding Victoria. Which doesn’t make any sense—she walked willingly into the arms of death in Twilight. Why so
And that’s it. See you next time, when we dissect Chapter 11 – Cult!
Stinger: Stinger: “I wasn't going to call Jessica. As far as I could tell, Jessica had crossed over to the dark side.”
( Chapter 11 - Cult )
In other news, I saw a preview for a movie called Grace after a saw an article on SlashFilm and WorstPreviews saying that two people during the premiere of said movie fainted. Now, any movie that gets people fainting has my interest. I can't really find too much in terms of plot, save for the bare bones, but if they do what I think they're doing, I'll totally be on board for this, because that's damned creepy. If it turns out to be what I have a feeling it is...
THAT, Meyer, is a creepy Death Baby. None of this, "Oh, I love it even though it's breaking my spine and my ribs and my pelvis, and I'm willing to die for it even though it's killing me!" crap. No, THAT right there is scary devotion to a child--acknowledgement that the thing is a monster, and a willingness to sacrifice THAT MUCH for it. THAT is scary Mother's Love.
I kind of want to see this, but I don't think it's going to get an extensive release...anybody have any info on the movie Grace that I haven't already seen? Drop me a line if you do. Thanks.