Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

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New Moon Notes: Chapters 5-6

‘Kay. In the last installment, I only managed to get through one chapter. And in that one chapter, Bella Swan informed us that, in that four month stretch that Meyer completely skipped over, she pretty much did absolutely nothing with herself. Sure, she kept her grades up and worked and cooked, but she emphasized that she was nothing but a hollow shell without her man. And then she went and tried to get herself raped and murdered so that Edward would come rescue her. That’s when I started trashing bitches. Anyway—Bella claims to have finally woken up from her daze, but I don’t buy it in the slightest.

So, moving on.

Chapter 5 – Cheater

--“"Bella, why don't you take off," Mike suggested…” Yes, Bella. Do take off. Just leave—and never come back. Ever. I don’t want to see you anymore.

--“…his eyes focused off to the side, not really looking at me. I wondered how long that had been going on without me noticing.” You mean…how long had Mike been not looking at you without you noticing? Implying that he should be looking at you all the time while you were totally unresponsive? Are you kidding me?

--Meyer, your conversation between the two mountain men regarding bears is either poor filler content designed to drive your word count up, or is your statement on how that, now that the Cullens are gone, the predators of the area are flourishing once again. Oh, and how come only one of the mountain men has an insulting nickname from Bella (that one being “Leather-face”, which only makes me drift off into some nice fantasies involving the real Leatherface coming down on Bella’s ass with his chainsaw, skinning her, and stitching the pieces together into a nice dress for Alice) but the other one doesn’t? I’m sure you could’ve come up with something, like maybe Gimli, what with that beard and all. Or could you not get permission to reference the name?

--“Last night had been particularly brutal, and I had no desire to revisit the scene of the suffering.” *wryly* Wanna crank up that emo meter a little higher, Bella? I don’t think you’ve taken quite enough time to bend me over, make me grab my ankles, and shove all your angst up my ass.

--Wait—wait a second. What? You’re telling me that months have passed AGAIN with no mention of what went on in between besides you babbling on about your stupid pointless nightmare about how your life is nothing without Edward?! GAH!!!! *stampedes through Tokyo again*

--“Even as I shuddered away from the images, I felt my eyes fill with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest. I took one hand from the steering wheel and wrapped it around my torso to hold it in one piece.” Yes, she has a hole in her chest. Edward ripped her heart out. Well, considering what I know she’s going to be doing to Jacob in this series, I’d say it’s a fitting punishment.

--“I curled over, pressing my face against the steering wheel and trying to breathe without lungs.” Yes, it is as stupid as it sounds.

--“I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now—if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it—I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way.” *warbling* There’s got to be a morning a-a-a-a-after…

--‘Kay, I’m just gonna jump ahead, here. You want the skinny? Bella’s whining. Edward broke his prooooomise, wah wah, she has a hole in her chest and her life is over and now she’s going to find some way to break her side of Wardo’s stupid bargain (you know, that whole, “I’ll pretend I never existed in your life and you won’t do anything reckless or stupid, kthnxbai”) when he left. Let’s move on, shall we?

--“It clicked together for me then. I wanted to be stupid and reckless, and I wanted to break promises. Why stop at one?” Uh, maybe because you’re just doing this to somehow show Edward a thing or two, not your dad? What did Charlie ever do to you?

--“He had no trouble remembering my name.” And yet, despite her ridiculous fame in this town, Bella can’t be arsed to remember his. How nice.

--Okay, so, she buys these motorcycles in the hopes that she can start driving like a maniac on them and get herself killed, but she buys them aware of the fact that they don’t run, can’t work on motorcycles herself, and can’t afford to get them fixed? Way to go, Bella.

--Oh, look! Bella’s poor and ethnic friend who builds cars! Hooray! Poor Jacob—he has no idea what’s in store for him.

--“I smiled back, and something clicked silently into place, like two corresponding puzzle pieces. I'd forgotten how much I really liked Jacob Black.” So had we—in that, we never saw that you liked him much in the first place. The most thought you ever gave him was exasperation because he too had the nerve to fall in love with you after you flirted the story of the werewolves and vampires out of him.

--Okay, stop bringing everything around to Edward, please. It’s getting irritating. I mean, I know your life revolves around him, but damn, girl.

--Well, there it is. Even now that Wardo’s gone and supposedly never coming back, Bella still has no plans whatsoever to go to college, no drive to do anything with her life, no nothing. Which is funny, considering how Meyer constantly tells us all about how smart Bella is, and how literary Bella is, and how Forks High just doesn’t challenge her tremendous brain enough. Nope—she’s gonna spend her college fund on parts for this motorcycle that she plans on riding to her death. Because, somehow, that’ll teach Edward. Who doesn’t know she’s doing it. No, I don’t know how this is at all logical. Stop looking at me!

--Well, and we reach the end of this chapter, where Bella calls Jacob a gift from the gods—does that mean Wardo gave him to you? You call him a god all the time. Your own personal god, I might add. Anyway—I feel tremendously sorry for Jacob. He thinks Bella just came because she thinks he’s her friend, and she wants to spend some time with him. Wrong, Jacob. She’s doing none of this with you in mind—this is still all about Wardo. She is using you to somehow get to Wardo, just as she always does. She knows you like her, and she doesn’t care in the slightest—wait, she does care. She cares a lot—because it’s easier for her to manipulate your emotions if she knows you like her. I hate Bella Swan. Like, a lot. Oh, and har-de-har-har on the chapter title, Meyer. She’s not only cheating on the bargain, but cheating on Wardo with Jacob. ZOMG. So clever. Except…she’s not really cheating on Wardo at all, because she doesn’t like Jacob that way. Unless, of course, you are implying that Bella spending any kind of time with any boy other than her One Twu Wub, no matter what the intentions, is cheating. Which, if you are, that is sick, my dear.

Chapter 6 – Friends

--Friends? What friends? Bella doesn’t have any friends—she and Wardo aren’t even friends. The closest thing she might have to a friend is Alice, and from what I hear about her in Eclipse, what with Wardo paying her to keep Bella hostage so she can’t go see Jacob, I can’t count her as a friend, either.

--You, Bella Swan, are daring to say that somebody else’s name is unusual. BELLA FREAKIN’ SWAN. And I won’t bring up Renesmee. That would just be unkind, wouldn’t it. *cough*Renesmee*cough*

--And let’s bring in convenience and contrivance to the nth degree! We’re talking about the friends, and lo and behold, they stride around the corner! Meyer, I wouldn’t mind one or two instances of this convenience shit, but with you, it happens every other page,.

--*groans* And the two boys both immediately fall in love with Bella AND think that Jacob is getting some and have to make lots of immature and juvenile references to girls and sex (which, you know, I always associated with juvenile and virginal writing by a juvenile and virginal author. Go figure, man).

--“Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really understand the excitement.” You hear that, folks? That is the sound of millions of female mechanics and auto enthusiasts. And they are very angry.

--“I squeezed my eyes shut and…the next thing I next I knew, it was morning. Now, I can’t get too mad at her for this particular time hiccup. While it is obviously a time hiccup, I can also relate to it—I’ve done this before. I’ve closed my eyes and then, when I’ve opened them again, it’s morning. It feels like I blinked. Unfortunately, Meyer is also trying to imply that Bella just got the first good night’s rest she’s gotten in however long it’s been (do we EVER find that out?). I can attest that no, after the blink-sleep, you are NOT well-rested. You feel like crap all day and fall asleep in your Cheerios. So, no points, but none are knocked off your total negative tally for time jumps, either.

--All this nonsense about Bella looking forward to seeing Jacob just makes me mad. For one, it’s obvious that she’s just basically using him, no matter what she wants. For two, everything she does with him immediately swings right back around to WARDO. So all this bullshit about Bella taking an interest in life because of Jacob has no real impact on the plot except to string poor Jacob along. So fuck you.

--Yes. Jacob is a happy person. But then we have to see the world through YOUR eyes, a black raincloud of obsessed DOOM who does nothing but whine when she doesn’t get her way and talks perpetually down to everyone she meets save vampires. So, why is this story about you, again?

--‘Kay, the bits about Bella not knowing how to do work on cars and motorcycles…well, mostly, it pisses me off. Because, ordinarily, I’d be able to relate. I know pretty much nothing about cars or other assorted vehicles. But the earlier statement that basically said only BOYS know about those things negates any ability to relate, as well as and brands Meyer and Bella—who are the same person—as idiotic twits who are sexist against their own gender.

--Of course Quil likes Bella, Jacob. Come on—if it’s got a penis—even a marble sparklepeen—it likes Bella. That’s a fact of life.

--So, we got three pages where Wardo wasn’t mentioned—that was simply too long. Time to bring him back up and insert a little, “Well, even though I’m having a good time with Jacob, I’m still only doing all of this because of Wardo.” Fuck you too, I guess, then Jacob. My sympathies.

--Charlie is making an excellent point by hinting that she should date Jacob. Because she laughs with Jacob. I can’t remember a time when Bella laughed like she laughs with Jacob when she was with Wardo. They don’t laugh at all—they just stare wistfully into each other’s eyes, chastely kiss and snuggle, and spend time enjoying their not-chemistry. Jacob and Bella at least have some form of chem. However, at this stage, Jacob is way too good for Bella. However, Meyer doesn’t like people liking characters better than Bella, so she always takes time out of her busy schedule of wanking over Wardo to find ways to smash them into itty-pitty pieces and make us hate them. Yeah, Meyer, I’m looking at Charlie, and I know all about Jacob’s transformation into the big furry douche.

--“And I noticed that the whole thing read like a journal entry, rather than a letter to someone else.” Aww—Meyer’s using that irony again! I’d missed that.

--I’m extremely sick of Bella’s symbolic and foreshadowing dreams. NOBODY DREAMS LIKE THIS. AIRHEAD DREAMED LIKE THAT, AND SHE WAS A SUE, TOO.

--I love this. She finally returns to the land of the living, and has the nerve to sound indignant when people don’t welcome her back with open arms. I’m totally on the side of all these people. Keep ignoring her—she’s a total bitch.

--Here’s Meyer, trying her best to make Lauren out to be a total bitch. I’m actually totally on her side, too. “Oh, great—Bella’s back. That means we all have to drop our lives again and make sure ours revolve around hers. *roll eyes*” I would bet fifty dollars that that is what Lauren was thinking. Man, I love Scary Sues, I really do—for all their flat characterization and stupid Sue-ish qualities, they sure do have a knack for saying what the reader is thinking.

--You’re right, Angela. Nothing HAS changed. Bella’s life still revolves around Edward, she is still using people, still being condescending to anyone who doesn’t like her, and generally treating everyone around her like crap and expecting their lives to revolve around her. Absolutely NOTHING has changed.

Final Thoughts

So, I call this my official introduction to Jacob, because the one in Twilight? No. That introduced me to some idiot named Plot Device who had no characterization and served no purpose except to be a plot device. Now I’m meeting Jacob Black, and he appears to be relatively interesting. He has some personality, which is shocking when it comes to nearly every other character in the Twilight series. However, he does have one thing going against him—we get to hear about Bella constantly talking about how Jacob likes her. Jacob likes her. Jacob likes her. Jacob likes her. Which, you know, really aggravates me, as she’s spending all this time bemoaning the fact that Edward doesn’t like her anymore, when he clearly does. Not to mention the fact that having all the boys like and fight over your main OC is one of the top ten Sue traits, and one that always particularly pissed me off.

And on that subject, I’d like to ask Meyer this: How on earth am I supposed to like or sympathize with Bella, please? I’d like to know.

First, she pretty much brushes off her friends save for when Wardo and his posse are not in school and she doesn’t have anybody to talk to. Then they leave, and she spends four months completely ignoring her friends and treating them like crap when Wardo makes his grand, trampling exit. She makes no effort to acknowledge them, and basically can’t even remember what happened in those last four months—she paid that little attention to them. And then she just sweeps back in and starts chatting them up and expects everything to go back to normal and expects their lives to start revolving around her again as if nothing happened. And gets indignant and huffy when some of the people dare NOT welcome her back with open arms.

Then there is the situation with Jacob. She’s displayed no interest whatsoever in seeing Jacob, never spares him a thought at all in the books, until she realizes she needs a motorcycle worked on. Then she goes to him, and pretty much spends a lot of time reminding us that, the only reason she’s going to him is so she can use him. Meyer’s trying to emphasize that she’s maybe seeing him in a new light, and trying to hint at a love triangle, but it’s not working, because her thoughts invariably always go right back to Wardo, and the fact that she’s doing all of this because of Wardo, and it has nothing to do with spending time with Jacob at all. She does not go to Jacob because he is supposed to be her friend—she goes to Jacob because he is useful, whether it’s to fix her death motorcycle or to cheer her up. And then, of course, there is the obvious way that she is stringing him along, making him think that he’s got a chance at her now that Wardo’s gone. I mean, look at it—Wardo leaves, and suddenly she starts hanging out with him.

Bella is selfish. Bella is condescending. Bella is high-and-mighty. Bella has no likeable qualities whatsoever. The few personality traits she does have are completely disgusting and revolting. And this is the protagonist, the one I’m supposed to sympathize with and care for in some regard.

No. Absolutely not. End of story.

Stinger: “Even as I shuddered away from the images, I felt my eyes fill with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest. I took one hand from the steering wheel and wrapped it around my torso to hold it in one piece.”

( Chapter 7 - Repetition )

So, there’s an article over at SlashFilm that says in big letters, “How Twilight Is Destroying America and Harming Our Nation’s Youth.”

My reaction?

A wry, “You guys just saw the movie two weeks ago, en? You never read the books, did you. Well, thanks for joining us, gentlemen. Good to know you’re now all caught up.”

Seriously—these guys are acting like they’re the first ones to notice this. Critics, people have been screaming that since the books first came out 2005. You are adding nothing new to the argument. Stop pretending you are being original and get with the times.

Anyway, some other things I noticed in my trawling were two trailers for movies that will probably be better than Twilight. One of them was Little Ashes. At first, I thought, “Yay! RPattz is going to have movie boysex and wear a weird mustache and be generally nuts! That’ll drive away some fangirls!” Then I realized that no, it won’t. It’ll do two things as a result—it’ll attract slashers, for one, and they can sometimes be even crazier than Twifans. And then there’s the fact that fangirls are going to get to see RPattz. And he’s going to be…

…nude. Nekkid. In the buff. Bare. No clothes.

So…no. I doubt any fangirls are going to be put off in the slightest by this movie and that includes me.

The other trailer I saw was the Friday the 13th remake. Okay, with that one, I admit that maybe I’m being harsh with the statement “it will be better than Twilight.” Because, while I am interested in the remake, after watching this extended trailer? It looks to be nothing more than a copy of the remake of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. I swear, if this movie has a vagina gun, I will smack a bitch. And DAMMIT—this director is OBSESSED with cheap scares. While slashers are supposed to have a certain quota of cheap scares, they are not supposed to be nothing but cheap scare after cheap scare after cheap scare! They don’t have one every two seconds! He did that in the TCSM remake, and it looks like he’s doing it in the F13 remake, too. *sigh* Again, just basically TCSM in a different location with more teens and a different killer in a mask. Don’t do that. A lot of people love Jason Voorhees, and every movie in its series. Don’t make a movie that’s basically a rehash of your TCSM remake. Jason fought Freddy, not Leatherface, and he certainly didn’t rip him off.

And, finally, Catherine Hardwicke, director of Twilight just got fired. No New Moon for her.
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