So, after the Jasper incident, Carlisle patched up Bella nice and neat. Unfortunately, all was no longer happy in HappyLand. As it turns out, Edward is now punching himself repeatedly in the balls over what Jasper did. Way to go, Jasper. Between Edward’s long and extended and very drawn-out episodes of ball-punching, we see Bella take the word “doormat” to new levels of subservience, as she is blaming herself for everything that happened. Fortunately, we only have to endure two chapters of actually seeing Edward’s ball-punching before he tells Bella that he’s going to take his balls and his fists and leave to go…somewhere. He won’t tell us where. He’ll still be punching himself in said balls, but at least we won’t have to see it anymore. Wardo leaves, and Bella promptly shrivels up like a dried prune and goes the dead bug routine—rolls over on her back, curls her legs inward, and dies. Then the book goes blank. That’s not a joke. Meyer was obviously not inventive enough to find another way to show that a) four months pass, and b) Bella is nothing without her man.
Some day, my little catch-up summaries shall be short.
Onward and upward!
Chapter 4 – Waking Up
--Oh, yeah, Meyer. Good show. “Time passes.” That’s the sentence I see in a lot of bad movies that want to skip all that uninteresting “training” or “development”, because they are so anxious to get to their heroes kicking ass or are in that big of a hurry to get to the central plot. Unfortunately, I fail to see how this works for you, Meyer. Because Bella never kicks ass. Not once. She’s too busy being helpless and whining a lot. And the central plot of your stories never shows up until we’re about three-quarters of the way through them. So what’s your excuse, missy?
--“Charlie’s fist came down on the table.” Was it, perhaps, like the celestial fist of an angry god?
--Oh, GAD, I’m barely a paragraph into this chapter and I already wanna hurl this damned laptop across the room. How the hell—geez, I’m so tempted to just stop this review and turn this into a fully-fledged sporking, I am so serious about that. No, no, Mervin. Must save the sporking for the thrilling climax of this series…save it for Breaking Dawn.
--“"What did I do?" I felt my face crumple. It was so unfair. My behavior had been above reproach for the past four months.” Oh, yeah. I can really tell that, Bella. The way Charlie had apparently been talking to you this whole time, and you just sat there and cried tears in your
--“I made an effort to pay attention. It wasn't easy. I was so used to tuning everything out, my ears felt stopped up.” Oh yeah. Yeah, this is just great, Meyer. Thanks. You’re telling me that Bella has spent the last four months tuning everything and everyone out of her life, such is the depth of her mourning for her lost love. Here, Bella. *pulls out a straight razor, pen, and paper* Just do it. Remember—up the street and not across. Just save everyone involved a whole lot of trouble, okay? Nobody wants to listen to you whine. It’s very annoying.
--“"Trouble would be better than this… this moping around all the time!"
That stung a bit. I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included.
"I am not moping around."
"Wrong word," he grudgingly conceded. "Moping would be better—that would be doing something. You're just… lifeless, Bella. I think that's the word I want."” No, actually, I’d call that moping. That’s big time moping. Moping doesn’t have to be actively moaning and groaning. Basically, you had it right, Charlie. She’s moping. She’s been moping for four months. And it’s pissing me off. A LOT.
--“"I don't want you to apologize."” Don’t say that, Charlie! You should damned well be demanding an apology! She’s been an absolute bitch to everyone in town!
--“"Then tell me what you do want me to do."” Well, since you insist. *holds Bella upside down by one ankle and starts shaking her* I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING A PATHETIC, WHINGING LITTLE BRAT WHO SPENDS MONTHS ON END IN A STUPOR BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T GET HER WAY. I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING A DOORMAT WITH NO BACKBONE WHO CAN’T STAND UP ON HER OWN WITHOUT THE AID OF “HER MAN”. I WANT YOU TO GROW UP OUT OF THIS ANGSTY TEENAGER PHASE AND TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO STOP CUTTING YOURSELF WHILE LISTENING TO LINKIN PARK AND MUSE AND THINK ABOUT HOW INCREDIBLY STUPID YOU’RE BEING. I WANT YOU TO WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT NOBODY’S, AND I MEAN NOBODY’S LIFE REVOLVES AROUND JUST ONE PERSON TO THE POINT THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE UP YOUR IDENTITY, AMBITIONS, AND SOUL BECAUSE HE TELLS YOU TO. MOST OF ALL, I WANT YOU TO DIE. LIKE, NOW. IMMEDIATELY. I’LL EVEN ASSIST YOU. AND IT SHOULDN’T BE HARD—AFTER ALL, LIFE IS NOTHING NOW THAT YOU DON’T HAVE EDWARD, RIGHT? JUST THINK OF IT THIS WAY—I’M DOING YOU AND A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE A GREAT FAVOR.
--Here is Charlie, pouring his heart out to Bella, telling her that he pretty much knows what she’s going through, can relate to losing someone you love—and I think he had it worse, because he not only lost his wife (that he still loves, as was established in Twilight), but she took his only daughter with her—he’s becoming that pretty neat guy I knew back in Twilight, only this time, he’s cranking up the awesome somewhat and trying to be a responsible, caring parent, and what is Bella doing? Pretty much ignoring him in favor of pouting in her cereal. GOD, I hate her!!! With the fury of ten-thousand burning suns!!!
--*bares teeth* And yet again, Charlie says something that is both true and awesome. YOU NEED TO STOP WAITING FOR WARDO. You need to get up, move on, and DO something with yourself. Charlie probably went through a similar period when his wife left him with their daughter. But you know what? Here he is, with a job—a good job, and a house, and friends, hobbies, and the respect of the townspeople. He’s as happy as he can be. And no, Renee never came back. HE MOVED ON. And what is Bella’s response to this statement? An epic flounce, complete with, “And I’m NOT coming home tonight! That’ll teach you!” I’m so on the verge of writing a Bella death-fic, and I don’t mean no Death Baby.
--Oooooo, Calculus. Doesn’t that make you such a smart thing! Bite me.
--“I didn't mind communism; it was a welcome change from the exhausting romances that made up most of the curriculum.” I have never really heard of an English curriculum that involves a lot of romances. There’s Romeo and Juliet, of course, then there’s…umm…well, we were told to read The Bean Trees in our spare time, that had a little romance…uh…*scratches head*…I’m…drawing a blank, here. Oh, wait—Meyer was providing Bella with more shit to angst over. My mistake.
--“It had been weeks, maybe months, since Jess had even greeted me when I passed her in the hall. I knew I had offended her with my antisocial behavior, and she was sulking.” *stares* Oh yes, Bella. How dare Jessica be offended by the fact that you all of the sudden just clammed up and started treating everyone around you like utter dogshit? How dare she not understand your PAIN, your SUFFERING, your UTTER HOPELESSNESS? Bella, I am gonna saw off the top of your head, scoop out what little brains I can find, throw them against the wall, and then eat my cereal out of your skull.
--You think mere social interaction is going to make him happy? Didn’t he just say that that wasn’t going to cut the muster with him, because he’d know you were pretty much just faking it?! Were you not listening again?! No, you probably weren’t—too busy wallowing in your own filth and misery to hear anybody else!
--“The words sounded stiff, like badly delivered lines…” That’s because they are stiff, and they are badly delivered lines.
--“"You're the first person I think of when I want girl time." I smiled, and I hoped the smile looked genuine. It was probably true. She was at least the first person I thought of when I wanted to avoid Charlie. It amounted to the same thing.” Bella Swan has no friends. She doesn’t. She merely has people she uses to get what she wants. Guess Meyer figured she was getting swamped by all the Airhead similarities, and decided to throw in some more Rose Potter, because she figured we missed it.
--“I knew from experience that once I got Jessica talking, I would be able to get away with a few mumbled responses at the appropriate moments. Only minimal interaction would be required.” Yep. With an attitude like that, she’s definitely going to be able to fool Charlie into thinking she went out and had a good time.
--“My eyes did not stray toward the black garbage bag that held my present from that last birthday, did not see the shape of the stereo where it strained against the black plastic; I didn't think of the bloody mess my nails had been when I'd finished clawing it out of the dashboard.” Why, Wardo! I’m surprised at you! You said it would be like you’d never existed, and yet you left the stereo there so Bella would have to ruin her nails?! How unchivalrous of you.
--“The movie was playing early, so Jess thought we should hit the twilight showing and eat later.” Har-de-har-har, i c wut u did thar.
--“I was happy to go along with whatever she wanted; after all, I was getting what I wanted—Charlie off my back.” Bella, how stupid do you think Charlie is? Seriously. If he falls for this line of bullshit when she gets back…
--All right. This whole “anything romantic sends Bella into Wardo-induced seizures and convulsions” thing is getting very annoying.
--“It wasn't until almost the very end, as I watched a haggard zombie shambling after the last shrieking survivor, that I realized what the problem was. The scene kept cutting between the horrified face of the heroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and forth as it closed the distance.
And I realized which one resembled me the most.” Uh…uhm…well! Kudos to Meyer, I guess? I have never seen somebody have an epiphany about their lives while watching a zombie movie. Never mind how stupid that is—it’s still a…unique…experience.
--“It was depressing to realize that I wasn't the heroine anymore, that my story was over.” I really have nothing to say to that. Really—nothing I could say could possibly add to that. It stands alone.
--“I nodded as she gushed over his hotness…” Bella. I have put up with a lot of SHIT from you. Oh, yes, I have. While reading these books, I feel like you are basically telling me to bend over and take it like a bitch. And I have. I have read these things, I even contributed some money to you. I gave you $5.50 in the form of a theater ticket. But if you talk condescendingly about somebody gushing over another person’s supposed hotness, I will kill you. No. Don’t even think I won’t. I WILL kill you.
--“I paused without thinking, looking back at the four men with a strong sense of déjà vu. This was a different road, a different night, but the scene was so much the same. One of them was even short and dark. As I stopped and turned toward them, that one looked up in interest.
I stared back at him, frozen on the sidewalk.” Meyer, if you have Bella do what I think you’re gonna have her do…oh, the carnage will be great. You do not wanna know what I’m gonna do to Bella if you write what I think you’re about to write. No, don’t look at me like that. I am dead serious. You have her do what I think you’re gonna do, I’m gonna pause this review right now, and write a nice little interlude that features me TEARING YOUR SI TO PIECES.
--She is doing it. She is, without a doubt, doing it. She is in a dark alleyway, walking towards four strangers, and thinking about what happened the last time she was in a dark alleyway in Port Angeles and encountered four strangers. SHE. IS. DOING IT. Bella, you have one last chance to back out of this before I do something ugly to you that’ll make you wish you were with those four.
--She did it. Do you know what she did, folks? I’ll tell you what she did. She went wandering towards some obviously nasty looking men, trying to recreate the scenario in Port Angeles where she nearly got raped and murdered, in the hopes that Edward would swoop in and rescue her. She somehow imagines his voice in her head then, and he tells her to get away from them. Only then does she even consider not letting herself get raped. Then, when she finds out that they aren’t dangerous, loses interest in them and walks away. You read that correctly.
You all get one warning. I am about to open up a can of death and suffering upon Bella’s posterior. In it, I am going to swear, and I am going to perform unspeakable acts of violence. I am, as I said I would, taking a break from the review to let off all the steam that’s been building up since I first started reading this dreck. There is your warning. Just scroll past the big all-caps now if you don’t want to see that sort of thing. ‘Kay? ‘Kay.
*begins punching Bella repeatedly in the face* YOU DID WHAT, BITCH???!!!! YOU DID WHAT???!!!! *tears chunks of Bella’s hair out before grabbing a handful and throwing her into a wall* YOU DECIDED TO PULL THIS FUCKING STUNT IN THE HOPES THAT YOUR TWU WUB WOULD COME RIDING IN ON A WHITE HORSE AND RESCUE YOU FROM THE EVIL RAPISTS, HUH???!!!! *starts punching her kidneys* YOU THINK IT’S PERFECTLY REASONABLE TO GO OUT AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE POTENTIALLY RAPED AND MURDERED, BECAUSE EVEN IF YOUR PRECIOUS WHITE KNIGHT DOESN’T COME RIDING TO YOUR RESCUE, LIFE DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY????!!!!! *throws her on the floor and starts stomping her hands* DID YOU THINK THIS WAS ROMANTIC???!!!! DID YOU THINK THIS WAS GOOD???!!!! *rolls Bella over and starts choking a bitch* YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING FOR THE “DAMSEL IN DISTRESS” ANGLE, YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT???!!!! IS THAT IT???!!!! WELL, HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, FUCK-FACE, BUT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS DOES NOT WALK WILLINGLY AND HOPEFULLY INTO A BAD SITUATION!!!!!! *starts smashing some kneecaps* A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS DOES INDEED HOPE HER HERO WILL COME RESCUE HER, BUT SHE DOESN’T GET INTO BAD SITUATIONS ON PURPOSE BECAUSE SHE HOPES HER MAN WILL RESCUE HER!!!!! *grabs Bella’s tits and twists and tears until they bleed* FEMALE EMPOWERMENT!!!! EVER HEARD OF IT????!!!!! IT’S WHAT I’M DOIN’ RIGHT NOW, WANKSTAIN!!!!! I AIN’T PUTTING UP WITH YOUR PISS-ALL “DAMSEL IN DISTRESS” BULLSHIT!!!! THIS IS WHAT WOMEN CAN DO WHEN PROVOKED!!!!! *more face-punching* YOU ARE A DISGRACE!!!! YOU ARE A SHITSTAIN ON THE UNDERWEAR OF THE WORLD!!!! YOU HEAR ME, YOU PIECE OF ROTTING FECAL MATTER???!!!! *grinds Bella’s face in the dirt* EAT IT, YOU WHORE!!!!! EAT IT!!!! EAT WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!!!! YOU USELESS COCKWART!!!!! *pulls out the knife for the coup de grace* HOW THE FUCKING HELL WAS EDWARD SUPPOSED TO EVEN KNOW YOU WERE TRYING TO FUCK YOURSELF UP LIKE THAT???!!!! HE’S IN FUCKING ALASKA FOR ALL YOU KNOW!!!!!! HE COULD BE IN SIBERIA!!!!!! WHAT, DO YOU THINK HE’S GOING TO MAGICALLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING????!!!!! *starts stabbing randomly* AND THEN, OF COURSE, YOU ONLY STOP TRYING TO GET YOURSELF RAPED AND MURDERED ONCE EDWARD, OR WHATEVER MANIFESTATION OF EDWARD’S VOICE YOU IMAGINED TOLD YOU TO!!!!! *stabs Bella’s eyes out* YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF FLESH!!!!!! *starts ripping out guts* GO BURN IN HELL, WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!!! *does not stop until Bella’s eviscerated and torn-apart body is burning just like James’s did in the movie*
For those of you who skipped the rant…
That made me very angry. I was not happy. I know how Harmonians always talk about Ron/Hermione is taking feminism back so many years, as an effort to prove their ship is infinitely superior, and how aggravated I get when I hear that argument, but…I’m afraid I’m going to have to utter the same phrase, in reference to this book. Meyer is taking feminism back to the friggin’ Stone Age. This is not “damsel in distress” mentality. I don’t know what mentality this is. But Charlie was definitely right—Bella needs psychiatric help. When she deliberately tries to get herself raped, in the hopes that her ex-boyfriend will miraculously come to her rescue and she’ll get to see him again, and then starts suddenly hearing his voice in her head? Yeah. Bella needs help. A LOT of serious, serious therapy.
--“ This was wish fulfillment—a momentary relief from pain by embracing the incorrect idea that he cared whether I lived or died.” *pinches bridge of her nose* Bella…I am pissed off enough already. Did you not see what happened up there? Seriously—you are asking for another one with comments like that.
--I’m probably supposed to really not like Jessica in this scene, and totally be on Bella’s side, but I’m not in the slightest. Really, if one of my friends started wandering aimlessly towards a bunch of men hanging around outside of a sleazy bar? I’d be pretty fucking pissed off. Not to mention that, by her calling attention to herself, she was also calling attention to me, thus endangering my life as well. And then, of course, Bella has to tell us all about how she automatically forgets about Jessica and her anger. Because, hey! Bella doesn’t feel that she did anything stupid. *sighs* Meyer, I don’t want to have to do two of those rants in one chapter, okay? Or even one installment.
--“ It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.” *wryly* Call me whenever you’re done being purple and emo. Man, you usually reserve this level of purpleness for when you’re mooning over Edward’s beauty. Guess that, now that you don’t have said beauty to moon over anymore, you had to find an outlet for it somewhere.
--“ Whatever it was that had happened tonight—and whether it was the zombies, the adrenaline, or the hallucinations that were responsible—it had woken me up.” Yeah. You’ve woken up. Sure you have. I’ll believe that when I see you grow a spine, and do something that DOESN’T somehow relate to you wanting to see Edward again. I’ll believe you’ve woken up after you go an entire chapter without mentioning either Edward or how empty you are without Edward. I’ll believe you’ve woken up after you realize that Jessica had every right to be angry with you. And you know what? I know for a fact that she doesn’t do any of those things, and in fact keeps doing dangerous and stupid stuff just so she’ll keep hallucinating or imagining Edward’s voice in her head. You haven’t woken up in the slightest. I feel I must quote one of the greats here. Meyer, don’t you piss down my back and tell me it’s rainin’.
Okay, I know I usually make at least two chapters before throwing in the towel and calling it a day, but, if you read all that, you know why I’m taking a break.
And here I’d thought chapters two and three were sending bad messages to kids…
Lemme see if I am understanding your general message right now, Meyer. Ahem.
1. If a man looks in your window at night, sneaks into your room and watches you sleep, and obsesses over your every move, that means he is in love with you.
2. If you truly love your man, you will do whatever he says.
3. If your man in any capacity leaves you, no matter what the reason, you are absolutely nothing without him.
4. A valid way to try and get your man back in some way is to put yourself in grave danger, because there is a big possibility that he will come and rescue you in one form or another.
Did I nail it?
Don’t deny it, Meyer. You know I did.
This also truly and utterly displays the level of selfishness that Bella is capable of. As Hyde tells me in the unfinished novel Midnight Sun, Edward is constantly going on about how noble and selfless Bella is, and how she always puts others before herself. And, as usual, Meyer is busy telling us one thing, and showing us another. Because here? It is not just a total disregard for her own safety, no. She was with another girl, who was doing her best to not be noticed by those men, as there was a chance they could harass them. And Bella immediately drew their attention to them both, all because she was hoping to see Edward again. And, obviously, the reason was totally selfish—it wasn’t about Jessica, it wasn’t about Edward, it wasn’t about anybody or anything but what Bella wanted. She didn’t just risk her own life—she risked Jessica’s, and then flippantly disregarded the girl when she displayed anger over the situation. I’m willing to bet that nothing becomes of this, and we are supposed to spend the majority of the book thinking Jessica is somehow a bitch, and that she should be more sympathetic to Bella’s plight, because doesn’t she understand that she doesn’t have her man to cleave to anymore? Well, personally, I find Jessica to be more of a character than Bella is. Jessica really liked Mike Newton. They dated for a while, and then Mike Newton broke up with her. Jessica moped for a little bit, and then started dating again. She moved on from Mike—she is making an effort, because she understands that Mike is not interested in her.
Then there’s Bella. Who spends four solid months doing nothing but stare off into space and wish her true love was back, and then, if I’m to understand this book correctly, spends the rest of the time without her true love trying to find ways to best put her life in danger so she can somehow hear his voice in her head.
Bella is not right in the head. Of that, I am certain. I reiterate—Charlie was very right. Bella needs to see a psychiatrist. She needs help. Or in the very least a serious beating.
Stinger: “"What did I do?" I felt my face crumple. It was so unfair. My behavior had been above reproach for the past four months.”
( Chapter 5 - Cheater )
…oh, God. I don’t…have anything to say after that. My apologies if my violence offended you in any way, thought I’m not sure why it would—I know you guys hate Bella, and that violence was pretty tame, considering what I wanted to do.