Seventeen-year-old nobody and whiny bitch Isabella “Bella” Swan moved from awesomesauce Phoenix, Arizona to awesomenot Forks, Washington to live with her father after her flighty mother remarried. As it turns out, the sun never shines in Forks, which makes the residents basically insular mole people who spend most of their time being fascinated and obsessed by the new Coke bottle that is Bella Swan. All the girls are jealous of her, and all the boys want to date her. Well, all save one—the mostest awesomest beautifulest one, Edward “Wardo” Cullen. Bella can’t get enough of him the instant she sets eyes on him. Unfortunately, Wardo shits a brick the first time he
Finally, 318 pages in and after formally introducing the rest our main players—Carlisle, the compassionate doctor! Esme, the passive wife! Alice, the spunky soothsayer! Jasper, the walking Zoloft! Emmett, the bear-wrestling jock! Rosalie, the jealous bitch!—their game of vampire baseball is rudely interrupted by a weak plot in the form of James the Evil Vampire. James the Evil Vampire decides to hunt Bella for…no reason. She smells good? I don’t know. But I suspect that it was due to Meyer suddenly realizing she needed something bad to happen. Wardo flies into a rage, Alice and Jasper take Bella to Phoenix to hide her, but James the Evil Vampire follows them instead of who he was supposed to follow. This leads James the Evil Vampire to trying to con Bella into walking willingly into his open arms by pretending he is holding her mother hostage. Fortunately for him, Bella is an idiot and she does just that.
Once James the Evil Vampire has her, he totally whales on her, twirling his mustache and cackling maniacally the whole time. Bella passes out and completely cops out of giving us a vampire showdown. When she finally wakes up, everything is all hunky-dory and Wardo tells her they kicked James the Evil Vampire’s ass. I personally don’t believe him—not gonna believe what I don’t see. Anyhoo, with James the Evil Vampire dead, that means we can forget all about that unpleasant nonsense and go to prom! We end with Bella begging Wardo to change her into a vampire because ZOMG she is SEVENTEEN she is going to be SOOOO OOOOOLD soon! Wardo refuses, because, hey, we’ve got three more books to do.
Oh, yeah, there was also some vamp broad named Victoria who was running with James the Evil Vampire, along with a dude vamp named Laurent. But I’m pretty sure they won’t be important later. Nosireebob.
Snuggled in between my review of the first book and my review of the second book is a movie called Twilight. You may have heard of it. Anyway, said movie was considerably better than the source material. However, as Charles Portis told us, you’ve done nothing when you have bested a fool, so don’t go patting the screenwriters’ backs too hard. They also greenlit for production the next one in the series—this one, New Moon. And from what Hyde tells me, while Breaking Dawn may be the most mind-bendingly bad in terms of sheer WTF-ery, with regards to complete and utter CRAP, New Moon takes the cake. Considering Twilight is considered the best, I personally fear for my life.
Well, down we go. Once more into that black abyss.
--Hmm. So, we begin this book with a quote from none other than Romeo and Juliet. So, rocks fall and everybody dies? Sweet action! Unfortunately, that also means I’m going to have to put up with stupid and whiny characters I don’t like for five acts before the whole rocks falling thing pays off.
--Okay, we are one paragraph into the damn book, and I’m already royally pissed off! I am sorry to say that I know what goes down in this book. I wish I didn’t—you know, makes it a “pleasant” surprise. However, as I do know what happens—GODDAMMIT, SEEING INTO THE FUTURE IS ALICE’S POWER!!! AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO DO IT SYMBOLICALLY!!! How come Bella keeps having dreams like this?! It’s driving me up the wall!!! She is frickin’ AIRHEAD!!! She had the exact same dreams, with no explanation, either! I assume we aren’t gonna get one here. DAMMIT!!!
--Oh, wait. No, that wasn’t a dream. That’s just her telling us the drama early so we have something to look forward to. Or not.
Chapter 1 – Party
--“The skin was soft and withered, bent into a thousand tiny creases that clung gently to the bone underneath. Like a dried apricot, but with a puff of thick white hair standing out in a cloud around it.” Geez, she describes her grandmother like she’s a mummy in Smithsonian! Not even my great-grandmother looked like a dried apricot!
--“Our mouths—hers a wizened pucker—spread into the same surprised half-smile at just the same time.” Okay, I get it—your granny is a dried apple head. You can stop describing her and all her prune-y glory.
--Oh, good. Thanks. Third page, and you introduce Wardo. Yeah, I missed him. That is exactly what I wanted to see. Especially this late at night. When I don’t have any booze. That’s great.
--He may have an angel’s smile, but only Movie!Wardo has angel’s wings! Ha ha!
--No. She is not. She is not. Please, tell me that she is not. She can’t do that to me. I refuse to acknowledge it.
--“With a dizzying jolt, my dream abruptly became a nightmare.
There was no Gran.
That was me. Me in a mirror. Me—ancient, creased, and withered.
Edward stood beside me, casting no reflection, excruciatingly lovely and forever seventeen.
He pressed his icy, perfect lips against my wasted cheek.” Okay. I’ll be honest, folks. I did a double facepalm, here. And I was webcamming with Hyde—she saw it, she can vouch. I did it. And I almost closed the book right there, right then, and stopped reading forever. Because that is awful. That is hideous. I mean…geez. Oh, yes, Bella, you are rapidly approaching *gasp* EIGHTEEN!!! My God, what will you do? You’ll have to get Botox at that rate. Face lifts! No, they won’t do you any good—because you will be OLD!!! Your bones will be brittle, and you’ll look like a weathered tarp!! I mean, just look at me! I’m 23, going on 95! Hyde’s already dead! She just doesn’t know it yet! She’s like an old crone, stirring a cauldron. Bitch.
--“All through the perfect summer—the happiest summer I had ever had, the happiest summer anyone anywhere had ever had, and the rainiest summer in the history of the Olympic Peninsula—this bleak date had lurked in ambush, waiting to spring.” My Lord, it’s AIRHEAD!! “She’s the happiest she’s ever been! Whee!” Eat me.
--“I stared at myself, looking for some sign of impending wrinkles in my ivory skin.” *splutters* She—she—she looked for wrinkles!!!! YOU ARE EIGHTEEN!!!! YOU DON’T GET WRINKLES, UNLESS YOU HAVE A DISEASE!!!! YOU ARE THE MOST SHALLOW LITTLE BINT I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!! I AM NOT EVEN JOKING!!! Look at this! I’m barely into chapter one and I’ve already capslocked! And that’s even with my ignoring her describing her own skin as “ivory”!
--There are no words at all that can express my true, complete, absolute, unadulterated, undiluted disgust for Bella right now. She is about to burst into tears at the mere THOUGHT of getting OMG old. You know, that thing that people do. That thing that my grandparents are. And all this AT AGE EIGHTEEN. Here, Bella. Here is a gun. I am so pissed off right now that I am going to forgo the bullets and simply pound it into your forehead. And then, you will never grow old! You will say eighteen forever! Yay! Just as you wanted! And think of it this way—then in the ensuing mayhem and gore, Wardo will lose control and drink your blood, and you’ll be a part of him forever! So it all works out!
--“Edward leaning motionlessly against his polished silver Volvo, like a marble tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty.” Pagan god, hmm? Cthulu, perhaps? Because I know for a fact that if you keep up this constant stream of nasty dirty thoughts about Wardo’s body, I will end you.
--I do not understand Alice’s abilities. I really don’t. So far, they have only been used for exposition and humor. What are her limits? What does she “see”? Does she have to focus on somebody/something? Do they actually do anything useful that isn’t totally contrived? Throw me a bone, here.
--“"Yes. That is correct." I could never quite mimic the flow of his perfect, formal articulation. It was something that could only be picked up in an earlier century.” But he doesn’t TALK like somebody from the 1900s. You may say that, but he sure doesn’t!
--“Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella.” So, business as usual, then? Well, now I understand Bella’s worry. It’s apparently her birthday every day. Yeah, she’s getting old, and fast.
--“"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"
"It's older than Edward," I mumbled.” Hmm…Miss Bella Swan? Yes, I am so glad you are here. You are just in time, too. Not late at all to your appointment. Yes, your appointment—didn’t you know that your ass and my boot have an appointment? No? WELL, LET ME REFRESH YOUR MEMORY!!!!
--“I couldn't really see Edward's point, to be honest. What was so great about mortality?” ‘Scuse me for a moment. I must really destroy Tokyo. I didn’t do it the whole last book. I guess that explains why I’m doing it this early in the second one. I have a lot repressed anger. Pardon me for a moment while I nip out west. *DESTROYS TOKYO FOR GREAT JUSTICE—returns* Now. Bella? The reason you can’t see Edward’s point of view is because he has no point of view. No, I am not referring to the fact that he has no personality. I am referring to the fact that nobody else matters to you but you. That means that the old adage of “you never know what you had until you lost it” never enters your mind because you are too busy think of *gasp* you!
--“Being a vampire didn't look like such a terrible thing—not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.” Yeah. That whole part where Edward started calculating how many necks he’d have to snap in order to get away with drinking your blood with no witnesses? That was fun. I wanna be that when I grow up. Well, after I become a world famous serial killer.
--“"Oh, be fair, Bella!" she complained. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"” Once again, still not sure I like Alice. I know everybody thinks she is awesomecakes, but she is clearly planning this party kind of for herself. Because she likes throwing parties. And because it gives Bella a chance to whine, I am afraid I must hold that against her.
--Wait—Bella got a job? When did that happen?
--Well, while I can understand somebody not wanting a party or people to go through a lot of trouble for them—my dad is like that—I’ve seen no evidence thus far that that is the way Bella is. She loves hanging with the Cullens, for one, and as much as she bemoans her fate as the center of attention, you can tell she loves it—otherwise, Meyer wouldn’t have written it that way.
--“As the day progressed, I considered ways to get out of whatever was going down at the Cullen house tonight. It would be bad enough to have to celebrate when I was in the mood to mourn.” ‘Kay. Totally not on Bella’s side anymore. “Oh, I don’t want to be around those people, who are going to shower me with gifts and wonderful things and are spending all this time and money and effort for me—I wanna go sit in my room and cry and whine and feel immensely sorry for myself because ZOMG I am EIGHTEEN and therefore SOOOOO past my prime!!!” And now she’s gonna go sit in a corner and slit her wrists. Don’t bother her, Alice—she is putting on her eyeliner! And Edward, you can’t drink coffee anymore, so you don’t UNDERSTAND!!!
--“Attention is never a good thing, as any other accident-prone klutz would agree. No one wants a spotlight when they're likely to fall on their face.” I love how Meyer has Bella hating all the attention she receives. Well, guess what, Meyer? I know Bella’s your self-insert, so therefore I know she’s loving every minute of this. She’s just not telling us—but it shows. But that aside where would we be without Bella’s ADORABLE clumsiness? Her clumsiness is about as adorable and funny as, say, Jar Jar Binks’s. Oh yes—he and his clumsiness were received so well by adoring Star Wars fans, weren’t they? They just LOVED him.
--“College was Plan B. I was still hoping for Plan A, but Edward was just so stubborn about leaving me human…” You know, I knew this was going to be bad, but I didn’t expect the bad to start so SOON! I mean, maybe it’s just because college is a pretty serious thing in my family, but that—wait… *reads ahead*
--“ Edward had a lot of money—I didn't even want to think about how much. Money meant next to nothing to Edward or the rest of the Cullens. It was just something that accumulated when you had unlimited time on your hands and a sister who had an uncanny ability to predict trends in the stock market.” …ah. Now I understand. It actually makes perfect sense. I’m sure you are all wondering why I am not furious. Well, it’s simple—Bella is going to get a degree one way or another. Her primary degree being a good old M.R.S. That is what she is aiming for. College is Plan B because she’s already found herself a man—and she doesn’t need to go to college, because, hey—her man can support her! I know she insisted that she doesn’t like him spending money on her, and all that nonsense, but, dude, she totally contradicts herself with all her nonsense about being with him forever. It is quite clear that college is far down on the list because being turned into a vampire and living forever on Edward’s constant flow of money money money is her true goal. So, while I can be disgusted at her total lack of ambition prior to falling in love with Wardo, her lack of ambition afterwards really doesn’t seem too out of character—in fact, one could almost argue that she’s suddenly developed a pretty driving ambition—getting vamped/sexed up—and she’s going to whine until she gets it.
--“Edward thought I was being unnecessarily difficult.” Augh. Damn. It’s the good old, “You’re being difficult, Bella—bow down before me.” I missed that. *sticks a gun in her mouth*
--Well, goodbye, incidental characters. Bella has mentioned you—I’m pretty sure that’s…all you’re going to get.
--“Edward and Alice didn't find this minor ostracism odd or hurtful the way I would have. They barely noticed it. People always felt strangely ill at ease with the Cullens, almost afraid for some reason they couldn't explain to themselves.” Okay, first off, I’ll address that second part. NO, THEY DON’T FEEL ILL AT EASE WITH THE CULLENS. It’s been established already that everybody in school lusts after them—after Edward, at least! There is no evidence of everybody feeling ill at ease with them! And I for one won’t believe that until you show us! So shut up about it! And the second part? Bella, I’d like to point out that, according to what Meyer tells us, ostracism is what you have to look forward to once Edward changes you. And yet, you wanna be a vampire—even though you tell us that people avoiding you is oh-so hurtful to your precious little soul. Do you even have a BRAIN STEM? Did it not connect to your cerebellum and cerebrum when you were in utero?
--“I frowned. I didn't like it when he picked on my truck. The truck was great—it had personality.” Ah, it’s barely chapter one of this book, and Meyer is already revving up that awesome use of irony! Let’s give her a hand!
--“I was hardly ever bad-tempered with Edward, and my tone made him press his lips together to keep from smiling.” Oh. Thanks, Wardo. I had just forgotten how you think that women and their silly little tantrums are just oh-so-funny. Do you know how difficult it is to bring out the feminist in me, Meyer? No? Well, it’s hard. And yet you’re succeeding.
--I totally prefer the violent throwing down on the bed with premarital underpants to all this chaste Mormon kissing. I like a good, violent, realistic make-out scene. And don’t look at me like that—we all know that this series is chock-full of Mormons propaganda. And is it wrong that I want them to make Breaking Dawn into a movie strictly because I hope they’ll give into the adage of “sex sells” and say, “Screw your Mormon ass, Meyer! We’re not gonna be dicks and totally build up our audience for a sex scene and then not give it to them!” and add in a nice steamy sex scene between Edward and Bella after they’re married? Because I wanna see pillow nomming. And rough missionary sex.
--You just had to throw in that “and perfect” to Wardo’s description, didn’t you? Bitch.
--The insertion of Romeo and Juliet irritates me. Yeah, Meyer, look at you, you know Shakespeare (at least, you think you do; I have it on Hyde’s reliable information that yeah, you totally don’t), and therefore had your little SI know Shakespeare and just love the story of Romeo and Juliet so much that she’s got it practically memorized. Except I read that in my freshman year, everybody at my high school read that in their freshman year, including the non-AP classes, and here is Bella, looking at it in her senior year—saving the most basic of Shakespeare’s dramas for senior English. Call me when she starts discussing the finer points of Hunter S. Thompson, or perhaps the works of Chaucer—in original Middle English, of course. Only way to read it. In conclusion—Meyer, in your effort to “cleverly” allude to Romeo and Juliet and compare your story to it, you failed to impress me at all. Oh, and might I be crude for a moment to say that Shakespeare wouldn’t use the pages of your book to wipe his butt after a particularly bad bout of diarrhea, and I don’t say that just because toilet paper hadn’t been invented yet? By God, yes I MAY. Don’t let me catch you comparing your works to Shakespeare again. Hell, I don’t even LIKE Romeo and Juliet (I’ve always loved his comedies more, as I like more upbeat stories—and stop looking at me like that), but I acknowledge that his writing is BEYOND mere light years ahead of yours.
--“Romeo was one of my favorite fictional characters. Until I'd met Edward, I'd sort of had a thing for him.” Yes. Because once you meet the guy you fall in love with, you may not have a thing for any fictional character or movie star. Ever. I mean, you can’t. It’s impossible. How right you are, Meyer. Pay no attention to that Wardo behind the apple. Oh, and Bella? I am not surprised you found Romeo so appealing. He was a total bonehead—a fickle, hot-headed little idiot who didn’t get spanked enough as a child and who helped make suicide look frackin’ romantic. And, given that I know what goes on in this story, as unfortunate as that is? Yeah. I seriously see the appeal.
--“"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," Edward said, drying the tears with a lock of my hair.” Awkwardly worded. Made it sound like he was drying his own tears.
--Okay, there is so much wrong with this conversation that Bella and Wardo are having regarding suicide if one or the other dies that I don’t even know where to start. I’ll start with the fact that this is obviously a huge exposition info dump to catch us up from the last book. There are easier ways to catch us up to date on what happened in the last episode, you know. And yes, before you say it, it bothered me when JKR did the whole “catching you up-to-date before we go into the story” thing in Harry Potter, too, so I am not playing favorites or picking on Meyer. Next, we’ll all roll our eyes massively as Bella goes off on a selfish tangent again—ZOMG, Edders thought about killing himself?! NO!! THAT MEANS I WOULDN’T HAVE HIM ANYMORE!!!! Which nicely leads into her missing the point of what Edward is saying. Bella…do you not understand that he misses being able to die? It’s an underlying current to nearly all heroic vampire stories. He is immortal, and can’t even sleep to shut out the world for a few hours (man, that was such an awesome chance for serious vampire angst that Meyer pissed down her leg). He is implying that he misses being human. But you, as a pathetic whinging little brat, can’t comprehend that, because you are that anxious to get vamped, which would be an excellent metaphor for you getting into Edward’s pants. Yeah, Meyer, I know what you’re doing.
--Oh, look—the Volturi. That is a dumb name, so I will be referring to them as the Catholics from here on out, and don’t you all disagree with me. Hyde’s read it, Hyde’s told me about them and the words she uses to describe them—they’re the goddamned
--I am totally calling Bella a bitch on this one. Because she’s going off on Edward for daring to consider killing himself should Bella die (wasn’t Meyer’s discussion of Romeo and Juliet a nice and subtle allusion? Oh, it wasn’t? Yeah, I didn’t think so, either. It’s about as subtle as a Taco Bell bean burrito fart in a library amphitheater). And I know what she does when Edward goes off to beat his breast over the fact that he’s just too dangerous to be around Bella. So—total bitch. Bitchface.
--*very angry* Thanks, Meyer. I appreciate you turning Charlie into a flat, sports-watching piece of wet cardboard. I really appreciate you taking a character you’d previously established as a man who loved his daughter and was trying his best to raise her and had begun spending more time with her and who I honestly liked, and then turning him into the sort of man who would put the game ahead of his daughter’s birthday just so you can take your little SI off to frolic with the sparklepires without having to worry about having her parent around to be a wet blanket. I just love radical character changes. They make me all tingly in my privates.
--“Charlie would be forever grateful to her for saving him from the horror of an almost-adult daughter who needed help showering.” Sooooo…the movie gave us boy slash, and this book gave us femslash? Nice.
--Meyer copped out again. It was established at the end of Twilight that Charlie didn’t trust Edward anymore after that nasty business in Phoenix. But now he’s perfectly okay with Edward taking her hither and yon. Meyer, would it KILL YOU to SHOW things every once in a while?!
--And YET AGAIN, Edward says “don’t be difficult” when she’s not doing what he wants her to. GODDAMMIT. If I ever get a boyfriend who tells me not to be difficult, he’s gonna wind up with a mouthful of blood.
--“"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," he vowed.
"That's not fair!"” *summons David Bowie and his eighties hair of great justice* I STRIKE YOU DOWN IN THE NAME OF THE OH-SO-HOT GOBLIN KING!!!!
--You know, Meyer, I know what you were going for when it came to Bella being all pissy about the elaborate party. I do. Because, if this were done right, I’d be able to relate on a certain level. For instance? I can’t stand it when my friends take me out to a restaurant for dinner and then get the waiters to sing to me. It’s embarrassing. People look at me. And if we’re eating Mexican food, I have to wear a sombrero. Yeah—I hate that. However, in this case? I do not get that vibe at all. The only vibe I get is complete and utter ingratitude on Bella’s part.
--…the party is pink. The color…it burnses us…
--“Jasper had more trouble sticking to the Cullens' diet than the rest of them; the scent of human blood was much harder for him to resist than the others—he hadn't been trying as long.” *rolls eyes* OH, GEE, AUDIENCE. I WONDER IF THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER? I MEAN, THE WAY SHE SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED HUMAN BLOOD, NOT JUST HUMAN SCENT—OH, WHAT AM I SAYING. THERE IS NO WAY SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. MEYER’S HINTS ARE TOO SUBTLE FOR ME. As much as I hate to compare the two, I simply must bring up Harry Potter. Meyer, you’d do well to take a note out of Rowling’s book—that is, noticing how she did not say, “Quirrell wore a turban on his head, but it was most assuredly NOT because he was possessed by Voldemort and that he had the annoying tendency of popping out of the back of his head. Don’t you little sonsofbitches even think that. Now onto our story.” Once again, Meyer proves herself as a fine admirer of Airhead and her patented dead herrings. Because I definitely recall Year Two’s major plot point. “Oh, look! A rat! A rat that is most assuredly NOT Scabbers! That makes it perfectly okay for me to tell it my life story and all my problems that will give Lord Voldemort leverage over me and give him the information he needs to set up some plan to get me out of Hogwarts! *tells life story*” Ahem.
--“"Shoot," I muttered when the paper sliced my finger; I pulled it out to examine the damage. A single drop of blood oozed from the tiny cut.” First—such language, Bella. What would Joseph Smith think? Second—I have never, ever, not once, had a paper cut that oozed a single drop of blood. The only way I could get a paper cut to even turn red at all was to squeeze it, which I see no evidence of you doing. So, obviously, Alice has wrapped the presents in razor wire. Good call, Alice.
--And speaking of Alice—she can predict James the Evil Vampire’s every move, she can predict who is going to fall in love with who, she can predict sports outcomes, she can predict the stock market, but she can’t predict Jasper going total apeshit? And don’t give me any bull about no decisions being made and spontaneity. Alice made a choice to hand Bella that present, and Jasper made the choice to move closer to get a look. There was plenty for her to see. Meyer? Do you wish to explain yourself? You don’t? Well, don’t expect me to take you seriously. Not that I ever did, but still.
--So, in order to save Bella and her single drop of blood from Jasper’s bloodlust, Edward throws her…into a bunch of glass bowls. Hmm. Now I’m imagining a new version of the Death Van Scene. “My future love! I will throw you out of the way of this out-of-control van and into the path of this train! You’ll thank me later.”
--“Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm—into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous vampires.” Call me terribly jaded by this series, but that really doesn’t make me feel at all frightened or apprehensive. Because for one thing, nothing truly bad ever happens to Bella. For another, a normal person would take this incident and start thinking, “…you know, maybe I should rethink this whole ‘date the neighborhood vampire’ thing…” But no, I guarantee that thought will not cross Bella’s nonexistent mind in the slightest.
My God. What on earth could I possibly say to sum up how I feel about that chapter?
Nothing, that’s what. And it only gets worse from here. So…no final thoughts this time around. Sorry.
Needless to say, I’m afraid this particular review will be taking a little longer to get out than the Twilight one did, because I discovered that, after only one chapter, I was already burnt out and had to put it away for a while. *sigh* But it’s a matter of dignity and pride that I finish this thing—if Hyde could do it—Hyde, the all-around weenie when it comes to badfic—I can do it. And I will do it. It just…might take me a while.
Stinger: “That was me. Me in a mirror. Me—ancient, creased, and withered.”
(Chapter 2 - Stitches )
I have a new default icon! And two other Twilight related icons!
So, anyway, Hyde and I were having an interesting discussion while I was HMTLing this. We were talking about vampire sex. You know—how Wardo could’ve saved himself and Bella a lot of trouble if he’s just rolled over on his back and let Bella do him like that on their wedding night in Breaking Dawn. No pillow-eating, no bruising, none of that nonsense. But no, he was too busy thinking of being a fine, upstanding Mormon to think of all the damage he could’ve caused her. For shame.
And I am so not kidding about wanting a sex scene in Breaking Dawn if they make that one into a movie. I DEMAND VAMPIRE COUPLINGS. If you deny me the pillow eating, then you can at least give me a raunchy, house-breaking scene of Edward screwing vamp!Bella with the force of two wrecking balls. Pun definitely intended.
Dammit. Now I want to write a goofy sex scene between vamp!Bella and Edward.
Bella: OH, YOU’VE BEEN A NAUGHTY VAMPIRE, EDWARD. NOW I’VE GOT TO SPANK YOU. *starts spanking Edward with a steam-powered battleaxe*
Edward: YES MA’AM, EDWARD IS NAUGHTY! BUT BELLA IS NAUGHTIER!!! *turns around and jumps Bella, sending them flying through all the walls of the house, outside, through two boulders, and into a tree—which falls over*
And then they screw each other so hard they dig a hole in the ground and take out a third of the trees in the area. Hence the new Cullen Lumber Industry that springs up overnight.