Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

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Twilight Notes: Chapters 21-Epilogue

My layout keeps disappearing. Anyone else have that problem since the LJ move?

So, a quick recap before we dive headfirst into the void and finish up this soul-sucker…

Meyer snuck up on us and walloped us all in the back of the head with a plot sledgehammer. After extensive bandaging, we finally realized that James the Evil Vampire with Red Right Hand Eyes wants to not just eat Bella—he wants to hunt her, and because the entire Cullen family is devoted to saving Bella, he thinks this shit is fly. Bella, Alice, and Jasper went to Phoenix to hide, the author very ham-fistedly hinted that James might be in Phoenix already, and now, here we are.

So! How are you?

Chapter 21 – Phone Call

--“I rolled till my feet touched the floor and then staggered to the living room.” That makes no sense.

--*pinches the bridge of her nose* Okay, so it’s confirmed that James knows Bella is here and knows her mom is here, despite the fact that while Victoria was sniffing around Forks, James was cavorting about in Vancouver. Meyer is now asking me to suspend disbelief. Meyer is asking me to assume that James and Victoria have cellphones. Theoretically, yes, James and Victoria could both have cellphones with which to communicate. But there are a lot of things I find myself asking. Such as, where did they get the money to buy the cards they’d need to recharge the cellphones’ minutes (since there is no way these types of vampires have a family plan)? Where do they recharge the phones in the first place, given that cellphones do not have infinite battery life? These people are nomadic—they don’t settle anywhere, meaning that money might be a problem to pay for the phone cards as well as the hotel rooms needed so they can charge their phones or hide out during the day. Do they simply frisk all of their victims and steal their money? Yes, I know, suspension of disbelief is crucial to stories like these. However, as before, when it comes to Meyer? I’m not generous. She’s asked me to suspend disbelief, reality, and basically all of my principles for the sake of reading her book. So, no—I’m not giving you the cellphone angle, Meyer. I’m calling it a big fat fucking plothole, and I’m gonna drive a dune buggy through it just to piss you off.

--“"Edward is coming?" The words were like a life vest, holding my head above the flood.” Edward first! We’ll worry about her mom and dad later. Seriously—that’s what she does. Bitch.

--Aaaaaaaaand Meyer promptly sums up three and a half hours into about two paragraphs, one devoted solely to Bella hoping that seeing Edward is the solution to all of her problems. Why show Bella’s angst, when you can just tell us about it? Really saves on time—time that could be devoted to Bella and Edward (chastely) sucking face! I don’t know why she bothered with plot at all.

--The vampire rapid talk bugs me. Okay, everything about them is superfast—including their speech. You should see them speed-read, too—man, books are flyin’ all over the place they go through them so fast. It’s just stupid.

--“I looked at the clock — it was five-thirty in the morning.

"They're just boarding their plane," Alice told me. "They'll land at nine-forty-five." Just a few more hours to keep breathing till he was here.” Hmm. Now, normally, I’d be hacking away at her “keep breathing” comment, because that’s just pathetic. Unfortunately, I’m more interested in something else. It’s 5:30 in the a.m. Edward and co. are going to arrive at 9:45 in the a.m. And they’re going to pick up Bella. Jasper and Alice are going to relocate to a hotel closer to Bella’s mom. That’s all hunky-dory. Does anybody, however, see the inherent flaw in this brilliant plan? Anyone at all? I’ll give you a hint—it involves the burning day orb and Teh Sparklies.

--“She looked surprised, but I was already walking forward, reaching hopefully for the phone.

"Hello?" Alice asked.” So, Bella reaches for the phone, but Alice answers? No sense, no sense. Now I get the impression of Bella reaching pitifully for the phone like a child reaching for sweets on the counter that his fingers just can’t quite get to.

--“It was a man's tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials.” Meyer was aiming for the “I’m totally Perry Como, even while I rip your throat out” Hannibal Lector villain, I see. She didn’t manage, considering she compared his voice to that of a car salesman.

--“You must know enough about us by now to realize how quickly I would know if you tried to bring anyone along with you.” Actually, she should know enough about vampires by now to know that they are pretty good at hiding themselves. HINT, Bella.

--“"Before noon, please, Bella. I haven't got all day," he said politely.” I thought for sure you’d want to drag out her suffering. Some villain you turned out to be.

--You know, I think Alice would be a little suspicious of that conversation. It was all yes and no answers, with no explanations as to the mysterious phone message Bella left. I mean, it just doesn’t seem natural that her mom is doing all of the talking while Bella does all of the listening. Not to mention that the over-the-top emoting might have given her away. And anyway—shouldn’t Alice’s visions given them a clue or something, once she officially decided to sneak off like the idiot she is?

--“Slowly, slowly, my thoughts started to break past that brick wall of pain.” Hang on a sec. *pulls out a violin* Continue.

--Stop calling it “the mirror room”, dadgummit! You know it’s a ballet studio!

--Lemme get this straight, Bella. James is one vampire. You’ve got not one, not, two, hell, not even three, but SEVEN vampires on your side. And, after about three seconds of dithering, immediately say, “That’s it, I’m going to die, so I might as well walk willingly into James’s open fangs—err, teeth, since vampires in this story don’t have fangs.” I know James has leverage, but you’ve got force! For Pete’s sake! Drama queen.

--“I had just one script and I'd never manage improvisation now.” Hope that’s not foreshadowing about the movie.

--She writes a last and dramatic love letter to Edward…but not a thought for her father? Isn’t she at all thinking she’ll never be able to apologize for leaving the way she did? Has she even called him yet, to say she’s okay? Or is he just not even on the radar? Well, probably would be best if she didn’t bother him—the game’s on, after all.

--“And then I carefully sealed away my heart.” *gags* Oh, for the love of—Bella, SHUT UP. Just SHUT. UP.

Chapter 22 – Hide-And-Seek

--“It had taken much less time than I'd thought — all the terror, the despair, the shattering of my heart.” Didn’t I JUST TELL YOU to shut up?!

--Oh, don’t tear yourself up over this, Alice. It’s not that you’re going to fail at protecting Bella. It’s just Bella is incredibly stupid.

--There they go, off to meet Edward. In broad daylight. This is beyond a dune buggy-sized plothole. This is a TANK-SIZED plothole.

--“I could hear them discussing the pros and cons of New York, Atlanta, Chicago. Places I'd never seen. And would never see.” *hams it up on the violin* It’s AIRHEAD. “Oh, wah, I’m going to die, and there’s no way to get out of it! Wah!”

--“Alice's eyes were confused, but — I saw to my relief— not suspicious. She must be attributing the change in her vision to some maneuver of the tracker's rather than a betrayal by me.” Because she’s an IDIOT. There—there! If they are all the more sure that James is going to get her, then why don’t they just stay right where they are?! Oh, and why isn’t Jasper having problems with eating now? They haven’t eaten in a while, and they’re surrounded by people, including Bella, the one he tends to keep a distance from the most. Don’t make me pull out my plothole dune buggy again.

--Ah, and now Bella is running—even though it’s been established she can’t run two steps without tripping. That’s why she didn’t try running from the thugs way back at the first, after all. *sighs*

--There goes Airhead Bella again. Oh, hell, I won’t even bother striking it out—it’s Airhead, complete with a pseudo last moment with her beloved.

--Oh, so now that it’s the death march, she’s clumsy? Just to draw it out? Meyer, you are a cheating bitch.

--“The sun was hot on my skin, too bright as it bounced off the white concrete and blinded me. I felt dangerously exposed. More fiercely than I would have dreamed I was capable of, I wished for the green, protective forests of Forks… of home.” See what Meyer did there? Isn’t it subtle and good character development? Or not, either one.

--And so it is finally revealed! It was the butler in the library with the candlestick a tape the whole time! He never had her mom at all! *dun dun DUN* Well, you know what? As clever an idea that may be in the abstract, it was very poorly executed. What the hell inspired James to go through their old tapes? How did he even find them in the first place? And oh, look, they just HAPPENED to have a tape of Bella’s mom being hysterical. This is a big fat contrivance.

--What? No dawning horror that she was tricked and went through all of this for nothing after the relief that her mother is safe passes? Meyer, you just had to go and make Bella THAT SELFLESS.

--“"I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It's amazing — some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all."” Translation: Boy, I’ve encountered stupid humans before, but this…why did I even bother tracking her at all? She just delivered herself right into my hands. Where’s the challenge in that?

--“"Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then. You see, this was all just a little too easy, too quick. To be quite honest, I'm disappointed. I expected a much greater challenge. And, after all, I only needed a little luck."” How awesome am I? I totally hadn’t read ahead when I came to that translation.

--“There was no sense in running all over the planet chasing you down when I could comfortably wait for you in a place of my choosing.” So much for him living for the thrill of the hunt. Seriously—this “tracker” is total bullspit.

--…he’s recording it. He’s going to record the death and gloat. “Bella, I’m totally going to kill you. But first, a song!” *groans* Get that man a mustache to twirl. Hell, this guy is so camp, he not only needs to twirl a mustache, but he also needs to do the Dr. Evil pinky trick as well— at the same time!

--Oh, and then he decides to reveal Alice’s past, and it’s because of him that she was left completely alone. Well, Mr. Tracker, where was the sport in hunting a lunatic in a little cell who couldn’t even run away and probably was totally unaware of her surroundings? And how did the old vampire who liked Alice become fond of her, anyway? This whole story resembles a slice of Swiss cheese. *starts driving the dune buggy*

--“She smelled even better than you do.” Ooo, burn, Bella.

--Yes, Bella’s had this whole time to flinch, try to run, get out of there, anything—but she chooses to just sit there until James is in total vamp mode to try and run. Only then does she panic. She doesn’t panic when he starts feeling her up, even.

--Is it wrong that I started cheering when James decided to punt her into a glass wall?

--“"I thought this room would be visually dramatic for my little film. That's why I picked this place to meet you. It's perfect, isn't it?"” James…just twirl your mustache and do your pinky thing and kill her already, please.

--…she’s passing out. No. NO. You are not going to do this to me. You aren’t. I refuse to let you, Meyer.

Chapter 23 – The Angel

--Oh, she totally did. That bitch totally did. I’ve been slogging through this for over four-hundred pages for some semblance of a goddamned climax, just a LITTLE blood in a book that’s supposed to be about VAMPIRES, the huge dramatic battle between Edward and James over Bella, and when it finally gets here, what does the bitch do? SHE FUCKING COPS OUT. SHE TOTALLY JUST COPPED OUT OF WRITING AN ACTION SCENE BETWEEN SOME VAMPIRES!!!!! GODDAMMIT, I DO NOT ASK FOR VERY MUCH OUT OF A STORY, BUT I EXPECT TO BE FUCKING ENTERTAINED WHEN I PICK IT UP, YOU WHORE!!!! BUT NO, NO, RATHER THAN ENTERTAIN YOUR READERS WITH AN ACTION SCENE, WHICH WOULD BE HELLA MORE INTERESTING THAN THE REST OF THIS FREAKIN’ THREE-RING CIRCUS OF PAIN, YOU DECIDE TO SKIP IT ALL IN FAVOR OF BELLA WAXING POETIC ABOUT EDWARD!!!!!!! YOU WHORE!!!!!!! YOU DIRTY WHORE!!!!!! YOU DON’T DESERVE A SINGLE CENT YOU’VE EARNED ON THESE NOVELS!!!!!! *pantpantpant*

--“There was a new pain, a scalding pain in my hand that was overshadowing everything else.

Someone was burning me.” *holds the cigarette lighter to Bella’s hand, cackling madly* THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR PASSING OUT AND DENYING ME AN ACTION SEQUENCE, BITCH!!!!

--Which each word, Meyer spirals even further into the realms of total stupidity. Oh, so only Edward can suck the venom out. Yes, Edward—the guy who is constantly torn between either eating Bella or screwing her. Or just doing both at the same time and solving everybody’s problems. Even though Alice emphasized that even a taste of blood can cause a vampire to go into a total feeding frenzy—triply so when Edward is concerned and the blood in question is Bella’s. Carlisle? The man who has supreme control over his hunger? Nope, he can’t do it—he’s got a tee time to make. So, Wardo, you get on that. You had probably better be safe and just completely desanguify her altogether, actually—don’t want even the slightest bit of venom in there, right?

--Ah, yes—love totally conquers every point that Meyer has thus emphasized in her novels. I’m not buying that. I’m totally driving the dune buggy again.

--Yes. Please sleep—because you probably have a concussion, and you’ll hopefully slip into a coma. Then I won’t have to deal with you anymore.

Chapter 24 – An Impasse

--“"Shhhh," he shushed me.” Rameses Luther you are NOT.

--Finally, concern for Charlie enters the picture. But it is quickly brushed under the rug in favor of Wardo and Bella’s infinite love for each other.

--“…They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it — it made you smell all wrong for a while."

"That must have been a nice change for you."

"No, I like how you smell."” Edward, how many times are you going to forget that you don’t like how she smells because it’s merely, “Oh, my girlfriend uses the best perfume/shampoo/lotion”? It’s, “Man, my girlfriend smells like a turkey dinner. Yum.”

--“He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile. "I must love you."” Now, I would’ve read a scene where Edward started sucking the venom out and then wouldn’t stop, and Emmett had to come wrestle him a bear away from Bella and then there was a big fight because Edward was in total blood lust phase, and it freaked Bella out and then they FINALLY began to realize that maybe their relationship is going to be a little more complicated than they thought in their stupid teenaged minds. But no, Meyer uses duex ex machine to explain why Edward could stop—the ever convenient, “I somehow did it! Go me!”

--Is Edward mad at the fact that Alice was kept in an asylum her whole life, or mad because James orphaned her? I can’t really tell. Edward’s so vague, sometimes.

--“"Afraid of a needle," he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…"” I’m glad somebody other than me saw that that was really stupid. Humor is not your forte, Meyer. Don’t bother trying.

--“He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.” Meyer’s moved beyond kicking my cat. She’s kicking all THREE of my cats, and then, while I’m writing in pain on the floor, unable to protect them, she saunters on over to me and starts pummeling my ribs with steel-toed shoes. I hate her.

--“"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again.” You are the most pathetic being on the face of this earth.

--“"He never leaves, does he?" she mumbled to herself.” And this is not at all creepy. Now, her mom not noticing that Edward is freaky, I can understand. Her mom’s an established flake. But if Charlie were to come down here and didn’t notice that Edward is always hovering…I’d call foul.

--I still don’t get why Bella’s so secretive about being “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love with Edward. I mean, it’s not like anybody would care. Everybody lets her do whatever she wants, anyway.

--And so, Bella decides to stay in Forks. Question—she ran out on Charlie declaring how much she hated Forks. Do you really think he’s gonna buy her traipsing back in saying she likes it now? After falling down the stairs in the hotel where Edward was? For all Charlie knows, Edward could’ve pushed her—Charlie’s a cop, after all.

--Dear God—MEYER, HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE BELLA HYPERVENTILATE?! I don’t even think she knows what it means—she just thinks it’s a cool word and stuck it in a bunch of times to sound edumatcated!

--“"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not," he added roughly.

"Good."” How the hell am I going to make it through this chapter? Bella is just…guh.

--“"Why you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you."” I hear her saying this in a brain-dead and sugary-sweet voice that is so vapid it makes me want to chop my own head off.

--“"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."” That voice is still going. And, basically, she is saying, “I want superpowers! Come on, bite me!” Not thinking it through, not thinking of disadvantages, not thinking how it might affect her family and those dear to her—none of that bullshit, no, it’s all about getting to be superhot and superpowerful when it comes to Bella. GOD, I hate her.

--Bella is the most selfish bitch on the face of the planet. Edward reminds her that she’s got family. Her response? “Oh, they don’t matter! They won’t care if I’m turned into a vampire and have to cut all ties with them!” I just…I have nothing to say except a string of curse words that would be improper. This is awful.

--“I glared at him. "I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."” *drifts off for a moment* Hmm. Let’s see. I recall a speech from The Lost Boys, said by that delicious piece of man Kiefer Sutherland as David. “You’ll never grow old, Michael, and you’ll never die. But you must feed.” Bella is not thinking of the price. She must feed. On something that makes her sick just to think about it. And there are chances that she might slip up and eat a human—commit murder. Not to mention that the idea of living forever doesn’t even phase her—naw, that’s cool, living forever! And eternal beauty—oh, what she wouldn’t give for that. And I love how she emphasizes the growing old part. ZOMG, OLD PEOPLE ARE SOOOOOO UNCOOL AND UGLY!!!! Thanks, Bella. And thanks, Meyer—through Bella, you insulted every person in the world over twenty.

--“"That's how it's supposed to happen. How it should happen. How it would have happened if I didn't exist — and I shouldn't exist."

I snorted. He opened his eyes in surprise. "That's stupid. That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."” That is NOT what Edward said at all, you IDIOT!!! He said he was unnatural!!! And then you go and compare getting turned into a vampire is like winning the lottery, even though he just declared he’s a freak of nature! YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH AND HIDEOUS CHARACTER EVER ENVISIONED BY A WRITER!!!! NO—A TYPIST!!!

--“"Alice already saw it, didn't she?" I guessed. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you… someday."

"She's wrong. She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen, either."

"You'll never catch me betting against Alice."” Edward points out that Alice’s visions aren’t always accurate, and she immediately throws it back in his face like it doesn’t matter. And I’m getting real sick of her having no regard with how he feels about her becoming a vampire. Nope, this is all about her.

--And it ends with her smugly informing Edward that because Alice saw it in a vision, he just might as well resign himself to doing it. Although I am wondering how far into the future Alice can see. Bella’s being turned happens over a year later. But from what I’ve seen, most of her visions are pretty short term. So, how exactly does she work?

Epilogue: An Occasion

--I’m shocked Bella hasn’t figured this out as well, really. I already know what’s going on a few paragraphs in. They’re all dressed up, it’s later in the school year—DUH. Gad, she’s stupid.

--“Charlie had been… difficult since my return to Forks. He had compartmentalized my bad experience into two defined reactions. Toward Carlisle he was almost worshipfully grateful. On the other hand, he was stubbornly convinced that Edward was at fault — because, if not for him, I wouldn't have left home in the first place. And Edward was far from disagreeing with him. These days I had rules that hadn't existed before: curfews… visiting hours.” Oh yes. He’s being difficult. Those are all completely legitimate concerns and ideas. He’s enforcing discipline and looking out for her safety. But Bella just calls him difficult. *strangles Bella*

--“He wasn't expecting the force of my reaction, that was clear. He pressed his lips together and his eyes narrowed. "Don't be difficult, Bella."” *gawps* Oh my—Bella expresses serious problems and a big desire NOT to go to prom, and that is Edward’s response?!

--And, of course, Bella just gives in. As usual. The only thing she won’t just give in is her desire to become a hawt and awesome and perfect vampire.

--“Rosalie acted as if I didn't exist.” Heaven forbid. Personally, I think Rosalie is awesome for not liking Bella. Somebody in this story had to, after all. I always end up liking the Scary Sues for that—but I’m spoiled on the fact that she’s the SS who’ll be reformed, so I know I’ll hate her later.

--“In Phoenix, they held proms in hotel ballrooms. This dance was in the gym, of course. It was probably the only room in town big enough for a dance.” And, of course, Bella can’t resist putting down Forks some more, even though she insisted she liked it. I mean, where would she be without complaining about every little thing in her life?

--“I looked at the dance floor; a wide gap had formed in the center of the floor, where two couples whirled gracefully. The other dancers pressed to the sides of the room to give them space — no one wanted to stand in contrast with such radiance.” *snert* “Okay, folks, listen up—we are vampires, so we have to blend in. Now get out there onto the dance floor and totally wow them and draw attention to yourselves.” It just makes me think of Airhead again—like the rest of this stupid story. But on a happier note, it also totally reminds me of “Growing Up Cullen” when Emmett takes gym in high school so he can pwn all the puny humans and Edward becomes so offended by that.

--“"Yeah. He was… kind of over the top when you got hurt down in Phoenix. He didn't believe…" Jacob trailed off self-consciously.

My eyes narrowed. "I fell."” I just pictured Edward menacing Bella. “Now remember, bitch—you fell down the stairs.”

--“'"We'll be watching.'" He watched warily for my reaction.

It sounded like something from a mafia movie. I laughed out loud.” I guess she is just that fond of people spying on her that that statement doesn’t disturb her in the slightest.

--“His hands hesitated at my waist, and he glanced at my bum leg. "Do you want to dance again? Or can I help you get somewhere?"

Edward answered for me. "That's all right, Jacob. I'll take it from here."” Hmm. “Edward answered for me.” I’m gonna assume this is going to be a running theme in the books when it comes to Bell and Edward’s relationship.

--Yes, she can name every single person at prom. Not that she will, because they are unimportant, but still.

--“"Twilight, again," he murmured. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."

"Some things don't have to end," I muttered through my teeth, instantly tense.” Oh, look—another “twilight” reference! And once again, Bella pokes at Edward to change her.

--“"I brought you to the prom," he said slowly, finally answering my question, "because I don't want you to miss anything. I don't want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I'd died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have."


We were quiet for a minute; he stared at the moon and I stared at him. I wished there was some way to explain how very uninterested I was in a normal human life.” Edward for once makes himself sympathetic in the eyes of the audience by telling her that he wants her to be human, something he only got a taste of and can’t even remember anymore. And her response? “Chuh, I am totally uninterested in human life. I want to be SPECIAL!!!” *wants to kill Bella—a lot*

--You know, if I were Edward, I wouldn’t be teasing lightly that she thought her getting all dressed up and prettified meant she was about to be changed into a vampire. I’d be seriously mad. He’d made it CLEAR he didn’t want to change her, for one. For another, she’s constantly trying to romanticize being changed when he has ALSO made it quite clear that it is NOT PLEASANT and there is a chance he could KILL HER in the process.

--“His eyebrows rose. "Is that what you dream about? Being a monster?"

"Not exactly," I said, frowning at his word choice. Monster, indeed. "Mostly I dream about being with you forever."” Bella is so blind. All she sees are how awesome vampires are, and how much better they are than humans (in other words, she’s SMeyer). She doesn’t seem to realize that being a vampire makes you a predator—makes humans your lunch. And she isn’t like Edward—he had nothing to lose. His family was dead, he was dying himself. She has a full life ahead of her—she has family, friends. She’ll never be able to see her parents again for the risk of eating them. She just DOESN’T. THINK.

--And we end on that sour note and me pissed off. Thanks, Meyer. Thanks so much.

The Finalest of Final Thoughts

What can I say? This book is bad. Everything about it is bad. The most it has are a few characters that could’ve been interesting that were quickly glossed over in favor of concentrating on what the author thought mattered, writing a love note to herself rather than write a story for the audience.

This book is nothing but a wish-fulfillment sexual fantasy. It makes no attempt to hide it, either. From the very first chapter, Edward Cullen is the most beautiful man on the face of this earth. And by chapter nine, they are madly in love and there is nothing left to do but roll about in that love. There is no sexual tension, there is no build-up, the couple has no chemistry and nothing in common, and there is no wondering who is going to be together and who isn’t. Shipping is not an issue here, no matter how hard some fans may argue this point—Bella and Edward are going to be together, because Edward is the most beautiful (and that makes him the best—and doesn’t SMeyer deserve the best).

The characterizations in this book are piss-poor, flat, lifeless, and I cannot relate to any of them. There are a few characters who could be interesting, but, as said before, they are ignored and skated over in favor of looking at the two most unlikable characters Meyer has to offer—Edward and Bella. Bella is our main character. We are supposed to be able to relate to her in some fashion—and we can’t, because there is simply nothing there. The most characterization she gets in this novel is that she is adamant about casting off her flawed human shell and becoming a perfect vampire, which anybody with a single brain cell could’ve predicted the minute Wardo the Vamp sauntered onto the screen.

To give you all an idea as to how bad this is, allow me to draw comparisons between this and “Ariana’s Sacrifice”, the third fic in Ariana Black’s masterpiece series of seven fics that culminated into the one I am currently posting on my LJ. Allow me to sum up Airhead Year III for you readers who do not already know about that particular fic.

Nothing happens until chapter seven. Then Airhead has a dream about Voldemort, which is promptly forgotten about until chapter twelve, in which the plot suddenly hits us in the head. Voldemort desires to use Airhead’s super power to make himself all powerful. I don’t know how it works, but hey, I’m not the author. Voldemort uses her friends as leverage to make her sacrifice herself willingly, which she does. She angsts for a very long time about how she is going to die, but that there is no other way out of this situation. She has a tearful goodbye with her beloved, Neville (die die die), and it is very angsty. Then, just as Airhead taunts us with the idea that she is about to die for realz, yo, she is miraculously saved without much of an action scene by her friends who come out of nowhere, and within one chapter, all is forgotten and it is a wonderfully happy ending where everybody goes home without fear.

Let’s recap Twilight now, shall we? You get no plot at all besides Bella and Edward falling madly in love with each other within three months of meeting until chapter seventeen. Once the plot arrives on the scene, it mostly glorifies how Bella is speshul and all the vampires of the Cullen coven love her and would sacrifice their very lives for her. Then Dr. Evil Snidely Whiplash Professor Fate James the Evil Vampire tricks her into thinking he’s got her mom and uses that as leverage to make Bella deliver herself into his waiting arms. Just as we think Bella’s going to die—after she whines about it for a very long time, of course, and has a tearful fantasy goodbye with Edward—the other vampires show up in the nick of time (even though we have no idea how they managed to find her—plothole, anybody?), destroy James, and it ends with everybody easily forgetting about James and going to prom.


You know what else these two stories have in common? They are both obviously written by amateur writers who have a long way to go before hammering out something that has even a resemblance to good writing. They are both Mary Sues extraordinaire, wish-fulfillment fantasies brimming with flat and unlikable characters, complete with a very selfish lead female masquerading as somebody who is selfless—if the other characters were anything to believe, that is. They both feature an SO for the lead female who is the authors’ dream man and fulfills every sexual fantasy they’ve ever had. Nothing truly bad and lasting ever happens to the main characters. Only the bad guys die. It’s childish writing, written by people who want nothing more than to romp around in a fantasy setting of their choice.

Oh, and did I mention that both authors were so enamored of their Mary Sues that to say a word against them is to insult the author so personally that they probably consider it well within their rights to come over to your house and punch you in the face with brass knuckles?

And finally, one must ask—this is a blatantly obvious sexual fantasy between Meyer and the man of her dreams. A man who is clearly not her husband. And it isn’t being kept hidden away on her computer, either. No, this is published and millions of people read it all the time. So what does her husband thing of this? Many times, he has stated he is perfectly fine with it. People might do a double-take about that, but not me. I have a theory about why he’s perfectly all right with his wife publishing her wet dreams. I believe the Penny-Arcade comic strip summed it up very nicely in this handy comic. Just change the question to the one asked above, and change the first of the character’s answer to some nonsense about how free-thinking he is, and you’ve got it.

The skinny? I hated it. And I still have three more to go—and this one was supposed to be the best of the lot. I have to wait HOW long until I get a gratifying scene of blood and gore? *despair*

Stinger: “He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.”

( Twilight: The Movie )

Well, my Twilight review has come to an end—so has “Strange Bedfellows”. We completed posting on Sunday. Thank you so much, all who reviewed. We are glad you enjoyed it.

THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I didn’t even see the movie, and now I wanna watch it strictly so I can put it on mute and play that song on repeat!

Here is your RPattz from Merv of the day. Unscripted MovieFone interview with Pattinson, Stewart, and *grr* Meyer herself. However, once you listen to it, be sure to go over to the little side bar with all the extra videos and look at the extras. Specifically, look at the extra entitled “Robert on hanging out with Edward”. At first, it seems a little WTF. And then…RPattz totally pwns Meyer to her face without her even NOTICING. It made me so happy in my pants to watch that. You would not believe. And I think I figured out why my first sight of Meyer irritated me so much. I didn't know what it was about her, but just LOOKING at her irritated me. I can't look at her face without just getting this ridge up my spine. And I finally figured it out--she looks just like my flaky aunt from Boston. The one that I am glad to see arrive and VERY glad to see go when it comes to Christmas.

And that’s it for the first book in this series, folks. I’m gonna take a short break, post some more chapters of Airhead, and then start on New Moon. But only after I watch Twilight in theaters this Friday. Speaking of which, while I still have yet to see a review, it’s got a 5.8 out of 10 on imdb right now with a little under 1500 votes. Booyah.

ETA: Aha! We have a review! It's a Twifan, though, and you can tell--she really tries her best to make the books sound deeper than they really are. However, I want to see a review from an objective mind--such as from Quint, who hasn't read the books and ignored the craze. But, there you go. Looks like Twifans might be very satisfied with how things go. That means we might see a Titanic phenomenon--twee fans going to see the movie OVER and OVER and OVER again.
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