Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues

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Twilight Notes: Chapters 18-20

So, when we last left Bella and Wardo, Bella had just been introduced to the Cullen family proper. We discovered that Carlisle is pretty damned awesome. Billy Black, Plot Device’s father, visited Bella and warned her not to date Wardo. Then everybody played baseball. We ended on a somber note, with new, human-eating vampires arriving on the scene. This is bad, because it would’ve been absolutely impossible for anyone to get Bella out of there, despite the fact that they had a person who can see the future in their midst.

Anyway. Might as well not nitpick and forge ahead!

Chapter 18 – The Hunt

--Bad Meyer. BAD. The “bad” vampires are described as predatory and creepy, while the “good” vampires are nothing but gods. THEY’RE ALL STILL VAMPIRES, BITCH.

--The woman has orange hair? You said it vividly red up there. Make up your mind.

--*rolls eyes so hard they fall out of her head—crawls around on the floor, finds them, and puts them back in* Oh, Meyer. The human-eating vamps have red eyes. They’re EEEEEEEVIL!!!!! This just…better not dwell on it. I’ll roll my eyes again and lose them for good.

--Bella, this is NO TIME to reveal how SHOCKING it is that Carlisle included you as part of his family, and call attention to it just so you could remind the audience that the Cullens already think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. He is including you in his family as an attempt to HIDE you. Twit. Dammit, this just reminds me of Airhead’s minions taking any and every opportunity, no matter how ill-timed, to marvel over the fact that Snape is her friend.

--I have a question. Alice’s reasoning for why they couldn’t get Bella out of there fast enough was the fact that the new vamps would smell her. However, even though the wind has been blowing this whole time, and apparently Bella smells like crispy bacon to everybody, it took the new bad vamps getting very close to smell her. And Edward, who is the MOST attracted to Beggin’ Bella Strips, didn’t smell her until she sat down next to him in Biology. My question is this—remind me again why they couldn’t get her out of here a few minutes ago, when the new vamps weren’t even here?

--Well, Bella, I said I’d do it. Look! James just wants to eat you! Why are you so terrified? IT’S ONLY REASONABLE!!!

--“I kept my head down, but my eyes, wide with fright, wouldn't close. They plunged through the now-black forest like wraiths.” I had to read this about four times before I figured out her eyes were not plunging through the now-black forest like wraiths and that it was, in fact, the other vampires.

--Shush, Bella, you silly female—Edward, the Man, knows what he is doing. Do not question his actions—I mean, you haven’t up until now, after all. Just let him drive three-hundred mph and cause his family to be exiled from Forks and get your father killed.

--Yet again, somebody is shouting without any inflection whatsoever. Does Meyer have something against exclamation points?

--This is a strange personality change in Bella—she’s shown absolutely no love for her father up until this point. What’s the deal, missy?

--“"Bella, please just do this my way, just this once," he said between clenched teeth.” Edward, name me ONE TIME when Bella does something her way instead of yours. I’ll bet you can’t.

--*snort* You know, I think this is the most idiotic plot ever. They are really hoping that this James character is stupid—it’s the only way the plot would work, after all. However, to give them credit, everybody thus far HAS been that stupid. And, of course, where would we be without another Airhead comparison? Bella spouts off something stupid, and everybody just praises her for it.

--What—that’s it? Dammit, Meyer! Oh, you’ll let the chapters go ON and ON and ON when it’s Edward and Bella making goo-goo eyes at each other, but when actual PLOT shows up, they can’t be more than twelve pages?!

Chapter 19 – Goodbyes

--Commander Edward is annoying me. Stop giving everybody orders, dickweed. This isn’t even your plan.

--Okay. So, Bella just marches out. And…Charlie pretty much doesn’t stop her? *sigh* As I said, you’d think she was an orphan with how involved her parents are with her life.

--“"But it won't be all right when I'm not with you," I whispered.” She’s got a blood-thirsty vampire after her, and all she can think of is being away from Edward. *throws up her hands in frustration and heads for the liquor cabinet*

--Special Snowflake Bella smells like bacon to EVERYBODY, it seems. Hmph.

--“Emmett had my door open before the truck was stopped; he pulled me out of the seat, tucked me like a football into his vast chest, and ran me through the door.” *stares—and then bursts out laughing* THAT IS THE FUNNIEST IMAGE THIS STORY HAS PRESENTED EVER!!!!! PUNT HER, EMMETT!!! OH, HE’S GOT BELLA THROUGH THE DOOR AND—IT’S A TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!! *and the crowd goes wild*

--“The show of leadership in the clearing was merely that, a show.” *nastily* Thanks for holding our hands, Bella. Look, just because you’re a complete idiot, don’t assume the rest of us are.

--“Edward's enraged roar filled the room; Laurent cringed back.” RAWR, EDWARD SMASH!!!!! *giggles*

--Okay, everybody needs to stop carrying Bella. It’s becoming tedious.

--There you go, boys—you get some girls-switching-clothes action there. I do wonder, though, how Bella talks about how Esme’s clothes are too big for her, but Esme easily fits into Bella’s.

--“But Edward was at my side at once. He caught me up in his iron grip, crushing me to him.” *singing* My bride, my bride, I’ve come to claim my bride! Come tenderly to crush her against my side! *dawning realization* Omigosh, Edward is totally Miles Gloriosus! Bella: Look at those arms, look at that chest, look at them! Edward: Not to mention the rest—even I am impressed!

--“"I can feel what you're feeling now — and you are worth it."” Bella Swan—because you’re worth it. *flips hair*

--And off they go. For once, I’m interested in seeing the next chapters—because these are Sparklepires, and they’re gonna be in daylight. This should be interesting.

Chapter 20 – Impatience

--Meyer just cheated. “Well, see? The windows are all tinted dark—that means that nobody can see them sparkle as they drive in the daytme.” Oh. So all the windows are tinted—including the fruckin’ windshield? There are laws regarding the amount of tinting you can have, you know. And a cop never once became suspicious of these guys flying down the highway? Edward of the Radar-Love wasn’t there to watch out for them. And what about stops? They made a three-day journey in one day. Do you honestly expect me to believe that?

--Ah, yes. Phoenix. Bella’s hometown. It’s Meyer’s hometown, too. Hmm.

--“"I ordered some food for you, it's in the front room. Edward reminded me that you have to eat a lot more frequently than we do."” You know, I know Alice is vampire and all, but you’d think that despite not remembering what it was like to be human, she’d know a little about human habits, given that she’s been masquerading as one for all these years.

--Bella’s trying to hide the fact that her sole concern for Edward behind fake concern for everybody else. We all know better. And yet again, more Airhead. These people don’t know her from Adam, and they’re all already willing to risk their lives for her simply because Edward likes her. Don’t make me roll my eyes again, please.

--Ah, yes—it was inevitable. Meyer decides to write in the first interest Bella shows in wanting to become a vampire. And when Alice says Edward doesn’t want her to know how you become a vampire, Bella’s response? “"That's not fair. I think I have a right to know."” *bitch-slaps Bella* Who died and made you queen? Oh, my mistake—you are the queen of this universe. By all means, carry on.

--“"It's none of his business. This is between you and me. Alice, as a friend, I'm begging you."” Bella’s pissing me off (again). She just decides what is and what isn’t everybody’s business, doesn’t she?

--So, you have venom…but no fangs. How on earth do you inject it?

--“"I don't know. For everyone else, the pain of transformation is the sharpest memory they have of their human life. I remember nothing of being human." Her voice was wistful.” So, it’s established in this universe that vampires do miss being human. I’m going to keep that in mind when Bella starts harassing Edward to change her.

--Meyer, you are still asking too much of me when it comes to suspension of disbelief. So James hopped a plane—what time was this, exactly? You’re hoping I’ll assume it’s after sunset. Well, I don’t like to just assume things for your benefit—you’ve been insulting me and kicking my cat this whole time, and I am not feeling generous—so screw you. It’s totally daylight outside.

--Jesus, I can see this coming from a mile away. The dance studio appears to be the exact same one Bella used to go to when she was a child, but Bella always brushes off stuff that Meyer wants to try and keep secret and spring on us later, so Bella insists it has to be a different studio. But she wants to call her mom anyway, so she leaves a message on the machine including the number to her phone so her assailant can somehow contact her and set his eeeeeeeeevil plan into motion. *sighs*

--And we end this chapter with somebody carrying Bella AGAIN. Goddammit.

Final Thoughts

My mind was pretty numb after these. I know it was supposed to be the ZOMG ACTION of this entire novel, but…well, it obviously didn’t leave much of an impression upon me, because the action was merely yet another way to make Bella a Special Snowflake. Which brings in yet another Airhead comparison—Voldemort promptly switching gears and ceasing in his pursuit of Harry in favor of looming over Airhead and threatening her life.

Not only that, but what the hell is a tracker? Meyer introduced the term, and promptly left the details to—us. Now, it is one thing to leave the details to the imagination of the reader if you’re, say, fading to black to cop out of writing a steamy sex scene. *cough* But it is quite another to leave main plot points to the readers’ imagination! What the hell is a tracker? I have no idea what it is. All I know is that they enjoy the hunt. Which really doesn’t make any sense to me, considering humans are such easy prey for vampires. Bella is clearly not Ah-nold, here.

There is also the problem of the preface earlier. I know what’s coming because of it—I know that, somehow, James is going to either kidnap somebody Bella loves or otherwise threaten somebody Bella loves and lure her away from Jasper and Alice so he can have his wicked way with her. Now, a good writer can reveal the end or the climax of the story at the very beginning of the piece and still have you anxious to read it because you want to know how it happened or what happens afterwards. Meyer is not a good writer—and so I’m mostly wondering what idiocy Bella will do next to deliver herself into James’s hands.

Stinger: “Emmett had my door open before the truck was stopped; he pulled me out of the seat, tucked me like a football into his vast chest, and ran me through the door.”

( Chapter 21 - Phone Call )

While I haven’t finished the review, I actually did read the entire novel this weekend, mostly so I could watch the clips they’ve got online for Twilight. And you know what? So far, it is actually shaping up to be better than the novel. I know—not hard to do—at least, that’s what I thought until I saw Eragon. But still, here’s a list of things that look to be serious improvements over the novel.

1. They made the Van of Doom scene a lot simpler. No folding the van into an origami crane with the passenger still inside. Just stopping it with his hand.
2. RPattz is playing Edward exactly as he is—a stalker. I’m almost positive it’s his subtle revenge against having to play this guy. I mean, watching him growl, “I’m very…protective of you,” while giving her this look creeped me the hell out, and I know for a fact he wasn’t doing it in an attempt to be romantic. Knowing what I know about how he feels about Edward, his performance may actually be the highlight of the film for those in the know.
3. The first kiss scene looks to be something that real Non-Mormon teenagers would do. It’s not just chaste flutter-kissing. They make out and roll around and probably grope each other.
4. Here’s the one that about gave me a heart attack from surprise. BELLA. ACTUALLY. DOES SOMETHING. I know, sit down if you need it, I’ll make the drinks. When Bella is confronted by James in the ballet studio, she not only whips out some pepper spray and gives James a hit off of it, but she also tries to run. Granted, none of it does any good, but she didn’t just SIT there and let James play rugby with her! Bella appears to have a least a partially-working fight or flight switch!
5. There is a fight, and we see it. I gotta say, you will see my rant about the “climax” of this novel in the next and last installment of my review. But the movie does NOT have, “Bella passed out, and when she woke up, everything was just peachy!” *save the rant, save the rant—breathes into a paper bag*

It’s gonna be bad, and I’m gonna be rubbing my forehead a lot and be tempted to jump up and start throwing popcorn. But I must go, to not only satisfy my own curiosity, but also at Hyde’s (grudging) request, because she has admitted that, as the book is such crap that it wouldn’t be hard to fix, she wants to see if they managed to improve it.

See you next time, folks—with the end of Twilight.
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