Edward the Sparklypoo Vampire and Bella the Whiny Warehouse are officially together.
That’s it! Let’s go!
Chapter 15 – The Cullens
--*splutters* Oh, man! You know, earlier in this review, I off-handedly AND SARCASTICALLY mentioned that soon, Edward was just going to show up in her room, as opposed to showing up in her driveway. AND THERE HE IS!!! Sitting in that rocking chair—which is infinitely creepier if you’ve read any of Midnight Sun.
--“"Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap. In the instant that my thoughts caught up with my actions, I froze, shocked by my own uncontrolled enthusiasm.” Don’t worry, Bella. From what I hear about Breaking Dawn, you’ll have graduated from merely throwing yourself at him to literally tearing his clothes off.
--Yuck. Edward appears to have the same back fetish as Neville Longbottom and Draco Malfoy in the Airhead series.
--“"He left an hour ago — after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"” Um…am I missing something here? I’m afraid I don’t get the joke. Part of me thinks it’s Edward being creepy again.*
--“"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.” He should know. *shudders*
--“"I love you," I whispered.
"You are my life now," he answered simply.” I think I’m gonna choke. No, I am choking—on my own vomit.
--Bella is the dumbest person I’ve ever had the misfortune to read about. She is making lame jokes about Edward wanting to eat her. Tell me, Bella, would you find it funny if I pushed into, say, shark-infested waters?
--*looking sick* These two are the vilest couple in the world. If they start advancing to calling each other “nummy-head” and “smoochy-poo”, I am LEAVING and I am NEVER COMING BACK. Not even for Breaking Dawn.
--Once again, Twilight not only reminds me of better works, but also makes me want to put this one down and actually go see the better one. This time, it’s Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Edward watching Bella eat. Reminds me of Barbossa watching Elizabeth eat. Only Barbossa was SO MUCH COOLER than Edward. Barbossa could pwn Edward any old day of the week—I mean, he pwned Jack Sparrow. Several times. He HAS to be awesome.
--So…lemme get this straight. His family knows all about Edward’s mad-crazy dual lust for Bella (dammit, I keep wanting to write Bellatrix). They abhor killing humans and live on animals, and have spent a while building up the trust of everybody in this town so they can blend in and try to be normal people for a while before having to move on. And…they were laying bets and probably joking about whether or not Edward would break down and eat Bella? Bella being someone he actively liked, not just some stranger? So far, my impression of the Cullen children as a whole is most assuredly not a good one.
--Oh, Edward glowered. I doubt he glowered like the sky, though.
--STOP CALLING HIM THE ADONIS. YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF.
--Jesus, I hate Bella. “Oh, telling my dad, ZOMG, we can’t do that.” I think she doesn’t want to tell simply because she enjoys lying to Charlie. It’s a hobby of hers.
--Edward calls himself Bella’s boyfriend, and she immediately gets all whiny with the line that she thought they were something more. For once, I must thank Edward—Edward, thank you for not saying that she was your soulmate. I would’ve thrown the laptop across the room, which would’ve been very bad, because this laptop isn’t mine.
--“"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."” Ah, irony. Meyer doesn’t know it, but she’s damned good at it!
--“"I'll always want you," I warned him. "Forever."” Okay. At this point, Bella promptly surpassed Edward for the Creepy Line Award. That is creepy.
--Is it wrong that the sick part of me keeps thinking that, at some point, Edward, in a crazed, hungry, and virginal state, is going to growl, “Bella, I’m gonna fuck you, then I’m gonna eat you, then I’m gonna fuck you again”? Because, given with how he keeps alluding to the fact that he is continually torn between being sexually attracted to her and…erm…having a predatory attraction to her, it’s gotta happen at some point.
--Edward’s breath is quickening? Um…he doesn’t need to breathe. He usually doesn’t breathe. But, hey, quick breathing is the polite way to allude to a male being aroused by a female. Can’t just say that Edward pitched a tent and invited Bella in—wouldn’t be appropriate.
--He kissed her…and she fainted. I—no. Absolutely not. Now you’re reminding me of Kinsfire and his dreck. He often had females passing out when romantically entwined with their lovers as well. Oh, and he’s also the same guy who had Harry make Hermione orgasm by kissing her nipples.
--“"I'm very partial to that color with your skin," he offered unexpectedly.” Sorry, just a random thought jumped into my head at that sentence. I’m hoping that, when I read Breaking Dawn and it’s the wedding night, Edward very quietly says, “Bella, if you love me—and I know you do—you’ll let me pour beef gravy on you before we do it.” Don’t know where it came from, but, there you go.
--Edward is freaking me out—he really wants her to be afraid. That whole “say my name, bitch” thing in the Twilight trailer seems very spot-on.
--“"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"
"That's right," I answered immediately, hiding my surprise at his casual use of the word.
He shook his head. "You're incredible."” No—just stupid. She’s going right into the lions’ den (hur hur, I can say that, remember the lion and lamb quote from earlier), and is just completely and utterly fine with it. That is seriously not being brave. That is being INCREDIBLY STUPID. To not be afraid at all and go striding into the midst of a bunch of predators is not brave. Bravery is the conquering of your fear—if you don’t have any fear at all, you are completely unaware of the situation.
--Ah, so we finally see the house where Edward does all his scrapbooking. I hope Emmett remembered to rinse the soap. Wouldn’t want Bella to think they’re living like animals.
--They live in a glass house with white walls. For perfect vampires, they sure have poor taste.
--“"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too." And I was. It was like meeting a fairy tale — Snow White, in the flesh.” Bella is so damned shallow.
--Hmm—I hope Alice becomes more awesome later. My initial impression of her is a little too bubbly and bright and, well, intrusive at the moment.
--“She spoke with feeling, and I realized that she thought I was brave.” What next, Bella—you gonna interpret her words to mean she thinks you’re just sooooo beautiful?
--“I also realized that Rosalie and Emmett were nowhere to be seen, and I remembered Edward's too-innocent denial when I'd asked him if the others didn't like me.” Come on—anyone who’s read “Growing Up Cullen” knows that those two are either too busy having sex in Edward’s car, or Rosalie refuses to have anything to do with Edward’s obsession and Emmett’s playing X-Box in his underwear.
--“She'd put me through lessons, of course, but like most kids, I whined until she let me quit.” This seems to be a running theme—I remember her whining until she gets her way several times.
--“"You inspired this one," he said softly. The music grew unbearably sweet.” How right you are, Meyer. It is unbearably sweet. In fact, it is so sweet, I think every single one of my teeth just rotted right out of my mouth and I just got diabetes mellitus.
--“All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when Carlisle changed me…” Edward, just say it like it is—she thought you were gay. I, for one, am inclined to agree.
--“"Finally, a rational response!" he murmured. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."” Again, folks, let’s give Meyer a hand for her brilliant use of irony!
--Well, it’s confirmed. Edward is Cartman from South Park. Bella’s tears are so delicious.
--If Carlisle just celebrated a specific birthday, how come he doesn’t know what year he was born?
--I actually have no more complaints for this chapter—learning about Carlisle is actually quite interesting, because a) Bella is keeping mostly quiet, and b) Edward is not being creepy. And, seeing the title of the next chapter, I’m for once actually looking forward to reading what’s next.
Chapter 16 – Carlisle
--How come you know your heart has an audible reaction to Edward touching you?
--“I was intrigued, rather than frightened, as I perhaps should have been.” This is Bella’s response to Edward informing her that, at one point in his life, he was basically off eating people. EATING PEOPLE. And not even with any fava beans and Chianti—he was chugging straight from the carton. He asks her why it doesn’t repulse her. Her answer? “"I guess… it sounds reasonable."” *slaps Bella* I know for a FACT that somebody tries to eat you in this story, I’m just waiting for it to happen—and when it does, I have every intention of throwing that line right back into your stupid, STUPID face!!!
--“The western wall was completely covered with shelf after shelf of CDs.” Okay. I really shouldn’t have read “Growing Up Cullen” before I’d finished this project. I really shouldn’t have. I keep wanting to reference it.
--And then Edward goes and says something that actively makes it canon—he totally organizes his CDs in a specific way, and now I’m gonna keep waiting for Emmett to show up and screw it up just to piss Edward off.
--“"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced.” ‘Kay…still totally unsure about Alice.
--Now I get to watch a baseball game. AND I STILL CAN’T FIND ANY GODDAMNED PLOT!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MEYER???!!!! MONEY????!!!! I’LL BE GIVING YOU MONEY THIS FRIDAY!!!! JUST PLEASE GIVE ME A FRICKIN’ PLOT!!!!
Chapter 17 – The Game
--Somebody comes to try and insert himself in any way between his and Bella’s unending love? Edward goes TOTAL MAXIMUM FIREPOWER. He’s a freaky bastard.
--There, right there, is something I have seen in the trailers that is making me think that the writers of the movie knew what they were dealing with and did their best to make it better. All I’ve seen Bella and Edward do when it comes to intimacy are soft, chaste kisses. They hug sometimes, too. Even in the intimacy of a bedroom, it’s just safe-distance cuddling. I think the writers for the movie knew that would never sell for a romance—so, from what I’ve seen, there is makey-outy and heavy petting involved. Which, even though it makes me gag, it’s hella more believable than what Meyer wrote.
--“"It's not my business," he said. "But it may be Charlie's."
"Though it would be my business, again, whether or not I think that it's Charlie's business, right?"” Yes, Bella. It’s always ultimately the child’s decision about what the parents should know or not know about their lives. *kicks Bella right in the ass* YOU FUCKING BRAT.
--And yet again, to “cleverly” throw us off the scent, Meyer has Bella promptly and quickly forget about what just happened. Billy seems to know more about Edward than he lets on—most people just think they’re weirdos, Billy seems to think they are dangerous. And yet Bella doesn’t dwell on it for even a moment. Nope—she’s gotta decide on what she should wear to the baseball game! I swear to God, Meyer HAD to have read Airhead!
--Gah! I just got broadsided by an incidental character! I didn’t even think they existed anymore!
--Hmm. So, Charlie is thundering about Edward. Though you wouldn’t know it, from the punctuation.
--Oh yes, Bella. How DARE Charlie want to know where a boy is taking his daughter, given that he just now found out that she’s even dating one. He should just accept that you’re going out with him and be fine with whatever you do. In fact, it’s none of his business that you’re dating him at all! He should just butt right the hell out of your life! I mean, who does he think he is—your father, or something?!
--Okay. Emmett’s big jeep pretty much reduced me to helpless giggles—because all I could think about was the monster truck in Road House, and then started imagining a scene where Dalton totally kicked Edward’s ass…
--Guh—and suddenly, we go from Charlie’s house to the edge of the woods in almost one single sentence. I have a headache.
--*giggling* Bella is riding him like a pony.
--Edward is hazardous to her health. Everything he does causes her heart to go crazy and her breath to vanish. And I do mean everything. And here he was just worried about eating her.
--Okay. I’m sure the baseball game was so awesome in Meyer’s head, but I’d like to point out something that makes it very stupid—‘sides the obvious, of course, that being that it’s almost entirely pointless. Meyer? If they are hitting the ball that hard, hard enough that it sounds like thunder…the equipment would be completely ruined. No baseball bat is going to survive that hit, and the ball isn’t going to look particularly good, either. Perhaps they bit the bat and ball before they started playing and turned them into vampire sporting equipment. And, of course, I’m just reminded of “Growing Up Cullen” again where Edward and Emmett are playing pool and Emmett hits the cue ball too hard and it explodes and Edward promptly flounces.
--Carlisle, I want to like you. I really do. I think you’re an awesome guy, you have an awesome history. But that was the dumbest thing ever. Three vampires are showing up that obviously eat humans. You have a human among you. And your reaction? “Let’s just keep playing!” No effort to get Bella out of there at all. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
--*looks around* Hmm…what’s that shadow that suddenly appeared all around me that appears to slowly be getting bigger— *rest of sentence is cut off as an elephant with the word “PLOT” painted on its side lands on Mervin and squashes her*
--OH, WHAT A DRAMATIC ENDING TO AN ENTIRELY POINTLESS CHAPTER. WHATEVER SHALL I DO?! I SURELY MUST KEEP READING!!! Well, fuck you, Meyer. You decide to inject plot now, eh? Well, I’m just gonna close the pdf and go to bed. That’ll teach you.
What can I say? Two of these chapters were actually relatively neat. Carlisle is ten times more interesting than Edward, and I’d love to see more of him. He could be a potentially awesome character. I say potentially, because I most assuredly have not forgotten about his decision to keep playing baseball when he senses deadly vampires are approaching. However, my interest in Carlisle does prove yet again that, in better hands, the Twilight series could’ve been something honestly interesting and a pretty good read with good characters, a fascinating mystery, and a little romance. But, no—instead, we get Meyer’s wet dream. And it is a wet dream—she dreamed this, after all.
The third chapter of this installment, on the other hand…
Remember that elephant? Yeah. Actually, let’s keep with the description that this is a car wreck you can’t look away from. The endings to some of these chapters are as if the author braked too hard and you nearly felt yourself fly through the windshield. Her time hiccups are as if you were taking a turn too hard, and you wind up leaning out of your car door, clinging to your seatbelt. But the injection of plot? Yeah, you just had a head-on collision with it that you never saw coming because you’d accidentally fallen asleep at the wheel as a result of all the booze you’d chugged to try and dull the pain of the novel you’d just slogged through. I swear, this is Airhead. It’s AIRHEAD. And Hyde tells me the similarities only get worse. Considering this was published after Airhead was well and finished, it makes me wonder if Meyer didn’t read Airhead and promptly plagiarize.
I also notice that Meyer took it upon herself to take a character I genuinely liked—Charlie—and turning him into a flat piece of cardboard once she’d reached Bella and Edward’s relationship. A good writer gently and reasonably fades characters out of the story that are no longer important—it happens, and, while you may miss them if you liked them, you understand why they went away. HOWEVER, Charlie is not a character that can be easily faded out of the story because he is BELLA’S FATHER. Bella is not an orphan. Bella is not the daughter of a drunk who doesn’t give two shits about what his daughter does. Charlie was making an honest effort to be part of her life early on in this book, and he appears to still be trying now by showing concern and interest in who she happened to choose for a boyfriend. You don’t just write out a person’s FATHER. However, Meyer can’t be arsed to worry about Charlie—I’m sure that, once Bella finally starts to realize that being a vampire would just be the most awesome thing ever, Charlie will totally drop off of the face of the earth, because how can she possibly be an awesome vampire with baggage like a father?
Overall, I don’t have too many complaints with these chapters, save for the usual complaints and a few continuity errors. However, expect the next chapters to be fraught with complaints. I’ve skimmed them already—and they’re stupid.
*Hyde explained to me the cables thing. It was Charlie trying to make sure she didn’t sneak out. Thank you, Hyde. I still maintain that that is related to Edward being Creepy, as he takes out her car engine in Eclipse.
Stinger: “"Finally, a rational response!" he murmured. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."”
( Chapter 18 - The Hunt )
Curiosity got the better of me—I went to check out the Twilight section of ff.net. And you know what? That section features the biggest bunch of dumbasses ever. I know what they mean when they claim Twilight is the next Harry Potter. When it comes to fandom? Yes. Yes, they are. I mean, just look at this.
Dancing on Thin Ice by Wait For The Stars
Bella's a dancer. Edward Cullen is a famous figure skater, who's looking for a partner. They meet, and find they work perfectly together. While teaching Bella to skate and Edward to dance, the hate-love-more-hate relationship might become something bigger
*pinches bridge of her nose*
So! You know I can’t go one of these without linking to something that once again shows how totally awesome Robert Pattinson is, right? Well, this time around, I’m getting two for the price of one. I have a feeling most of the people who are reading along will have already seen both of these, but, hey—I haven’t, and so I am sharing.
Part I of an Interview: Robert Pattinson recalls an interesting request from a seven-year-old girl. Normally, I’d just be horrified. But his impressions…OMG, his impressions.
Part II of an Interview: Robert Pattinson proves his statement that people he doesn’t know remind him that he is, in fact, getting married to them that Friday. Seriously—how the hell is he not completely and utterly driven mad at this point?
So, on that note, Robert Pattinson is awesome, and the people who love him because he is Edward are COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BATSHIT INSANE. I leave you with this quote from that wonderful, wonderful man.
“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108-year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.”
Never change, RPattz. Never change.