Anyway, on with the show!
Me: So, onward we go into Year Two—chapter twelve for those wondering where we are by ff.net standards, chapter eleven if we don’t count the prologue, which, if you all will recall, was very angsty. Things the author has changed thus far? Holly Potter, our angsty little heroine, is very angsty and is a Slytherin instead of a Gryffindor. The Slytherins can do no wrong, save Draco Malfoy, who was quickly elevated to do no wrong status after chapter ten. She, naturally, automatically knew it was Quirrell, unlike that dorkwad Harry, who thought it was Snape. And how did Holly know? Well, you see, she’s a telepath. You know, the one that Harry never was. We are always reminded of Holly’s noncanonical ability, fortunately, to make sure we don’t forget how awesome she is because of her ability. I also decided to run Holly thus far through my own Litmus Test—you know, the honking huge one that has yet to go through it’s renovations (which I plan to start soon) and may post on my LJ for storage. Her score? 18,000, which is classified as just over the “kill it” limit. Impressive for only one year. I shall rescore her after second year, too, so don’t worry—her score can only climb. Not to mention what will happen when she starts venturing into the other sections that she didn’t get scored in, like the romance sections.
Anyway—I think it’s high time we moved forward and started this script. Maybe I’ll work up enough energy to spork something—that is, if it’s worth sporking. I have my doubts—scripting this is hard enough without falling asleep. And I’m sure you all have such burning questions like will the author learn the meaning of suspense? How many other things will the Slytherins get away with? How many more of Slytherin’s negative traits will she lump on Oliver Wood? How many more times will we have to mention how Holly is not used to human contact? Can Blaise get any creepier?
So. Moving forward. We open up with a fairly large quote that I would normally spork, being this large, but…err…it’s boring. I can’t make funny out of boring.
Holly Potter was having a decidedly wretched summer. Oh, it hadn’t began that way. In fact, it had started out rather well.
At first, her relatives, the Dursleys of Number Four, Privet Drive, were far too afraid of her to even look in her direction. As such, the Slytherin had happily finished her summer assignments for school, in the first week no less, and had read books to her little heart’s content. She had joyfully written her school mates and other correspondents, Hagrid and Remus Lupin. Even the fact that she had yet to receive a reply from anyone could not dissuade her happy mood.
This had sadly all changed a month into break. It was just days after her birthday, one in which she received no presents, when she came across a strange creature just outside the house. This being, which Holly later discovered was a demented house-elf, plus some taunting from Dudley with a dinner party thrown in all managed to cumulate in the girl receiving a warning from the Ministry when she hadn’t even used her wand. From this, her lovely relatives had discovered that she wasn’t allowed to do magic during the summer and had all but thrown her in her room, locking her inside.
Thankfully, she had a few of her books with her. Still, she desired to leave her room, if only to go to the loo, shower, and eat. It also didn’t help that she had read all of her books several times, and she longed to venture to the library a few streets over, which she hadn’t had a chance to visit this summer.
Nevertheless, Holly’s wretched time took a decided turn upward late one night, just short of a week into her imprisonment. That night, she was dreaming that she was caged animal in the zoo, only to wake and find the Weasley brothers outside of her window. It took a few minutes for her brain to register what she was seeing, but after pinching herself quite hard, she finally concluded that she was indeed witnessing a flying car.
Yep. The first two chapters are completely summarized in a few paragraphs. We get none of the plot detail, no nothing, which leads me to wonder—Lucius Malfoy gave the horcrux to Ginny Weasley in this year. Just how is she going to explain that away, I wonder? What is she going to do to Lucius’s character now? Lucius Malfoy was a delightfully slimy man with an awesome pimpcane in canon. Just what is he going to be like in this one?
Also, she’s having a much better time of it than Harry, but still gets to complain about it. I hate her.
Fred and George: We’ve come to rescue you!
Author: To remind the audience that Holly is, in fact, a Slytherin, I call her “the Slytherin.”
Holly: *jumps out of bed in only a nightdress*
Me: *dangerously* That had better be merely his canon self, and not what I think you’re implying, you rotten little bitch. Because if it is, I will write a fic involving your death, and then you’ll be sorry. *is feeling extremely bitter and petty now*
Fred and George: We’ll get your things.
Holly: But careful because some of the stairs creek.
Me: *snorts* Do they, now? I thought perhaps they channeled, or maybe straited.
Fred and George: Oh, you’d already gotten the lock unlocked, because you are obviously cooler and more awesome than Harry ever was. Doesn’t explain why you didn’t try to leave, or go somewhere, considering you’re a Slytherin and Slytherins are supposed to be cunning and ambitious, it would make sense that you would try and escape and send a letter to someone to come pick you up and save you from your wretched relatives, but whatever. *leave to fetch her things*
Holly: Now I must change, but first I’ll make a huge production out of getting Ron to turn his back so I can do that. Oh, and I am not about to forget mentioning the bruises all over my back!
Me: Because where would we be without you mentioning something angsty, you irritating little bint?
Holly: I’m also awesome that I don’t forget Hedwig so she doesn’t screech in protest. Which, while it does make me awesome, was rather pointless, considering that’s what woke the Dursleys up before and they wake up anyway. But hey—I know you all love reading about my awesomeness that makes me more awesome than Harry! We escape! Yay! Summarized version of me relating the story to the Weasleys, and then we can move onto more plot.
Ron: What did you say it was that appeared in your room?
Holly: Some crazed creature.
Me: ELEVEN YEAR OLDS DO NOT TALK THAT WAY. Oh, and Holly sounds a little…I dunno, prejudiced. She sounds very dismissive and arrogant towards House-Elves in general right now. Wonder if that was intentional.
Holly: *explains Dobby to the Weasleys and sounds very condescending about it*
Fred and George: *explain House-Elves to Holly, including that some people abuse their House-Elves*
Me: People like, oh, Lucius Malfoy…
Holly: Oh, I can totally relate to those abused House-Elves…
Me: I don’t see your head mounted on a wall, little missy. Which is unfortunate, to be sure, but still…
Holly: *passionately declares that magical races used to be equal*
Me: Then why were you so frickin’ dismissive condescending to Dobby?
And I have to leave this in. It’s…it’s sickening.
They landed the car gently just outside what appeared to be a pigpen that had several storeys and rooms added here, there, and everywhere. It was, undoubtedly, held up by magic. The girl actually liked the Weasley home, however strange and messy its appearance, because it was everything the Dursley home was not.
She called the Weasley household a pigpen. Oh, she tried to cover up and say how much she liked it, but I’m not fooled. No, you called the Weasleys, who are poor and have to make do with what the have, pigs. You are no better than canon!Draco Malfoy. I agree entirely—you are a Slytherin. A prejudiced, stuck-up, pompous little Slytherin who needs to be taken down a few notches.
Holly: *stoutly bears Mrs. Weasley’s company*
Me: My hatred of you knows no bounds, you know. Seriously. I am totally writing that fic where you die as soon as I possibly can. It’s going to be short and sweet and to the point and might involve Sands, and you will die. You deserve to die. You are a miserable excuse for a character, and you do nothing but bash characters you hate and then expect me to like you for it.
Canon: *is summed up until Ron takes her up to Ginny’s room to sleep*
Ron: I know it isn’t much.
Holly: Oh, I think it’s brilliant, and I wave my hand to encompass the entire area and clearly meaning the house, not the bedroom.
Me: I hate you. I cannot get enough of saying that. I hate you.
Author: You knew I wouldn’t be able to go without doing it, Mervin. After all, I hate people like you, and live to torment you.
Me: You wouldn’t DARE!!!
Holly: Oh, Ron fancies me. How on earth do I hold up?
Me: That’s it. You’re dead. You are DEAD.
Blaise: *goes ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON in his letter about how worried he’d been about Holly and says things like “By Salazar” and “By the Maker”*
Me: Time for another quote.
Holly paused in her reading for a moment, bursting with guilt. Deep down, she had known it wasn’t her fault, but she had worried Blaise, her best friend, her first friend. He had thought that she was in danger or being mistreated by the Dursleys or possibly something worse, and it was making her feel incredibly horrible. She still wasn’t used to people caring for her, so she didn’t really know how to handle worry. Anger, she could managed. Fear, she could manage. Hate, she could definitely manage that.
But worry? Care? No, she didn’t have a clue about those.
You all getting this? She’s ANGSTY. She has an ANGSTY past, and it is ANGSTY, and therefore SHE is angsty. You all getting that? That penetrating your no doubt tiny minds, as you all aren’t Slytherin apologists like the author?
Blaise: I’m also inviting you to my house! Would you like to come? Owl me!
Me: Well, of course she’d rather stay with Blaise, and not the Weasleys. The Weasleys, oh, the put her out, and she is forced to endure their presence!
Holly: Oh, and now our book lists arrive! I, like Rose Potter, am immediately suspicious of Lockhart.
Mrs. Weasley: *declares that they will go get their school supplies, so she won’t have to worry about it while with Blaise*
Author: *continues to describe the Weasleys in the most unsavory terms as she can possibly muster*
Me: *darkly* You know, a “Slytherins are misunderstood” story loses all credit with me when you do nothing but BASH THE OTHER CHARACTERS.
Holly: And instead of inhaling soot, I start coughing because I hear Ron think how pretty I am. Oh, how do I hold up under all this…disgusting Weasley? I am also so cool I don’t fall on my face when I land.
Me: Rose Potter, anyone?
Holly: But I don’t know where I am! Random mention of Dursley angst, in case you missed it. And I am not horrified by what I see, but just mildly curious.
Me: Man, can you get anymore Rose Potter on us?
Holly: Oh, someone’s coming! And it’s Draco!
Me: Yes, Draco and his father—his father coming to sell things that are quite obviously Dark objects to the shop owner. Not to mention what Borgin said after Lucius left. But I’m sure the author will conveniently edit that out so not to besmirch Lucius’s “good name.” Because that’s what she does. She clips out the things she doesn’t like and that don’t fit the image she wants, the stupid hack.
Sorry—I’m lashing out at the author now. But I’ve read ahead, and what I saw was, to say the least, horrifying.
So, no sporking this chapter. I’m sorry about that. I try to make it a point to spork something every chapter. But…dammit, it’s so boring! How can you get mad at me for that, I ask you? Would you be able to spork something this boring? I don’t think so.
Oh, and question—just what the hell did the chapter title have anything to do with the actual chapter?