Me: Good thing this isn’t a fic by Neil—that title would’ve frightened me.
Hermione: Malfoy won’t stop picking on the Gryffindors!
Holly: Oh, he’ll stop soon—Fred and George are gonna beat his ass if he doesn’t. Tee hee, so funny!
Me: I see—so, whenever your ass is getting beaten by the Dursleys, it’s not funny, but when Draco’s ass is getting beaten by Fred and George, it’s funny as hell. I see. Double standard, much?
Conversation: *is inane*
Ron: *stomps in* Oliver Wood asked me to spy on the Slytherin Quidditch team! That pisses me the hell off!
Me: Err, the Quidditch teams all spy on each other—including the precious Slytherins. It’s just gauging how good they actually are.
Hermione: I’m sure that he didn’t mean it that way, Ronald. He just asked since you’re friends with Holly.
Me: That from the smartest witch of the year. Right. You’re an idiot—I guess the author’s just dumbing her down to make Holly the smartest witch instead.
Ron: He was muttering that we needed every advantage we could get, even if it meant spying on the other teams, and about how the other members of the House needed to get in the Quidditch spirit.
Me: *indignant* Excuse me, but that’s a Slytherin attitude, not a Gryffindor’s! Oliver Wood was very passionate about Quidditch, but he never asked anybody to cheat!
Blaise: Well, it means so much to us PERFECT, TOTALLY NON-CHEATING SLYTHERINS that you wouldn’t spy on us.
Me: I’ll bet you wanted to see more of Holly’s prophetic dreams again that Harry, being as uncool as he is, never had.
When she did finally fall asleep, she dreamed of a young man: a teenager with the deepest blue eyes she had ever seen. They were a dark colour, almost purple-black in their intensity. He was sitting in an empty Slytherin Common Room, reading out of one book and writing in another. He smirked and sneered and occasionally gave a true smile as he worked, but every now and then, he sat back and read through what he had written, absentmindedly twirling his wand.
I’m guessing that’s Tom Riddle. Who was evil, I might add, and out of his tiny mind. It kind of ran in the family.
Holly: *immediately dismisses it as her imagination*
Me: You know, it’s really dumb to say, “Look at this strange dream!” and then have the character say, “Fiddle-faddle!” and dismiss it. Because we all know it’s significant—so stop trying to throw dead herrings at us.
Pansy: Any new leads on the break-in at Gringotts?
Millicent, as I refuse by all my principles to call her “Milli”: Nope.
Daphne: They think that it was the work of Dark wizards or witches.
Theo: Typical, they always blame it on the Dark. Just once, I’d like to see them say it was Light witches and wizards unknown.
Me: Okay. Okay. Time out. That was just about the stupidest thing I think I have ever seen in my entire life. Let’s examine that statement again.
“They always blame it on the Dark.” Well, you know what? Dark Wizards and Witches are generally bad people. When someone is referred to as a Dark Wizard or Witch, it means they are willing to use Dark Magic without any source of remorse at all, which is BAD STUFF. It is never good to use Dark Magic, which is why DH is such a source of controversy given Harry’s use of it.
Also, just why would a Light Witch or Wizard—generally referred to as “the good guys”—be trying to rob a bank? There’s a reason they blame it on the Dark—because they knew Dark Magic had been used, maybe? And that means a Dark Witch or Wizard? Did you ever think of that? Gringotts is a veritable fortress—it’s got guard dragons, for cripe’s sake—it takes a lot to break in there, and, as we’ve seen, you have to use Dark Magic to get in!
Conversation: *sums up canon to invariably hit that Holly saw the vault emptied*
Gavin: I wonder if this has anything to do with the three-headed dog on the third floor!
Me: Oh boy. Looks like the author is resorting to using other characters for her infodumps instead of Hermione.
Theo: Yes, Gavin and I heard some older Slytherins talking about it who’d gone to take a peek.
Pansy: *only gets mad at Gavin for not telling everybody about it*
Me: Because, after all, getting mad at another Slytherin would be in bad taste.
Flint: *gives a pep talk—mentions Adrien Pucey*
Me: Wait a second—Adrien Pucey? I completely forgot—he was the Slytherin Seeker! Slytherin already had a Seeker! They didn’t need Holly at all! Why, that little bitch, stealing his spot on the Quidditch team!
Author: Don’t worry, I just switched him to Chaser, and I can do that because it’s AU!
Me: Don’t test me, Author—I’ve read ahead and I know exactly what you do to Oliver Wood’s character. Let’s just get through this Quidditch match, shall we?
Holly: Oh, look, Flint is trying to break Wood’s fingers while they shake hands. But I understand the reasoning behind the action.
Me: Oh, you little bitch. Keep this in mind as we go along, would you? It’s very important.
Holly: I spot the Snitch! It’s inches from my fingers!
Oliver: *cheats and slams into Holly to prevent her from getting the Snitch*
Me: And that, ladies and gentlemen, pisses me the hell off.
Oliver Wood was intense about Quidditch. But he never, ever cheated. He played an honest game. The people who did cheat were the SLYTHERINS. Because they were willing to do anything to get ahead, if people would keep that in mind! If this STUPID, STUPID AUTHOR WOULD KEEP THAT IN MIND!!! Congratulations, Author—you made me lash out at you. You pissed me off with your foisting Slytherin traits off on Oliver Wood just to make sure your precious Slytherins maintain a good image.
Broom: *goes mad*
Oliver: *tries to cheat again while that’s going on*
Me: That’s what the SLYTHERINS did when Harry’s broom went mad! Not what the Gryffindors did! STOP SWITCHING THE TWO JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, WOULD YOU???!!!! IT IS CANON THAT THE SLYTHERINS CHEATED!!! NOT THE GRYFFINDORS!!! STOP DOING THAT!!!!
Blaise: I immediately notice that Snape and Quirrell are muttering either a counter-curse or a curse! I has to be Quirrell, since Snape would never curse a member of his own House. We’re that brilliant about all this.
Me: *yawns* Yeah, yeah, the dead herring is dead.
Blaise and Millicent: *knock Quirrell from his seat*
Hermione: *sets Snape on fire*
Holly: *regained her seat on her broom but plummeted to the ground*
Me: You know, this author’s writing style really sucks.
Holly: *catches the Snitch*
Me: I’m going to leave this section in, because it’s so irritating.
After several minutes, having finally responded to everyone, they began to move off. The girl breathed a heavily sigh of relief, but she instantly stiffened and whirled around as she felt two more presences approaching quickly. Her eyes only had time to register two red and gold blobs descending from the sky before she found herself with a face full of robe.
Holly had finally gotten rid of her team, only to be accosted by Fred and George Weasley.
She hurriedly shooed the overly dramatic twins off of her, fighting the urge to wince the entire time.
You know what? I’m so sick of her wincing every time people display affection for her. She should be like Snape in that regard—affection-starved. But no, any sort of affection and we have to be reminded about oh, she was abused and it’s so dreadful and how does she hold up. Well, it sucks balls. It’s horrible, it’s annoying, and merely makes her come off as stuck-up and self-absorbed. Which she is, but that’s not the point.
Fred and George: We were so worried! We thought you had been hurt!
Me: One last section to leave in.
Never before had anyone been so concerned with her welfare. No one, including the Dursleys, had ever really cared if she lived or died.
They nodded sombrely and clapped her on the shoulder; she tried not to recoil.
Suddenly, they both grinned.
“Great catch, by the way,” George stated unexpectedly.
“Yeah, smashing job,” Fred assured her.
“If only you had been in Gryffindor,” they said together. “We could use a Seeker like you.” The twins leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “Jones’s rubbish as a player. He’s only on the team because he’s Wood’s cousin and nobody else is any good either.”
Oh, for the love of—HOW MANY OF SLYTHERIN’S CANON QUIDDITCH TRAITS ARE YOU GONNA LUMP ON POOR OLIVER WOOD BEFORE YOU’RE DONE, HMM? I WANT TO KNOW, SO I CAN PREPARE MYSELF FOR MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT. Not to mention how many more times you’re gonna constantly have her recoil, flinch, stiffen, or wince from human contact. I’m getting seriously tired of it. Seriously tired of it. So tired of it I may have to destroy Tokyo again, and soon.
Holly: Fred, George, distract everybody who’s coming to talk to me—I see Draco and must talk to him! Hello, Draco.
Draco: I fart around and act hesitant.
Everybody else: *arrives and fusses over Holly*
Gavin: *is hovering about nervously for some reason that is never explained*
Blaise: *glomps Holly constantly*
Holly: *winces, flinches, shies away, and stiffens all within four sentences*
Me: That’s it. *DESTROYS DOWNTOWN TOKYO WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE* Sorry, Tokyo, but Mervzilla MUST BE SATISFIED!!!!
Blaise and Holly: *have a potentially romantic moment*
Me: That’s vile—they’re eleven!
Draco: I remain behind.
Holly: Well, it’s a start.
Me: If only I could say the same about this fic.