Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

I saw this on Amazon.com....

...and just had to bring it here to spork. This is a summary that someone provided for Twilight. I'm gonna hazard a guess and say that Hillias J. Martin of the New York Public Library never actually READ this book before setting out to write this.



Headstrong, sun-loving, 17-year-old Bella

HEADSTRONG? Where in the hell did you get THAT?

declines her mom's invitation to move to Florida, and instead reluctantly opts to move to her dad's cabin

Charlie does not live in a cabin. He lives in a perfectly normal two-story house.

in the dreary, rainy town of Forks, WA. She becomes intrigued with Edward Cullen, a distant, stylish, and disarmingly handsome senior,

He was a JUNIOR, just like Bella was, otherwise they never would've had their class together.

who is also a vampire. When he reveals that his specific clan hunts wildlife instead of humans, Bella deduces that she is safe from his blood-sucking instincts

She never deduced that and she never cared. It was always made clear that she was supposed to be in danger from his desire to eat her like a hot fudge sundae, and she always did her best to throw herself in the WAY of that danger.

and therefore free to fall hopelessly in love with him.

She supposedly did that before she even found out he didn't eat animals! And even if they were people-eaters, SHE WOULDN'T CARE! Rather, she DOESN'T care!


He sighed, seeming reluctant to answer. “Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence — about ten years after I was… born… created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn’t sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time.”

“Really?” I was intrigued, rather than frightened, as I perhaps should have been. He could tell. I vaguely realized that we were headed up the next flight of stairs, but I wasn’t paying much attention to my surroundings.

“That doesn’t repulse you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I guess… it sounds reasonable.”

Twilight, Chapter 16 "Carlisle"



I thought about what Jacob had said early this morning, about hypocrisy. I thought about that for a long time. I didn’t like to think that I was a hypocrite, only what was the point of lying to myself?

I curled into a tight ball. No, Edward wasn’t a killer. Even in his darker past, he’d never been a murderer of innocents, at least.

But what if he had been? What if, during the time I that I’d known him, he’d been just like any other vampire? What if people had been disappearing from the woods, just like now? Would that have kept me away from him?

I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

New Moon, Chapter 14 "Family"



“Human blood makes us the strongest, though only fractionally. Jasper’s been thinking about cheating — adverse as he is to the idea, he’s nothing if not practical — but he won’t suggest it. He knows what Carlisle will say.”

“Would that help?” I asked quietly.

“It doesn’t matter. We aren’t going to change who we are.”

I frowned. If something helped even the odds… and then I shuddered, realizing I was willing to have a stranger die to protect him. I was horrified at myself, but not entirely able to deny it, either.

Eclipse, Chapter 14 "Declaration"



“Now, of course, it might be too late for me, even if you are right about my soul.”

“No, it isn’t,” I argued angrily.

“‘Thou shalt not kill’ is commonly accepted by most major belief systems. And I’ve killed a lot of people, Bella.”

“Only the bad ones.”

Eclipse, Chapter 20 "Compromise"



The Cullens’ enormous house was more crowded with guests than anyone would assume could possibly be comfortable. It only worked out because none of the visitors slept. Mealtimes were dicey, though. Our company cooperated as best they could. They gave Forks and La Push a wide berth, only hunting out of state; Edward was a gracious host, lending out his cars as needed without so much as a wince. The compromise made me very uncomfortable, though I tried to tell myself that they’d all be hunting somewhere in the world, regardless.

Breaking Dawn, Chapter 32 "Company"



The return trip took me less time. The night was black, and so I turned off my headlights and floored it. When I got back to the house, most of the cars, including Alice’s Porsche and my Ferrari, were missing. The traditional vampires were going as far away as possible to satiate their thirst. I tried not to think of their hunting in the night, cringing at the mental picture of their victims.

Breaking Dawn, Chapter 35 "Deadline"


I don't think I need to say another fucking word on THAT.

The feeling is mutual, and the resulting volatile romance smolders as they attempt to hide Edward's identity from her family

More like hide the fact that they are dating at all. Meyer has a secrecy fetish.

and the rest of the school.

Because apparently, the Cullens weren't already DOING that.

(Granted, they really weren't, they don't hide their true selves AT ALL, but still. That one wasn't intended.)


Meyer adds an eerie new twist to the mismatched, star-crossed lovers theme: predator falls for prey, human falls for vampire.

Star-crossed means DOOMED. IT MEANS DOOMED. WHEN DID THE MEANING GET LOST? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

This tension strips away any pretense readers may have about the everyday teen romance novel, and kissing, touching, and talking take on an entirely new meaning

--because the kissing is entirely passionless, the touching is restricted to faces, and the only talking people do is if it involves huge infodumps, but if it's communication, NOBODY talks.

when one small mistake could be life-threatening.

Tell that to Bella, who routinely throws herself at Edward even though she KNOWS he has trouble with her scent.

Bella and Edward's struggle to make their relationship work becomes a struggle for survival,

No, it doesn't.

especially when vampires from an outside clan infiltrate the Cullen territory and head straight for her.

And that has nothing to DO with their relationship. They aren't trying to break them up or anything like that--one guy just wants to kill Bella. It's irritating that they try to make it all about the Edward/Bella relationship, because James probably would've caught her scent anyway and tracked her even if Edward hadn't met her.

As a result, the novel's danger-factor skyrockets

--for less than thirty percent of the book.

as the excitement of secret love and hushed affection morphs into a terrifying race to stay alive.

Morphs is right--that wild plotpoint came right the fuck out of nowhere.

Realistic, subtle, succinct, and easy to follow, Twilight will have readers dying to sink their teeth into it.

Yeah, I was pretty pissed off a couple of times when reading it--I did want to eat it in my rage.



So, yeah. Willing to bet this person didn't read it. But if they DID...

Well, I always ask if Twihards are reading the same book that I did. Now we know the answer--and that answer is NO.
Tags: public post, series: twilight, sporking
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