Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

If you thought Rose Potter was evil...

This section of the spork moved here, 'cause I never know when to shut up.



Let’s see how our young Padawans are training up with Moody, shall we? Oh, they’re evil. Nice work, Moody.

It took a further three days, just as Moody had predicted, for Stephen and Harry to master

Sands: —deep throating—

Mervin: I saw that coming.

Sands: Oh, did you?

Mervin: Shut up!


Apparition. It was exhausting work but very rewarding.

Sands: *laughs* Oh man, I’m awesome!

To Stephen it felt absolutely liberating,

Sands: —to wander around with no underwear!

Mervin: After all the Hogwarts Exposed I’ve read, that’s just not funny.


to think that he no longer needed a car, train, or broomstick to get from point A to point B.

Sands: There are more places than the back seat to do that, son.

Of course Apparition was impossible on the Hogwarts grounds, due to the protective anti-apparition sphere that surrounded the school.

Mervin: That doesn’t stop Rose Potter.

The closest point from which a person could Apparate was the Hogsmeade Train platform, which was still a decent length walk, but could be reached by broomstick in under a minute.

Mervin: That is a very fast broomstick.

Dumbledore had also started Stephen’s Consiliamancy lessons that Wednesday, when Stephen insisted he felt strong enough after the day’s apparition training.

Sands: That is no surprise, seeing as it took him FOUR DAYS to learn how to do it—it must be the easiest thing in the world.

Mervin: Even pre-HBP, surely this moron would’ve understood that it takes a while to learn how to do that sort of thing, what with having to have a test and all…


Twenty minutes in he was starting to wish he had jumped in bed instead. It was incredibly difficult.

Sands: It’s gonna take him a whole two weeks to get perfect at it this time!

They were in a large empty classroom and Dumbledore had blindfolded Stephen,

Mervin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there!

Sands: Hell, yes! This is gonna be great! When do I get a turn?!


then proceeded to spin him around in circles till he had lost all bearing of where was what.

Mervin: Now we hang the piñata…

“We are not training your other five senses Stephen, we are training your...magical sense.

Sands: So, you took away his eyes, but left his ears, nose, and hands left. That’s hardly suppressing all of the other five senses, and I’m living proof that blindness is hardly a handicap.

You need to learn to rely on it,” explained Dumbledore before Stephen could raise any objection.

Sands: Yeah, this guy’s enough of an asshole to object to Dumbledore’s training methods.

To practice Consiliamancy a person had to maintain a defocused state of mind, soul and heart.

Mervin: And that’s really stupid.

A person had to be totally open and receptive to anything.

Sands: So, sex with animals?

In this case however, Stephen had to be receptive with his

Sands: —cock.

magic.

By the end of the two-hour session,

Mervin: —his arse was so sore he couldn’t sit down.

Sands: And you scold me when I say stuff like that.

Mervin: It’s kind of like how it’s okay when you say stuff about your sockets but not when I do.

Sands: That doesn’t count.


Stephen could reproduce the same effect as what happened in the Great Hall, at will. No matter how much Dumbledore repositioned himself

Sands: —it still felt like he was being reamed out with a hose attachment.

Mervin: Sands, you are talking like you have a death wish. Fortunately, you’re in luck—I have a murder-wish. *strangles him*


or no matter how much Stephen was disorientated, he could always find the old wizard.

Sands: So, this version of empathy is basically a complicated and magical game of Marco Polo.

There was an embarrassing moment however when Stephen focused his mind solely on the powerful magical essence of Dumbledore. It happened almost involuntarily.

Mervin: (Moon): Mmm…naked Umbridge… *licks lips*

Stephen had wondered how the Headmaster retained such a youthful energy at such an advanced age.

Sands: Viagra.

This caused his mind to unwittingly probe the Headmaster.

Mervin: *chokes*

Sands: *howls with laughter* That makes my previous comment all the better!!!


It did not matter much, because Dumbledore’s mind seemed as if shrouded in a huge elastic cloak,

Sands: AND IT JUST GETS BETTER!!! *falls out of his chair with laughter*

totally impossible to penetrate.

Mervin: I’ll join you now. *cackles madly*

Sands: I—can’t breathe!!! *crawls weakly back into his chair*


This also meant that the Headmaster did sense the attempt.

Sands: Yes, he barely felt it, but knew it was happening.

“Now, now, Stephen, such curiosity about my age?” the amusement in Dumbledore’s voice was extreme.

Mervin: I thought this was a form of empathy, not mind-reading.

Sands: Eh, what’s the difference, so long as he gets to rummage through people’s minds like an old-clothes hamper and look totally awesome when he does it?


“Aargghh, Shit,”

Mervin: Well, that’s nice.

the young wizard ripped his blindfold off and closed his magical senses, “sorry Professor, my mind ran away with me in ten directions,” replied Stephen sheepishly.

Sands: Uh, how? You wondered about his age—that’s one direction. Did the author not tell us about the centerfolds you started thinking about?

“Be careful with that Stephen.

Mervin: No kidding—you piss him off, he’ll torture you.

You must be in control,” admonished Dumbledore,

Sands: (Dumbledore): Perfect, perfect, PERFECT!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!

“but don’t worry, that is what we will be working on next lesson.”

Stephen and Harry were looking forward to a nice break on Friday,

Sands: *obliges and breaks his legs*

they were sorely disappointed, and Moody was waiting in the Great Hall for them.

Mervin: Not only was that a terribly awkward sentence, but it was also a big fat gloss. I hate it.

“Do you think a Death Eater would wait till you are all trained up before he picks on you?” the Old Auror asked sarcastically.

Sands: I don’t think a DE would “pick on” anybody—and how come Harry and Co. did fine at the DoM without being all trained up?

Mervin: It still makes me laugh that this is exactly what Dumbledore wants to avoid from the Ministry—he’s afraid they’ll take Harry and turn him into their poster child and force him to train up and use him to defeat Voldemort.


Both young wizards grumpily ate

Sands: —each other—

their breakfast, while Dumbledore smirked in amusement. This only incensed both of them further.

Mervin: I think they need to work on their anger management, dude.

Sands: It’s intentional—if what you’re saying is true, Moody wants them good and hateful when they start working on that hideous Dark Magic.


After breakfast the two apprentices met Moody at the courtyard once again, where the customary rubber duck portkey was held out. It was not remotely funny anymore.

Mervin: It wasn’t funny in the first place.

They appeared in a huge circular room, with a domed ceiling about three floors up and the walls looked ancient and gothic.

Mervin: I hate Suethors who think gothic = old. They also do it to emphasize how cool things are.

Sands: I think they just like the word gothic.


The only lighting was coming from a skylight above and the torches mounted on the sidewalls. The floor was covered in a tiled mosaic, which formed a picture of a

Sands: —baboon—

simplified phoenix. On second glance as soon as Stephen’s eyes got used to the light, it looked like the walls all around were lined with shelves containing books and books and even more books.

Mervin: Oh, joy.

“Is this place what I think it is?” asked Harry, his voice echoing in the vast chamber.

Sands: (Moody): Yep. Dumbledore’s secret porn stash.

“Yip, did you really think that Dumbledore was the one who came up with the idea for the Order of the Phoenix?”

Mervin: Considering canon fucking SAYS he did, YES, I did think that.

the Auror sniffed from the dust, “he reinstated it in the Forties and still leads it, oh yes, but the Order truly first came together centuries ago. Whenever there has been a huge dark uprising, the Order was there.”

Sands: Ooo—the Wizarding Illuminati!

“So, it’s a counterpoint to the Death Eaters, in this case. As they operate in secret and subterfuge, so does the Order,” surmised Stephen.

Mervin: That would work, had Moody not said the following:

“Yes,” Answered Moody as he hung up his cloak, “here we will train you both up on dueling, the Auror, Hit-Wizard and the Order way. In other words there is no holds barred in what you learn here.

Sands: So. Death Eaters operate in secret and “subterfuge.” They also encourage torture, murder, violence, heartlessness, ruthlessness, and a means to any end. Tell me—what makes this Order so much better?

Mervin: They’re killing for truth and justice—the DEs are just killing for shits and giggles.


I am going to teach you first, the basics of dueling.”

Sands: (Moody): Aim your wand and kill. That’s all you need to know. Now go forth and make a horcrux.

Moody gestured with his wand and three rings of light surrounded Stephen on the floor, thereby forming concentric circles around him.

Sands: Then they cinched together and sliced him in half.

“Harry, the outermost circle, what do you think it represents?” asked Moody.

“Umm...

Mervin: (Not!Harry): …a round thing?

offensive spells...” answered Harry hesitantly.

“Yes. Well done. Why do you say that?”

Mervin: The author told him to.

“Because all the curses and hexes I know finishes with wand far away from the body.”

Sands: Oh, does they? That are so interesting.

Mervin: What is with this person’s aversion to proper verb usage?


Harry answered more comfortably, glancing at Stephen, who only nodded in agreement.

Mervin: —before continuing to pose and be the center of attention.

“Then it’s logical to surmise the inner ring is what? Stephen?” growled Moody, his magical eye doing a somersault in its socket.

Sands: The cockring, perhaps?

“Defensive spells,” answered Stephen shortly.

Mervin: There is no difference between “defensive” and “offensive” to this asshat, unfortunately. Everything is either “severely harm” or “kill.”

“Yes, and the third circle?” Stephen looked down and could only see two circles, then...

“Self-effecting spells. If a wizard was to cause an explosion or fire, you place a flame-freezing charm to protect yourself.”

Mervin: Is it just me, or does that make no sense?

Moody waved his wand and the three rings disappeared. He stood for a moment, as if contemplating.

Sands: (Canon!Moody): Speaking of fire… *incendios them both*

“OK, always categorize the curses and spells you have in this way. Now, first of all I am going to teach you three curses. The Unforgivables,”

Mervin: WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!

Sands: Holy shit—THAT’S basic dueling?!

Mervin: I…I honestly have nothing to say to that. It’s too much for me. I mean, talk about jumping right into killing their souls and making them heartless killing machines.


He said eyeing the two apprentices carefully, “you both did not flinch or object to the idea. Why not?”

Mervin: That’s easy. They’re evil.

Harry answered first without hesitation.

Sands: (Not!Harry): KILL DRINK THE BLOOD OF YOUNGLINGS BURNING FLESH MURDER THEY WILL ALL DIE DIE DIE BLOOD GORE KILL MAIM HARM BWAHAHAHA!!!!

“In dueling with Bellatrix Lestrange I tried to use the Cruciatus on her. I was angry for revenge and had immense hate towards her, I still do. My spell knocked her off her feet and hurt her badly, but only for two seconds. Apparently, justified intent of causing pain weakens the effect. I do not want the spell to work wrongly...next time.” Harry snarled.

Mervin: …oh my God. *is rather frightened now*

Sands: Righty. Let’s talk.

Halcyon. My name is Agent Sands. I kill people. The CIA knew they had a case on their hands when, after I killed my first, I did not report for counseling—didn’t need it. No guilt. Just satisfaction. I kill people. I torture people. I enjoy it greatly, and need absolutely no justification—sure, I like pretending (‘cause it’s so funny sometimes), but I know very well that my only reason for killing almost every time is because I want to. And guess what? I’m a bad guy. I’m a villain. I’m evil, and everybody involved with my creation has declared me either sociopathic or psychotic. Hint, sugarbutt—this is not a good thing.

Mervin: This…this guy honestly thinks that is good?! He—sorry, I just…I can’t find anything to say. That’s sick.


So the escaped Lestrange killed Harry’s Godfather. Stephen thought

“Both my brothers were killed by Death Eaters. To quote a muggle phrase: ‘does a person go to war without a rifle?”

Mervin: No, a person runs away to Canada.

Sands: He should’ve juiced it up with the Cold War method—does a person go to war without a B-52 and an A-Bomb?

Mervin: And does he ride it all the way down while waving a hat?

Sands: Mein Furhur, I can see!


Stephen’s eyes became two narrow slits,

Mervin: Just like Voldemort’s tend to do.

anger and determination flowing from them.

Sands: *drums his fingers against his chair* I don’t care. I’m takin’ em. Then he can see how it feels to have stuff flow out of his eyes.

Moody sighed and stared off into space.

Sands: And this is Moody, the guy who sees Dark Wizards in every shadow—and he’s fine with this? As if—he’d send those two off to Azkaban before they could blink.

“Fine. First comes the Imperius Curse. From what I hear, Harry is totally immune to it.

Mervin: (Moon): *cockily* Well, we’ll just see about that.

I don’t know how you, Stephen will react.” And without warning, Moody cast the Imperius curse on Stephen.

Sands: And made him jump out of a window.

All logical thought was gone, the bliss of non-thinking,

Mervin: Business as usual, hmm?

the state of the soul.

Sands: Oh, as if you have a soul.

Suddenly a voice instructed.

Mervin: …yes?

Attack Harry.” Stephen turned to Harry and was steadily advancing on the other apprentice

Sands: —and when he reached him, he threw him to the floor and had his way with him.

who already had his wand out and pointing it at Stephen.

Mervin: Go ahead, Harry—kill him. You know you want to, you little shit.

Suddenly, in Stephen’s subconscious, a small detail registered about the Imperius curse. It felt exactly like a meditation trance,

Mervin: Oh, God, I knew he’d bring in the martial arts.

that his sensei showed him how to do, except that his mind was not in charge.

Sands: His balls were.

Someone else was. So instead of willing to resist the curse, Stephen did the exact opposite and threw his own impulses to go along with the instructions and redirected the energies; a concept prevalent in many martial arts.

Sands: Well, aren’t you just sooooooo smart. I hate people who show off their ninja skills. No amount of your special moves can stop a bullet.

To say the effect was surprising would be an understatement.

Mervin: I’m not surprised at all, because you’re very predictable.

All thought returned in an instant to Stephen, but the curse was not lifted, instead he had thrown it back at Moody. Stephen turned back to Moody and told him to sit down on the floor.

Mervin: And he slides right into using it with no trouble at all. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, HALCYON???!!!!

But the old wizard was not an Auror for nothing; he resisted all attempts at instruction from Stephen and was standing stock-still. Moody seemed totally immobile however.

Sands: Oh sure. Harry can resist it entirely and throw it off at age fourteen, but Moody can’t. That’s great.

Finite.” Stephen jabbed his wand at the Auror, who blinked and frowned at the young Slytherin.

“What happened?” asked Harry excitedly.

Mervin: YOU’RE SICK!!! YOU’RE SICK!!! SICK!!!

Sands: I feel I must agree. I know psychos when I see ‘em—and he’s one. Both of ‘em are.


“Well, this young lad did something I never thought I’d live to see.

Mervin: This is very old.

He deflected the curse all right, but right back at me. For a while the curse was on me,” the Auror frowned speculatively at Stephen,

Sands: (Moody): Just how evil are you, anyway?

“see the Headmaster afterwards, tell him everything you can remember on how you did it, perhaps it could lead to more people being able to resist it.”

Mervin: That’s not resisting! What Harry can do is resisting! That’s USING it!

“Yes Sir. I’ll try.”

For the rest of the day, Stephen and Harry practiced the Imperious

Mervin: They do quite enough of that, the arrogant asses. We don’t need to hear about it.

on chipmunks and had them perform all sorts of funny antics like boxing matches, gymnastics, and chipmunk races.

Sands: Did this author just not see the part where the class laughed, and Moody didn’t?

Mervin: Well, that was an imposter—I’m sure the real Moody would’ve been laughing his ass off.


Then under Moody’s supervision they performed it on each other.

Sands: The oral sex!

It was rather hilarious to watch. Harry would cast Imperius, Stephen would throw it back after a moment, only for Harry to throw the curse off completely. Then Stephen would cast Imperius and have an interesting debate with Harry’s extremely strong will to get him to co-operate, only till he threw it off.

Mervin: *flatly* Yeah. That’s really funny. Hilarious. It’s so very funny that they can exert their will over people weaker than themselves and can make them do whatever they want.

Sands: *chuckling fondly* Reminds me of all the times I’ve done stuff like that.


The day ended with Moody happy with their proficiency.

Mervin: And not worried about the fact that they caught onto it in a DAY?

Saturday, they moved onto the Cruciatus Curse. Ouch!

Sands: Ouch. That’s how you describe it. Ouch. A curse that probably makes Guevara’s drill seem like dry eyes.

The key was to develop a total

Sands: —lack of gag reflex—

unnecessary want to cause as much pain as possible on the person or thing you are casting at, and to mean it,

Mervin: Unnecessary? WFT? The desire to cause pain is EXACTLY what makes that curse work, you dumb shit! Not just to want it, but to ENJOY it!!!

the fact that Harry and Stephen had been developing a good if tentative friendship was standing in the way of them properly cursing each other.

Mervin: Wait a minute—are they going to practice this curse ON EACH OTHER?

Sands: That’s what it sounds like, sugarpie.

Mervin: …Sands. Do you have anything?

Sands: Rinse and repeat my speech on how I enjoy killing things.


“Harry, I want us to agree now. Whatever we have to think to get this right...I won’t hold it against you,” Stephen stated, they both shook hands.

Mervin: WHY. AREN’T. THEY. USING. BUGS.

Sands: Nothing better than the real thing, honey. Killing bugs only offers so much pleasure—there is no thrill like that of taking the life of a human being. I should know.

Mervin: Yeah. You should. *points at Sands* DO YOU SEE THAT, AUTHOR? YOUR CHARACTERS ARE LIKE SANDS. THIS IS NOT A FLATTERING COMMENT.

Sands: Don’t compare me to these assclowns!


“Neither will I,” Harry nodded.

They stood about five meters apart, the domed room became as still as a cemetery.

Sands: I’m sensing some sick fetish of Moody’s, because he’s watching them do this.

Stephen imagined Harry as the Death Eater that killed Hugh.

Mervin: And then he blew him away and assumed the throne as the main focus of this fanon universe.

He ran this over and over in his mind, all his memories of the Manchester Massacre coming to the fore. Every inch of will was directed into this, this was the pain he wanted each and every Death Eater to feel; the pain of all their innocent victims.

Sands: That’s justified, hon. You want to cause pain because of what they did. Whoopsie.

Mervin: And this guy is supposed to be our hero.


Stephen jabbed his wand at HarryDeath Eater and bellowed in a terrible harsh voice.

Mervin: The Cruciatus curse involves an incantation. Shouting doesn’t cause it.

Crucio.” He meant every knife of pain that was now lashing into the Death Eater. Harry’s screams of agony resounded through the chamber.

Sands: And Moon popped a boner as a result.

Holding for a count of three, Stephen lifted the curse and Harry slumped to the floor on his knees.

Sands: Hot damn. Harry is supposed to be his friend and he not only managed to do it, but also held it on him for longer than was necessary.

Mervin: Not to mention he got it right on the first try. This author is giving me the creeps. He really is. He thinks this is good. This isn’t like Soulforger and all those Azkaban!Harry authors, who are intentionally writing him as an evil little avatar who runs around and does whatever he wants. No, this peckerwood thinks this is what makes a hero.


Five minutes later, both Stephen and Moody helped Harry on his feet.

“Your turn.” Stephen grinned.

Sands: *raised eyebrow* This goes way beyond a spanking fetish—that guy’s a gimp.

Two minutes later, Stephen got his own taste of Harry’s first successful Cruciatus curse.

Mervin: Remember that speech in HBP, how Dumbledore said Harry was amazing for remaining pure of heart after all that has happened to him? I don’t think that can apply to him at this point.

It felt like someone had him on the furthest stretches of torture rack, where one more turn would cause all his limbs to snap off.

Sands: (Moon): *panting* Oh, yes, more, harder, Master!!

It was agony, as he had never felt it before. He could not draw breath. Thick needles were piercing every inch of his skin.

Sands: And now that he knows what it feels like, I’m sure he’ll be able to cast it with even more fervor, knowing what he’ll be doing to any human being he casts it on. What a psycho.

Just as sudden the curse was lifted and Stephen fell forward and was lying on the ground whimpering, his every movement felt torturous.

Mervin: I’m surprised he didn’t just throw it off immediately—he is a ninja.

After a minute he was pulled into a chair and his breathing was coming in heavy gasps.

They all had their lunches after that and turned to practice the curse on a jar full of spiders.

Mervin: AND JUST WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE???!!!! WHY ARE THEY USING HUMAN TARGETS FIRST AND THEN MOVING ONTO BUGS???!!!!

Sands: I’m more disturbed at how very casual they are about the whole situation—I’m disturbed not because I would never do that sort of thing, but because he’s trying to pass these two off as protagonists.


Sunday, they turned to the most final of all curses, the Killing Curse. And like the Cruciatus, you had to mean it. You must want to kill the person you were aiming at with full intent, and you had to throw all the power you had behind it.

Mervin: Yeah. And you think it’s good that they manage.

Sands: With any luck, they’ll use human test subjects again and kill each other and we’ll never have to see them again.

Mervin: You don’t ever see them.

Sands: Fuck you.


They used another jar of spiders for this purpose. But this was the trickiest of the Unforgiveables.

Mervin: Yeah, darn, it’s just so hard! Why can’t it be easier to kill people?

It took both apprentices all morning and most of the afternoon till they killed their first spider.

Mervin: Less than a day. That’s all it took. Less than a day.

Sands: Well, they aren’t as evil as me, then—I never even hesitated when I first pulled that trigger.

Mervin: I’m sure that, should this guy ever go see Grindhouse, he’ll be nodding with every word that the rapist says about his gun. Perfection. You aim it at whatever you want to die. Then you pull the trigger—bullet comes out of that end, goes straight into what you want to die, and what you want to die dies. Simple perfection. I’m sure that’s how he views Avada Kedavra.


They got the hang of it though after that and soon a heap of lifeless spiders were lying about on the floor.

Sands: “They got the hang of it.” I don’t think we can say enough about how very wrong this is.

“Wish I could say ‘well done’ to you two, but I can’t. There is nothing about the Unforgiveables that should be encouraged.

Mervin: (Moody): Which is why I want you to practice them for at least three hours a day!

Never use them light-heartedly or for fun.

Sands: Mervin, I’ll let you do it.

Mervin: Thank you. *takes a deep breath before bellowing* JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING UP THERE WITH IMPERIUS, HUH???!!! HILARIOUS ANTICS WITH CHIPMUNKS, SUCH FUNNY SHENANIGANS WITH THROWING IT OFF, YOU TWO WERE HAVING A GREAT AFTERNOON TWO DAYS AGO!!!!


Here is another rule that Order members have: the instant an Unforgiveable is cast by the opposing side,

Sands: (Not!Moody): —all bets are off! Kill like crazy! The more painful, the better! Be sure to torture them first! Make them bleed! Make them scream! Make them beg for death! See the light leave their eyes when you kill them!

then you only throw back the same.

Mervin: I thought Dumbledore wouldn’t allow them at all.

UNDERSTAND?” bellowed Moody.

Sands: Oh, and one more thing—when you return to the ship, tell the whole crew to help themselves to me best rum.

Mervin: Illegal on two counts, Sands, and you know it! *frogs him*

Sands: There is nothing wrong with quoting a Disney movie!

Mervin: Yes, but it’s Peter Pan, and mentions rum. You should be ashamed of yourself. ‘Fore I know it, you’ll be talking with a Scottish accent and wearing a bandanna.


“Yes Sir!” both shouted back.

Sands: So, they’re in the army now.

Mervin: Happy childhoods at Hogwarts are simply not allowed.


“Now get your brooms and Apparate out of my sight,” grumbled Moody.

Mervin: Okay, and then he’s gonna call Dumbledore ASAP and tell him what these two are doing, and they’re gonna be sent to Azkaban—

Sands: Shut up, bitch. You know it’s not gonna happen.


Stephen grabbed his Nimbus 2002 broom in his left hand, with his wand ready in his right and closed his eyes. His entire body tingled with magic.

Sands: Wait a second—which broom and wand were he clutching?!

He opened his eyes and found himself on the Hogsmeade train platform, Harry right next to him.

Mervin: Yep—absolutely no downsides to Apparation. And I don’t care that even good authors didn’t put any downsides to Apparation—it’s just one more thing this guy sucks at.

Stephen mounted his broom and sped off into the air, towards Hogwarts castle. They both landed in front of the main doors. It was then that Stephen caught Harry glancing at him strangely.

Sands: Well, enough of the journey—back to something ELSE that’s awesome about the great and powerful Stephen Moon!

“What? Do I have something on my back?” he asked, trying to lighten the dull mood that settled over both of them.

Mervin: And how the hell was that supposed to lighten the mood?

“The way you fly...how come I haven’t faced you on the pitch? You could make good chaser,” asked Harry.

Sands: …they fly for, according to this guy’s fanon, less than a minute, and he already determines he’s an excellent chaser. And they weren’t dodging anything, weren’t chasing anything, they were just flying in a straight line to Hogwarts.

Stephen sighed.

“I wanted to try in second year. Then Malfoy,” Stephen spat the name out, as if it was fouling his mouth to say it,

Mervin: Malfoy is a Seeker.

“buys his way on the team with all those brooms. I already dismissed the idea of him as a friend the end of first year.

Sands: I love how he phrases it.

Mervin: No kidding. Instead of, “We were never friends,” or, “We didn’t get along from the start,” he says, “I dismissed him.”


I did not want to be on any team with him. He constantly sneered about my muggle-raised status.

Mervin: Well, so do you.

Didn’t stop till I sent his ass to the hospital wing with a broken arm and nose in second year.”

Sands: …Second Year, hmm? Nice to hear he got an early start.

Mervin: You know, Harry hates Malfoy—you think he would’ve heard about this and wondered what had happened.

Sands: And did Malfoy do anything besides sneer at him? ‘Cause Malfoy does considerably more to Harry, and the most they do is hex each other on occasion, ‘cept in OotP.


“What about Crabbe and Goyle? How did you handle them?” frowned Harry disbelievingly. Stephen smirked humorlessly.

Sands: Yes, what violence did you inflict upon those two, my little Dark Lord?

“That took some doing. Learning to perform a Disillusionment charm, took me almost two months back then and a lot of library work.

Mervin: Uh-huh. A Second Year, learning a Disillusionment charm.

Then I could wait in the common room without him noticing me.

Mervin: …is he saying that he was FRIGGIN’ LYING IN WAIT FOR HIM?!

Sands: Did he also forget that the charm turns you into a human chameleon, and is NOT invisibility?


It happened during the holidays finally. I remember Crabbe was complaining about a stomach ache and they were chatting about the...umm...oh yes...who the Heir of Slytherin was, then they suddenly ran out.”

Mervin: And the instant Malfoy was alone, Stephen just attacked him and beat the shit out of him. And Malfoy didn’t tell anyone, hmm?

Sands: (Moon): *grabbing Malfoy’s broken arm and squeezing* I hope I have your attention, Malfoy. Let me just say this—you’d best say that you fell down the stairs or something similar. Because if you don’t… *twists* …just remember, Malfoy. We sleep in the same dormitory. We live in the same dungeon. We have the same schedule. No matter where you go, I will find you. *steps on his face and breaks his nose for good measure*


It totally surprised Stephen that Harry suddenly burst into laughter as they were walking into the Great Hall.

Mervin: You know, I think even Harry would be somewhat put-off by the fact that Stephen stalked Malfoy until Christmas and then did the equivalent of what a thug in the mafia does.

It took the young wizard a long time to recover by which time they were seated at the table ready to start eating.

Mervin: You know, I fail to see how very funny that is. I know what he’s referencing, and it simply isn’t funny.

“Say, thank you,” commanded Harry good-naturedly.

“Why?” asked Stephen, incredulously.

Sands: I agree—why? Why would Harry be happy about this? He hates Malfoy, but he has never, ever attacked Malfoy first—Malfoy always attacks first.

“Me and my friends, Ron and Hermione wanted to find out if Malfoy knew who the Heir of Slytherin is. So we made a

Mervin: —bundt cake.

plan. We get Malfoy to tell us. We put Sleeping Draught in some cupcakes and made sure Crabbe and Goyle could find it while they were on one their eating binges.

Mervin: I didn’t know Crabbe and Goyle were bulimic.

We each took a piece of their hair to use in Polyjuice potion we had prepared a month in advance.” Harry smirked.

Sands: Don’t do that—now Moon here is gonna make sure to do something that outdoes your Second Year potion.

“So you and Ron took Crabbe and Goyle’s appearances and managed to find your way into the Slytherin common.

Mervin: Yes, the Slytherin Common. I hear it’s very pretty in the spring.

Interrogate Malfoy. You probably left in hurry because the potion had worn off, since it takes a while to get to the dungeons,”

Sands: It doesn’t take a while to get to the dungeons—they just couldn’t find them, you idiot! DID YOU EVEN READ THE BOOKS?!

surmised Stephen, only for him to burst into fits of laughter. He turned to Harry and shook hands.

“Thank you.” He said earnestly before dissolving into laughter again.

Mervin: …this isn’t funny. It seriously isn’t. Are they on drugs, or something? Because this isn’t amusing in any sense. The most it’s worth even by this guy’s standards is maybe a chuckle or two, not hysterics.

Sands: They’re on acid, definitely—what else could make them that paranoid and freaky?


*

It was three days of constant dueling practice in the Phoenix chamber after that.

Sands: Oh, “dueling.” Is that what they call it these days?

The spells that both Stephen and Harry were learning though were literally being pulled out of

Mervin: —their asses. Seriously. These things are so obviously made up it hurts.

obscurity in the shelves of Phoenix Chamber. Some of the spells weren’t even denoted in Latin, but Ancient Upper Kingdom Egyptian, Sanskrit and even Mandarin, Japanese and Arabic.

Mervin: Yeah, since all spells in HP are denoted in Latin, like Alohamora—wait a minute…

Sands: Take a hint, author—most of the spells in Latin does not mean all of the spells in Latin.

Mervin: anyway, we all know that the only reason he’s including all those languages is so he can show off his mad crazy internet translator linguistic skills, the loser.


Even for an Ancient Runes student this was extremely difficult. Stephen wondered how Harry must have been feeling; he had never opened a Runic dictionary in his life.

Sands: You just know he was itching to tack on “the loser.”

Moody wanted them to memorize and be able to perform fifteen obscure spells in each dueling category.

Mervin: Here’s an idea—why don’t you learn something useful, hmm?! Jesus, Harry’s DA was better than this!

Late Wednesday afternoon when both apprentices returned from the Phoenix Chamber, Stephen asked Harry to have a private chat.

Sands: And once they were absconded away in a dark room, Moon bent Harry over a chair and raped him right up the ass.

It had been running through Stephen’s mind on whether or not he wanted to share this information, but he figured that someone like Harry could make great use of it.

Mervin: He’s an arrogant little booger, isn’t he?

Sands: Why share a new super power, hon? Keep it all to yourself. Remember that whole operating alone thing? Yeah, doesn’t Voldemort have great ideas?


Harry guided him to

Mervin: *steps on Sands*

Sands: Hey! What the hell was that for, you bitch?!

Mervin: If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.


a place in Hogwarts, known as the Room of Requirement. Stephen found the idea quaint, rooms that changed and equipped itself to suit whatever your needs were as you walked past it.

Mervin: Oh. Is it quaint? Aren’t we posh.

Harry pulled open the door and it revealed a Room that seemed solely equipped

Sands: —with bondage gear.

to teach the defense against Dark Arts. It was then that Harry explained the events and reasoning behind the forming of Dumbledore’s Army or DA.

Mervin: He didn’t feel the need to tell the audience.

“Yeah, I spent all my Defense classes with Umbridge, with my own spell books Transfigured to look like that Defense theory trash she had us doing.

Mervin: This is new. *yawns*

I read through that Defense theories book in a night, never had such a good laugh in my life.” Stephen chuckled.

Sands: One would think that Moon having a good giggle over that stuff would make Harry rather hinky, considering what happened in his Fifth Year.

“So what did you want to show me?” asked Harry.

Stephen pulled out a matchbox-sized book

Mervin: It’s Mr. Stool!

and enlarged it with a wave of his wand and handed it over to Harry.

Sands: (Harry): Uh…what good will Foot Lickers Magazine do for us?

Mervin: (Moon): Oh, it’s not for me, Harry—it’s for you. By the end of the day, you will be kissing my feet. BOW, MINION!!!


“ ‘Lost Magic of the Elements of Nature’ by Nicolas Flamel. But I thought he was an Alchemist?”

Mervin: Yeah, he is. And he’s also DEAD.

“He is an alchemist primarily. It’s what he is most known for. But Flamel is over six hundred and fifty years old.

Sands: Was.

In his younger years though he wrote this book, about a magic that’s use had fell out of favor over a hundred years earlier,

Mervin: I hope he had better punctuation placement.

because dark wizards at the time used Elemental Magic for very destructive purposes.

Mervin: Kind of like what you’re planning to do with it, hmm?

Sands: Don’t people use normal magic for very destructive purposes, too? Why hasn’t that been banned?


That magic knowledge was as a result purged from all libraries, but Flamel was not an academic for nothing.” Stephen explained and tapped the book with a finger.

Sands: Where the hell did he get the thing if there was a mass book burning, anyway?!

Mervin: And why the hell is he making the Wizarding World to be like goddamned Nazis?!


“This book explains how to

Sands: —swallow without gagging—

do Elemental magic; fire, wind, water and earth. Want to try?”

Mervin: *singing* Say do you remember? Dancing in September!

Harry frowned in thought for a moment. “Why not?” he shrugged.

Mervin: —and belched. “Moon, your Delta Tau Chi name is Flounder.”

Sands: I have seem some crazy people in my life, but I don’t think anyone tops those two. They may be madder than me, even—and I’m crazy as a shithouse rat.

Mervin: *shuddering* Be comforted—they haven’t gotten to kill anyone yet. Once they start that up, then they’ll be surpassing you in terms of psychotics.

Sands: Am I done yet?

Mervin: Yeah, yeah, you are.

Sands: Good! SEND ME TO THAT BEACH, DAMMIT.

Mervin: Sands, I don’t—wait a minute. Hyde is keeping Snape all to herself and leaving me with you. *Keyboards him to Hawaii* TAKE THAT, HYDE!

Mrs. Hyde: YOU BASTARD!!!




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