Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Part XI)

MERVIN: *squinting* Yeah…hi. Sands and I are still…uh, to put it lightly, I’ve puked seven times, despite the sobering effect of the Keyboard of Power. That drinking game was a very bad idea (coffee cups; Just Say No). So I am shooting it over to someone who is quite experienced with the Twilight fandom. A lady of high esteem and badassery—even better, I don’t have to explain things to her, because I was not the first person who had the brilliant idea to use this lovely woman! zelda_queen hit on that genius move, so get to it, Leah Clearwater!

LEAH: What—dragging me back in to stare at that Bree Tanner bitch again?! No! I already did it once, I’m not doing it again!

MERVIN: Yes, you are. I thought you’d enjoy it, ripping up your own canon.

LEAH: You know, it’s really not as enjoyable as one might think, this job—I can’t jump in and bite these bitches’ heads off, I can only sit back here and scream at them. I wasn’t even in this one. As such, I really don’t think I should have to do this AGAIN, just with a different boss this time. Sporking one’s own canon is not fun.

SNAPE: *appears in his black Hawaiian shirt* Shut your gob, you whinging twit. Until you’ve been forced to watch your own character molest students you hate in the name of True Love, get molested by an old man while crossdressing under duress, or cry about feelings, you have no business complaining about one or two rounds in this hell. *poofs back to his beach*

MERVIN: Uh, Leah? He has a point.

LEAH: *scowling* Who is that greasy bastard?

MERVIN: Look, the poor dude got his throat ripped out by a snake and pretty much every corner of fandom is determined to either turn him into the most annoying and petty dickhead in existence or make him the entire world’s bitch. He was forced to do “Subjugation”. And “Little Miss Mary”. And “Hogwarts Exposed”. And all of Sukkumbus’s fics.

LEAH: That’d have more weight if I knew what those were.

MERVIN: Oh, you will. I have a feeling I might be seeing more of you, if you do well here, which means you will have to start training—meaning lots and lots of reading. So here—I have loaded up the cooler with beer and have provided you with a steak. Have fun.

LEAH: Fine. Fine. Let’s just get this over with.

Part XI


*reading up to this point* Hmm…Bree’s been captured, that bitch Bella is flopping around and hanging off of Edward, and then they back quickly away from Bree and make it clear that Jane and Company can basically have her. Whole time, Bree is talking about how wonderful the Cullens are. Well, nobody ever claimed bloodsuckers were smart.

Jane tells them Bree is a goner, and she just…immediately accepts this. Jesus Christ, even though I should be used to character inconsistency in my canon, my goddamned author always manages to surprise me. Since her first page of introduction, Bree has done nothing but talk about how she doesn’t want to die and has been doing everything in her power to make sure she DOESN’T die! And then, OUT OF NOWHERE, she just immediately talks about how everything is “so inevitable now”. I could understand if she had a slow character change through the novella and came to accept everything, except we had no hint of this—when the Cullens captured her, she did nothing but talk about how she DIDN’T. WANT. TO DIE.

Oh, by the way, Meyer, she’s fifteen. She’s not a 100-year-old vampire in the body of a fifteen-year-old, either, she is FIFTEEN. Fifteen-year-olds do not do this, especially immortal fifteen-year-olds with God complexes.

So, even though Carlisle basically says, “Yeah, well, that’s your business, but we didn’t really wanna kill her,” Jane says, “Whatever, we’re gonna kill her,” and Carlisle replies, “As you wish.” And even after this and Carlisle telling Jane to send hugs and kisses over to Aro, Bree continues to talk about how noble and wonderful the Cullens are, because she’s apparently too stupid to see that they don’t give a SHIT about her and seems to have completely forgotten that every single Cullen really wants to kill her, except for Carlisle—and he just proved now that he just says “meh” when Jane makes it clear she that she’s going to kill Bree. *shakes head* I should not be surprised—Meyer is the one writing Bree, and she’s the same person who made me talk about how that jackass Jacob has it soooo much worse than I do because his cocktease girlfriend is, well, a cocktease. Meyer has about as good a grasp on this sort of stuff as Bitchella has on reality.

Anyway. Hugs and kisses to Aro, and the dialogue is exactly what it was in Eclipse with Jane asking how many newborns there were—but “just out of professional curiosity”, which obviously means Jane is just completely uninterested in what happened here. Could you be any more suspicious, you brainless bimbo?! But, of course, because we got a line of dialogue, it’s time for Bree to analyze it for us because we apparently didn’t get it the first time. She talks about how these are obviously “professionals”, and “that it was [Jane’s] profession to punish”, which means “there must be rules”. Seeing as everybody’s so afraid of them and Carlisle mentioned some dickweed named Aro, that means there must be lots of Volturi, and isn’t just these four.

You all got that? You all got that INCREDIBLY STUPID PROSE? “Profession to punish”? What the shit is that?!

*rubs head* Carlisle mentions there were eighteen vampires, Jane is surprised, Bree is kind enough to analyze that for us as well, and I have to say, Bree has just pretty much turned into Edward Cullen at this point in the characterization department, in that we are now in Midnight Sun. The canon dialogue is C&P’d, and then she analyzes it for us with lots of big words and questions, and it is all as flattering to Bitchella and the asshole Cullens as possible. Since Bree has no balls for me to crush, I’ll just settle for saying I want to rip her ovaries out. *snaps teeth*

Carlisle then says that all those newborns were “brand-new” and “unskilled”. Bree continues to sit there and analyze things for us: “Unskilled and uninformed, thanks to Riley.” Yes. We know. Because we read that part.

‘Course, I really don’t have much sympathy for you, and it’s not because you’re a murdering, bloodsucking leech that I’ve been condemned to hunt down and kill for the rest of my immortal life. It’s because you were pretty much uninformed because you cannot figure out that one plus one equals two. You didn’t even bother thinking about motives until some other guy pointed it out, and he didn’t even bother thinking about it until he’d spent eleven months being buttfucked by the guy in question!

*shakes head and cracks open a beer; pauses and looks at the label* Huh—Sam Adams, my favorite. Too bad Mervin didn’t leave me any chips or something… *blinks as several different brands suddenly materialize right next to her* …or some dip? *blinks again as French onion, salsa, and guacamole appear as well* Huh. *looks up at the ceiling* Uh—thanks? *crunch* Anyway—Bree also notes that maybe she’s not as high on the vampire bitch ladder as the previously thought, considering that she’s being called pretty much a “baby” by everyone in question. Truth hurts, doesn’t it? Jane then demands to know who did all this, and Bree YET AGAIN holds our hands through it. *voice goes high-pitched and whiny* “Ooooo, you people are obviously too stupid to notice this, but this is all an act because Jane already knows it’s Victoria, oh, she’s such a liar! Good thing I’m here to tell that to you, because if I, an all-powerful vampire have the brains of a trout, you readers must have the brains of a used tissue!”

Some guy with red hair—wait. *reads a note* …that’s Edward? *snorts* Meyer, I have seen that jackass—hell, you practically forced me to kiss his ass, only by sheer force of will did I manage to make sure that I didn’t—and he does not have red hair. Take a good look at every single incarnation of him that has ever blighted the world, from Robert Pattinson to the graphic novel to fanart—it’s always light/golden brown. At the most, it’s got dark-red highlights. What next—you gonna start calling my black hair yellow? So Deadward says that “her name was Victoria” and that’s pretty much the only info he ever tells Jane. Bree continues to comment and explain after every single line of dialogue, and my God, it is so annoying. Bree whines that how come she didn’t know Victoria’s name? Does it really matter why you didn’t? And why is that so stunning to you? In Riley’s half-assed explanation, didn’t he say that they were enemies, and that they wanted to take the territory back? It does stand to reason that they would know each other in some fashion in order to be enemies.

Deadward then points over to “a cloud of thick lilac smoke billowing from the side of the mountain” and says that Victoria is now quite dead. Then the meeting was rudely interrupted by the fire department and park rangers demanding to know just what the hell these people thought they were doing lighting fires in a national forest and not bothering to put them out, and that they were now officially responsible for somehow managing to start a forest fire in one of the wettest places in the United States and were going to have a lot of fun in jail.

Actually, all we get is Bree getting off on the idea of Victoria being “shredd[ed]”, almost to the point of orgasm, and when Deadward adds that Riley was with her and also was killed, Bree just has one off right there.


Riley. My fierce pleasure intensified. If — okay, when — I died today, at least I didn't leave that loose thread. Diego had been avenged. I almost smiled.

*rolls eyes* I am really not surprised she wrote that, considering this line was in New Moon:


I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

New Moon, Epilogue.

“See? SEE? I TIED UP MY LOOSE ENDS. Good thing I told you I did—you might be wondering about some unresolved stuff!” Yeah, she’ll tie up those loose ends, but can’t be bothered to tie mine or even Embry’s up. Guess it’s ‘cause we’re just filthy dogs.

Deadward then proudly announces that he took out Victoria and Riley, and Bree wants to run right over there and suck his dick, mentioning she even would do it “if he were the one to kill [her] in the end”. And people wonder why I continue to hate vampires so much.

Well, Jane then turns her attentions to Bree and demands to know her name and her quest and the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.


I was dead anyway, according to her. So why give this lying vampire anything she wanted? I just glared at her.

So lemme get this straight. Bree was terrified of these people the minute she saw them coming across the field after Victoria, then finally put it together that these people are the Gravity Vampire Police, and has spent this entire time being rooted to the spot in fear by them…and that is how she reacts when they finally speak to her? This pathetic, bratty little show of defiance?

*raises her Sam Adams* I think we can all toast to what happens next.


Jane smiled at me, the bright, happy smile of an innocent child, and suddenly I was on fire. It was like I'd gone back in time to the worst night of my life. Fire was in every vein of my body, covering every inch of my skin, gnawing through the marrow of every bone. It felt like I was buried in the middle of my coven's funeral bonfire, with the flames on every side. There wasn't a single cell in my body that wasn't blazing with the worst agony imaginable. I could barely hear myself scream over the pain in my ears.

Do we really care that it is completely dry and boring and purple and mostly just incredibly stupid and really gives us no indication that she’s actually in pain, not even an exclamation point? Nope! I sure don’t. *tips back her beer* Hit her again, Jane, the little bitch has been begging for it.

Jane again demands to know Bree’s name, “and as she spoke the fire disappeared. Gone like that, as if [she’d] only been imagining it.” *flatly* Hey, guys? You wanna know what is more subtle than that shitty line?


Meyer, we know that Jane’s ability only makes people imagine that they are in pain. BREE DOESN’T. She would not immediately leap to that ridiculous thought. *looks at a note* Apparently, I am to award that line the Dead Herring Award, whatever that means.

Bree finally says her name, and I’m supposed to feel badly for her when she gets zapped again, but let me assure you, Meyer, I really don’t think anyone does at this point.


Jane smiled again and the fire was everywhere. How much pain would it take before I would die of it? The screams didn't even feel like they were coming from me anymore. Why wouldn't someone rip my head off? Carlisle was kind enough for that, wasn't he? Or whoever their mind reader was. Couldn't he or she understand and make this stop?

Yes. Please. Somebody make this stop. I had no idea that Meyer could take the often-used “MAKE IT STOP” line that often ends a discussion of pain and suck out all of the emotion, all of the stream of consciousness that goes with that line, the panic, the agony, and render it down into something so…bland. I’d be embarrassed for Meyer if she didn’t take so many dumps on my head throughout the series.

Oh, why doesn’t Bree comprehend that the illustrious Cullens are pretty much just sitting there and watching Jane do this? Oh, wait—she owes them. So after they watch, she’ll run over and give some more free blowjobs. *spits and takes another drink*

Deadward petulantly tells Jane that that isn’t necessary, and Jane stops and smirks at him and pretty much says, “No duh.” I like to imagine that, in the hands of a better author, the next line from Jane would be, “I just don’t think this little brat understands the meaning of ‘authority’. I am trying to teach her a necessary lesson that we are the law, and that actions do have consequences. Judging by your insolence, I think you need that lesson, too,” and there would be tasers all around.

Instead, Jane starts questioning Bree, and it’s all the same dialogue we already know about, Jane asking how many there were and who made her and why they were made in the first place and Bree telling all she knows. We also have a ham-fisted comment where, when Bree mentions that everyone’s “thoughts weren't safe”, Jane takes the time to look very conspicuously at Deadward. So, naturally, when Bree notices that Jane is pleased with how very ignorant the newborns appeared to be?


In a flash of insight, I understood that she was relieved Riley hadn't told me or the others about her little visit to our creator. Victoria. This was the story she wanted the yellow-eyes to know — the story that didn't implicate Jane or the dark-cloaked Volturi. Well, I could play along. Hopefully the mind reader was already in the know.

I couldn't physically take revenge on this monster, but I could tell the yellow-eyes everything with my thoughts. I hoped.

Well, what a good idea. Except for the fact that it seriously never occurs to you that maybe Deadward already knows all that because he can read the Jane’s mind, too? And hence the reason that this entire exercise is completely pointless. Because he didn’t need Bree to know that. He plucked it out of Jane’s head, not Bree’s.

Oh—and if Jane was so concerned about them finding out the Volturi’s involvement, why did she torture Bree for information if she didn’t want people to know? Why didn’t she just kill her? And, of course, there is the other issue—why didn’t Jane know that Deadward would know about this from her own mind?! They know he can read minds, why did they go forward to meet the Cullens like this?!

*huffs in annoyance* In order to try to cover the complete contradiction with what we were presented of Bree’s character and thought process here as opposed to what we have already saw in canon, Meyer pulls out… *looks at her notes* …what Mervin says is one of the biggest and most revolting cop-outs and excuses in pretty much any fandom in existence.


I nodded, agreeing with Jane’s little joke, and sat up because I wanted the mind reader’s attention, whoever that was. I continued with the version of the story that any other member of my coven would have been able to give. I pretended I was Kevin. Dumb as a bag of rocks and totally ignorant.

That’s right! It was all an act! I’ve been told to mention Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Slytherfen.

After she says all the dialogue we already know about what they did and that she really doesn’t know what happened and that they didn’t kill her because she stopped fighting, Jane basically says, “Yeah, that was a lie, they handed you over to me and I never had any intention of letting you live.” Bree spouts a line similar to the one up there in that paragraph: “Still pretending I was Kevin, I just stared at her as if I were too stupid to understand.

And I can’t hold it anymore. *laughing hysterically* Oh, man, that’s a good one, Bree. After every single bit of stupidity that you did, after how much of a dumbass you are, after you couldn’t even figure out that Riley was lying to you about how Diego is up in the clearing, you have the balls to say that with a straight face? *chuckles and eats another chip* What next—is Deadward going to “pretend” to be a condescending asshole? Or perhaps Bitchella will “pretend” to be a whiny doormat with the spine of a tubeworm. Or maybe Meyer will “pretend” to be a really crappy writer who can’t take her hand out of her pants for five seconds!

Jane confirms with Carlisle that they killed all the newborns by splitting up, and Bree ponders on how the “howlers” got Kristie and talks about how she hopes they were the most horrifying and meanest things on the earth, because Kristie “deserved that”.

Who is Kristie, again?

Jane talks about how impressed she is, because heaven forbid someone not be impressed by those bastards. But time to bring the attention back to the real star—Jane immediately starts asking why Bitchella was the focus of all of this, and Deadward replies, “Victoria held a grudge against Bella.” And it still makes no sense—Bitchella didn’t kill James. Hell, even Deadward didn’t kill James. Emmett and Jasper did that. Why wasn’t she after Rosalie and Alice? Those useless twats would’ve been easy enough to dispose of—well, one of them, anyway. Jasper graduated from Deadward’s School of Stalking and Controlling Your Girlfriend with a major in Helpless Females and Why They Need Big Strong Men to Manage Them and a minor in Keeping Your Girlfriend Wrapped in Cotton.

Bree tells us all about how much sense that makes, though. No, it doesn’t. And I do wonder, why doesn’t Bree suddenly have a better understanding of Victoria’s motives? They pretty much are now of the same personality—kill anyone who gets in the way of your ultimate goal, avenging your Lost Love.

Oh, and I have a question—would you have considered me a better person, Meyer, if I’d eviscerated my cousin for stealing Sam away from me? You seem to glorify that behavior, so I was just wondering.

Jane starts talking about how great and awesome and wonderful Bitchella is, attempts to taser her, and Bree just wonders about how it doesn’t affect her, blah blah blah. Bree is also kind enough to tell us that she’s smart enough to see through Jane’s laughter to know that she just can’t stand how her power doesn’t work on Bitchella. No, Jane, your power won’t work on her, but you know what would? Your foot. So go break it off in her ass, please. Why are these people so obsessed with their abilities?! Why do they give up immediately if those stupid powers don’t work?! I don’t have any powers, and I tear off vampire heads just fine!

Bree also ponders Bella’s situation: “Was this why the human girl was tolerated by the yellow-eyes? But if she was special in some way, why didn't they just change her into a vampire?


*saves all but this* If you call Bitchella special one more goddamn time, I think I will fursplode. You know—me, the most unique werewolf in our tribal history, the only female of the wolf pack, the one with a tragic past and a clearly defined character arc that involves growth and change? And yet the one who is never looked at as interesting and strange at all, but rather just considered dead weight and a harpy and got dropped as soon as I’d fulfilled the only use Meyer ever had for me, making sure that demon spawn of hers survived? *growls*

Jane says too bad they missed the show, Deadward makes it more than evident that he knows the Volturi were in on all this, and Bree chalks it all up to her own brilliance of sending her thoughts to Deadward and isn’t she just so special. No, she’s not. Because he got even MORE information from JANE’S MIND, including every single thing you just sent to him.

As I said—this was entirely pointless, every bit of it. He didn’t need Bree for the information, her POV was a perfect blend of Deadward’s, Bitchella’s, and Jacob’s, so this was hardly a different POV and a look through somebody else’s eyes. There is only one reason for this story—MONEY.

*pauses* Wait a second. Edward knew that the Volturi planned this. He knew that they’d been delaying on purpose and knew that they were in league with Victoria. *dangerously* And that shit-sucking bastard never told us, the wolves, their allies, that this was going on? Never told us ANYTHING of what happened? Just used us and then SENT US ON OUR WAY WITH NO EXPLANATIONS, NO FURTHER INFORMATION, AND PREVENTED US FROM DOING OUR JOB AND ATTACKING VAMPIRES WHO ARE A DEFINITE THREAT TO HUMANITY??!!! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!!

*shakes self* Sorry—I just…I cannot believe this. I cannot BELIEVE they would—oh, hell, of course I believe they would do that. I’d be more stunned if they HAD told us all the details. Anyway. Jane concurs with Deadward, making it more than clear that she knows Deadward knows, and Bree wonders just what Jane is thinking. She’s probably thinking, “Yeah, and just what do you intend to do about it, dickless?” And I can answer that—NOTHING. He does NOTHING. In fact, he pretty much forgets about this whole situation. *rolls eyes*

Jane looks back at Bree, and the little whore just sits there and pats herself on the back.


Jane turned her blank face to me now. There was nothing in her eyes, but I could feel that my time had run out. She'd gotten what she needed from me. She didn't know that I'd also given the mind reader everything I could. And protected his coven's secrets, too. I owed him that. He'd punished Riley and Victoria for me.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and thought, Thanks.

I think I speak for everyone when I say WHAT?

What did you give Deadward that he couldn’t get from Jane? Did you seriously think he wasn’t rifling through her mind, too? And what secrets were you protecting, exactly? What do you know about them that the Volturi don’t already know? You don’t know that my pack was pretty much what saved their asses, and that’s…the only thing that they would want to keep from the Volturi. So what purpose did any of that serve except to try and make Bree look all wise and accepting of her death and to keep licking the toes of the Cullens?

Oh, and how the hell is Bree so calm about this? No person would be calm in this situation. In fact, the whole thing is stupid—she’s about to die, has been sitting in the smoke trail of the burning remains of her comrades, is supposed to be all broken-hearted and distressed, but she just very calmly formulated a plan to try and send thoughts to someone she thinks might be a mind-reader?

Jane signals Felix, and then Deadward starts up with that disgusting bit about how they could take Bree into the family and teach her their ways, and it was revolting and insincere there and it’s revolting and insincere here, except it’s probably worse because now we get to see what Bree thinks of it:


Jane's face looked like she wasn't sure if they were joking, but if they were joking, they were funnier than she'd given them credit for.

Me, I was touched to the core. These vampires were strangers, but they'd gone out on this dangerous limb for me. I already knew it wasn't going to work, but still.

Dangerous limb”? What the hell are you talking about?! They weren’t in any danger! And naturally, she’s just so touched by this fake and half-assed effort and thinks the Cullens are the most wonderful people ever for doing that for her, EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW FULLY WELL IT WON’T WORK, THAT THEY TURNED HER OVER TO THE VOLTURI IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND THAT EVERY OTHER MEMBER OF THE FAMILY WAS MORE THAN EAGER TO KILL HER NOT TWO MINUTES AGO—INCLUDING DEADWARD.

And notice that Deadward only sticks up for her after she does nothing but think about how wonderful they are in her mind and thinks she’s doing them a big favor by telling them all the info they already know? I hate those bastards.

Then we get some incredibly stupid dialogue, and I do mean stupid.


"We don't make exceptions," Jane told them, amused. "And we don't give second chances. It's bad for our reputation."

It was like she was discussing someone else. I didn't care that she was talking about killing me. I knew the yellow-eyes couldn't stop her. She was the vampire police. But even though the vampire cops were dirty — really dirty — at least the yellow-eyes knew it now.

"Which reminds me…" Jane went on, her eyes locking on the human girl again and her smile widening. "Caius will be so interested to hear that you're still human, Bella. Perhaps he'll decide to visit."

Still human. So they were going to change the girl. I wondered what they were waiting for.

Right—the several points that need to be addressed. First one’s easy.

JANE: We don’t give second chances. But we do give third ones. Enjoy your third chance, Bella! Hell, we may even give you a fourth!

And then there is the second one. Why, exactly, can’t the Cullens do anything to stop them? Why isn’t Jasper using his ability to perhaps make them a little more lenient, or make them more pliable? Why aren’t they doing more to try and convince them to let her go? Why aren’t they protesting more, and pointing out every single flaw in Jane’s logic? Well, the answer to the question about Jasper is easy enough—he never wanted her alive in the first place, and this is a nice way to eliminate her without even getting his hands dirty. And, of course, while I do ask all of those other questions, I do believe that Meyer pretty much just failed to make the Volturi look like the bad guys in this scene. Because all of what we saw of Bree?

Yeah. She does need to be put down. She’s a rabid animal. She’s a mad dog. She took out an entire ferry of people not twelve hours ago. She wanted to go off with Fred and Diego and live happily and bloodily ever after, killing anyone they wanted to. She couldn’t comprehend the idea of rules, to the point that until the Volturi pretty much blatantly said, “We are the police and you are under arrest,” she never fathomed that there might be rules. So any sympathy we may have had for her back in Eclipse? Yeah, it’s gone now. This is not Evil, like Meyer wanted us to believe. This seriously is justice. Kill her ass, Jane.

And the third point. That last paragraph.

Now I can do it.

*FALCON PUNCH THROUGH MEYER’S COMPUTER SCREEN AND TO HER FACE*

FUCK YOU, YOU ANTI-HUMAN WHORE!!!!!

TAKE YOUR STUPID VAMPIRE PRAISE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!! OH, AND BREE?! MAYBE THAT HUMAN DOESN’T WANT TO BE CHANGED!!! MAYBE THEY ARE DELAYING FOR A REASON!!! DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT?! OR DO YOU THINK YOUR OH-SO-EXTRAVAGANT LIFE OF EATING PROSTITUTES AND ALCOHOLICS AND BEING TORN TO SHREDS BY YOUR COVEN MEMBERS EVERY OTHER DAY AND LIVING UNDER A CORRUPT GOVERNMENT IS JUST THAT MUCH BETTER THAN A HUMAN LIFE??!!! I’D DO ANYTHING TO GO BACK TO BEING HUMAN, AND KNOWING THAT I CAN’T IS ONE OF THE WORST WEIGHTS ON MY MIND—AND YOU H AVE THE NERVE TO SAY THAT?! DEAR GOD, I HOPE YOU GET DIARRHEA SO BAD YOU SHIT OUT YOUR INTESTINES, MEYER!!!! TAKE THIS BOOK AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!!!!

*calms down so she won’t fursplode* Right. Sorry—temper, and all.

*drinks her beer* Alice tells Jane that oh yeah, they do plan on changing her, because “the date is set”, so no need for a visit. Notice she doesn’t say when the date is. When Jane just shrugs, Bree jumps to some wild conclusion that Jane hates Alice more than Bitchella. The hell? Where did that come from? When has Jane ever expressed hatred or even dislike of Alice and the Cullens? It’s always been about Bella!

Unless, of course—and this is a stretch, I admit—Meyer just cribbed from the better-written movie canon. The movie made it seem like Jane was a big rogue and wanted the newborn army to destroy the Cullens because she was jealous of them and hated that Aro seemed to be favoring them above her, so she let it go on longer herself without any input or orders from Aro.

Jane bids Carlisle farewell, and we end the novella on this note:


This would be it, then. I still didn't feel afraid. My only regret was that I couldn't tell Fred more about all of this. He was going almost totally blind into this world full of dangerous politics and dirty cops and secret covens. But Fred was smart and careful and talented. What could they do to him if they couldn't even see him? Maybe the yellow-eyes would meet Fred someday. Be nice to him, please, I thought at the mind reader.

"Take care of that, Felix," Jane said indifferently, nodding at me. "I want to go home."

"Don't watch," the redheaded mind reader whispered.

I closed my eyes.

Which is one crappy note to end it on, and I shall tell you why.

1) There’s a plot point that goes absolutely nowhere—Fred. He pretty much had no point in this story except to keep Bree alive. That’s it. And for all of her thinking at them that they need to be nice to him, he never shows up again. That would’ve been a better tie-in—seeking out Fred in Breaking Dawn because of Bree’s thoughts, helping him go up against the Volturi to try and avenge a friend’s memory, or some kind of callback. But no—we get nothing. Fred was not a plot point—he was a plot pointless.

2) Bree thinks Deadward is talking to her—what a nice note to end on, because we all know for a fact that Deadward cares less about Bree’s welfare than he does about Bitchella’s, and that’s saying something.

3) And we end on a complete contradiction—Bree screamed in Eclipse. If she’s so ready for death and they are so efficient at taking care of things, why the hell would she scream, when Victoria, who never saw it coming, didn’t? Just one more piece of evidence that Meyer had no intentions of writing this and thought Bree was just as useless as we all thought she was.

Okay, I’m done. Can I leave now? *looks at her cooler of beer and her chips and dips* And can I take all of this stuff with me?

MERVIN: You did so well, I suppose you can. But believe me—I will be seeing you later.

LEAH: Aww, hell. *stomps out with her snacks*

MERVIN: Well, that’s it for that, folks. But there are still the acknowledgements! So read on, ladies and gentlemen.



Acknowledgements


As always, I am very grateful to all the people who made this book possible:

What—public funding from viewers like you?

my boys, Gabe, Seth, and Eli;

And you have done nothing but demonstrate through your writing that you resent their very existence.

my husband, Pancho;

Who you have told again and again does not satisfy you and you would gladly take your abusive fantasy men over him any old day.

my parents, Stephen and Candy;

Who you also have disdained through your writing with your set of fantasy parents, making them either completely indulgent and lenient or, when convenient, completely nonexistent. You’re batting zero so far, Meyer.

my very supportive girlfriends Jen H., Jen L., Meghan, Nic, and Shelly; my ninja agent, Jodi Reamer;

Okay, that “ninja” bullshit is really pissing me off. YOU ARE ALMOST FORTY-YEARS-OLD AND ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL AUTHOR, MEYER. ACT LIKE IT.

‘Course, that really just makes all of the ninja bullshit that Bree and Diego were doing even worse. Can you make it any more obvious that these people are little more than your mouthpieces, Meyer, and that they have no personalities beyond what little you have rattling around between your ears?


my “baffy,” Shannon Hale;

What, are you slanging up the abbreviation BFF? Jesus.

all my friends and mentors at Little, Brown, most especially David Young, Asya Muchnick, Megan Tingley, Elizabeth Eulberg, Gail Doobinin, Andrew Smith, and Tina McIntyre;

No idea who these people are, and I do not care.

and, saving the best for last, my readers. You’re the best audience anyone could have.

Yeah, mostly because they’re too stupid to see that your work is utter crap. You’ve already admitted that you love idiotic gushing twelve-year-olds the best out of all of your fans.

Thank you!

Bite me.



Final Thoughts


Okay. Final thoughts. There are just several main points that will summarize, and that is really all I need to go over for this one.

First, this whole alternate POV? WAS NOT AN ALTERNATE POV. She is not a unique character at all! She is a literally perfect blend of the only three POVs we have seen thus far! She is first of all all the worst of Bella’s whiny and bitchy characterization that we have seen. The vampire glorification, the whining when things don’t go her way, the thinking she is deeper and more intelligent simply because she reads, the MIND-NUMBING IDIOCY, unable to see things that are right in front of her. And then, of course, she is a healthy dose of Wardo—the psychotic nature, the desire to kill any and all humans she sees, the God-complex of thinking she is better than all of those around her, the smug and supercilious attitude, and the way when we actually see text and dialogue we’ve already read in Eclipse? The C&Ping of the line and then the boring and dry and toneless and question-laden analysis of it that tells us ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NEW—it’s all straight out of Midnight Sun. Finally, she’s got an injection of Jacob, throwing in completely random l33t-speak and “modern” language that no teenager would really say, the occasional and very out-of-place mild curse word, and jarring fragments in an attempt to make her sound young. But, of course, seeing as even those POVs don’t vary much themselves and are all ultimately just Meyer herself unable to narrate in any way except through her OWN voice, it’s all just SSDC—same shit, different character. And it is the EXACT same shit. The style is no different than what we’ve seen from every other thing she’s written. She has not improved one iota. In fact, this book is a valid argument to say that Meyer actually gets worse the more she writes! This thing looked and read like an unedited piece of fanfiction from the Pit of Voles!

Then there is the “relationship”—I did scream about how Meyer has finally created one that is actually worse than Bella and Wardo’s in terms of setup and depth, but on all other fronts? It’s basically the exact same thing. Both of their lives up until they meet one another? Barely mentioned. Nope, their lives only begin once they lay eyes on each other, and then it is instant true love and obsession. No build-up, no showing us how it happened—not even any showing of how they actually ARE in love. No, we are simply told and then we are supposed to accept it as the deepest and most abiding love that ever existed. We are supposed to buy that Bree met a guy one night, spent most of it being suspicious of him, and then, when she sees him sparkle in the sun, immediately declares herself In Love. And we’re supposed to believe that. We’re supposed to think it is so tragic when she realizes her True Love is dead. But we don’t, because they just DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. The closest thing to a relationship they have is one that twelve-year-old girls have who spy on people and giggle and gossip. Main point, though—it’s not ROMANTIC. It’s not True Love, it’s not admirable, it just looks like a passing fancy, Bree latching onto and being friendly with the first person who was really ever nice to her.

The plot itself is utterly laughable, mainly because the only way it can possibly work is to make all of her characters pretty much brain damaged. I cannot count the number of times Bree and Diego found something out that all but screamed “THIS IS A VERY BAD THING” and they immediately forgot about it in order to not ruin the plot that was already set up by Eclipse. However, there’s an even bigger problem with the plot—it did nothing but introduce holes. Why didn’t Alice see the Volturi directly interacting with Victoria or vice versa? How on earth has Victoria been planning and setting this up for over a year, seeing as Diego is eleven months old and Riley even older than him if eleven months ago, we were still in New Moon? Why was there was no mention of eleven months-worth of such a huge rash of insanely violent murders by any of the characters or even newspapers? Why didn’t Wardo ever mention the Volturi’s direct involvement when he was ostensibly told about it here? Why the hell did he act surprised when they came down to destroy them with ulterior motives in Breaking Dawn if he saw here they pretty much bribed a criminal to take out what they view as a problem? If Bree was so eager to die because she didn’t have Her Man anymore, why did she do everything in her power to keep herself alive until the Volturi arrived and was then immediately accepting of her death when she wasn’t just one minute ago? If Bree was so accepting of her plight, why did she freak out so badly when she was finally killed in Eclipse? Why did Bree and the Volturi not smell the wolves if they came directly onto the field and left a huge stink around? There was even a plot hole and contradiction in Victoria’s characterization! We see her as this threatening, cool, feline bitch who is driven and nasty, and then all of the sudden she is turned into a bratty, tantruming little girl who doesn’t have a cool head at all—the complete opposite of what we saw in Eclipse! And it just keeps going.

Another issue is the fact that Meyer took one of the only sympathetic characters she ever wrote and completely reversed our opinion of her. When we first met Bree in Eclipse, I had nothing but pity on the poor kid—every single group she ever got involved with undoubtedly tortured and tormented her. Her coven was full of crazy newborns and a psychotic leader, the Cullens mentally tortured her by sticking a tasty human under her nose and doing absolutely nothing to restrain her, making her rely solely on her own very poor self control, and then they turn her over to the Volturi, who promptly physically tortured her and then tore her to shreds. But then we get to see inside her head and any and all pity we had for her evaporated. Bree Tanner is a HORRIBLE person, but it’s okay—there isn’t a single person in this novella who is decent. We can relate to nobody and we don’t want anyone to succeed. Every single new character we got introduced to is a hideous monster, which points out a serious issue I have seen even lolfans and Twihaters skate over when discussing these vampires. I’ve seen plenty of people handwave the people-eating vampires like the Volturi, the Romanians in BD, and even Bree here by saying, “Well, at least they are acting like real vampires.” That comment ignores the entire point of the novels—we are not supposed to hate these people for that. They are not supposed to be villains, they are not supposed to be thought of as killers and monsters and murderers. We’re supposed to actively like them as protagonists, as good guys. This is not like loving Dracula as a villain or thinking Hannibal Lector is supremely terrifying and is an awesome character. All of Bree’s behavior is supposed to be thought of as perfectly justified. I’m not supposed to look at her helping to murder 150 people as bad—I’m just supposed to think, “Well, that’s what vampires do, and humans are their prey, so it’s okay,” and then still like her as a person for it. I’M A HUMAN. Why do you honestly expect me to just nod and agree that these CREATURES you invented are perfectly justified in killing me and that I should not hold them in contempt and wish them dead for wanting to break me in half and eat me?!

I am supposed to put these people as better than me in every respect. They are superior in every way—Meyer constantly talks of vampires as not only better physically, but also mentally and spiritually. They even love better than I could ever possibly hope to. These aren’t just supposed to be good characters—they are supposed to be good people. In relating to them, I am supposed to feel sympathy for them—human sympathy. I am supposed to feel sorry for them when they suffer and like them as people—but I don’t, because they are all PSYCHOTIC!

Oh, speaking of psychotic—the Cullens are a minor point that does need to be addressed nonetheless. Once we met the Cullens, Bree did absolutely nothing but kiss their asses. The Cullens are so unique and special. The Cullens are so kind. The Cullens are so wonderful. I am so ashamed for even daring to think of attacking them. The Cullens, the Cullens, the Cullens (well, when she wasn’t talking about how wonderful Bella was, and that relates to this point and I’ll get to it in a moment). She praises the Cullens to the skies and talks about how they are kind and nice and think of her like no one else has. Oh, wait—you said they think of you? Can I ask any of you a question? Can you name a single point after the gets killed when anybody in the series thinks once about Bree? You can’t, can you? No, the Cullens, for all of their begging for her life, for all of Esme going protective mother, for all of their supposed kindness, they never once think of her again. Ever. Meyer was trying to make her seem important as well—so let’s all assume that Wardo didn’t get all that info from Jane’s mind. So she tells him a bunch of important information and he just files it away and forgets about where he got it? And we all know that Bella is the only one who ever possibly thinks about Bree—but only in relation to how it affects her, namely just Bella worrying about being a blood-thirsty monster. And on the subject of Bella, despite the fact that she had pretty much nothing to do with this story, once she entered the picture, Bree did absolutely nothing but obsess over her, wondering who she was, analyzing her every movement, going on for a paragraph every time the bitch opened her mouth and whined, basically acting like Wardo in Midnight Sun. So again—we’re supposed to be seeing an alternate point of view. We’re supposed to be following Bree’s life. But ultimately in the end, we just wound up once again following Bella’s and the Cullens’ and got even more reasons to hate the rotten bastards.

Finally, the biggest issue and the most damning of all.

This novella had absolutely NO POINT. This was more useless than New Moon. This established nothing new, none of the characters were memorable or even carried through the rest of the series, no new information was really introduced, and it did not cast ANYTHING in a new light. The Cullens were still glorified, we all still marveled over Bella and how special she is, the Volturi are still eeeeeeeevil, and the only thing that could be called new was the fact that the Volturi actively made a deal of sorts with Victoria. Unfortunately, that is completely ruined because it doesn’t jive with the previous story—because NOBODY EVER MENTIONED IT. Wardo knew about this and NEVER BRINGS IT UP! He apparently knew the Volturi were directly involved and just didn’t think anybody needed to know, especially not the audience.

THIS SERVED NO PURPOSE. None! You cannot justify this at all! This should not exist, this should not be a book, it should just be up for free on her website like every other aside and extra she’s got for the other books!

*harrumph* And with that, I am done. I am FINISHED, and I am glad to be so.

Part X | Table of Contents



Right. Well, thanks for your patience folks. As always, seeing as this is the first run, I would greatly appreciate if you would point out anything I got wrong, anything you disagree with, stuff I missed, things you especially liked, errors, etc. so when I post the “revamped” version over on das_sporking, it will be more complete and thorough.

I hate that book. *flounces*
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 72 comments