Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Part the Second



Harry wakes up, meets Elrond, and plagiarizes Tolkien.

I awoke and found myself lying in a bed.

Sands: (Harry): And a quick look around the room revealed six naked men, all leering at me in a most unpleasant fashion. It was going to be a very long day.

At first, I thought that I had slept late, after a long unpleasant dream that still hovered on the edge of memory.

Snape: Believe me, Potter, anything involving you is a nightmare.

Or perhaps I had been ill?

Mrs. Hyde: Well, I’m about to be…

Mervin: Aim it in his direction if you are.

Sands: That had better not be me that you’re referring to.


But the ceiling of the room I was in looked strange; it was flat, and it had dark beams richly carved.

Mervin: “Dark beams richly carved.” Does this person have any idea what the English language is?

Snape: As far as he is concerned, it is a vehicle for his abortive, self-aggrandizing, and/or sexual fantasies, nothing more.


I lay a little while longer looking at patches of sunlight on the wall, and listening to the sound of a waterfall.

Mrs. Hyde: (Harry): I wondered why my pants were steadily growing warmer and wetter as I listened to all that flowing water…

The memory of what I had done did eventually return. The Dragon balls,

Sands: (Harry): —smacking hard against my chin as he made me take his huge Dragon Cock—

Mervin and Hyde: *pummel him*

Snape: *watches smugly from the sidelines*


my wishes, the attack of the Death Eaters. For a while I decided just to savour the warm bedding I was wrapped in and sighed contentedly.

Mrs. Hyde: GAH, DON’T SAVOR IT THAT MUCH!!!!

Sands: It’s not the bedding that’s warm—he’s got someone tucked down in there with him.

Snape: More likely it’s the lump in the seat of his trousers.


Eventually, I decided that I had to determine where I was.

Snape: Is there anything else you care to decide, Potter, or are you going to cease using that word and try a little creativity for a change? No, I suppose that would be asking far too much of you.

The Dragon had said he would

Mervin: —give much pleasure with minimal effort—

send me to a place where I could learn to fulfil my destiny,

Sands: You and Voldemort are so alike—both setting so much by that prophesy. *takes a draw on his cigarette*

Mervin: I think that’s a good idea. *lights up one of her own*


so I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes noting that my glasses were not nearby.

Snape: I find it remarkable that he’s supposedly oh-so powerful in this author’s universe, but he won’t bother thinking up a spell that corrects his vision.

Mervin: Oh, don’t worry—he will.

Sands: What a bastard.


The world rather looked a blur.

Sands: Oh, you have it sooooo awful. The world is blurry. Poor, poor baby. *pushes his sunglasses a little farther up his nose with his middle finger*

But from what I could tell, I was not alone. Next to by bed sat a man who was staring at me in silence.

Mrs. Hyde: (Harry): Why are you looking at me that way, sir?

“Glasses?” I asked looking around for them.

Snape: You didn’t “ask,” Potter, you soft little white worm—you demanded, and don’t insult me by pretending otherwise.

I noticed a bundle on a desk not far from my bed and it looked like

Mrs. Hyde: —Uncle Knicknack—

my possessions were all there, including my clothes. It was an odd way for me to realise I was naked under these soft duvets.

Mervin: Holy crap! He was enjoying the sheets that way!

Sands: I’m more worried about that man who’s staring at him.


The man seemed to grasp that I needed something and walked over to the desk.

“Which device do you require?” he asked in a rich melodic, yet grave voice.

Snape: With so much baggage attached to his voice, I’m surprised he can talk at all, let alone be understood.

Mrs. Hyde: Like you have room to talk, you overgrown bat.

Snape: I’d hardly expected your intellectual capacity to be any greater than Potter’s—thank you for confirming it.


“The spectacles to fit on my face, I am short sighted,” I replied.

Snape: Potters are short in all the ways that matter: height, sense, wit, pocket change, and penis.

The man nodded and after a few moments handed me my glasses. I quickly placed them on my face, only to be rather shocked at

Sands: —sticking your dick in an outlet—

seeing something written out of legend and lore come to life in front of my very eyes. This was not a man that was moving to set next to me again; he was

Mervin: —differently sexed.

a high-elf, an Eldar.

Snape: What is this rot? The only elves extant in my canon are House Elves.

I had researched them with Hermoine once,

Mervin: “Hermoine” makes an appearance yet again. Yay.

when we were looking for information on the house-elves of my realm, and had broken off on a tangent.

Mrs. Hyde: Yes, I think going from S.P.E.W. to Tolkien is quite a jump.

Snape: This is ridiculous—Potter has neither the intellect nor the inclination to join Granger on her misguided forays into the library, and that little pedant can hardly be expected to appreciate literature, as she would be forced to give up time that could otherwise be spent immersed in didactic rote to overcompensate for her otherwise unremarkable mental capacity.

Sands: I’m just wondering where Ron was during all this.

Mervin: Gone—that’s where he usually is in fics written by this asswipe.

Sands: Lucky bastard.


“What is your name?” asked the elf.

“My given name in my native realm is Harry,” I answered with a rather wide eyed expression.

Snape: Oh, good Lord. *pinches the bridge of his nose*

All three: *slyly* Do that again.

Mervin: It’s sexy.

Snape: *stony silence*


“Well met, Harry, I am Lord Elrond Halfelven, you are in Rivendell, the Last Homely House east of the Sea, in Middle-Earth, this realm is known as Arda,” said Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: I’d expect a being that is Holier Than Thou to be able to speak properly.

I studied the elf for a while with a reverent fascination,

Mervin: —until Elrond got tired of the insolent bugger staring at him like he was some kind of interesting insect and smote him.

his face was ageless, neither old nor young, though in it was written the memory of many things both happy and sad. His hair was dark as the shadows of twilight and upon it were set a circlet of silver; his eyes were grey as a clear evening, and in them was a light like the light of stars. Venerable he seemed as a king crowned with many winters, and yet hale as a tried warrior in the fullness of his strength.

Sands: That was one hell of a change of style.

Mervin: Yeah—that’s to be expected when he decides to plagiarize Tolkien instead of writing an original description of Elrond. *looks askance at Snape and Hyde* Well, looks like we’re about to get a good rant going—they look pissed.

Sands: Great! *settles in*

Snape: *icily* After fourteen years of enduring constant and unending attempts of students to pass of others’ work as their own, my tolerance of plagiarism is worn to a thread.

Mrs. Hyde: That son of a bitch! This is worse than Rose Potter! At least there he came out and said that he was taking the books and changing them to suit himself! Here he’s just out and out stealing it!

Snape: And after the pathetic excuse for the written word that we’ve seen before now, he honestly expects people not to notice?

Mervin: Well, actually…they didn’t.

Snape: Obviously he has collected a fanbase comprised of individuals of comparable, if not lesser intellect than his own. I didn’t think there were that many people who actually surpassed Potter in complete oblivious idiocy.

Sands: That was pretty hot, guys—can’t wait for the next one!


“What year is it?” I asked, figuring they must have some sort of calendar system.

Mrs. Hyde: (Harry): I mean, I know these people are obviously more primitive than me, but…

“Five hundred of the Third Age, October, the twenty fifth,” answered Elrond,

Mervin: I have the sneaking suspicion that that was movie verse.

“please forgive my frankness but

Sands: (Elrond): —but could you please just get down on your knees and suck me off?

what do you call yourself? You come in the shape of a Man

Snape: *derisive laughter*

Mervin: That’s not a man—more like a box turtle.


but your power and the fact that you are immortal to the ravages of time

Mrs. Hyde: Excuse me?

Mervin: Oh, yeah—that. Well, as long as he’s in Arda, here, he’s pretty much, well, an elf.

Snape: Ah—so the author wishes Harry to become truly great, to go farther than any other wizard has before in his quest for immortality. Well done.


marks you otherwise.”

Sands: …I really don’t know what he said, and I don’t think it would make any more sense if I could see it. I think that warrants a shot of tequila! Join me, Mistress Hyde.

Mrs. Hyde: I prefer kamikazes, thank you.

Sands: Whatever gets you drunk fastest, I advise you to do it.


“I am a wizard,” I replied after mulling on his rather curious question, but I was in a foreign realm, they probably have never seen a wizard before.

Snape: Oh, I am sure you are in your element now, Potter. How soon do you plan on showing off your talents and proving to the obviously inferior species how wonderful you are? Or perhaps are you saving it, for the grand and glorious unveiling of your considerable prowess to give the savages a real show?

“Have you come to contest the will of the Dark Lord Sauron?” asked Elrond seriously. I truly frowned at this question.

Mervin: “Truly frowned.” That is making me laugh for some reason. *laughs*

Sands: Well, I’m going to truly take a drink of tequila, truly take another drag on my cig, and truly reach over here…

Mrs. Hyde: *throws a hardback copy of HBP at him* DON’T TOUCH ME!!!!

Snape: I, on the other hand, truly marvel at your persistence—you are truly attempting to surpass Potter in terms of stupidity.

Sands: *sing-songy, nursing a bruise* If at first you don’t succeed…

Snape: Keep bumbling ad infinitem, hmm?

Sands: Up yours with a twirling lawnmower.

Mervin: Don’t make me have a mattress eat you, Sands.

Sands: Oh, I could take Krueger this time around—I mean, look at me. I am drop dead sexy now.

Mrs. Hyde: Not really.

Sands: *sighs* Out of all the women in the world, I have to be stuck with the only two who don’t think I am the sexiest man alive.

Mervin: Sands, you are sitting beside a man who has a big nose and a sexy voice. I’m sorry—you just can’t compete.

Snape: *nasty smirk* May I also add that I have lovely dark eyes?

Sands: Oh, fuck you with a crowbar, Snape.


This realm had a Dark Lord as well.

Mrs. Hyde: Yes. You.

Could this be why the Dragon sent me here?

Sands: Oh, yeah—they need some puny little sixteen-year-old wizard to defeat Sauron. Go fuck off, you fuzzy little shithead.

Snape: Well said.


If I learned how to fight against this Sauron, could I contest Voldemort properly when I returned home?

Mervin: They’re hardly in the same league, you nitwit.

Snape: Considering that the real Dark Lord will make short work of you when the time comes, what on earth makes you think you stand even the slightest chance against a Maia? Oh, no—how could I forget? Your own endless and unfounded arrogance in your own meager abilities leads you to believe that the world owes you a living, so of course you can defeat some pathetic little minor deity! What in the world was I thinking?

Sands: Well said to you, too—oh, and speaking of the Dark Lord making short work of Harry…

Snape: No.


“I come to contest the will of any Dark Lord who reveals himself,

Snape: (Potter): —because it will be the ultimate stroke to my already colossal ego!

but I myself am far from ready for any such thing, I have come to prepare as much and as long as possible for this challenge, I am fated by Prophecy to do this,”

Mrs. Hyde: You aren’t fated to do anything, you wanker. Mervin, can this author get any dumber?

Mervin: Yes.


I replied, then Elrond at once stared at me and then around me, closing his eyes.

Mervin: (Elrond): Oh, my God, what did I just pull out of the river? I should have let it drown!

“Yes, I see the strings of Destiny twirling around you,

Mrs. Hyde: A Swirly of the Fates!

but why are you so young?” asked Elrond in an astonished tone. I laughed briefly at the question.

Mrs. Hyde: You do NOT LAUGH at ELROND HALFELVEN.

Snape: And Elrond Halfelven would not be in awe of a scrawny little boy they’d found in the river.


“I am but sixteen years old, Lord Elrond, but my experience is more than many elders of my realm can demonstrate,

Snape: Certainly in terms of your own arrogance, you self-aggrandizing louse.

I have come here for precisely that reason,” I said, “to a place where time has no meaning for me, where I can prepare to meet my destiny in this realm and the other.”

Sands: Now, let’s all just step back and examine that paragraph from several angles. My angle? Shoot it. Next!

Mervin: I don’t think Elrond would be very impressed with you, Harry. I mean…he’s Elrond. The Elrond. The Elf who was so great they had to get Agent Smith to play him in the movies.

Mrs. Hyde: I’m just boggling at the complete lack of grasp this idiot has of Harry’s character. He’s just appeared in a strange place, confronted by a species not his own, told that he’s effectively immortal, has no idea when he’ll see those he loves again, and he’s fine with this?

Snape: He’s more than “fine with it.” He is, in not so many words, informing the Elves that he was brought here with the express purpose of having them wait upon him hand and foot and serving his every whim. I think you are mistaken, Mrs. Hyde—that sounds exactly like Potter.


Elrond stared at me for a while and a small smile broke out on his face.

Sands: (Elrond): *pleasantly* Let me show you the way out. Please don’t come back.

“Welcome, wizard, among the elves you will be known as Thaurdacil,

Mrs. Hyde: …what the hell is that?

Mervin: Best I could tell? It means abominable.

Sands: I agree.

Snape: Well, the Sindarin for “Useless Parasite with a Testosterone Deficiency who Bumbles His Way Through Life Surviving on the Sacrifices of Others and Sheer Dumb Luck” would be a bit of a mouthful.


please use this name and not the native one from your realm, it will avoid much confusion,”

Mervin: *laughing* “May we call you Bruce, then? Just to keep it clear!”

stated Elrond and stood from his chair,

Sands: (Elrond): And you shall call me Master. *slaps his thigh with a riding crop*

“take your time to settle in Thaurdacil,

Mervin and Mrs. Hyde: WAUGH!!

Sands: What?! What happened?!

Snape: Through the loss of a critically important comma, Potter is going to spend an hour fucking himself.


in one hour I will send for you,

Sands: (Elrond): And you’d better be in those assless chaps, little man.

as lunch will be served.”

Mervin: (Elrond): And you are the main course.

Elrond bowed and closed the door of the room behind him.

Mrs. Hyde: Elrond bowing to this little turd really pisses me off.

Snape: Although it’s no less than Potter would expect, really.


I sighed warily and climbed out of the bed. The first thing I did was to immediately restore my trunk to its proper size. I dressed in some emerald dress robes

Mervin: Those are some expensive clothes—I’d hate to be his date.

and trousers and a sturdy pair of boots.

Mrs. Hyde: A red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes. And yes, he is retarded.

I stared at the mirror and concentrated briefly to lengthen my hair to my shoulders;

Mervin: Just to remind us that he is, in fact, a Metamorphmagus, and we should all be in awe of his abilities.

Snape: Oh, well, then it looks like the author has a better grasp on Potter’s character than I had previously thought—he too expects adulation for abilities and fortune that he was born into, rather than for skills that he has to cultivate.


it was much better behaved this way.

Sands: Pardon me while I laugh at that statement.

Mervin: Harry, all four of us have long hair—if you really wanted your hair to behave, you’d just shave it all off.


My wand and its holster I strapped to my forearm, where it was hidden in my sleeve and I could easily retrieve it with a flick of my wrist.

Mervin: Oh, God, please tell me we are not going to have to endure the endless wand holster comments like we did in Rose Potter.

My ordinary clothes I hung on one of the chairs at the fine mahogany desk to let dry.

I walked through some curtains that were slightly billowing,

Sands: Jesus—no wonder these fics are so long. He spends forever and a day describing the pointless shit, of which there is a lot!

in an attempt to get my bearings of the place I was in. The sight I saw shocked me with its beauty and radiance. Rivendell was truly a place full of life and magic.

Sands: And I’m sure he’s just gonna cavort and skip and prance through it like the little queen he is! *flounces around*

Snape: You do that far too naturally for comfort.

Sands: *lisping* Oh, sister, let me tell you. I would flutter my eyelashes at you, but, well… *sits down and drinks*


It was situated in a valley and the sky overhead was pure blue, with a trace of sun rising from the east over the peak.

Mrs. Hyde: You know…I think he gave the curtains more description than he did Rivendell. We hear exactly how the curtains are behaving, but Rivendell gets three sentences. Ratio-wise…the curtains are more important.

I walked forward onto the balcony and breathed the fresh humid air, coming from the waterfall that ran through Rivendell.

Mervin: What?! A waterfall is running through Rivendell?!

The voice of the crashing water was music in my ears and I felt I could sleep like a baby to its resonant hum.

I just stood there looking for I hardly knew how long

Sands: Oh, GOD, my brain is leaking out of my EARS from having to listen to his awkwardly arranged sentences!!! *shakes his head like a dog*

until a soft knock on the door, drew me out of the wonderful reverie I was in. Rivendell would be a wonderful place to learn and train, if Lord Elrond would have me.

Sands: Oh, I’m pretty sure he will, son—with or without lube. *sucks on his cigarette, sniggering*

I also knew I would have to explore Middle-Earth, and brave its dangers, learn of its people, and make allies.

Mervin: What, are we reading his diary?!

I would have to first see to the fall of Sauron,

Snape: …I am amazed. I have seen Potter’s arrogance exceed limits I had previously thought unreachable, but that right there is perhaps the most pompous thing I have ever heard him say. He honestly does believe that he was sent here to defeat a lesser diety—and that he can.

but I knew I had a long way to go.

Mrs. Hyde: Boy. He’s sure quick to accept all this. Has he even thought about his friends yet, and how he probably won’t see them for years?

Snape: You’ll find that Potter’s boundless capacity for thinking only of himself and his own glory tends to edge out any other semblance of thought processes he may otherwise possess.


I turned and walked to my door and opened it. There I was greeted with another sight of beauty.

Sands: Me. *stretches luxuriantly*

Mervin: That’s—Sands, put your shirt back on. You have a gunshot wound on your arm, and it’s not pleasant to look at.

Sands: If I flex it, I’m pretty sure blood spurts out of it—

Mrs. Hyde: Let’s not find out.

Snape: Your chest resembles a xylophone.

Sands: Oh, you’re one to talk, you who is a houseplant kept in the dark.


“Greetings Thaurdacil,” bowed a she-elf. She had smooth long honey blonde hair

Mervin: The adjectives! ARRGGGHHH!!!!

and she wore robes of purest white. Her eyes were blue as sapphires

Mrs. Hyde: Well, then, she’s obviously a lower-class elf—all the really big dogs have gray eyes.

and her face was soft but strong, her nose was tiny,

Snape: Well, as above, so below.

Sands: Excuse me?!

Snape: *smirks*


and I could only think of that as totally cute.

Mervin: Like, totally! *smacks gum*

Her pointed ears were remarkably pronounced, but her stature was quite small, I stood a full head above her.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, yeah, right—short elves. Are they gonna live under mushrooms next?

Sands: What’s new in the hollow tree, ya freak?


“I am ordered to guide you to the hall for lunch,” she said.

Snape: Against her will, she is sent to bid him come in to lunch.

Mrs. Hyde: Hey, now—don’t dignify this crap with good quotes.

Snape: Between this story and the three of you, I have to do something to maintain my sanity.


“Certainly,” I replied, “and you are?”

“I am called Enebaiel,”

Sands: Inebriated?

Mervin: No, Enebaiel…although I think I like yours better. On the other hand, the only thing that translated to was “dead,” which also works.


she replied looking down from meeting my eyes.

Snape: An elf cannot meet his eyes. The only reason I could fathom this being the case is that, as a semi-divine being, she is revolted by the utter lack of intelligence behind his eyes.

I hardly knew of proper protocol in greeting like this and in this realm.

Sands: THIS is the proper protocol! *starts unbuckling his belt*

Mervin: STOP IT.


But her beauty kicked in a memory of seeing something on television back home.

Snape: I really have no interest in watching you re-enact your pornography of choice, Potter.

Mrs. Hyde: I wouldn’t worry—that’s a girl.


I reached down and took her hand and softly kissed it.

Mervin: It took TV to tell him to do that?! WTF?

I have never recalled being so nervous in my life,

Sands: You’re a loser, aren’t you?

Snape: You’ve only just noticed that?


as I awaited her reaction after dropping her hand. She still refused to meet my eyes but I could definitely see a tinge of red colouring her cheeks.

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah, the Tolkien-esque elf is crushing on a scrawny little boy. Uh-huh. Right.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Enebaiel,” I replied hoping to get the pronunciation right.

“Follow me,” she said softly and led the way out of the guest quarters.

Mervin: —and into the mosh pit.

As she led the way I saw many other elves, busy with their daily chores of living.

Snape: Since living takes so much effort.

Sands: Yes, it does—look at me!

Snape: I’d rather not.


Enebaiel kept a running commentary of where we were;

Snape: But the author didn’t feel like sharing that with the rest of us.

the place that most interested me was the very large library.

Mrs. Hyde: Like HELL—that is about as OOC as it gets. Harry only goes in the library if Hermione makes him!

The language all the books were written in though was totally foreign.

Mrs. Hyde: Woah, woah, woah—wait a minute. How is he talking to these people, anyway?

It seemed that even though the people here spoke a very old version of English,

Mervin: There’s your answer!

Sands: *just laughing*


their writing had evolved much differently.

Snape: They speak English but write in the Tengwar?

Mrs. Hyde: Clearly this idiot has no idea that the common tongue of ME is Westron. The bonehead.

Mervin: *howling with laughter* Oh, this is fantastic! This reminds me of the Star Wars Christmas Special! You know, where the Wookiees speak nothing but Wookiee-ese, but the comm system in their house is in English?! *ROTFL*


And here I had to add another listing to the things I had to learn,

Snape: Bladder control, possibly?

the languages of Middle-Earth. It would have to be done first before I could explore the knowledge that was in that library.

Snape: As one of his professors, I can assure you that Potter spends no time whatsoever in any library unless forced.

On a whole the elves who saw me as I passed kept their expressions neutral, on occasion I did catch one with

Sands: —their pants around their ankles—

a curious stare in his or her eyes, but it was rather quickly covered up. It seemed all elves were natural Occlumens

Mrs. Hyde: Or, maybe, THEY’RE NOT FRIGGIN’ HUMAN!!!!!!

or were at least taught it, as I could hardly pick up any thought from them.

Snape: And what were you doing snooping around in their minds in the first place? For that matter, when did the boy so empty-headed that anyone could look into his skull suddenly master occlumency and legilimency?

Mervin: Oh, he picked up on that in about a month or two. You suck, you see, and Harry is just that awesome.


Finally we entered what looked to be the dining hall of Elrond’s house.

Mervin: “House?!” Oh, dammit, I’m having Cardigan flashbacks!

Sands: Bring on Priscilla, Queen of Imladris! Hey, Snape—let’s dress in drag! I know for a fact that I’m hot in a dress.

Snape: *pointedly ignores Sands*


I could see only four elves seated at the large dining table. Elrond sat at the head,

Sands: —while Potter gave the head—

Snape: Well, he is well-practiced.


while two other elves sat on his left I sensed a strong bond between them

Mrs. Hyde: I wish I didn’t sense that run-on sentence.

and it took me a moment to see from appearance that they were twins, there was a chair open to Elrond’s left, but next to the empty chair sat a she-elf.

Mervin: …my GOD, that was a long run-on sentence! That was one of the worst I’ve ever seen! Seriously!

Her black hair stood in remarkable similarity to mine.

Mrs. Hyde: YOU BITCH.

Snape: I would say that I couldn’t believe that even Potter wouldn’t have the unmitigated gall to compare that hurricane on his head to the hair of Arwen Undómiel, but, unfortunately, he does.


“Please Thaurdacil,

Mervin: That sounds like sexual harassment.

Mrs. Hyde: No, it sounds like medication for erectile dysfunction.

Snape: Good thing for him it’s not, else your eyeless little friend over there would want to eat him more than he already does.

Sands: Go take your estrogen supplements, you tranny fuckhead, and shut your hole.


join us, sit on my right,” instructed Elrond with a gesture to the empty seat.

Mervin: Yes—the empty seat that was to his LEFT just a few sentences ago.

Mrs. Hyde: Elves LOVE musical chairs—love it almost as much as Pictionary.


“Thank you Lord Elrond,” I replied and took a seat. I finally had a chance to study the she-elf

Snape: Stop calling them she-elves, you uppity little cockroach.

and found her another study in beauty. If all the she-elves in Rinvendell were of this nature, I knew I was in deep trouble.

Sands: Oh, hell—I was a teenager once, too, Harry, and a regular nympho about it, but I managed to keep from wandering around with a woody in public quite nicely.

The braids of her dark hair were touched by no frost and she was remarkably similar in form to Elrond, young she was and yet not. Her white arms and clear face were flawless and smooth, and the light of the stars was in her bright eyes grey as a cloudless night, she wore the presence of a Queen and thought and knowledge were in her eyes. Above her brow her head was covered with a cap of silver lace netted with small gems, glittering white; her soft grey clothes had no adornment save a girdle of leaves wrought in silver.

Mervin: And he does it again.

Sands: Well, at least this time he tried to make it seem like it was his—nice run-on, there.

Snape: I find that to be even more offensive than the previous plagiarism—he, in his attempts to cover up the fact that it is not his writing, completely butchered Tolkien’s prose.

Mrs. Hyde: I’m trying to soothe my fury with the humor inherent in this idiot’s complete lack of originality—he does nothing but copy from superior sources, and it’s painfully obvious when he does. “It is both good and original; what is good is not original, and what is original is not good.”

That said, I still want to run over him a couple of times with my Lawn Boy.


“Thaurdacil, let me introduce to you Elladan and Elohir, my twin sons,” the twins slightly bowed their heads in greeting,

Mrs. Hyde: Did the twins just introduce themselves like that?

“to your right sits my daughter, Arwen.”

Snape: If this piece of refuse attempts to woo Arwen—

Mervin: He doesn’t—that first elf-chick is his squeeze.


“It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” I stated with a friendly smile. The food was served and I found myself hopelessly lost

Snape: —as usual—

Mervin: Tell me about it—I read your fic, I was hopelessly lost most of the time, too.


in devouring the delicious food, the taste was just as good if not better than Hogwarts meals.

Sands: The run-ons are so bad, I can see them, and I’m fucking blind!

At this point Elledan started a conversation.

Mervin: Who’s “Elledan?”

“Forgive the question Thaurdacil, when I found you in the river,

Mrs. Hyde: (Elladen): You were wearing pants—we preferred it that way, you know.

your hair was but short. Now you have long tresses that rival Arwen’s,

Mrs. Hyde: *smites*

how can this be?” he asked with a slightly teasing look to his younger sister.

Snape: And yet again, Potter compares his hair to that of the fairest being currently in Middle Earth. If his arrogance increases much more, I will be forced to cut out his heart with a spoon.

Sands: *jumps up, pointing at Snape* Mervin!!!

Mervin: Sands, it’s not nearly as bad with him as it is you, and you see, he’s so sexy about it—

Sands: If I can’t, he can’t!!! If he’s allowed to do that, I’m gonna start quoting Captain Jack Sparrow, Mort Rainey, and Willy Wonka—and then I’ll start singing!

Mrs. Hyde: *quickly* SNAPE, DON’T DO THAT EVER AGAIN.

Mervin: *scowling* You’re just enabling him.

Mrs. Hyde: Look, I hate crossovers even more than you do, and when it comes to him, there is NO WAY IN HELL I’m gonna take even the SLIGHTEST risk of a crossover—not after the summaries you’ve shown me.


“You have my thanks for fishing me out of the river Elladan,”

Sands: And he has no thanks from me for it.

I replied my mouth slightly quirking with a restrained smile,

Mervin: (Not!Harry): I am just so awesome.

“one of the many skills a wizard may posses is extreme control over his body.”

Sands: (Not!Harry): I can make it sing, dance, go up like a radio antenna, and squirt thirty feet across the room! Now that is EXTREME CONTROL!!!

Mervin: (Elrond): Not impressed—size does matter around here, little boy, and we recognize compensation quite easily.


I closed my eyes and briefly concentrated, changing my hair colour to a light blonde, and altering my ears to mirror those of an elf, and finally changing my eyes to blue.

Sands: It’s Leggy! That deliciously shaggable Elf.

Mervin: *smacks him* NO.


Next I focused on altering my features to a close replica of the twin. I regarded Elladan’s rather shocked expression with amusement. “Are the ears wrong?” I asked lightly.

Snape: Remarkable—this author is better than I thought. He has Potter’s arrogance down to an art.

Arwen giggled softly

Sands: Even I know that Arwen is not a giggly little schoolgirl.

and I could even see Elrond rather trying to stop a smile from breaking.

Mervin: Speaking of breaking… *lugs out a sledgehammer*

With a soft shake of my head I returned myself to my normal appearance but keeping the long black hair and the elf ears.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, yes—gotta make sure the Elves always keep in mind that you are, in fact, that awesome, because they might forget and we can’t have that, can we?

I was rather surprised to feel a soft finger touching the pointed ear after a while.

“It’s real,” gasped Arwen,

Mrs. Hyde: It’s Wonkavision!

Mervin: *slaps Mrs. Hyde* You’re asking for trouble—don’t.

Sands: *smirks* You know you want me.

Mrs. Hyde: To die? Yes.


“it’s not an illusion.”

Sands: (Not!Harry): You wanna know what else isn’t an illusion? *leers at her*

“Of course it’s not, I doubt I could throw a veil over my appearance that would affect how your minds perceive me,” I replied returning idly to eating my meal,

Mrs. Hyde: Harry, you are among a species that is so above you on the ladder that you can’t even begin to comprehend it—I really recommend that you stop acting like they’re stupid natives that you can impress with beads.

“your minds are well protected, indeed all the elves I have seen here are as well,

Mervin: (Not!Harry): Which is irritating—that means I can’t poke around in your minds and wow you all with yet another awesome talent of mine!

do you train it, or are you born naturally with it?”

“It’s trained when an elf reaches ten years old,” replied Elrond.

Snape: They’re not human—why on Earth would they have to worry about Occlumency?

“Among wizards we call this art, Occlumency,” I stated,

Mrs. Hyde: More like you call it an unnecessary comma.

drinking some water to wash down the meal.

Sands: Oh, “water.” Is that what you call it?

The others at the table had finished their meals and the plates were taken away

Mrs. Hyde: —and rammed straight up your plagiarizing ass—

by elves, among who were Enebaiel.

I found my eyes lingering on her

Sands: —cleavage—

as she took my plate and headed out of the hall, remarkably she had her eyes locked on mine as well.

Mrs. Hyde: Pervert. She’s sixteen, which is not nubile for an elf.

I broke contact as idly as possible and felt rather bothered.

Sands: Oh, just say you popped a boner straight through your robes and be done with it, would you? “Bothered,” who the hell talks like that?

But it was time to get down to business.

Sands: (Not!Harry): So—will I be top or bottom?

Snape: I can guarantee the latter.


“Lord Elrond, I humbly ask

Snape: For Potter, that’s impossible.

if you could care to allow me to consider Rivendell home during my stay in Middle-Earth, and if there are any tasks I can do to earn my keep.” I asked rather nervously.

Mervin: (Elrond): No. You can go live with humans. We’re Elves and we don’t take kindly to people who drop out of the sky and then treat us as if we were inferior.

“The only task you should concern yourself with Thaurdacil,

Snape: Comma error, yes, but most accurate—I guarantee you that Potter can concern himself with only himself quite easily.

is to train and prepare yourself, something which I would gladly help you with,” answered Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: (Elrond): You’ll be nude, of course.

I nodded in thanks.

“The mornings I need to train my wizardry,” I stated,

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): —unbuttoning my pants to pull it out—

it reminded me to return my ears to normal, which I did.

Mervin: Again, just to remind everybody that he is that awesome.

“Very well,” replied Elrond, “after lunch then you train with me in the skills necessary to survive Middle-Earth,

Sands: (Elrond): We’ll be visiting all the best whorehouses in Arda!

Mrs. Hyde: I love how Elrond has absolutely nothing better to do than spend all eternity helping Harry become Superman.


one of the twins will fill in as necessary should I not be able to and should even they be abroad then Arwen will.”

Mervin: Oh, that’s even better! Nobody has anything better to do than help Harry become Superman!

I nodded in thanks.

Snape: I see Potter has been reduced to his usual state—nodding stupidly.

“Only once you are equipped enough, will you also be able to venture abroad,

Sands: I’d rather hear about venturing a broad. When are we gonna get to that?

but do keep me informed as to your whereabouts, I might need to call on you.”

Mrs. Hyde: What the hell for? Just what could this ponce do that Elrond couldn’t take care of himself?

Snape: Well, perhaps he’s in need of a court fool.


“A question if I may Lord Elrond,” I said,

Mervin: Oh my God—I just realized. That is the first time anyone has “said” anything since Inebriated came down and fetched him for lunch.

my curiosity rather got the better of me, the Lord of Rivendell nodded,

Snape: *rubs his temples* Commas and periods are perhaps more abused by Potter than I am. They have my pity.

“how old is Enebaiel?” I asked, my nervousness clearly showing. Lord Elrond smiled enigmatically

Mervin: Oh, hello, Morpheus—I was wondering if you’d make an appearance.

and traded a glance with Arwen.

Sands: (Elrond): He is gonna have so much sex with her.

“You share your ages,” he stated softly. I was rather proud of myself for not grinning like a fool.

Mrs. Hyde: Insta-Love! Just add woody.

Sands: *leers at Hyde*

Mrs. Hyde: Get away from me.


“You may explore Rivendell to your content Thaurdacil, do not stray beyond it.”

Snape: Excellent—Potter, in his infinite wisdom, will certainly disobey that order. I look forward to watching him be eaten alive by Wargs.



( I really, really hate Enebaiel. )

( The only good thing that might have come out of this scene is that the fic “Celebrían” never would’ve been written. )

( Harry joins the Fellowship and calls the hobbits “dead weight.” )
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