Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Part IX)

First off—sorry this took so long. Hopefully, the last part won’t take nearly as long. I was just SO burnt out. A combo of things caused this to be so late. I really tore through Twilight and then launched immediately into this AND New Moon AND have been prepping for Breaking Dawn, which I wanna start on this LJ next month for the initial draft and because you guys have been waiting long enough for it…I kind of had a total Twi-overload. So I needed a break. I’m going through and answering all of the comments I haven’t answered, too, on previous LJ posts. Sorry I’ve been silent. I’ve just needed a break. Thanks for your patience!

Here we go! In Part VIII, any stupidity you previously thought was mind boggling suddenly became impressive intelligence compared to the utter cretinism we observed as Riley announced that ZOMG. TODAY IS ONE OF FOUR DAYS A YEAR THAT WE CAN GO OUT AND SPARKLE!!! Even though a lot of these vampires are well over three months old, and he’s never mentioned this before, and you can tell he just pulled that out of his ass. Fortunately, everybody is stupid—including Bree. Because even though she KNOWS he’s lying, guess what? She’s going to go with him anyway! BECAUSE SHE’S GOTTA FIND DIEGO, BECAUSE HE’S CLEARLY STILL ALIVE. Oh, and Freaky Fred left. Goodbye, Freaky Fred. Don’t be too…naughty.

Part IX


Bree sets off after the group, and doesn’t take too long to catch up to them. Riley notices her back in the group, but doesn’t say anything. Shortly after that, Raoul smells Bella Bacon, and then everybody else does, and there goes the whole army thing, because Bella just smells so good, it drives everyone into a frenzy.

*pauses already* May I just say that this reeks of Meyer trying to make it out like Bella just saved the day? That the newborns were semi-disciplined and probably could’ve done some damage to the Cullens if she hadn’t wandered around in the woods and smeared her bacony blood and hair everywhere. To say nothing of the fact that I think she’s trying to prove that, even though Bella DIDN’T cut herself with the rock and made zero sacrifice, she is still totally just like the Third Wife.

Either way, it’s making sure we’re all focused on Bella (meaning Meyer) in this scene. I’m starting to wonder if we will actually get our predicted overly-elaborate Cullen descriptions now. This story hasn’t been about the Cullens nearly as much as it has been about Bella.

Bree drones on about how even though she ate who knows how many people last night (innocent people—did you ever mention that?), she’s already thirsty because Bella’s just sooooo tasty, and it’s driving everyone crazy. Bree holds back to avoid the scent, and notices that Riley’s doing the same thing and ordering people to do stuff—who aren’t paying attention, of course, because we’re all focusing on Bella now. Riley finally manages to get them to split into two groups and loop around for the ambush, while Riley says he is “spear point with Raoul”. Bree doesn’t wanna go with Riley, but seeing as the group that Kristie is leading off in another direction is already tearing their own teammates’ heads off over Bella Bacon, she decides it’s probably best to head with Riley. Because she’s a coward.

Riley catches up to Raoul and announces that he’s going to go help Kristie, and Bree spazzes over that and skitters to a halt. He starts running back, but we have that big, obvious moment where he just slows down and starts walking and is smiling all sinisterly. I mean, to the point where it looks like this.


And does Bree get it?

No.

Riley sees Bree after he grins evilly and twirls his mustache, so he stops doing that and again says that he’s gonna go help Kristie, telling Bree to go with Raoul. Instead of saying, “What—you’re gonna walk to help Kristie?” Bree timidly asks if he’s leaving them. And upon that, even Bree states how obvious it is that Riley changes his expression to one of worry and panic that he didn’t have before and says that he can’t find Victoria anywhere, and that something is obviously wrong and, well, he’s just gotta find Victoria while the newborn army goes and attacks the Cullens. Instead of asking, “Weren’t you just going back to help Kristie?” Bree whines that Raoul’s going to catch the Cullens before Riley finds Victoria, implying they need him there with them to help defeat said Cullens. Riley puts on the desperation act, saying he “wasn't supposed to do this alone”, and that he really needs to go find Victoria. Instead of asking, “Weren’t you just smiling five seconds ago? Why are you all panicked now?” Bree immediately buys his lie that he TOTALLY CROSSED DIEGO’S SCENT UP THERE, BY THE WAY, so she’d better go meet him, now run along, please, so she totally runs along now. As Riley ditches, he calls out this probably prophetic sentence: “It might be over by the time you get there!” Oh dear. I think we just got a hint that a lot of predictions just came true.

So, Riley ditches, Bree knows that he’s ditching, but she heads right down into battle anyway, BECAUSE DIEGO IS DOWN THERE. ‘Cause, you know, he’s lied about everything else, but he’s not lying about this. Even though she doesn’t smell Diego’s scent where he said it would be, SHE STILL KEEPS GOING. Oh dear God. You clearly deserve to die. Nothing as dumb as you deserves to live.

Well, as she runs, she suddenly hears the battle begin, and yes, it looks like we are totally going to miss it. She keeps blathering on about how CLEARLY, DIEGO IS THERE AND SHE HAS TO GET TO HIM (you are such an idiot), and then she smells smoke, and it’s obvious now that vampires are on fire. MAYBE DIEGO AND COMPANY ARE WINNING, BECAUSE CLEARLY DIEGO IS THERE (you are such an idiot). She flings herself through the smoke and into a field, and what do you know, everybody is already in pieces and the Cullens are having a huge vampire weenie roast in the middle of it. I do have to ask—why didn’t that massive bonfire catch anybody’s attention? A fire in the middle of the Olympic National Rainforest would get attention faster than you could say “environmental emergency”.

Even though the battle is still going on, despite her late arrival, Bree makes sure to completely ignore it so Meyer doesn’t have to describe anything. I kid you not—we were all right about Meyer copping out AGAIN. Bree just keeps looking around for Diego to the exclusion of all else, SINCE HE’S THERE, AND ALL (you are such an idiot), we get a brief description of Emmett tearing somebody’s head off and neatly tossing it into the fire (and it’s all kinds of awesome), one mention of Alice, and then Jasper gives Bree the stinkeye and she feels it necessary to tell us: “We were losing. Bad.

Have you no sense of grammar, Meyer? By phrasing it that way, it just looks like she was calling everyone bad dogs. Or speaking like a caveman. Fire, BAD!!! Losing, BAD!!!

Bree starts to run away, because Diego is clearly not there. We finally have that moment of dawning realization.


I turned and really ran for the trees, suddenly positive that Diego's presence here was just another of Riley's lies. And if Diego wasn't here, then he was already dead. This fell into place for me so easily that I thought I must have known the truth for a while. Since the moment that Diego had not followed Riley through the basement door. He'd already been gone.

No, honey, you didn’t know the truth. Because you’re an IDIOT.

She doesn’t quite make it to the trees before somebody body-slams her and makes to tear her head off. She manages the word “please”, but clarifies in her head that she means “please kill me fast”. Yes, she’s ready to die over that one guy she met four days ago and only spent about twenty-four hours with. Whoever that is that’s got her in a chokehold? Don’t kill her fast. Do it slowly.

Our blond mystery Cullen chucks Bree into a tree for no reason. Must be Jasper. He is blond. Bree once again says she doesn’t want to fight and wants “him to get this over with”. Well, why don’t you TELL him that, instead of phrasing it in a way that makes it look like you are just begging for your life so that he won’t? Oh, never mind—it wasn’t Jasper. It’s Carlisle. Nice to see he, too, has a sadistic streak a mile wide, chucking people into trees without provocation. I guess “first, do no harm” applies only to stupid, worthless humans. Vampires can harm whatever the hell they want.

Carlisle is suddenly all gentle and talking about how they were “only defending [themselves]”. Never mind how gleeful and excited they all were in Eclipse about getting to tear you guys apart. As you can see, Bree, Riley’s not the only one good at lying ‘til the end. Bree, true to form in believing anything anyone tells her, immediately starts feeling guilty about attacking them, since he’s all honest and nice and stuff.

Esme comes wandering up. Fight’s over! Anyone who bet on us not seeing the newborn battle, please collect your winnings—afraid they won’t be too much, as the odds were about, oh, 2:1 that we wouldn’t see this. Carlisle tells Esme that this chick is all pacifist. Esme immediately turns on the motherly instinct and starts almost begging to let her live. Carlisle is all compassionate, and Esme tells Bree how they don’t want to hurt her (liar) and that they didn’t want to fight (LIAR) and Bree starts apologizing to people she was just accepting as her enemies not four days ago and who were quite intent upon killing her not four minutes ago. And now she decides is as good a time as ever for some more introspection.


I couldn't make sense of the mess in my head. Diego was dead, and that was the main thing, the devastating thing. Other than that, the fight was over, my coven had lost and my enemies had won. But my dead coven was full of people who would have loved to watch me burn, and my enemies were speaking to me kindly when they had no reason to. Moreover, I felt safer with these two strangers than I'd ever felt with Raoul and Kristie. I was relieved that Raoul and Kristie were dead. It was so confusing.

Well, there we go. Even though we’re not getting purple-prose-filled quotes about their endless beauty, we are getting a bunch of bullshit about how sweet and kind they are after they were just ripping off heads with all the gleeful abandon of those people you just said were mean. Carlisle starts making all kinds of promises about how they won’t hurt her if she just surrenders, and even though I am still looking forward to watching this prime example of Darwin Award material get axed, I still start getting pissed off at the Cullens for lying like this, knowing full well that they are gonna turn her over to the Volturi so they can take care of it.

Carlisle says if she is truthful with them when they start asking her stuff, she’ll be fine. And that’s when General Jasper shows up. Bree takes one look at his scarred visage and almost has a complete freak out, because scars = scary. Jasper takes one look at her and goes, “Oh, sweet, I thought I’d kill them all!” and makes to jump her, even though Carlisle and Esme are quite obviously talking to her, and Carlisle whacks Jasper with a rolled up newspaper to get him to stop. He explains the situation, and then…

I had to take extreme measures. We are going to do a sporking. From here forward—it will be sporked. I’ll clip what I can, but…holy God. I went through and looked for a good stopping point but…it never stops. And in one case? Just when you think it can’t get any worse…it gets worse.

I say again, my dears. Hold onto your butts.



The scarred vampire's brow clouded, and suddenly I felt an unexpected surge of frustration, though I had no idea what I was frustrated with.

Well, Meyer wastes no time in beating us over the head. Except in this case, it is exceptionally stupid—when has this EVER happened with Jasper? Bella has NEVER described her mood changing with Jasper’s. In fact, the only time we ever heard of Jasper’s power is when he deliberately uses it to make Bella shut up and go to sleep.

Also, check that out—he’s not scared about this, or angry, or anything. No, he’s just pissy because they aren’t letting him off just one more newborn. I think the thrill of being back in the days when he was Grand High Executioner for Maria’s army is still upon him, and Carlisle is killing his buzz.


"Carlisle, I…" He hesitated, then continued, "I'm sorry, but that's not possible.

(Jasper): I mean, if we let her live and absorb her into our clan, she’ll be an unpaired Cullen. Considering it took us almost eighty years to find a mattress-mate for Edward over there, I am in no mood to do it all over again with this little piece of fluff.

We can't have any of these newborns associated with us when the Volturi come. Do you realize the danger that would put us in?"

*strained smile, and showcase hands at Jasper* And there you have it! Remember how in Eclipse, Meyer tried to fool you into thinking he mostly wanted to kill her because he didn’t trust her due to his terrible previous experiences with newborns that were driven crazy and used in armies? Nope! He wasn’t thinking that in the slightest. It was all about covering his own ass. Of course, that’s extremely flimsy as well. Why the hell would they think that you created this newborn?

I didn't understand exactly what he was saying, but I got enough. He wanted to kill me.

*nastily* Little different when you’re on the other end, isn’t it, you pustule?

"Jasper, she's only a child," the woman protested.

Yeah, not like all those other newborns you just slaughtered! Oh, wait.

"We can't just murder her in cold blood!"

*scratches chin* Hmmmm…yeah, there’s a lot more in this section that will warrant rage, so I’ll save it. Please, folks. Do marvel how Esme is saying this. Esme, who thinks her “son” Edward is just the saintliest little boy ever who went off and murdered people in cold blood. Who was joyful about Edward having only two futures ahead of him, one of which involved him murdering a young girl in cold blood, so long as it meant he wasn’t gay. Who cheerfully loans out cars to all of the vampires who arrive in Breaking Dawn when they need to go out and catch a bite to eat. Who just helped kill all of the newborns here, all of whom didn’t know any better just like Bree didn’t. But we can’t kill this one in cold blood.

*pause*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


It was strange to hear her speak like we both were people,

I’m so confused—Meyer has spoken for 4.5 books thus far about how humans aren’t people, only vampires are people. Now she’s saying vampires aren’t people? Or is Bree saying that the Cullens aren’t people? Does Meyer even know what “people” are?

like murder was a bad thing. An avoidable thing.

O_O

…holy shit.


"It's our family on the line here, Esme. We can't afford to have them think we broke this rule."

Well—you can’t afford it. We already know what Word of God says about you, Jasper. Lemme remind you.


Secondly, he's really mostly doing this for Alice. Alice is Jasper's entire life. She is the most important thing in the universe to him, and he would do absolutely anything for her. For Jasper, there would be no limit to who or what he would destroy for Alice. Not that she wants him destroying anything. She's the light side of their relationship — she makes him laugh (and he wasn't much of a laugher before Alice). Jasper is the most "vampire-y" of the Cullens, and, while he's fond of them all, he's not bonded to them the way the rest of them are.

So, even by Word of God, he’s lying. He’s not doing it for the family—he’s only doing it to save himself and Alice.

Do save your outrage on this guy. His story? Gets better.


The woman, Esme, walked between me and the one who wanted to kill me. Incomprehensibly, she turned her back to me.

Shall we all marvel? Let’s all marvel.

"No. I won't stand for it."

*irritably* Yes, I’m sure you’re enjoying putting on your matronly show, Esme. You’ll stand for it when the newborns are up slaughtering hundreds of humans in Seattle, you’ll stand for it when it’s your precious Edward doing it, but when it’s a chance for you to look good in front of a stranger, THEN you won’t stand for it. You bitch.

Carlisle shot me an anxious glance. I could see that he cared a lot for this woman. I would have looked the same way at anyone behind Diego's back.

So, Bree just compared her one-day relationship with Diego, founded on killing five people who wouldn’t be missed and having a good time hiding the bodies before traipsing off to the local mall to commit petty theft, to Carlisle and Esme’s century-old relationship, based on him saving her life and giving her the family she always wanted.

*bitchslaps Meyer* You insult me.


I tried to appear as docile as I felt.

"Jasper, I think we have to take the chance," he said slowly. "We are not the Volturi.

*cough*noyou’reworse*cough*

We follow their rules, but we do not take lives lightly.

*cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

We will explain."

"They might think we created our own newborns in defense."

Boy—he’s just itching to tear her head off, isn’t he?

"But we didn't. And even had we, there was no indiscretion here, only in Seattle. There is no law against creating vampires if you control them."

*rolls eyes* These guys love to bend the Volturi rules. Personally, I think they were fully justified in wanting to end these wankers in Breaking Dawn.

"This is too dangerous."

(Jasper): *stomping his feet* Emmett and I are tied with how many we each killed, we had a bet, and I wanna win it!!!

Carlisle touched Jasper's shoulder tentatively. "Jasper. We cannot kill this child."

So there. Go kill some other child, preferably human. Carlisle won’t care about those—you just can’t kill this one.

Jasper glowered at the man with the kind eyes, and I was suddenly angry. Surely he wouldn't hurt this gentle vampire or the woman he loved. Then Jasper sighed, and I knew it was okay. My anger evaporated.

That is one interesting piece of writing. In her effort to show Jasper’s ability, she basically made it one big incoherent mess. Only thing we truly got out of that is that Jasper is now actively and petulantly pissed off that Carlisle and Esme won’t let him kill just one more newborn.

"I don't like this," he said, but he was calmer.

(Jasper): Now Emmett’s gonna make me wear a DRESS all day! I was so sure I’d win, I let him say he’d win if we had a tie!

"At least let me take charge of her. You two don't know how to deal with someone who's been running wild so long."

Oh, three months—she’s been wild for such a long time, clearly.

Also…what wild? These people weren’t running wild. They were just spoiled children who went out every night to kill people. If Riley had spent some time devolving them, making them live out in the woods like animals (well, more animals than they already are), then I’d buy this. Except…they’re not wild. The newborns were never wild. Just stupid and immature.


"Of course, Jasper," the woman said. "But be kind."

Jasper rolled his eyes.

(Jasper): Everyone knows you can’t hurt vampires’ feelings—they’re made of rubber!

Seriously. I am all for abusing Bree, since she’s proven herself to be just as unlikable and sadistic as the Cullens, but that still isn’t taking any of the focus off of the fact that Jasper appears to be attempting to give Wardo a run for his money in the psychopathy department.


"We need to be with the others. Alice said we don't have long."

Carlisle nodded. He held his hand out to Esme, and they headed past Jasper back toward the open field.

If this were anyone else, I’d call that foreshadowing—manipulating the situation so he can be alone with the newborn he desperately wants to kill. Unfortunately, Meyer isn’t that bright. We’ve seen what her foreshadowing looks like.

"You there," Jasper said to me, his face a glower again.

Dan will be pleased—this book appears to be a Glower Hour as well.

"Come with us. Don't make one rash move or I will take you down."

(Bree): Uh…how do you define rash—

(Jasper): You twitched your finger rashly! *tears her head off*


I felt angry again as he glared at me, and a small part of me wanted to snarl and show my teeth, but I had a feeling he was looking for just that kind of excuse.

Okay. I want you to examine that closely.

Very closely. And to go over a few facts.

Bree is clearly being influenced by Jasper’s ability; he’s making her angry and violent. Jasper has never had any sort of influencing side effect happen with his ability with regards to his own feelings. We’ve never seen Bella freak out and calm down with Jasper’s moods, never seen any of the Cullens do this, never seen anybody do this. Jasper is almost 150 years old, and has excellent control of his ability. The only time we see anyone affected by it is when he is deliberately using it.

Carlisle and Esme displayed no signs that they were affected by his ability in this scene.

Jasper really wants to kill Bree, mostly to cover his tracks.

He made up excuse after excuse to Carlisle, trying to reason with him as to why he should be allowed to murder her—all right in front of her, I might add.

He sent Carlisle and Esme off, citing his experience with newborns as a reason why he should take charge of her—i.e., be completely alone with her.

Jasper is treating her very roughly and nastily, knowing that she is “wild” and will probably not respond well to that sort of thing, as she’s mostly an animal right now.

And, as Bree stated up there, she can tell he’s just looking for any kind of excuse to kill her.

Put it all together, folks. What do you get?

Jasper is deliberately trying to whip her into an angry frenzy and make her mad and aggressive and is now provoking her so he will have an excuse to kill her.

Oh, but save your outrage, folks, because his story? Gets better.


Jasper paused as if he'd just thought of something.

(Jasper): Wait a second—aren’t I supposed to be one of the illustrious Cullens, who are the Good Guys and value all life?

(Wardo): *waltzes up* Hey, we got a carte blanche to do what we want, buddy—we’re justified! It’s reasonable when we do it!

(Jasper): Oh! Okay! *murders Bree*


"Close your eyes," he commanded.

I hesitated. Had he decided to kill me after all?

"Do it!"

I gritted my teeth and shut my eyes. I felt twice as helpless as I had before.

"Follow the sound of my voice and don't open your eyes. You look, you lose, got it?"

Gives her no reason for it. None. And as we find out later, he really doesn’t have a reason to do this. So he’s still aggravating her with his powers, provoking her by being nasty, and now he’s making her cut off one of her senses, one of the most important. He’s blinding her.

Save it, folks. His story? GETS BETTER.


I nodded, wondering what he didn't want me to see.

(Jasper): I can scratch my butt right in front of her and she’ll never see it.

I felt some relief that he was bothering to protect a secret. There was no reason to do so if he was just going to kill me.

Ehehehe. That’s what you think.

"This way."

I walked slowly after him, careful to give him no excuses.

Just pointing this out—notice how she feels no ill will towards Jasper for this? Or isn’t even bothering to try and defend her case with words, or further explain that she didn’t know anything and that they were kept ignorant and were fed a pack of lies (well, ostensibly, anyway) about the Cullens?

He was considerate in the way he led, not walking me into any trees, at least.

My guess is that he did that mostly because it wouldn’t hurt you. If walking you into a tree would’ve caused you harm, he probably would’ve done it a few times, and then claimed you raising your hands out in front of you to help “see” where you were going was clearly a threatening act and killed you. Not to mention that disgusting bit of Cullen-worship—never mind that he’s mentally abusing her and threatening her with death—he’s still just so considerate.

I could hear the way the sound changed when we were in the open; the feel of the wind was different, too, and the smell of my coven burning was stronger.

Wait for it.

I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face,

You’re a heat sink. You forget that?

and the insides of my eyelids were brighter as I sparkled.

So does that mean that your spleen sparkles?

He led me closer and closer to the muffled crackle of the flames, so close that I could feel the smoke brush my skin. I knew he could have killed me at any time, but the nearness of the fire still made me nervous.

"Sit here. Eyes closed."

Okay, remembering everything Jasper’s been doing thus far? Now add this to it as well. He doesn’t know that she has no attachment to these newborns and hates them. For all he knows, they are her friends. Also, fire is the one thing that these vampires are afraid of, because it can destroy them. So what does he do? He puts her right next to a raging bonfire, which is full of the smoking remains of her fallen comrades.

Basically, he just stuck her right next to the dead bodies of what, for all he knows, are her friends, and is making her sit in the smoke generated from their burning remains. He is making her smell what he probably thinks are her dead friends.

And add to it, if it can be? All while she cannot see. He puts her right next to a fire and refuses to let her open her eyes at all. Using his power to agitate her, blinding her and saying that if she opens her eyes, he’ll not hesitate to kill her, and then not physically forcing her, but using his position of power to coerce her into walking on her own right next to the only thing that can kill her—which is already full of a bunch of dead vampires.

Save it. HIS STORY? GETS BETTER.


The ground was warm from the sun and the fire. I kept very still and tried to concentrate on looking harmless, but I could feel his glare on me, and it made me agitated.

Look at him. She’s deliberately trying to remain passive and calm, but he’s deliberately riling her up in turn, hoping she’ll give him an excuse. As I said before, I know we hate Bree, and we are looking forward to when she gets tasered by Jane and all, but Jasper doesn’t know any of what we know. All he sees is a fifteen-year-old girl, who is also a very frightened newborn vampire who stated that she didn’t know the truth and has surrendered and just begged for her life. And he’s not worried because she’s too dangerous, or too wild, or can’t be tamed and taught how to behave. No, he wants an excuse to kill her because he’s got some weird idea that, if the Volturi see her with them, they will immediately think the Cullens created her and then will start killing people without hearing out the truth, instead of doing what Jane does canonically—torture the truth out of everyone. Considering that has never happened in canon at all, I think it’s safe to say he just made that up as well in his effort to get his way.

Though I was not mad at these vampires, who I truly believed had only been defending themselves,

Why? Why should she suddenly believe this?! Especially after what Jasper’s doing here! There’s also the fact that they seemed to know that the newborn army was on its way down, didn’t seem to be offering this quarter to anyone else, and were also highly-specialized killing machines that wiped out every single person who came down here in a matter of minutes! There is no reason at ALL for her to suddenly change her mind like this, especially when she immediately believed they were the enemy when told that by people who she absolutely hated and feared.

I felt the oddest stirrings of fury. It was almost outside myself, as if it were some leftover echo from the battle that had just taken place.

Yeah, be all SUBTLE, Meyer—don’t bother trying to cover for the sadist, okay? We all know he’s doing it, and we know why he’s doing it. Why don’t you wake up and realize what you just wrote, eh?

The anger didn't make me stupid, though,

*LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY*

because I was too sad —

*keeps laughing* Yeah, that really encompasses the tragedy of this situation, doesn’t it? “Oh, Diego is dead, my One True Love gone, all my coven destroyed, I could die at any second—that makes me sad.”

miserable to my core. Diego was always in my mind, and I couldn't help thinking about how he must have died.

Probably in the same way he entered the world, Bree—as a complete and utter tool.

Righty—skipping some. Bree wonders just what Riley did to make Diego tell him all about their secrets, like the ninja thing and the secret handshakes and all, and why is Bree acting like they knew each other for more than a day? *shakes head* Anyway, she realizes that that bit of nonsense about how slowly Riley and Victoria would kill anyone who acted up was probably how Diego went out, and that is all very dramatic, but also very, very stupid. Serious situation, time to really crack down and get things done, and yet she believes they paused for a little maiming and torturing of someone who was pretty much a loose end that they needed to get rid of quickly? And how did they even know about Bree? They thought that Bree and Diego didn’t know each other.

Oh, and Bree also takes the time to wonder just how much pain she’d have to be in to betray precious Diego, and she makes it clear that enough pain would make her blab. Let’s keep that in mind.

So, she’s all whining mentally about how much pain she’s in because that dude she met four days ago and talked to for a grand total of maybe twenty-four hours, half of which she spent not trusting him, is now dead, whatever shall she do without Her Man, and that’s when we will pick back up.


And then there was screaming there in the field.

In the field? What?

My eyelids fluttered, but Jasper snarled furiously and I clenched them together at once.

Yes. Now there is screaming going on, and it startled her and on a reflex she starts opening her eyes, but Jasper immediately gets mad at her.

I'd seen nothing but heavy lavender smoke.

Lavender? Now your effort to make vampires froo-froo and sparkles is becoming ridiculous, Meyer.

I heard shouting and a strange, savage howling. It was loud, and there was a lot of it. I couldn't imagine how a face would have to contort to create such a noise, and the not knowing made the sound more frightening.

Ah. That explains it. It’s the werewolves.

I do wonder just how stupid Bree has to be with her super-duper vampire hearing that is so much better than a human’s that can distinguish the slightest sounds from one another can possibly think that wolf howls sound at all like a person.


These yellow-eyed vampires were so different from the rest of us.

…uh. What?

Very interesting subject swing. I am reminded strongly of Midnight Sun.


How could she be thinking that? Saving her life was the one acceptable thing I'd done since I met her. The one thing that I was not ashamed of. The one and only thing that made me glad I existed at all. I'd been fighting to keep her alive since the first moment I'd caught her scent. How could she think this of me? How dare she question my one good deed in all this mess?

[…]

How confusing and incomprehensible the workings of her mind were! She must not think in the same way as other humans at all. That must be the explanation behind her mental silence. She was entirely other.
(Chapter 5 – Invitations)

See what I mean?


Or different from me, I guess, since I was the only one left. Riley and our creator were long gone by now.

Oh, totally. They couldn’t possibly be dead already. Think, McFly! Your coven split into two parts, and you haven’t heard or seen them since!

I heard names called, Jacob, Leah, Sam. There were lots of distinct voices, though the howls continued. Of course Riley had lied to us about the number of vampires here, too.

And now you’re hearing them turn into voices and you STILL think they are all vampires and can’t tell it’s wolf howls. Jesus, this is stupid. Not to mention bland.

The sound of the howling tapered off until it was just one voice, one agonized, inhuman yowling that made me grit my teeth.

Careful, Bree—gritting your teeth might be just too threatening for Jasper up there.

I could see Diego's face so clearly in my mind, and the sound was like him screaming.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

I heard Carlisle talking over the other voices and the howling. He was begging to look at something. "Please let me take a look. Please let me help."

Meaning…the werewolves are here? Why are they here?! We never heard anything about them coming here!

I didn't hear anyone arguing with him, but for some reason his tone made it sound like he was losing the dispute.

Uh-huh. Jacob just got badly injured, and the werewolves had just allied with the Cullens, and they still are refusing to let a doctor who is RIGHT THERE and probably the only doctor around who could actually examine Jacob due to the fact that Jacob isn’t human just so Meyer can keep beating that “werewolves and vampires are natural enemies” drum. *rolls eyes*

‘Course, there’s another problem with that. Doesn’t Carlisle sound really affected? As if you expect his next response to be, “Goddammit, you stupid mutts, I am trying to be compassionate here, and I can’t look all selfless and stuff if you keep that nonsense up!” Little hard to take you seriously, Carlisle, when not fifteen minutes ago you made short work of twenty equally-uninformed and young newborn vampires without thinking twice.


And then the yowling reached a strident new pitch, and suddenly Carlisle was saying "thank you" in a fervent voice, and under the yowl there was the sound of a lot of movement by a lot of bodies. Many heavy footsteps coming closer.

Oh, that’s even better.

(Carlisle): Please! Jacob is badly injured and I am a very experienced doctor! I can help! Let me look him over! What? You want me to go to him? Psh. Hell no. You bring him to me. It’ll be good for his broken bones. I always make my patients walk to my office when they want to see me, and make people who have serious head injuries and blood loss pass out after I jack them up on morphine!


I listened harder and heard something unexpected and impossible.

Unexpected I believe. But impossible is just stupid.

Along with some heavy breathing — and I've never heard anyone in my coven breathe like that — there were dozens of deep thumping noises. Almost like… heartbeats. But definitely not human hearts.

*snorts* Well, since they don’t sound human, they clearly aren’t heartbeats! They are almost heartbeats! And what was with the tense change?

I knew that particular sound well.

You know, just pointing this out—how on earth do Meyerpires stand being around people? Their hearing is just oh-so-good, and to be around thirty, forty, sometimes over a hundred humans is to hear a LOT of heartbeats. How do they hear anything at all with that background noise?

I sniffed hard, but the wind was blowing from the other direction, and I could only smell the smoke.

Burning vampire remains. I would just like to point that out. Because Meyer seems to have forgotten that’s what it is.

Also, have to point this out as well. As you can see, the werewolves all came right into the clearing. Carlisle didn’t go to them—no, they came to him. ALL of them did. They all marched around in the field, whined and yowled, never changed back into human form—and, most importantly, left their stink everywhere.

AND THE VOLTURI NEVER SMELLED THEM WHY, MEYER? And I swear, as God as my witness, if you claim it’s because the wind didn’t blow in their direction, I will jam a vuvuzela up your ass so we’ll all have a warning when you start farting out another crap story like this. (Hooray for soccer!)


Without a warning sound, something touched me, clapped down firmly on either side of my head.

My eyes started open in panic as I lurched up, straining to jerk free of this hold, and instantly met Jasper's warning gaze about two inches from my face.

"Stop it," he snapped, yanking me back down on my butt. I could only just hear him, and I realized that his hands were sealed tight against my head, covering my ears entirely.

"Close your eyes," he instructed again, probably at a normal volume, but it was hushed for me.

*stares*

Do you see what he just did?

Do you?

  • Influencing her emotions to make her mad.

  • Working it so he gets to be all alone with her.

  • Purposely being nasty and bossy, knowing she won’t react well to it.

  • Making her close her eyes and threatening to kill her if she so much as opens them, but then not using his own force to make her do things, just keeping hands off and making her move on her own power.

  • Sitting her next to the only thing that can kill a vampire.

  • Which is also filled with the burning, smoking remains of her fallen comrades.

  • Lots of noise filling the area, but still won’t let her look at anything.

  • And then, without any warning, grabs her head.

No explanation, no reason, no warning, no nothing.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Harry Roat Jasper.


“Well, Bree. Now all the newborns have gone to bed and we can talk.”

Sick motherfucker. There is no other way to put it. Jasper is the sickest, most revolting member of the Cullen clan. He’s a complete sadist, calm and cold about torture. Only it’s not just physical, no—it’s mental. Look closely at that clip up there and try to deny that that is what Jasper has been doing to Bree this entire time. After all of this, there are really only two conclusions I can come to.

1) He stuck Bella in front of Bree on purpose. He knew she was an uncontrollable newborn, knew Bella smelled particularly delicious, and knew that he, as a 150-year-old vampire, went ballistic over a paper cut, and he puts her right next to a thirsty newborn. As he constantly talks about his good experience with newborns like this? Yeah, he knew she’d go insane. And he was counting on it.

2) Pretty much confirmed, what I said in my Eclipse recap. Jasper didn’t leave Maria and the newborn armies because he was tired of the lifestyle and miserable. He only left because they were losing. He loved his job, getting to execute newborns and slaughter innocents. But other people started getting the same idea, so his position of power wasn’t quite so high anymore. Now he’s with the Cullens, where he is right back on top.

This is why I am not a fan of Jasper and never have been. I hear people say that Jasper is one of the better characters in Meyer’s series because he is the only one who is remotely a “real” vampire, what with him being a cold and efficient killer, always wanting to kill people, having rapetastic fantasies about nomming chicks in school, and being the Grand High Executioner of Maria’s army and all. Except I really don’t know why people always overlook the one fact that should make all of that as repulsive as it is—he’s supposed to be a good guy. He’s supposed to be the reformed killer, the guy who was unhappy with murdering people and found a new way. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LIKE HIM. And I don’t mean in the way we like Lestat or Alucard for the sake of all their evil awesomeness. Jasper is one of the “good” vampires, who doesn’t kill people. He is supposed to have conquered his animal and baser instincts and have a conscience and a moral compass. We’re supposed to be able to relate to him, to judge him by the standards that we judge our fellow man and consider him superior, and he’s supposed to be better than vampires like the Volturi or James or Victoria. To put it bluntly, HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A VILLAIN. We’re not SUPPOSED to think of him as a “real” vampire. We aren’t supposed to think that he’s a complete sadist who likes torturing his victims before killing them. We aren’t supposed to think ill of him for wanting to immediately kill and eat people if there is the slightest chance that they might have figured something might be weird with the Cullens. We aren’t supposed to think ill of him for only doing this whole vegetarian thing just to make sure his girlfriend keeps putting out—weren’t for her, he’d be killing left and right.

Meyer has confirmed it, she thinks Jasper is a great guy. Look at the above, please. IS THAT A GREAT GUY? NO. THAT’S A SICKO. A COMPLETE FREAK WHO PUTS WARDO TO SHAME.

*sigh* I’ve ranted a lot longer than I should. Although, minor note—ever notice that when Meyer uses any curse words (“butt”), it sounds forced and you can practically see her tee-heeing behind her hand, going, “I wrote a naughty word!” She reminds me of a twelve-year-old boy who thinks he is clever and types ( . )( . ) into his calculator and giggles.

Right—gonna take the last chunks here in pieces, just analyzing them per quote to try and wrap this up.


I struggled to calm myself and shut my eyes again. There were things they didn't want me to hear, either. I could live with that — if it meant I could live.

Let’s keep that in mind for later—trust me on that.

For a second I saw Fred's face behind my eyelids. He had said he would wait for one day. I wondered if he would keep his word. I wished I could tell him the truth about the yellow-eyes, and how much more there seemed to be that we didn't know. This whole world that we really knew nothing about.

Aaaaaaaaaand what’s the first thing she wants to talk about? THE CULLENS. Aren’t they just so amazing. And yeah, you are very right that there is a lot you know nothing about. So how on earth do you expect to have a grand time out in the world if you KNOW NOTHING?

It would be interesting to explore that world. Particularly with someone who could make me invisible and safe.

But Diego was gone. He wouldn't be coming to find Fred with me. That made imagining the future faintly repugnant.

Right. Three things here.

1) How lovely. Main reason she would want to travel with Fred? So she could use him. Not because they are friends, not because she’d want company in eternity, but because he is useful and she can just keep on being the coward she is, using him to have an advantage over all she surveys. And Aro is Evil and I’m supposed to hate him for doing pretty much the exact same thing Bree wants to do…why?

2) Anyone who predicted that Meyer would make Bree dying “okay” because she no longer had her One True Love Sealed in the Temple for Time and All Eternity, please collect your winnings. See? The Cullens don’t need to feel guilty and nobody can accuse them of not doing anything to save her. Bree was gonna be Without Her Man, which is Unacceptable. She had to die.

3) Am I supposed to feel sorry for Bree, Meyer? Am I supposed to be near tears because Bree will not get to run around with Fred and Diego now? Am I supposed to be just all heartbroken because that lovely young girl and her two friends will no longer get to terrorize the nation, murdering who knows how many people per week, just so they can have fun skipping around and exploring and constantly talking about how pathetic and puny and ignorant and stupid all us humans are?

Snipping some—Bree can’t hear anything but some mumbling, Carlisle talking to the werewolves, she still can’t figure out that the growling and the howling and the whining IS NOT FUCKING HUMAN, BECAUSE SHE’S A FUCKING IDIOT, and given vampires’ insanely good hearing, just how much sound can Jasper block out with his hands, anyway? *shakes head* Bree talks about how she wishes she could see or hear, but Jasper’s busy enjoying torturing her, so he doesn’t let up. Anyway—picking up with the next bit of clear dialogue.


There was one voice, higher and clearer than the others, that I could hear most easily.

"Another five minutes," I heard whoever it was say. I was sure it was a girl who was speaking. "And Bella will open her eyes in thirty-seven seconds. I wouldn't doubt that she can hear us now."

I tried to make sense of this. Was someone else being forced to keep her eyes shut, like me? Or did she think my name was Bella? I hadn't told anyone my name. I struggled again to smell something.

More mumbling. I thought that one voice sounded off — I couldn't hear any ring to it at all. But I couldn't be sure with Jasper's hands so securely over my ears.

"Three minutes," the high, clear voice said.

Yeah. That’s a nice taste of things to come. All of the dialogue we saw in Eclipse, slavishly recapped and redone, only analyzed stupidly, sledgehammery, and dryly by Meyer’s outside observer. As Hyde said over in Midnight Sun, it is possible to do an alternate point of view and still have it be unique, bring more information to the table, and be interesting. This? Is not it. It just sounds like she’s trying to fool us, to try and deny what’s going to happen even though we already know it will from Eclipse. And if she isn’t trying to fool us, it just sounds SO ham-fisted, like Meyer is trying WAY. TOO. HARD. to emphasize that Bree is guessing all of this wrong and coming to incorrect conclusions and can’t figure things out.

Jasper's hands left my head.

"You'd better open your eyes now," he told me from a few steps away. The way he said this frightened me. I looked around myself quickly, searching for the danger hinted at in his tone.

And we will end there, with one more bit of Jasper’s sadism coming to the fore. It’s not enough that he’s gonna make Bree sit there and sniff Bella. Nope—now he’s going to make her look at Bella. I was right. This? Is Cupcake Dog.


Stay tuned for the second half of the sporking, wherein I take on what we have already seen—because Bella has arrived now, meaning Meyer no long has to write anything new. Oh, boy. *kills self*


Part VIII | Table of Contents | Part X

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