Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Part the Third



I really, really hate Enebaiel.

I steered my horse to the right and up the small hill, passing through the arch of the Homely House.

Snape: An adjective that suits Potter to a tee.

Enebaiel and I had been back to Rivendell for over five years now. And we were content to make our home here.

Mervin: Yeah, because you can keep mooching off of Elrond if you live there.

I halted my white stallion before

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): —pulling out my pink stallion for a little joyride—

Sands: Equus, here he comes! Literally.


the stables and handed off to an elfling on duty as stable boy. I had rather urgent news to give Lord Elrond, troubling news.

Snape: What, Potter? Have you, perhaps, discovered something that you cannot do?

For long has Lord Elrond been disturbed by what his Foresight has shown him and as a result he sent me do some scouting among the realms of Men, especially in Gondor.

Sands: Holy shit—what did that just say?!

Mervin: *squints at it* I don’t know…I thought for sure reading it aloud would make up for the lack of punctuation.


As I walked to the house a welcome sight rushed to greet me. I wrapped Enebaiel in

Mrs. Hyde: —Saran wrap—

a hug and we kissed with relief and passion at seeing each other again.

Mrs. Hyde: Inebriated, you insult to all Elves…

“How are you my love?” I asked with a big smile.

Sands: To match his big—

Mervin: *smacks him*


“Fine, now that I know you are safe and home,” she said and a tear leaked out of her eye.

Sands: *gags* Oh, God, he was on a scouting trip! Jesus Christ, woman, it’s not like he was out traipsing around in Mordor!

I wiped it off with the base of my thumb.

Mrs. Hyde: …the base? I really don’t think that’s what he meant.

I had been gone for six months and every day out of her presence tortured me.

Snape: Oh, Potter, you don’t know the meaning of the word. Allow me to enlighten you.

“How are things in the House of Healing?” I asked.

“I have two apprentices who drive me crazy,” she grumbled.

Sands: *opens his mouth*

Mervin: I know where you’re going with that, Sands—no.


“How old are they?” I asked dubiously.

“Fifteen,” she said.

Mrs. Hyde: Everyone’s a pedo.

“Ouch,” I winced, I remembered those times as if yesterday, despite our ages of four hundred and forty nine.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh what the crap is this?

“Tell me about it,” she deadpanned.

“I will see you in our quarters at sundown,” I declared and kissed her soundly again,

Sands: (Not!Harry): Be sure to have the sour cream out again.

“I have urgent news that Lord Elrond must be made aware of.”

“Ok, are the realms of Men misbehaving again?” she asked with sarcasm.

Mrs. Hyde: (Not!Harry): Oh, don’t worry—those useless Muggles—I mean, Men—will be ground to dust under the heel of my boot.

“Something like that,” I replied, “I’ll tell you all at sundown, but can you do me a favour and clean Orthorum for me?”

Sands: *snorts with very immature laughter*

Orthorum, was the name I had given to the sword I had wrought with a little help from the resident elf smiths. It was thirty three inches in length

Snape: —and was pure compensation—

and had a curved blade much like Arwen’s sword, Hadafang. Like my bow, Orthorum was enchanted. It glowed blue and vibrated

Mervin: —and was powered by two C batteries—

when orcs were in a hundred meters of it.

Mrs. Hyde: I refuse to believe that this idiot can duplicate the arts of Gondolin.

It also could penetrate any body armour except ones wrought out of mithril and stayed infinitely sharp.

I unbuckled the sheath I carried it in and Enebaiel accepted it with a nod, but her eyes frowned at seeing something,

Sands: *growls in irritation* Frowning eyes, huh? You wanna see a pair of very unhappy eyes, bitch? Do you?

she unsheathed the blade partially and saw the dried blood.

“You were attacked?” she asked in a small voice.

Sands: It’s fucking Middle Earth, you stupid cow!!! What the fuck is wrong with you??!!! He’s supposedly a warrior and is supposedly training to take out a big bad wizard over in his own fandom, and you get all weepy and pathetic over a little blood??!!!

Mervin: What the hell is wrong with you, Sands?

Sands: She’s acting just like Jessica! “Oh, you’ve got blood on your shirt, boo-hoo, you’re life is sooooo dangerous, whatever will I do if you get hurt, promise me you’ll never leave me, wah wah wah!!!” *rips into a lime violently* Well, fuck you, bitch! Only good thing that ever came out of you was the shocked face you made when you realized I knew all about how you were gonna turn me over to the guys I was spying on! But that was only the partial reason I shot you in the mouth! *kicks his feet up and drinks*


“Yes, a roving band of thieves, Men,” I explained.

Mrs. Hyde: Did he just call her Men?

Seeing that her heart needed comfort I

Mervin: —ripped it out of her chest.

hugged her tight and looked deep into her eyes.

Sands: I hate that phrase.

Snape: Only because you can’t do it.

Sands: Fuck you.


“I am here; I will never leave you, even if Sauron himself should stand between you and me.”

Snape: Oh yes—Sauron would be highly threatened by you.

She swallowed and seemed to be repressing tears.

Sands: Repress this, you angst-ridden piglet. *chucks his empty tequila bottle at the computer*

“I miss you so at nights in our bed,” her voice trembled as she fingered

Mrs. Hyde: —herself—

the pointed tips of my elf ears.

Mervin: Is this supposed to be Eragon, or what? Being human wasn’t good enough, so now he’s an immortal elf?

It never failed to send a shuddering tremble through me when she did that.

Mrs. Hyde: No, he’s a Ferengi.

Mervin: I hate that.


“So does it pain me at nights as well, my love,”

Sands: Yeah, sometimes I get so hard it hurts, too—that’s what masturbation is for.

Snape: Weren’t you ever warned that it would make you go blind?

Sands: No, my mother preferred the hairy palms route—obviously, that didn’t work, as my hands are beautiful, smooth examples of perfection.

Snape: Really? I thought your hairlessness and near-falsetto voice were signs of a lack of testosterone.

Sands: Look, you frumpy queen, just because I sing the tenor in our duet—

Mervin: NO, SANDS. You two, stop that.


I returned and resolved myself that she would feel content tonight again, whatever the cost to me.

Mrs. Hyde: Excellent! Let’s tell him the cost will be his puny, shriveled penis.

She steeled herself

Sands: —grabbing her ankles as I moved in for the kill—

Mervin: I’m going to kill you—you know that, right?

Sands: You can only kill me after I’ve scored with Hyde.

Mrs. Hyde: FRY him, Mervin.


and kissed me again and walked off into the house. A few minutes later I had put all my weapons away in my quarters and bathed the aches of my journey away.

Mervin: Is there anything else that you did “away?”

I dressed myself in grey-blue and white elf robes and walked to the library.

Snape: What, exactly, makes them “elf robes” in particular?

Mrs. Hyde: Probably the easy-access panel in the back.


I found Lord Elrond seated luxuriantly in a chair

Mrs. Hyde: Great—it’s the gay Elrond again.

his eyes furiously reading the book he was emerged in.

Mervin: Wow—that’s a talented pair of eyes.

Sands: What is this happy horseshit?!


He was no doubt aware of my presence but seemed inclined to continue reading his book for a while.

Snape: Be careful, Elrond—Potter might get angry if you dare not acknowledge his presence and greatness. You’d best bow and kiss the hem of his robes to make up for it.

Finally he snapped it shut and stood.

Mervin: (Elrond): What the hell do you want?!

“Welcome back Istar-ion,” said Elrond and gave me a brief elf version of a hug.

Mrs. Hyde: —which involved them dropping their pants to their ankles, crossing their eyes, touching the tips of their noses together, and shouting “Eeeny-woonah, eeeny-woonah!” at the tops of their lungs.

“It’s good to be back ada,” I smiled and Elrond gestured for me to follow him to his upper study. When we were behind closed doors,

Sands: (Not!Harry): —we tore off our clothes and got it on.

Elrond walked in deep thought to the wide open windows that overlooked Rivendell’s majesty.

Mervin: I’m sorry, but only Trogdor may have majesty.

Mrs. Hyde: No, he didn’t specify what kind—now, if he’d said “majesty lines,” I might agree with you.

Mervin: That’s just the problem—he never “says” anything. *grumbles*


“What news do you bring of my misgivings about the realms of Men?” asked Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: Elrond, did you forget that you have Man-blood yourself?

“It is largely as you have seen ada,”

Snape: Does he have even the slightest clue of the proper usage of a comma in an address?

Mrs. Hyde: *bitterly* No.


I replied with a sigh,

Sands: (Not!Harry): Wearing Underoos is fun.

Snape: Speaking from experience?

Sands: Oh, yeah—I wore those ‘til I was eight. Scooby-Doo, where are you?


“not a month ago King Earnil took Umbar in force, and it is now a fortress of Gondor.”

“Gondor’s expansionistic ambitions bother me,” said Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: (Elrond): *languidly fans himself* Oh, they bother me. Harry, be a dear and tell the kitchens to get me another mint julep, or this heat will give me the vapors and we’ll have to call of the cotillion.

“If it moves further south, Gondor will no doubt meet with the Harad, as that is their kingdom. But the Men of the West have never ventured that far.”

Mrs. Hyde: That’s crap, you idiot—Númenor pretty much ran ME before it sank. Harad is still run by men of Númenoran descent.

“I take it the Harad are not the most sociable of cultures,” I said dryly.

Sands: (Elrond): Well, the cannibalism is a little off-putting, I admit…

“That is an understatement my dear Thaurdacil, the Haradrim are Men of darker skin and thickly muscled and tall,

Snape: Don’t tell the little bone-smuggler that—he’ll go haring off to the South in an eyeblink.

their culture is based on a feudal tribe system and their way of life is war with each other,” explained Elrond darkly.

Mervin: (Not!Harry): Obviously, they are totally lesser beings than us. We’re so awesome—well, I am, since you’re a lesser being than me, what with me being a Wizard and all.

“Will they unite to defeat an external threat?” I asked curiously.

“Oh most certainly,” replied Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: In other words, the moment Harry sets foot on their lands, they’re gonna rise up and kill him.

“Why?” I asked in a pleading manner to no one in particular, “Gondor has more than enough room for itself.”

Snape: Yes, well, you have more than enough “power,” Potter, but that hasn’t stopped you.

“The answer to that Thaurdacil is the primary weakness in the Race of Men,” explained Elrond,

Mrs. Hyde: —that they’re not elves. So they suck.

Mervin: (Not!Harry): Oh, glad I’m not one of them.

Snape: And he never was.


“they desire power and everything that goes with it, and are never content with what they have already and so seek more to their utter ruin.

Sands: *scratches head* For some reason, the word “silmaril” is stuck in my brain, don’t know why, though…

That is why Middle-Earth finds itself still at the mercy of the Rings of Power.”

Mervin: *dryly* I notice you aren’t quick to mention that ELVES are the ones that started all the problems of the First Age, Elrond.

Mrs. Hyde: Not to mention the Elves made the Rings in the first place.


“The Rohirrim are as always content where they are on their plains,”

Mervin: Well, bully for the Rohirrim—what does that have to do with your misconceptions about Gondor?

I said suddenly remembering my other news, “I even managed to get an audience with their King.”

Snape: Naturally—it was an act of self-preservation. They knew you’d rain terrible vengeance down upon them if they didn’t do exactly as you said.

“Indeed, how did you accomplish that?” asked Elrond astonished.

Sands: (Not!Harry): I tortured their leader until they let me in the Golden Hall.

“Well, I decided to take my journey home on a route

Mrs. Hyde: —over the river and through the woods.

through the Gap of Rohan, and then move north along the Misty Mountains; however, while I was in the Eastfold I was met by a company of horse-lords.

Mervin: He’s mister pseudo-Elf and wannabe-Istar, and he can’t manage to hide?

I was in my guise as an elf at the time,” I smiled chuckling fondly.

Snape: Mervin, why on earth would he wish to take the pains to hide his over-inflated head, when he could instead make a grand and glorious spectacle of himself and awe the locals?

“And?” prompted Elrond.

“Well, they were weary at first of me,

Sands: Didn’t even know him, and they were already tired of him. I don’t blame ‘em.

but they were rather impressed at the well breeding

Mervin: *twitches* GOOD breeding, you asshat!

of my horse Lendi, so we started off talking horses,” I replied,

Snape: —and then moved on to raping horses.

“I told them I was a scout rider of Rivendell and on my way home, it turned out they were doing the same

Mrs. Hyde: They were going to Rivendell?

and were going home to Edoras..

Mervin: No, they were just scout riders of Rivendell who happen to be going to Edoras.

So seizing on

Sands: —my horn—

the opportunity I went along.”

Mervin: The opportunity for what? Seriously—what the hell was he doing out there? Just…wandering around?

Snape: Undoubtedly to further his own magnificence.


“I hope I have not done ill ada,”

Mrs. Hyde: …did you?

Sands: They can’t fight you off if they’re sick.


I said nervously, “but to gain an audience with the King of Rohan I had to claim a title before him.”

Mervin: Excuse me? Even though you’re faking it, you look like an Elf—they’d let you in on those grounds alone.

Elrond seemed to find my plight amusing and he raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth twitched.

“What title did you claim?” asked Elrond amused.

Snape: Lord of the Dance.

“Well I certainly could not tell him I was a wizard, or just a scout,”

Snape: (Potter): I wasn’t about to lower myself with a menial position, even for the sake of secrecy!

Mervin: But…but he just said he was a scout!


I said defensively, “I claimed the same title as the twins.”

“Prince of Imladris?” asked Elrond laughing.

Mervin: You were right, Snape.

Snape: Potter is distressingly predictable. Especially this version.


“It’s not funny!” I exclaimed.

Mrs. Hyde: NO. IT’S NOT.

Mervin: I’m glad we can all agree on something.


“Fear not dear Thaurdacil, you are my godson,

Sands: Fuck you, Sirius.

Snape: I’m sure he’d like that. And, given that he’s dead, you’d probably enjoy it too.

Sands: *thoughtfully* Yeah, I probably would.


and loved by all here,

Mervin: Oh, yes—everybody loves the pompous ass!

you can rightly claim that title,” smiled Elrond, “but tell me of your brush with the King of Rohan?”

Snape: (Potter): Well, he has the most gorgeous hair—we stayed up all night trying out different styles, and he has lipstick and nail polish in the most fabulous cerise!

“Well he is a kind and generous person made me feel rather welcome, I stayed in Edoras for a night even,” I replied, “had a good bout of conversation with him about the troubles affecting Rohan.

Mervin: …I changed my mind. That’s the worse run-on sentence I’ve ever read.

They had a bad crop this year, so their food is running rather low but they made provision for it.

Sands: (Not!Harry): They said something about an overabundance of children this year.

Snape: A Modest Proposal.


There is also not a patrol that they send out that does not have a run in with the odd orc or band of robbers.

Mrs. Hyde: Sweet Jesus, that was one hideous attempt to sound literate.

Mervin: My head actually started hurting when I deciphered it.

Sands: I love being read to—I don’t have to worry about this shit.


I myself was attacked not a day’s ride out from Rivendell.”

Mervin: (Not!Harry): And I slaughtered them all without mercy and bathed in their blood under the light of the moon.

“I shall give word to the sentries,” nodded Elrond.

“How are the twins

Mrs. Hyde: Damn! Doesn’t waste any time, does he?!

and Arwen?” I asked.

“They are happy that their mother has returned,” commented Elrond evenly..

Snape: They needed her to tuck them in at night with their woobie and their dummy.

“Lady Celebrian is back?” I asked excited. I adored my godmother.

Sands: Yeah, well, she hates you, and I don’t blame her.

Mervin: Oh, just you wait—we’ll see how much he adores her later.


“Yes,” said Elrond with a smile, his eyes flashed in happiness, “she returned about two months ago.”

“And how are you feeling now ada?” I asked mischievously.

Mrs. Hyde: What, is he standing right there with his hands down his robes?

Snape: He must have learned that behavior from Potter.


“Never you mind,” frowned Elrond,

Mrs. Hyde: The Horny Elrond. Yay!

“suffice it to say that your godmother and I have rather missed each other.”

Mervin: Thank you, Elrond, for telling us all about your sex life. Especially considering that elves don’t really have one.

Snape: Potter should be right at home, then.

Sands: Wait a second—didn’t Elrond just say that the twins and Arwen were happy to see her, too?

Mrs. Hyde: Well, that’s TMI.


“I don’t doubt it,” I replied smiling, “where is she now?”

Sands: Oh, God, he missed her, too!

Mervin: Maybe this guy has read “Celebrían” and is plagiarizing it, too.


“She should be in the courtyard,” replied Elrond, “now off with

Mrs. Hyde: —your pants!

you and say hello you your godmother.”

Sands: (Harry): She can say hello to my little friend!

Snape: Very little.


“Yes ada,” I replied and hurried out of the study.

Mervin: …going back and counting, in that entire section, only nine things were “said,” and of those nine, only two were without a modifier tacked onto the end.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, hello, Eragon, I’d really missed you. *grimaces*

Sands: There’s nothing wrong with saying something, bucko. You don’t have to reply, exclaim, smile, nod, or ask every time you speak. *swirls his tequila around before swallowing it*

Snape: And just when I was thinking that perhaps the only good thing coming out of this hellish experience with you three was that I wouldn’t have to endure the writing attempts of my students.




( The only good thing that might have come out of this scene is that the fic “Celebrían” never would’ve been written. )

( Harry joins the Fellowship and calls the hobbits “dead weight.” )
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