Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

The Short Secret Life of Bree Tanner (Part VI)

Part V featured Bree and Diego being told that Riley and Victoria were most assuredly using them in a plot that mostly involved them being used as distractions against some seriously powerful enemies that will probably kill them. Bree also had a flashback about how Victoria had no interest in her, because she wasn’t big, but Riley pointed out that she’d be a handy distraction! The Volturi also showed up and said Victoria had five days to go attack the Cullens before the iced her in turn. It ended with Diego running off to tell Riley that they don’t die in the sunlight, because he obviously doesn’t know they don’t die in sunlight, and Bree going home to wonder just what Victoria and Riley are up to, since they have no clue what their intentions are.

Yes, they really did that. They really are that stupid.

Part VI


Part VI is a sporking! I tried repeatedly to sum it up, but it just did NOT work. Plus, you’ll get to see a serious excerpt from the book—so you can see just how DISJOINTED this is!

*puts on a helmet and dives in*



Why would she want to keep us in the dark — literally? Was it very important to her that we stay ignorant?

Woman, they all but SPELLED IT OUT TO YOU back when you were eavesdropping on them. I thought vampire memory was supposed to be the most awesome thing ever, and yet she can’t remember something that Riley said two minutes ago—about how he doesn’t want them to think?

Important enough to get Diego in trouble?

Yeah, I mentioned that in the last section—it only just now occurs to her that maybe telling Riley about that isn’t the best idea.

*slaps* DUMBASS.


I was working myself into a real panic, frozen solid. If I still could sweat, I would have been sweating now.

Personally, I would’ve rephrased that to make it look less repetitious. Maybe, “If I could still sweat, my collar would be soaked right now.” Then again, I’m not your editor—OBVIOUSLY.

I had to refocus to turn the next page,

I can sympathize. Because you are deeply uninteresting. *refocuses and gets back to sporking*

to keep my eyes down.

Was Riley deceived, or was he in on it, too?

Are you a cretin, or merely an idiot?

When Riley'd said he thought he'd lost two more to the sun, did he mean the sun literally… or the lie about the sun?

The fact that you haven’t figured this out in the slightest is making me slam my head against a wall.

If it was the second option, then to know the truth meant being lost. Panic scattered my thoughts.

So, what? You find out that they’ve been deliberately lying to you and keeping you stupid, but somehow thought that if you wake up and get smart, they just say, “Oh, okay—you aren’t stupid anymore. Why don’t you just go off and enjoy life! Thanks for participating in our little shindig! Sorry about lying to you that whole time!”

*slaps* DUMBASS.


I tried to be rational and make sense of it. It was harder without Diego. Having someone to talk to, to interact with, sharpened my ability to concentrate.

Meyer would love for me to interpret it like that, wouldn’t she? Unfortunately, due to the drumbeat of her novels that mostly consists of telling me how, as a puny wimmins, I need a Man in my life to keep me tamed and controlled, otherwise I’ll just be CRAZY and wanton (or wonton, if you are into “Subjugation”), it instead sounds like she is once again lapsing into crazy and uncontrolled because Her Man isn’t there to keep her in line.

And she really just should’ve written it as she’s panicky and worried and can’t keep her thoughts straight because she’s scared for him. It would’ve made more sense.


Without that, fear sucked at the edges of my thoughts, twisted with the always-present thirst. The lure of blood was constantly close to the surface. Even now, decently well fed, I could feel the burn and the need.

You know, I really appreciate that mention! Because guess what? We haven’t heard you mention that you have an unquenchable thirst…since you quenched it in the first ten pages. In fact, we have heard absolutely nothing about thirst, hunger, pain, blood, or anything since you last murdered some people.

Think about her, think about Riley, I told myself. I had to understand why they would lie — if they were lying —

*slaps* DUMBASS.

so that I could try to figure out what it would mean to them that Diego knew their secret.

Honey. He’s dead. It’s not that hard. I can already tell that Diego is not coming back with Riley. But, because you’re an idiot, I assume you’re going to drag this out for a while.

If they hadn't lied, if they'd just told us all that the day was as safe for us as the night, how would that change things?

*scratches head* I’m trying to figure that out myself. Best I can figure? It wouldn’t. They’d just be stupid and irresponsible and conspicuous 24/7 instead of 12/7. Well, more irresponsible than they already are.

I imagined what it would be like if we didn't have to be contained in a blacked-out basement all day, if the twenty-one of us — maybe fewer now, depending on how the hunting parties were getting along — were free to do what we wanted whenever we wanted to.

Bree? Uh, I think you have kind have forgotten that…you do that anyway. Just because you think daylight hurts you doesn’t mean you don’t do whatever you want. And this still makes no sense—why does the daylight somehow keep them in line? Why do they go back to that basement instead of finding somewhere else to go? There are plenty of dark places for someone to hide away from sunlight. Riley obviously can’t keep them controlled, seeing as they just say “whatever” when somebody says that Riley will be angry, or wait for him to leave and then sneak out anyway, because there are obviously no consequences to the actions. It really makes no difference even if daylight really did hurt you—you all do what you want whenever you want now.

To say nothing of the fact that, even though it doesn’t make sense, she just spelled it out for herself and still doesn’t get it. He keeps you afraid of sunlight SO YOU WON’T RUN OFF AND GO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT, AND TO KEEP YOU QUIET BECAUSE LOOK AT WHAT JUST HAPPENED TONIGHT—THE VAMPIRE AUTHORITIES CAME DOWN ON THEIR HEADS. THIS IS ILLEGAL, AND YOU KNOW IT. *slaps* DUMBASS!


We would want to hunt. That was a given.

I have to wonder what Bree thinks the other vampires of the world do when they get turned. They for sure aren’t being lied to about the sun and know about it. She did acknowledge that there were other vampires, didn’t she?

If we didn’t have to come back, if we didn't have to hide… well, many of us wouldn't come back very regularly.

Why do you come back in the first place?! GAH!!!

It was hard to focus on the return while the thirst was in charge. But Riley had drilled so deeply into all of us the threat of burning, of a return of that hideous pain we'd all experienced once.

Yeah, like the one I feel when reading Twilight—and yet I still come back to it.

That was the reason we could stop ourselves. Self-preservation, the only instinct stronger than thirst.

I already pointed out how that doesn’t make sense!

So the threat kept us together.

Well, it wouldn’t if any of you had a brain.

There were other hiding places, like Diego's cave, but who else thought about that kind of thing? We had a place to go, a base, so we went to it. Clear heads were not a vampire specialty.

Oh. Never mind. *slaps Meyer* YOU DUMBASS! You expect me to believe that?! Especially after SEEING what you consider to be a vampire who’s insane with thirst? BREE NEVER MENTIONED HER THIRST ONCE UNTIL JUST NOW! She has had a PERFECTLY clear head! You are telling me that the vampires are so stupid that they CANNOT FIGURE OUT THAT THERE ARE OTHER BASEMENTS BESIDES RILEY’S?!

Or, at least, they weren't the specialty of young vampires. Riley was clearheaded. Diego was more clearheaded than I was.

I think this is you just trying to soften the truth—say it like it is. Pretty much EVERYONE is not just “more clearheaded”—they are simply SMARTER than you, because you’ve got all the intelligence of a turnip.

Those cloaked vampires were terrifyingly focused.

I wasn’t aware that marching in perfect formation was terrifying. Makes me wonder just what kind of paroxysms of horror she’d go into watching football halftime shows.

I shuddered.

Why is she such a coward?! The mere mention of “her” sends her all shivery, watching some people march in formation terrifies her—what is with this?!

So the routine wouldn't control us forever. What would they do when we were older, clearer?

You honestly can’t figure this out? Seriously? You aren’t kidding me?

It struck me that nobody was older than Riley.

Apparently, Victoria doesn’t count.

Everyone here was new. She needed a bunch of us now for this mystery enemy. But what about afterward?

There won’t BE an afterward, because Victoria CLEARLY SAID that you are distractions, NOTHING MORE. YOU AREN’T EXPECTED TO SURVIVE.

I had a strong feeling that I didn't want to be around for that part. And I suddenly realized something stupendously obvious.

That doesn’t narrow it down—that could be one of about a DOZEN things in this book. The fact that you’re being used, that you aren’t expected to survive, that you could’ve just left, that Riley isn’t your friend, that everybody’s been lying to you, that if your actual enemy doesn’t kill you, the Volturi will, considering you’re kind of illegal, that Diego probably isn’t coming back…take your pick, honey.

It was the solution that had tickled the edges of my understanding before, when I was tracking the vampire herd to this place with Diego.

I do so love it when Meyer slips up and starts talking about her precious vampire avatars in terms that bring to mind not beautiful people, but animals. Because, as much as she’d like to deny it, that is all they are. Uncontrollable and rabid animals that desperately need to be put down.

I didn't have to be around for that part. I didn't have to be around for one more night.

Ah, you chose that one—pulling your head out and ditching these people. That’s a good one to choose—considering I was telling you to do that HOW many pages ago?

I was a statue again as I thought over this stunning idea.

Oh, Bree. At this point, the only thing stunning is your bottomless stupidity.

If Diego and I hadn't known where the gang was most likely headed, would we ever have found them? Probably not. And that was a big group leaving a wide trail.

I do wonder what vampire scrape looks like.

What if it were a single vampire, one who could leap up onto the land,

…what? What the hell does that mean?

maybe into a tree, without leaving a trail at the edge of the water…

I understand the intended meaning here—that she’s trying to get away without being trailed—but have no idea what Meyer just said. That made no sense whatsoever.

Just one, or maybe two vampires who could swim as far out to sea as they wanted…

And maybe you could kill some FISHERMEN! After all, you wouldn’t have to stick to crummy alcoholics and druggies anymore. You could get some REALLY tasty stuff.

Who could return to land anywhere… Canada, California, Chile, China…

What—are only places that start with the letter “C” safe harbors for vampires swimming in the ocean?

You would never be able to find those two vampires. They would be gone. Disappeared like they'd gone up in smoke.

Keyser Soze you are not.

We didn't have to come back the other night! We shouldn't have! Why hadn't I thought of it then?

Because you’re an IDIOT. It’s that simple, honey. It’s time to face some very hard facts.

But… would Diego have agreed? I was abruptly not so sure of myself.

Yes, because you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LEAVE WITHOUT DIEGO. If he doesn’t agree to leave with you, you will stay right where you are, constantly at risk of being torn apart and burned. Meyer, why do you constantly try to pass off idiocy and codependency as love and devotion?

Was Diego more loyal to Riley after all?

*scratches head* Anybody know the name of that river in Egypt?

Would he have felt it was his responsibility to stand by Riley?

It’s a big river—very long.

He'd known Riley a lot longer — he'd really only known me a day.

Cleopatra was the queen of it.

Was he closer to Riley than he was to me?

Eh, it’ll probably come to me later. Never mind.

I pondered that, frowning.

I hope you’re pondering that you just said you’d only known him a day and have already declared yourself devoted to him and madly in love with him.

Well, I would find out as soon as we had a minute alone.

After all, he’s on his way home right now!

And then maybe, if our secret club really meant something, it wouldn't matter what our creator had planned for us.

Would you stop calling her the creator?! What are you, V’ger?!

We could disappear, and Riley would have to make do with nineteen vampires, or make some new ones quick. Either way, not our problem.

Hey, you’d fit in great with the Cullens. They declared you not their problem, too!

I couldn't wait to tell Diego my plan.

He’s coming home now, right?

My gut instinct was that he would feel the same. Hopefully.

Because, clearly, he’s going to come back any minute.

Suddenly, I wondered if this was what had really happened to Shelly and Steve and the other kids who had disappeared.

That was sudden. And judging by the names, I’m going to assume that they, too, were True Loves Sealed in the Temple for Time and All Eternity.

I knew they hadn't burned in the sun. Had Riley only claimed he'd seen their ashes as another way to keep the rest of us afraid and dependent on him? Returning home to him every dawn?

I’m sorry I keep repeating this, but…OH MY GOD. YOU ARE SO STUPID. *slaps* DUMBASS!!! WHY CAN’T YOU FIGURE THIS OUT?!

Maybe Shelly and Steve had just set off on their own. No more Raoul. No enemies or armies threatening their immediate future.

Maybe that's what Riley had meant by lost to the sun. Runaways.

Oh my God. The stupid—it burns us.

In which case, he'd be happy that Diego hadn't bailed, right?

If only Diego and I had taken off! We could be free, too, like Shelly and Steve. No rules, no fear of the sunrise.

*writhing in pain over the ham-fisted forced melodrama and fake irony*

Again, I imagined the whole horde of us on the loose without a curfew.

MEYER. WHAT DOES CURFEW MATTER. JUST BECAUSE THEIR RUNNING-LOOSE TIME IS LIMITED DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T RUN AROUND ON THE LOOSE. *slaps Meyer* DUMBASS.

I could see Diego and me moving like ninjas through the shade.

The obsession with ninjas is becoming ridiculous.

But I could also see Raoul, Kevin, and the rest, sparkling disco-ball monsters in the center of a busy downtown street, the bodies piling up, the screaming, the helicopters whirring,

*laughs hysterically before assuming the deep-voiced movie announcer tone* This summer, you find out that disco isn’t dead — IT’S UNDEAD, BITCH! Coming to a theater near you, Disco Inferno: Hell on Earth.

the soft, helpless cops with their dinky little bullets that wouldn't make a dent,

You know, it wouldn’t take us too long to figure out that bullets don’t work and fire is not your friend. It also wouldn’t be too long before we hauled out the missiles. And, if it came down to desperation? A nuke. Even if it didn’t get to that point, did Meyer forget that there are literally billions of humans against what is, relative to the human population, a handful of vampires? To say nothing of the fact that humans are very, very good at destroying and killing things—it would not take as long as Meyer would like to think to figure out a way of making something that can seek a vampire deliberately, and I don’t care how fast they can run—if you try to tell me a vampire can outrun a missile, you’re just making up powers now.

Also, I have to ask—why does a tiny bullet (minimum surface area!) traveling at 320 m/s not leave a dent, or even hurt them or knock them slightly off balance? How much do these people weigh?


the cameras, the panic that would spread so fast as the pictures bounced swiftly around the globe.

Yes. Panic, and as I pointed out, unifying against a common enemy. People tend to do that. See every alien attacker movie ever for details. Or, on a smaller scale, every revolution ever in the history of mankind. You are also forgetting to mention the group of people like you, Bella, and Meyer, who would immediately be rushing right at the vampires with exposed throats, begging desperately to be turned because they, too, want to be all sparkly and immortal and powerful and godlike.

Vampires wouldn't be a secret for very long. Even Raoul couldn't kill people fast enough to keep the story from spreading.

Except he obviously doesn’t CARE about secrecy. So why was that even worth mentioning? If he’s out during the day, prancing around town and killing people openly, why would he worry about keeping a secret?

There was a chain of logic here,

WRONG!!

and I tried to grasp it before I could be distracted again.

*dangles something shiny in front of her* Too late.

One, humans didn't know about vampires. Two, Riley encouraged us to be inconspicuous, not to attract the notice of humans and educate them otherwise. Three,

If you say ANYTHING about unconditional and irrevocable love, I will kill you.

Diego and I had decided that all vampires must be following that guideline, or else the world would know about us.

Honey, if people aren’t already panicking and don’t know about you after your little happy-fun-time in Seattle, I’m not really sure sparkling up a storm and killing people in broad daylight would be enough to wake the people in this story up either.

Four, they must have a reason for doing so, and it wasn't the little popguns of the human police that motivated them.

ANY TIME YOU ARE DONE DEGRADING THE HUMAN RACE, BREE.

Yeah, the reason must be pretty important to make all vampires hide all day long in stuffy basements.

Maybe…maybe if I showed her a picture…


Maybe reason enough to make Riley and our creator lie to us, terrify us about the burning sun.

*sigh* Okay, the picture didn’t work. Never mind.

Maybe it was a reason Riley would explain to Diego, and since it was so important and he was so responsible, Diego would promise to keep the secret and they would be cool with that. Sure they would.

Oh yes—he DEFINITELY will. That is EXACTLY what will happen. She wouldn’t say it if that’s what wasn’t going to happen!

But what if what actually happened to Shelly and Steve was that they'd discovered the shiny skin thing and not run? What if they'd gone to Riley?

I sincerely doubt they were as stupid as you are. But if they were, considering that Riley told us he saw the ashes? *slaps her* WAKE UP, YOU DUMBASS.

And, crap, there went the next step in my logical path. The chain dissolved and I started panicking about Diego again.

Because that’s all she does now. She’s got her love interest, and, like Bella, she just spends most of her time panicking about him.

As I stressed,

That really is not the word I would’ve chosen to describe how she was supposed to be feeling about this situation.

I realized that I'd been thinking things through for a while.

You could have fooled me.

I could feel dawn coming on. No more than an hour away. So where was Diego? Where was Riley?

Coming home shouldn’t take this long! Because they are DEFINITELY coming home.

As I thought this, the door opened and Raoul leaped down the stairs, laughing with his buddies. I hunched down, leaning closer to Fred.

I do wonder if Meyer realizes that she didn’t write Raoul as sounding creepy because of violence, but because he likes to molest the female members of the group. Doubtful.

Raoul didn't notice us. He looked at the crispy-fried vampire in the center of the floor and laughed harder.

Oh, he’s really under Riley’s thumb.

His eyes were brilliant red.

On the nights Raoul went hunting, he never came home till he had to. He would keep feeding as long as he could.

Riley keeps him so well-controlled, doesn’t he?

So dawn must have been even closer than I'd thought.

Riley must have demanded that Diego prove his words.

Of course it is!

That was the only explanation.

Naturally—the only one!

And they were waiting for the dawn.

Oh, yes, that is definitely what is happening!

Only… that would mean that Riley didn't know the truth, that our creator was lying to him, too. Or did it? My thoughts twisted up again.

Like your underwear.

Kristie showed up minutes later with three of her gang. She reacted indifferently to the pile of ashes. I did a quick head count as two more hunters hurried through the door. Twenty vampires.

Two of the group were killed in just one night because Riley keeps them so contained and disciplined.

Everyone was home except Diego and Riley.

Who are BOTH DEFINITELY COMING HOME.

The sun would rise at any moment.

Just like how Diego is coming in at any moment!

The door at the top of the basement stairs creaked as someone opened it. I sprang to my feet.

And with that, we end this section.

*winds up and slaps Bree* DUMBASS.

*winds up with the other hand and slaps Meyer* DUMBASS.




Have you EVER SEEN someone that stupid? I do ask you that—did even BELLA act this stupid? I know she’s a complete moron, but I think we have finally found someone who makes Bella look like she has more than one brain cell.

Part V | Table of Contents | Part VII



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