Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

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The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Part V)

Okay, the recap of the previous part will be easy this time—nothing happened, Freaky Fred farted, and then Diego and Bree sniffed Riley out to where he’s hiding out with Victoria in the most CONSPICUOUS HOUSE EVER.

With that, we begin Part V!

Part V


Bree and Riley go creeping up to Victoria’s ridiculous house, following a trail of bread crumbs, no doubt—however, they make it very clear that they have no idea that it is Victoria’s house. Didn’t they just say in the last section that they had a feeling the reason Riley was in such a hurry was that he wanted to get to Victoria? *shakes head* Anyway, Diego eyes the house for a while, and then jumps straight from his trail through the air and into the trees where Bree is in order to not leave his own scent trail to the trees where Bree’s scent will be so Riley won’t know she followed, too—since, remember, as the wimmins, she has to stay in hiding. When he finally picks his way to Bree, he instantly starts holding her hand. Meyer, do you not realize that your slum teenagers actually look more like, you know, small children? No, she doesn’t.

They creep through the trees closer to the back of the house, and they hear something very weird coming out of it. “Strange little brushing, ticking sounds.” They spend forever just wondering what the hell that is, then Diego grins and figures it out—Riley and Victoria, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.


Kissing didn't sound the same with vampires as it did with humans. No soft, fleshy, liquid-filled cells to squish against each other. Just stone lips, no give. I had heard one kiss between vampires before — Diego's touch to my lips last night — but I never could have made the connection. It was so far from what I'd expected to find here.

Uh…few things.

1) That’s one of the most unappealing descriptions of kissing I have ever heard in my life. And notice it applies to human kissing. Yes, because human kissing is bad kissing. Considering the valid argument that Meyer’s vampires = Mormons, the implication being non-Mormon kissing is dirty, FILTHY, unappealing kissing…uh, yeah.
2) ‘Course, that still makes vampire kissing look pretty awful. No give at all? Meaning you’re just tapping each other and basically grinding each other, and so not in the good way? To say nothing of the fact that, if there is no give, HOW THE FUCK DO THEY MOVE AT ALL?!
3) You wouldn’t have gotten that impression from all the times Bella described kissing Wardo, would you?
4) Spoiler from the future—WHY THE HELL DID YOU DESCRIBE THEM AS SOFT IN BREAKING DAWN?

Well, Bree starts thinking on all this, kind of weirded out by the fact that Riley actually went to go make out with someone. And yet again, they sound like prepubescent children, because it’s all “eww, kissing, tee hee!” Don’t do that, Riley—you’ll get cooties! Just how immature are you, Meyer?

Well, the thought of Riley smooching Victoria makes Bree have a flashback. She talks about how Riley had taken her to Victoria’s house after feeding her the burger, and had apparently broken her arm as he dragged her in. All the lights were out, so she couldn’t see anything, and then Victoria started talking.

Sorry for a large quote, but…you really need to see the dialogue. Because all of their idiocy and horrible treatment and opinion of humans thus far?

Hold onto your butts.


I remembered what she'd said. "Why did you even bring this one? It's too small." Something close to that, I thought. The words might not be exactly right, but that was the meaning.

I was sure Riley had sounded eager to please when he answered, afraid of disappointing. "But she's another body. Another distraction, at least."

I think I'd whimpered then, and he'd shaken me painfully, but he hadn't spoken to me again. It was like I was a dog, not a person.

"This whole night has been a waste," the child’s voice had complained. "I've killed them all. Ugh!"

I remembered that the house had shuddered then, as if a car had collided with the frame. I realized now that she'd probably just kicked something in frustration.

"Fine. I guess even a little one is better than nothing, if this is the best you can do. And I'm so full now I should be able to stop."

I think I’ll start with the idiocy first.

Okay. Right there—all of that right there, very CLEARLY stated that they were being used as pawns. A distraction? A body? Uh, yeah—they are using these people for something. She KNEW THIS WHOLE TIME that she was being created for one purpose—to distract something and DIE.

AND YET THEY HAVE SPENT THIS WHOLE TIME WONDERING JUST WHY RILEY IS CREATING THEM. JESUS CHRIST, THAT IS AS BAD AS AIRHEAD AND COMPANY BEING CAPTURED BY DEATH EATERS, AND AIRHEAD FORGETTING THAT SHE STILL HAD HER WAND.

Not only that, but look at Victoria’s idiocy—she just pretty much blurted out her intentions right there! But I guess it’s okay—she basically says her plan in front of them, and then they all either completely shrug it off and forget that they were created for a reason at all, or they act like these two: “I wonder what on earth we were made for? It is such a mystery.” Even better, when it comes to her changing people for her newborn army? She doesn’t think to have Riley tear her away from the people or something sensible like that! She has someone RIGHT THERE who can help her stop eating, but no, just like when the Cullens sat back and watched indulgently as Wardo chewed on Bella, Riley just sits there and stares stupidly as Victoria kills person after person after person and gets madder and madder.

*slaps every single person involved in this farce* DUMBASSES!!!

Of course, there’s also the unrealistic part with Victoria kicking something and the entire house shaking. Meyer, if she kicked that hard, HER FOOT WOULD GO THROUGH THE WALL. A car might not, but all that force on a tiny bit of surface area? Think about how painful it is when someone steps on you in a sneaker versus when someone steps on you with their high-heeled shoe. Do you EVER think? I mean, at all—not just about what you’re writing, I mean ABOUT ANYTHING?

And…there’s the other part. It bears repeating.

I think I'd whimpered then, and he'd shaken me painfully, but he hadn't spoken to me again. It was like I was a dog, not a person.

Bree said that. Bree says that and quite obviously expects us to feel pity for her and think about how mean Riley is. We are expected to be all shocked and appalled at Riley’s behavior. We are supposed to hate Riley for thinking so little of humans and treating them in such an abusive manner. We are supposed to look down on Riley and Victoria for thinking of Bree as something less than human.

*backtracks through what she’s recapped thus far*


“Some paperboy must have restocked the machine. Lucky for him, he was nowhere around.” ~Page 1

“I just wanted to find some unlucky people who wouldn't even have enough time to think wrong place, wrong time.” ~Page 2

“I was a god now. Stronger, faster, better. Nobody else counted.” ~Page 8

“The problem with humans was that they just never had enough blood in them.” ~Page 11

“I thought how stupid people were, how oblivious, and I was glad I wasn't one of the clueless.” ~Page 13

“Like the last one, this house was remote, had a big basement, and had recently deceased owners.” ~Page 25

“I leaned away, uncomfortable, when I realized he was talking about human stuff. Nobody talked about that.” ~Page 28

“I couldn't really understand his loss, the pain it still clearly caused him to feel. I hadn't left anything behind that I missed.” ~Page 31

“Not that they could have done anything to us, but I wasn't thirsty, and all the screaming would have ruined the mood.” ~Page 50

Meyer, I really think now would be a good time to start thinking about what you’re writing. Maybe if you did, you wouldn’t cause me to think that you are the most miserable human being alive right now. Maybe if you put the slightest bit of thought into your writing, you wouldn’t make me want to slap you in the face. In all seriousness. You are absolutely disgusting. How dare you even think to put that in there. After four complete novels, one incomplete novel, and the entire first seventy pages of a novella (and undoubtedly the rest of it, too) spending time doing little but talk about how worthless and pathetic and useless humans are, after establishing all of your characters as believing that murdering thinking human beings with lives and families and wishes and dreams and souls is perfectly all right because, after all, they aren’t human, so it’s different and reasonable, and expecting me to agree with it, and after saying in countless interviews how you are anti-human, after saying THIS in your preface right here: “I got to look through her red eyes at us humans; suddenly we were pathetic and weak, easy prey, of no importance whatsoever except as a tasty snack.” After all of that, you can say that sentence up there with a straight face and expect me to swallow it and react the way you want me to?

You aren’t just disgusting. I think you’re psychotic. Use some of your millions for some therapy. Or at the very least, for someone to remind you that you too are a pathetic, weak, easy-prey human, and so is your husband, and so are your parents, and so are your siblings, and most of all, so are your children. As I asked in my Twilight recap, would it be as reasonable and sensible if your precious characters decided your sons looked particularly juicy? I think you should ask yourself that question every time you sit down to write on this series.

*rubbing her head* Moving on, before I say something I’ll really regret. Let it be known that I hate personal attacks on the author. But also let it be known that this is truly, truly awful. To the point that I am so appalled that I can’t even lose my temper. This is beyond infuriating or Paul or even Mervin the Terrible. Just speechless disgust.

Bree ends her flashback by saying that she took a note out of the Great Bella’s book and just sat there and closed her eyes, not even trying to run or get away from anything, and only screaming when Victoria bit her. Apparently, it was like “a blade coated with acid”. I do have to ask why she never screamed when Riley was breaking her arm and then shaking her with said broken arm. Anyway—this flashback was triggered mostly because Bree has to now beat us over the head with how weird that only memory of their interaction is when compared to them smooching.

Victoria then asks, “How many?” Riley says there are twenty-two, all pleased with himself. “Diego and I exchanged a sharp glance. There were twenty-two of us, at last count, anyway. They must be talking about us.

*dryly* Thank you, Meyer.

In order to bring the subject back around to what is really important, Riley immediately starts talking about Diego and Bree out of literally nowhere, saying he thought they’d fried, but that they’d survived. Meyer gays it up some more, saying how “affectionate” Riley is when he talks about Diego and how he “is… obedient”. Oh, “obedient”—is that what they’re calling it these days? Victoria goes total bitchface on him, demanding to know if he’s positive of Diego’s loyalty and “good kid” status, which actually sounds more like she’s concerned that Diego is swaying Riley’s loyalties instead.

Victoria asks if everyone is still following “the normal patterns”, never speaking in any specifics so Meyer can try and maintain some mystery, even though it sounds horribly awkward like they are deliberately avoiding specific words when they otherwise have no reason to. Oh, by the way, why can’t Victoria and Riley hear Diego and Breen farting around in the trees? They have that same cotton in their ears that Alice used back in Twilight when she didn’t hear James talking on the phone? Riley says everything is good, and that he keeps them all distracted by starving them so they won’t think and he keeps them all nice and controlled.

Except we already know for a fact that he doesn’t.

Bree and Diego continue to be complete and utter IDIOTS, pondering just why Riley wouldn’t want any of them to think. Riley wants to know if “it's time”, and Victoria bitches at him that hell no, it isn’t time, and, though she mentions no names, proceeds to launch into all about how GREAT and POWERFUL and AWESOME and FEARSOME the Cullens are because AREN’T THEY JUST THE MOST POWERFUL COVEN EVER AND WE SHOULD FEAR THEM HA HA HA HA, you can just fuck off, Meyer.

Aaaaaand Bree and Diego continue to be stupid.


Diego and I had not looked away from each other throughout all this, and I could see in his eyes now that his thoughts were the same as mine. Yes, we'd been created for a purpose, as we'd guessed. We had an enemy. Or, our creator had an enemy. Did the distinction matter?

Oh, no. Of course the distinction doesn’t matter. Even though it’s more than clear that you’ve been fed a full line of lies since day one, talked about as if you were nothing but skeet to be shot as a distraction, have zero loyalties to Victoria and Riley, know that they hate you and think nothing of you, and the one guy you want to trust talks of Diego not as his friend, but as obedient. The distinction doesn’t matter at all!

*slaps them both* DUMBASSES.

So. That’s when Meyer actually throws me for a loop! I am being quite honest here—I did not expect this.

Diego spots something coming across the field, and Bree utters a completely incomprehensible line of description about them: “They all wore long, dark cloaks with deep hoods, so at first I thought they were people. Weird people, but just humans all the same, because none of the vampires I knew had matching Goth clothes. And none moved in a way that was so smooth and controlled and… elegant. But then I realized that none of the humans I'd ever seen could move that way, either, and what’s more, they couldn't do it so quietly.” Took me a while to decipher just what the hell Bree was talking about in terms of thinking they were humans or vampires or WHAT, since obviously the clothes make the man/vampire, but didn’t take me that long at all to realize that, well, look who it is. It’s the Volturi, and they are headed straight for Victoria’s house. I guess she’s not that good at evasion after all.

Bree wants to “get the hell out of Dodge now”, seeing as they might be the powerful enemies Victoria was talking about since Bree is a complete coward, just like every other vampire Meyer writes, and doesn’t like to not have a very clear advantage. But Diego wants to stay and listen to what is going on.

So, the Volturi group marches on, failing to notice a couple of vampires in the trees because they are wearing plot blinders, showing off how they were in band as humans as they go in perfect formation and straight towards the house, and then they let themselves in. There’s a bit of silence, but then Jane tells Victoria to sit her ass down and to relax, because they aren’t necessarily in a killing mood. Victoria is all panicky, demanding to know what they want, and Jane answers, wanting to know if their bout of law-breaking has anything to do with—you guessed it—the Cullens, since the whole world revolves around them, of course. Still doesn’t mention any names. Naturally.

Also of course, Jane saying that the army is totally illegal prompts Bree to inflate her head.


Diego and I frowned simultaneously. None of this made sense, but the last part was the weirdest. What could be illegal for vampires? What cop, what judge, what prison could have power over us?

Okay. Now I’m really glad that Jane tasers the hell out of Bree in the end. And I am sad that she stopped doing it. She should’ve zapped the little bitch a whole lot more.

Here’s basically the conversation that goes down. Victoria says yes, she wants to take out the Cullens, but because of their abilities, can’t make any decisions yet. Jane says no duh, idiot, but we’re pretty impressed with how you managed to keep your plans safe from them so far and stay “off the radar”, and Victoria says she does that by avoiding decisions. Jane compliments her, and then says you’ve been indecisive long enough, sweets, time to make up your mind now. We’ve been allowing you to fart around for far too long, so I’m here to goad you into action. She gives them five days to attack the Cullens, and if they haven’t done it by then, well, everybody gets made into crispy-critters. Then they leave, marching right back the way they came, and Bree talks about how terrified she is of them.

Now—while I did say unexpected and the first time Meyer ever surprised me, I didn’t say it was good and, you know, not stupid.

  • Alice never Saw any kind of Volturi involvement. I was willing to give a pass to that originally—we thought they had a completely hands-off approach, simply allowing Victoria’s band grow and do their thing without interfering. It would make sense that she didn’t See anything, as their decision was to do nothing. But this time? They just made an active decision to find Victoria, resulting in direct involvement. And Alice had supposedly been watching the Volturi’s decisions like crazy. Why did she not See this? Don’t tell me it didn’t actively involve the Cullens or Bella, because it did.

  • Wardo figures out Volturi involvement when he reads their minds after the battle in Eclipse. And he just didn’t think this sort of thing was worth mentioning? Even better, they have the nerve to act surprised when they come for them in Breaking Dawn.

  • Why on earth is Aro so determined to let Victoria kill things he actually wants? Does he want them dead or does he want to collect them? Which is it?

  • Jane, Victoria and her newborn army have been anything BUT “off the radar”.

  • Bree was just scoffing about how there is no authority amongst vampires, because they are far too awesome and godlike for law. Now all of the sudden she’s terrified of them? Especially after they haven’t really done anything that warrants fear? Talk is cheap, Meyer—they didn’t actually do anything.

  • Bree called the Cullens the “yellow eyes” in Eclipse. Here she calls the Volturi the “dark-cloaks”. Either Bree is some kind of troglodyte, or Meyer is a really, really bad writer.

They wait for a while again anyway, because, as always Diego is the man and makes the decisions and says they should, not caring that Bree wants to leave—shush, Bree, he’s waiting for the plot points. Victoria talks again, saying that “now they know”, and once again, Bree whips out the ballpoint banana. “Was she talking about the cloaks or the mysterious clan? Which one was the enemy she’d mentioned before the drama?” If you can tell me legitimately how Bree would make the connection between her saying that and the Cullens, feel free.

Victoria tells Riley to go get something started tonight, and Diego and Bree finally turn tail and flee, running hither and yon back to their cabin. And guess what? They are still ROCK. STUPID.


"I've got to get back and be waiting," Diego whispered to me as we raced. "Lucky it's not in view of the house! Don't want him to know I heard."

"We should talk to him together."

"Too late for that. He'd notice that your scent wasn't on the trail. Looks suspicious."

"Diego…" He'd trapped me into sitting this one out.

We were back to the spot where he'd joined me. He spoke in a rushed whisper.

"Stick to the plan, Bree. I'll tell him what I planned to tell him. It's not close to dawn, but that's just how it has to be. If he doesn’t believe me…" Diego shrugged. "He's got bigger things to worry about than me having an overactive imagination. Maybe he'll be more likely to listen now — looks like we need all the help we can get, and being able to move around in the day can't hurt."

I’m not even going to bother. After everything they just heard, everything Riley and Victoria said, everything the Volturi said—Not. Going. To. Bother.

Diego continues to boss her around, telling her to just stick with the plan because He Knows Best, and then pecks her on the lips again before rushing off. They head home separately, and Bree throws in an off-hand comment about how she’d just make up a story if anyone asks where she was. Naturally, the story involves killing people. Bree gets home, and can smell that somebody threw a vampire on the grill again, more than likely for absolutely no reason. She immediately panics, because she could DIE. Coward. She immediately hides behind Fred, who’s sitting in a corner.

Meyer hauls out the sledgehammer again, saying that when she gets over to him, the revulsion fades, all while beating us over the head with her insistence that obviously, he doesn’t see her. Yes, he just chose to fade it for no reason. He’s reading one of the books that Bree left him, and she wonders if he can actually turn off his ability. But, because he’s turned it down, Bree has finally gotten a good look at him (which confuses the hell out of me—just what the hell is his power?! It can apparently render him INVISIBLE!).


For the first time ever, I really saw what Fred looked like. He was tall, maybe six two, with the thick, curly blond hair I'd noticed once before. He was broad-shouldered and muscular. He looked older than most of the others — like a college student, not a high school kid. And — this was the part that surprised me most for some reason — he was good-looking. As handsome as anyone else, maybe even handsomer than most. I didn't know why that was so trippy for me. I guessed just because I always associated him with revulsion.

And, of course, the first thing they all notice is that he’s hot. *rubs forehead* But at least he wasn’t tall and thin. I definitely would’ve called up Courage for copyright infringement.

Bree then notices that anyone who looks their way notices Fred, but doesn’t seem to see her. Fred gives her a grin, making it clear that he just kind of surrounded her with one of his fart bubbles. How nice of him. That still doesn’t make it any clearer just what his ability is or how it works. This doesn’t give him mystery, Meyer—it just makes me think you didn’t know, either.

After Bree calms down finally, she picks up a book and pretends to read, quietly freaking out about the whole situation. She gives us a nice, hand-holding recap of everything that’s gone down thus far, which I won’t repeat because you guys already know it, and you also know how incredibly stupid she is by not seeing what is right in front of her. Then she mentions Victoria’s reaction to Riley saying that Diego was telling the truth when he claimed to have been hiding from the sun when he was actually sparkling. She then starts wondering about when Victoria went bitchface at Riley about the story he told her with regards to Bree and Diego hiding. She ponders if she was doubting Riley’s veracity about them surviving, or if maybe Victoria was wondering about Diego’s story, thinking maybe he didn’t hide like he said and found out about how sunlight isn’t deadly. That, of course, leads to her wondering why Victoria would lie to them through Riley about this. Because she’s an IDIOT. Meyer, your characters are idiots. They are JUST COMPLETE IDIOTS.

Well, that thought FINALLY gets through her head that, if they’ve been lying about the sun, deliberately keeping the truth from them, then it must be for a reason, and if Riley finds out that Diego knows, then he’s in trouble, isn’t he? Yes, it finally occurs to her, when it’s way too late to go back and actually mention it to him.

*eyes glazing over* Dear God, this is dragging. She has just launched into a ten-page introspective bit. She does nothing but talk about all the things she is wondering about. I am not joking. Oh sweet Jesus. How the hell am I gonna sum this up… *holding her head, very much in pain*

I’m going to have to call it a day for that part, ending on page eighty-six. Part VI may be a sporking—because I cannot figure out how on earth to sum that up.

This part was absolutely laden with stupidity. We find out that Bree has known this whole time that they are being used in a plot, but then has been acting like she had no idea what was going on until she had her flashback. And then they find out AGAIN that they are being used and aren’t intended to survive this and are being lied to and controlled and used, and they STILL just stupidly go right back home and think Riley is a friend. *slaps forehead*

See you tomorrow, hopefully—I don’t know how long the sporking will take me. This is so…bad.

Part IV | Table of Contents | Part VI



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