Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Part IV)

*grumpily* Your quick recap of what’s happened so far? Bree and Diego made rainbows and are now in love. Think I’m gonna explain how that happened? I’m not. Because Meyer didn’t either. However, I will first point out something I didn’t do in the last one because I was too angry—“all the screaming”? Seriously? You think a person would start screaming in horror if they saw you sparkling? Just what on earth does Meyer think sparkling looks like?!

Part IV


We open up with some stupid, stupid stupidity. Because they still haven’t guessed that maybe Riley already knows that they sparkle instead of burn and has been lying to them. Did I mention exactly why that was stupid? Probably. But I’ll go into it again—Riley obviously does not like them. He is changing a whole bunch of idiots, preferring the stupid people, he’s not doing it out of any favor to them, and yet they are both acting like Riley would never lie to them, since they’re all just best friends!

So. Stupid stupid of stupidity.

They decide to go off tracking the rest of the newborns in their group, and emphasize how sparkly they are in the sun and talk about how they are going to be ninjas. A ninja could kick your ass. Off they go, looking for their missing coven, because they absolutely must be with them because, uh…they hate them so much and think they are being used as pawns in a plot…okay, I ask again—why don’t you just LEAVE? They try to figure out how to track them, talking about how they definitely will not split up to look for them because ZOMG PARTING WOULD BE SUCH SWEET SORROW. Don’t do that. They talk about the options on where they would be going, Riley always seems to be prepared—are they done yet? This is dragging, and it really is rambling like this—it isn’t just me. Okay, there is absolutely nothing of interest until page fifty-three. Everything before that is just, “We looked for Riley’s group. And then we looked some more. And we were still looking. We can’t find Riley’s trail. I wonder where Riley’s trail is?” I’m so not kidding.

Page fifty-three, they find the trail (I’m guessing it’s scent, though don’t ask me—don’t ask me how they are tracking, either, because I thought trackers were a special breed of vampire) after tracking all day (with no further mention of sparkling) and the sun sets, and we get back to wondering whether or not Riley should be told about the sparkling. Bree says no way, and to pretend they just hid all day. Even better, that they said absolutely nothing to each other. No talking! I’d be all for that. However, they keep talking. And they keep being stupid.


"You think Riley's a bad dude, don't you?" he asked quietly after a minute. As he spoke, he took my hand.

"I don't know. But I'd rather act like he was, just in case." I hesitated, then said, "You don't want to think he's bad."

"No," Diego admitted. "He's kind of my friend. I mean, not like you're my friend." He squeezed my fingers. "But more than anyone else. I don't want to think…" Diego didn’t finish his sentence.

I squeezed his fingers back. "Maybe he's totally decent. Our being careful doesn't change who he is."

I do wonder—is Meyer aware of how aggressively stupid she writes these people? In every respect, these people are rock stupid. Their mannerisms, the way they talk, their thought processes—they are just rock stupid. That isn’t even going into the horrible characterization here, and proof that Meyer has no idea how to write slum kids—these kids have been pushed around and battered and beaten all their lives. Now they’re being pushed around and battered and beaten by someone else, but because he’s all white and delightsome, they trust him? If anything, they should hate him MORE! He didn’t ask if they wanted this—he sweet-talked them and changed them against their will! Why do they trust this guy so much?! He is not friendly with them, he’s not nice to them, and from the moment he meets them, he is LYING to them! What is the DEAL?! (And why is Bree suddenly suspicious? She’s been fine with doing as he says this whole time. Just like Diego.)

*shakes head* Diego says he’ll go with the story she cooked up, and says he’ll eventually tell Riley during the day, to prove it. Since, clearly, Riley has NO CLUE that vampires sparkle in sunlight instead of dying. CLEARLY. He just goes off by himself to meditate. Of course.

Bree starts bitching because Diego was using a singular pronoun just like Bella bitched when Wardo did it in Twilight, meaning she wasn’t included. However, she quickly decides that is best, because she “didn't have the same faith in [Riley] that Diego did”. That is sound logic—you don’t trust the guy, think he’s lying, so you’ll let Diego go off by himself to show off the sparkles. That won’t end badly at all. Then they start joking, and none of it is mentioned (thank GOD), but they are both “thinking serious stuff” under their joking demeanors. Namely, that the group of vampires hasn’t settled in Seattle again. Apparently, they always settle near Seattle, but this time, they are going “sixty miles farther west than [their] usual perimeter”, and Bree beats us over the head with how THERE IS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING OFF ABOUT THIS I WONDER WHAT ON EARTH IT COULD BE. Thank you.

So, they find the house the newborns have holed up in this time, and decide to pretend they don’t know each other. Isn’t this some irony?


"Hey, I don't even know you," I said in a joking tone. "I haven't had one conversation with you, what with all that water we sat in all day. You could be a ninja or a vampire for all I know."

He grinned. "Same goes for you, stranger."

I love how they are acting like they do know each other.

Into the house they go—it is apparently very, very noisy. Because that’s how you blend in and lay low, after all. They agree to pretend not to know each other, and that they will go on “reconnaissance” tomorrow. And then? ZOMG. First kiss! “Just a peck”, but of course, it sends her into a wild frenzy of lust. Because Meyer is repressed. Into the house they go, for real this time.

Diego opens with a very stupid sentence to the newborns: “Trying to lose me, losers?” No, but he is paging the Department of Redundancy Department. Bree takes the time to emphasize how awesome her vision is (does Meyer wear contacts? Is that why there is all the emphasis on awesome vampire vision in this one?), and quickly finds Fred on the couch. She hops behind it and hides. Yes, we find that Bree is exactly what Meyer loves to glorify—the coward. Oh, she’s all hardcore and a god and will miss your shit up when she’s among humans or pitted against one vampire that’s old enough to the point where she’s plenty stronger than they are. But in a room full of newborns who are just as strong as she is and can and have taken her on? She literally cowers behind a couch—behind the only guy in the room who can ward them all off.

Diego starts bitching at Kevin, saying he had to clean up his hunting mess for him, and Kevin says, “Whatever.” Clearly, they live in constant fear and are ruled with an iron fist by Riley and Raoul and Victoria. Clearly. Speak of the devil—it’s Raoul! He mentions that Bree made it, too, but doesn’t know her name, and Raoul makes fun of Diego for being the “savior of the hour” for letting Bree borrow his underwater cave, too.

I’d just like to say that none of this makes any sense. Why are they so desperate for everyone else to die? Why are they so snide and insulting to each other? It doesn’t make SENSE.

Bree mentions that Riley isn’t here, because he’s after “dregs kids” for Victoria. Meyer, do you think that is proper? It isn’t. “Dregs kids” is horribly awkward. And stop repeating dregs! They’d say filth or lowlife before they’d say dregs!

Things continue to not make sense. Raoul starts making it clear that he would dearly love to kill Diego. Uh, why? Is he jealous that Diego is Riley’s butt-buddy, and he wants that sparkly white cock all to himself? Diego says the stupid line about how Raoul’s too scared to take him alone, and for once, Raoul acts sensibly (only in the sense of reply to the line) that he doesn’t care about that nonsense, he just wants to kill him. He also says he’ll kill Bree, too, because that’s clearly “evidence of [Diego’s] unfortunate survival”. Well, that was a strange hop in the conversation—guess we had to bring the subject back around to our central Mary Sue somehow. Even if it did call to mind the Wicked Witch of the West. “I’ll get you, Diego—and your little Bree, too!” Oh, by the way—why do you care about that? Riley doesn’t give a shit what you do. He’d just yell at you, and that clearly has zero effect on your personality.

Really, why does Raoul want to kill them at all? Is there any reason?

Seriously. Is there a reason? Is there ANY. REASON. AT ALL. FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.

shaolina, feel free to think one up for Meyer, since she neglected to do so. Make it extra-slashy.

Well, Bree is just about to panic and fly out of her hiding place and fight to the death, when all of the sudden, “a wave of revulsion so overpowering” it knocks everyone over floods the room.

*raises hand*

How, exactly, does one give off revulsion?

Well, it works. Everyone goes into a complete snit and freaks out, and Raoul and his buddies run away. Freaky Fred: Silent, but Deadly. And if you could believe it, after everyone flips out and runs away, guess what Bree does.


I could barely move. And then I realized this had to be because I was so close to Freaky Fred. He was responsible for what was happening. And as horrible as I felt, I was still able to realize that he'd probably just saved my life.

Why?

You seriously didn’t realize immediately that it was Fred who was doing that.

*slaps Bree* DUMBASS.

And you also seriously don’t realize that maybe he did it not to save your life, but mostly because he was tired of all that nonsense and wasn’t in the mood to put up with it, seeing as they’d just moved to a new house and, as he’s got the power to curb people’s extreme killing rage, why not use it?

*slaps Bree* DUMBASS.

Bree peeks up, and Raoul’s gang is all gone. Everyone is “shaken”, leaving me to wonder just what, exactly, he does to repulse everyone. I like to think he fills their heads with pictures of nekkid grannies. Fred speaks for the first time—ever, apparently, and tells everyone to shut up. He has a “deep voice”.

Who here wants to hear him say the word “naughty”?! I DO, I DO!

Bree beats us over the head that clearly, he only did it for “peace and quiet”, and we get another “whatever”. Because saying that word over and over again is a good way to indicate that your characters are teenagers. She says that now Riley will have confirmation that Diego came back alive, so Raoul can’t kill him. What on earth is stopping him?! And why did he want to kill him in the first place?!! *tears hair*

Randomly, Fred apologizes to Bree, and she says he has “thick, wavy bond hair”. And that’s two points now. Meyer’s already stolen from Hellboy—please don’t tell me she’s going to steal from “Courage the Cowardly Dog”, too.

Bree thanks him for that little move, and then spends the rest of the time hiding behind the couch, mentioning that any time she tried to look at Fred, it makes her sick. So…how, exactly, does this ability work? What does it DO? I am so confused.

After the time passes, in strolls Riley, with Raoul in tow. They’re all nervous and quiet, because apparently Riley commands fear in them. Look, that doesn’t work, okay? If they were truly afraid of Riley, why do they go out and make huge messes at night and show zero fear at the threat of being tattled on? You can’t have this both ways, okay?

Riley is all glad Diego is alive, and Diego greets him in a friendly way. Raoul’s gang relaxes, because Diego clearly will not tattle. Bree ponders the situation, and shaolina continues to win with her dark horse prediction.


Maybe Riley listened to Diego more than I realized. I wondered whether that was why Raoul had gotten crazy before.

Was it a good thing if Diego was that in with Riley after all? Maybe Riley was okay. That relationship didn't compromise what we had, did it?

Does…does Meyer even know what she is SAYING?

Well, sun is up now (introducing new, faster days!), and everybody is hiding out in the basement. The newborns are all violent, and the violence is so pointless. Riley spends most of the time shouting, because he commands such fear. Clearly. Limbs get torn off ‘cause Riley is so in control, but there are no fires. Bree tries to establish some of Fred’s mystery some more, saying she leaves her books by him once she finishes them, and she isn’t sure if he reads them or not. Bree wonders if Fred knows she’s got some attachment to Diego when she got all crouchy and ready to attack Raoul before, and I have to ask—how would he know? Did you forget that you were HIDING. BEHIND. THE COUCH?

Night falls, and Riley starts telling which groups can go out when. Bree tells us that everybody actually just waits for Riley to leave after he says who gets to go out and who has to stay inside, and then they all go out anyway because he doesn’t stick around to monitor them. Because he commands such respect and fear of the group. Clearly.

*slaps Meyer* DUMBASS.

Riley’s in a hurry tonight—looks like he’s off to see his paramour. Sure enough, once he’s out, everyone else goes out, too. Bree heads out with them, hoping Diego meets her later, which he does. They have a hug, and chat idly about the events of the day before Diego brings up that they were going to tell Riley about the sparkling. Bree insists that is a bad idea. But, because she’s Bella the woman in this relationship and Diego is Wardo the man, we do it his way. He says they can follow Riley to wherever it is he’s going—separately, however, so they’ll only know about Diego’s scent. They have to figure out a way to time it, thought, so that they arrive at dawn so Diego “can glitter”. Look, just say it’s sparkling, okay? Don’t try and dress it up like that.

Diego says they need to be careful, because showing up if Riley’s with Victoria would be Bad. Do not ask me why. Because they don’t tell me. Then we have a random insertion of how Diego thinks that whatever they were made for is coming up soon. Oh, geez, they admit that they have been made for a purpose, they know they are pawns, but they still think Riley is just the greatest guy on earth. *facepalm*

So, Bree thinks about Diego’s plan, thinks about how he’s telling her to stay away while he takes care of everything, and points that out. He is very obviously lying about trusting Riley and all that, but lying is what you do to your True Love in these stories, so lie away, Diego!

(I’d also like to note that he has apparently taken off both his afro and his sombrero and now has absolutely no clear racial characteristics, which is quite jarring after his gamut of stereotypes.)

Bree is a meek little wimmins, though, and does as Diego says—they start tracking, he on the ground and she leaping through the trees. It doesn’t take long to catch Riley’s scent, and after a short jaunt, they find where he went.


Less than half a mile away was a large gap in the trees, an open field that covered several acres. Near the center of the space, closer to the trees on its east side, was what looked like an oversized gingerbread house. Painted bright pink, green, and white, it was elaborate to the point of ridiculousness, with fancy trim and finials on every conceivable edge. It was the kind of thing I would have laughed at in a more relaxed situation.

*flatly* Oh look. Hansel and Gretel. Meyer is so literary.

Sorry. Wrong word. I meant stupid.

‘Kay. That is page seventy. We made good headway this time, and, as you can tell from how short this was? Twenty pages later and pretty much NOTHING has happened. We have officially GROUND TO A HALT. We spent almost the entire time in the basement of their new house, and NOTHING. HAPPENED. Then they left and they found Victoria, and the fashion in which they found her was so stupid I had to turn it off again.

THIS IS ONLY 178 PAGES AND SHE STILL HAS TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE SURE NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS!!!!!

So. Tomorrow, we pick up where we left off. See you then!

Part III | Table of Contents | Part V
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