Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: Part II

Right. Picking up where we left off? Bree had ditched Kevin and his buddy, who were squabbling over a woman of two parts, to go murdering in peace with Diego, who is ~different~ than the rest, mostly because he’s older and has had a chance to calm down. They slaughtered five people and then Diego asked her out on a date, and she reluctantly agreed, unable to resist Diego’s ~different~ charm. It was all very romantic. You could just feel their love already blossoming.

Shall we?



Part II


Well! Bree and Diego did a job well done covering up their dinner remains. While they bask in the afterglow of dinner, Bree asks Diego just why the hell Riley is so friendly with him. Oh, GEEZ—and she turns to the audience AGAIN, GODDAMMIT!!! She tells us: “The more time I spent with Diego, the less I could picture him being in tight with Riley. Diego was so… friendly. Nothing like Riley. But maybe it was an opposites-attract thing.

1) What the hell? You act like you’ve been spending time with him for a long time now, but he didn’t even know your name just thirty minutes ago!

2) You can tell me all about how friendly he is, Meyer. The fact still remains that he and Bree just cheerfully murdered five people. He is no different than the rest of the newborns—he just murders with a smile on his face and doesn’t try to steal anyone else’s.

3) Opposites attract? Please tell me that was not another sledgehammer. I think I’ll just think of it as slash—Riley and Diego are totally doing it and Bree and Meyer are too dumb to see it. Hey, shaolina, your prediction is coming true!

Diego says that Riley likes him because he is good at cleaning up. He invites Bree to run a “quick errand”, and Bree agrees. Why?


I was starting to be entertained by this strange boy. Curious about him. I wanted to see what he would do.

So, she’s only killing criminals and disposable people, thinks humans are totally beneath her and it’s not wrong to kill and eat them, and finds her love interest is entertaining, as if he was some kind of science experiment.

Hi, Wardo!

They head off, backtracking to where they started before, and we wind up looking at “Kevin and Co.”’s end result. A stack of three smashed cars, and a “handful” bystanders stacked up to join the rest.

Meyer seriously expects me to believe that her vampires have kept themselves hidden this whole time, doesn’t she? I don’t care that she said Kevin and his bud killed any witnesses—did they kill the whole STREET?

Well, Diego drops down to take care of things, arranging the cars to make it look like a collision, and Bree sticks the dead bodies in the car. Right, this isn’t going to cause any suspicion at all, considering the cars themselves look nothing like they’d hit each other, and it will not take cops long to figure out that the bodies in the cars had no reason to be in said cars. But Bree and Diego just have a nice giggle over their crime-covering hijinks, and Diego starts lighting things on fire, followed by Bree doing the same. “The bodies, dried out and laced with flammable venom, blazed up quickly.



Are you serious, Meyer? Are you seriously telling me that not only did the vampires in question suck hard enough on these people to COMPLETELY DRY THEM OUT, but that during this feeding, they PUMPED VENOM BACK IN EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE SUCKING AS HARD AS THE VACUUM OF SPACE, APPARENTLY?

*slaps Meyer* DUMBASS.

Diego then tells Bree to head back, and he shows off by flicking a lit match into the gas tank—or rather, “into the small hole” “with perfect aim”. Meyer is still repressed, as we can see. He jumps back himself to join Bree, and the explosion starts waking up the neighborhood. Apparently, smashing cars together and all over the street did not do that already. Bree compliments him, because that is definitely the sort of thing you should compliment a person on. Diego first asks if Bree wants to go back to Riley’s, but she doesn’t, and she sounds exactly like Bella Swan while she whines mentally about how she doesn’t wanna deal with anybody back there. Diego quickly cottons onto that fact, even though she didn’t say anything, and suggests shopping instead. Well, by shopping he means breaking and entering. Meyer proves that she has no clue how a strip mall works by having them break in through the roof access hatch and saying that the alarms are only on the windows and doors, and then has all of the stores in the mall apparently just be open to everyone and not be closed and alarmed separately. Oh, and security cameras don’t exist.

*sigh* Bree continues to channel Bella Swan, because this is apparently the only way Meyer knows how to make a character deep and ~special~: Bree is after books. And what do you know—Diego’s after music. It’s Bella and Wardo 2.0. I feel so good about that. Bree immediately goes and steals a dozen books from a store, saying “that would keep [her] a couple of days”. Keep her…what? Either way, it’s just totally Bella again. “Look at how GREAT I am, reading all these books—and look at how fast I can read them. You WISH you were me.”

Bree gets her books and sees Diego with all of his new CDs. It’s 2010, Meyer. If Raoul can have video games, just give Diego an internet connection and have him steal music from the internet and put it on his iPod.

Bree goes over to sit with Diego, and then goes all ZOMG DRAMA ON US.


This felt strange because it was familiar in a haunting, uncomfortable way. I had sat like this before — across a table from someone. I'd chatted casually with that person, thinking about things that were not life and death or thirst and blood. But that had been in a different, blurry lifetime.

The last time I'd sat at a table with someone, that someone had been Riley. It was hard to remember that night for a lot of reasons.

As opposed to every vampire who recalls how they were changed and their last night as a human with perfect clarity. *watches indulgently as Meyer throws her own canon out the window like a tantruming Harry Potter shipper*

Diego snaps her out of her flash-backing and asks why he hasn’t seen her around since now. Well, because it wasn’t convenient to the plot, Diego. Bree says it’s because she mostly sticks around a guy named Freaky Fred. Diego is rather stunned that she can stand to be around this dude, and they talk in vague terms so we’ll all be left guessing what about Fred is so revolting and why Bree is just so amazing for being able to stay around him. Diego mentions that Fred is another favorite, and Bree doesn’t get that at all, because why would he be a favorite when she was the only one who could stand to be around him? And really, that just sounds like she’s emphasizing her own speshulness and how she can be near this dude. Diego says that he has to be a favorite, because Riley was “on the phone with her” and talking about Fred.

I’d just like to mention that Dan over on Blogging Twilight had the right of it, Meyer—Victoria is just not a villain worthy of this kind of staying power and fear. She has no really big special power, everyone is stronger than she is, she spends most of her time running away, and after watching the newborns go on their little killing spree, she is no meaner or crazier or more violent than anyone else.

Bree immediately gets all shivery, and Diego is sympathetic, because apparently just the word “her” sends them all into spazzing. I have no idea why it should—it doesn’t scare them enough to not, you know, be hugely obvious and make a huge mess in Seattle. Anyway, Diego says that the main reason Riley likes Fred is because he’s got an ability, and Victoria is on the look-out for that.

And this is too good not to quote.


"Vampires with skillzzz."

He pulled the Z sound out, so I could hear how he was spelling it in his head.

Bree has found herself a jive turkey. And if you don’t believe that that was actually in the book and think I was making it up, it’s right there—go look at it for free, page twenty, in the middle. He says it.

Bree asks him to specify just what he means by that, because apparently she’s never heard of vampires having extra abilities. What, you just thought Fred was naturally repulsive? *rolls eyes* Diego clarifies and what do you know—we get mention of the Cullens by page twenty. The powers he mentions are “mind reading and tracking and even seeing the future”. Naturally, Bree is all uh-maz-ed, and Diego says that Fred just repels people on purpose, but that it’s “all in [their] heads”. In other words, Meyer just made a special emphasis on this power in the text to assure us that he’s yet another vampire that Bella would be immune to, isn’t she just so special. I’d also like to point out that that is the worst ability a vampire could possibly have. Just how does repelling your prey help you in catching it?

Also, I’d like to point out that while Bree is not immune to Fred, she just knows where to stand to avoid the brunt of it, it once again is Bella 2.0. Oh, look at how amazing she is, immune to the vampire power.

Bree asks if anyone else can do stuff like that, and he says that Raoul has a power—he draws people to him, but only really stupid ones. Again—not like Bella. But not like Bree and Diego, either—the “tamer kids”, as Diego says. Bree bristles at that, because she is hardcore, remember. Calling her tame is a total insult. Well, at least we appear to be getting a bit of an explanation as to why Raoul isn’t being axed, but again, Meyer expects me to believe that only three vampires out of all the newborns are intelligent enough to avoid being swayed by Raoul, and that Raoul doesn’t use this sway to just take out Riley, who crimps his style. Which I don’t. (And yet another power that Bree is immune to. Whee.)

Diego continues, saying that “something's coming”, hence the need for Raoul to lead. “A weird tingle spasmed along my spine when he said that…”. Uh, I think Bree is what’s coming. She wants to know what he thinks, and Diego mentions how Riley is always demanding everyone keep quiet and not draw attention to them. *holds her head in her hands* Guess what Bree does. If you guessed anything other than “turns to the camera and delivers another dead-herring-laden aside”, I may have to punch you. It even has this line about her musing on why he would say that: “Almost like he was questioning what Riley had told us.” *headdesk headdesk headdesk*

Bree wonders if he’s trying to spy on her for Riley, but despite all the hype about Riley being scary and someone to worry about, she blows off that possibility because Diego’s all speshul and nice. So she says yes, she has wondered what is up with all of this.

Pausing here to point out that, for all of Bree’s emphasized paranoia and carefulness, she has just been informed of vampire abilities and told that older vampires are kept around for their powers and never thinks once that maybe Diego has an ability that makes people trust him, and as such, never thinks that maybe he’s trying to influence her.

Diego says there is no way they are the only vampires in the world, but Bree points out that there aren’t very many because they’ve kept so secret thus far. No, you’ve kept secret because you live in a world where the humans in it have all had lobotomies. Diego brings up the fact that Victoria (they never call her by name, btw) keeps making more, and that that is weird. Bree says it is weird, since Riley doesn’t like them, so they aren’t doing it out of any favor, and points out that Victoria hasn’t even come down from on high, then asks why on earth they would be doing this.

Diego then spills his theory—he thinks they’re being created for some kind of protection, and that Riley is creating a front line for whatever they will be used for. So, basically, Meyer just spilled the whole plot right there on page twenty-three. We know that’s what she’s doing, because we’ve read Eclipse. Seeing as we’ve still got over 150 pages to go, Bree immediately says she doubts that is true, they have a good laugh and forget all about it, and say it’s time to go.

*HEADDESK*

That dead herring is worse than any one she threw at us in Midnight Sun.

Meyer introduces what could be interesting but I’m sure will be pissed away, as usual—apparently, they think traditional vampire rules still apply when it comes to sunlight. They have to get back before the sunrise, or they will burn up. A potentially good way to keep your army in line, yes. Except, as usual, couple of problems with that.

1) No other vampire myths apply. Why would they believe this one still does?
2) Given how careless these idiots are, they never had an accident and stayed out too late and discovered that they DON’T burn up in sunlight?

Anyway. Diego and Bree hit a Target on their way back—and again, no alarms or security cameras mentioned—and they grab some backpacks and ziplocks to store their new “purchases” so they can swim back to Riley’s. They head over to the sound and start swimming, and then it turns into a silly race between the two. I suppose I should think of it as flirting, except I don’t, because Bree does nothing but put down humans and talk about how fast and great she is. So it mostly just irritates me, and I pretty much skipped it.

They arrive at the island, and Bree tells us in giggly terms that the cabin they’ve set up in is fairly remote and has “recently deceased owners”. Oh, you scamps. She hops up out of the water, followed closely by Diego, but what should they discover but that their house has apparently been burned down and nobody is around. Bree mentions that apparently this happens often. So, lemme get this straight. There have been huge rashes of murders, suspicious car accidents, disappearances, and arson terrorizing the city of Seattle, and the whole thing blows over immediately after it ends, considering Bella and nobody else never mentions it again? No big shots were called into Seattle to find out what was up with this? Because this is a little more severe than a sniper in the trunk of a car or a serial killer who preys on runaway teenage boys and eats them in the privacy of his own home. Meyer, this was set in 2006. That’s five years after 9/11. The nation was and still is in a state of paranoia. People would be calling TERRORISM.

*slaps Meyer* DUMBASS.

Bree is having a quiet freakout, because the sun is rising and if they don’t find shelter soon, they are going to burn up. “This second thirsty, superhero life would go up in a sudden burst of flames.” Batman was a serial killer too, right? *shakes head* Anyway, this is exactly what makes me wonder why nobody else has discovered that they don’t burn yet—if this happens as often as you say it does, what is to stop it from happening DURING THE DAY?

Diego says not to worry, because he knows where to go. Diego dives right back into the water and tells her to follow, and she does, saying she “dove” off the cliff and that really just pissed me off, because she did that in Twilight, too, and the word “dove” irritates me as much as “irregardless” and “could care less”. Bree talks about how she’s just doing this because of a feeling, and she says dove again and I’m about to have a shitfit. He keeps swimming down and then Bree realizes that they are going to an underground cave, apparently. She mentions that it is “black as ink” down where they are, which makes me wonder just how the hell they are navigating down there. She bursts up into the cave, a nice little air pocket in the side of the island, apparently, and it’s very small. However, because Diego is ~special~, she’s not uncomfortable, and talks about how sharing this space with anyone else would’ve resulted in “a quick and painful death at any second”. WHY, GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT???!!!!!

*tears her hair* I hate these bitches. Anyway. Diego then wants to know how old she is. She repeats three months, but he clarifies, saying that he wants to know how old she is really.


I leaned away, uncomfortable, when I realized he was talking about human stuff. Nobody talked about that. Nobody wanted to think about it.

Yeah. Mostly because you hate it and are glad to be rid of it.

Bree says she was fifteen. Oh, great. Changing fifteen-year-old girls is truly a good way to build up a vampire army. The way Bree tells her age implies she can’t remember how old she is very well. It pissed me off. Bree asks how old Diego is, and he says he was eighteen. See? Nobody is allowed to be over eighteen. Diego hints that he was trying to get out of a nasty life, but seems regretful that he didn’t truly get out and instead became a vampire. I don’t buy it for a second, considering how cheerful he is about his new existence. Bree says that he’s done well in his new life, though, and then pulls up her sleeve and shows the scar where she got her arm ripped off once. I thought only venom left scars? Diego says he got his leg ripped off once, though—it’s all good so long as they can put themselves back together.

Diego then says she’s a “pretty decent vampire”, and Bree immediately gets all bitchy about that. Jesus—he tells you you’re a good vampire, and it pisses you off? You’ve been spending this whole time talking about how GLAD you are to be one! *growls* Well, maybe she was mad because it wasn’t enough praising (thanks, Bella)? It really wasn’t clear. Either way, Diego specifies, saying that he’s mostly just trying to figure things out—mainly, what Riley is doing. He doesn’t get why he’s picking “gang-bangers” instead of smart people like Bree.

*calmly* Meyer? I’m going to ask you right now—do you know what “gang-bang” means? I’m going to assume you don’t, seeing as you apparently think it just relates to being a member of a gang. I suggest looking it up—preferably on a Google image search. Now. And then maybe you will learn not to use that word again.

Diego keeps going, saying that Bree is obviously smart and was a better kid than everyone else, not some “junkie ho”—

*sprays Diet Coke all over the screen*

*coughing* Sorry. It snuck up on me. I knew it was gonna be in there, but I thought it was gonna be back with the prostitutes and when I didn’t see it, I got lulled into a false sense of security. Combine that with the fact that it came from Mr. Jive Honky, I just couldn’t contain it.

Bree confesses that she was on the verge of becoming *cough* a junkie ho. She emphasizes how much she doesn’t remember of her human life, because human life is for losers who are human. She talks about how she was apparently starving before she was changed. It’s really hard to figure out, but I think Meyer was implying that Bree was on the verge of resorting to prostitution just to get something to eat. Considering all of the emphasis on virginity Meyer puts in her story, I’m sure that is a fate worse than death. Fortunately, she got turned and will undoubtedly die a pure and unsullied virgin. *spits*

Diego continues to be down with it, bro, by saying, “Sing it, sister”, when she says thirst is worse than hunger. Bree asks if he was a problem child, and he says yes and pauses to sigh. Bree channels Bella and huffs his breath, saying he has an extra scent—“cinnamon or cloves”.

Just for the record, eastern Africa has been a huge producer of cloves for a very long time now.

You know. Just thought I might mention it.

Diego then starts saying that he was “gonna get out of the ghetto” and “away from all that junk”. He was approached by a gang leader, who had a “join or die” motto, and while Diego stayed away from him, apparently his younger brother wasn’t as lucky.

*horribly strained toothy smile* I’ll bet you were all really eager to hear another one of Bree’s asides!


I looked away, not sure how to respond. I couldn't really understand his loss, the pain it still clearly caused him to feel. I hadn't left anything behind that I missed. Was that the difference? Was that why he dwelled on memories that the rest of us shunned?

Yeah. Especially one like that. It could’ve been an interesting character point, except dwelling on human memories has been constantly portrayed as BAD, considering Bella is not sorry to see hers go, and neither are any of the other Cullens.

Bree still doesn’t get how Riley factors into that. Dude, maybe he was just OPENING UP? Maybe he was just getting something off his chest? Gah. Actually, she mostly wants to know how “Riley and the cheeseburger of pain” factor into it. It’s never good to make your audience burst into derisive laughter in the middle of what was supposed to be a very heart-breaking story.

Diego continues, saying he got a gun and hunted down the gang that did in his brother. He killed the dude who killed his brother, but the gang had cornered him in an alley when suddenly, Super Riley jumped down and got between them and the gang. Oh, that’s brilliant Riley. Yes, pick the dregs and people who won’t be missed—so you jump down in front of a lot of witnesses and watch as their bullets bounce off of you and then go all Drama Llama. Anyway. What did Diego think of Riley? “I remember thinking he was the whitest guy I'd ever seen.

I…I really don’t have anything to say there. I’m sorry. She just struck me completely dumb.

Riley then offered him a new life, and Bree then turns the subject to herself. I do mean that—she launches into another one of her asides, telling the audience all about how Riley was sooooo hot (all while degrading her previous humanity because it sucked) and that he had offered her something to eat. She thought he was offering her food in exchange for sex, and totally was gonna do it because she was starving.

Diego coaxes Bree into telling her story next—turns out she was a runaway. She was being beaten by her dad, and ran out of her home at age fifteen. Unfortunately, she had no license, so she couldn’t get a job and so couldn’t get a form of income or shelter and “was a bad thief”. At this point, I really don’t want to lessen this kind of thing—I know it happens—but apparently, Bree was so stupid she never thought about police, child protection services, social workers, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, or even friends. There is no mention that she ever even though about any of that, no mention that she tried and was unsuccessful or rejected. All Meyer needed to do was include a sentence of her bitterly talking about how nobody ever helped her, and not only would it have covered that base, but it also would have provided some characterization, and make her hatred of humanity a little more tolerable—she never got help when she needed it, she’s a bitter, angry teenaged-girl, so now she’s paying them all back. Instead, all it sounds like is that Meyer is yet again trying to write about something of which she has no knowledge. And it’s irritating.

Bree talks about how she doesn’t like to remember her human life, because it was just so terrible. I’ll give you half for that one, gehayi. She was presented as a human at one point, but quickly told us all about how she gladly forgot it. Well, then Diego and Bree start bashing humanity, and how their memories are all fuzzy because human eyes are horrible and vampire eyes are so much better. You know, just because your eyesight improves doesn’t mean your memory should go. That also begs the question of why these people forget all of their human memories but for some reason retain their opinions about Spider-Man. We all know it’s just Meyer making it easier to get rid of thinking about humanity so they will embrace Mormonism vampirism faster, though. *spits* Diego and Bree have a laugh, and then Diego talks about how nice Bree is and that everyone else is an idiot. Bree points out that maybe Riley doesn’t want brains, just numbers. Meyer then jumps her book covers.


Diego pursed his lips, considering. "Like chess. He's not making knights and bishops."

"We're just pawns," I realized.

We stared at each other for a long minute.

Hey, look. It’s the summary. And the Breaking Dawn cover. Bella is better, though—she got to be a queen instead of a pawn. Suckers.

Diego then says that he doesn’t “want to think that”. Oh, okay! So don’t! After all, that attitude will obviously get you far in life. *slaps Diego this time* DUMBASS. Bree holds our hands when she uses the “we” pronoun when talking about them and what they are going to do, showing that they are ~connected~ now, and says he is her first friend now. So, after barely any interaction together, most of it consisting of theft and murder and you being paranoid that he’s going to kill you, you’re friends. This relationship is moving right along! Diego says they will just have to pay closer attention to things, seeing as they have no idea what’s going on. They have no other options.

I’ve got an option for you two.

Leave.

Just leave. You have given me no reason thus far as to why everyone sticks with Riley. Raoul’s ability doesn’t work with you, you already know the ropes, you know other vampires exist out there, you hate everyone in the group—just leave.

Them not leaving gets even dumber, because Diego reveals that he once tried to ask what all of this was about, but Riley was clearly secretive and refused to say anything. These people are so stupid. Honestly! Bree starts talking about how she never thought about any of what they’ve discussed, and the best I can tell, she’s just never thought of anything EVER. And don’t tell me it was because of bloodlust, Bree—I don’t believe that for a second.

Well, that was the end of page thirty-five. I think I’ll stop now—it’s a good stopping point.

So! We’ve learned some new stuff—namely, that these people are IDIOTS as well as heartless killers with no regard for human life. There is obviously something suspicious going down, and as Diego is almost a year old, it’s been going on for a while, but nobody has questioned it until zero hour. We have also been given no reason as to why Bree is immune to Raoul’s ability. Diego I can understand—he has calmed down, he’s not as batshit with his hunger, his head is cleared. Bree does not get a pass. What—is it because she reads? I am so sick to death of you pulling that goddamn “she reads therefore she is smart” card, Meyer. SICK TO DEATH. To say nothing of the fact that once again, the entire story just ground down to a complete halt so they could discuss things. And it was completely out of nowhere—they just sat down, turned to the audience and started telling us about the plot.

So far, this story sucks. See you tomorrow.

Part I | Table of Contents | Part III
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