Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

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PICSPAM: 15 Reasons to See New Moon (And One Reason Not To)

Warnings: Spoilers for Twilight and New Moon. Some language and innuendo. Miles of manflesh. Whoops—spoiler for the spam.

If you will all recall, for this challenge last time I did a humorous “15 Reasons to See Twilight”. When this challenge came up for picspammy again, you can imagine my joy—I can now do one for New Moon!

I know some of you may think that there are so not fifteen reasons to see that one, but I assure you—there are. Enjoy!











Because it is. Everyone has either gloriously wonderful or hilariously stupid hair. As usual, every vampire is down with it in the hair department. Victoria’s red mop is still as invigorated and unreal as ever and I’m still jealous of it, Edward is still hurricane head, Alice and Jasper look great as their set, Laurent is still jammin’, then you throw in all of the Volturi leaders and Jacob’s hiddy wig? I had more fun looking at all the hairstyles than actually watching the movie! If anything, the hair might actually be BETTER in this one than the last one!

(Just out of curiosity, how many of you have seen what they decided to do to Jasper’s hair in Eclipse? If I do an entry for that one, oh, baby, he will be a reason all on his own. Oh, and if you don’t see him immediately, just keep looking. You’ll eventually figure out that one of those women isn’t a woman.)




Eric didn’t do much in Twilight except be exceedingly Gaysian and be Angela’s obligatory love interest (and a way for Bella to say the most stunningly ironic thing ever about strong and independent women). But five minutes into New Moon, we are suddenly very aware that Eric is now Awesome with a Capital A. He’s funny, he’s got real chemistry and a realistic relationship with Angela, he cries openly when watching Romeo & Juliet, he loves a movie called Face Punch, and the guy who plays him is still cute. Everybody wins — especially Eric.

As for Charlie — you thought he ruled in Twilight? Ain’t seen nothin’ yet. The moment he walks in the door, holding Bella’s birthday breakfast in bed, you know he’s not afraid to kick it up a notch. He is Awesome exponentially throughout this movie, starting out as the easy-going, good-natured cop we remember from the first, and then suddenly giving probably the best performance in the film, playing the dad trying to be a father to his estranged teenaged daughter so beautifully. When Bella flings herself into the darkest depths of despair when she doesn’t have Her Man anymore, you find yourself sympathizing so much with him as you watch him go through a gambit of emotions — barely contained panic when she gets lost in the woods, hopeless pain when she refuses to move on, trying his best to get her to see what is in front of her and let go of Edward when Jacob is obviously better for her, and a quiet, betrayed anger when she disappears right when he needs her most. I love Billy Burke’s Charlie Swan and his still-rocking ‘stache.

Third on the list — I know you may at first think that was Billy Black (all them Injuns look alike, I know), but it wasn’t. That was Harry Clearwater, and it was totally KICKING BIRD from Dances with Wolves! I was agitated when watching this, because I could not for the life of me figure out where I’d seen him. Once I figured it out, I was pleased more than I probably should have been — but who cares! It’s Kicking Bird! A great “Hey, it’s that guy!” moment in this movie and a pleasant distraction from what was going on at the time (Bella falling over and flailing because Edward left).

And, of course, we round out with Emmett Cullen. Surely you remember Emmett’s Awesome from Twilight. If you don’t, shame on you. Emmett is still an awesome fratboy who does it all for the lulz. He may not have nearly as much screen time here, but the two times we see him he is obviously still quite Awesome — and the best dressed. He works his clothes better than anyone present, makes jokes at Bella’s expense (which I am all for, especially here), tells her that her truck is crap, and strong-arms a ho Jasper when he wigs out at the birthday party (literally — remember, hair and all). Does it get any better than that?




Oh, and speak of the devil. It’s Jasper! And if you thought he resembled a certain silent Marx brother in the first film, he’s definitely moving closer to the final metamorphosis. Come on — even RiffTrax pointed out that he’s Harpo. An Evil Harpo, though. And if you need further evidence of his evilness, look at him smashing that priceless Steinway! Of course, it’s not priceless anymore. Jasper is weird, though. He’s fine when Bella’s bleeding out in Twilight, but goes insane when she cuts her finger on Esme’s razorwire-wrapped gift. Perhaps Jaspo’s just a crazy minimalist. *pause* You’re totally gonna start calling him Jaspo now, aren’t you?




Well, when Jaspo up there spazzes over Bella’s tiny cut, Edward must save her, naturally. His brilliant solution? To punch her in the stomach hard enough to smash her into a table lined with glass vases, which slices her arm (and probably her back) wide open and splatters her freesia-scented blood all over the place. Nice going, Edward. I know we would all love to slap Bella’s whiny face, but don’t you feel that is excessive? But really, that’s quite in keeping with his usual idea of keeping her safe in this movie — he puts Bella behind his back when they are facing down the Volturi. You know — puts her behind him to protect her when they are encircled by the Volturi. Guess he just didn’t want Felix or Demetri to be the ones to eat her.




So. So. Many. Pecs.

Bronze, waxen pecs.

Shiny, sweaty, oiled, flexing pecs.

What were we talking about?

Oh, right — the fact that the last one up there wasn’t legal at the time. Oops.




First time I read about Jane and Alec, the creepy vampire twins that respectively cause pain or numb the senses and the trump cards of the Volturi, greeting each other in the book, I immediately got some serious incest vibes. The movie agrees with me. Alec purrs at her, calls her his clever girl, and beckons her forward with this sexy “come hither” look. As for Felix and Demetri… you’ll never find one without the other, they walk in time, they both have the same, almost fey little smirk. In fact, they look and act and talk exactly like Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd from the James Bond film Diamonds are Forever. I am not joking. And out of curiosity, which would you rather have: the Cullens, full of vanilla, passionless, soul-mate het, or the Volturi, filled with hot, kinky incest and slash? I think we all know the answer to that question.




I know what it’s supposed to be — Alice’s for-sure-without-fail-since-her-powers-have-been-so-reliable-so-far vision of Bella the Vampire so they can get the Volturi off their backs. Except… what is that? What are they doing? Why are they dressed like that? Why does Bella look happy and Edward look boredly resigned? Why are they dressed like that? Did it have to be in slow-motion? Did I already ask why they were dressed like that? I have no clue what that is. So that’s a big reason why you need to see it — so you can tell me what the hell it is.




Oh God, I laughed when I saw his hair and his attic, but when I suddenly realized that he’d not changed his clothes since he’d left Forks back in September? Nothing can compare. I was howling. Then I sobered when I saw that symbolic little rip in his shirt. It’s over his heart. ‘Cause he’s got a hole in his chest, too. ‘Cause his heart’s gone. ‘Cause he doesn’t have Bella. Like she did when she didn’t have Edward. It has meaning, you see.

… *tries unsuccessfully to hold it in*

GODDAMMIT, I HATE THE HOLE IN THE CHEST.




IS. HE. EVER. I originally thought that this was a bit of casting that should’ve been switched — Caius was described as white-haired and the older member, while Aro was ethereally young. I figured Anthony Hope Jamie Campbell Bower and Lucien Michael Sheen needed to be switched. Oh no. Totally wrong. They are both fine right where they are, because Michael Sheen’s Aro is sex on legs. Sex on FABULOUS legs, that is. While he is hot as hell with the pimp suit and the best wig of the group and makes my knickers ripple when he speaks Italian, I’m sure the main reason he wants to acquire Edward is so he can give him a makeover and have someone else to watch The Notebook with (because Marcus and Caius are probably sick of it already). Aro flirts with everyone he comes in contact with, most of all Edward — his ability is even designed for it, as he gets to hold your hand while he uses it. It’s just a cherry on top that, when Edward is making a big scene in front of all three of the Volturi heads, that they are just sitting there completely ignoring him. They seriously don’t care that he’s throwing a tantrum, and it’s beautiful. It says a lot that I love Michael Sheen as Aro so hard — because I can’t stand Aro in the books. Michael Sheen rules — he can go from a sexy, manly werewolf to a sexy, fey vampire without breaking stride.




If you recall the scenes in Twilight where Carlisle climbs into bed with a young, sweaty, orgasmic human Edward or where Edward in turn humps James, you know that is a bold statement. But I assure you, it is true. You will be unsurprised to find most of it yet again revolves around Edward Cullen. Bella, I’d be worried if I were you. He flings himself at every available hunk of manflesh in this one. Jasper, Demetri, Felix, Aro, Jacob… the hunkier and manlier they are (and the more they man-handle him), the more he wants them. Especially Felix. First you hump James, then you jump on and straddle Felix. Edward, is there something you need to tell Bella? I’m sure she will love you anyway, because it’s your decision and you’ll still be you, after all. Of course, maybe Bella isn’t worried because she’s too busy cuddling and making out with Alice…




As mentioned earlier, Jane can pain you with her mind. As is usually the case with the book, canon Jane is… somewhat lacking. She is just a knock-off of James, for lack of a better description (and Book!James didn’t have much characterization to rip off in the first place). However, as is the case with Michael Sheen getting his hands on Aro and wrangling a character out of him, Dakota Fanning is just as good. She turns lifeless Jane into a stone-cold bitch with a sadistic streak a mile wide. And all in just five minutes of screen time! And she pains Edward in the face so hard. And smiles when she does it — just this sly, evil little smile. You just know that she was getting off on it, and after they were through for the day, she and Alec went and made monkey love. With pain.




Oh God. All the abs.

The rippling abs.

The rock-hard, well-built, (mostly) real six-pack abs.

*drools*

Oops. The last one was still underage. Ehehehe… back on subject.

(And for anyone wondering why Edward wasn’t included here, even though he got a shirtless scene? Just take a good look at #14 and #15. That’s why. Put your shirt back on, Edward.)




If you thought he wasn’t gonna get paid back for that whole incident involving Bella and his fist, you are either sadly or joyfully mistaken, depending on how you view him. I was filled with joy, personally. Watching Felix beat the crap out of Edward in such a delightfully homoerotic fashion was so deliciously titillating. As was when he forced Edward to his knees in front of Aro in such a way that made it look like Aro was going to, ahem, make him pay a little lip-service before Felix tore his head off. That right there? Best Scene Ever. That’ll teach you for destroying James and all of his Shirtlessness, won’t it? *misses James* In all seriousness, that scene was just great in terms of characterization for the Volturi — they effortlessly kicked his ass, and as stated before, everyone around this to-do was either looking either indulgent, mildly put out, or completely ignoring Edward’s spaz attack. Clearly, the thought going through every Volturi member’s head was, “Just what are you hoping to accomplish with this?”




Yeah. He is. In fact, he is more serious about it in this one.




Death By Sparkle? Oh no. This is Death By Striptease. I really… really can’t describe it in words and the stills do not truly do it justice.

SO HOW ABOUT A VIDEO?





Don’t tell me you didn’t lol. I won’t believe you. Either way, I’m loling right now. Hard. Again.

And as I said—where are his pecs? Did they forget to work those? RPattz’s abs, I’m telling you. Yeah, he’s got abs. BUT THAT’S IT. Who wants to see disembodied abs floating around on that little pasty white body?! *shudders*



Now, as before, despite all of the above, there is one, glaring reason as to why you should not see this movie. And I am very sad to say that it is even bigger than the one offered in Twilight.




Because it is. It’s still New Moon. It’s still the same (horrible) story, the same (horrible) characters, the same (HORRIBLE) messages. Bella still sits on her ass and whines for four months straight. (Which fly by her window while she mopes, I might add.) Bella still tries to get herself raped by crazy bikers. (Only somehow, they managed to make it WORSE in the movie.) Bella still jerks Jacob around like the twat she is, using him strictly to make herself feel better about her lousy ex-boyfriend ditching her. (Which sucks, because Jacob was actually a nice guy in this one.) Emily still made Sam hit her, baby, but it’s okay, he only does that when she makes him mad. (Sick in the book, sick in the movie. Just wait ‘til you get ALL the details on Emily’s face.) Bella still jumps off a cliff and claims it wasn’t suicide. (Don’t even go there with me, folks.) Alice is still a bratty, racist bitch towards the werewolves. (No, I am not a fan. I hate Alice.) The Volturi are still nothing more than a not-so-thinly-veiled insult towards Catholicism. (If you don’t believe me, look at this picture of the Volturi dome, then look at this picture. They’re Catholics. They aren’t fooling anyone.) Charlie is still completely dumped on. (Even after his wonderful performance!) Bella still whines her friggin’ head off that, even though they’ve finally agreed to change her after she threw tantrum after tantrum that she’s not getting immortal and beautiful, that they way they are doing it isn’t good enough. (She did. I swear.) The plot is still completely nonexistent. (Edward Cullen leaves Bella Swan for six months then shows back up again because doing what he thinks is best for Bella is too hard IS. NOT. A PLOT. Don’t you pretend it is.)

It’s still friggin’ New Moon. There may have been lulz, folks, but they are unfortunately trapped in that godawful story, and they just couldn’t save it. While Twilight may have all been for the lulz (and I may own the three-disc collector’s edition SHUT UP DON’T LOOK AT ME), this one just drowns in a bucket of fail.



Thanks for visiting, and I hope this was as entertaining as the previous one! Sorry I’m a little more acerbic here—Twilight made me laugh. This one just made me mad. (Until the Volturi showed up, anyway. Rawr.)
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