Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

…And Their Whiny Satellite.

(Almost totally on time, too! I rule.)

So. Last part. Part IV. Final thirty minutes of this damned movie.

On the one hand, I am hoping it’ll be the easiest to swallow, considering that I know for a fact this is filled to the brim with fabulous gay. From Felix manhandling Wardo to Aro being super, thanks for asking, I should be set.

On the other, I hear this is pretty much the main event for Bella Bitch, the main part where everybody TRULY decided they hate, hate, HATE her with all of their might. I also have a feeling I might have to demote Charlie to awesome, which will break my heart. We’ll have to see how I weigh the previous performance with what happens here—if he’s lucky, I may just chalk it up to Meyer character assassination and he can keep his Awesome and kind of be like prefursploded Jacob is.

*cracks knuckles* Here I go. One more time—one last time. We started New Moon on Monday. I’m so lighting my torch on this bitch after I’m done.

Duran Duran, save me from this dreck.



I shall not even bother commenting on Alice and Bella being able to book a flight that fast to Italy, nor shall I comment on the convenience of Bella’s miracle passport. I did already in my book recap—along with mentioning that I have no clue how Wardo managed, either. He was in an attic with rats. He’d been wandering the earth being filthy. Yet he happens to have a thousand dollars, his passport, I.D., and everything necessary, has to book from a very popular spring break location where the airports are going to be packed, has to fly further than Alice and Bella do to get to Italy, and yet still manages to beat them and talk a lot with the Catholics and prepare his suicide at high goon noon so they can be overly dramatic. I already mentioned all that, so I’m not going to say it again. You know—like I just did. *D’oh!*

I’m…also not gonna comment on the plane flying in the middle of the day, either. And I can officially say this now, too, btw—it doesn’t matter if you pull YOUR window, Alice. Unless you make EVERYBODY ELSE pull their windows, you’re gonna dazzle them. The sun was shining in my eyes from a window that WASN’T MINE for part of my trip up here to see Hyde. Idiot. Yes, I’m referring to Meyer.

And there’s Alice, stealing her Porsche (man, those cars are ugly) and being way too cool for things like laws—of physics, that is.

Here comes Emoward and his wrinkled shirt! He’s so upset he didn’t even button it all the way up and is clearly not wearing an undershirt. What would Esme think. *giggling* Look at his hair. I wish you guys could see this—wait, I think I might be able to arrange this one… *digs around*


There! See?

…see…that shirt.


HE HASN’T CHANGED CLOTHES SINCE SEPTEMBER?



*falls out laughing* HE’S BEEN WEARING THE SAME SHIRT FOR OVER SIX MONTHS. THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I’VE EVER SEEN. NOW MY BIRTHDAY HAS COME EARLY.

Oh, Aro—you’re looking fab today. Ah, and I see that everybody is taking up the mantle in this one to fill the horrible void that James left—Aro is taking over his head-tilt duties.

Marcus: *mopey voice*
Aro: *clearly thinking it* Put a sock in it.

I love that look he gave him. Marcus so deserves it, sitting around nursing his Goddamned Hole™ for thousands of years.

Hey, that was a glorious shot! Seeing Aro rip Wardo’s head off? I’m all for that.

Volterra is stunning. Seriously—the city is absolutely beautiful—I would love to visit. Why must such shitty movies have such beautiful scenery and sets?

It’s the Festival of Little Red Riding Hood!

And now she switched to slow-motion running! So that we can best enjoy her jiggling boobs, as they made KStew unbutton her shirt a little.
Director: There you go, for all the boys who were dragged into this by their girlfriends.

Why do they have to have the emo music all the time? The score is lovely, just as it was last time. I mean, if this weren’t New Moon? The music might actually have me tense. It’s very swelling, with good mood and tone, and is appropriately loud. But, you know—it’s New Moon. *yawn* Oh! Of course—I get it. They can’t have instrumental music SHOW us how we’re supposed to feel—they have to have some emo band write crappy lyrics to TELL us how we’re supposed to feel—right in the spirit of Stephenie “She looked sad” Meyer. Carry on!

Pfft. When she sees how far the clock tower is, I’m surprised she didn’t have a pull-away zoom—you know, where the distance becomes longer but she stays where she is? Who doesn’t love that clichéd camera technique, eh?

AND HERE IT COMES. DEATH. BY…!!!!

…omg.

Okay. There you go. That is the scene that brought me to a screeching halt today. I saw it, I watched it, and I stared. But not for the right reasons. The minute I saw this scene, a completely unrelated song popped into my head. It made me laugh just thinking about it, so I knew I would have to actually see it. So I paused, found the song on YouTube, cued it up to my movie, and watched it. And I promptly died laughing (and peed). And I knew I couldn’t just keep this to myself—things like this should not be kept hidden away within someone’s subconscious. They must be SHARED WITH THE WORLD. So I stopped the recap after only four minutes of my final thirty and made this.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…

Edward Cullen: DEATH BY STRIPTEASE


*FALLS OUT LAUGHING*

I had to stop. Seriously. I couldn’t go on anymore. I finally restarted it, yes, but I COULD NOT CONTINUE. I was literally crying with mirth. My stomach hurt I laughed so much and so hard. So…give me a moment to recover.


Where were we?

Oh, yeah. We’re running all slow-motion and Wardo’s doing that up there. *stifles giggles*

Hey! He’s sparkling! Where are my wind chimes?!

Those are the ugliest damned shoes he’s wearing. Whose idea was it to put him in those? And with the tolling of the clock tower, I half expect somebody involved to turn into a pumpkin. Maybe it will be Wardo. He’s displaying about as much expression as a gourd right now, I confess. Although if I had just been asked to seriously portray DEATH BY STRIPTEASE, I think I’d be pretty stone-faced (u c whut i did thar), too—because hilarity just isn’t appropriate for a suicide.

Anyway. Hilarity aside, there it was—the shirtless Wardo scene that all fangirls wanted. And I am terribly sorry, but Lautner, jail-bait and all, totally wins. Because they were so obsessed with giving you that highly unnatural six-pack, dear, that, um…you kind of forgot about your pecs.

Well, yay. They are reunited. She jumped right on him and he didn’t move because the set guys were stabilizing skinny-bastard RPattz by grabbing his butt. Okay, I made that part up—the butt-grabbing, anyway, not the stabilizing.

Wardo, now would be the time to bitchslap her—go ahead, knock her right back out into the courtyard. I’d forgive you this time, because for one, nobody’s watching right now, so it’s perfectly acceptable. For two, you just tried to kill yourself when you heard she was dead and she still doesn’t think you love her. I really despised that in the book, so if you want to smack some shiver-dog, I’d welcome it.

Bella: *stupidly* But you said you didn’t want me!
Wardo: I lied. And you believe me so easily.

I have a ten dollar bill right here on the table, and I say that there will either be two seconds of consideration for that statement or none at all before she is right back to said believing him so easily. Any takers? *waves it* Eh, who am I kidding. You all aren’t that stupid.

BTW—it was none at all.

I really hate Bella’s constant reiteration of how humans are “nothing”. That is me you are talking about. And my sister. And my parents. And my grandparents. And my aunts. And my uncles. And my cousins. And my friends. And their friends and all their relatives. And Mother Theresa. And Ghandi. And Martin Luther King, Jr. In fact, that’s over six-billion people you happen to be talking about! I don’t think they appreciate it, either. But what the hell—this is dialogue straight from Stephenie Meyer, who compared me to a cheesecake and my cat to tofu.

And then they make out. And the music set to it is very nice, but I can’t appreciate it because I’m watching Wardo and Bella make out and that is extremely tepid—OH HELL YEAH, HERE COME THE CATHOLICS.

*GASP* WARDO SAID, “YOU CAN GO TO HELL.” I AM SHOCKED, SHOCKED, I TELL YOU!

Seriously. I am. Meyer let them have her precious Mormon avatar who thinks “damn” is one of the filthiest words ever say that? Oh, great. Here comes Alice. That makes my day. *hates that bitch*

“Hi, I’m Jane, and I’ll be your PAINER for this evening.” I think things would’ve been vastly improved if she’d said that.

Oh, I love that. Who wants cheesy elevator music when you can have Italian opera playing instead? *golf clap*

And Jane opens the doors to the chambers of the Volturi and walks INTO—the Vatican. Seriously. She does. They have a domed ceiling and everything. All they’re missing is the Sistine Chapel and Saint Peter’s baldachin. You know, after having been raised Catholic and enduring all of Meyer’s not-so-subtle Catholic bashing and knowing that they included an action scene here to make up for the complete lack of climax in this one (I mean, worse than the others except BD), I can’t help but appreciate the idea of the Catholics delivering some Smackdown. So smack away.

And the movie agrees with me—Alec and Jane, the twin siblings, are SO HAVING INCESTUOUS SEX. I just know it. And they know it. That creepy, sexy way Alec says, “Clever girl,” to his sister, and beckons her forward—I love it.

And there went Aro.
Michael Sheen: Gimme some scenery, I feel like chewin’!

Gawd, I love Michael Sheen.

Geez, Bella, why did you look so jealous when Aro reached over and took Wardo’s hand? Worried? Because, I mean, they’re both gayer than Rock Hudson. (You know. Rock—marble Adonises…‘cause they are made of rock…I’ll stop now.)

I need to screencap that shot, because this is what it looks like: “Do you, Wardo the Psycho, take this sparklepire to be your lawfully wedded Dumblevamp?”

Yet again—Wardo, does it really do well to sass these all-powerful people? They have Jane the Pain, they have Alec the Numbinator, they have TWENTY-FIVE VAMPIRES IN THIS PLACE, and you just have you and Alice—neither of which have a particularly offensive power. There is a difference between bravery and stupidity. Of course, I’m not surprised you don’t know that—you constantly chalk up Bella’s stupidity as bravery.

I very much approve of Aro. I think I will continue to like movie!Aro. He doesn’t get awesome status, but Michael Sheen does, because guess what he’s doing? ACTING! Seriously, he is. It’s awesome. I love it. He shows Aro’s ability so well (and speaks Italian so well, it’s nice), getting all panty and excited and jittery when touching Wardo, being that close to Bella Bacon Bits and smelling/tasting her as well. He also seems to lose his focus/awareness of his surroundings, because he’s seeing so much information fly by. It’s great. So while Aro doesn’t get an awesome, Michael Sheen does. He now gets all the privileges that current Jacob does. Like frequent flyer miles—and because Emmett is generous, bear jerky. He doesn’t keep it to himself.

Aro smiles a lot. Just thought you might like to know. And I am happy they didn’t do that stupid cloudy-eye cataract thing that Meyer did with them, because that was stupid. The book Catholics, because they were not active, had milky eyes. Well, that wouldn’t make sense here, because Aro apparently tears people’s heads off for fun. He enjoys the active lifestyle.

I’d do you the honor! I would! I don’t even like Meyerpires, but for some reason, in that suit and that hair, you’re appealing. I’ll hold your hand! I like you!

She may be immune to your power, Aro, but I think Caius back there may prove that she’s not immune to his—because he’s a royal bitch, and is a making a bitchface. Nobody’s immune to that.

Dude, Marcus just showed an emotion. Hope that didn’t hurt.

Aro, RiffTrax explained that. You see nothing in Bella’s head because there is nothing. Don’t worry, you’re not defective. She’s just stupid.

Damn! Sheen, I demand you stop that. You are making me almost like Aro. I hate that guy, he’s annoying, he’s pointless, and he’s totally ineffectual, BUT YOU ARE MAKING HIM AWESOME. STOP IT!!! ACT MORE WOODEN AND BE LAMER SO I’LL HATE YOU.

Jane totally pained Wardo in the face. And it was beautiful. I wish Jane would do that more often. Constantly. A lot. To Wardo and Alice. Somebody else can pain Bella in the face with their fist, since she is immune to mental pain and all.

While I am on Jane, I may as well discuss her, as everybody else has. I approve heartily. She took the halfassed character that Meyer vomited onto paper and turned her into something genuinely threatening. She’s all business, completely emotionless and no-nonsense for almost the entire time we see her. Practically nothing makes her change her expression (which isn’t the flat one that Bella always has)—except when she decides to pain somebody. Only then does she change her expression—and it is this tiny, sly little smile that curls the corners of her mouth. It’s not a mustache-twirling bit of delight, it’s not over-the-top sadism—but it is so subtly creepy that the only thing that makes Jane emote is when she’s causing pain. She’s not just another serene, Hannibal Lecter-wannabe pretty much c&p'd from book!James (movie!James is another matter—he’s hot and Important and having a blast). She has her own, separate personality and is a completely different villain from the others. So I give her kudos.

You are correct, Caius. She is a liability. So summon your good friend from Fleet Street to take care of her. He likes to do that.

Wardo, this is not the time or the place for gay sex. I know you want Felix real bad, but—really. That was inappropriate. So stop straddling him. Or at least stop after I take pictures.

That was the most glorious thing I’ve ever seen. I think I may just make a clip of that, too, and put it on repeat. Who cares if there is too much slow-motion, eh? I JUST WATCHED WARDO GET THE SHIT BEATEN OUT OF HIM AND HEARD FELIX SNAPPING HIS NECK. I would do Felix now, too. He can have an awesome simply for doing that. Win, right there.

He’s speaking Italian again. *shivers delightedly*

No, I assure you, Bella, Aro knows a lot more about his soul than you do. Aro has seen his soul—Aro has seen every part of him (nekkid, too). He knows Wardo has no soul.

Aro was totally about to go snap Bella in two like a toothpick and like it. Okay, fine. You win, Michael Sheen. *sigh* Aro gets…an awesome. NOT AN AWESOME, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THAT. Because you didn’t actually do it. If you had, you would’ve Won. FOREVER. You even would have taken the Awesome Club presidency—Emmett has it right now. He wears the newspaper hat.

By the way, Meyer—it says a lot for your writing when movie makers can take your villains and make them million times more interesting, threatening, and entertaining than you ever managed—and it really says something when the movie makers take your villains and make them a million times more interesting, and entertaining THAN YOUR HEROES.

You guys remember this macro I made?


I now see the explanation. That’s Alice’s vision of Bella the vampire. That macro still applies.

Oh, man, he did it again. He keeps speaking Italian! That is so sexy.

No! They’re leaving, and he won’t speak Italian anymore! Come back, Aro!

Yeah, you don’t offer second chances, Caius—except that time in Eclipse where you do. Or…like that time right now where you just did. Doesn’t do well to threaten them with that to make sure they change her—but then let them leave with her not changed and give them a second chance. That really doesn’t jive with your “We don’t give second chances” thing. You know. Because you gave a second chance. See how that works? Or rather, how that doesn’t work?

Can someone pain Marcus in the face, too? Sense that relationship, you whiny pimple.

One nightmare about all those eaten tourists later, and that is all forgotten! Yay! And you know what? I don’t need to comment on that. Because somebody already did, and in a way that is infinitely better than anything I could ever manage.

Oh, when did we get to Forks? Even the movie can’t escape Meyer’s time jumps. *whiplash*

Well, back to business as usual. Wardo hasn’t been back into her life one day, but he’s already breaking, entering, and sniffing her panties.

Wardo: I swear I will never fail you again. Until I pimp you out to that one werewolf, anyway. That’s pretty fail.

Okay. Never mind. I didn’t have to demote Charlie. In fact, I had to upgrade him to Awesome. No, he didn’t express nearly as much rage as I’m sure everybody wanted.

But Billy Burke played what he did do so damn well to me I actually got dewy-eyed. You have to see it. I dunno, maybe it’s just that I’m sentimental, and that sort of reaction is the one that is the most powerful—that quiet, terribly hurt and agonized disappointed, as opposed to the ranting and raving that everyone wanted—but…yeah. That’s my statement on it. So…sorry, Emmett. Relinquish your paper hat. Give it to Charlie. Don’t worry, though—he’s on schedule to get douche-ified in the next one, so you’ll probably get it back soon. *pats* Aww—he’s so Awesome, too, though, he just tossed it right over. I love Emmett…why isn’t he back yet?!

Yeah, I know you don’t know how to live without Bella, Wardo—you sat in the same damned shirt for over six months! That is not living! I mean, you obviously need a woman to do your laundry!

*snort* They’re having a tender moment and reveling in their Twoo Wuv…and then Bella brings up the real situation of why she’s glad Wardo’s back. “Once you change me, you won’t be able to keep me away from you!” *sardonic laugh* And she’s instantly mad when he says he still doesn’t want to. Oh, you shallow, transparent bitch.

DUDE, THERE’S EMMETT AND HE IS IN THE “WORD” POSE AND LOOKING TOTALLY AMUSED AT BELLA ASKING TO BE CHANGED LIKE HE TOTALLY DOESN’T CARE I LOVE THAT MAN DO ME EMMETT.

Jasper: I vote yes. It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.

You know, that would be nice. But changing her really isn’t the solution to that, Jasper…because it isn’t her smell that causes that reaction in you. Or me. Or in the rest of the intelligent population of the world.

I don’t even care that Emmett voted yes, because he said “hell yeah” to it and picked her up because he could. Because he’s Awesome, you see.

Take your True Love and shove it. She never takes Wardo into consideration at all. He’s obviously in agony over this, but dammit, she wants her pony and you’re gonna give it to her. *spits*

Man, that was a disturbing way that Bella begged Wardo to change her HOLY CRAP WEREWOLF COCKROADBLOCK. And Jacob can totally pull it off, because even if Wardo tried to run him down, he would stop the car WITH HIS ABS. Eat it, Wardo.

Man, say that again, baby. “*snarly* You stay the hell out of my head.” Oh, I love that guy. Okay, you are hereby given a temporary Awesome.

Wow. They were so right. They did manage to take her jerking around of Jacob and make it worse at the end. Now I see it. Now I see what you all were talking about. Oh yeah. I see it now. You guys wanna see it? Oh, you bet you do. Big and bold and front and center.

“I love you, Jacob. But please don’t make me choose, because it will be him. It’s always been him.”

TO. HIS. FACE.

Followed by?

“You can’t hurt each other without hurting me!”

Have you ever seen anything so glorious? Have you? HAVE YOU REALLY? Oh, I do not think that you have. But there it is—right there. And you know what? I ain’t saying a word. I am moving on. Away from it. I shall concentrate on Jacob snarling at Wardo, “You don’t speak for her!” Ciao.

And the ending was totally everything I thought it would be, too. *snickering* That was the pause of the century—I think they might have “Touch of Satan” beat for that one. *hand-wave* Not commenting on the last line and Bella’s lack of expression, ‘cause I don’t care.

Know why?

BECAUSE I’M THROUGH. THE MOVIE’S OVER. I FINISHED IT, I WATCHED IT, I COMMENTED ON IT, AND IT PAINED ME IN THE FACE FOR MY EFFORTS.





Final Thoughts

There really ain’t gonna be much here, because that was a much more extensive recap than the last one. But let’s see, points I need to cover…

Special Effects

Man, they were ten times better. I was so relieved to see that, you have no idea. I mean, it really helped the viewing experience a lot. I’m glad they devoted time and effort to them this time. They’re still unrealistic and obvious, of course, but at least they are reasonable and suitable to the action being presented. Wardo being body-slammed was much less obviously wirework. That, and it was joyful. I jizzed my pants every time Felix rammed him into something, and nearly passed out from joygasm when he started cracking his neck and face like that and had him on his knees in front of Aro to pay the final lip-service like that one guy at the first—I totally digressed. Sorry. Slasher, and all.

Anyway—SFX were infinitely superior to the first. So that’s an improvement.

Acting

They got big names to play some important characters, and it showed—the two big villains, Aro and Jane, were marvelous. As you saw, I was forced to concede Aro/Michael Sheen an awesome, he was so great. I didn’t go much into Jane, since everyone has been everywhere, but let me just agree that Dakota Fanning played her with a wonderfully understated (well, as understated as this crap can get) creepiness that didn’t come off as mustache twirling (you know, like in canon). You can tell Lautner is very new at this, of course—only seventeen, and not really a lot on his resumé, but he is trying his ass off and I love the kid. Our two leads, RPattz and KStew, however…I still have so much trouble with. I mean, I see critics and the like talking about how they’re bad and how blaming it on the script is just a copout, blah blah blah—except these same critics also make it known that they haven’t read the source material.

So I wonder—when Bella sat there and did nothing when Paul and Jacob had their fight, did she do that because she is acting badly, or because the script actually called for it? I mean, as I said before, Ewan McGregor is not a bad actor—but he sure as hell was one in the Star Wars prequels. If you only had that performance to go by for his entire career, you would not think he was very good. In fact, you’d think he was awful and you’d never watch him because he sucks. So I really, really can’t judge their performances much, because they are very young, they are not all that experienced, and I actually have seen some good performances on their parts, so I am not going to really judge them much. Because the characters really are like that. They are not doing a bad portrayal—THEY ARE DOING AN ACCURATE PORTRAYAL. And therefore it sucks.

Translation

It was a little looser—and the lose parts were an improvement, like before. They added a lot of action scenes, changed things here and there. However, the most infuriating parts of the books were left in, and they decided that since they had the power to make them worse, they did. Hence the reason I got so freaking pissed off all the time.

Overall

So. Overall.

I HATE THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

I hate those people, I hate the story, I hate every word out of their stupid mouths.

I HATE THEM. I HATE THE PROTAGONIST, I HATE HER LITTLE FRIENDS, I HATE NEARLY EVERYBODY WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD GUY.

HATE.

I HATE.

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE.

*deletes with extreme prejudice*

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