Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

…I Hate the Cold Ones…

Part III of my New Moon review. After a FULL HOUR OF NOTHING, I saw a horribly aborted werewolf not-fight. In a movie that’s supposed to introduce and emphasize the werewolves of the Twilight series.

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

And I hate these people. But that’s nothing really new.



Oh boy. Starting off my Part III with a SYMBOLIC DREAM. Yeah. That’s really great for my headache. And it isn’t just any SYMBOLIC DREAM. This is Bella TOTALLY CHEATING and dreaming up the answer to Jacob telling her to remember the stories he told her on the beach. She didn’t figure him out—SANTA CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND MADE IT BETTER.


Bella: Edward, I’m scared!
Edward: *very, very sinisterly* You should be.

IS HE GOING TO KILL HER? PLEASE TELL ME HE’S GOING TO KILL HER.

And then she dreams in a fuzzy way that looks like she just had sex with…Sam. Well, yay?

Oh, look—it’s Charlie’s other hoyay partner! Billy! Haven’t seen him in a while. Hey, Billy! Sorry Kicking Bird’s been stealing your spotlight.

Lovely. Billy makes it clear he doesn’t want Bella to see Jacob, and she just BARGES IN, knowing he can’t stop her because he’s in a wheelchair and she can caper and prance past him and his crippled legs. This is just marvelous. MARVELOUS.

Aww, look at widdle Jacob. It is very, very wrong that he has a hot body and the face of a cute little boy, because I want to pinch his cheeks and enjoy his pecs at the same time. *still feeling dirty*

Uh-oh. Here comes the gang. And Bella’s all indignant at them. I have seen this scene. I watched it on the internet. Paul Paul’s out.

So, I approve of Bella giving Paul a good smack in the face for two reasons. One, she is, yet again, actually doing something, as opposed to canon where she sits and trembles like a helpless fawn while Jacob is the Big Strong Man. Two, it means there is hope that they will not include the bit from Eclipse where Bella punches Jacob after he assaults her and then he tells her that it was her fault she got hurt. Because, you know, if you struggle, it hurts more.

Man, Bella just kind of…didn’t do anything when Paul Paul’d out. He turned into a giant wolf and you just kind of sit there for a while, pondering the situation? You wanna, you know—do something? I’d even take passing out as a choice. That’s what I’d do.

I guess that clip wasn’t completed, or something. Because when I first saw this online, Jacob jumps over Bella, fursplodes, and his clothes just kind of…turn into confetti and gently float away. I laughed my head off. But it’s considerably more realistic this time. And he totally fursploded, btw. I find it cheating for your SFX department to just have them do that, though.

And then it ON LIKE SIMON LEBON. Jacob and Paul roll around in the dirt as giant wolves. And Bella still sits back there, doing nothing. Again—you wanna do something in this scene? Maybe even change your expression to something other than—what is that, amusement? I’d either still be passed out, or I’d be running away. I don’t really care if he’s my best friend and protecting me, he just fursploded into a bigass werewolf and that other one wants to kill me. I’d be LEAVING. If, you know, I wasn’t passed out. So…Joel? You mind?


*snorts* Bella just kind of lays there, Sam orders that they take her to Emily’s (Billy’s back there, though…it’s just fifty feet away…), and then the other two werewolf boys just kind of march up and look like they are about to take advantage of the situation. “Hey, she’s all glazed over and stupid—and on the right level!” *laughing* (Yes, being filthy is helping me get through this.)

ANOTHER. GODDAMNED. EMAIL. TO ALICE.


I don’t mind the yipping calls the wolf boys make to one another to signal arrivals when they are human. It’s okay. Better than those tattoos.

Off we go to Emily. I wonder if they greet her by slapping her and she apologizes for it.

Boy, Bella’s taking this well. You know—unrealistically well? Kind of like she did with Wardo, too. Because she’s an idiot.

“Yes, I am the Wolf Girl! I am engaged to one! See my face? That’s how he asked me! He thought it would be wise to show what our relationship would be like before we got married. He’s so upfront and honest—that’s why I love that man of mine.”

I’m glad SOMEBODY is making it a point to say that she’s with vampires. I mean, I never understood that—why are they so accepting of her in the werewolf clan? Why don’t they consider her the ENEMY? She is trying to do everything in her power to BE them, after all, and it’s established later that she pretty much just BLABS EVERYTHING TO THEM AS SHE FINDS IT OUT. She is a LIABILITY, so WHY ARE THEY FINE WITH HER?

No, kiddo, she isn’t freaked out by your speed and mind-reading. If she wasn’t freaked out by the fact that Wardo’s a mass-murderer, do you honestly think that sort of thing would get to her?

I like to think Bella looks sick at the sight of Sam kissing all over Emily’s scars that he gave her because that really IS quite disturbing. But I know it’s only because she’s whining about The Goddamned Hole™. Don’t know why, though. Wardo never really kissed her like that, either, considering Emily looks happy about it because she’s into abuse and masochism. Bella never really looked all that happy with Wardo. Is that love so True it transcends silly things like fun, though?

Ah, LOVED Paul’s grinning, “Sorry!” at Bella. Yet another person who doesn’t kiss her ass all the time and walk on egg shells around her. *pats Paul*

I said it in the recap, and I’ll say it here. You calling her a hypocrite, Jacob, stands very much with regards to her being all pissy at you for thinking you are killing people. Because Wardo and his ilk can kill all the people they want. Because that’s okay. That’s “reasonable”. And that PISSES. ME. OFF.

Bella: You can’t kill vampires!
Fantasy Jacob: Not everybody sits around worshipping their undead asses, Bella. And you can take that surprised look off your face at the fact that we killed one, because it’s insulting.

I love fantasies. They keep me going.

Oh, geez, Bella, Jacob just TOLD you they chased her yesterday AND have been chasing her a lot before, so they obviously have experience with her, and yet YOU, you who have not seen ONE BIT of her in action, have to give them sound advice on how to best handle Victoria, because you obviously know all about her, having only seen her once a full YEAR ago.

Speaking of that year, what, exactly, was Victoria doing the whole time Bella was whining and moping about The Goddamned Hole™? Whining and moping about her own Goddamned Hole™?

THANK YOU. VERY. MUCH.

Jacob: You know, your lack of confidence in us is a little insulting.

Although I most assuredly would not be smiling when I said it.

SHE’S NOT GETTING Y OUR GODDDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING SHITTY EMAILS!!!! OH MY GOD!!! WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP???!!!!!

Bella: *whining and flailing* I DON’T WANNA BE ALL BY MYSELF! GAWD, WHY DOES JACOB HAVE TO GO AND HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES?! WHY CAN’T HE ABANDON HIS PACKMATES AND ENTERTAIN ME?!

Pfft. Why did you even bring up Charlie as one of the missing people in your life? Since when have you ever given a shit about him? And why are you having your whinefest because Jacob is having the nerve to, you know, PROTECT YOU? We all know you’re the number one person on his list, and yet that’s not good enough? He should protect you while entertaining you?

That was actually pretty good and distracted me from Bella bringing up the fact that she’s about to jump off a cliff. The humans are out hunting werewolves, and Harry comes up and you see something bright red in a tree behind him—he turns around, and it’s gone. Hey, Victoria! They’re managing to milk some creepy out of the vampires—it’s very nice.

NOT CHARLIE’S OTHER HOYAY BUDDY! Yes, Harry’s having his heart attack—not sure I like this particular change, though, considering the original reason he had a heart attack added some more depth to Leah and her problems. Originally, her changing into a wolf was the reason. This time, it’s Victoria—she was about to kill Charlie, Harry aimed his gun to help him, and she zipped over and attacked him but while taking her time like any good mustache-twirling villain, Jacob came over and knocked her out of the way. But the stress of having a vampire about to eat you I guess caused him to MI right out of existence.

By the by, I would like to point something else out. Bella knows Victoria is in town. Knows she is in the woods. Knows that she is fast, knows that she is good at evasion (don’t know how, really), and has no confidence in the werewolves’ abilities to save her from said Victoria. And yet she goes traipsing off to the cliff, alone and unprotected. I also just realized that she never expresses any real concern for Charlie, out hunting werewolves in the same woods Victoria is eating lunch all the time. And this movie illustrated that he’s seriously risking his life out there, even though he may not know it, because she’s right behind him about to strike when Harry distracts her and takes the blow for him, in a way. I hate that bitch.

Bella: You wanted me to be human—watch me. Yes, watch me be a DEAD human as I fling myself off of this cliff in the middle of a storm!

Don’t care if it’s so soon after the other one. I hate that bitch.

You do not fall straight down in a cliff-dive in high wind, movie-makers. Also, judging by the target she was going for and the way she jumped? I think she should have broken her legs either on impact or on the rocks she would’ve been hitting—seeing as she jumped in the shallows.

It ain’t a good relationship when you think the only way your boyfriend—imaginary or not—will stay with you is if you are in danger of dying.

Bella hit her head on a rock trying to get away from Victoria. So that’s how she passes out. And here comes Imaginary Wardo, to his emo rock music, all statuesque and stuff. I think I wore myself out recapping this in the book, really. Because watching it on screen? I’m just tired. She tried to kill herself because her boyfriend of about five months left her. Fine. They want to go that route? They can go that route. I don’t care anymore.

Bella: *upon waking up after being resuscitated on the beach* You’re not Wardo!

It’s clearly written on her expression. I am not kidding. I hate that bitch.

And, as usual, she clearly doesn’t care that Harry Clearwater, one of her dad’s very best friends, is dead. At least in the first one, she expressed some pity and sympathy towards him. Nope, she doesn’t care now—all she cares about is the fact that him dying totally harshed her buzz about seeing Imaginary Wardo. That, and Alice is about to show up and it will become total “Harry who?”

These people whipsaw back and forth between emotions because of this stupid script and story. Harry Clearwater just died, Jacob obviously felt horrible about that, but now he’s back to smiles and putting the moves on Bella. It’d piss me off more if I didn’t know that was just canon leaking in.

Man, Jacob, don’t even try explaining the Sam/Emily thing, okay? Even if it weren’t the Imprinting this involved in that, I’d tell you not to. Bella cannot comprehend somebody else’s feelings. It’s impossible. All she comprehends are her own. She didn’t care that Wardo doesn’t want to damn her immortal soul, doesn’t care how much the thought of hurting and damning her agonizes him (ostensibly, anyway), so she won’t care how much the thought of hurting her agonizes you. She just doesn’t ever think about that.

Dammit, I was hoping to quit before Alice showed back up, but I still got six minutes. *harrumphs* I’m gonna have to deal with her before ending tonight. I hate that bitch, too.

This could have been a nice bonding scene. Jacob expressing some insecurities about the werewolf part, feeling like the animal inside is consuming him that he’s going to “disappear” as he puts it, and Bella trying to reassure him. Except I hate it for two reasons, both involving what I know about canon. One, all insecurities about werewolfery pretty much vanish completely by the end of this book/movie, and, two, Bella is only thinking of herself the whole time—she’s reassuring him he won’t disappear mostly because she would hate to lose her favorite fish. She’s got him on the hook, you see, and likes to torture them before gutting them.

Bella, how is telling Jacob he is a special snowflake going to help him keep himself from disappearing into the wolf?

Geez, that was even worse than in the book.

Jacob: I can’t protect you here, this could be a trap!
Bella: Whatever. Go away, you aren’t needed now.

Yeah. That, after telling him thank you for all he does, and telling him she’d be there for him. That’s just grand. Really. I’m all warm and fuzzy now and getting tingly. I’d punch the truck too.

I may hate Alice, but I agree with her there. “I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy!” You get your one point. And I shall take it away immediately, because I know you’re gonna launch into your racist spiel about how werewolves are bad.

And she did it pretty much immediately, too! Lovely. First talks about how they stink, and immediately tells her that werewolves “are not good company to keep”. Thank you for coming back in, Jacob, with a marvelous line. “Speak for yourself.” Because, Alice, if you will recall…YOUR BOYFRIEND TRIED TO BREAK BELLA AND HALF AND EAT HER NOT SIX MONTHS AGO.

Go Jacob. Bella all snidely tries to demean him by bringing up the fact that he said he couldn’t protect her while Alice was around, but he, right in front of Alice, says he doesn’t care. Which, you know, I don’t care about the motives—he’s trying to do what’s right and do his JOB, which is protecting a human from a vampire (Victoria). That is AWESOME.

Alice: *snotty* Well, I’m not gonna hurt her. *looks pointedly at Jacob*

Sands? I permit you.

Sands: *suspicious* This isn’t just a trick, is it? I don’t like jokes.

Mervin: No. It’s not a joke. Do it. I demand it, because I don’t have one.

Sands: *thoughtful pause* All right, then.

*stands up, shucks his pants, and grabs his dick* SUCK IT, WHORE.

Mervin: Thank you. Come get your care package.

Sands: Care package?

Mervin: Finest tequila I could manage—gold, of course—chilled limes, salt, hot pibil and rice, and some pumpkin cheesecake. ‘Tis the season, and all.

Sands: …I hope Alice shows up a lot. *gathers his basket and skips off*

I liked the way he sarcastically called her just a “sweet, harmless Cullen”. It’s like the dude knows about the fact that they are anything but.

Naturally, Alice immediately starts calling Jacob derogatory and racist terms when she realizes he can’t see the future when their involved. Because, naturally, it’s all their fault. They do it on purpose, you see. Filthy dogs like them do that.

Bella: It’s perfectly fine for Alice to waltz into my house and call you “mutt”, Jacob, but don’t you dare threaten her! She is white and therefore perfect! Back off!

As usual, seeing it is so much worse than reading it. Having to watch Bella only get up to protest a fight after Jacob expresses VERY JUSTIFIED ANGER at Alice is absolutely infuriating. To say nothing of the fact that she’s not really speaking to Alice much at all—what she says is perfectly okay, after all!

Dear GOD, I hate Alice. I HATE ALICE. I FUCKING HATE ALICE!!!! WHY DO YOU LOLFANS LIKE HER???!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!












(For those wondering, the exchange was:

Bella: You’re not leaving, are you? You’re coming back?
Alice: *smugly* As soon as you put the dog out.
Bella: *no reaction at all*)

Look, Bella, STOP BEING SUCH A SNOT. He may be wanting to know if Wardo is coming back, but he is also obviously asking this BECAUSE IT IS TREATY BUSINESS. He is NOT JUST DOING THIS TO BE A JERK, OKAY? (Not at this point, anyway.) So STOP being all, “She can stay as long as she likes!” with that STUPID bratty attitude of yours, because THIS IS SERIOUS! For ONCE, will you PLEASE understand this involves MORE THAN JUST YOU?!

(I know she can’t, okay? I know she’s incapable. But it hurts way too much to hold it in.)

I will ask this in all-caps now, just to make my point. I think bolded and red large-font will help as well. Maybe be good to get some out of my system, you know?

WHY IS IT OKAY FOR ALICE AND THE REST OF THE CULLENS TO HATE ON THE WEREWOLVES, BUT WHEN THE WEREWOLVES DISPLAY THE SLIGHTEST AND JUSTIFIED ANIMOSITY TOWARDS VAMPIRES, YOU GET PISSY?

Stop feeling bad, Jacob. Don’t even do that. She’s being a fucking bitch right now, and you have every right to be angry with her, so don’t talk about how you’re “breaking a promise”, because she made a promise to you and broke it TEN SECONDS AFTER SHE MADE IT.

OH DUDE WARDO WAS IN AN ATTIC WITH RATS AND HE IS A MESS. CHRISTMAS JUST CAME EARLY. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST DAMNED THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

Oh, the only thing that could’ve made that better was if the video quality was improved—now I can’t WAIT to get a better copy, because I’ll be able to see it in better detail. *laughing her head off* I had to rewind!

SERIOUS improvement, there. In the book, Wardo flippantly and CONTRIVEDLY throws his phone in a trashcan before going off to commit suicide by sparkle. He crushes it here instead, just kind of reflexively in response to thinking that Bella is dead. That reason for them being unable to contact him is so much better than the former.

Why, yes, Jacob, they are always in the way, aren’t they? You’re trying to get it on in a much more romantic way than Wardo ever did with her, and Wardo shows up. I’m trying to enjoy the preferable side characters, and then some more vampires show up. I’m enjoying time with you, enjoying the werewolves much more than the vampires, and then Alice shows up. They are ALWAYS in the way.

Dude. Now this is so much worse. Charlie doesn’t come back from the funeral and find Bella gone—he comes back from just watching Harry die to find Bella gone. He comes home needing serious comfort to find his daughter MISSING. Oh, I am so pissed off right now.

Great. Here it comes now. “I can’t let him kill himself out of guilt!” *facepalm* Do we have to go through all that denial here, too? It was painful enough in the book!

…and now I got even more pissed off.

Jacob: What about your Dad?!
Bella: I’m eighteen! I’m old enough to go and I left a note.

…I am so pissed off right now. You have no idea. Jacob did not say that because Charlie would not permit you.

And thus with one line, Bella tells Jacob to his face that neither he nor her own father matter at all. Only Wardo. No, she won’t stay for you or Charlie. You two don’t matter in the slightest. You’re worthless. You are pointless. You do not even enter onto her radar. Did you really believe all that bullshit she told you earlier, Jacob, about how you’re her best friend, and how she totally wasn’t using you just to help rebuild motorcycles? Don’t you realize why she was doing that? No, none of that matters. You don’t matter.

AND NEITHER DOES THIS, BECAUSE I’M AT 1:33:20 AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO TURN THIS DAMNED MOVIE OFF.



( Part IV )
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