Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

…Sparkle-Dance Through the Night…

Okay. So, the first thirty minutes of New Moon were utterly painful. Mostly because I was sitting there going, “Dude—it took three chapters for Wardo to do the splits. WHY IS THIS 25% OF THE MOVIE. IT WAS BARELY 15% OF THE BOOK.” So I was irritated. And I am still irritated, because I hate everybody involved (except Emmett, Charlie, and Jacob—who is on notice).

But there is nothing for it. We must soldier on. Or rather, I must. You guys don’t have to. You big jerks.



Well, at least I had a good start with this one—Charlie is being Awesome. I was discussing with shaolina that the story really needed to be about him as a cop/vampire hunter or something, teamed up with Eric and pre-fursplosion Jacob with Emmett as a vampire who conspires against his own as their trump card. Maybe throw in Leah and Rosalie, but they’d need serious character overhauls to make them not Scary Sues. Charlie just rules—the guy playing him knows how to take an abused, neglected, dumbed-down character and make him somebody who is struggling as a father, since he hasn’t really had to be one in so long, but he is obviously trying and truly loves his daughter. His struggles with his bitchy little Renfield-wannabe would be infinitely more entertaining to read/watch.

Lemme guess—I’m supposed to think Jessica is a dumb, shallow blonde from her little speech, right? I’m supposed to be sympathizing with Bella having to endure Jessica’s bimbo presence. I’m sure you can tell that it’s the exact opposite. I adore her zombie-movie speech. Because, while she may insert the word “like” into her single scene about thirty times? Her analysis is hilarious and pretty much spot on and tells me that she can critically analyze things ten times better than Bella, our alleged Smart Girl. Jessica may be somewhat ditzy, but just talking zombie movies, she’s already smarter than Bella. And I TOTALLY understand where she’s coming from when she starts making snide remarks about Bella calling her out of the blue, because she basically says this: “Okay, you called me up to have a girls’ night. Except you made me go to a movie I didn’t want to watch, moped the entire time, didn’t really let me shop even though I went to that damned movie with you, and are pretty much not really doing anything with me at all. WHY DID YOU CALL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?” Again, as usual—the movie enhances the side characters to truly wonderful, charming people that I can relate to and that I would want to meet and talk with. Yo, Jessica—come hang with the cool people. Emmett brought bear jerky and Eric just completed his scale replica of the Millennium Falcon! Although we don’t have beer—Charlie won’t let you guys drink underage.

Uh-oh. She’s eyeing the cat-calling bikers with that dead, mopey gaze.

GAH. Man, that would freak me out, too, if the disembodied torso of my ex-boyfriend showed up to condescend me! Thank you, Jessica, for stepping in the middle of that and dissipating it—you may now have your capital A.

Yeah. They appear to be making the scene that drove me to a complete capslocking rage of violence and fury and making it worse. Again. In the book, the guys were just some punks. These people have pretty clear intentions. And she ain’t stopping. But you know what? I’m just going to sit through this and not comment. Because I have said it all before. Oh, I see. You want me to comment on this bit of disgusting. Fine. I will pull a Meyer. I will cut-and-paste. THIS is what I have to say about that—the exact same thing I had to say about it when I read it.



*begins punching Bella repeatedly in the face* YOU DID WHAT, BITCH???!!!! YOU DID WHAT???!!!! *tears chunks of Bella’s hair out before grabbing a handful and throwing her into a wall* YOU DECIDED TO PULL THIS FUCKING STUNT IN THE HOPES THAT YOUR TWU WUB WOULD COME RIDING IN ON A WHITE HORSE AND RESCUE YOU FROM THE EVIL RAPISTS, HUH???!!!! *starts punching her kidneys* YOU THINK IT’S PERFECTLY REASONABLE TO GO OUT AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE POTENTIALLY RAPED AND MURDERED, BECAUSE EVEN IF YOUR PRECIOUS WHITE KNIGHT DOESN’T COME RIDING TO YOUR RESCUE, LIFE DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY????!!!!! *throws her on the floor and starts stomping her hands* DID YOU THINK THIS WAS ROMANTIC???!!!! DID YOU THINK THIS WAS GOOD???!!!! *rolls Bella over and starts choking a bitch* YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING FOR THE “DAMSEL IN DISTRESS” ANGLE, YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT???!!!! IS THAT IT???!!!! WELL, HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, FUCK-FACE, BUT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS DOES NOT WALK WILLINGLY AND HOPEFULLY INTO A BAD SITUATION!!!!!! *starts smashing some kneecaps* A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS DOES INDEED HOPE HER HERO WILL COME RESCUE HER, BUT SHE DOESN’T GET INTO BAD SITUATIONS ON PURPOSE BECAUSE SHE HOPES HER MAN WILL RESCUE HER!!!!! *grabs Bella’s tits and twists and tears until they bleed* FEMALE EMPOWERMENT!!!! EVER HEARD OF IT????!!!!! IT’S WHAT I’M DOIN’ RIGHT NOW, WANKSTAIN!!!!! I AIN’T PUTTING UP WITH YOUR PISS-ALL “DAMSEL IN DISTRESS” BULLSHIT!!!! THIS IS WHAT WOMEN CAN DO WHEN PROVOKED!!!!! *more face-punching* YOU ARE A DISGRACE!!!! YOU ARE A SHITSTAIN ON THE UNDERWEAR OF THE WORLD!!!! YOU HEAR ME, YOU PIECE OF ROTTING FECAL MATTER???!!!! *grinds Bella’s face in the dirt* EAT IT, YOU WHORE!!!!! EAT IT!!!! EAT WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!!!! YOU USELESS COCKWART!!!!! *pulls out the knife for the coup de grace* HOW THE FUCKING HELL WAS EDWARD SUPPOSED TO EVEN KNOW YOU WERE TRYING TO FUCK YOURSELF UP LIKE THAT???!!!! HE’S IN FUCKING ALASKA FOR ALL YOU KNOW!!!!!! HE COULD BE IN SIBERIA!!!!!! WHAT, DO YOU THINK HE’S GOING TO MAGICALLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING????!!!!! *starts stabbing randomly* AND THEN, OF COURSE, YOU ONLY STOP TRYING TO GET YOURSELF RAPED AND MURDERED ONCE EDWARD, OR WHATEVER MANIFESTATION OF EDWARD’S VOICE YOU IMAGINED, TOLD YOU TO!!!!! *stabs Bella’s eyes out* YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF FLESH!!!!!! *starts ripping out guts* GO BURN IN HELL, WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!!! *does not stop until Bella’s eviscerated and torn-apart body is burning just like James’s did in the movie*



That’s all I have to say. And that is all I will ever have to say. Oh, and Imaginary Wardo? *pops up her middle finger* Right here.

Oh, she knows he could’ve been a psycho, Jessica. Don’t you remember who she dated for about four or five months? She loves psychos. You know pin-up posters like this one?


This is one Bella has on her wall.


She loves to imagine herself married to him.

(Click here just in case you don’t know who that is.)

In all seriousness, though, yes—you can still keep your capital A, because you are being Awesome by talking sense. But you really shouldn’t bother—she doesn’t care about it. If you REALLY wanted to get on my good side, though, you’d call Charlie and tell him that Bella endangered both her own life and yours.

Yet again—was I supposed to, you know…somehow be mad at Jessica for being angry about this? Because I’m not. I’m terribly sorry I don’t sympathize much with somebody who thinks jumping on the back of a motorcycle belonging to a guy in his thirties or forties who offers her beer while she’s underage and is quite obviously wanting to have sex with her, but, hey—maybe I’m just a little sheltered.

“I will see him again even if I kill myself!” Charming. Stop emailing Alice, because I hate her.

“Since when are you into motorcycles?”
“Since I knew I could exploit you and get you to fix them so I can chase visions of my ex-boyfriend.”

I find making Jacob rebuild a motorcycle so she can see her ex-boyfriend to be about the same type of thing as making a guy dig his own grave. Not the same level of evil, granted—but the same spirit. At least Jacob appeared to be rather dubious about it at first.

I wish they wouldn’t put in age jokes. I seriously wish they wouldn’t. Because what could be light-hearted and funny bonding turns into, “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I’M ANCIENT AT AGE EIGHTEEN WHY CAN’T I BE AN IMMORTAL VAMPIRE AND FOREVER LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY ETERNAL LIFE AS A HIGHSCHOOLER!!!!!” when Bella Swan is involved.

Can Jacob please stay how he is right now? And not change? Although he is allowed to ditch the wig.

It’s paining me to see this. He’s very accommodating, putting up with her whining, letting her sit there and do NOTHING while HE fixes up HER Deathcycle, and she won’t even let him do it COMFORTABLY with a little music playing… *presses hand to her forehead* I hate that bitch.

*snort* That line makes me laugh. Remember that stupid conversation she and Jacob have about who is the older one going by mental age and experience alone, rather than physical age, that was mostly just a way for Meyer to beat us over the head with how MATURE Bella is?

Bella: *joking about mental age* I’m thirty-five.

You know—the same age Meyer was when she wrote the book. Bella isn’t a self-insert, by the way.

Hmm—maybe now I can forgive the dream catcher. Jacob seems to be just joking around with his Quileute heritage, and being all over-the-top with stereotypes. Which I don’t mind—it is kind of funny, and I do that sort of thing all the time (I’ve got Cherokee in me, but I demand that you do not be PC and call me a ‘Native American’—I AM A WAGON-BURNING GUT EATER! Actually, with my combined Irish and German blood, my dad has labeled us Drunken Nazis on the Warpath).

“Quil’s actually taking his cousin to prom.” Yeah, but not for long—he’ll soon be taking his toddler bride to prom! …I’m gonna go bathe now. It pisses me off how this otherwise charming and harmless bit of banter between these three boys is very, VERY tainted with later knowledge.

You know, instead of just sitting there watching him build your ticket to Wardo, maybe you could, I dunno, try to learn something. I mean, if you’re going to sit and watch him rebuild a motorcycle, I’d be paying close attention and trying to learn how to do some of this stuff myself. But that’s just me. And I do like Jacob.

Also, there is foreshadowing of his soon-to-be-werewolfery. And it’s SUBTLE, as I’m sure you can guess. The one that made me literally “pfft” out loud was Bella chucking a wrench at the back of his head and he snags it out of thin air without even turning around. Trying to kill him, Bella? Yeah, all nice for showing that he’s ZOMG NOT HUMAN, but…really, really stupid.

Have I mentioned that watching her just sit back there and watching him build these things pisses me off? Because it does. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again—conniving bitch.

YOU BROUGHT UP THE GODDAMNED HOLE™ AGAIN!!!!!!


STOP NARRATING THOSE FUCKING EMAILS TO ALICE!!! THEY ARE NOT GETTING THROUGH!!! STOP IT!!!!!

Thank you, Jacob, you speak for us all. “What is with you and age?” I agree. WHAT IS WITH YOU AND AGE? YOU ARE NOT A “COUGAR” AT AGE EIGHTEEN.

I know I asked this a lot in the recap, but I gotta ask it here—what the FUCK is so scream-worthy of that GODDAMNED DREAM?

*does a few fist-pumps for Charlie* “Sometimes, you should love what is good for you.” I don’t even care that he’s playing matchmaker with his own daughter. THANK YOU. He says hanging out with Jacob is doing her good, and says that she needs to MOVE ON, because he is obviously GOOD. FOR. HER.

I think it killed me to hear him almost hopelessly tell his daughter that he loved her. Especially given the fact that there was no response from her end. Charlie was so unbearably flat and lifeless in the book, I had some concern for him, but not much—it quickly evaporated after the first book. In the movie… he plays him so well, and plays him so real… I am infinitely more interested in him than in anybody else I’ve seen thus far. He’s a REAL PERSON. He’s got conflict, he’s got personality, he’s got a sense of humor… Oh, DAMMIT, I’M BACK TO BELLA.

Oh, great. Back to Bella, and back to Bella LYING. No, you would NOT have told Jacob you’d find something else to do if he’d been unable to fix the bikes! BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY REASON YOU WENT TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! LYING LIAR WHO LIES!!!

That was a believable reason for Bella to panic when she sees the guys cliff-diving. I mean, I know about cliff-diving—somebody doing a graceful swan off of a cliff? No, they aren’t committing suicide (like you were, Bella). What happens in the movie? Sam and his buds throw a struggling and apparently displeased and unwilling Embry (newly-recruited) off the cliff. Much better way to make them look like a freaky gang.

Bella: Yeah, I know you’re worried about the Sam thing and all, but, um, cliff-diving looks fun, don’t you think? *faps away to Imaginary Wardo*

I hate that bitch.

Yes. Imaginary Wardo is clearly so good for Bella. He just can’t stand not being able to abuse her somehow. And hey! He doesn’t even have to take any blame for this one—she’s asking for it this time! Honestly—if Imaginary Wardo was her subconscious telling her to be safe, why is he the main cause for all of these accidents and injuries and stupid behavior, distracting her when she needs to be paying attention? THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

DAMN, Jacob looks fine on that motorcycle. Just thought I’d throw that out there. *still feels dirty*

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?!” Yes. She is. Because she wants to see Wardo again. You are not here right now, Jacob, so stop trying to talk sense and just go have some of the jerky that Emmett brought. Remember the bear jerky? It roars back when you bite it.



…………………………

……………………………………………………….

Okay. I know that line was to show how used to vampires she was, and how she just automatically says stuff to suit their lifestyles. But that was not cool. I mean, that was probably the most UNCOOL THING I have ever heard. Bella hits her head on a rock, starts bleeding profusely…and apologizes. Apologizes for bleeding. Apologizes for getting hurt. Just like when she apologized for getting hurt after Wardo PUNCHED. HER. IN. THE. STOMACH. Yeah, I braved the first and went back to see if she did then—yep, she did. No wonder she and Emily get along so well. THAT IS NOT COOL.

*stares*

*BURSTS OUT LAUGHING*

Bella: *bleeding and pitiful because blood makes her think of Wardo, woe*
Jacob: It’s just blood, Bella. No big deal. Now—let’s take off all our clothes! Hurry!

And he totally did. He just stood up and ripped his shirt off and flexed his abs, and they TOTALLY call him Double-A—ALL ABS. I am laughing now. How nice they follow the Most Uncool Thing Ever with the Most Hilarious Thing Ever.

Jacob: What are you staring at?

Gee, I don’t know, Jacob—maybe your enormous pecs?

Bella: You’re sort of beautiful.

*flatly* So now you have value. Aren’t you happy, Jacob?

Uh-oh! Look! The NORMAL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE in Forks High are talking about giant bears. It doesn’t say much for the story when the side characters are the ones who get the plot moving, you know. Seriously—the main characters have moved the plot forward much less than the side characters have. That’s because, out of the three main players, one is MIA, one is laying around doing nothing, and the other is taking his clothes off.

I had to pause for a second and steel myself for this. Bella is making her GRAND ENTRANCE back into the group of People I Am More Interested In, and I can already tell I am going to HATE it. Because I know for a fact she isn’t going to tentatively come over and ask if she can join or even apologize for ignoring them and any efforts they made to be nice to her after her bad breakup that she made as public as possible. No, this is her sweeping in and expecting to be accepted right back into their group—even while Jessica is there, who has every right to be pissed at her for pulling that little stunt after the movie. I just KNOW that they are going to try and paint her as a bitchy Scary Sue, and I will not buy it IN. THE. SLIGHTEST.

Eric is still being Awesome, just so you know, and so is Jessica. *more fist-pump* If only Emmett were here.

Okay. Still going on about how Awesome Eric is. I love this guy. I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS GUY. I am glad they replaced that stupid Ben with Eric—Ben sucks, and I know this from Midnight Sun. Eric does not suck, because he is Awesome. I’m going to focus on Eric.

Mike: Want to go see a movie?
Bella: I don’t know, I’ve already got one boy on the hook…oh, what the hell, might as well have two!

I hate that bitch.

So, instead of Crosshairs, we get Face Punch as the action movie they go see with Jacob. That sounds like my kind of movie. I’m already looking for Shaolin Soccer. Now I have another movie on my list of Movies I Must Have Or Someone Will Die.

And, just like Emmett with Hyde, Eric senses my rapidly deteriorating mood and saves the day by talking about the movie just like I would! Eric and I are clearly destined.

You should have listened to Jessica. Movie Nights with Bella always turn out to be the worst disasters ever. And I can see that they have, because guess what? Jacob has reached his Awesome Threshold. His fursplosion is imminent. And when you fursplode, you become an abusive douche with occasional bouts of pedophilia. *sigh* I’m sorry, but I must strike you from the Awesome list, Jacob. But it is with a heavy heart. And you will only be demoted to awesome at first, and while you don’t get anymore of the really GOOD perks of the club, you still have your benefits, you know.

WILHELM SCREAM!!! *loves on general principle* See? I must have Face Punch. Why, NO, I don’t see that stupid move from both of the boys, setting their hands like that in the hopes that Bella will get their message! What are you talking about? They aren’t doing that. I don’t see it, and I will NEVER SEE IT. *suddenly aggressive* DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU WILL NOT TAKE AWAY MY JOY AT HEARING THE INCREDIBLY LAME DIALOGUE OF FACE PUNCH.

NO, that is the WRONG RESPONSE, you CHIT. The answer to, “I can’t hold your hand?” is NO. Because you DON’T. FEEL. THAT WAY. So TELL. HIM. NO. If MIKE can’t hold your hand, NEITHER. CAN. HE.

Yeah, Jacob, don’t do that. PLEASE don’t do that, because you’re hurting me while you do it. Stop trying to ask her out, because she has put herself in cold storage and will nevah luff agayne but she likes to lead you on because it makes her feel better knowing that she can manipulate your life to such extremes and knowing that she holds your feelings and emotional well-being in the palm of her hand. I get pissy.

That line made no sense. “You’re about to ruin everything and I need you.” What? Man, you don’t even need context, because it doesn’t make sense with it, either. So I shall now ignore it. Can we check on Mike in the bathroom?

Jacob: I’ve got loads of time. I’m not gonna give up.
Bella: I don’t want you to.

Well. It’s nice that she’s so up front about stringing him along with no intentions of carrying through. That’s…refreshing.

Yep! That is selfish, to blatantly tell him to not stop hoping that you’ll date him even though you have no intentions of doing so! But you admitted it, so SIN THINE ASS OFF!!!


Bella: I’m not like a car that you can fix up.

Yeah, I know—because the car doesn’t ACTIVELY RESIST REPAIR.

And yet again. What could be something actually nice, Jacob promising not to hurt her like that filthy ex-boyfriend of hers—after seeing what he did to her, and actually kind of having hints that Jacob knows he abused her in some fashion (because he totally DID)—is completely ruined by the fact that I know he date-rapes her in the next book. It’s also very ruined by the fact that he’s actively trying to make Bella feel better but, because she is so determined to feel miserable and MAKE us think that her True Love Transcends Yours, she’s going to wallow in self-pity over Wardo because that is the only way to show that you care.

Hmm—that was…sudden, but a better way to foreshadow his fursplosion. It came out of nowhere, but I can roll with that much better than Jacob in the book being, “La! I’m totally awesome!” and then only fursploding once he got home. Mike comes out of the bathroom, sick and distressed, says he needs to go home, and Jacob, aggressive because a rival interrupted some time with his woman, goes TOTAL aggressive and threatens to put him in the hospital. I also found it amusing that it foreshadowed our least favorite dude, the Big Furry Douche. *waves despondently* Bye, Jacob. Emmett will miss you. He enjoyed wrestling with you.

Charlie is, once again, being Awesome. He really is trying to be there for Bella. It irks me so bad that she doesn’t give a shit about him.

Hmm…let’s see, improvements over the “confrontation” between her and Jacob when she finds out he has joined the Cult of Very Obvious Tattoos Who Don’t Need Subtlety or Shirts…

I was rooting for Jacob for most of it, really. Telling her she’s a liar and that she’s been lying to everyone, not beating around the bush and immediately expressing very good hate for the Cullens, who ruined his life—but definitely the accusations toward Bella made me happy. In the book, it was just totally him, blah blah blah, and all the Cullens. No, he tells her off, too. Of course, going by canon, that was probably an act, but I enjoyed the words as he said then. And hey—the wig’s gone. *waves flag*

Until, of course, Bella actually said that it hurts her more than it hurts him to string him along and pretend to like him and manipulate his emotions so he’ll hang around her and not leave. Yeah. She said that.


THOSE GODDAMNED EMAILS TO ALICE ARE DRIVING ME BATSHIT. IT IS ONE THING FOR A BOOK TO TELL AND NOT SHOW, BUT FOR A MOVIE TO DO IT???!!!! YOU ARE SO LAZY YOU JUST HAVE HER NARRATE THOSE STUPID BULLSHIT EMAILS TO ALICE TO TELL US HOW OUR FLAILING PROTAGONIST IS FEELING???!!!!!

You never see Wardo anymore? Get yourself a revolver and play Five Slot Russian Roulette. You know—where five of the chambers are loaded? I’d love to watch.

They are really trying their best to tell their audience that Wardo is gay. Look at him sparkle in a field of purple flowers! *slaps her knees*

Wardo ruins everything. When he said he would take everything of him that might remind Bella of him, he meant it—he apparently sprayed their Meadow of Great Sparkling with Round-Up. It’s all dead now. Like Bella and Wardo without each other. *plays the world’s smallest violin*

YOU TAKE YOUR ARM OFF YOUR CHEST, WOMAN. YOU’VE BROUGHT UP THE GODDAMNED HOLE™ TWICE IN SPEECH, I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT IN VISUAL FORMAT UNLESS IT IS LITERAL.


I’ll take Laurent. That was a very good intro. I love sound hits like that when somebody just appears—especially at a distance. It was creepy. And Laurent makes things much better, because he makes me think of James. *sigh* Ah, James…I may not your chest anymore, but I got a chocolate one here.

I seriously approve of Laurent. I really don’t approve of Imaginary Wardo kind of growing out of Bella’s shoulder like that, nor do I like having to deal with a protagonist that requires hallucinations to tell her what to do in this situation because she has absolutely no sense of self-perseveration, but I am happy because Laurent is awesome (lowercase) and is doing his good Darwinian duty and removing this very, very foolish and weak human being from the gene pool lest she contaminate it further.

Before I continue, I retract my statement for now about it being all an act on Jacob’s part—this is excellent pacing (for this movie, anyway), to have him tell her to piss off but not show back up that night all smiles. He only comes back, apparently, after he kills Laurent. He can have his awesome back—not his Awesome, he’ll never get that back (werewolfery tends to suck it out of you), but it’s better than nothing.

However, there is an Awesome void, so I am going to give it to Laurent. Because he is. The speedy movement is much better as well, by the by, mostly because they aren’t really showing it. He just is suddenly in front of her.

KStew? You wanna emote at all? I mean, he’s being deliciously sweet about talking about how killing you quick is going to be great—and it’s totally sexy-talk, I might add.

So. One hour, two minutes, twenty seconds into the movie…and we finally see a werewolf. WHAT THE HELL. WERE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING WEREWOLVES IN YOUR WEREWOLF MOVIE?

Unfortunately, this movie was not as generous as the first one. They chase Laurent off, and that is all you get to see. The movie just dropped trou and is now waving its limp dick at me. *sour*

Eh. Him showing up and talking to her wasn’t much to write home about. It was a lot more believable, granted, but…eh. You know. But I don’t care. BECAUSE I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE NEXT THIRTY MINUTES. Eight minutes past! I’m at 1:08:05. Cram it, movie.



( Part III )

Before I sign off for this and bid you adieu until Part III, I have a little story to tell you.

Hyde and I are going around town to various stores, looking for cards and party items for her boss’s birthday. He’s turning fifty, and she and her lab-mates have a great desire to make fun of him (don’t worry—he deserves it). So off we went, looking for cards and presents.

We stop in at CVS. We’re perusing the cards and I’m getting distracted by candy, and as we’re strolling out—oh, great. New Moon display. I grimace in irritation—it’s bad enough I’m having to put up with thirty minutes a day for four days. I don’t want to see it when I go out. So we head back out and off we go to Borders—this one was a little more expected, since Borders is very kiss-ass with Meyer. And sure enough, huge New Moon display right up front. More grimacing from me. We didn’t find much at Borders, so we headed out to Barnes & Noble. Hyde gets distracted by books after we don’t find anything there, I wander over to the calendars.

You just guess what I saw.

Aggravated now, I look at kitten calendars and penguins while Hyde takes far too long with her published Pride and Prejudice fanfic, because Jacob and Wardo keep staring at me. She finally gets up, and we leave. Later, we go to a Hallmark store. Blessedly, mercifully, no Twilight. I am relieved. But then we go to a party store. We go up and down the aisles looking for ideas…and there is a set of napkins, plates, and plastic forks, emblazoned with New Moon. Now I’m getting pissed off. Leave me alone, dammit! We head over to Target afterwards, and THERE IT IS AGAIN. Oh my GAWD, it’s everywhere! Go away! I retreat to the back to the frozen goodies, looking for some low-fat fudge-pops…and then I hear a woman talking on her cell phone about how she got her kids some of that New Moon candy. Not one minute after she wanders vaguely off, here comes a girl clinging to her boyfriend’s arm and rhapsodizing about Wardo.

I’m sure that chunk of hair I tore out will grow back. Eventually.

I storm out of Target, furious, and we go to Wal-Mart. Now, understand, I have already seen the display in the DVD section there, along with their wardrobe section. I knew I would see it (and I did—Hyde needed new speakers). I was resigned to that one.

But we park. We get out. Hyde walks by a car. She screams with laughter, pointing at it. I look down…

…and there, on the dashboard, IN THE DAMNED PARKING LOT…is a paper plate with Jacob’s New Moon face on it.

Rarely do I walk straight-backed with clenched fists, but I totally was.

I’m sure I’ll see the humor in this in a couple of days, but goddamn, if I’m not pissed off. STOP STALKING ME, YOU FREAKS!!!!

*harrumphs and leaves*
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