Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

New Moon on Monday…

Yeah. The title says it all. It’s a New Moon on Monday.

Because I shall now watch New Moon, and in a way that is TOTALLY legal. Yes. Totally.

I have put it off, I have delayed, I have dragged my feet, and I have basically whined a lot, but there are no more excuses now.

You wanted my review. I promised my review. So here is my review. My running commentary through the movie.

*salutes* If I don’t survive, tell my cat I love him. Oh, yeah—and kill Hyde, because she was laughing at me the entire time. *bitchface*



Okay, so. Movie starts.

We opened with a new moon. Literally. It’s a red moon and it just wanes into the new moon and there’s the title, New Moon. I don’t think I’ve seen a title take so long to show up since Alien, and they were running credits over that.

AND YOU OPENED WITH A GODDAMNED VOICEOVER AGAIN. WILL YOU STOP THAT? Oh, look, that’s even better—voiceover with a SYMBOLIC DREAM. Not just symbolic, but foreshadowing. We opened with one of her literal prologues voiced-over with badly-read Shakespeare (I believe), which fades into a SYMBOLIC DREAM. THAT SYMBOLIC DREAM MY DAY IS NOW MADE. THANKS A LOT, YOU MONKEY-CRACKHEADS.


And here comes Count Orlok, looking creepy as ever. It’s the Count and he’s BROUGHT HIS WIND CHIMES, BITCHES. He’s sparkling away, and this is bland. I am 1 minute and 48 seconds into this and I have already screamed, “END!!!!” Although I’m sure some Twihards were whining because Wardo was supposed to be shirtless in the SYMBOLIC DREAM MEADOW OF STUPIDITY.

Yes, yes, you are your own grandmother, meaning you are as stupid as Fry in Futurama. I am glad you have passed the milestone of admittance. I bitchfaced at this scene in the book, okay? It’s even worse in movie-form because I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT. Dammitall, I like RPattz, but just looking at him there I want to stick his SMUG FACE in a SKUNK’S BUTT. BE SMUG IN THERE, BUTTHORN.

I had to pause to take some steak out of the fridge. Hyde and I are eating that tonight. But it was still frozen in the middle. It felt like a tumor. IT FELT LIKE THIS MOVIE. THIS MOVIE IS A FROZEN TUMOR AND IT IS EATING MY FACE.

“WAH, I DON’T WANT TO BE OLD!!!” Well, there is really only one thing I can say at this point, and I don’t really care that I’m only at 02:48. FUCK YOU.

Well, check it out, it’s Romeo and Juliet on her pillow. I WONDER WHAT THAT COULD MEAN. (Director: I graduated from the Stephenie Meyer School of Symbology and SUBTLE FORESHADOWING with honors.)

CHARLIE!!! IT’S CHARLIE!!! *fangasm* AND HE IS ALREADY AWESOME BECAUSE HE BROUGHT HER BREAKFAST AND HE’S A GREAT GUY. I love Charlie. For those who haven’t seen it, yes, his mustache is still awesome, too. I love the mustache.

Charlie is the most awesome thing ever. KEEP ME AFLOAT, O MUSTACHE. Although now I’m getting angry, because Bella is an UNGRATEFUL BITCH. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE MUSTACHE.

Okay, Bella—you know why you can’t have nice things? Because you whine even when people try to give them to you. So now I will give you a BAD thing. CROTCH-CRUNCH! *rocket-powered fist* I STEAL YOUR BABIES!!!

Where’s Emmett? It’s been over three minutes, and I don’t see Emmett.

YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. YOU ARE CRIMPING CHARLIE’S AWESOME BY BEING SUCK. He’s being legitimately funny, and because you have absolutely no sense of humor and are whiny baggage, you ruin it. Why you do this? Just because YOU can’t have nice things doesn’t mean you should make it so that I CAN’T HAVE THEM EITHER!!!

You’re very right, Bella. It’s not that old. So STFU, would you?

And then a guitar starts up, playing like mad. To soothe myself, I imagined it was Emmett playing, and that he was riding on a dragon swooping down from the moon. Without a saddle. Where is Emmett, dammit?

Uh-oh—plotpoints are showing up again! Killer animals mentioned on the radio! But Bella does not have time for such things, because they Aren’t Her, and she has nothing to worry about, because she’s in no danger due to her Stalker in Sparkly Armor—who doesn’t seem to give a crap that all of this is happening. Have I mentioned recently that I hate these people?

Well, at least the scenery is, once again, pretty. I’m getting to see fall colors now. It’s lovely, when put in with the constant green.

Why can’t we focus more on Eric? He’s awesome and has a marvelous sense of humor. I like Eric. “Don’t worry—I’m in the picture, so no one will be looking at you guys.” I would date Eric, Gay-sian and all.

Bella: I don’t want to interact with you, but my mom wants me to take a picture of you, so hurry up and pose so I can go find my sparkle-marble-ding-dong.

Bella, these people are “happy”. Do you understand that concept? Do you know what happy is? No. You don’t. Never mind.

Stop with the Romeo and Juliet foreshadowing and symbology! This story has nothing to do with the Bard’s work! This is the fourth reference in as many minutes!

“Oh, good—Cullen’s here.” And he says it in about the same tone I was thinking myself. Only it was more “pissy” and less “mind-blowingly enraged”. Because the minute he arrives, “Well, time to isolate myself!” This is so far beyond shirt-tearing that I’m on the verge of tearing off my own boobs, I’m so mad. I HAVE NOT EVEN HIT THE FIVE-MINUTE MARK AND I AM ALREADY DESIRING TO MAKE A PAGAN SACRIFICE TO SAINT AGATHA OF THE AMAZONS. *looks up and hopes she is not smote for that one*

Hey—the Volvo’s different. It looks even more like a Mormon-Mobile now. It looks like Wardo should be toting about four kids with him in the back. I expect a minivan in the next one.

HOLY CRAP, THAT WAS CHEESY. Oh my God, I have been snapped out of my angry pants and into my hysterical ones. I am laughing so hard. AND HE WALKS IN SLOW MOTION TO THE BEAT OF EMO MUSIC AND HIS SHIRT IS FANNING OUT. *making very undignified noises*

How come Wardo’s here, but Emmett isn’t? I thought they all drove together. Stands to reason Emmett should be with them.

Yes, you should be thoroughly repulsed at dating such an old man, because he is a dirty old man—he breaks into your room and sniffs your panties.

And then they make out. As usual, movie!Bella gets ten times more action than book!Bella ever does. Is he going to grope her again?

Is that touching or boring? I’m going with boring—because touching is not allowed—hey, it’s Jacob! And he’s smiling! *likes Jacob—and hates him at the same time, because she knows about Eclipse*

Yeah, you’ll leave them to talk, sure you will—you’ll just sit back and SPY ON THEM at a distance, because you’re a dink. Remember, kiddies—Edward Masen Cullen is abbreviated KGB!

Go away, you old fart—you’re a skinny piece of ragweed. Jacob is a juicy steak. And I feel so damned dirty right now, because he’s also underage.

Wardo: What is that noise they are making together? I do not understand it.

For those who don’t know? They are laughing together. He doesn’t get it—you can tell. And with one single scene THAT I HAVEN’T EVEN FINISHED, Jacob/Bella is ten times more appealing, likeable, and wholesome than Edward/Bella EVER IS OR WAS. I AM NOT JOKING.

Jacob: You should hang out more with me!
Bella: Well, yeah, but that would require effort on my part. You should totally redo your life to accommodate me! That would be much better.

When your reaction to someone asking you to hang out with him is to say, “Change schools!” you are very inconsiderate.

She ruins everything. She’s like finding a fly in your soup, a finger in your pie, a candiru in your urethra. You are just going along, all normal, and going “YAY JACOB” and then you hear her talk and have to look at her and she reminds you that she is actually in this scene and you just want to die.

Okay, I’d better bring something up now, since I’m being pissy a lot. Introducing Jacob early was a good idea. It shows he’s interested, and actually present, as opposed to Meyer just happening to remember him when it was convenient. There—happy? Because I’m certainly not. I can see Wardo back there and he is PISSING ME OFF!!!

A dream catcher. Really, movie? Why don’t you just put a feather in his hair, stick him in a teepee, make him smoke a peace-um pipe, and say “How”? You are apparently channeling Meyer, pulling all these stereotypes out of your ass.

Why does Jacob get to give her a present and you don’t, Wardo? Because Jacob Black gives heartfelt gifts that, while not the most expensive (but the most stereotypical), actually mean something to him and her. You just like to buy gifts that best show her how much money you can spend. You don’t do it because it means something. It means nothing. Oh, and I find what Jacob said about the present hilarious. “I saw this and thought of you—it catches bad dreams.” You speak for us all, my boy.

Yes, you are clearly blending in, Alice, as you skip the last six feet down the stairs and jump over the railing with one hand and swing your feet all the way up into the air before landing on the ground in full view of everybody in the middle of a crowded hallway in school.

Yeah, I know you didn’t want gifts, Bella. BUT YOU’VE GOT THEM. SO PUT ON A DAMNED HAPPY FACE. I mean, it would be one thing if she were calling them out on their conspicuous consumption. She isn’t. She’s just trying to be humble and instead is being ungrateful. Which is par for the course, so I shouldn’t be bitching, but dammit, I am angry.

OH MAN JASPER TOTALLY PLANNED THE NOMMING. I am serious—we see him briefly and he’s got the most EVIL FACE EVER. I kept waiting for him to start licking his lips as he stared at Bella with that expression. This movie just got 75% better (keeping in mind that .75 x 0 is what, kids?).

She’s so perky. KILL HER. *hates Alice*

Well, there went an uptight nun—wait, that was Jasper again. Never mind. Man, that guy has a pole up his ass.

And that was a totally random mention of Jasper’s abilities. You act like we already knew that from the last movie—except we didn’t. It was never established what he can do.

ROMEO AND JULIET #5. I AM GETTING TIRED OF THIS. And that’s not even a good version they are watching! You could at least have the decency to watch the Zefirelli version!

All the girls are doing some kind of impression of Raiders of the Lost Ark while watching the movie, heads resting in the hands while looking dreamy. Who’s got “LOVE YOU” written on her eyelids?

Eric, I would so do you right now. I love this guy! He’s so manly he can openly cry at Romeo and Juliet. Eat it, Wardo. That, and he’s willing to take one for the team and be comic relief. I declare Eric officially Awesome. Welcome to the Awesome Club, sweets. Go over there and introduce yourself to Emmett—he’s breaking out the keg right now.

…did…did she just say, “I hate being celibate?” Okay, I’m gonna just move away from that now.

Yes, isn’t it great to talk about the sheer stupidity of the couple that you and your Twoo Wuv are trying to emulate in this one? I think we should talk some more about this!

Of course, Bella naturally assumes that when he says he envies Romeo, he’s got the hots for Juliet. Could you be any more whiny NO I DID NOT SAY THAT FORGET I SAID THAT I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE IT BACK—

Yeah, that is a very good question—talking about suicide with a wistful expression and a longing voice? Why would you say that? I like to think the answer is going to be, “Because I’m dating you. You make long walks off short piers look so beautiful.”

JAMES!!!! I SAW JAMES!!!! Okay, he had a shirt on, but it was JAAAAAAAAAAMES!!!!! *skippy-dees* This flashback is Mervin Approved.

“The plan of my suicide? Well, the plan was to SUBTLY FORESHADOW the end of this movie. Sounds great, doesn’t it?”

“I am now going to cheat and read your mind and recite what you wanted me to so I can make you look like an idiot, Mr. Teacher. I am a smug asshole.” He is. And that is R&J #6. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

The Volturi are very old and very powerful, yes, but they are also very Catholic and very pointless. You didn’t finish, Wardo.

Carlisle is looking very sharp back there, hanging with the Trio of Suck. I do so love costuming.

DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT THE VOLTURI HAVING NO RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE OH MY GOD I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE NO IDEA THERE ARE NO WORDS NOT EVEN EXCLAMATION POINTS.

Marcus looks gayer than Wardo. That is hard to do.

Yes, the Volturi respect the law. The ONE LAW. I mean, when you only have one law, it wouldn’t look really good to NOT respect it. That’d be really lazy. “Vampires have laws?” Yeah, I just said that. They have one law. That’s it. “Not very many”?! They have ONE! *fuss* No, not one that is regularly enforced, the ONLY ONE THEY HAVE is regularly enforced! *flaps pointlessly*

My, but Aro is prim. He must put on his killing coat and tie his pretty hair back because heaven forbid he get something on his shirt while tearing somebody’s head off.

Look! It’s the Agate of Evil™! *makes spooky noises*

…oh, damn, now that is subtext. “Before you die, you will service me.” And he totally was. Aro looking all blissful while lovingly holding the head of a guy on his knees directly in front of him? Somebody wasn’t paying attention here, because that’s not evil—it’s just literal gay.

And with the sound of cracking marble and dust flying in the air from his limbs, a vampire dies. That isn’t literal gay—just stupid gay.

“Can we please stop talking about that?” No, Bella—he can’t. For he is enjoying the thought of someone being killed. He likes that, you see, he gets a boner for it—don’t you know your boyfriend yet? Oh, that’s right—you don’t. Carry on.

Mention of Victoria, too, even though Wardo had no idea she was going to do anything in the book. That is both good and bad. You see, I approve of the inserted and better-done foreshadowing in the movie. However, it creates a problem—they know Victoria wants to come get them, and there are reports of hikers disappearing. I tend to think vampire stink would be in the woods—where they hunt. As such, Wardo leaving now seems rather…you know. Bad. “I know there is a people-eating vampire in the woods, but I’m gonna leave you here because I’m not safe for you. Ciao!”

Victoria comes up and what does she say? “I could protect you if you change me!” Conniving bitch. And I have nothing more to say with regards to that.

There is a severe lack of Emmett going on here.

Stop playing the patronizing so well, please, RPattz. I have a desire to kill you as a result.

ZOMG EMMETT. Okay, I’m going to be happy now, because Emmett’s here, he is dressed more Awesome than everybody present, and I want to do him.

I just wet myself because Emmett is so Awesome. “Dating an older woman? Eh? *rawrs at Wardo*” Emmett makes everything better. *hugs self happily* Not even the knowledge of what’s about to happen is getting me down, because Emmett is so Awesome. Not even stuffed-shirt no-sense-of-humor Wardo is making me angry. Don’t worry, Emmett—he’s just jealous that he’s not a frat boy like you.

And Rose is awesome (mind the lower-case) here because she is not kissing Bella’s ass and is not pretending to put on a happy face. I like to think that she’s irritated because Bella is displaying no gratitude whatsoever here.

I would very much like to punch Alice in the face.

“Show me the love” And she snaps the picture and there is no love, just grimacing and irritation. The movie is trying to say something to me.

The present from Emmett will be Awesome, because anything he gives is automatically Awesome. AND IT IS AWESOME BECAUSE HE CALLED HER TRUCK A PIECE OF CRAP.

Yes, get into position and pose while you open this gift. Make sure you’re in full view of Jasper. That’s right. Can you ramp up the “tension” anymore? Geez—hiring this guy to direct this was a smart move, because he’s about as subtle as Stephenie Meyer leaping out of a barrel of oatmeal.

That dress is pretty.

OPEN THE DAMNED GIFT. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER. I AM NOT TENSE.

Jesus! That’s not a paper cut! What the hell, man?! Last time I got sliced open that bad, I had to yell at PJ afterwards! What did you wrap that thing in?! Razor wire?! Oh, and now you’re ruining the Cullens’ carpet. Everything you touch gets ruined. /Charlie Brown.

EVERYTHING JUST WENT SLOW MOTION. STAND BACK, BITCHES, HERE COMES SOME DRAMA.

Edward! Jasper! That was a priceless Steinway!

Oh, that’s grand. Not only did he send her flying into a bunch of breakable items, but he PUNCHED HER IN THE STOMACH. HARD ENOUGH TO SEND HER FLYING AGAINST A WALL. No, she didn’t just hit a table full of glass bowls, Wardo just SMACKED HIS BITCH UP. *slow clap* That really helped the situation, Wardo. Make her bleed more.

I don’t think Jasper went crazy from the smell. He didn’t look like it—I think he’s mad about the carpet. I mean, that’s nice carpet! I also figured out why I can’t take Jasper seriously—he looks like Harpo Marx. Check it out:


See? Maybe I should call him Jaspo from now on.

GOOD ONE, WARDO, NOW THE WHOLE FAMILY’S SMELLING BACON. I applaud your intelligence. Don’t you know not to smack your bitch up in public?

Come on, Emmett, take your shirt off and blind everybody with your Awesome! That’ll solve all problems at once! At the very least, wrestle Jasper.

Cute Poison Lola is right—in order to pull off a scene like this, you really need fangs. Otherwise, it just looks like he needs to pee.

And while the boys take care of the Jasper problem, the girls all stand to the side looking ineffectual. Wardo included. RPattz clearly doesn’t care anymore. “I got my paycheck. I don’t have to act anymore if I don’t wanna, so suck my unmentionables.”

AND EMMETT IS AWESOME BECAUSE HE IS STRONGARMING A HO. *jumps up and down* DON’T GO, EMMETT! DON’T GO! YOU’RE THE ONLY THING THAT MADE THIS TOLERABLE FOR ME!!!

And Wardo is still just staring at her like it’s all her fault. “BELLA, YOU NEED TO STOP WALKING INTO MY FIST, IT’S GETTING REALLY ANNOYING.”

Carlisle may get a bump to awesome now himself. He gets his bump because he reacts very smoothly and nicely to Bella flippantly calling murder “the easy way” and questioning his motives to not go out and kill people. I also give him a bump because he also seems to think he is damned as well in the movie, but doesn’t let that compromise his morals—he’s going to continue to help people. *pats* I give you an awesome. Not an Awesome—just an awesome.

Don’t even bother, Carlisle. Bella never thinks of anybody else, not even her supposed One True Love. She’s incapable of being unselfish. Because, as per usual, I know what she thinks in the book—she doesn’t even bother trying it, and immediately goes right back to thinking about herself.

See?! She is immediately RIGHT BACK TO BEGGING TO BE CHANGED. Carlisle just explained why Wardo doesn’t want to change her and that just makes her BEG HARDER. DEAR GOD, I HATE THAT SHIT-SUCKER!!!!

“You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandmother.” Well. So much for your deep, soul-bonding love. Look at that. No, I don’t think you can see it properly from here. I’ll fix that.

“You’re not gonna want me when I look like a grandmother.”

NOW look at it. I think you can see it better now. Gaze upon it. Bask in it. Doesn’t it make you feel like tearing your eyeballs out of your head? How pleasant.

“Do you not understand my feelings for you at all?” OBVIOUSLY NOT, IF A LINE LIKE THAT ONE UP THERE SURPRISES YOU. GROW A BRAINSTEM. I AM PISSED OFF AGAIN.

“Carlisle told me how you feel about your soul. I don’t believe that. So don’t worry about mine.” OH MY GOD. I AM SO MAD. I AM SHAKING I AM SO MAD. OH MY GOD. SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY THEY TOOK EVERY SINGLE THING I HATED MOST ABOUT NEW MOON AND MADE IT FUCKING WORSE???!!!!! I MUST USE IT NOW, AND I QUOTE:

FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE!!!!!!!


If you have to beg for kissing, it means one of three things. A) You are enjoying some sexy foreplay. B) Wardo’s a controlling douchebag. C) Wardo’s gay. And let me tell you right now, I may not be completely sure of the answer, but it is most assuredly not the first choice.

Wardo, it’s okay. You’re a virgin, those kinds of things happen. Although I didn’t think it would happen just from a very restrained kiss…was there rubbing? How tight are your pants? By the by, if this were a traditional tale of vampirism, his “jizzed in my pants” face every time he gets too much bacon in his face would be quite appealing.

Geez—you folded your own face out of the picture? I’d leave too, if that’s what you’re doing with photos of us together, it looks like you were inviting the breakup, not wanting both of you in the same photo. (Sidenote: Yes, I know that was just more of her whining. I am trying not to lose my temper again.)

“Do you often just stand outside of my house like that, looking creepy? Because watching me sleep is one thing—that right there is just wrong.”

Somebody turn off the emo music, please.

“Let’s go for a walk in the woods where all those hikers are disappearing! I’m gonna show you what’s happening to them, sweetpea!” Sorry—wishful thinking.

And heeeeeeeeere comes the shiver-dog! I know people give her crap for that—myself included—but, really, that’s what canon!Bella does any time she flips out. I guess actually seeing it just makes me mad, and she is the only outlet for my rage.

Okay. And now would be a good point to interrupt his spewings of how he doesn’t want you with his little speech he made about willing to commit suicide just because he didn’t know if you were going to live. Accuse him of lying, and then leave his sorry ass, you pathetic bint. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”?

You are the most dismal thing I have ever seen. Where is your sense of pride?! Listen to the way he’s talking! Don’t you realize that if what he’s saying WERE true, that all the words he said to you before, all the promises, all the declarations, EVERYTHING—EVERYTHING ELSE WAS A LIE???!!!! Don’t you realize that if you buy what he’s saying now, that means he’s a low-down, two-timing sonofabitch?! WAKE UP!!!!

Lovely. She falls over and lays there like a slug, because it’s her only defense. This is exactly what I wanted to see. This makes my day even more than Wardo smacking his bitch up. *holds up her hand* I’m in shaky-rage again.

Oh, dude! Harry Clearwater is Kicking Bird from Dances with Wolves, my second favorite character in that movie! How nice! Too bad he gets, what, two lines? Sad, though, seeing him reduced to a stereotyped bit character in this. *pats him*

Sam has no shirt. Sam needs no shirt. And it says something when you introduce a central character chest-first.

You know what? I am not even going to comment on the SYMBOLIC DREAMS, the goddamned months flashing by—YES, THEY DID IT, THEY WENT THERE WITH ME—mention of The Goddamned™ Hole, Bella sitting there with that same mopey “feel sorry for me” expression on her face for three whole months, and the fact that we all know she’s not sad because she has lost her True Love because the dialogue up there I posted shows she’s just mad she lost her free ticket to infinite beauty and eternal life. We all KNOW this. And I am not going to belabor the point anymore.

In fact, I quit for the night. 30:08 is QUITE ENOUGH. *slams it off*



And that is the end of Part I of this particular review. As you can see, I am breaking it up into several parts—four, to be exact. Stay tuned for Part II, which will be out tomorrow.

I hate these people.

( Part II )
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