Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

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Eclipse: Chapter 22

Long time, no see for this, eh? I just finished it and got it beta’d. I’ve also started working on the first revamp, so hopefully, the delay between BD won’t be too long. I hammered out the intro and have done up to the Preface (of the TW recap revamp, that is), so that’s going well. I also have a small surprise for you in this chapter. I hope you enjoy it.

BTW—I’m very glad everybody liked the tidbits for the revamp revamp that Hyde and I are doing. But please bear in mind that that is a long ways off. I hope you stick with us to actually see it, if we can pull it off.



Chapter 22 – Fire and Ice

We open up at two in the morning, the storm is in full swing, and Bella is shaking like a rattle. She’s wrapped up tight and out of the wind, except she’s still about to freeze to death.

Remember how I told you to keep in mind how everybody was being nervous about the storm in the last chapter?

Apparently, they weren’t nervous enough to bring any serious cold weather gear or some kind of portable heater. And doesn’t she work in a camping and sporting goods store? She has no excuse not to know this stuff (unless it’s the usual matter of ewww, the outdoors is just for icky boys)!

Check it out, folks. Great selection, huh? And one is even on sale! Fantastic. Just set about three of those up in a triangle around Bella, and she’d be running through the snow naked in minutes, trying to cool off.

I guess they weren’t expensive and flashy enough for the Cullens. I mean, gawd—not one of those is over $100.

I would also like to point out something else.

It said it was a freak snowstorm, yes, and that it caught a lot of people off guard. It said nothing about record lows. You are being utterly RIDICULOUS. Protection from wind goes a very long way when it comes to protecting one’s self from the cold, and you aren’t being touched by any. And while I imagine it is indeed cold up in those mountains, the highest peak isn’t even 8,000 feet. Matter of fact, the place where my family vacations? It’s HIGHER than the highest peak in the Olympic Mountains, and it’s in frickin’ Colorado, which is much colder than Washington State because Washington State is a temperate zone and frankly doesn’t receive much by way of wild temperature extremes in either direction—wet and rainy doesn’t always equal cold and miserable.

In short? Bella’s pathetic. “Eww, I’m COLD, the temperature must be near ZERO!” Yeah. Hyde walked out on her balcony in short pants when it was in the teens up where she lives and was fine. Know why? No wind. And what do you know—you have no wind! Dear God, does Meyer even acknowledge that people climb Everest and survive? That people climbed Everest even without those handy portable heaters I linked you to?

I’m sure she does. But since when has she ever let a little thing like reality get in the way of contrivance?

Wardo’s all worried as his dearest darling freezes to death because he apparently didn’t have the brains to actually pack PROPERLY for this trip, even though he had plenty of warning from two different sources about it, and we get this info with regards to Bella being cold:


He'd tried to talk me into making a run for it a dozen times already, but I was terrified of leaving my shelter. If it was this cold in here, protected from the raging wind, I could imagine how bad it would be if we were running through it.

Bella, seriously—why didn’t you tell him how incredibly STUPID that would be? Because that IS stupid. Yes, she’s freezing to death in the tent, away from the elements—let’s stick her out in them, that’ll solve the problem!

Also, once again—keep that quote in mind for later.

Jerkoff and Wardo both start whining about Bella’s health (look, I sincerely doubt it’s below zero up there, because you didn’t cross the water into Canada and as I said, while it was a freak snowstorm, it was not record lows, and when the average low in the coldest months in Forks is still above freezing, even a record low can’t be all that serious, so SHUT UP), and Bella tells Jerkoff to leave, seeing as he’s sitting outside of the tent in wolf form. He is also perfectly fine, as Wardo reassures us. Yeah—keep that in mind, too.

Bella mentions that Jerkoff has “thicker, longer, shaggy russet fur”. How many times has she described him as russet now? She “wondered why that was”, which probably means we’re going to get a stupid explanation soon. Meyer never mentions something randomly unless she’s gonna bring it up again and make us facepalm. Jerkoff whines again, and this is the reply:


"What do you want me to do?" Edward growled, too anxious to bother with politeness anymore. "Carry her through that? I don't see you making yourself useful. Why don't you go fetch a space heater or something?"

Right.

1) “Fetch a space heater or something.” You can tell he’s a very old vampire from the 1910s. He said “fetch”. See? Ignore that “or something”. Really, it just reads as more of him calling Jerkoff a dog at every opportunity—which it probably is.
2) Ah, so Bella admits that he doesn’t really mean it when he’s polite. But, in her eyes, so long as you put up the pretense, that makes you much better. You don’t have to mean anything you do, so long as other people see it and think you do.
3) Wardo? I think Bella mentioned that you suggested “carrying her though that” a dozen times already. So it’s only a bad idea if those stinky werewolves suggest it?
4) Hey, Wardo. Why don’t you make yourself useful and go fetch a space heater or something? I’m sure your constant heat-sucking body isn’t helping the situation in the tent, and you love to declare how you’re faster and better than werewolves. Why don’t YOU go get the heater? You talk about how you love Bella more than anything, but you won’t even get off your ass and get her something to help warm her up.

Jerkoff suddenly howls for no reason and Wardo gets snooty, saying “that’s the worst idea [he’s] ever heard”, but Jerkoff, now in human form, points out that at least he’s GOT an idea, unlike some people we can mention. BTW, they don’t even have a light in the tent. Completely dark. You’ve never been camping before, have you, Meyer?

So Jerkoff sweeps into the tent, Bella telling us all about how awful it is when the air gets in, and Wardo is in Extreme!Possessive Mode, so we know something’s about to happen. And then we see something so unbelievably stupid I just…I just kind of stopped, my fingers over the keys, and stared, my jaw hanging.

They had another parka. You know—the one Jerkoff wore on his way up here? Yeah. She’s not wearing it. Guess where it was?

Outside in the storm, hanging on a tree branch.



What a great place for a parka, especially when you have someone who is ostensibly freezing to death not five feet away.

Jerkoff presents himself and says here’s the space heater, and I’m gonna get this out of the way now—fuck you, Meyer. This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever seen. You aren’t satisfied with one man, no, no, you have to have two, but you can’t be fine and upstanding and self-righteous if Bella deliberately fools around with Jerkoff, so you invent this patently ridiculous, stupid, and utterly contrived reason to get your chance to roll around (mostly) naked with both of them.

Fuck. You.

There.

Jerkoff brags about his high body temperature and starts unzipping Bella’s sleeping bag. Wardo shits a brick immediately, grabbing Jerkoff’s shoulder, who “[recoils] from the cold touch”, quoted for a reason. They have their little pissing contest, Bella whining the whole time, but Jerkoff wins, citing that he NEEDS to fondle Bella, because she’s about to freeze to death. Naturally, Wardo backs off, because, when the chips are down and it comes to werewolves, he’s a huge, massive coward who likes to talk a big line but secretly knows he’s no match for them. Wardo tells Jerkoff to “watch [himself]”, and he merely laughs.

I hate those douches. Both of them.

Bella realizes what Jerkoff is about to do—and I hate her, too, because JESUS CHRIST, there is no way one person could be that stupid—and tries to protest, but he ignores her and gets into the bag with her. Bella says this skeevy line: “And then I couldn’t object—I didn’t want to anymore.” I admit, it raised the hairs on the back of my neck, because it was said in relation to her pseudo-rapist. She is quick to start fondling him back, and “he cringed when [she] pressed [her] icy fingers eagerly against his skin” (which also means THEY DIDN’T EVEN BRING GLOVES, DEAR GOD).

Well, now that I’ve highlighted those two sentences, I can go into why the business about Jerkoff being totally fine in the cold is a complete crock.

He runs at 108 degrees Fahrenheit. And yet it apparently never seems to drop, not even in a snowstorm. Bella’s freezing to death AWAY from the elements, while Jerkoff was just sitting out IN them. But, when he gets touched by cold skin? He flinches. The icy wind and snow did nothing to him.

Not a brain in your head, is there, Meyer?

Well, actually, there is, but she’s too busy using what little she has to do this disgusting bit of writing that I refuse to sum up, because if I had to suffer through it, so do you:


"Try to relax," he suggested as another shiver rippled through me violently. "You'll be warm in a minute. Of course, you'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off."

Edward growled sharply.

"That’s just a simple fact," Jacob defended himself. "Survival one-oh-one."

"C-c-cut it out, Jake," I said angrily, though my body refused to even try to pull away from him. "N-n-n-nobody really n-n-n-n-needs all ten t-t-t-toes."

"Don't worry about the bloodsucker," Jacob suggested, and his tone was smug. "He's just jealous."

"Of course I am." Edward's voice was velvet again, under control, a musical murmur in the darkness. "You don't have the faintest idea how much I wish I could do what you're doing for her, mongrel."

"Those are the breaks," Jacob said lightly, but then his tone soured. "At least you know she wishes it was you."

"True," Edward agreed.

The shuddering slowed, became bearable while they wrangled.

"There," Jacob said, pleased. "Feeling better?"

I was finally able to speak clearly. "Yes."

"Your lips are still blue," he mused. "Want me to warm those up for you, too? You only have to ask."

Edward sighed heavily.

"Behave yourself," I muttered, pressing my face against his shoulder. He flinched again when my cold skin touched his, and I smiled with slightly vindictive satisfaction.

Man, I don’t know who I hate more. I really don’t.

All right, class—time for a pop quiz! Who does Mervin hate the most?

1) We’ve got Wardo. Wardo, who refuses to allow any sort of passion whatsoever and controls all levels of intimacy. He won’t allow sex before marriage, won’t allow too deep of kissing, won’t allow his silly little female to be too wild, because she needs a Big Strong Man to keep her in line and keep her chaste, because aren’t females just all like that, untamed vixens who need to be trained, eh? And here’s Wardo, just the man to do it, and he does it all out of love, so that makes it okay.

2) We’ve got Jerkoff. Jerkoff claims to be just as much in love with Bella as Wardo is—and yet, as we see here, there is only one thing he’s obsessed with: SEX. It’s all about the physical intimacy. He’s pretty much the exact opposite of Wardo, and not in the way Meyer intended it. He’s constantly trying to force sex on her, while Wardo tries to force chastity on her. Jerkoff uses any and all methods of manipulation to make her put out, from assault to contrivance to emotional manipulation. Then says it’s all in the name of love, so that makes it okay.

3) We’ve got Bella. Bella, who sits here with these two people who are both supposedly madly in love with her and when they get together, tend to do nothing but fight over her and claim to love her more than the other, and she puts up a big front, yes, protesting and whining and telling them not to fight, but in reality, she’s like any stupid girl who has stalkers—she’s flattered and loves it and does her subtle best to fuel the fire and keep the boys arguing over her because she loves the attention. However, she does it under a mask of self-righteousness, so that makes it okay.

4) We’ve got Meyer. She wrote this fucking shit. But she’s better than Shakespeare, so that makes it okay.

*ding!* Put your pencils down and step away from your desks.

If you answered 1), 2), or 3), you get a Paul!



If you answered 4), you get a Mandarin Paul!



And if you answered 5) All of the Above, you get a lolcat!


By the way—that annoying written stutter? She’s been doing that since the chapter started. And a lot worse than what you just saw—I counted once where she repeated the same letter over ten times. Don’t you love me for sparing you?

Anyway, Bella starts talking about how warm it is in the sleeping bag “because there was so much of him”. Dude—just you just talking about Jerkoff being a space heater is ten times erotic than anything you’ve ever done with Wardo. Considering Meyer is a sterile prude, I sincerely doubt that was intentional. Then she starts talking about how he smells good. And she just keeps going with the sexual imagery, saying that she is “aching from the muscle spasms” and her “body relaxed slowly as [she] thawed, piece by frozen piece, and then turned limp”. Not like you think about what you’re writing, huh? *points* Well, we can tell what you are thinking about when you write your little wank fantasy..

Unfortunately, the fact that it is both unintentional and stupid robs it of the ability to turn me on—it just makes me roll my eyes.

Bella starts mumbling, which I’m sure pleases Hyde. She wants to ask Jerkoff something. He agrees, and she asks why he’s got longer hair as a wolf. Told you that wasn’t brought up randomly for no reason. Jerkoff answers. You ready for this? It’s because…he’s got LONG HAIR AS A HUMAN.

No. I am not going to comment on the sheer stupidity of that statement. Because this? Is just another excuse for Meyer to fap.

Bella asks why Jerkoff doesn’t cut it, then, because it’d obviously be more manageable if it were short. Jerkoff hesitates and Wardo makes his presence known by laughing derisively at Jerkoff’s thoughts. Turns out he won’t cut it because Bella liked it longer. Hey, Wardo. With regards to your derisive laugh? Why don’t you find yourself a nice big pile of sand and a hammer, and use said hammer to pound every bit of that sand right up your ass? There you go, Hyde.

Hyde: *laughs*

Mervin: Bella tells him he doesn’t have to keep it long for her, but Jerkoff shrugs and tells her not to worry her silly little head about it. She starts dozing, and Jerkoff simperingly calls her “honey”, and I just want to know what seventeen-year-old boy talks like that. Because, yet again, he sounds like a father figure. I’m sensing some deep-seated issues with Stephenie Meyer, here, what with all love interests to any characters acting like stern fathers rather than passionate lovers. Perhaps she thought the story of Oedipus Rex was romantic?

Wardo tells Jerkoff that Seth’s arrived, and why he wasn’t here to begin with is beyond me. Jerkoff is, of course, a complete douche and tells Wardo to get outside and leave them to it. Bella whines, and then falls half-asleep.

And that’s when Meyer does it.

She has been wanking merrily away this whole time, alternating between having Wardo tell her how much he loves her and Jerkoff telling her how much he loves her. There is one thing she has not done, and it is the ultimate thing to do to stroke her enormous ego.

It’s time for that classic and clichéd scene where the two prospective suitors, thinking their targeted woman is asleep, discuss their respective loves for her.

No, I am not going to enjoy this any more than you will. But we must press on. Strap in, everyone.

We start off the hideous scene by Wardo berating Jerkoff for having filthy thoughts with regards to Bella. Really, Wardo. Jerkoff is sixteen and wrapped up in a sleeping bag with the girl he’s wanted to bone since the first book. You need to realize that not all of us can be as gay as you with regards to intimacy. Jerkoff tells Wardo to keep out of his head, and Wardo is an asshole and says nyah nyah nyah by responding to that by answering his questions and thoughts before he can voice them. That, and maintain mystery. Wardo says he is “jealous of that, too”, and Jerkoff is smug, saying that whatever it is “evens the playing field a little”. Wardo is pompous, saying that that’s nonsense, and Jerkoff makes it clear that he thinks Bella might choose him because he can sex her up now and Wardo can’t for fear of breaking her in half.

Normally, I’d be disgusted with his thought process, but, considering how desperate Bella is for sex as a human?

…yeah.

Bella talks about how this is OBVIOUSLY a dream, hence the reason she’s not making herself known. As if, bitch—you don’t want to stop the conversation because you’re getting off on it—you and Meyer both. Wardo yet again is answering Jerkoff’s questions without letting the question be asked, because Meyer is determined to maintain mystery and because she knows I hate it when Wardo does that and she likes irritating me. Jerkoff wants Wardo to answer his questions so he can let Bella get off on the idea of listening to these two dicks having their heart-to-heart about how much they love her figure him out, seeing as Wardo can poke around in his head at will. Wardo asks him to specify, and Jerkoff immediately wants to know just HOW jealous Wardo is of him. Wardo is total drama llama, saying he can barely control himself, he’s so jealous. I’d buy that—I’ve read parts of Midnight Sun. But this needs to be quoted, because I fucking hate Wardo.


"Do you think about it all the time?" Jacob whispered. "Does it make it hard to concentrate when she's not with you?"

"Yes and no," Edward said; he seemed determined to answer honestly. "My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours. I can think of many more things at one time. Of course, that means that I'm always able to think of you, always able to wonder if that's where her mind is, when she's quiet and thoughtful."

They were both still for a minute.

"Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often," Edward murmured in response to Jacob's thoughts. "More often than I like. She worries that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't use that."

Let’s see, that’s just got the whole package, doesn’t it?

  • Wardo declaring how much better he is than everybody else

  • Wardo being a total hypocrite, accusing someone of manipulating Bella to meet his own ends

  • Stalker Wardo talking about how since she’s been gone, he’s been lost without a trace

  • Wardo getting suspicious and angry that she might be thinking of something he doesn’t approve of

  • Wardo showing how gay he is telling Jerkoff that he always thinks about him

Jerkoff isn’t about to take all that lying down, though. He steps it up and ramps up the douche by talking about how he HAS to “use whatever [he] can”, basically admitting that he’s manipulating her whenever he gets the chance because he is trying to make her see she is in love with him, too. Oh, how nice. I can see how you’d want to leave your husband for this fictional character, Meyer. Jerkoff continues to insist that she totally loves him but just doesn’t know it. Wardo says he can’t tell the answer to that, and Jerkoff asks if it bugs him that he can’t read Bella’s mind. He gives us a patently fake line talking about how he really wants to see into her mind, but would “rather she was happy”. Liar liar, pants on fire.

Wardo then decides now is a good time to sound noble, so he thanks Jerkoff for being here. Because he’s apparently the only werewolf that could do this sort of thing. Jerkoff points out the fact that he’d much rather kill him, but is only not because he’s keeping Bella warm. Wardo admits to that, and Jerkoff gets smug and talks about how he just knew Wardo was jealous. Uh, yeah. Did somebody seriously not know that fact? Wardo pompously declares that he is “not such a fool as to wear it on [his] sleeve like [Jerkoff does]”. Well, I guess that’s true, if you ignore all those times you forbade Bella from seeing him, and tear things apart when she talks to other boys, and dismantle her engine just to keep her from going to see another boy, constantly turning your arms into restraints whenever she takes a single step towards Jerkoff, pulling her away from any guy who has a single wayward thought towards her…

Jerkoff buys into that, though, and says he only manages to be oh-so-noble because he’s got more patience, and Wardo then says this line: “I should. I’ve had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting for her.” And from On High, Joseph Smith nods in approval. However, Jerkoff is a Lamanite, so he completely ignores that and asks, “[At] what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?” That’s very easy to answer, Jerkoff—he knows his girlfriend is a complete idiot and believes anything he says, so he did it to seem better than you and make her like him more than she likes you. Naturally, Wardo lies, saying that he “saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose” and that he hides his true feelings for Jerkoff for Bella’s sake (and yes, he really does sound that gay about it. Sorry, Bella—you’re the hypotenuse of this love triangle).

Jerkoff calls him out on his bullshit, saying that he was “just worried that if he really forced her to choose, she might not choose [him]”. Thank you. Wardo hesitates, and then says it was “only a small part” (as IF), blathers on about how he was only worried for her safety, and that “it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes”. Basically, he says he gave her her own way to seem more awesome and to make her stop whining. Jerkoff says that if he told Bella all this, she’d “never believe [him]” (why? She believes everything else that comes out of the mouth of a man), and Wardo is quite smug about that fact—he’s got her entirely fooled an right where he wants her. How nice for him. Jerkoff calls him a pompous ass (which he is, but you’re no better, Jerkoff), and Wardo gets deep. Jerkoff asks what he would do if she decided to run off with him instead, and, after saying he has no idea, Meyer spouts this off:


Jacob chuckled quietly. "Would you try to kill me?" Sarcastic again, as if doubting Edward's ability to do it.

"No."

"Why not?" Jacob's tone was still jeering.

"Do you really think I would hurt her that way?"

Jacob hesitated for a second, and then sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I know that's right. But sometimes…"

"Sometimes it's an intriguing idea."

Jacob pressed his face into the sleeping bag to muffle his laugher. "Exactly," he eventually agreed.

Even in her “sleep”, Bella must tell us all about how her sparklepires could so kill the werewolves if they wanted to. But when a werewolf doubts this or says he or she could kill a sparklepire if they wanted to, it is blasphemy of the highest order and they must be purged. Or at least whined at.

And don’t give me any bullshit about how you don’t want to hurt her. The only reason you wouldn’t kill Jerkoff is because YOU’RE A FREAKING COWARD. I don’t know HOW MANY TIMES MORE you are gonna use the, “You’re lucky my chick’s here!” line! I am getting SICK of it!

Bella decides now is a good time to mention that this is TOTALLY ALL A DREAM, and wondering “if it was the relentless wind that made [her] imagine all the whispering”. Here’s a hint, Meyer. Jerkoff’s mouth is RIGHT NEXT TO BELLA’S EAR. SHE’S GOING TO HEAR IT.

Uh-oh. My CAPSLOCK appears to be sticking more and more often.

Jerkoff realizes that Bella wants to hear Wardo and Jerkoff gush more over how they LAAAAHHHVE her and can’t live without her, so he obliges by asking Wardo about how he felt when he thought he’d never see her again and how he “coped”. He didn’t, just like Bella, Jerkoff. That’s not hard. Wardo first wangsts about how hard it is to talk about it, and then immediately starts talking about it with no signs that it’s paining him at all. Don’t you love Meyer’s crappy writing?

At that point, I decided now would be the best time to give you a sample of what’s to come in Breaking Dawn. Mostly because I tried summing up this little bit over a dozen times and never could, but it was way, way too big to quote.

For the first time in my recaps, I’m going to spork the story proper. Just a tiny section! But a spork nonetheless.



"There were two different times that I thought that."

(Wardo): And my coping varied between psychotic episodes wherein I directed my killing rage towards destroying anybody who annoyed me and wailing about it to anybody who would listen.

Edward spoke each word just a little slower than normal.

His little sparkly brain is shutting down—too much glitter.

"The first time, when I thought I could leave her… that was… almost bearable.

You know…pacing…is so…important…to a…novel. That’s why…ellipses…are a…very good…method…of…writing often…used…for dramatic…effect.

Because I thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadn't touched her life.

Or her hoohah. That’s the part she couldn’t stand.

For over six months I was able to stay away,

(Wardo): —but then keeping her safe got to be just too much work, so I said forget it.

to keep my promise that I wouldn't interfere again.

I’m just confused about how he “interfered” in the first place. The most interference he did was refusing to leave Bella alone in Twilight even though he repeatedly told her to go away, which was a literal case of “mouth says nono, eyes say yesyes” with him. Other than that, Bella has been throwing herself regularly at him since she met him. If anything, she interfered with his life, barging into his home and demanding to be changed by his whole family when it became clear he wasn’t going to do it.

It was getting close—I was fighting but I knew I wasn't going to win;

Ah, yes, that’s familiar. Let’s see, where is that quote from Midnight Sun


"But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."

Chapter 5, “Invitations”.

See? He tries to do what he perceives is best for Bella, but man, it just gets hard. He doesn’t want to bother with that sort of thing.


I would have come back… just to check on her. That's what I would have told myself, anyway.

*snort* So he wasn’t her he was miserable without—he was just unhappy because he wasn’t stalking anybody anymore. He had to get his fix in.

And if I'd found her reasonably happy…

Bella’s never happy, and never will be until she becomes sparkly and beautiful and immortal and rich. Therein lies your problem.

I like to think that I could have gone away again.

"But she wasn't happy. And I would have stayed.

You would’ve stayed anyway, jerkweed. Here’s another quote from Midnight Sun, Chapter 8, “Ghost”, to illustrate that fact.


And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep.

I would not trespass on her privacy the way a peeping tom would have. I was there for her protection, not to leer at her the way Mike Newton no doubt would, were he agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could. I would not treat her so crassly.

You would’ve made up all kinds of excuses to stay just so you could get your stalk on, such as having to stay to protect her from the ZOMG DANGEROUS werewolves and murderers, and that’s all you were doing, so there. You’ve quietly convinced yourself that you are perfectly justified and righteous in doing whatever you do to Bella, as we can see up there, so you just shut the hell up.

That's how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course.

What—she whined? How is that convincing?

You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me…

*snort* Yeah, what on earth could possibly motivate someone NOT to kill when there’s killing to be had? I can’t imagine.

what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about.

Because Bella doesn’t need to feel guilty about ANYTHING. She is faultless in every respect! If they say it enough, that makes it true. Bella certainly believes that.

She reminded me of what it did to her when I left—what it still does to her when I leave.

Thank you for reminding us that Bella literally collapses if she is not glued to your side for every minute of the day, Wardo. It’s not enough that Bella has to remind us of it every other word, now you have to chime in and tell us all about it, too.

She feels horrible about bringing that up,

No, she doesn’t. She uses it to her advantage to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Your young padawan has learned well.

but she's right. I'll never be able to make up for that, but I'll never stop trying anyway."

Except for when you totally do, of course.

Jacob didn't respond for a moment, listening to the storm or digesting

—six bean burritos. And boy, were they all going to be sorry for that in a minute.

what he'd heard, I didn't know which.

Mostly because you have never known anything. Ever.

"And the other time—when you thought she was dead?" Jacob whispered roughly.

He almost decided to go slaughter a bunch of men, women, and children in a crowded square, traumatizing for life those that survived his attack. Then he decided to be man candy for the author and took of his shirt instead before quoting Shakespeare. That should tell you a little about his mental stability.

"Yes." Edward answered a different question. "It will probably feel like that to you, won't it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore.

Oh—that’s nice. Now why don’t you give him a nice papercut and pour lemon juice in it?

But that's who she'll be."

I know that, you know that, you’re whole family knows that, but apparently nobody else can get this fact through their heads—especially Bella.

Actually, we’re wrong. Jerkoff isn’t worried about her becoming a vampire. He’s worried about her becoming a Cullen, because once you become one of those vampires, you turn into a smug psychopath who does everything without a single thought that it might be wrong and spend your life justifying your various murders and while you claim you eat animals because you think killing is wrong, it’s quite clear that you only do it because you think it makes you better than everyone else. Yeah, I wouldn’t want somebody I cared for turning into something like that, either. Except…Bella already kinda is like that—so why he cares is beyond me.


"That's not what I asked."

Edward's voice came back fast and hard.

Dude. Edward’s voice just banged Jerkoff.

"I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words."

There is a word for it, Wardo. Allow me to demonstrate.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Both you and Bella are experts at using it.


Jacob's arms flexed around me.

And crushed her.

"But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker.

That’s not why he left. I still don’t know why he left. He was clearly no danger to her, despite the bacon in her blood, so all I can guess is that they left so Jasper wouldn’t be a danger to her. Which is halfway legitimate—that guy is fucking creepy and far, far too eager to kill and drain any human that might have the slightest inkling—or what he perceives to be an inkling—of what they may be.

You want her to be human."

No. He doesn’t. We’ve seen inside his head, Jerkoff. Everything he says next is a lie. He farts around and pretends to be trying to defy “fate” and all that nonsense, but he makes it quite clear—he very much wants to turn her so he can keep her forever and ever as his possession, and gave up on saving Bella’s soul because it got hard—in other words, he was itching for an excuse to give in to his ultimate wish of having her in his clutches for all eternity, and pulled a Bella by using her insistence as a perfect cover. He can bemoan her fate and protest every step of the way, but when it comes down to zero hour, he will rejoice. And does.

Edward spoke slowly. "Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her,

Yeah, after about five hours of interaction with her, I might add.

I knew there were only four possibilities.

Three, sir.

The first alternative, the best one for Bella, would be if she didn't feel as strongly for me—if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that,

I’d believe that, if you’d even shown any indication that you would allow it! “Yeah, stay away from me. Let’s go to Seattle! Don’t be my friend! Come sit with me at my table! *dazzles* Don’t be dazzled by me!”

though it would never change the way I felt.

(Wardo): Because we vampires are just that awesome. Don’t you wish you were us? I mean, everyone else does.

You think of me as a… living stone—

Or a dull bastard.

hard and cold.

Flaccid and moist.

That's true.

Yes. We know. Because Bella feels the need to inform us of that fact about ten times a chapter. Sometimes more. Because, you know, we might forget. I mean, she obviously does.

We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience a real change.

*buzzes Meyer out* YOU SAID VAMPIRES NEVER CHANGE. DON’T YOU TRY AND BULLSHIT YOUR WAY THROUGH THIS.

When that happens, as when Bella entered my

*presses lips together to stifle comment*

life, it is a permanent change. There's no going back…

For, you see, vampires are Just That Special. They love more deeply and truly and permanently than you puny mortals and werewolves. Eat it, bitches. But not in a dirty and non-Mormon way, of course.

"The second alternative, the one I'd originally chosen, was to

(Wardo): —impose my will on her every action and turn her into my own personal plaything. It’s actually still working out great, just with a few modifications!

stay with her throughout her human life. It wasn't a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldn't be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face.

Well. Isn’t that charming. That’s option he likes best, the one he was most eager for and the one that he put into motion—the one that he admits would completely waste Bella’s life and is not a good option for her. I can see why people love this guy. He’s a real winner.

Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too.

Because that is Romance and a Good Thing! Anyone who is a widow or a widower obviously didn’t love their husband or wife at all, seeing as they are still alive and carrying on.

Sixty years, seventy years—it would seem like a very, very short time to me… But then it proved much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world.

OOooooOOOOoooo, two bad incidents, both of which could have been easily avoided if you all weren’t such dumbasses, that is CLEARLY a sign of Mortal Peril.

It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Or hung over us… waiting to go wrong.

Yes, Bella was in fact sitting around, waiting to wander brainlessly into a bad situation so you could come rescue her again. I’d want to get away from that, too.

I was terrified that I wouldn't get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human.

How she feels about this situation never enters into the picture. Why should it? This is about their relationship together—she has nothing to do with it.

"So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know.

Believe you me, we all know. DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY WITH RAGE I GOT READING PAGE AFTER PAGE AFTER PAGE OF BELLA’S ENDLESS WHINING???!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME??!!!! YOU BONEHEAD!!!!

I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative.

Forcing people to feel what you want them to feel. It clearly shows that you care.

It didn't work, and it very nearly killed us both.

Because you’re IDIOTS. Codependent, vacant, IDIOTS.

"What do I have left but the fourth option?

You could lock her in a cellar. You are always looking for excuses to kidnap her—there’s one for you.

It's what she wants—at least, she thinks she does.

Hur hur, stupid wimmins, not knowing what they want. Good thing she has a big strong man to show her the error of her ways and guide her on the Path to Righteousness.

While he does actually have a point there, it’s coming out of Wardo’s mouth, and I have an obligation to hate anything he says. Carry on.


I've been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind,

Apparently so you can just sit around and wangst about it, I guess…

but she's very… stubborn.

That’s the polite way of putting it. The accurate way to put it is to say she’s a conniving, whining bitch who will do anything to get her way because in reality, she doesn’t love you at all—you are her ticket to what she wants and she is going to use you as much as possible to get it.

You know that. I'll be lucky to stretch this out a few more months.

OH, GOD, NO!!!!!!

She has a horror of getting older,

Which is absolutely ridiculous and clearly reflects Meyer’s own shallowness and obsession with outward appearance.

and her birthday is in September…"

Notice that there is an option missing.

Wardo, you realized you were madly in love with her BEFORE you even had an idea that she loved you back (if you can call this love—which you can’t). There was another option. If you truly cared for her soul, her life, and everything about her—if you loved her as much as you claim, and wanted her to be human as much as you say you do, you would have just…left. You would’ve gone back to Alaska, you would’ve stayed away, you would’ve ignored her and pushed her away and done everything your power to keep her away from you.

But you didn’t. Because that’s hard. So fuck you, Wardo, and the author you rode in on.


"I like option one," Jacob muttered.

I like option none. Just burn everything.

Edward didn't respond.

"You know exactly how much I hate to accept this," Jacob whispered slowly, "but I can see that you do love her… in your way.

That isn’t love, Jerkoff. What you have isn’t love, either. You want to get some poon, and Wardo is a creepy fucking stalker. You’re both equally deranged, so why don’t you just go hump a tree?

I can't argue with that anymore.

I can. And have. So have a lot of other people. Why can’t you?

"Given that, I don't think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think there's a very good chance that she would be okay. After time.

I adore how they are just sitting around thinking about something similar to wife-swapping. “Just lemme take her out for a test drive, I swear it’ll be fine!”

You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March…

…we wouldn’t have to be enduring this tepid scene. Damn you, Bella!

and if you'd waited another six months to check on her… Well, you might have found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan."

Why does Meyer think that it is romantic to think of love in terms of strategy and cold calculation in terms of getting what one wants without thought to the other party?

Edward chuckled. "Maybe it would have worked. It was a well thought-out plan."

What—were you going to go beyond just tongue-raping her and whip it out? Considering what I know happens in the next chapter and how desperate Bella is for a good sexing, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jerkoff was right.

"Yeah." Jake sighed. "But…" suddenly he was whispering so fast the words got tangled, "give me a year, bl—Edward.

(Jerkoff): See? I’m calling you Edward! Now give me a spin in your girlfriend!

I really think I could make her happy. She's stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but she's capable of healing. She would have healed before.

No. She wouldn’t. Because, Jerkoff, you forget something important—the reason Bella mourned the loss of Wardo was not because her Twu Wuv had left her. It was that her chance at beautiful, sparkly immortality and lots of money was gone. You can’t give her any of that. You are the weakest link, goodbye.

And she could be human, with Charlie and Renée, and she could grow up, and have kids and… be Bella.

Yeah, and when she had kids, you could imprint on one of your own daughters! It’d be great.

"You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks you're very unselfish… are you really?

No.

Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"

Have either of you considered Bella at all? You are ostensibly concerned about her happiness and who is better for her—but I don’t see any sort of discussion about giving her a choice in this matter. It’s all about who gets to get the girl, and the girl gets no say in it.

I just answered my own question, I believe.


"I have considered it," Edward answered quietly.

(Wardo): And I quickly dismissed it.

"In some ways, you would be better suited for her than another human.

(Wardo): And I am the ultimate judge of character. I have my Good and Bad lists that I check over twice. I cull those on the Bad.

Bella takes some looking after,

*sarcastically* Thanks, Dad.

and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her.

Since the whole world revolves around her.

Well, this one does, anyway, since it’s established this isn’t the real world—this is Bizarro World.


You have done that already, and I'll owe you for that for as long as I live—forever—whichever comes first…

(Wardo): Which is why I will kill you last.

"I even asked Alice if she could see that—see if Bella would be better off with you.

You treat Alice like that fortune-telling machine in Big.

She couldn't, of course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now.

And, after all, even though we have constant emphasis on how easy it is for Alice’s gift to be fooled or all about how things change, she is now the Fount of All Wisdom and her visions are divined straight from the Burning Bush and must be accepted. I love consistency—especially when it’s convenient to not have it.

"But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob.

Why the hell not? You do it all the time.

I won't try to force her into that first option again.

(Wardo): I’ll just force her into everything else.

As long as she wants me, I'm here."

*boos very loudly*

"And if she were to decide that she wanted me?" Jacob challenged. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."

I wouldn’t.

"I would let her go."

"Just like that?"

You are LYING through your perfect little teeth! And I can quote an earlier chapter to prove it!


Edward interrupted my fretting. "It doesn't have to be a big production. I don't need any fanfare. You won't have to tell anyone or make any changes. We'll go to Vegas—you can wear old jeans and we'll go to the chapel with the drive-through window. I just want it to be official—that you belong to me and no one else."

Fuck you!

…I need to save those for later.


"In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes.

Pfft. Please, Wardo. You are the creation of one of the crappiest writers in existence. I know you would tell us all about how you’re hiding your true feelings, but any of Meyer’s characters who are making an attempt to not show how they feel makes it more than obvious what they are going through. Usually with a bunch of overdramatic whining and wailing so we don’t sympathize with them at all and instead hate them with a fiery passion. You’re not doing any of this.

But I would keep watch.

(Wardo): Because that’s really all I want out of this relationship—something to stalk. I can’t stand it if I’m not doing that. But don’t worry—I like to watch.

You see, Jacob, you might leave her someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice.

Yeah, and a couple of chapters ago, you were lauding it as wonderful because it can compare favorably to YOUR relationship with Bella.

I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen."

Once again, how lovely. He’d be stalking her all through their lives together, and hoping that Jerkoff imprints on somebody and leaves Bella and breaks her heart just so he can whisk her away and claim her as his own again, even though by default she technically would have made it clear that she didn’t want to be with him because she had chosen Jerkoff. Isn’t it great that both of these losers talk about how great it would be for Bella to get her heart broken so they can be the rebound for this chick.

Jacob snorted quietly. "Well, you've been much more honest than I had any right to expect… Edward.

What—meaning you thought you didn’t have a right to be told the truth? You should feel just as entitle to honesty as Wardo here—you know, the guy who believes that everybody has an obligation to tell him the whole truth and every minute thought at all times, including Bella and your wolf pack.

Thanks for letting me in your head."

I’m not grateful for it at all—I’ve seen more into that bastard’s head than you have. He told you a bunch of lies to make himself seem better. The truth is considerably more sinister. Be glad you didn’t really see in his head—Midnight Sun is bad enough.

"As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful

(Wardo): Gratitude…it is a strange feeling…it burnses us…

for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do…

Eh, give him some money. Not only is that a very impartial and detached gift, but it will remind him how beneath you he is because you have money.

You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies

WHY? Meyer has NOT explained this. No, the legend does not count, because all that explains is the werewolves’ animosity. The vampires have NO EXCUSES. SO WHY ARE THEY “NATURAL ENEMIES”? THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence,

Meyer just rather cleverly broke the fourth wall, I see.

I might actually like you."

I don’t. I don’t like any of you. You’re all bitches and I hope you die.

"Maybe… if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love… well, no, not even then."

(Jerkoff): Because you’d still be a smug, smirking, high-handed asshole who minces about like he thinks every person in the world is beneath him.

(Wardo): Well, you’re a pseudo-rapist douche who thinks the best way to get a girl to love him is to tell her that she was totally asking for it.

(Jerkoff): And we’re both hypocrites. So let’s bask in our mutual animosity, maybe have some steamy guy-on-guy hatesex action, and continue our battle over Bella’s hoonany while giving her absolutely no say in the matter.

(Wardo): Smashing.


Edward chuckled.

Nice to end this on Wardo condescendingly and pompously laughing at the situation. God, I hate these people.



Well, I hope that was satisfactory—and gives you an idea as to what to expect for Breaking Dawn. Back to the official recap.

Wardo wants to ask Jerkoff something else, because he can’t just pluck it from Jerkoff’s head—which is a complete contradiction from canon, as we’ve heard nothing but all about how Wardo can get whatever info he wants from people if he probes hard enough (tee hee). But we have to bring up the “parallel” for the audience, otherwise they’ll be lost, and so out of nowhere, he wants to know about that third wife business. Jerkoff thinks the story at him and Wardo has himself a big tantrum, bashing the elders and saying they should’ve “kept that story to themselves” and had some consideration for the invading human that had no business being at the bonfire in the first place. Jerkoff jeers at him, saying he doesn’t like the story because the vampires are the villains. Wardo pompously declares that isn’t his concern and spells it out for the audience, saying that Bella will identify with her (why, I don’t know). Jerkoff says “ugh” because he enjoys driving me to stratospheric heights of rage.

Wardo confesses that that is another reason why he won’t be in the clearing—he’s here to pin Bella down and keep her away from the battle. How nice. Jerkoff is quick to point out the truth of the matter—his story didn’t give her the idea (although it did give her SYMBOLIC DREAMS), Jasper did. And you just guess what Wardo does the minute Jerkoff accuses a sparklepire of something that is quite true and lifts the blame off of the convenient scapewolvesgoats.


"Neither side meant any harm," Edward whispered, peace-making now.

I think it warrants it.



There is a brief moment of “levity” that I will spare you. Wardo tells Jerkoff to “sleep well” and that he should “enjoy the moment”, prompting Jerkoff to start humping Bella’s leg again to which Wardo reproaches him. Again—not everybody can be as gay as you, Wardo, not to mention that you told him to do it. Jerkoff tells him to go away if he is so offended, Wardo threatens him for a bit, Jerkoff scoffs at it, Wardo calls him a derogatory term, and then he starts singing the stupid lullaby. We get one more mention that this is TOTALLY A DREAM ISN’T IT JUST AWESOME and Bella falls truly asleep—or rather, falls into deeper sleep because THIS WAS TOTALLY A DREAM SHE WAS ASLEEP.

I gotta say, since all of Bella’s dreams have purpose, symbology, and meaning behind them and represent her thoughts, desires, and obsessions at the moment in a very precise fashion, if that really was a dream, she is ONE ARROGANT BITCH.

Oh, and by the way, she just basically talked about all of the above dialogue as if it were one big SYMBOLIC DREAM.



With that, I am out. See you guys next time with Chapter 23 – Monster. Please send chocolate. I’m gonna need it for that one.

Paul Count: 4



Stinger: “"Neither side meant any harm," Edward whispered, peace-making now.”

( Chapter 23 - Monster )



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