Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

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Eclipse: Chapters 18-19

Sands: *wrinkles nose* I suppose I should start back up, huh? Merv’s still stomping around out in Tokyo, which leaves me to get this cranked out. *long-suffering sigh* For one who continually maintains that she hates me, she sure does lean on me a lot. *straightens his shades* Right. Let’s cut this bitch a new one.



Chapter 18 – Instruction

JESUS CHRIST. This chapter opens up with Bella whining, too! How many is this?! *rubs forehead* This time, she’s whining about how long the party was. Yeah, fun is such an un-fun thing. It should be outlawed, because fun just isn’t fun. Bella mentions that all of the Cullens are happy and gay (emphasis on the gay part), confident about their fight now that the werewolves are on their side. Bella, naturally, is using that as an excuse to seem selfless and concerned for other people’s safety.


Bad enough—horrible—that the Cullens would fight for me. It was already too much that I would have to allow that. It already felt like more than I could bear.

Not Jacob, too. Not his foolish, eager brothers—most of them even younger than I was. They were just oversized, over-muscled children, and they looked forward to this like it was picnic on the beach. I could not have them in danger, too.

  • Have to “allow” that? Is that so, Bella.

  • Psh. Like you have any room calling anyone childish. I know you like to think of yourself as mature, twat, but you are just a large child, too—or rather, I should say, just a big baby.

  • In her attempt to sound selfless and caring about their safety, she just winds up sounding bitchy and once again making me wonder why on earth she calls these people her friends. She does nothing but deride them.

  • How foolish, looking forward to the battle like they do. Not anything like the Cullens, right? Oh, wait.

In other words, that’s shit.

Bella whines some more, and then insists upon going with Ed and friends to whatever shindig they planned tonight with the werewolves. Ed, of course, disapproves, because what if the werewolves and vampires can’t cooperate at the meeting, eh? Bella threatens to call Jerkoff to come get her if Ed won’t take her. That’ll help public relations. She goes inside, insults a sleeping Charlie for a bit before waking him up and sending him to bed. Having been read all of the stuff Hyde’s recapping in Midnight Sun, I’m sure I’m supposed to see this scene as Bella being the tender caretaker. I don’t. She’s a bitch.

She changes and prisses back into her room, where Ed’s getting his guilt trip on. So, as a result, Bella and he get into bed. In fact, this exchange is very confusing: “Maybe he was right and I was tired enough to sleep. I wasn’t going to let him sneak off without me.” I don’t think it’s just me when I say those two sentences pretty much have nothing to do with each other.

Ed is all patronizingly reassuring, and Bella is all whinily angsty about it, right down to the whole “NOBODY CARES ABOUT WHAT I THINK” line of crap. Well, it would be a line of crap, if it wasn’t true in my case, at least. Ed delivers a very long paragraph about why it’s going to be a walk in the park and says that “someone may have to sit out” in a jovial fashion. I must say, this is all in very poor taste. Weren’t they talking about how somebody is going to die not two chapters ago? Not ONE chapter ago? I almost agree with Bella Bitch here about the sheer ridiculousness of this sudden mood swing. This kills any and all dramatic tension. We are/were/whatever supposed to be all tense and despairing because somebody might die, oh no, whatever shall we do, except everybody but Bella is now all happy and good-humored and laughing it off. Am I supposed to be tense just because Bella is? I’m not. Nobody cares, and Bella sucks, so I don’t care. Dramatic tension goes out the window.

Then Ed starts singing. *heaves a sigh* That doesn’t stop Bella from continually wangsting about stuff we know won’t happen—namely, a big battle or people she knows getting hurt in some fashion. She pulls up the selfless act yet again, and every time she does that, I just want to pistolwhip her.

And two sentences later, it’s time to go. She jumps on Ed’s back and off they go over the river and through the woods. They arrive at the same clearing where James and his gang showed up and went evil for no reason. And—*looks confused* What?


But James and Laurent were never coming back. That pattern wouldn’t be repeated. Maybe all the patterns were broken. Yes, someone had broken out of their pattern. Was it possible that the Volturi were the flexible ones in this equation?

I doubted it.

Victoria had always seemed like a force of nature to me—like a hurricane moving toward the coast in a straight line—unavoidable, implacable, but predictable. Maybe it was wrong to limit her that way. She had to be capable of adaptation.

I’m…afraid I don’t really know what any of that meant. My superior intelligence has apparently failed me for once. That was, right there, the most convoluted and ridiculous way to somehow lead this conversation to Victoria. It was complete gibberish, is what it was.

No matter what it was, through forces as of yet unknown to me (or the author, either one), it leads to Bella Bitch getting her brilliant moment in theorizing that it’s Victoria doing all the vampire army stuff and coming down to kill her.

Bella “brilliantly” deduces that she could’ve gotten the idea while down in Texas, and heard about Alice’s PlotPoint-Seeing Ability through Laurent because he hung out with the friends in Denali, and the vampire who was in her room is just one of Victoria’s newborns she’s got running her errands for her. Ed blathers about how that might work, as she would be expecting the Cullens to wipe out most of the newborns if it were her, to eliminate all traces of her creating a newborn army, but is quite obviously dismissing it in his mind, even though he is quick to laud Bella and call her “very perceptive” and go on about how “impressive” that is.

  • Yeah. They just now even CONSIDERED that Victoria might be a possibility, but then she was quickly swept under the rug so Meyer could somehow maintain what she no doubt believes will be a splendid red herring to distract us all from when Victoria actually shows up. Do you not realize that it makes your characters look really stupid when you do that?

  • If creating newborn armies is so illegal and warrants death if you do it, why don’t all vampires know about it? It seems to me that you should actually have people know the rules of being a vampire. Otherwise, they can just claim ignorance if you try to call them out for being naughty.

  • There is no way Victoria could find out how well Alice’s ability worked. I don’t care if Laurent lived up with the Denalis—how the hell would the subject even come up? That’s just more of that convenience Meyer’s so fond of using.

  • You aren’t going to actually tell anyone about this theory, are you, Ed? Are you that dismissive of anything your affianced says because you think she’s just that dumb (she is), or are you not even going to consider the possibility because you are just that dumb (you are)?

Anyway. Bella puts on her Drama Queen tiara and talks about how she got the idea because of the location, and feels like Victoria is watching her as they speak. Ed gets all bitchface and says, “She’ll never touch you, Bella.” You’re dirt. And then Ed does this:


In spite of his words, his eyes swept carefully across the dark trees. While he searched their shadows, the strangest expression crossed his face. His lips pulled back over his teeth and his eyes shone with an odd light—a wild, fierce kind of hope.

"Yet, what I wouldn't give to have her that close," he murmured. "Victoria, and anyone else who's ever thought of hurting you. To have the chance to end this myself. To finish it with my own hands this time."

I shuddered at the ferocious longing in his voice, and clenched his fingers more tightly with mine, wishing I was strong enough to lock our hands together permanently.

“Ferocious longing” my tight little butt. You can try sugar-frosting it all you like, Bella Bitch. I am not fooled. Ed is more psychotic than I am, and he’s using you as his latest excuse for wanting to murder somebody.

Alice is over there pouting because she can’t see proper visions due to the werewolves arriving. Ed makes fun of her. Emmett is at ease and joking, so Ed belittles him for it. Humor is for ethnic people, Emmett—don’t you go behaving like one of those sorts. Carlisle asks Ed when the wolves are gonna arrive, and he’s very precise about it by reading their minds, which apparently have built-in stopwatches, saying that they will be here in “a minute and a half”.

Minor digression—Meyer, you said Ed’s range is a few miles with his little mind-reading thing there. Werewolves are faster than vampires. Vampires move faster than the human eye can discern. So they should be well out of Ed’s range if they are in fact a minute and a half away.

Back to our recap. Ed mentions that the werewolves don’t trust the vamps enough to come as humans, and will be in wolf form, prompting Carlisle to say, “This is hard for them.” Excuse me? It’s hard for THEM to put aside any prejudices and come work with you? Why don’t you OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES, Carlisle and take a look at your precious family? THEY’RE ALL RACIST FUCKERS WHO THINK THE WEREWOLVES ARE NO BETTER THAN ANIMALS. Even your favorite son, Ed—he’s probably the worst of the lot!

Bella-Bitch trembles at the mere thought of seeing them as wolves, because she’s a delicate female and they do that, but then Ed says the werewolves have “been holding out on [them]”. Because, apparently, the werewolves have an obligation to tell the Cullens everything about the pack. We have a “tense” moment, and even when Ed spells out that what they’ve been holding out on is the fact that there are more werewolves than originally thought, she is a complete and utter idiot and doesn’t get it until she counts ten pairs of eyes. Yeah, we weren’t supposed to know about this pack growth, were we? I knew. Mervin’s kept me up-to-date—we knew of at least two of these particular surprise wolves way back in chapter eleven, when Leah and Seth were present at the bonfire. Meyer apparently thinks I’m as stupid as her protagonist. Or rather, herself.

Ed remarks that it’s “fascinating”. It isn’t. Carlisle greets the wolves, and Ed dutifully translates their response, and they are just gonna watch the festivities because “that is the most [they] can ask of [their] self-control”. Meaning they’re just barely restraining themselves from leaping out of the woods and attacking these people, apparently. Must be Meyer’s efforts to show that the wolves are so much more prejudiced than her vampires. Never mind the number of times all the vampires have said they’d love to kill the werewolves just for the hell of it.

Carlisle blathers on about how Jasper will teach them how to fight, and explains the newborn situation, the werewolves get excited about the prospect of fighting lots of vampires, they say when they will arrive—in four days in the morning. And then all the werewolves sit down and wait for the teaching to begin.

And you know what? I’m not even going to bother with it. Sure, I’ll tell you the basics, but I sat here and listened to the whole damned thing. And nothing happens. This was supposed to be a big learning experience, except absolutely nothing is heard, seen, or explained. This is supposed to be a lesson on how to fight newborns, but Jasper doesn’t teach anyone anything—they all just dance in their little fairy ring out on the grass. Bella’s pathetic human eyes can’t keep up with the vampires’ speed, so we just don’t see anything. It’s pointless, and serves no other purpose but to show how awesome the vampires are. Except we don’t see it. I am not kidding. This chapter is pretty much nothing but a bunch of filler, doesn’t further the plot (what little most chapters do further the plot), doesn’t give us any new info, doesn’t set up any of her ham-fisted foreshadowing—it’s bullshit.

So here’s your run-down.

  • Jasper obviously hates on the werewolves.

  • Jasper insults Emmett, and they have a throwdown; Jasper wins.

  • Ed wants to play-fight and Bella flips out at the mere notion.

  • Jasper holds him off and play-fights with Alice instead; Alice wins, and they make-out, Mormon style.

  • Ed says this with regards to the werewolves being kind of impressed: “It’s good for them to learn some respect.

  • That line woke Mervin up from sleeping under the ocean near Japan and she promptly rampaged Tokyo again.

  • Ed and Jasper get up to fight, and theirs is a draw after they finish growling.

  • Alice tells Bella to behave her sorry human self and not even think about trying to get in the way of what’s going on, as she is obviously plotting a way to make herself look good—meaning, plotting a way to go sacrifice herself to the newborns (which means she thinks the Cullens would just not fight them at all if she did, and that Ed wouldn’t try to kill himself again—did she completely forget about the last book?).

  • Everyone else play-fights.

  • They set up another “practice session” tomorrow and all the wolves start coming out of the woods to sniff the Cullens.

That’s it.

So, out come the werewolves, and Bella describes them in what I’m sure she thinks are horrifying terms. Because, after all, werewolves, as poor ethnic greasers, are much less attractive than her vampires she emulates. Emmett’s perfectly relaxed, while Jasper’s got a pole up his ass. Why Jasper is so down on these guys is beyond me—if I’m not mistaken, he wasn’t even involved in the original treaty business and just met the werewolves a few months ago. Bella mentions only two of the new werewolves, even though there are supposed to be four she’s not seen, and I’m just rubbing my head because it’s so obvious that those are the Clearwater kids, even though she calls them both guys to maintain the mystery. But enough about those two—let’s move on to the “russet-colored wolf”, who, even in that form, manages to be an asshole.

Yes, it’s Jerkoff. He breaks ranks and saunters right up to Bella, all while Ed does nothing but fret over his dearest darling’s composure. And then Bella pets him in a sexual manner resembling bestiality and Jerkoff licks her whole face. We all have a good laugh. Ed…pretty much does nothing, and is all pissy that Bella isn’t “screaming and running away in terror”. Ed, she didn’t run away from you. Why do you think she’d run from these guys? To say nothing of the fact that Ed here is a coward and a liar. Oh, sure, he talks a big line, always going on and on about how he wants to kill Jerkoff and how easy it would be and the only reason he doesn’t do it is because Bella won’t let him…but Jerkoff molests her in front of him and all he does is just sit passively off to the side.

What’s the matter, Ed? Don’t like it when the odds aren’t stacked in your favor?

Ed asks Bella if she wants to go home, but then immediately starts jabbering away with Jerkoff, talking about details and complications and strategy (which we don’t hear, by the way). And then this happens: “Jacob’s head swiveled back and forth, looking at our faces.” Meyer, think about what you write occasionally—then you’ll avoid writing sentences that give one the impression that Jerkoff is reinacting select scenes from The Exorcist. Anyway, Jerkoff does that, then runs off into the woods. Bella whines about it, and Ed reassures her that he’s coming back. Jerkoff comes wandering back into the clearing as a human, and calls Ed a derogatory term. Meyer makes sure we know that it bounces off of Ed, to try and make us believe he’s somehow brave in the face of prejudice, but instead, we know he’s smug in the face of prejudice. I’m sure we’ll have proof of that any time now. They start talking about what they’re going to do with the Load. Bella gets whiny about it, puts on her selfless act again by pretending to be concerned for her friends and her father, and it works like a charm because both Jerkoff and Ed are touched by it.

Jerkoff keeps wheedling Ed to leave her in La Push, because that’ll make it easier for him to molest her without danger of Ed coming to interrupt. Ed still continues to make it clear that he doesn’t believe it’s Victoria doing all this (because he’s an idiot), and says that Bella has to be somewhere out of the way, because the newborns or Victoria will probably go looking anywhere she has been with regularity.

*drinks* Just lock her in a cellar already, Ed. It’d be easier. Put her in the pit with some lotion and call it good.

We get more emphasis on how Bella smells just so special—and Ed does too, on top of it—that hiding her in the mountains wouldn’t work, either. Jerkoff gets the idea for him to carry Bella around instead, because he stinks and that’ll mask her smell. Jerkoff then sweeps her up into his arms, and, after calling Jasper and Alice over, Ed says, “Bella’s scent is so much more potent to me—I thought it would be a fairer test if someone else tried.” Wait—that Bella Bacon plotpoint is still here? I thought we stopped doing that back in the middle of Twilight.

Jerkoff heads off into the woods. Bella whines. *rubs his forehead* That is very trying. The test lasts about a paragraph before they are back in the clearing, and Jerkoff refuses to put her down because he’s an asshole (and probably because Bella/Meyer lives to be carried around by Big Strong Men like so much luggage). But then Jasper and Alice arrive, and Jerkoff puts her back down. Bella makes a big show of flouncing over and fondling Ed without looking at Jerkoff. Jasper and Alice declare it a success, and then Alice and Ed have one of those exceedingly irritating private mental conversations before including the audience—they’ve decided that Bella is going to wander around in the woods and leave false trails everywhere to help lead the newborns where they want them. Bella whines about it—why? She’s never had any problem doing exactly what the Cullens tell her to do before, no matter how stupid or dangerous it is.

Ed then loudly makes a fuss about something Jasper was thinking. Turns out he was thinking about actually having Bella in the clearing to drive all the newborns crazy. Ed’s stinkeye is enough to make him tremble in fear and apologize. Doesn’t stop him from looking all “wistful” at Bella. Ed and Jerkoff both stinkeye him, but Ed isn’t about to tolerate some redskin buck daring to look anything but submissive and/or adoring at something so gloriously White and Right, so he is quick to do an about-face and defend Jasper.

Meyer then goes on to describe Ed and Jerkoff getting closer, and I see a kiss in their future. Ed and Jerkoff arrange the trail-laying and Bella-hiding date, mentioning that the place to hide her needs to be “completely out of the way, and easily defensible, not that it will come to that”. No—not at all. Not a chance that they’ll be found out. Don’t even think that. There’s no way that could happen. Ever. You suck, Meyer. Then we find out that they were planning on just…leaving Bella wherever they were planning on hiding her all by herself. I support this idea—it means she’d die, because these people have huge heads and are way, WAY too confident in their own abilities. Jerkoff sees the flaw in this plan, unfortunately, and then comes up with the idea to have a werewolf stay with her in wolf form to continuously have contact with the pack. In response, Ed calls Jerkoff a “dog”. Told you we’d have proof of Ed’s insufferable superiority complex and obvious racism. I would also like to mention that all of this had to be spelled out for Bella, because she’s an idiot—that, and Meyer needed to explain it to the audience, as we don’t have the “privilege” of seeing inside of those two’s heads and be privy to the conversation. Turns out the wolf that’ll be with her is Seth. This is supposed to be a surprise.

The chapter ends on Jerkoff and Ed being revolted by each others’ company. And I still maintain that while the werewolves have a legitimate reason to hate vampires, as they have a history of being a threat to their tribe, Ed and the rest of the vamps have absolutely no reason to be prejudiced at all against the werewolves, other than the fact that they are a bunch of a racist bastards who thinks anyone who is not white—or not a vampire, for that matter—is little more than an animal and so far beneath them that they are worthy of nothing but contempt.





Chapter 19 – Selfish

Mervin: *plods back in, soaking wet, trailing seaweed, and slightly singed* Yeah…I think I can take it from here, Sands. You can go back to your own room.

Sands: Oh! Look who finally decided to show up and DO HER FUCKING JOB! It’s amazing.

Mervin: *pulls a fish out of her bra and slaps Sands in the face with it* Get out of here. *sends him away; wrings out her hair* Sorry about that, folks. But everybody has a breaking point. And that’ll probably happen again. Because Meyer sucks.

*quick read through the previous recap* Okay. All up-to-date. Basically, very little has happened and everyone’s a rittre bit lacist.

Amazingly enough, this one does not open up with Bella whining. I’m sure she’ll remedy this situation soon enough. Instead, she opens with Wardo running wee-wee-wee all the way home with Bella in his Big Strong Man Arms, because the author gets off on that. And then it’s the next day. Seriously. There is no transition at all. But the opening sentences are noteworthy: “When I woke up, I was in my bed and the dull light coming through my windows slanted in from a strange angle. Almost like it was afternoon.

Gee, guys? Do you think it might be the afternoon? Nah.

But then, in a shocking twist, it IS the afternoon! I’ll bet you guys didn’t see that coming—Meyer’s foreshadowing is so subtle. Anyway, the first thing she does is immediately look for Wardo so she can cling to him. Meyer makes me snort my drink through my nose when Bella’s “seeking fingers encountered something cool and smooth”. Wardo tells her she had a restless sleep, meaning she was talking all night and day. I think we all know what that means. SYMBOLIC DREAMS.



Wardo offers to bring her breakfast in bed—see, that makes him chivalrous and the ideal man—but she declines and Wardo hovers over her the whole time she walks down the stairs. Bella starts up some breakfast, looks at herself in the toaster, and says her favorite word: “Ugh.

Her Pop-Tarts take two seconds to cook, and soon she’s at the table, gnawing away. The charm bracelet she got from Jerkoff—thank you, Sands—is still on her wrist, and Wardo wants to see it. Of course, Bella defers. This is very telling.


He moved his hand under the charm bracelet and balanced the little figurine in his snowy palm. For a fleeting moment, I was afraid. Just the slightest twist of his fingers could crush it into splinters.

But of course Edward wouldn’t do that. I was embarrassed I’d even had the thought. He only weighed the wolf in his palm for a moment, and then let it fall. It swung lightly from my wrist.

How many times is Meyer going to use those classic battered women lines? Are police reports and Lifetime movies about abused women her inspiration for this relationship?

Anyway, Wardo gets his pout on with regards to Jerkoff’s gifts, and you know, for once, I think I’m siding a little with him. Jerkoff sexually assaulted her and beat her up by proxy before saying her skirt was too short and if she hadn’t struggled, it wouldn’t have hurt so much, and yet here she is, accepting gifts from him and wearing them regularly. But Wardo, her True Love Forever and Ever Sealed in the Temple for Time and All Eternity, is not allowed, and now he gets to look at Bella’s rapist’s nice little gift to her around her wrist every day—he gets to be reminded not only of that incident, but also of the fact that his girlfriend apparently doesn’t care that he did that and in fact will continue to be all lovey-dovey to him and sensitive to his needs and wants.

‘Course, if you take into account why Wardo’s doing this, it all goes to pot. Because everything I just pointed out? Yeah, he’s not thinking about that. You’ll get to see what he’s got in mind and why he’s fussing in a bit.

Bella tells him he gives her presents and that he doesn’t need to worry—she mostly doesn’t want him spending money on her, apparently, which is all tripe. Bella’s only doing this so she’ll seem humble. Wardo suggests he give her a hand-me-down instead, and says that, as she’ll be wearing Jerkoff’s bracelet because she “wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings” (yes, ladies, don’t hurt your rapist’s feelings—that’s why so many of them get away with what they do, because the women don’t want to offend them), it’s only fair that he get “a little representation”. In other words, the only reason he’s pissed he can’t give her presents is because he doesn’t have his own symbol of ownership on her.

Turn to the side, Wardo. Lift your right leg. It’s that simple.

Bella farts around, Wardo is direct (read: bullies her into his way as usual), and she stupidly agrees to his hand-me-down. I say “stupidly” because this is super-rich-outside-the-realms-of-reality-my-god-he-cannot-have-that-much-money Edward Cullen. If she thinks it’s gonna be something simple, heartfelt, and handmade like Jerkoff’s, she’s even more braindead than we originally thought. I need not say more, because that’s a rant for another time.

Wardo then starts bitching about inequality, whining about how everybody can give her presents but he can’t, and then Bella waxes poetic about their True Love and they have one of those stupid exchanges about who’s more worthy of the other and it’s just sickening. Wardo’s pants vibrate, and it turns out Alice is calling him. He chats for a moment, and he’s got that “disapproving arch to his brow” in Bella’s direction, so we all gird our loins for more of that patronizing “You do what I want and nothing else, bitch” crap we always get from Wardo whenever Bella gets the idea to do something he doesn’t approve of. And, of course, rather than get pissed that he’s at it again, she becomes nervous and ashamed, because how dare she do something The Man doesn’t want her to do.

He hangs up and the fatherly way he’s talking to her is disturbing. She deliberates for a moment, relates her SYMBOLIC DREAMS to the audience—



—and then says she likes Jasper’s idea, because it’s a good way for her to look selfless. Wardo is patronizing. Bella is trying to assert herself, except this is not the time to do it—because, while it would indeed whip the newborns into a frenzy and make them lose their concentration if she was there, the entire group of Cullen vampires would also be distracted, worrying about a newborn getting through them to her, not to mention that, while they will be distracted, they will also be more ravenous and desperate and ferocious in their fighting just to get to her. I have no idea why Jasper thought that would be a good idea, because over half of their group would be worrying about the fragile human and their minds wouldn’t be in the battle, creating more margin for error and risk of injury.

So, Wardo gets smug again, saying that Alice doesn’t see her in the battle, just in the woods, but then Bella smugs right back at him, saying that she can get Seth to show her the way instead. Wardo gets pissy, and says he’ll just have Sam Alpha-Order Seth not to do it. Bella continues to smug at him and says that Sam would like the idea, too. Then Wardo pulls Jacob up, saying that he’s second in command and his Alpha-Orders work, too, and he would quickly make sure Seth wouldn’t show her. So, as usual, Wardo wins, is a smug prick, and Meyer writes this: “My forehead crumpled.

Yes. It did. Because I had used a sledgehammer to stove her head in.

Wardo is the smuggest smug that ever did smug, being all deliberately mysterious so Bella will ask him about it, talking about the pack and asking about the small gray wolf that was in the clearing. Bella finally gives in (are we surprised?) and asks about it, and it turns out GASP SHOCK HORROR, it’s Leah Clearwater. I’LL BET NONE OF YOU SAW THAT COMING. Why Bella is so spazzed about this is beyond me—it’s not like she knows her, or anything. But, with the mention of Leah Clearwater, anybody who knows Twilight knows what is coming. Bella first recounts all of the ~*~* --> SUBTLE FORESHADOWING <-- *~*~ that Meyer had intricately and expertly woven into the books, and recounts that whole imprinting business before expressing pity for Leah.

And here’s the conversation that follows.


Edward snorted. "She's making life exceedingly unpleasant for the rest of them. I'm not sure she deserves your sympathy."

"What do you mean?"

"It's hard enough for them, having to share all their thoughts. Most of them try to cooperate, make it easier. When even one member is deliberately malicious, it’s painful for everyone."

"She has reason enough," I mumbled, still on her side.

"Oh, I know," he said. "The imprinting compulsion is one of the strangest things I've ever witnessed in my life, and I've seen some strange things." He shook his head wonderingly. "The way Sam is tied to his Emily is impossible to describe—or I should say her Sam. Sam really had no choice. It reminds me of A Midsummer Night’s Dream with all the chaos caused by the fairies' love spells… like magic." He smiled. "It's very nearly as strong as the way I feel about you."

Well. I see.

Let’s get this out of the way first.



Now, to pick that apart, piece by piece.

Wardo. You are the most unsympathetic person to ever walk this earth. You do not care about anybody but yourself. So I really don’t think you should be telling anybody who they should sympathize with and who they shouldn’t.

There they go again, comparing their True Love to imprinting. Considering I’ve talked about how sick that particular plot device is, I don’t need to say much more about that—other than to say that Wardo, you’re an arrogant cock and yet again spend your days talking about how much better whatever you have is as compared to those stupid werewolves just so you can make yourself look superior to them with regards to Bella’s opinion.

Stop bringing Shakespeare into this, Meyer. Your books are absolutely nothing like the Bard’s work. I know you like to think they are—nay, I know you like to think they are better, but they are not.

The big slam on this whole situation comes at the very end of this book, so I’ll not say it yet. But I will set up Leah’s situation for you guys. The whole thing.

  • Leah Clearwater was engaged to Sam Uley. They were very much in love.

  • Sam disappeared all of the sudden. She was leading the search parties, trying to find him.

  • Sam returned, and told Leah that he couldn’t tell her a thing about what had happened. So she had no idea where he’d disappeared to—for all she knew, he’d run off to go cheat on her.

  • She knew Sam had changed, and that something had happened, but wanted to work things out. She and Sam were trying to stay together and she was providing love and support to him through this very difficult time, even though she did not know just how difficult it was for him.

  • Out of the blue, all of the sudden, and for no discernable reason she could imagine, Sam dumps her and declares his undying love for her cousin, Emily, who was like a sister to her.

  • After Emily is attacked by an unknown force—a bear, they said—she and Sam hook up and very quickly set a wedding date, even though Emily had told Leah before that she wanted nothing to do with Sam and would never betray her like that.

  • Leah Clearwater transforms into a werewolf.

  • Said transformation, along with her little brother’s, is probably what gave her dad a heart attack.

  • She found out that it wasn’t a bear that attacked her cousin—it was Sam, and that attack was somehow what made them realize they were meant to be together. She also found out that while Sam had no choice, Emily did.

  • Sam and Emily ask Leah to be a bridesmaid at their wedding, even though they know how heartbroken she is over this whole situation.

  • Every single time she transforms into a werewolf and Sam is transformed as well, she gets to hear all about how he feels for Emily.

  • She’s the only girl in the pack. She hardly gets any reference for how to deal with this at all by the tribal leaders or anybody else, for that matter, because traditionally, the werewolves are all boys.

  • All of the pack members either treat her like she’s weaker and less of an asset because she’s a girl or constantly berate her for not accepting what happened with Sam and Emily like everyone else did.

  • Every single time she transforms into a werewolf, she gets to hear how everybody thinks she’s weak, pathetic, bitter, and that they all despise her.

That said? I say go Leah for being malicious and nasty towards the pack. It’s apparently the only way she can get some of her own back. But, of course, I’m supposed to think she’s oh-so-rotten for doing that, because how dare she not bow before the True Love Forever and Ever Sealed in the Temple for Time and All Eternity between Sam and Emily, eh?

But, all this has been said numerous times over by better people than I. So onward. Let’s find out what mean things Leah does.

Turns out that “she’s constantly bringing up things they’d rather not think of”. *points at the above list* And the other members don’t? The thing they don’t want to think of is apparently that Embry may be the illegitimate son of Quil Sr., Sam’s dad, or Billy, who were all married when he would’ve been conceived. Meyer calls it “exactly like a soap opera” and fails to realize that is very telling of the quality of her writing. I still say go Leah—they call her weak and bitter, she nails them with that sort of stuff. Totally awesome. That’s fic-worthy.

So, Wardo marvels at how fascinating the pack-mind is, and Bella brings the subject quickly back around to herself and starts again insisting that she has to be in the clearing. I’ve already proven why that is a bad idea. But then Bella gets an idea that’s probably even worse than any other idea they’ve had thus far. “It wasn’t so much that I had to be in the clearing. I just had to be where Edward was.

She starts beating herself up internally about how wrong this is—so naturally, that means go right ahead with it, because now that she’s acknowledged that it’s bad, it’s A-OK! She moans about how she can’t live without him, and continually talks about how agonizing this is going to be, and how wrong it is, because the more wrong you say it is, the more right it is when you do it. She quickly works to manipulate Wardo into basically admitting that he doesn’t have to be there, because that’s a sign of True Love right there. And the minute he does, she demands he not fight and sit out and stay with her while everybody else is fighting newborns. When Wardo doesn’t answer immediately:


I took a deep breath. "So it's one way or the other. Either there is more danger than you want me to know about, in which case it would be right for me to be there, to do what I can to help. Or… it's going to be so easy that they'll get by without you. Which way is it?"

He didn't speak.

I knew what he was thinking of—the same thing I was thinking of. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Rosalie. Jasper. And… I forced myself to think the last name. And Alice.

I wondered if I was a monster. Not the kind that he thought he was, but the real kind. The kind that hurt people. The kind that had no limits when it came to what they wanted.

What I wanted was to keep him safe, safe with me. Did I have a limit to what I would do, what I would sacrifice for that? I wasn't sure.

Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen. And, of course, once again—so long as you admit what you’re doing is wrong? Go right ahead and do it. So, if I admit that hunting Meyer down and attacking her with a flyswatter would be wrong, I can go do it? I love that logic!

Wardo is obviously quite hesitant to comply with that request. Bella continues for… *checks* two more pages about how guilty and awful she feels about asking that of him. Uh-huh. You know, Meyer, when you write your character so emphatically and profusely declaring how guilty she is for doing something and talking about how wrong it is but doing it anyway, I think it’s pretty safe to say that is a very large act to try and fool the readers. Wardo deliberates for a moment and then calls Alice to come “babysit” Bella, taking time out of this request to give his dearest a nice glare, “daring [her] to object to the word”. And remember, you walked into a door, honey. He arranges a meeting with Jasper, and it turns out Wardo is indeed going to sit out. More insisting about how she’s sorry about this whole thing, he tells her she is his “first priority”—as if, buttmunch. I’ve read the recaps of Midnight Sun. Then Bella says this: “I didn’t mean it that way—like you have to choose me over your family.

Yeah, except that’s pretty much what she made him do. She knew he wouldn’t let her be in the clearing, so she manipulated him into abandoning his family and clinging to her instead. And the block paragraph up there clearly said that she was willing to sacrifice every Cullen (and not a single mention of the werewolves, so they don’t even enter into the picture) for his sake.

Wardo babbles on about compromise—that wasn’t a compromise, you idiot—and they have a tender moment. Suddenly, Wardo brings up the third wife. So that’s what Bella’s SYMBOLIC DREAMS were about—her as the third wife.



Bella clarifies that it was just one of the stories told at the bonfire party, and suddenly Alice appears out of nowhere. First words out of her mouth: “You’re going to miss all the fun”, complete with pout. Wait for it, folks. Wardo kisses Bella goodbye and makes to prance out the door and go home, and it turns out Emmett’s happy about this development. See? He’s as eager as me to get away from Wardo, because he’s Awesome. Wardo is all long-suffering for no reason and minces off. Alice gives Bella a glare or two, and Bella is falsely contrite. Alice tells her not to worry about things, so it turns out Wardo is not upset about this because he’s worried about the family. Alice? “Edward is such a grouch when he doesn’t get his way. I’m just anticipating living with him for the next few months… I suppose, if it keeps you sane, it’s worth it. But I wish you could control the pessimism, Bella. It’s so unnecessary.

Right. He’s just mad he has to sit out and miss tearing apart a bunch of innocent newborns who don’t know any better. He’s mad he doesn’t get to kill things.

And, I’m so inured to his fits of psychopathy from reading Hyde’s recap of Midnight Sun, I just patted Wardo on the head and went on my way.

Bella points out that Alice wouldn’t let Jasper go alone, but somehow, “that’s different”. Okay, inured to Wardo I may be, but not Alice.



I friggin’ hate Alice.

She settles right into acting as Wardo’s stead by immediately bossing Bella around and ordering her about. She tells her to get upstairs and get cleaned up so Charlie won’t think she was up to anything bad last night. She does so, but not before getting in a mention of how vampires, who do not sleep, are so much more awesome than humans. And then Meyer, yet again, subtly and expertly pushes my Feminist Button: “I was entirely presentable when Charlie got home—fully dressed, hair decent, and in the kitchen putting his dinner on the table.

As usual—by itself? Who cares. It’d slide right past me in any other book. But this is Stephenie Meyer, and this is the Twilight Series, and both are saturated with some of the most misogynistic beliefs I’ve ever seen. So, instead of just reading like it would normally in any other book? All I see is that the good little wimmins is presentable because she’s attractive and in the kitchen, fixing a sandwich for The Man Of The House.

Speaking of, the minute Charlie sees Alice, he becomes a Southerner, complete with “howdy” and “hon”. But it doesn’t last long, and he falls right into kissing Alice’s ass. She talks about how the party was great, and then launches into the single most forced, obvious, contrived, and STUPID story to get Charlie to send Bella off to the Cullens’ for a pretend sleepover with Alice that weekend. And because Bella is a vapid idiot who can’t see anything either A) beyond the end of her own nose or B) outside of Wardo’s ass, she doesn’t catch on, instead choosing to tell the audience how clever Alice is and how good of an actress she is (because Bella couldn’t tell she was putting on an act—that is how you know they are clever, if they can pull the wool over that brain surgeon’s eyes!)—because she’s a vampire, after all, and nobody else can do that sort of thing. And it’s all so stupid and obviously fake I will spare you. Summed up, Bella is pretending to spend the weekend shopping with Alice. And once that is done, Wardo returns, we get two sentences regarding Charlie talking with him, and then the vampires leave. So, of course, the minute they do, Bella lies to Charlie by telling him she’s tired, because he’s a human and they suck and she doesn’t want to get their icky cooties. Upstairs she traipses, and, of course, Wardo has made himself at home. At usual.

She asks when it’s time to see the werewolves, and he says they have an hour before insisting she should sleep. WTF, dude? She just woke up probably five hours ago. Is she so exhausted that she needs to take a nap after she’s done sleeping? Anyway, she then again proves how completely and utterly stupid she is (seriously, Meyer—you are not helping your case when it comes to how awesomely smart you claim she is—or yourself, really) by not realizing that it isn’t Alice who will be kidnapping her, but Wardo. Bella’s immediate reaction?


I thought about that briefly. No Charlie listening downstairs, checking on me every so often. And no houseful of wide-awake vampires with their intrusively sensitive hearing… Just him and me—really alone.

And you know what? I actually approve. For once, Bella has a normal and perfectly reasonable teenaged-girl reaction to that kind of news.

They have a funny-ha-ha moment which I will spare you, and scene.

Off they go to the clearing. We spend a paragraph talking about how of COURSE Wardo is safe now, because he’s not going to be in the battle, and of COURSE nothing bad will happen now, and of COURSE everything’s gonna be all right, because there is no way something will go wrong, because he’s safe and away from all vampires. Right? Right. Glad we’re all on the same page.

When we hit the clearing, Jasper and Emmett are engaging in some hot and heavy manlove wrestling, while Alice and Rosalie are on the ground getting off on the very sight of their respective boyfriends having buttsex, and over there are Carlisle and Esme and I don’t care about them because they aren’t having slashy sex. Turns out there are only three werewolves here tonight, because “Sam didn’t trust [them] enough just to send Jacob”. Because three against seven, well, that’s obviously so much better. Wardo outlines what will be not-taught tonight, including dealing with several newborns at once. Bella thinks briefly on the fact that they are outnumbered by the newborns and she’s sawing off two members of the opposing team by having Seth and Wardo babysitting her, and then immediately switches over to waxing poetic about the werewolves. Or rather, waxing derogatory about the werewolves.


They weren’t monsters, even like this. They were friends. Friends who didn’t look nearly as indestructible as Emmett and Jasper did, moving faster than cobra strikes while the moonlight glinted off their granite-hard skin. Friends who didn’t seem to understand the danger involved here. Friends who were still somewhat mortal, friends who could bleed, friends who could die…

I have had it up to HERE with you constantly talking about how werewolves suck and vampires are just so awesome. You hear me, you rat-faced tard popsicle?

But then, it gets even better. Bella is all glum because—get this, guys—she actually acknowledges that Wardo doesn’t give a damn if something happens to the werewolves (knowing him, he’d probably enjoy it), that he never did care, doesn’t care, and never will care. And…that’s all the thought she gives it.

It’s incredible, you know. She just never ceases to amaze me with her ridiculous level of worship with regards to Wardo and how she pushes anything wrong he might do or think right under the rug—or, in this case, just doesn’t give a shit.

Jerkoff apparently senses my growing irritation, because that could be the only reason he might decide to saunter on over and piss me off more. After Meyer pauses to tell us how much better Wardo is than Jerkoff because he’s so polite, even in the face of Jerkoff’s antagonism (bite me), Jerkoff gets all up in Bella’s business and Wardo translates. Jerkoff wants to know why Bella’s so worried. By that, I mean he calls her stupid. What a charmer. Wardo isn’t much better, though, pointing it out strictly to make himself look better. Bella says she’s worried because the “really stupid werewolves” are going to get hurt. She’s apparently not concerned at all about any of the vampires. Which makes her freak-out and subsequent demand for Wardo to sit out utterly pointless. But, before anybody can point this out (not that they would), Wardo flounces off to go help Jasper, leaving his girlfriend with her pseudo-rapist. What a guy. I wish I had a boyfriend like that.

Jerkoff settles in beside Bella, who whines some more about how dangerous them play-fighting in the clearing is. Well, enough of that—time to start petting the pseudo-rapist. Which she promptly does, before calling him a dog, and ending the chapter by once again reminding Jerkoff to his face that, as a werewolf, he is so inferior to vampires, and telling us all about how easy her friendship with her pseudo-rapist comes to her.

I am not even going to bother.

Well, okay. Just one more time.



I’ll see you next time with Chapter 20 – Compromise. Funny title—because there is no compromise. Ever.

Paul Count: 6



Stinger: “I wondered if I was a monster. Not the kind that he thought he was, but the real kind. The kind that hurt people. The kind that had no limits when it came to what they wanted.”

( Chapter 20 - Compromise )



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