Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

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Eclipse: Chapter 13

FINALLY. After our writing project and my not wanting to do this at all, I have finally gotten the next chapter of Eclipse out. Let’s hope we don’t have such a delay between chapters, and we get back to a stable posting schedule.

Anyway, after this, we launch headfirst into Jacob the Big Furry Douche. *grimace* Not looking forward to that.

At all.



Chapter 13 – Newborn

Before we start this next chapter, allow me to remind you that it is now Story Time. You know that that means—yeah, that’s right. More dry, emotionless writing that is just so incredibly bland, even though it’s supposed to be horrifying. It also means, in this case, that we get a story told in that classic Rosalie First-Third-Person POV. I think you all remember how much I loved THAT. This one isn’t as bad as hers, granted, but it’s still quite appalling. I am just…so FRICKIN’ TIRED of the story grinding to a complete halt while Meyer drones on about some exposition that could easily have been introduced gradually and much more effectively, but, because she writes by the seat of her pants, it’s all dumped on us like the great steaming turd it is.

Dammit. *sigh* Nothing for it, though.

So, as you may remember from last time, Jasper looks like someone has been using him as a chewtoy. Bella being “exceptionally unobservant”, as quoth the Wardo (or maybe because Meyer retconned her own canon), has only just noticed this, meaning we never heard about it before either. And seeing as how when she first had to have it pointed out to her, the first thing she thought of was herself? Not surprising we haven’t—and not surprising that after this, we really won’t hear much of it again.

Anyway, Jasper begins by saying that he looks like that because venom is the only thing that leaves a scar. He doesn’t specify what it leaves a scar on, though, so it kind of falls a little flat—however, that’s important to keep in mind for Breaking Dawn. Venom leaves a scar, even on perfect sparkly vampires. Right? Right.

Well, Bella is perfectly horrified at how he looks and makes it very known, and you know, that is…incredibly tactless. I think we can all be glad that Bella never wanted to be a nurse or a doctor at this point (even though she, you know, doesn’t want to be anything except a Sparkly White Is Right Vampire. That’s beside the point). Jasper starts his story all dramatic-like, talking about how not all vampires get into this gig for the immortality (like Bella)—except Jasper calls it the “life span of the never-aging”, which is really stupid. Most of the Cullens just tune Jasper out, as he’s regaled them with this bit of drama already, but Bella is absorbed, and Wardo just sits there and stares at Bella—it’s quite obvious that he’s there to make sure that Jasper doesn’t horrify his poor helpless dearest darling, because, you know, she’s a girl, and no girl can handle stories like the one Jasper’s about to tell. Even if it isn’t all that impressive or horrifying.

So, Jasper starts talking, and I have to say, at first? This is extremely awkward. Each paragraph is only two sentences long. Not to mention that if this is setting the tenor of Jasper’s story:


"To really understand why, you have to look at the world from a different perspective. You have to imagine the way it looks to the powerful, the greedy… the perpetually thirsty.

…then I don’t think we are in for a very pleasant experience.

Although I found myself strangely reminded of Satoris from the MST The Final Sacrifice. Now if only Rowsdower would save us from all this.

Jasper continues, talking about how places where there are more humans are the best territories for vampires who want to feed without being noticed, and dammit, I’m already calling time. Meyer, you’ve established that your vampires are nomads. Why would they care about territory if they are nomadic and spend their lives wandering? *sigh* But Bella immediately brings attention to herself, being theatrically traumatized by the word “feed”, and I’m rolling my eyes. Dude—THIS IS WHAT YOU ASPIRE TO BE.

Jasper further elaborates that apparently, the northern covens (this makes no sense, completely contradictory to established canon) are cautious, while the southern covens are rather dil-nay-care and if it weren’t for the Catholics, vampires would pretty much be exposed (although if the Cullens are any indication, I’m surprised they haven’t been already). Bella is highly disapproving that Jasper would dare speak of the Catholics in a positive light, because, you know, they’re Evil. Then we get the difference between North and South.


"The North is, by comparison, very civilized. Mostly we are nomads here who enjoy the day as well as the night, who allow humans to interact with us unsuspectingly—anonymity is important to us all.

"It's a different world in the South. The immortals there come out only at night. They spend the day plotting their next move, or anticipating their enemy's. Because it has been war in the South, constant war for centuries, with never one moment of truce. The covens there barely note the existence of humans, except as soldiers notice a herd of cows by the wayside—food for the taking. They only hide from the notice of the herd because of the Volturi."

No, there is never any reason whatsoever for this discrepancy. If you were hoping there would be, you’re an idiot—and don’t get mad at me for saying that, because if you’ve been reading the whole recap thus far and you still expect some reasonable explanation for some of the shit Meyer tosses out there, you are an idiot.

That, and I’m grumpy and pissed off right now.

Bella doesn’t help the situation by stupidly asking what the vampires fight for. Jasper patiently spells it out for her, saying that they are fighting for food, and we find out that a young vampire named Benito had the idea first that if he was the only one in control of a big city, he could eat all he wanted.

‘Kay, I’m calling time again.

Um…I thought it’s established that vampires are pretty rare in the world. Considering what we hear later, about how the Catholics sweep in and destroy covens willy-nilly in order to acquire one vampire that they want, and hearing about these vampire wars now, I’m not surprised. AND, taking into account that they are the top predators, they have to be rare, otherwise humanity would be wiped out and there would be no more food left (see? Take it from Alucard, you idiots). And, of course, there is the whole “nomad” concept that Meyer likes throwing around, but clearly has no idea what it means.

In other words? I’m utterly confused, and this makes no sense. Are we surprised? No, we are not.

So, Benito started taking out covens near the border of Mexico and Texas, all because he had an army of newborn vampires. We hear about how newborn vampires are mad-crazy strong but also mad-crazy insane, and if you read this with Breaking Dawn in mind, it really reads like Meyer emphasizing newborns and their initial insanity and bloodlust so we can all be amazed when that doesn’t happen with Bella.

Well, other covens didn’t like the idea of Benito taking them all out—and yet again, none of this makes sense. Exactly how much area did he want to control? And just what was he controlling it for? Strictly food? Jasper said it was just a city—he was establishing a huge territory. And the newborns were going to be killed immediately after they served their purpose, so he wasn’t going to set himself up like the Catholics. But since when has that little thing called “character development and motivation” ever stopped Meyer from throwing stuff out there in hopes that we’ll just accept it? Anyway, after the body count amongst humans started getting ridiculous—Bella is kind enough to actually spare a small shudder for these people—the Catholics came in and cleaned up, and I’m supposed to think that they are Evil for this, because they didn’t care who had newborns or why, they just killed anybody who had them. Except I don’t—because they were quite sensibly covering up a threat of exposure. Only the Catholics headed back to Italy after a year of cleanup duty, and the wars started right back up again. Well, I can certainly see why the Catholics are so widely feared and the undisputed rulers of the vampire world. They’re so damned effective, aren’t they?

We finally get to the whole point of this story—which was, all this time, just an excuse for Meyer to explain how Jasper was changed.

He says he was seventeen and living in Texas when he joined the army in 1861 to fight the North. He claims he had to lie about his age to get in—except they were accepting sixteen-year-olds into the army during the Civil War. Phail, Meyer. And then she phails again when Jasper says that he had what his father said was charisma, but “now [he knew] it was probably something more”. So, Meyer is implying that any vampire that has an extra ability? It’s not just them having a personality trait amplified—it’s that they really do have that ability, it’s just not able to come out because of their humanity. Kind of like how she implied Alice really was seeing the future when she was a human. So, what—was Wardo really reading minds when he was a human? Whatever—it’s crap.

Back to the story. Jasper moves through the ranks fast, and then, one night, he was moving civilians to Houston to protect them from the North. And, just like when Rosalie was telling the story of when she was changed, Jasper tells his story just like hers. *pinches the bridge of her nose* I hate these books.

Anyway. Jasper finishes moving his charges, and off he goes to Galveston. I’ve been to Galveston. Nice place. Humid as hell, but really pretty, and listening to the sound of the ocean at night is lovely. Yes, I’m wandering off-topic. What’s it to you? So, Jasper’s riding around, and suddenly, look—three women on foot. And “they were, without question, the three most beautiful women [he] had ever seen”. Naturally. But it gets even better, my good chums.


"They had such pale skin, I remember marveling at it. Even the little black-haired girl, whose features were clearly Mexican, was porcelain in the moonlight. They seemed young, all of them, still young enough to be called girls. I knew they were not lost members of our party. I would have remembered seeing these three.

*stony glare*

You know, I don’t like calling people racist. I never like doing that, because that’s a buzz word these days, and entwined with Godwin’s, because we’re an overly-sensitive and far too PC culture now.

But when you say that you become the epitome of beauty and desirability by becoming white, and when you find ways to make sure that the creatures your protagonist and thus you worship to a ridiculous degree white, and especially when the only ethnic people featured in your story are either a) poor greasers or b) criminals (not to mention only offshoots of the indigenous people of North America, and thus the ethnicities mentioned in the Book of Mormon, and not a mention of anyone of African or Asian descent), I call it, and I call it hard.

*rubs head* And at that point, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to sit it out, to save this sort of thing for Breaking Dawn, but I reached my limit. There, Hyde—you finally found the point that broke me, where I had to put it down and leave. So, I won’t be recapping the rest of this chapter. Enjoy your guest recapper.

*drags him in by the back of his vest and throws him into a chair*

Sands Look, you bitch, it’s been months! And you can’t just toss me in the middle of something like this, doing something I’ve never done before, and especially when I’m right in the middle of some porn with Snape!

Mervin: You’d have a legitimate complaint if you were mutually masturbating at the time, but I know for a fact that you weren’t. You were listening to it for laughs, and hoping to embarrass Snape—which did not work, as you both just wound up riffing it. So you’re already in the mood. And besides—think of this as practice for Breaking Dawn.

Sands: *scowls mightily*

Mervin: It’s not hard. Just tell the audience what you hear, okay? And you already know the whole back story, as I keep you up to date with everything else. Now start recapping.

Sands: Someday, you whore. Someday.

Mervin: *disappears to detox*

Sands: *grumbles* Right. Jasper’s story. The Southern man, better keep your head, yeah, yeah. Sparklepires just showed up. *presses play*

So, first, one of the chick vamps titters about how great it is that the lowly human thinks they’re beautiful, and Jasper, the vampire, continues to talk about how gorgeous and beautiful and angelic and pale and fair and a lot of other irritating adjectives that do nothing but emphasize that vampires are the epitome of beauty, which is ridiculous, considering I’m the epitome of beauty and look nothing like these people. I have a tan, for one. And I gotta say—considering Jasper here’s a vampire and telling the story in a way that not only does little but talk about how great and gorgeous vampires are while not actually saying they are vampires, he’s not only pretty damned arrogant, but he also thinks we’re all fucking idiots.

However, considering he’s telling the story to Bella Bitch here, that’s really par for the course.

Our trio of white and delightsome vamps immediately starts sniffing Jasper—Jesus, and they have the nerve to call the werewolves dogs?—and— *rewinds* Yeah, that’s a bit of a discrepancy. We get all these wonderful adjectives about how gorgeous their pure white skin is, and then Meyer throws in the word “chalky”. Oh, sexy. *takes a drink of tequila* Makes sense, though—how else could people get “sexy” out of “sallow” skin, “yellow” teeth, and “greasy” hair?

Hmm…but then the Mexican who got turned white, so…Whitexican? Yeah, the Whitexican puts all of the crotch-sniffing to a halt and apparently “her voice was too soft and musical to be sharp, but that seemed to be the way she intended it”. ‘Cause she’s a chick, after all. As if a chick could have a true authoritative voice. Gah—then Jasper interrupts the dialogue by telling us how great he is. *clears throat*


"I'd always had a good sense of how people related to each other, and it was immediately clear that the brunette was somehow in charge of the others. If they'd been military, I would have said that she outranked them.

Thank you, Jasper. And thank you, Meyer, for explaining that to me. She apparently thinks that she with her all-mighty English degree must explain what she writes every other sentence for those that do not. Thanks.

*grabs his crotch* Suck it, cow.

Whitexican talks about how right Jasper looks—of course! He’s probably as white as the driven snow—then says that he’s “compelling”. Which, you know, hints that vamps have a sixth sense or some such nonsense regarding the Sue powers some of them have. Good idea in theory—‘cept I know for a fact that in Breaking Dong, or whatever it is, that there’s a vamp who’s Sueper power is to sense other vamps’ Sueper powers. Think it’s pretty safe to say that all this horse hockey is strictly a way for all vampires to marvel over Bella’s supposed potential as a vamp, and thus her inherent Sueness.

The three vamps are all excited about Jasper, and all of this reads like they wanna have a big orgy. We learn the Whitexican is named Maria, while one of the blondes—they’re interchangeable—is Nettie. Maria tells the other one to take Nettie Pot away, and Other Blonde agrees, because she apparently “[kills] them twice as often as [she keeps] them”. Must be into erotic asphyxiation. Meanwhile, Jasper, the great officer of the Southern Army, is just staring at these people who quite obviously have less-than-honorable intentions and is sitting there with his thumb up his butt rather than getting the hell out of dodge.


"My hair was standing up on the back of my neck, though I didn't understand the meaning of anything the beautiful creatures were saying. My instincts told me that there was danger, that the angel had meant it when she spoke of killing, but my judgment overruled my instincts. I had not been taught to fear women, but to protect them.

*points at him* See? That is why the South lost, people. The North had women deliver all of their orders, because if they were intercepted and captured, the South disregarded anything they carried or said because, obviously, they were women.

Off go Nettie Pot and Other Blonde, and they are apparently wearing white dresses. Man, they are the whitest whites ever. And considering they live in the woods and are constantly doing battle and were out hunting? Total fashion crime. Maria then starts questioning Jasper, asking his name. Jasper, of course, answers, because he is “unable to be impolite to a female”. Not polite enough to call her a lady, though. Sugar, have you no skill? Even if I don’t mean it, I know how to pretend to be a gentleman—and you don’t go around callin’ women females. But then Maria “inclined her head as if she were going to kiss” Jasper, which is dumb, because isn’t this chick a little girl? And, you know, over there? Sure, she took a step in Jasper’s direction, but they weren’t near each other. *waves his hand* Eh, I don’t give a shit.

So, Jasper skips the part about how you writhe in pain for a few days when you’re changed into a vampire because Ed the Dead was making a bitchface at him, and I gotta say—why are all of these people so determined to keep Bella Bitch in the dark about how horrible it is to turn into a vampire? She’s gonna be turned in a few weeks, according to their schedule. I tend to think she needs to know about that sort of thing—I mean, the CIA didn’t sugarcoat things for me. I knew the risks involved when they sent me to Mexico. And yes, Meyer—there were women in my classes.

*starts his tape back up*

Now Jasper’s a vampire. Or whatever these things are. Turns out Other Blonde is actually named Lucy. So, Maria the Whitexican, Nettie Pot, and I Love Lucy. All apparently very young, as Jasper wasn’t callin’ ‘em ladies or women—and considering this is the 1800s, that could make them fourteen or younger, if you think about it. And, as Midnight Sun establishes that vamps are frozen in time and never change, mentally or physically? I’m pretty fucking insulted that Meyer thinks I’ll buy Maria is the general of this organization, especially since it’s a complete contradiction to her sexism. Not only is a chick a big-time planner and brilliant strategist, seeking out only the strongest humans with the most potential, rather than just biting anybody, but she’s also a chick who is still pretty much in adolescence.

Which also makes Jasper’s comments about how hot she is kind of creepy. Goddammit, what is with Meyer and pedophilia? And what is with that bitch Mervin and her insisting on having me SPORK pedophilia? “Rose Potter”, “Hogwarts Exposed”, all that slash between a not-legal Harry and Snape—okay, the slash is funny, and so worth all of the hexes Snape gives me when I tell him about it—but this shit isn’t funny! Even I have my standards, and I do not tolerate pedos.

So, Maria’s building her army, while Nettie Pot and Lucy want to “increase their herd lands”. Lovely how the reformed Jasper refers to the humans as cattle, isn’t it? You’re a tit, Meyer. Maria gets her vamps trained up before setting them on people, and they are apparently “rewarded” when they do well. Jasper edits the story then, not telling us what rewarded means.

*pauses his tape again and stubs out his cigarette* Right. I think we’re supposed to assume that Maria rewarded them with people. Food—you know, that’s always good. Mervin gives me pibil when I’m good. ‘Cept, you know, I’m not assuming that. And don’t accuse me I’m just dirty-minded. These guys are all newborns, which are bloodthirsty and violent. Meaning it’s really, really stupid to starve them, because they are already pretty much starving constantly, so they wouldn’t be able to concentrate if she only fed them when it was time to reward them. And ya gotta remember yet again that Maria and her posse were described as underage.

*scratches under his glasses* Thanks for that, Meyer. And thanks to you too, Mervin. This has made my day. Only way you could make it better would be to give me a vasectomy without anesthetic.

*cues the tape back up* Maria’s army, as it turns out, is also “all male” because “Maria wanted soldiers”. ‘Cause, you know, no women ever dressed up as men and fought during the Civil War. And does this also mean she sensed no women with awesome abilities? I mean, we all have to marvel about Bella Bitch’s supposed potential, so we know in this universe a lowly woman can have strong abilities, but these three only went for men. Makes no sense, Meyer, other than the fact that you’re a female misogynist. Jasper once again takes a break to talk about how great he is, saying that he was faster and stronger than anybody else, so he was “rewarded often”. *drinks* Then he gets promoted and now he’s in charge of all the newborns. Turns out he was using his ability to keep everybody toked up and peaced out. *chokes on his drink when the next paragraph is read* Dude—what?!


"Maria grew quite fond of me—she began to depend upon me. And, in some ways, I worshipped the ground she walked on. I had no idea that any other life was possible. Maria told us this was the way things were, and we believed.

*whips off his shades and points them in the vague direction of Meyer* You listen here, you twat, there ain’t no one who would be happy if somebody forcibly turned them into a vicious blood-sucking beast and then forced them to fight her battles for her just so she could get more territory. What the fuck are you on? You see me worshipping the ground Mervin walks on, she who snatched me out of my canon and sticks me in front of shit like this and makes me do her job for her? *hollers to the ceiling* And yeah, I know you’re listenin’! *shoves his glasses back on* Meyer, my right nut has more brains than you, and it’s not even as big as the left! *slams the recorder back on*

Maria and her army of vamps head to Monterrey, and they take out the vampires there fast with very few casualties. So, naturally and immediately, Maria gets greedy and wants other cities now. In a year, she manages to control Texas and northern Mexico. Uh-huh. And what are you gonna do with all that land, I ask? A vampire wanting control over a city, I understand. A vampire wanting control over a whole state, not so much. And a vampire wanting control over an entire country, absolutely not. All they’re using their territory for is food. Me? I ran Mexico for lots of reasons. Money, people, resources—I had an extensive network in all corners with a reason for each and every pawn. And I had the means to control it. Which begs the question—how the hell did our precocious little vampire Maria keep her territory for as long as she did? Texas isn’t small, and she is controlling the whole state and part of Mexico, and all she’s got behind her are twenty or so vampires. Don’t care how godlike you make your little avatars, Meyer—it ain’t workin’.

Naturally, other vampires came charging up to kick her out of her territory, lots of fighting was happening, and people feared the Volturi—eh, not callin’ them that, it’s incredibly laughable—the Voles would come back. *scratches head* And I gotta wonder, if this Maria chick, with only one vampire that had a halfway decent ability, was able to take over a much, much bigger territory than the Voles have, why haven’t they themselves been dislodged yet, and why is everybody scared of those pussies? Anyway. Soon, all that’s left of this original coven is Maria and Jasper, but the wars were all still going on, mostly because everybody was pissy at each other: “So many had lost their partners, and that is something our kind does not forgive…” Because there are absolutely no tales at all of human beings seeking vengeance for someone or something murdering their partners. Not like I come from a canon that features a guy doing just that, right? Only Meyer’s vampires are awesome enough to have that level of devotion and love, eh?

But there’s a fly in the ointment now—Jasper’s not happy with his life anymore. Yeah, he worshipped Maria when they were winning, now that they’ve been shoved back to one city? It’s not fun anymore! I hate this little pissant. Then Jasper meets a guy named Peter, a newborn who was somehow civilized. Not gonna pretend to make any sense of this—Meyer could’ve said he was a mime and it would’ve been just as logical and fit in just as well with the story. I also would’ve believed it just as much. *makes obscene gestures*

One night, while Petey and Jasper are disposing of the current batch of newborns, Petey has a shitfest when they summon Charlotte—oh, so strictly for the sake of this contrivance, suddenly they are accepting women into the newborn vampire army, even though it’s established that they want only big strong superior men for fighting purposes. Uh-huh. Mimes, I tell you. Petey tells Charlotte to run and runs after her, so Jasper let’s ‘em go. For the five years those two are wandering around doing their thing, Jasper’s getting ready to kill Maria for no reason that I can see other than that Maria is getting irritated with Jasper being all mopey—which is also for no reason. But then our two vamps return and tell Jasper all about the superior north, because northern vampires are superior to southern ones. Yeah, you Southern Men are all a bunch of racists bastards, members of the KKK, living in wooden shacks with no plumbing! You bunch of hillbillies! Jasper is intrigued, and— *rewinds several times* Yeah, this makes no sense.


"In one conversation, he had me convinced. I was ready to go, and somewhat relieved I wouldn't have to kill Maria. I'd been her companion for as many years as Carlisle and Edward have been together, yet the bond between us was nowhere near as strong. When you live for the fight, for the blood, the relationships you form are tenuous and easily broken. I walked away without a backward glance.

He worshipped the ground she walked on, and then he was going to kill her, but now he’s relieved he doesn’t have to kill her, but has no bond with her at all. Not to mention that Carlisle and Ed the Dead have been cruising around together for eighty-eight years. He says he was with Maria for the same amount of time. I, however, have done my research. According to the Twilight time line?

Jasper joined Maria in 1863. He left Maria in 1885.

*raised eyebrows* Apparently, in this strange little world, 23 = 88. That is so good to know. Meyer, I know you seriously failed science. Now we know you have also failed math.

*starts back up* Jasper’s traveling around with Peter and Charlotte now. But he’s still all mopey and emo, and the other two seem to notice that he only gets this way when he hunts.

*snickering* Now, this next bit? Way, way too good to not let you guys see in its entirety. It’s huge, but hey—I’ll read it to you. Check this out. *clears throat and cues up the tape again*


"I contemplated that. In so many years of slaughter and carnage, I'd lost nearly all of my humanity. I was undeniably a nightmare, a monster of the grisliest kind. Yet each time I found another human victim, I would feel a faint prick of remembrance for that other life. Watching their eyes widen in wonder at my beauty, I could see Maria and the others in my head, what they had looked like to me the last night that I was Jasper Whitlock. It was stronger for me—this borrowed memory—than it was for anyone else, because I could feel everything my prey was feeling. And I lived their emotions as I killed them.

"You've experienced the way I can manipulate the emotions around myself, Bella, but I wonder if you realize how the feelings in a room affect me. I live every day in a climate of emotion. For the first century of my life, I lived in a world of bloodthirsty vengeance. Hate was my constant companion. It eased some when I left Maria, but I still had to feel the horror and fear of my prey.

"It began to be too much.

"The depression got worse, and I wandered away from Peter and Charlotte. Civilized as they were, they didn't feel the same aversion I was beginning to feel. They only wanted peace from the fight. I was so wearied by killing—killing anyone, even mere humans.

"Yet I had to keep killing. What choice did I have? I tried to kill less often, but I would get too thirsty and I would give in. After a century of instant gratification, I found self-discipline… challenging. I still haven't perfected that."

*pauses his tape* Yeah. You all get that? I can’t stop laughing over here, myself. ‘Cause not only does Meyer expect me to believe all that moose shit, but I’m pretty sure she believes it herself.

Guys, watch me to do a magic trick. I am going to completely dismantle and take down all of that text up there with only two—count ‘em—two textual examples from Meyer’s writing.

First! *waves his hands* Jasper was beyond willing to go suck Bella’s blood in Midnight Sun.

Second! A quote from only one chapter previous: “It was my unspoken assumption that he was only there for Alice. I had the sense that he would follow Alice anywhere, but that this lifestyle was not his first choice. The fact that he was less committed to it than the others was probably why he had more difficulty keeping it up.”

Ta-da! Stick around, I’m here all night.

But I have a BONUS! If you don’t believe a bit of that up there, I can pull two WORDS—yes, words—from that very block of text that will completely kill his argument as well!

“I was so wearied by killing—killing anyone, even mere humans.”

*lolls in his chair and guffaws* Ooooooooh, yeah, Jasper. I believe you’re reformed. “Mere humans”, indeed. Heh. How soon these jackasses forget that they were once human, eh? But Meyer’s been able to explore the human condition about as well as I’ve been keeping it in my pants.

Then Jasper gets all cheerful, and then switches gears completely to the story of how he met that twee little twit Alice. *spits* Can’t stand Alice. Jasper went into a diner to get out of a rainstorm in Philadelphia, and it turns out Alice was in there. She marched right up to him and started yammering on about how long he kept her waiting, and rather than look at her like she was out of her mind, he actually apologized for it, and stupidly just went along with her immediately. Because, after all, everybody has a soulmate, and once you find them, you automatically know it and don’t have to worry about getting to know them at all. Just instant love and trust and affection! Jesus jumped-up Christ. Jasper and Alice immediately start traveling together, and then immediately go hunting for Carlisle, because turns out Alice had a vision of them, too. *pauses the tape again*

Hey, Meyer. You said Alice’s visions were based on choice. I can understand maybe the part about her Seeing herself with Jasper in the future, as maybe he’d made an active decision to go to Philadelphia, or there were active decisions involved with what they were doing. But the part about Carlisle? No. Not to mention that we never hear about how that dumb bitch stopped eating people and started eating animals herself. *presses play again*

Alice and Jasper travel cross-country until they find the Cullens. Ed the Dead wasn’t home at the time, and it turns out that that stupid, vapid bitch just waltzed up to the house and demanded a room. Am I supposed to think this is amusing, Meyer? Well, you are indeed a clown, sweetcheeks, but you do not amuse me. *takes aim for her kneecaps*

But it’s okay. Turns out the rest of the Cullens bent over backwards to please her immediately, even though they had no idea who she was, where she came from, or if she was lying, and gave her Ed the Dead’s room while he was out, because he was the only one who couldn’t do anything about them kicking him out of his room.

Meyer needs to learn that her rampant stupidity physically hurts people, man.

Oh, goodie! Bella Bitch inserts herself for the first time to talk about how that was a nice story. Well, the one with Alice, anyway. And then these people finally realize the whole point of that very long, very ridiculous, and very unnecessary story up there—because, in all honesty, did we really need all of Jasper’s backstory just to learn about vampire armies? No, we did not. That’d be like me delivering a history of Mexico, but first telling you all about this one time I found a dead rat and stuck it in my sister’s underwear drawer once. It eventually leads to the history of Mexico, to be sure! But has very little to actually do with it. Oh, and I think you should know that nobody except Ed the Dead—and he cheated—has figured out that Jasper is telling this story again because he suspects that the whole newborn army thing is was is going on with the vamps in Seattle. I think I understand Meyer’s reasoning now for making them invincible, because they obviously have to be to make sure they don’t die from how utterly brain dead they all are.

Alice asks why Jasper wouldn’t tell her, at least. Personally, I’m wondering why he didn’t tell anybody at all, not just that bitch. But I know the answer—we needed to pad out the plot. Jasper says he thought he was reading it wrong, couldn’t find a motive, blah-be-dee-blah, it’s definitely an army up there, and why is nobody thinking about the motive, you people are stupid. We all apparently want to avoid Vole involvement, so the only option to do just that is to go kill all of the newborns. Ed the Dead finally points out that maybe the army was made to destroy them, and Esme—Christ, I would dearly love to gun-fuck her—babbles that maybe they’re after Tanya, since they’re near Seattle, too, after all. Yeah, they’re about as close to Mexico, too—maybe they’re just making an army for the Southern vampire wars, you fucktard. *growls* Then Alice chimes in and insists they aren’t coming for the Cullens, because, after all, she is the Infallible Alice who Knows Everything. Then you can just hear the dramatic orchestra chord as she backtracks and says maybe the newborns JUST DON’T KNOW IT!!!! Intrigue! Or not. She says that she has “been getting these strange flashes”, “as if someone’s changing their mind” super-fast.

Although I gotta wonder, if Victoria—no, I am not putting up a pretense that we don’t know who it is—decided to make a newborn army to destroy the Cullens way back at the first of this book, wouldn’t that twee twat have seen a vision of THAT?

Ed the Dead has another shitfit and says it’s gotta be someone who knows all about Alice’s powers already, so, of course, they all immediately accuse the Voles. While it’s incredibly contrived and just Meyer frantically waving in one direction hoping we won’t look in the other, I have to say, this is a point you might have to agree with ‘em on. Because…when the hell did Victoria or James or anybody ever find out about Alice’s ability? How would they know how to play with that? They’d have to have an in depth knowledge of how she works. There is no way any of these bad vampires that are ACTUALLY doing this shit would know that.

Alice says it can’t be them, she would’ve seen them coming, it’s suggested maybe they hired somebody to do it as a favor, which she still would’ve seen, because that’s a decision, and I see that the book has finally just thrown up its hands and said, “I just don’t know.” Ed the Dead starts his drama speech then, saying how the Voles have a perfect motive, because Aro is all put out with the Cullens’ growing family and wants Ed and Alice. Let it be known that I despise those tenth-rate so-called “villains” that are the Voles, and their supposed love of power.

*points his cigarette at Aro* I could dismantle your organization from the inside out, turn every human in your town against you, and have an angry mob with torches and pitchforks marching on your castle within three months. I’ve done that. No powers, no invincibility, no immortality, no nothin’. *leans back* That is power and ambition, my little crap cupcake. Sit on that and spin.

So Bella is swooning at the mere thought of her beloved Eddie with his eyes “cold and blood-red”, never mind that they were for a few years back in the twenties and he’s not sorry about it, but that was reasonable. They argue on this point for a while, but Jasper finally tells them all that this is stupid, it’s not the Voles. Frat Boy demands they all leave immediately and go kick some vampire ass. *pauses again*

Mervin probably didn’t point this out because she loves him so, and occasionally turns a blind eye to the few characters she actually likes in these shitfests, but are any of these people thinking of the newborns themselves? I mean, I wouldn’t—but the Cullens are these virtuous saints. And they’re all for destroying a bunch of people who didn’t want to be vampires and are only killing because they don’t know any better. Don’t feel really sorry for them at all.

*sucks on his cigarette* I’m an arrogant jackass. I’m an asshole. I’d kick your dog. I’d piss on your boots. I’d stab you in the back—literally. I’d kill your wife in front of you and then sue you and land you in jail when you tried to attack me in a rage and get away with it. But that’s the point. I know it. I indulge it. I cultivate it.

*waves his cigarette at the Cullens* They’re all pretty much on par with me—except for one, not-so-minor discrepancy: They’re all pretending to be good and noble about it. Hmm…isn’t the line “putting on white hats and pretending to be saints” a line from Meyer in Breaking Dawn with regards to the Voles? Well, color me amused.

*presses play* Bella blathers to herself that they’re all missing something. Yeah, somebody stole their community brain cell, obviously. Jasper says they will definitely need help taking down a newborn army, and asks Carlisle to phone up Tanya’s clan and see if they’ll come on down. He apparently has them on speed dial, explains the situation, and then, drama. Turns out the Alaskan vampires won’t help because one of them—Irina—was boning Laurent, who got killed cheaply and conveniently off-screen by the werewolf pack in the previous book, if you’ll recall. We actually have a brief interlude telling us about this, complete with quotes and mentions of Victoria. No, they don’t make the connection, if you were wondering.

Here’s where things get stupid (again) for the sake of drama. Turns out that Irina somehow has big control over the entire clan up in Alaska, because nobody will come down to help them because she’s pissy. And the reason she won’t come down and help the Cullens is because the werewolves killed Laurent to save Bella Bitch. So, basically, Meyer tied us in knots to make it all about Bella Bitch again. Lovely. So, they say that they’ll help if they all traipse down to La Push and kill all of the werewolves first. Wouldn’t that be lovely. Upon Bella’s dramatic “No!” we get this from Ed.


"Don't worry," he told me in a flat voice. "Carlisle would never agree to it." He hesitated, then sighed. "Nor would I. Laurent had it coming" —this was almost a growl— "and I still owe the wolves for that."

Heh. Revealing, don’t you think? If it weren’t for Laurent, he’d actually be amiable to the idea of going down and destroying the werewolves. The only reason he can’t is simply because he owes them. Kind of like me. I keep a lot of the people I know alive simply because I owe them. Until I decide I don’t want to owe them anymore. Then I just shoot ‘em.

Jasper talks about how they’re too evenly matched and they’ve got skill but the newborns have numbers, whatever shall we do. We end on this bit of forced—no, it’s not drama. Not even angst.


I wanted to scream out loud as I grasped what Jasper meant.

We would win, but we would lose. Some wouldn’t survive.

I looked around the room at their faces—Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rose, Esme, Carlisle… Edward—the faces of my family.

Her parents don’t count. They’re humans, and humans suck.

*slams off the tape* Now you put me right back where you found me—I was on my couch with Snape and with my pants OFF!



Stinger: “"I was so wearied by killing—killing anyone, even mere humans."”

( Chapter 14 - Declaration )



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