Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Midnight Sun: Chapter 7

Hyde would like to apologize for taking so long with the next chapter of her Midnight Sun recap. My last post elaborating upon what she actually has been working on is somewhat of a reasonable justification, I believe. But, here it is. The next chapter. At least this one has serious, SERIOUS lulz.



Chapter 7: Melody

Okay—so, last chapter, Wardo spent the whole time obsessing over Bella (wow, that’s new) because now he LAAAHHHHHVVVVVES her, and he manifests this by becoming even more violently sociopathic and controllingly abusive than before. I guess with that trend in mind, the engine-dismantling is only the logical progression of things. So—shall we press on?

Again, this is a new chapter title that we haven’t seen from Twilight, meaning it’s all new stuff—and frankly, it’s all “Growing Up Cullen” stuff. Seriously, guys—it’s canon.

We open with Wardo driving back to school after forcibly taking Bella home. School isn’t out yet, so he takes the time to sit in the car by himself and smell Bella’s scent some more—great, huh? He’s sitting out here to ponder this idea of attraction between them. That’s right, people—physical attraction between the two is only coming up after he’s decided that he loves her. Dear God, no wonder the Harmoanians flocked to this series after their HBP wank and flounce.

Wardo is trying to figure out if all of Bella’s physical responses to him are in any way like the women he knows want his body—you know, since he’s obsessed (and is still obsessing) over her every move, he does in fact notice things like her heart and her breathing speeding up. Of course, he says, there is no way that Bella the Unique and Special Snowflake could have been having those kinds of dirty thoughts about him like Jessica has. Bella is a good Mormon girl and would never think about premarital sexings (which is just funny if you know what goes on in Eclipse, not to mention all of her alluding to dirty dreams in Twilight).

SMeyer fails again because, when Wardo imagines Bella in place of Jessica’s naughty fantasies, his breathing speeds up. WRONG. But I was distracted by the continuity error by the hilarious implication before it. So, he was privy to all of Jessica’s dirty thoughts about him, and one would assume the associated emotional and physical responses? Just what would you guys think any teenaged boy would do if he got to sit in on a girl’s sexual fantasy about him? Honestly—he’d be all over that, and probably be turned on, or at least idly intrigued. Yes, I know that Wardo would probably be tired of listening to such things, but even then—it’s gotta be a shot to the ego, and I’d think any boy would at least listen in a little bit and enjoy it on some level.

Not Wardo! Not only did he want nothing to do with said fantasies, but he was actively “repulsed” by them.

GAY.

It only gets worse—and subsequently more hilarious—as Wardo has a nice little fantasy about Bella, and it’s painfully obvious that it was written by a woman with no skill in characterization, because yes, it reads like a harlequin romance novel from the POV of the plucky heroine, and not that of a teenaged boy. Seriously, guys—you gotta see this to believe it:


What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragile body? Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under her chin? Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face? Tracing the shape of her full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to hers, where I could feel the heat of her breath on my mouth? Moving closer still…



LOL. The only thing that is missing is the heaving bosom—but we all know that there are no dirtypillows in SMeyerLand.

Then Wardo PMSes some more, shying away from such naughty thoughts because he is a good Mormon boy because he’ll grow hair on his palms because oh, he could hurt Bella if he did that. He’s all torn about it, because he does want Bella to want his bod, but it’s bad news, because he’s “already too attracted to Bella in the worst way”. And honestly, I really couldn’t decide to be creeped out over the stalking and abusive implications of that remark, or just laugh at the unintentional sexual innuendo on the heels of the Danielle Steel excerpt up there. So I just ignored it and went on.

He angsts, because he wants Bella to want him, and now, out of nowhere, he wants to be human. Uh, Wardo? You’ve spend the entire book up to now despising and deriding humans—and then spend the rest of this book and the other three doing the same thing. Where did this come from?

From his peen, that’s where—he then says he only wants to be human so he can fantasize about her. Pfft. Some Mormon you are. And what’s stopping you as a vampire from fantasizing about her anyway? Other than the fact that you’re gay, of course.

Then he’s all emo, hanging his head in his hands for his “indefensible” pursuit of Bella. Woe. It’s all so dreadfully confusing for him, to be attracted to a girl instead of boys. He tells us that he was only thinking about WWI all the time as a teenager back when he was human. Never mind that US opinion of involvement in that war was never as dramatic as for WWII, being in the middle of a serious period of isolationism and very much anti-war right up until we joined in 1917—apparently all he wanted was to join up like some kind of Civil War Southerner. Apparently, that was enough to make him not even bother with girls, never to feel any other “kind of yearning”—at all, even at seventeen. Yeah, right.

GAY.

He angsts some more, wanting to touch Bella in her hoo-haw but he says he can’t (you didn’t have any trouble when you were jerking her around and shoving her in your car, asshole) and then, being so wrapped up in his private little wangst-fest, doesn’t notice when Emmett shows up. Emmett is, naturally, Awesome, laughing about sneaking up on Wardo and telling him that he’s been so crazy lately that his teachers probably think he’s on drugs. *hearts Emmett*

Wardo is all evasive when he asks what he was doing, but Emmett then smells the car—remember, Bella isn’t just bacony to Wardo; apparently, she’s so special and stuff that every vampire everywhere just wants to nom all over her (which, given that vampirism is typically a sexual metaphor, rather than a Mormon one, that’s a nice and infuriating parallel to all of the human boys wanting Bella, ain’t it?). Emmett recognizes the smell (what do Mormons smell like, anyway?) and remarks on how Sueish tasty it is, and Wardo actually growls at him*.

Kick his ass, Emmett!

Well, he doesn’t, but he’s still Awesome, because tells him to take a chill pill and pretty much ignores his little hissy (and I notice that Wardo didn’t get into a snit when Alice said Bella smelled good and implied that he was having a Bella, lettuce, and tomato sandwich in Twilight, chapter fifteen—which isn’t at all funny, BTW, given that they all live in fear of Wardo doing just that—and then went on to imply that she wanted a bite).

*On a side note: I was trying to think of a good picture, something that could go there as a nice illustration of how sick that was, so I ran a generic Google image search on the words “possessive and jealous”, and just you guess what came up. THIS:



HA.

Anyway, everyone else shows up; Rosalie is bitchy, Jasper wants to eat Bella because she’s tasty and Wardo gets pissy (and is contemptuous of his poor control again, because he can be), and Alice shows up ready to take Bella’s truck home, because she lives to serve, like a good little wimmins. I just got annoyed again, because then Alice pretty much explicitly spells out that she only see’s the “whats” of an event, never the “whys”, which further goes against her “foreseeing” being Bella’s friend or Wardo being in love with her (I wonder if she saw that the two of them were going to kidnap her and hold her hostage, though?).

Wardo has to follow Alice back to Bella’s house—I think it’s ostensibly to give Alice a ride back home and not make her run in the rain, but it really just came across as more stalking. There’s a nice bit of unintentional humor at Bella’s expense; Wardo is obsessing and wondering if she’ll come out to look at the sound of her truck, but he doesn’t see her and fusses that he can’t just peep in her mind like with everyone else, and says that in her case “there were no thoughts to hear”. *snickers*

But then I get pissed again—he’s “sad that [he] couldn’t hear enough to check on her”. LEAVE HER ALONE, YOU CHAUVANISTIC ASSHOLE. She can take care of herself!

Well, any other normal human being could. Bella’s stupid enough that his behavior is almost warranted. Note that I said “almost”—even an idiot of her caliber doesn’t need this.

Anyway, we get a nice little condensing of the time that it takes to get home. Granted, I agree that it should be condensed or skipped altogether, because it isn’t important, but it’s done rather badly, and is just very dry, pointless filler. They get home and we have to listen to even more filler detail all about what they’re doing, and how special and better than you all the vampires are, what with all their awesome and expensive stuff and brilliant and intelligent pastimes—it would have pissed me off, if we hadn’t had a nice GUC moment with Emmett and Jasper playing together. It’s chess, but they’re playing on eight boards at once, and it’s their “own elaborate game…[with] their own complicated set of rules” (I like to think the loser gets kickboxed to death). By itself, it would have annoyed me—see how smart and wonderful and superior the sparklepires are?—if it weren’t for the next line, when Wardo says that “they wouldn’t let [him] play; only Alice would play games with [him] anymore”. That’s because you’re a total Scrabble Nazi, Wardo—no one wants to play with that.

Although then I get annoyed with Jasper again, because Alice starts using her gift to tell Jasper Emmett’s moves ahead of time like Jill Masterson in Goldfinger. I suspect it’s meant to be cute and silly, but it doesn’t read like that and they both honestly appear to be totally fine with cheating like that. Assholes.

Anyway, Wardo then, for the first time in a long time, so long a time that “[he] felt ashamed”—oh, you bad boy, not working to improve yourself!—goes over to the piano. No, the “exquisite” piano. Strap in, everybody.

He farts around with it a bit—it’s still in perfect tune, but honestly, did you expect anything else of any of the Cullens’ stuff? And then he starts playing—remember that Music Fail I mentioned last time? Here it is.

Although—we have to pause for a whole ‘nother brand of fail, first. I kid you not—the whole house paused, and they put a hand to their ear, because GASP! OH, EDWARD IS COMPOSING AGAIN. Seriously. It’s like, everyone goes into the paroxysms of stunned and joyous amazement because Wardo is tickling the ivories again. This is supposed to be everyone all OMG they can’t believe that Wardo is friends with Snape is coming back to life again after his soul has been so barren, a desolate wasteland upon which the bloody tears of the angels rained in unceasing torrents. Me? I just want to know what the hell he had to be emo about in the first place. He has nothing but contempt for humans, so I don’t believe that he was angsting about being a monster. He has shown exactly zero remorse for his Dark Time when he flounced off and ate people, so I don’t think it’s that either. Best I can tell, he was just simply incapable of being happy because he was single.

Bitch.

But wait! There’s more! Remember how I’ve mentioned that Rosalie’s character (what little there is) has been slaughtered in the name of Scary Sue-dom? Well, here’s the absolute limit. Rose is, of course, like everyone else, all SHOCKED and AMAZED that Wardo is composing again, only she’s royally pissed off about it. And through some way that we’re not clear on and will likely not be able to find out, she’s apparently been hiding the reason all this time—turns out she’s being the Ultimate Scary Sue and is jealous and mad at Bella for having the nerve to attract Wardo when she couldn’t!

Yeah—that’s crap. But that’s not what makes it the Ultimate. What makes it the Ultimate is that we are told that that was the reason Rose wanted to ice Bella. She honestly wanted to kill an innocent girl just to salve her Scary Sue jealousy and vanity.

Gawd, I hate SMeyer. And yes, I’m blaming her for that, not Rose. That has got to be one of the most ridiculous bits of Scary Sue-dom I have ever seen, right up there with Maria Higgins wanting to join Voldemort just for the opportunity to kill Airhead.

Rose is naturally “chagrin[ned]” to be found out about this, and she flounces off, and then we have to listen to the composition of Bella’s Lullaby. And it is one big ball of fail, at least to my mind. I play the piano—not well, but enough to know a bit about it, and about music. At I dunno about you guys, but frankly this whole scene comes off as being written by someone who doesn’t know a thing about it. But not knowing Shinola from that other stuff has never stopped SMeyer before, so why would it be a problem here?

I don’t know what it is about it—it just…pisses me off. He writes music like one writes words. Like it’s nearly all effortless, just a matter of phrasing yourself correctly. Everyone gathers around, because it’s all just so wonderful, and they ask stupid questions like if “there’s a story to it”, and yes, while I know music can have stories, this just comes across as so affected and stupid.

Well, it’s definitely that last point, because it is of course a nice segue for Wardo to realize that yes, Virginia, there is a story! It’s about Bella, as he watches her sleep, with her “hair thick and wild and twisted like seaweed”.



Hawt, yo.

So, yes, Wardo is all moved, and oh, but now that he knows his inspiration he knows his song!

Wardo, I think this song has already been written. You know, the one you quoted a few days ago, about every breath she takes and ever word she says.

Alice and Jasper and Esme are all gathered around in awe at Wardo’s playing, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or shriek when Esme is standing there gripping his shoulders and stroking his hair (and I was totally waiting for the aromatherapy bath salts) Wardo comments that it was “a very great pleasure” for her to hear him playing again—DUDE, THAT’S HOW HE SAID EMMETT AND JASPER DESCRIBE THE SEXY-TIME IN BREAKING DAWN! *horrified laugher*

Then Alice adds something to it, and Wardo keeps playing, making up new bits as he goes along, and it all sounds so fake! Superficial and bland, and clearly written with no technical information, just Wardo playing like he’s talking. Composition is WORK, SMeyer—improvising on an existing and known melody is one thing, but writing music takes time and effort and corrections—I don’t know of anyone who just composes on the fly like this! Is this meant to show me how much better vampires are than me? Or is this you playing up Wardo’s skill to the level of the myth from Amadeus, that Mozart’s compositions sprung fully-formed into his head and he wrote them without correction?

Yeah—he’s Mozart, all right.



We end the song on a stretch of purple prose describing the scene complete with Wardo striking a pose at the end of the song, and it really just made me envision him looking like Liberace, and then we’re done. He apparently composed a whole new original song in a matter of minutes. At this point, I simply decided that it wasn’t anything intentional and that SMeyer is simply an idiot.

And then Esme, who is already on my list, then becomes SMeyer’s mouthpiece for Wanking For Wardo, and says/thinks this at him:


It’s going to be fine, Edward. It’s going to work out for the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.


[…]


You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a quandary. You are the best and brightest of us all.

Well, after I finished puking my guts up, my first question regarding the first quote was WHY??!!! WHAT THE HELL HAS THIS ASSHOLE EVER DONE THAT WARRANTS HIM DESERVING HAPPINESS??!!! JUST WHY IN GOD’S NAME DOES ANYONE OWE HIM ANYTHING??!!!

And my second thought was that, oh, yeah, it’ll work out for the best—an innocent girl will wind up dead or forcibly vamped out! What the hell?! Just so long as Wardo isn’t gay or single—which was my third beef, because jeez, why are single people not allowed?! Why does he have to have him a wimmins to be happy?!

And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, we had to hear SMeyer fapping away over Wardo’s wonderfulness. Gad, no wonder this asshole has an ego the size of Texas, if people just sit here and inflate his head like that. Oh, and there’s more of that strangely adult-baby behavior between Wardo and Esme—dude, the guy’s an adult. What’s more, he’s almost exactly your age—meaning he’s over 100. You can drop the family fantasy.

But no, apparently, she can’t—she’s still all just over the moon that Wardo’s “heart had finally been touched after all this time”. Read: that he isn’t gay. And, of course, she says, “she’ll have to love you back”.

No doubt. Free will? What’s that?



*snarls*

We get some annoying crap that’s supposed to be family bonding, but SMeyer can’t resist throwing in some more Wardo-praise, talking about what a gentleman he is (yeah—just look at him breaking and entering a girl’s bedroom while she’s asleep). Frankly, I think this is more evidence of SMeyer having no idea what’s going on with regard to music, because Wardo and Alice screw around and play what on the piano together? Chopsticks and Heart and Soul. There is nothing wrong with those, but those are probably the two most common and well-known easy songs that are often played as a duet—see Big, as an example. Meaning, anyone would know them, even someone who knew nothing else about music nor any other songs that could be played as a duet. And these from her immortal, wonderful, better-than-thou vamps? That’s the best they could come up with?

Yeah—SMeyer doesn’t know jack about music.

Then we all have to gag as Wardo plays Esme’s “favorite song, an unnamed tribute to the love [he]’d watched between her and Carlisle for so many years”. Undoubtedly, this will be followed by a play by Emmett and Jasper, wherein the main antagonist is ostensibly “Da Man”, but the story just devolves into them kickboxing each other.

Wardo doesn’t really pay much attention to this supposed loving tribute, instead taking the time to think about Rosalie, to be smug and condescending towards her, thinking how she is “a thousand times more petty” than him (which makes his own petty bitchiness okay, I guess. Maybe that’s how he writes off his murders, too. “Well, yeah, I killed people, and I’m not sorry about it in the slightest—but look at that Dahmer character over there!”), generally being mocking and derisive and making fun of her and pretty much confirming that she hasn’t changed at all from the shallow, self-centered Scary Sue brat she used to be, completely at odds with her character one-eighty in Eclipse.

Wardo is totally gay smug about not having the hots for Rose. And he really didn’t have any reason not to aside from being totally gay, either—he just didn’t. Which is stupid, if Rose really is that hot. This goes back to what I’ve said before—the reason that he never had any interest in anyone could be played up as a consequence of his gift and could have been quite good and believable—that Edward is never alone because of the voices in his head, and yet is always alone, because he’s never had the opportunity to get to know someone and fall in love, because with his ability he always instantly knows everything about everyone, from their good points to their bad. But no—it wasn’t her personality or anything that ran him off (although, you know, he never got to know Bella, either, and she never got to know him, so it’s par for the course for personality to mean nothing in a Mormon relationship), so I guess he was just immune and gay and was never at all interested because he was waiting for Bella, his One True Love Sealed in the Temple for Time and All Eternity, “whose beauty touched [him] in a way hers did not”. Although, you know—apparently it was okay that Jasper and Carlisle weren’t ever interested at all either—because they were married, I guess.

SMeyer—I have news for you. MEN LOOK. Even MARRIED MEN. And you know, your little public wank fantasy here is more than enough evidence that WOMEN LOOK, TOO.

Unless they’re gay, like Wardo here.

Wardo continues to be an asshole, mentioning how “insignificant” humans are (except Bella!), and then completes the circle-jerk by waxing lyrical over SMeyer/Bella’s beauty, and then Alice kills his buzz by jumping in with a vision. Turns out some of Jasper’s buddies, the other True Love Sealed in the Temple vamps Peter and Charlotte from down Mexico way are coming to visit.

Well, Wardo just about shits a brick, to use Mervin’s turn of phrase. He’s in total dramatic prairie dog mode over them coming near his property woman, because she’s just such a Sue that she smells nommy to everyone.

Alice points out that it shouldn’t be a problem, because they won’t hunt in Forks, and everyone is totally blasé about the fact that these two eat people—or rather, they eat “the normal way”, they say, which totally objectifies their prey and just reinforces my belief that the Cullens are just a bunch of smug contrarians who have no consciences, but just want to lord their perceived superiority over everyone else.

Well, whatever they are, or whatever the visiting vamps are, no one is gonna look at his woman. He stands up abruptly and orders Emmett to get up, because they’re leaving. They were scheduled to head out on their hunting trip the following morning and come back on Monday, but since the Naughty Vamps are coming then, Wardo demands that they leave now so he can be back by Sunday night to get back to his busy schedule of following Bella for her own safety.

Emmett tells him he’s crazy (because he’s Awesome) and runs off to say goodbye to Rose. Esme tells Wardo to play the new song again—making the “very great pleasure” remark worse and worse—and then we have a nice sprinkle of what, in the hands of another author, would be a fantastically subtle bit of obsession: Wardo finds it easier to play when he pulls out the treasured saved bottlecap from his and Bella’s last convo—because it reminds him of her saying “yes”.

*creeped*

So, the scene changes, and we are now in “Growing Up Cullen”. NO, I AM NOT KIDDING. Remember how I said that this was the book that totally made it canon? And I mentioned at the first of this segment that this was the chapter that totally makes it canon? Well, this is the SCENE that totally makes it canon. I mean, canon like woah—even more than the preceding one

We open up with Wardo and Emmett on their hunting trip, and Wardo is being all long-suffering over Emmett’s antics—and do you know why?

BECAUSE HE’S WRESTLING A BEAR.


DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW AWESOME THAT IS.

Even SMeyer’s incredibly stupid writing and concept of vampire skin—she makes the bear’s claws “squeal across his skin” (are they made or marble or diamond, SMeyer? Can I write on Emmett like a chalkboard, or what?)—can’t distract me, because when the bear roars at Emmett, he FREAKING ROARS RIGHT BACK AT IT.


Emmett is like RPattz, really—just when I think that he’s reached his peak, that he can’t get any more Awesome—he gets more Awesome.

Wardo is all pained and resigned and patronizing while he watches Emmett be Awesome (you’re just jealous, asshole), laughing and wrestling with the bear before totally nomming on it. Then he comes over, all bloodied and mangled and a total mess and grinning the whole time—man, I love this guy.

And then I about died laughing, because Wardo, with this long-suffering air, tells Emmett that “[he is] such a child”.


Wardo: YES, I AM TREATING YOU LIKE A CHILD, EMMETT. WHY? BECAUSE I MUST.

~ “Growing Up Cullen

LOL

Emmett derides Wardo’s hunting skills, because he’s all pristine, and Wardo primly tells him that he did too manage to catch something—he just doesn’t “eat like a savage”.


Wardo: I AM NOT A HEATHEN.

~ “Growing Up Cullen

Emmett just rolls his eyes and gripes about how he has to fight with his food because he never gets to have a real fight, because Wardo cheats and tries to unman him and Esme gets mad if he and Jasper really get going playing Civil War in their fort in the backyard.

Wardo makes fun of him, and Emmett tries to get him to “turn it off” and fight fair without using his abilities—I’d advise you against it, Emmett, because Wardo’s a biter and that ain’t cool.

And then true to form, Wardo just has to suck all the fun out of my day by going totally creepy on Emmett’s ass. Emmett makes a throwaway, joking comment that maybe he should get some pointers from Bella on keeping Wardo out, and the little pissant growls and orders him to “stay away from her.

What’s wrong, Wardo—did he gander at your ward?



Emmett, thank heavens, senses my rapidly deteriorating mood and salvages the situation by telling him that it’s all for the lulz and to stop being such a vag.

Wardo goes emo then, and Emmett apologizes and says there’s no need to get so butthurt, he was just tryin to help that he’s “trying not to be too much of an insensitive jerk, but, since it’s sort of his natural state…” and I love him so hard right now.

Wardo is, of course, unamused, and Emmett’s like, seriously, dude, what is your problem. Wardo tells him that he’s all just worried and angstful and thinking about Bella (undoubtedly worried because he’s missing a night’s worth of tallying stats for her breathing as she sleeps right now), and Emmett just laughs at him, because dude, he’s the danger, but he’s out here hunting, so what’s the problem? And then Wardo starts fretting about her being human and fragile (because human suck) and gets in a totally hissy about all the things that could happen to her:


…she could run into a bear…or get hit by a car…or lightning…or fall down stairs…or get sick—get a disease! (Only losers get diseases, eww)

Fires and earthquakes and tornadoes! (Oh my!)

Ugh! (For you, Mervin)

When was the last time you watched the news? (Who has time for the news? The game’s on, bro)

Have you seen the things that can happen to them? (Sorry, no, humans all look the same to me, Wardo)

Burglaries, homicides…

I was rolling on the ground laughing at this point, almost ded from GUC, so much so that his INSTANT RAGE over the thought of some human hurting her (italics his, not mine) couldn’t even stop me. Actually, the fact that said rage made him so angry that he “couldn’t breathe”, despite not needing to and it being voluntary just got me going again.

DEAR GOD. HE’S GOING TO START TRACKING HER PERIOD ON A CALENDAR AND SAVING HER URINE SAMPLES.

ROTFL

Wardo waxes wangstful about all the terrible things that could happen to Bella without him there to watch over her, and Emmett tells him to chill. He doesn’t, of course, and calls Emmett “Auntie Em”, which just made me laugh again—seriously, what is with all these stupid nicknames all the sudden? They never had them before. And I don’t see anyone calling him “Ed”. But they should. Or at least “Wardo”.

Oh—during the course of the angsting, even Wardo admits to not being able to understand the VoD physics, saying that it looked like Bella was pulling it towards her like a magnet. Are you listening, SMeyer?

Anyway, Wardo is whiny and rude, Emmett is Awesome, but then I get annoyed because he stops being Awesome and goes back to suggesting they just take care of things themselves—summarily vamping Bella this time, rather than nomming her, because that would take care of Wardo’s problems. Does she have any say in the matter at all? Guess not.

Then SMeyer apparently remembers that she’d totally rewritten Rosalie’s character from how she was just a simple Scary Sue in Twilight into the Baby-Machine from Eclipse, so she slaps us in the face with those two actually considering Bella’s feelings on the matter in the form of reminding us that ROSE WOULD RATHER HAVE BEEN HUMAN SO SHE COULD HAVE BABIES. Uh-huh.

Emmett sort of boggles at Wardo’s many issues, and I’m torn between laughter and irritation, because he’s obviously trying to be sensitive here, and Wardo’s an asshole about it and says that he “was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte. He struggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive”. His prickishness about it pissed me off, but dude, how could I not laugh at that?


Wardo: EMMETT, YOU DISGUST ME. YOU ARE TRULY VILE.

Wardo: HE IS A UNCARING, CARELESS BEAST

Wardo: YOU ARE A CRUEL UNCARING MONSTER

Wardo: YOU'RE OF NO USE AND COME WITH TOO MUCH BAGGAGE

~ “Growing Up Cullen

Emmett, of course, being Awesome, just wants to know how Wardo is going to get her in the sack. Wardo assures him that he doesn’t think of that, wants nothing to do with her sexually, because their love is pure, their connection too deep for that, and he can’t anyway, lest he hurt her.

Emmett boggles at that idea, too—he can’t imagine that because he is obviously a vile deviant who must force himself on Rose at least once a day

On a side note, what we have here is yet another example of SMeyer writing like a virginal highschooler, and her characterization suffering for it. Emmett is, like, around eighty years old, right? And he was turned when he was twenty. And Wardo was a seventeen—undoubtedly a sack of hormones (despite what SMeyer says)—and is now over a hundred years old. They’re both definitely adults, and by SMeyer’s insistence, they’re still kinda sorta frozen—at least physically, if not mentally—in the way they were when they were turned. The point being that they’re alone, they’re off hunting and being manly, and they’re MEN. And yet they both talk about sex in this sort of giggling, naughty, speaking-in-euphemisms-and-avoiding-dirty-words kind of way. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, Emmett wants to know what Wardo is going to do about his little dilemma here, of being all about a fragile, delicate, and breakable little human. Wardo is both angsty and creepy—he can’t think of a way to let her go (see my Chapter 5 rant on that topic), and is suddenly happy that the naughty vamps are visiting—because that means he has an excuse to stalk Bella! In fact, he can’t wait to start!


Wardo: OH THANK GOD, IT IS EIGHT, I AM OFF TOO WATCH MY LOVE SLEEP

NO SHE DOESN'T KNOW I DO THAT

I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM

NO ONE IS BEING DISRESPECTED

I AM JUST MAKING SURE SHE DOESN'T CHOKE OR SOMETHING.

DO YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE DIE IN THEIR SLEEP?

~ “Growing Up Cullen

Emmett tells him to just calm down—Alice would know if anything bad has happened. Wardo is totally up in arms, though, demanding that they return in time for him to start stalking watching stalking Bella before the nasty vamps get there. Emmett tries to dissuade him, but he will not be moved.


Emmett: SUUUUUURE OKAY "SLEEP"

THAT ISNT CREEPY

OR STALKERY

YOU ENJOY THAT, PERVERT

~ “Growing Up Cullen

Emmett closes the scene by being Awesome and just tells him that he’s crazy. And honestly, I had just about laughed myself sick at this point, so I was almost glad for the scene change.

“Growing Up Cullen”: CANON, BITCHES!

Anyway, I then found myself eating my words with regards to the change of scenery. Because now we’re just back to Wardo alone, and without Emmett, not only is there a distinct lack of Awesome, but there is also quite an upsurge of creepy, and I do not want. Just you guess what he’s doing, guys. Just guess.



Yeah—this is exactly what I wanted to see.

He notes that Bella doesn’t look at rumpled as last time, so she obviously must be sleeping more peacefully—which just freaked me right the hell out, after Mervin told me about the extended movie scene where he was in there sniffing her while she had a naughty dream. Because yes, he is in fact in there sniffing her and trying to convince himself not to go through her things or actually touch her in her bed while she’s sleeping.

I want Emmett back.

Wardo spazzes because she has scrapes on her hands—just SMeyer reminding us of how OMGCLUMSY Bella is, having fallen down at the beach, but I just wanted to remind her that dude, he’s smelling her blood right now—shouldn’t he be going insane?

Guess not. He’s too busy angsting over her and obsessing over her (while still managing to belittle her feelings as a lowly human). Oh, and we get another really stupid and pointless dead herring with Wardo assuring himself that she still doesn’t know about him, that no one ratted on him even after her trip to La Push, because “the Quileutes were perhaps the one thing [he] did not have to worry about”.



Wardo stays there until sunrise and is actually angry about it being bright out, because that means that he can’t stalk her to school now. He goes flouncing off into the woods and actually tracks her scent where she went walking. This is creepy (even Wardo admits it, but he’s not going to stop), annoying (because Wardo has to take the time to obsess over her every move and ponder how it makes her so Unique and Special), and once again an example of SMeyer’s hackneyed C&P tactics—in that even though Wardo wasn’t there for the scene where she went walking out in the woods, we still have to have a way to recap Bella’s every move from Twilight.

Wardo then spazzes out, because her wandering out here in the woods is OMGSODANGEROUS, and tantamount to courting disaster. Well, not if he can help it!

We end the chapter on this bit of sickness:


Well, for this moment she had a protector. I would watch over her, keep her from harm, for as long as I could justify it.

I suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make an extended stay.

Yep. That’s right. Wardo had declared himself Bella’s keeper, and is now eager for there to be a prolonged threat to her life, just so he has and excuse to stalk her!

And with that, I’m out—join me next time for Chapter 8: Ghost!



( Chapter 8 - Ghost )



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