Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Twilight Aside: The SMeyer Redux

Mervin: Welcome, gentle readers! Remember how I promised something special? Well, here it is.

You may have noticed that, upon making the mistake of perusing the TwilightSucks forum, I came across some quotes from Meyer that made me…a little angry. Well, that was a subject thread—quotes from Meyer that were bad. And there were seven pages, and they were all really, really bad. Naturally, couldn’t just leave without sharing the not-love, but I couldn’t take them on alone—I’m…well, I’m not delicate, but seeing what it drove me to, I thought it perhaps wise not to take it on alone. So! For the first time since who knows, Mrs. Hyde is joining me! Say hi, Hyde, from your bunker up north.

Mrs. Hyde: Hi, Hyde.

Mervin: Are you ready to spork some Stephenie Meyer?

Mrs. Hyde: Amazingly, I actually am. I have my spork face on and am ready to rock.

Mervin: Good—because you’ll need it.

Mrs. Hyde: *cracks knuckles* Well, then—let’s do this thing.



Tw Staff: Reading Twilight it came to me the story of Westley and Buttercup.

Mrs. Hyde: Whatever that means.

Is Bella and Edward’s love True Love like theirs?

Mervin: If it was pure satire, yes.

Stephenie: Actually Bella and Edward love story is better than them.

Mervin: …I got nothin’. Hyde?

Mrs. Hyde: Um…I’m going to have to go with you on that nothin’ thing. The unmitigated arrogance has robbed me of my powers of speech.


When I was in college I wrote a lot of papers from a feminine perspective (it’s an easy way to write)

Mrs. Hyde: Well, that’s an easy route to take in real life, too, at least in your little world! You just roll over and let the man tell you what to do!

Mervin: I can’t tell if that was sarcasm or not. Because, if it wasn’t…WELL NO DUH IT’S EASY TO WRITE FROM A FEMININE PERSPECTIVE—BECAUSE YOU’RE A WOMAN!!!!

Mrs. Hyde: “Feminist” is a whole ‘nother story.


on the princess bride. Buttercup is an idiot and it doesn’t bother anyone,

Mrs. Hyde: Ah, sour grapes—she’s mad, because Bella’s an idiot and IT BOTHERS THE HELL OUT OF EVERYBODY!!!

all that matters is that she’s beautiful,

Mervin: As opposed to headstrong Bella here, who thinks college is stupid as opposed to becoming beautiful.

at the end she became a little more smart,

Mrs. Hyde: Like Bella didn’t.

Mervin: Yeah—that’s character growth. You must’ve been sick when they were going over that in all your English courses.


but the female characters are very weak in that story.

Mervin: *hysterical laughter*

Mrs. Hyde: Yep! They stay home and cook and clean and churn out babies and do whatever the man tell them to do! Wait a second…


Westley is brave and smart and fights,

Mrs. Hyde: Um…notice she’s not mentioning the lack of realism in his character. Did she miss that, or, just judging by Wardo, does she think that’s okay?

Mervin: No—he’s got a Y chromosome. He can do whatever he wants.

Mrs. Hyde: Gotcha.


Buttercup is just beautiful, it’s her only thing, her brain means nothing, her personality means nothing to him,

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah—like Wardo being madly in love with Bella after three five-minute conversations.

they have the kind of love where they can’t leave without each other.

Mervin: OH HO HO HO HO. I’LL BET THEY HAD A GODDAMNED HOLE™ IN THEIR CHESTS WHEN THEY LOST EACH OTHER.

It’s not a great example to me, I couldn’t find one who was a really good comparison to me,

Mervin: (Meyer): Because nothing compares to me!

Mrs. Hyde: Actually, I think this is a perfect comparison, in that The Princess Bride was really good. Twilight totally sucks.


I mean, Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy’s it’s pretty good,

Mrs. Hyde: OH. I SEE. THE MOST BELOVED COUPLE FROM ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED WRITERS IN ENGLISH LITERATURE IS “PRETTY GOOD”. I SEE. *stab*

except you should think that if either one of them dies the other one will carry on bravely,

Mervin: And that just isn’t done. We can’t have that. Roll over and die, damn you!

and Romeo and Juliet were kind of idiots, they didn’t know each other very well.

Mervin and Mrs. Hyde: *roar with laughter, clutching each other through the internet*

Mrs. Hyde: HE SPOKE TO HER THREE TIMES, HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT HER, AND HE IMMEDIATELY FELL IN LOVE WITH HER!!!!!


And Anna Of Green Gables and Gilbert Blythe (Anna dai capelli rossi),

Mervin: Isn’t it Anne? Not Anna.

Mrs. Hyde: Yes—with an “e”. Big point. My question: Why did she feel the need to put the name of it in Italian? I looked it up—there’s an Anime of Anne of Green Gables. That’s what came up when I Googled it.

…please, for the sake of my sanity, tell me that she’s not making her literary comparison on an Anime.

Mervin: I would tell you that, but I honestly wouldn’t put it past her.


but they are much more like Jacob and Bella, they’re friend they get the nerves of each other a lot.

Mervin: You dirty Harmoanian. Heaven forbid a couple have disagreements.

Mrs. Hyde: WOW. Does she even realize what she just did? We had a couple who had instant chemistry and attraction, became very good friends, and it grew into something more. An honestly very well-done love story. AND BY HER OWN ADMISSION, SHE WROTE A PAIR LIKE THAT, BUT IT’S NOT BELLA/EDWARD. You and I have said time and time again that pre-fursploded Jacob and Bella had some serious chemistry—AND SHE JUST AGREED WITH US!!!

Mervin: Hyde, she’s an idiot. Let it gooooooooo.


I didn’t find out yet a Bella and Edward love story that really satisfied me that way.

Mervin: Meyer, nothing but your own stuff satisfies you.

Mrs. Hyde: And we all know what kind of satisfaction she gets from it.

Mervin: (Meyer): *fappity*

Mrs. Hyde: You know what’s really funny about all that? For all of her vaunted English studies and papers from a feminine perspective, SHE DIDN’T FREAKIN’ GET IT. It was a SATIRE. The characters were SUPPOSED to be unrealistic, because they were making fun of the clichés!

Mervin: That’s like getting mad about “A Modest Proposal” because it advocates cannibalism.




“WHAT IF...

Mervin: …monkeys could talk?

Mrs. Hyde: …Barbie had a hand grenade?


What if true love left you?

Mrs. Hyde: Well, it would suck pretty bad, I have to admit.

Not some ordinary high school romance, not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable.

Mervin: You hear that, guys? Your loves are replaceable. I love how she is always putting her foot in it. It’s hilarious.

True love. The real deal. Your other half, your true soul’s match.

Mrs. Hyde: The light of your life! The apple of your eye! The cream in your coffee!

Mervin: The mustard to your mayo! The peanut butter to your jelly! The Sanford to your Son!

Mrs. Hyde: The Gladys Knight to your Pips! The spider to your fly! The partridge to your pear tree!

Mervin: The Sonny to your Cher! The John Hinckley to your Jodie Foster! …wait a minute. Um…I think I’m out.

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah. Let’s just move on.


What happens if he leaves?

Mervin: —the seat up?!

Mrs. Hyde: Noooooooooooooo!!!


The answer is different for everyone.

Mrs. Hyde: *nastily* Not according to you! We should all just DIE!

Juliet had her version, Marianne Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O’Hara and Anne Shirley all had their ways of coping.

Mervin: Bella did not. End of story.

Mrs. Hyde: Note how she actually compares the romance of Romeo and Juliet to her book—the ones who did give up—but all of the others? I’m pretty sure they kept going.


I had to answer the question for Bella.

Mervin: Small note—she never actually answers that question. Because she doesn’t.

What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her?

Mrs. Hyde: Rolls over and dies. The end.

Not just true love, but Edward Cullen!

Mervin: What happens when your stalker stops stalking? *wails*

Mrs. Hyde: Okay, that part just cheesed me pretty badly, so I’m afraid I don’t have a rejoinder.


None of those other heroines lost an Edward

Mervin: THANK GOD.

(Romeo was a hothead,

Mrs. Hyde: And Edward is a stalker.

Mervin: Um…I accidently misread that as “pothead”. Sorry. Continue.

Mrs. Hyde: Well, to be fair, Wardo’s a heroin addict by his own admission.


Willoughby was a scoundrel,

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah, and you know what? That wasn’t her true love, either. Forgive me if I’m not mistaken, but doesn’t she realize she loves Colonel Brandon at the end?

Tristan had loyalty issues,

Mrs. Hyde: So, because he didn’t spend the rest of his life pining after her, he sucks. Okay. That’s nice.

Mervin: No mention of the fact that it was FORCED LOVE, KIND OF LIKE HERS.


Heathcliff was pure evil,

Mervin: Which basically just amuses me, because she compares Wardo to Heathcliff in Eclipse

Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers,

Mrs. Hyde: What about the fact that Scarlet had a mean streak, and spent the entire book hiding the fact that she thought she was in love with Ashley Wilkes?

Mervin: She has bad mood swings—one minute, it’s all the woman’s fault. The next, it’s all the man’s. Make up your mind.


and sweet Gilbert was much more of a Jacob than an Edward).

Mervin: I don’t think Gilbert was a big furry douche.

Mrs. Hyde: But she is right about that—Jacob a hell of a lot more likeable and sweet than that asshole!


So what happens when True Love in the form of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?”

Mrs. Hyde: SHE WHINES FOR A 492-PAGE NOVEL AND WE HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT!



Q: Edward once said that there was a list of people who like Bella more than she thinks and she’d be surprised who’s on it. Who are those people on the list?

Mervin: Oh, yes, let’s just rack ‘em up. Let’s list every boy who thinks they’re madly in love with Bella. Let’s hear all about it—EVEN THOUGH WE HAD TO HEAR ABOUT IT FOR FOUR BOOKS WORTH. Honestly! How the hell can you ask that???!!!! WE ALL KNOW WHO LIKES BELLA—EVERYBODY!!!!!!!

A: Most of the boys at school,

Mrs. Hyde: Hey, Mervin, look! You’re clairvoyant! You and Alice should hang out.

Mervin: Get bent.


of course you know about Mike and Tyler and that,

Mervin: YEAH. WE KNOW.

and uhm, the one that is on the list that she would be surprised about was the one that was kind of inappropriate, and that was the biology teacher Mr. Banner. Very bad.

Mrs. Hyde: …OH. THAT’S GREAT. BELLA SWAN IS SO FRICKIN’ IRRESISTABLE, THAT EVEN HER TEACHERS ARE LUSTING AFTER HER!!!

Mervin: I see that pedophilia has always been a theme in her books. In the original version, Bella left home because her new stepdad was coming on to her, too. Ain’t that great, Hyde?

Mrs. Hyde: *a la Vizzini* GAH!!!!




When someone asked her the Cullen’s “Track Record” A.K.A., how many people the Cullen’s had otherwise killed or eaten, she said…

“I don’t have a number count for you,

Mervin: Oh, it’s that big, hmm?

I’ll have to go back and think about it,

Mrs. Hyde: Don’t burn out your head.

but their record is pretty good.

Mrs. Hyde: As compared to what, exactly? As compared to me? They suck—I’ve never killed anybody.

It’s a lot harder than people think, being a Vampire.

Mervin: Yeah, and she obviously knows all about it. How’s that sun treating ya?

I mean, how would you be if you just couldn’t eat food, you know?

Mrs. Hyde: Actually, in Twilight you said it wasn’t like being able to eat meat. And a whole lot of people do that.

I think you’d snack now and then, I know I would.”

Mrs. Hyde: Nice to know that murder is on the same level as a light snack.

Mervin: *whinily* But Hy-yde, it’s HARD not to kill people.




“It certainly wasn’t belief in my fabulous talent that made me push forward;

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): It was my ASSURANCE of my fabulous talent!

I think it was just that I loved my characters so much, and they were so real to me, that I wanted other people to know them, too.”

Mervin: (Meyer): So they could tell me how AWESOME I am!

You know, the worst part about that is that that phrase itself, delivered by anyone else in the proper manner, is totally innocuous. Coming from her? I hate it.




“I will state, for the record, that my queries truly sucked,

Mrs. Hyde: Just like your writing.

and I don’t blame anyone who sent me a rejection

Mrs. Hyde: Nor do I.

(I did get seven or eight of those. I still have them all, too).

Mervin: This is something I hate. She acts like all this stuff is unique to her—what, you think you’re the first successful writer ever? You think that no writer keeps their rejection letters? Or perhaps no writer ever receives rejection letters? I got news for ya, pal—THEY DO. And most of the time, it’s a LOT more than “seven or eight”. You should be thanking your lucky stars that this was such an easy process.

The only rejection that really hurt was from a small agent who actually read the first chapter before she dropped the axe on me.

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): I mean, she’d actually READ my great work and still rejected it! HOW COULD SHE?!

The meanest rejection I got came after Little, Brown had picked me up for a three-book deal, so it didn’t bother me at all.

Mervin: (Meyer): That person was just like those mean girls in high school, so there!

I’ll admit that I considered sending back a copy of that rejection stapled to the write-up my deal got in Publisher’s Weekly, but I took the higher road.”

Mrs. Hyde: By making it public instead.

Mervin: Man, this reeks of her sticking her tongue out at everybody who rejected her and saying, “Nyah nyah.” You still suck.




“And that’s how, in the course of six months, Twilight was dreamed, written, and accepted for publication.”

Mervin: Six months? That explains the crappiness. Man, that is awful! I understand something like fanfic taking a short while, but we didn’t have to invent a lot of characters or anything. It was all there. That’s hideous.



“NO! I didn’t want Edward to leave.”

Mervin: Well, hello thar, Bella! How are you on this fine evening?



“When I write the story, it’s not like I’m thinking about what I’m doing.”

Mrs. Hyde: AS IS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.



“One of the great things about fantasy is that research rarely applies.”

Mervin: OH. MY. GOD.

Mrs. Hyde: Logic and reality can just take a flying leap there, eh?




“You wouldn’t believe the questions I get. People want to know every single detail. You know, I majored in English, not biology.”

Mervin: Well, you know, I majored in English too, for a while—never in history. And yet, it took me .16 seconds to find a link on the history of the Great Depression and promptly used it to beat Rosalie’s ass.



“It wouldn’t be Alice’s story or, Alice, Jasper and Emmett, I think most of their stories are told

Mervin: Yeah, they’re TOLD, all right—told in this horrible, stilted, crappy, pompous fashion with HORRIBLY unrealistic dialogue and they ALL SUCK!!!

I don’t feel a need of go back and write of them, maybe someday Carlisle but that would involve so much research, and I’m lazy.”

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, we know. *pats*



Why this enduring interest in vampires?
“Well my answer here has to be hypothetical because I am not a vampire fan and I never have been...”

Mervin: And yet you wrote a vampire saga.

Mrs. Hyde: Not really—she wrote a sparkly, White-Is-Right Mormon saga.




“But I can’t read other people’s vampires.

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): Because they all suck when compared to mine.

If it’s too close [to my writing], I get upset; if it’s too far away, I get upset.

Mervin: You get upset when you find out your story is unique? That makes no sense.

It just makes me very neurotic.”

Mrs. Hyde: Are you really that insecure? You know, I’m not neurotic when I read other Snape-fic.



“Oh no, you know what? I’ve developed this humongous love for 12-year-old girls! They have the best questions, and they’re so into the stories. You really can’t write for a better audience. I say to all other authors: If you’re not writing for teenage girls, you’re missing out on a lot of love.”

Mrs. Hyde: Wow. She came out and said it—her favorite people are the ones who stroke her ego the most.

Mervin: You’re forgetting something—also the ones THAT DON’T KNOW ANY BETTER.

Mrs. Hyde: It’s like feeding children rubber candy, and they’re absolutely so dumb they eat it! And then laughing!




Stephenie’s favorite people to talk to are…
“People who say, ‘You made me want to stop writing.’ She said she knows this sounds weird, but whenever she reads a REALLY good book, she thinks to herself, ‘I could never write a book that good. I should just give up!’ So she understands the compliment behind a statement like that.”

Mrs. Hyde: AND SHE DOES IT AGAIN! The best fans are the ones who tell you that you are the best thing EVAR!!!

Mervin: That just makes me angry. Because…Lord, what is wrong with you? Being happy that somebody would say they would never write again? Because you basically agree that they could never live up to you? You bastard!




“I think one of the most frustrating things about my confident, self-assured husband is that he is not in the least bit threatened by my devotion to Edward and Jacob,

Mervin: What’s wrong with that?

Mrs. Hyde: Don’t you see, Mervin? He should be insanely jealous and then just curl up and DIE! Because it’s SMEYER! Not just any True Love, but SMEYER!

Mervin: But…they’re fictional.


though I have told him many times that if either one of them showed up at the door, I would leave without looking back. Pancho just grins and says, ‘You do that, Steph.’”

Mrs. Hyde: You know, that’s really great to tell your husband that. So much for your One True Love Sealed for All Time in the Temple for All Eternity.

Mervin: …THEY’RE FICTIONAL! I can’t get over this! THEY’RE FICTIONAL!!! THAT’S WHY HE’S NOT WORRIED!!! THEY’RE FICTIONAL!!!!

Mrs. Hyde: There are so many potential layers of awesome there. There’s the “Yes, Dear” vibe. There’s the patronizing “you do that, honey” vibe. There’s the “as if they’d have you” vibe. There’s the “yes, please do that” vibe. And then there’s the “do whatever you want—just keep the money coming” vibe.




“It’s just so cool that I’m not the only 30+ mom and wife in love with fictional underage vampires and werewolves. I feel much less pathetic.”

Mrs. Hyde: I got news for ya—you’re still pathetic.

Mervin: The worst part about this is that I thought that was a Twimom talking—NO, IT’S HER. THAT IS FROM THE TWIMOM FORUM. SHE HANGS OUT ON THE TWIMOM FORUMS.




“City of Bones, by Cassandra Clare

Mrs. Hyde: !!!

Mervin: HER??!!! YOU ARE—YOU ARE A FAN OF HER??!!!! Oh, man, guardians_song and kermit_thefrog are gonna LOVE this.

Mrs. Hyde: *bzzt*


(and the sequel, City of Ashes which doesn’t come out until March--make friends with booksellers! They share advanced reading copies!). I am totally intrigued with this series, at the same time there is one particular issue that messes with me. I don’t want to spoil anything, so I won’t specify. It’s not BAD, just really, really uncomfortable. I thought she’d put it to bed in book one, but then it was there stronger than ever in book two. I think she’s going to try to resolve it in book three, but HOW? HOW CASSANDRA?? (Ha ha, sorry).

Mrs. Hyde: *splutters* What is this?!

Mervin: *pats Hyde* Come, come, relax.

Mrs. Hyde: But—but—GAH!


I need to find a City of Bones forum to vent! The thing that really gets me about City of Bones is that it is about 200 times better than Wicked Lovely, but Wicked Lovely is the one that gets all the accolades and the prominent shelving in the bookstores.

Mrs. Hyde: You know, is it just me, or does that sound like some kind of book version of Snacky’s Law, or something?

Mervin: Actually, it’s even better. I think Meyer hates it because the main character didn’t get together with the beautiful, speshul, unique character who stalked her—rather, she went off with her less attractive friend with whom she shared chemistry and goals—like living a normal life and going to college.


Yes, WL has a wickedly lovely cover, but just go google the City of Bones cover. OH. MY.”

Mervin: Oh. I see. You want me to pick the other book—BECAUSE IT’S PRETTIER. After all—everybody knows you can judge a book by its cover! Just look at Wardo!



When asked about bad fan experiences…
“The worst I can remember happened at my appearance in Toronto. A girl (who must have sat in line all day to get the seat she had) asked during the Q&A how I could write such an antifeminist main character and if I wasn’t ashamed of myself for letting young girls read my misogynist works. I don’t get that. I mean, I’ve gotten that question from reporters and seen it online various places, and I think I can defend myself ably. What I don’t get is why you would come out to a signing for an author you hated, let alone stand out in the cold all day to get in. People are odd.”

Mrs. Hyde: Dude. Mervin—she just said, “If you don’t like it, don’t read it.”



She opened this Q@A session by outright refusing to answer any events that might have happened outside of her canon, including any future events, because that would require actually thinking about it.

Question 1: Can Leah Clearwater imprint since she’s a girl?
“OK. Remember number one? About how things that might happen in the future I’m not gonna answer questions about? OK, that counts.”

Mervin: Wow. That’s nice. Way to respect your fans.

Mrs. Hyde: You mean to tell me that you are constantly lauding yourself for creating this special and unique and complex world, and yet you don’t know your characters well enough and haven’t thought about the details enough that you could have been able to even think up an answer the question on the spot? I am not impressed.




When asked about the general message of her books…
“See, and I get that a lot.

Mervin: I wonder why.

People--what’s the message? What moral is there to the story?

Mrs. Hyde: HAVE BABIES.

And there never is one with my books.

Mervin: *snort* Ladies and gentlemen, we hope you’ve enjoyed No Moral Theater!

You know, people find them, and that’s fine, you know, reader interpretation is valid, but for me it’s always just about the adventure. I want to go and have fun.”

Mrs. Hyde: Every story has some sort of message! That’s the whole point! That’s what you do when you write—you’re trying to say something! And given how many times you get up on your wanky little soapbox, I’m having real trouble with you telling me that you’re not pushing morals in your story.

Mervin: I am more amused that, for all her talking about how she writes great literature and all that, she basically just told us to turn our brains off when reading her story.




When asked if the actual Quileute tribe was angry about their portrayal…
“I was pretty worried about this myself.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, Lord, she has the same ideas as her characters. So long as you ADMIT it’s bad, that makes it okay!

However, to this point I’ve had nothing but positive feedback from Native Americans, both Quileute and otherwise.

Mervin: Uh, Meyer? I have just one thing to say to you: YOUR BROTHER SCREENS YOUR MAIL!!! Of course you get nothing but positive feedback, you idiot!

I actually got a letter on MySpace from a girl who is the daughter of one of the council members (she titled her message Quileute Royalty),

Mervin: Well, of course. Because no one lies on the Internet. If she said so, it must be true.

and she loved the werewolf thing. The common theme in the positive feedback that I’ve gotten is that the Native Americans I’ve heard from like that my Quileute characters are fully formed characters whose ethnicity is just one aspect of who they are,

Mrs. Hyde: The other aspects being that they’re all poor greasers who are prejudice against the white folk!

rather than their main feature.”

Mervin: …okay, that is just layer upon layer of stupid. Meaning…you think you a brilliant for writing ethnicity as part of a person’s character. Because nobody is like that. After all, I’m white, but I really think I’m Chinese.



“I am not anti-female, I am anti-human.”

Mervin: OH, GOD, IT’S GETHSEMANE. Well, I’ll just be killing myself, then.

Mrs. Hyde: Bleh. As if that wasn’t obvious. All we hear about is how awesome the vampires how, how kind-of-okay the werewolves are, and how humans basically SUCK. So much for the literary tradition of exploration of the human condition.




“And stalking doesn’t scare me. I’ve never stalked anyone (yet) but I think I would be AWESOME at it.”

Mervin: No comment.



“‘It’s only when she waves goodbye to her husband and son and jumps into her Infiniti

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): Look at what I can afford!

that a reader familiar with Twilight’s hunky vampire

Mervin: Hunky? He’s a scrawny little 17-year-old boy!

would quickly notice something a little Edwardesque about the 35-year-old author—she drives like Danica Patrick on her day off.

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): Aren’t I awesome?

‘I like to drive,’ Meyer says. As she exits the dirt road that runs through her desert neighborhood, her foot is on the pedal like teeth on a neck. She is cranking her iPod on the car stereo,

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): Look at all this great stuff I have!

a tune by Muse, a band that is exactly that to Meyer. She is not breaking the law, but the law should be a little nervous. ‘My husband sold our coupe,’ she says, ‘and I was so mad.’”

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): Don’t you wish you were me?



“Their relationship is not in a good place right now as you might imagine, by the fact that Jacob Black is trying to get to become someone that will never be human again. Yaaaay poor Jacob!”

Mervin: What the hell?

Mrs. Hyde: I have no idea what that said.

Mervin: I think I just had an Airhead flashback.




“I used to think reading a good book was about the best escape in the world. But creating the story touches me in deeper places, and it’s so much more satisfying. I wouldn’t trade that.”

Mervin: Yeah, I know it touches you in deeper places. Bleh.



“She said that she writes at night, when it’s quiet, and the kids are asleep, then she edits during the day, because that doesn’t take as much concentration.”

Mrs. Hyde: *instantly enraged* What?! EDITING doesn’t take as much concentration?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I will literally go back and read whatever I have written at least a dozen times over! Picking it apart and editing it like mad! It took LONGER than it took to write the damn thing in the first place, and I STILL don’t catch everything!

Mervin: Neither did she. Look! I’m glowering like the sky, Hyde!

Mrs. Hyde: *glowers right back*

Mervin: Your mouth looks chagrinned.

Mrs. Hyde: Shut up.




“When you have very strong characters, they just decide the story themselves.”

Mrs. Hyde: How true. Whereas in your case, when your characters have all the substance and strength of a blancmange, we have this big, wet, steaming pile of nothing.

Mervin: Come now, Hyde—crap isn’t nothing. It has mass.




“....Luckily I got that great dream to start me off...”

Mrs. Hyde: That was so wrong.



Meyer decides to try and explain how Death Baby came to be…

Mervin: Now, I’ve seen this quote discussed before. I had to include it here.

“Now, on to the ‘how is this possible?’ question. First of all, of course it’s not possible. None of this story is possible. It’s a fantasy story about creatures that don’t actually exist.

Mrs. Hyde: *BUZZES MEYER OUT* Wrong answer! In any GOOD story, even fantasy, I should be able to suspend my disbelief and be able believe that it is possible. If this is your answer, clearly it didn’t work. Fail.

Within the context of the fantasy, however, this is how it works:

Mervin: GOD DID IT.

Vampires are physically similar enough to their human origins to pass as humans under some circumstances (like cloudy days).

Mervin: Are you kidding?! These angel cupcake marble Adonises with their color-changing eyes and their super strength and their inhuman strength and their freezing cold, rock-hard skin?! Sorry, I’m gonna notice that! Right off the bat, I have a problem with this!

There are many basic differences. They appear to have skin like ours, albeit very fair skin.

Mrs. Hyde: White and delightsome skin.

The skin serves the same general purpose of protecting the body.

Mervin: Oh, great. She’s trying to be scientific now.

However, the cells that make up their skin are not pliant like our cells, they are hard and reflective like crystal.

Mrs. Hyde: Um…crystal is transparent, not reflective.

A fluid similar to the venom in their mouths works as a lubricant between the cells,

Mrs. Hyde: Wait, wait, wait—WHAT? Venom has a very specific purpose in the animal world. It is to incapacitate prey. Not to mention that does she think that our cells are free-floating in fluid, and that is how they move? She doesn’t know that they are tethered together to provide structure and that each movement is a concerted sum of many small parts?

Mervin: *wallops Hyde with a hammer* IT’S FANTASY, BITCH.


which makes movement possible

Mrs. Hyde: Yes, but does it make time travel possible?

(note: this fluid is very flammable).

Mervin: Oh, man. Imagine somebody taking a magnifying glass to these people.

Mrs. Hyde: Heh.


A fluid similar to the same venom lubricates their eyes so that their eyes can move easily in their sockets.

Mervin: OH MY GOD.

Mrs. Hyde: She thinks our eyes are a pair of ball bearings sitting in our heads?! She doesn’t know that there is actual muscle attached?! …dangit, now all I can see is all the vampires with googly eyes.

Mervin: No wonder RPattz can’t wear those contacts—it hurts to wear googly eyes!

Mrs. Hyde: That’s also why they are able to stand unnaturally still—they have to keep their eyeballs from swinging around in their heads.

Mervin and Hyde: *dissolve into laughter—sporking put on hold for five minutes*

Mervin: *composing self* In all seriousness, however, that’s crap.


(However, they don’t produce tears because tears exist to protect the eye from damage, and nothing is going to be able to scratch a vampire’s eye.)

Mervin: Sorry, the way she worded that implies that tears are steel shields.

The lubricant-venom in the eyes and skin is not able to infect a human the way saliva-venom can.

Mrs. Hyde: Mervin, this is really dumb.

Mervin: You noticed that, huh?


Similarly, throughout the vampire’s body are many versions of venom-based fluids that retain a marked resemblance to the fluid that was replaced, and function in much the same way and toward the same purpose.

Mrs. Hyde: WHAT purpose? What purpose do these fluids serve, exactly? Do they have venom bile? Venom insulin? Venom lymph? According to you they are so perfect and lacking in any bodily functions that don’t need any of that!

Though there is no venom replacement that works precisely like blood, many of the functions of blood are carried on in some form.

Mrs. Hyde: By WHAT?! How?! They don’t breathe and never get sick—they don’t need anything to carry oxygen or transport immune cells! They don’t need ANY of that, according to you!

Mervin: Hyde, she’s trying to explain Wardo’s erection.

Mrs. Hyde: Are you serious?

Mervin: I believe so—but her Mormon sensibilities won’t let her say peen.

Mrs. Hyde: Sorry. If he can’t blush, he can’t get it up, because that is blood flow. Sorry.

Mervin: Maybe it’s electronic.

Mrs. Hyde: No—hydraulic.


Also, the nervous system runs in a slightly different but heightened way.

Mrs. Hyde: …which is? You’re not going to tell us, are you?

Some involuntary reactions, like breathing, continue (in that specific example because vampires use the scents in the air much more than we do, rather than out of a need for oxygen).

Mervin: They do not! You just said it was voluntary! Breathing in scents is not involuntary, you stupe!

Other involuntary reactions, like blinking, don’t exist because there is no purpose for them.

Mervin: WHAT? WRONG! NO, NO, NO! How does the venom lubricating them get around to the front? You have to use the eyelid to bathe them in the lubricant!

Mrs. Hyde: That’s easy—their eyes will just roll around in the back!


The normal reactions of arousal

Mrs. Hyde: …after all this pseudo-science, she actually wrote that instead of “erection”.

Mervin: Or peen.


are still present in vampires, made possible by venom-related fluids that cause tissues to react similarly as they do to an influx of blood.

Mrs. Hyde: You have no idea what you’re talking about.

Like with vampire skin—which looks similar to human skin and has the same basic function—fluids closely related to seminal fluids still exist in male vampires,

Mervin: *gapes* WARDO HAS A VENOM COCK.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, geez, Mervin—why did you have to say that?


which carry genetic information and are capable of bonding with a human ovum.

Mervin: Okay, serious side—why didn’t shooting her up with that cause her to vamp out?

Mrs. Hyde: Because, Mervin, remember? Saliva venom isn’t the same.


This was not a known fact in the vampire world (outside of Joham’s personal experimenting) before Nessie,

Mrs. Hyde: Meyer, I know this will be difficult for you, but try Googling the word “dhampir”.

Mervin: Not to mention that this is just a Michael Bay move on her part—she clearly said in several interviews that vampires can’t reproduce. Deliberate lying to mislead her fans.


because it’s nearly impossible for a vampire to be that near a human and not kill her.”

Mrs. Hyde: Sorry. I’m not even gonna try to comment on that last part, because her how much a temptation human blood is is so utterly inconsistent, there is no point. As for the rest of the stuff up there? I can honestly say that is BULLSHIT.

Mervin: Still have to yell it—why can’t women reproduce, but men can? BOGUS!




Why the name Renesmee?
“Well, I couldn’t call her Jennifer or Ashley.

Mervin: Why the hell not?

What do you name the most unique baby in the world?

Mrs. Hyde: …oh. My God. My heart.

I looked through a lot of baby name websites.

Mervin: That smacks of people who spend forever on every little detail of their character—classic Suethor.

Eventually I realized that there was no human name that was going to work for me,

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): Because humans suck!

Mervin: So, what—you named her Ford Prefect? That makes no sense.


so I surrendered to necessity and made up my own. I don’t approve of such shenanigans in real life, I don’t even believe in getting creative with spellings for real kids!

Mrs. Hyde: Okay, Stephenie.

But this was fantasy, and no human name fit, so I did the best I could.

Mervin: and you took TWO HUMAN NAMES and smooshed them together! Voilá! It’s not human anymore! You have created matter. And here’s Bob, my antimatter. *smashes Renesmee out of existence*

I named Renesmee so long ago—Fall 2003—that the name now sounds really natural to me. It wasn’t until people started mentioning it that I remembered, ‘Oh, yeah, it is a weird name, isn’t it?’”

Mrs. Hyde: No, it’s a fake name you pulled out of your ass—and it BLOWS.



Question 12: There’s been some speculation on the internet..... about Edward being an abusive boyfriend..... ?

Mrs. Hyde: Speculation?! Try whole compiled lists of arguments and evidence!

Mervin: That’s not speculation, that’s accusation.


“Yeah, yeah, OK. There’s a lot of stuff online that has, honestly, broken my heart recently.

Mrs. Hyde: (Meyer): Wah! *flounce*

Mervin: And she did.


It is difficult to read things that take such a negative spin on something that is very personal and also makes a lot of sense inside your head.

Mrs. Hyde: Oh, it makes plenty of sense on this end, too—AND IT’S SCARY AS HELL!!!

I think it’s, I have a hard time with that one because to me you have this kid, sure, he’s a hundred and something, but at the same time he’s also seventeen and it’s the first time he’s been in love.

Mrs. Hyde: And that…makes it okay to break into her room at night?

And he fully recognizes that he does things wrong, he’s very aware of that.

Mrs. Hyde: Sure doesn’t stop him!

Mervin: But Hyde, that makes it okay!


Edward at the beginning of Eclipse goes too far one direction. In the middle he’s like, I’m screwing this up, I’m doing this wrong, I’m not being fair.

Mervin: That’s not what he said. He did that so he could somehow be better than Jacob because he was busy pissing on everything! And what does this have to do with following him around and telling her what to do?

He goes too far in the other direction.

Mrs. Hyde: Whoa, whoa, wait right there—assuming you admit that he was too controlling, it’s okay if he’s just a little controlling? WRONG.

Mervin: I actually think she was referring to the time he wanted to put Bella out to stud.


He never quite finds the balance because he’s so black or white about everything.

Mrs. Hyde: And white is right!

Mervin: This is her dream man.


But he has only the best of intentions pretty much at all times,

Mrs. Hyde: And I think we all know where that road leads.

and to think of him as either mean or controlling or having any kind of neg- wanting to impact Bella’s life in a negative way is really not how his character is.”

Mervin: *turns to Hyde* Is it just me or did she totally evade the question?

Mrs. Hyde: No. It’s not just you.

Mervin: Actually, that’s not fair. I can’t accuse her of that—because I don’t know what the hell she just said.




And other readers are giving Meyer grief about the fact that Bella does get a “happily ever after” without having to make any major sacrifices.
“I think she worked for it pretty hard,” Meyer countered.

Mrs. Hyde: HOW? She whined and got carried around like a football by all the big strong men! What did she ever do?!

Mervin: Hyde, whining takes effort. Just look at Meyer, here.

Mrs. Hyde: Touché.


“It doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes you make a decision about what you want and you pay for it and you suffer for it and it doesn’t work out.

Mervin: Not that that happened in your stories.

Mrs. Hyde: Yeah, and sometimes, people make decisions, and most things work out, but not EVERYTHING goes just how you want it!


Those types of stories always leave me horribly depressed.

Mervin: So I guess they shouldn’t exist.

I’m not going to live in a world for a year at a time where that’s going to be the ending.

Mervin: *splutters and spazflails*

If people wanted a really depressing, tragic ending, I gave them a lot of hints that it wasn’t going to be that way. They really shouldn’t have been surprised!”

Mrs. Hyde: …meaning…people were? She was that hamfisted and over the top about it and people still didn’t see it coming? I guess that just makes sense that her story has all these fans—she’s found people that are even dumber than her.

Mervin: Okay! Last quote—saved it for last. Drumroll, please!

Mrs. Hyde: *dutifully drums*




“They’re fictional, I can do whatever I want.” - Stephenie Meyer on vampires

Mervin and Mrs. Hyde: *ROAR WITH LAUGHTER*

Mervin: “It’s fanfiction! I can do what I want!”

Mrs. Hyde: “It’s my story! I can do what I want!” Stephenie Meyer: Goddess of Suethors.

Mervin: Man, she just…man. That right there is the ultimate Suethor cry, the one they always fall back on when they receive any sort of criticism that they can’t answer to, not even with “don’t like, don’t read” (which she also used). We just get a good old fashioned “I do what I want, bitch.”

Mrs. Hyde: I’m out. *exit, stage left*

Mervin: Well, that’s all she wrote, folks. But I feel quite confident she’ll keep it coming. Meyer is a veritable fount of arrogant WTFery.






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