Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues (das_mervin) wrote,
Madame Mervin, Hammer of Sues
das_mervin

Midnight Sun: Chapter 2

Sorry I did not post a link or a description of the PE trailer, folksies. I was entertaining, and just wanted to spread the news, mostly. The trailer is pretty much everywhere, but here, I offer up a link to my ever-reliable SlashFilm.

I'm still not really ready to describe yet, though, other than ZOMG KICKASS BUT WHERE WAS FARAMIR I HAVE WATCHED THE TRAILER THREE TIMES WHERE IS HE GODDAMMIT I WILL CHEW SOMEONE'S FACE OFF and I don't think that's really a good review. I will say, though, for those who care, there is something that would probably be considered a spoiler for anyone who is not familiar with Dillinger's life. So beware--it does not reveal too much, mostly simply saying, "Hey, guys, this is a story of a guy who pretended to be a pseudo-Robin Hood, we've got some romance thrown in, it's an awesome story, now CHECK OUT THESE TOMMYGUNS!!!!!" However, like I said--something that could be considered spoilery if you don't know much about Dillinger. Keep it in mind. I recommend watching it, though--IT'S SO DELICIOUS. NOM NOM NOM.

Now, the main meat. As I said, my latest installment of Eclipse is coming along with aching slowness, so here you are! Chapter 2 of Midnight Sun, now with 70% more asshole!



Chapter 2: Open Book

So, in the last chapter, we met one Edward Cullen, known as Wardo to those who hate him, and learned that he is pretty much a smug, arrogant, condescending asshole. We then see Bella Swan—not meet, because Wardo hasn’t officially met her, just seen her, and do keep this in mind—and she smells like the baconiest bacon that ever did bacon. But because Wardo is supposed to be all awesome and stuff, he resisted the temptation to ruin his diet because he didn’t want Carlisle to give him a lump of coal in his stocking this year, so he promptly ran away to go sulk among the penguins.



We open with Wardo angsting prettily in the snow in Alaska, waxing poetically purple about the scenery but quite unable to appreciate it because he has Georgia Bella on his Mind. All he can think of is her—and we’re supposed to think this is because she smells delicious and nutritious, but we all know it’s because she is his One True Love and that he is Destined to be with her Forever.

His angst is interrupted by one of the Denali vampires—she’s hot, of course, as they all are, and Wardo knows that she’s been planning on ambushing him to have a talk and he is smug in his foreknowledge. The imagery is, I suppose, decent, but badly out of place with the first-person narration and just succeeds in making Wardo distant and un-relatable—a trend that I’m sorry to say continues.

So, the Denali vampire—Tanya—comes charging in. Her hotness goes unnoticed, because all Wardo can think of is the nummy chick back in Forks. Tanya does a cannonball on him, sending snow flying everywhere, and Wardo just sits there and remains passive and is generally a stiff, unlikeable prick to her. She still obviously fancies him nonetheless—even among hot vampires he is Hot—and we get to hear her “inner dialogue” in this vein during their conversation. And we get to hear how her thoughts are chagrinned. Hmm—I see where people’s annoyance comes in—“chagrin” typically applies to people, because it’s something you feel, not an adjective for your thoughts.



That word...I do not think it means what you think it means.

We get a rather disgusting bit of banter where Wardo is all flattering and is patently insincere about it, and some random bit of info about how the Denali clan were man-eaters back in the day and slowly discovered their consciences (like Wardo here totally hasn’t), and we hear about how naughty they are, rutting with men outside of marriage, and really all I thought was how on earth do they avoid detection? I mean, we all hear about how rough the vamp-sexing is—and no one notices that they break beds and houses and beat up the men in question?

Turns out Tanya was all excited to see Wardo because she “thought [he] changed [his] mind”. I guess she’d propositioned him and he turned her down, and because every woman’s life revolves around a man in this sad, strange little world, she just sat up there and pined for him and waited for him to come back. Bleh.

Tanya pesters him, Wardo is patronizing and unresponsive and refuses to speak to her, and she likes him why? Because he’s hot, I guess—which is really the only reason Bella likes Wardo, so I guess it’s normal. He angsts some more, and Tanya puts and arm around him, and he immediately goes all stiff—much like premarital underpants, premarital hugging, particularly if the girl in question is not your True Love, is apparently not okay.

Edward listens in as Tanya thinks about how wonderful and good and brave he is (which is really just SMeyer wanking away to her own creation) and he gets off on that, and, much like his future girlfriend, strings along the other person who is interested in him, and much like with said future girlfriend, I hate him for it. Tanya says he should be “more reasonable” and just let her boink him already and totally puts the moves on him, but like the good Mormon boy he is, he refuses and says that he “hasn’t found what [he is] looking for yet”. Because we all know that your One True Love has been selected for you before you were born, and you just have to find him/her.

So Tanya leaves, and Edward gets off on her disappointment for a while (at least, that’s what it feels like), and now his mouth is chagrinned, too. He says he feels badly about hurting her, but follows it up with saying that it just makes him feel like he’s not a gentleman, not really caring about how she feels, and her feelings were shallow and impure anyway, so it’s no big deal.

Asshole.

Anyway, he suddenly decided that he’s the Little Engine that Could, and he’s going to go home and be all manly and brave and stuff, because by gum, he can handle this. Of course, he’s still obsessing over thinking about Bella, but he’s going home anyway, so he runs like Legolas over the snow without leaving footprints—I’d call plagiarism, but somehow I suspect SMeyer’s never cracked those books in her life. They’re too hard, the pretty people rarely intermingle with the humans, and even when they do, only once did the human become one of the pretty people rather than the other way around, so why should she care about that?

The scene changes, and Wardo is back in Forks. They’re headed to the cafeteria, and I’ve noticed that Wardo tends to describe things with negative adjectives, but unlike with Harry Potter, he merely comes across as a condescending asshole about it. He’s being flanked by his honor guard of all his brothers and sisters, and they’re all watching warily, although Rosalie is more pissy about it than edgy—and despite the fact that it’s supposed to show how shallow she is, I totally agree with her. Weren’t you just last chapter rolling your eyes about how Jasper should just not try anymore, since it was so hard to resist the nomming? Hypocrite.

Note that Emmett and his hulking mass is described as looking like a bodyguard, which is awesome.

Wardo fusses about how their behavior would be “comical if it wasn’t so irritating”, but as it’s not irritating me and your irritation is always funny, I’m just seeing the comedy here, so we’ll go with that. But it doesn’t last long, because of course they’re all on the lookout for Bella, and while this seems reasonable in the face of Wardo’s mad cravings, it just seems that they are all obsessed with the Sue, just like everyone else always is.

Again, this is supposed to be a tense moment, with Wardo waiting and ready to meet his temptation, and we don’t know if he’s going to manage, but as before it’s just stilted and boring. The excessive simile she uses, while not overly purple, just really doesn’t fit for first-person. A partially omniscient narrator can do that, but in first person, if someone is experiencing the moral crisis we’re supposed to believe Wardo is having, he’s not going to be taking time out of his agonies to use an extended metaphor to compare his nerve to piano wires.



After that, Wardo resumes his old habits of sifting willy-nilly through everyone’s thoughts, which really kind of goes counter to the idea presented that he couldn’t help but hear it. No, now it sounds rather more like it’s a conscious decision on his part to go ratting around in everyone’s heads like old-clothes hampers, which not only ruins a good character point, but actively makes him into an intrusive prick. But we already knew he was that, didn’t we?

So, he pokes around and wants to hear about everyone obsessing over the Cullens, and see if Bella was in particular (oh, son, you have NO idea), but he’s all disappointed, because he doesn’t hear anything. Uh, dude, what did you expect? You looked all mean at her. Other than that, you didn’t do anything vampire-like that she saw. If you had fangs and were breathing down her neck, then yeah, I could see how it would scare her and you’d tell somebody. But you just sat there and glowered like the sky. So, no dirt on the Cullens. But, looky-here, everyone is still obsessed with Bella! And, naturally, that makes Edward obsess on her even more too!

So he mulls over the fact that Bella didn’t tell anyone about his little freak out last week, and in so doing favors us with an insulting bit of his own personal insight in the psychology of the lesser beings around him. Then he goes back to obsessing over Bella, wondering why she didn’t talk to anyone, and guesses that she must be close to her father and might have told him something, and so makes a mental note to find some way to get near him so he can root around in his head for more information about Bella.





Anyway, all the rest of the Cullens want to hear about how everyone is talking about them, because they’re trying to blend in and all, and Wardo has to report that Bella hasn’t spilled her non-existent beans. Emmett is awesome and pwns Wardo, telling him that he sucks and clearly isn’t as scary and big and bad and nationwide as he thinks he is, and that he totally could have done better. And then Wardo ruins the moment by having everyone “puzzling over the girl’s unique silence”. GAD—I know we’re supposed to think that the Sue is a unique and special snowflake, but do you have to just come out and SAY it like that?!

Then Alice gives them all the heads up that Bella is about to make her Grand Entrance, and tells everyone to behave. Emmett is Not Quite Awesome, in that he’s Awesome for letting Alice know what she can do with her ordering him about, but it is a bit stupid in that THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE BLENDING IN, and hurling a chunk of snow that you’ve compressed into a ball of ice with inhuman strength at Alice, who when deflects it with such force that it cracks the wall isn’t at all conspicuous, now is it?

Why, no it isn’t, because humans are so slow and mundane and inferior that nobody notices it. Despite being his One True Love, Rosalie and Emmett’s relationship is at this point sacrificed to the gods of bad characterization, and Rose is nasty to him to show that she’s a shallow bitch, and Emmett tells her that it’s all for the lulz and that it would have looked more awesome and totally hot, babe if she had done it instead, and he is Totally Awesome again.

Wardo, of course, does not have time for this sort of nonsense and is too busy vicariously spying on Bella through the thoughts of those around her (he’ll skip the annoying middleman later). Jessica and Mike are with her when she comes in, and Wardo is all ready for smelling her (…even though he didn’t smell her last time she was in the cafeteria), and Jessica is being bitchy and Mike is all fantasizing about her already and Wardo does not approve, which I don’t need to tell you is disturbingly proprietary. And we round out this cavalcade of disgust with a reference to Wardo noticing that despite his obvious attentions to her, Bella was pretty much ignoring Mike the whole time.

Well—at least her characterizations of her jerk-ass Sues are consistent, I’ll give her that.

So, Bella’s voice is like a bell, blah blah, Emmett tries to inject some Awesome by calling Wardo “bro” and telling him that he looks sick (fitting, as he IS sick), and Wardo listens as Bella decides not to eat today. Mike—the “dimwit”, according to Wardo—is unnecessarily anxious about it, reminding us that Forks revolves around one Bella Swan, but any annoyance that might generate is swept away by Wardo’s response to it:


Why did it bother me, the protective concern that suddenly emanated from Mike Newton’s thoughts? What did it matter that there was a possessive edge to them? It wasn’t my business if Mike Newton felt uncessarily anxious for her. Perhaps this was the way everyone responded to her. Hadn’t I wanted, instinctively, to protect her, too?

*ill*

1) It bothers you because you already think of her as property.
2) See previous statement.
3) It isn’t, so butt out.
4) Yes, it is—because she’s a Mary Frikkin’ Sue.
5) Oh, God—the “protectiveness” is already starting. After just smelling her, he’s already getting pissy that someone else is even thinking about her too much.



Meyer must have heard me talking about how Awesome Emmett is, because the very next thing out of the bag, she takes a great big dump all over him.


“Ease up, Edward,” Emmett said. “Honestly. So you kill one human. That’s hardly the end of the world.”

On principle:



That aside, it would have pissed me off coming from any of the Cullens, because once again, these are the vampires who are supposed to have consciences, to think that eating people is wrong. But then SMeyer throws something like this out there, and makes it painfully obvious that it’s nothing of the kind, so I best I can tell, they just do it to be smug about it.

*hates them all—most especially SMeyer*

We swing back around, and Emmett isn’t being Awesome anymore. Wardo makes a snide remark that Emmett “should know” about killing humans. Pot and kettle and all that. There is a brief moment where Emmett tells him that he has to learn to let things go, that could have paved the way for good characterization and development of more angst and conflict for the vampires about the nature of immortality and regret, but in reality, it’s just SMeyer turning Emmett into a douche so I won’t like him more than Wardo. Well, despite you taking a crap all over him, I still like Emmett more than Wardo, so there.

Then we’re all back to canned cheeriness, and Emmett slightly mollifies me by being a frat boy again and shakes his wet and snowy hair all over the girls. Rose complains, because she’s shallow and bitchy, and then we hear that the whole scene was staged to make them all look normal and “happy and human and unrealistically ideal as a Normal Rockwell painting”.

Uh, Wardo? Wrong Rockwell.



So Wardo passes the rest of lunch staring at Bella, and between her “penetrating gaze” and Wardo trying to “probe with [his] mind”, I was lolling with all the rampant sexual imagery—doubly so when you just know that Meyer wouldn’t get it even if it was pointed out to her. Jessica is a total Scary Sue, since by this point, we know that she becomes “Evil” for not putting up with Bella’s crap in New Moon. Wardo obsesses over her and spies on her and analyzes her every move, and comes to the conclusion that said every move is leaning toward him, wanting to look at him, and I’d call him and arrogant ass again (he is) if I didn’t already know that it was true.

Lunch ends with a few more random and unnecessary insults from Wardo directed toward the plebian masses, and there is some flat, boring, family dynamics among the Cullens and they’re all pretty much assholes, and Edward decides that he’s going to risk going mad in Bella’s presence just so he can see her face again.

*pinches bridge of nose* And here I thought Bella’s POV was ham-fisted with the One True Love thing. This is just disgusting.

Alice says she’s pretty sure that Wardo won’t spaz, and she tells us how sure she is as a percentage, leaving me to ask just how in the hell her gift works, anyway. Alice, the Magic Eight Ball.

And Wardo the asshole—because he has come to the conclusion that Emmett the Douche is right—decides that it is best to just get things over with, one way or the other.

I hate these people.

Wardo strides boldly out of the cafeteria to meet his Destiny in Biology. He makes it a point to think of what was formerly his lab bench as their lab bench in a stunning display of Subtle SMeyer-style Symbology.



*rubs head* Anyway, Wardo comes in, sits down, and obsesses over Bella’s every move, right down to the doodles on her paper. He announces himself, and when Bella looks up, he is immediately assailed by her face, and he informs us that:


As I stared into those oddly deep brown eyes, I realized that the hate—the hate I’d imagined this girl somehow deserved for simply existing—had evaporated. Not breathing now, not tasting her scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.

I…don’t have much to say there, except…

*projectile vomits*

And I’m sorry to say that that pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the book—and it only gets worse from here. This, when coupled to Twilight, makes a complete circle-jerk, with Meyer using her SI to jack off to Wardo’s perfection, and then jacking off to the sound of her lust object praising her SI in all conceivable ways.

Not to mention the fact that their relationship somehow manages to be even worse in this book. In Twilight it’s based on…nothing, but in this book, Edward sees her and then instantly knows all about her character and thinks she is Wonderful, like here, despite not even having spoken to her once, much less gotten to know her as a person—yet another example of the One True Love and Soulmate at First Sight.

Just try and tell me that this isn’t the same thing as that sick Imprinting shit. Just try it.

Anyway—sorry, that wasn’t even the worst of it, but it just makes me that mad. I really, really love a well-developed love story, even with sappiness—and seeing this kind of piss-poor cop out, and badly written to boot, really gets my goat.

So, once I got over that particular bit of righteous anger, I promptly got pissed off again. We all know that Bella is a total helpless female—she bullies people she feels are beneath her, all the while meekly submitting to Wardo’s demands and doing whatever any man or vampire tells her to. And now we see that here, on the other hand, just after looking at her, Wardo declares her to be just that—a Helpless Female. He knows nothing about her, and has decided that she is “vulnerable”. Moreover, he seems to think that this is a good thing—probably because that means that she is just waiting for a Big Strong Man to come into her life and keep her safe and wrapped in cotton (and in all fairness, she is)—which is probably Wardo’s justification for doing exactly that.

Bleh.

Anyway—back to our story. Wardo introduces himself, reminding us of how terrified Bella was of him and still is, and she gets all up in his business about how he knows her name—specifically, knows that she goes by Bella. Now, we all know that Wardo plucked it out of thin air, and it’s supposed to be evidence that he’s something More Than Human and a slip up on his part around her, allowing her to figure out what he is. However, it fails simply because, by Wardo’s own admission in the sentences around it, the “whole town has been waiting for [her]”. Given that everyone in Forks is obsessing over her every move, it hardly seems unreasonable for him to have simply asked someone or overheard someone mention it.

But, no, it’s supposed to be a slip with Wardo revealing more than he should have of his Powahs, and then he turns it around to remark about how clever and astute Bella is to have noticed it, which just kinda makes me want to die.

Anyway, Bella still smells like bacon, but like the two previous meetings, there is no tension where there is supposed to be, and so his struggles to keep from chowing down really aren’t that interesting. But, then again, neither is the Lab Scene, where they both sit there and smugly whiz through their slides, both making it quite clear that they are Oh So Much Smarter than everyone around them. They kinda-sorta try to one up each other with the exciting cell phase identification, and it’s supposed to be romantic tension (and I say “romantic” rather than “sexual,” because premarital anything-related-to-sexing is Not Okay in Mormon Land), but it falls pretty flat and between that and the fact that it’s all just the same damn c&p’d dialogue from Twilight without even an attempt to mix it up and make it look like something new, I kinda got distracted by my own shoelaces at this point.

Blah, blah, Edward is so much better than all these loser humans and smug in how intelligent he is, oh la, like he would get an answer wrong—but oh, Bella isn’t like all those loser humans, she’s a unique and special snowflake and he must know all about her.

Wardo overhears Mike thinking nasty thoughts about him, and realizes that he returns them. Now, this could be used to show a developing crush (even though there is nothing in between her ears to crush on), but it’s badly done and I frankly don’t care—it just makes you out to be a condescending jerk, Wardo. Who’s surprised?

Then we’re treated to what I hate most of all—the other characters waxing lyrical about the SIs looks. Yes, we get Wardo giving us a description of Bella’s face, and SEE, SHE’S CLEARLY NOT A SUE, BECAUSE SMEYER SAID THAT SHE WASN’T PRETTY. Yeah, but Wardo says that her face is BETTER than being “merely” pretty.

I’ve read the crappy-ass description of Bella’s face, both here and on Meyer’s website. Check these out:


She was actually rather pretty…in an unusual way. Better than being beautiful, her face was interesting. Not quite symmetrical—her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones; extreme in the coloring—the light and dark contrast of her skin and hair; and then there were the eyes, brimming over with silent secrets…

Midnight Sun, Chapter 2.


"…very fair-skinned, with long, straight, dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. Her face is heart-shaped—a wide forehead with a widow's peak, large, wide-spaced eyes, prominent cheekbones, and then a thin nose and a narrow jaw with a pointed chin. Her lips are a little out of proportion, a bit too full for her jaw line. Her eyebrows are darker than her hair and more straight than they are arched. She's five foot four inches tall, slender but not at all muscular, and weighs about 115 pounds. She has stubby fingernails because she has a nervous habit of biting them."

Stepheniemeyer.com.

Aside from it being the same boring laundry list of every single physical feature that indicates someone who has spent all together too much time obsessing over their own creation, you know what else Bella sounds like—or rather, looks like?

STEPHENIE MEYER.



Don’t even try to tell me that Bella Swan isn’t a Mary Sue. Don’t even.

Moving on—Bella demands to know if Wardo got contacts, because she noticed that his eyes have changed color, and Wardo fusses about this being a slip-up on his part again (while being smug about his awesome eyesight), and then talks about how clever and unique she is to have noticed that (and he insults humans yet again in the process). And that just pisses me off, because she’s making Bella being a Speshul Snowflake again through a means that just doesn’t work! No one notices things like that first thing! Particularly if she was deliberately not looking at him!

So now the teacher has to come over and tell us all how talented and smart these two are. Oh, wow, they can do a basic bio lab with canned slides—they’re clearly made for each other. Edward is rude and condescending to him, and makes a smug and condescending remark about how intelligent Bella must be—“for a human”.

Wow, Wardo—you’re a real winner—for an asshole.

Wardo, who has told us time and time again that it is dangerous to talk to her due to her “outrageous flavor”, and informed us that he has slipped up around her twice already, still can’t leave well enough alone and decides to talk about the weather. Bella, as in Twilight, uses this as an opportunity to sigh angstfully and whine about it being cold. Wardo thinks that she should go back where she came from and leave him alone—but then follows that up by wondering if that’s enough to keep him from following her, either to eat her, or because “her mind would remain forever a mystery. A constant, nagging puzzle”. Well, that part scared me, although not for the reasons SMeyer intended, I suspect.

Wardo keeps poking at her, and the audience yells at him, because we don’t want to have to hear Bella whine again about all the same stuff she whined about in Twilight, but he does, and he hangs on her every whined word and is already fantasizing about touching her and making her look at him and I am getting the jibblies.

Getting the story out of her is still like pulling teeth, because Bella likes to draw out conversations about herself as long and painfully as possible. Wardo keeps freaking me out with his obsessive need to know every little detail about everything about Bella, and by the end of this stilted conversation, he comes to the conclusion that she “is not like other humans”. Yep—there is it. She’s a Unique and Special Snowflake.

Oh—but he’s not done.

Bella whines some more, and when she says (whinily) that she moved down here of her own volition so that her mother could be happy, Wardo surmises that now she is unhappy, and believe me, son, you didn’t need your mind-reading to know that, not with the production she makes out of it. And when she replies with her forced pity-me call, Wardo tells us this:


I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I’d finally gotten my first real glimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list.

She was selfless.



DEAR GOD. Bella Swan is the most self-centered, self-absorbed, spoiled, whinging brat every crawl the face of the planet, you craphead! And no, SMeyer, you telling me that she is selfless isn’t going to make me believe it, not after four books of slogging through her epic selfishness! And based on this one stupid, stilted conversation, Wardo somehow pulls this conclusion right out of his butt? What the hell?! She does something relatively nice for her mother and then whines about it, and that makes her some kind of saint?!

THIS IS CRAP!!!

But, no, no, it’s perfectly normal, and Wardo knows all about her now, knows how Unique and Special she is as compared to all of the rest of the barely-sapient pond scum around them, and so there are the first “seeds of romance”.

This could have been interesting. Edward, if played as dependent on his gift to understand people and unable to block the thoughts of others, could legitimately have trouble being interested in anyone because he instantly knows everything about them, good or bad—he can never really get to know someone. And then he meets someone he can’t hear, and he does get to know her slowly and over time, they find out they have things in common, and they fall in love.

But no—we get this big steaming pile of rhinoceros diarrhea, where after one whiny conversation, he declares Bella/SMeyer a paragon among the lowly masses and his well on his way to being Completely and Irrevocably in Love with Her. *gags*

Gawd, I hate this. And I’m only on chapter 2!

Anyway—our two self-absorbed little pissants have a nice mutual pity-me session and whine together in their smug superiority about how tough life is—again, a point that’s supposed to be romantic bonding over how much they have in common, but is so badly done that it’s just flat, drab wangst on both their parts with no chemistry. Wardo claims that Bella “isn’t the average martyr—she didn’t want an audience to her pain”. Aside from the fact that “pain” is so overly melodramatic to describe her situation that it makes me want to heave—BULLSHIT. After four books of her whining, I think that it’s more than plain she wants the whole world to hear about her pain.

During this conversation Wardo fusses about not being able to hear Bella’s thoughts in a roundabout way in which he can insult and belittle humans in general as much as possible. There is a lot of pointless and boring dialogue in which Wardo talks about how wonderful and amazing and unique and special Bella/SMeyer is, although he does manage to make a surprisingly and accidentally insightful comment about himself: “I did not truly have a life.” Hear, hear.

Then Wardo, so charmed by Bella, slips up and smiles at her. Now, despite being vampires and having venom, there are no fangs, but apparently he has “razor sharp teeth”. This wouldn’t bother me, really, as a chewing motion is an acceptable method of venom delivery, except that…all the previous books, we never heard anything about them having abnormally sharp teeth—when did this happen? Did Wardo chew on a whetstone somewhere in between scenes and we missed? And when we say “sharp”, are we talking like having a razor edges, or all pointy like a shark? Since Meyer won’t tell me, I think I’m gonna go with the latter, just for the hell of it.



Pucker up, Bella.

After smiling, Wardo freezes, because it was stupid to release the teeth and be all scary and stuff because it will run her off and he won’t get to dissect her every word anymore, but then we see real stupidity in the form of Bella being idiotically oblivious to the threat that he poses—and again, we’re supposed to think that this is bravery. If you aren’t afraid when confronted with something that is going to eat you, then you deserve to get eaten so as to strengthen the gene pool.

Wardo muses over his growing fascination—try obsession, butthorn—and then when she absently tosses her hair (I like to think of it done in a vapid, valley-girl style, in keeping with her brain capacity), he is once again hit with her outrageous flavor, and we’re forced to endure another boring, un-tense scene of him wanting to eat her and telling himself that he has to keep away from her before the class mercifully ends and he hightails it out of there.

He meets up with Emmett in Spanish; apparently Alice ditched at the end of class (wait—wasn’t Alice posing as a junior and Emmett as a senior? How were they in the same class? And how do you ditch at the end of class? Just leave in the middle of the lecture?), and he thought the worst, and Wardo is all tense and we’re so not over the fact that he might have eaten her.

Emmett is back to being a douche again what with his “casual acceptance” of killing people, and Wardo is “revolted” by it, and so are we, but I’m even more pissed off by your hypocrisy in having the nerve to be revolted, Wardo—Emmett never went off on a flounce and deliberately ate people just because he could.

Emmett thinks back on the time that he killed someone—the implication being that it’s only happened that one time—when he ran across someone who smelled Just That Good to him. And we’re treated to yet another point of conflict and character development that SMeyer glossed over in favor of wanking over Wardo. We could have had the story of Emmett, a rather young vampire who’s only ever eaten animals and who is a basically good guy, and then out of nowhere he’s hit with a Bacon-Person, and he eats her before he even realizes what happens, and then he has to come to terms with it and grow as a person because of it.

But no, we don’t get that. Emmett almost comes across as fondly reminiscing about it, and the way he says that he “didn’t even think about resisting”, really doesn’t make it sound like he went briefly mad at the alluring scent, but just figured, “hey, what the hell,” and ate her ‘cause he felt like it.

And SMeyer taunts us again with what good vampire fiction should be like, by having Wardo freak out while listening in on his memory as it “become[s] far to explicit for [him] to stand”. Because yeah, that totally sounds like the more traditional sex/rape metaphors for vampirism, and again could be cool, but we can have none of that in SMeyer Mormon Land.

Oh, and I guess I was right—if you want to skip in the middle of class, just leave. ‘Cause that’s what Wardo does: jumps up and runs out of the room like he’s about to wet himself. The teacher sends Emmett out to help him, and it really annoyed me—a minor point, but here it is all the same: have you ever read bad Suefic where the typist inserts gibberish to represent a foreign/made-up language, or has the characters deliberately speak in a foreign language just to show off their Mad Translation Skilz (or Babelfish skilz, one)? Well, when the teacher speaks in Spanish, that was the first thing I thought of. I half expected a condescending translation at the end of the chapter. I know it does actually make sense in the context of the story to have her speak Spanish, but I dunno, I always thought it bad form to include random bits of a foreign language for no real reason, when just letting the readers know that it was spoken in Spanish would be enough. A minor point, I know, and I suppose that I could cut her some slack, but she’s pissed in my Cheerios so many times so far so that you know what? No. I won’t. You suck, SMeyer.

Emmett goes out and tells Wardo to get a grip on himself (heh), and then is a douche again and intimates that he should just eat Bella and get it over with, and Wardo is all stalwart and refuses and we’re supposed to be in awe of his self-control and sigh at the romance of it all and I didn’t.

Wardo sends Emmett back inside to make his excuses and goes back to hide in his car—only this time he uses it as a handy spot to use his powers to—a cookie for anyone who guesses it—SPY ON BELLA! Yay! So he rats around in everyone’s minds, insults them as he goes as a matter of course, and finally digs up Mike Newton, who is in full jealousy mode because Wardo had the nerve to talk to Bella today in Biology.

Pretty impressive when Our Hero manages to be more obsessive and proprietary than even these unrealistic cardboard cutouts, eh?

Wardo gets equally pissy about Mike’s thoughts and pops in some “violent music”—it probably had a curse word in it, le gasp, Wardo must now go wash his hands after touching it. School finally ends, and he is still obsessing over Bella and gets out of the care and talks about wanting to see Bella and, more specifically wanting her to see him.

Poor Wardo—she doesn’t look at him. Or so he thinks, anyway. Having read Twilight and knowing the depths of her own obsession, we know better. She does look up at the clouds “as if they had personally offended her”. This might have been humorous under different circumstances, but given that we all know what a selfish bitch Bella is, it just makes her sound like a…well, a selfish bitch. Go ahead, sky—glower right back at her.

Bella hops in her car and we have to hear about every move and detail, because that’s what Wardo is thinking about, and we have to hear again and again about her truck being huge, old, heavy, and loud, and constant repetition of the same old things, particularly from what is supposed to be an alternate POV, really pisses me off.

As in Twilight because she’s too busy looking at Wardo and pretending not to, she nearly runs down the other car but stops at the last minute and we get another instance of a chagrinned mouth (I’m beginning to see the irritation people have regarding that word). Bella is then very careful to pull out afterwards, and this is what Wardo thinks:


It was like she thought she was dangerous in her decrepit truck.

The thought of Bella Swan being dangerous to anyone, no matter what she was driving, had me laughing as the girl drove past me, starting straight ahead.

…oh, that’s not at all patronizing, is it?

What an asshole.

See you next time for the Van of Doom—Vampire Style, in Chapter 3: Phenomenon!



( Chapter 3 - Phenomenon )



Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 22 comments